A Tale Of Two Brothers
by riakida
Summary: After their parents death, Sirius gets guardianship over his brother and is determined to rescue Regulus from the Death Eaters' grip. Marauders' Era. Warning: Spanking. AU
1. The Decision

**A Tale Of Two Brothers**

June 1977

"Mr. Black, would you please accompany me into my office." Professor McGonagall's tight voice interrupted the cheerful atmosphere in the Gryffindor common room, cutting through the carefree laughter like a knife through hot butter.

It was a regular evening. Sirius Black sat cross-legged on one of the cushioned armchairs in front of the fireplace among his friends.

He looked up, his long, ebony bangs falling into his eyes. Professor McGonagall's face was tight, more than usual so, with her lips pressed to a pencil-thin line, but he thought he could see a tinge of sympathy in her expression as well. Although it was hard to tell, because his head of house usually had that very stern appearing pokerface on and kept her emotions well-guarded. But her bark was worse than her bite and she definitely had a soft spot for her Gryffindors, otherwise, Sirius and his friends would've found themselves expelled a few times already.

His smile faltered and his mind started to race. Had she seen him sneaking around or playing pranks on someone? Did she know about them being animagi? But then again, if she did, she would call them all into her office, not only him. So Sirius stood up and quickly looked around. The puzzled expressions of his friends mirrored his surprise. An uncomfortable silence settled over them as they watched him get to his feet and follow Professor McGonagall into her office.

Professor McGonagall closed the heavy door behind them and motioned to a chair in front of her desk.

"Please sit down, Sirius."

This was when Sirius grew anxious. Something had to be very wrong - she never called any of the students by their first names.

He obeyed wordlessly, the wooden chair creaking softly as he lowered himself onto it while Professor McGonagall took a seat at the opposite side of her desk.

She wrung her hands nervously.

"Sirius, I don't know how I shall tell you this, so I'll just be direct. I'm very sorry to inform you that your father passed away last night. He had a stroke. Any help came too late."

Sirius averted his eyes and studied the pile of ungraded papers next to him, noticed how they cast dark shadows onto McGonagall's desk in the dim, flickering light of the candles.

So his father had died. Sirius wasn't sure on how to feel about that. He hadn't seen his father for over two years, and even when he'd still lived with his parents their relationship had been cold and overshadowed by his parent's disappointment in him for being a Gryffindor and everything else they despised. _Blood traitor._

His father was a man ruled by hate. Hate directed at him, at muggles, at everyone who wasn't a pureblood or dared to think outside the box.

Sirius hadn't felt anything after his mother's death two years earlier, she had died shortly after he'd left his parent's house and had found refuge with the Potters. And right now, he knew it probably wouldn't be much different with his father's death.

He bit his lip, risking a glance at Professor McGonagall, who was watching him with a sympathetic look in her green eyes.

Was she waiting for any kind of reaction on his side? Maybe he should acknowledge her words in some way, show compassion or some kind or fake sadness over his father's death. Wasn't a son supposed to grieve for his father? Orion Black hadn't been much of a father to him, he wasn't a patch on Mr. Potter. No, Sirius had another family. The Potters had taken him in, they had showed him what love, security and trust meant. His biological parents had never loved him.

And at some point, he had stopped hoping that they would change. He had stopped trying to love them and had begun to see them for what they really were.

"If I can help you with anything… you know my door is always open for you," Professor McGonagall offered in a gentle voice. Sirius nodded.

"Thank you, Professor. I appreciate that. But I'm fine, you know, my family and I, we aren't… we weren't…" He took a deep breath. "We weren't close in any way."

Silence reigned. Sirius thought about his father, telling him what a disappointment he was. _You are a disgrace._

His father, telling him he'd rather have him dead than having a son in Gryffindor.

He thought about his father punishing him for it, locking him into his room for weeks, just for not meeting their expectations. For being how he was, wrong in their eyes. How Orion had slapped him across his face when he told his parents that he was friends with muggles and didn't think they were inferior to them. Leaving him with a dark bruise for days.

Sirius touched the left side of his face. No, he wasn't sad about his father's death. He didn't really care about it at all.

Then his thoughts wandered to his younger brother.

"What about Regulus?" Sirius asked.

Professor McGonagall sighed.

"This is something I wanted to talk to you about as well. You are the sole rightful heir, as the property and the title of being the Head of the House Black goes down the direct line, to the next male with the name of Black, as it is tradition in pure-blood families. Your parents… disowning you... cannot prevent that. That means that from now on, seeing that you are already legally an adult, you own your family's properties and money. It also means that you are, as the Head of the House Black, responsible for your younger brother."

Sirius still felt numb, but he knew one thing definitely. "I don't want the house nor the bloody name."

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows at the language but decided to let it go.

"There is the possibility that you recline your position as Head of the House Black. You would have to give up your name and disown your family with the help of a blood curse." Professor McGonagall hesitated for a moment.

"It is dark magic, but it would be, in your circumstances, legal and manageable. Then you wouldn't be responsible for your brother or the house. You wouldn't belong to your family any longer. Not in name nor in blood."

Professor McGonagall's lips thinned as she continued.

"Your parents named Bellatrix Lestrange as temporal heiress should that be the case and your brother still underage by the time of their death. She would act as head of the house Black in Regulus' name until his coming of age. In their testament, they stated that they would prefer it if you rejected your position. I'd rather not repeat the actual words they used." Professor McGonagall's lips were a pencil thin line by that.

Sirius stifled a snort. He could guess it anyway. Blood traitor. A disgrace for the family and their noble name. An abomination in the eyes of his parents.

But then he thought about his brother. Could he stand for passing Regulus onto Bellatrix? The woman was crazy. Extremely dangerous maniac kind of crazy.

"Does Regulus know?"

"His head of house will inform him about your father's death, and as well about you being his guardian for now. I know it's not an easy position to be in at your age, and it's not an easy decision to make. You don't have to decide right know," Professor McGonagall said, her voice as gentle as Sirius had ever heard it.

"Thank you, Professor. I'd like to think about it for some time. Until when do I have to decide?" Sirius asked, locking eyes with Professor McGonagall.

"You don't have to feel pressured. Until the end of the year, the school will act in loco parentis. So you'll have at least two weeks time to think about it until the summer holidays."

Sirius nodded. Silence again.

"Can I help you with anything else, Sirius? You know, if you need an adult to talk to, do not hesitate to seek me out. And I'm sure your friends are here for you too."

"Thank you, Professor. And no, I don't think I have any other questions right now. I might come back to you. May I go now?" Sirius hoped he didn't appear impolite, but he longed to be with his friends right now. James and Remus would surely have some good advice for him.

"Of course." She got up and accompanied him to her office door, holding it open as he stepped back into the common room.

His friends still sat in the common room and as soon as they saw him they fell silent and looked at him, their faces like silent question marks. Sirius sat down in the armchair he'd sat in previously, and looked around.

"So… what's up?" James asked bluntly after Sirius didn't say anything.

"My father died," Sirius responded flatly.

"Oh Sirius, I'm so sorry." Lily got up from her place next to James and went over to Sirius, hugging him tightly.

Sirius hugged her back. "It's okay Lily, we weren't close," he said slowly. Although Lily was a friend, he had never told anyone except for James and the Potters the whole truth about his parents, and even Remus only knew parts of the abuse. His other friends just knew he hadn't gotten along with them.

James gave him a sympathetic smile.

"I'm now the head of the House Black, said Professor McGonagall," he grimaced. It was the least thing he wanted. He wanted nothing to do with his family at all. With its name. With the damned house.

"My deepest condolences," James remarked sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood.

Lily glared at him.

"Don't be so insensitive, James!" She scolded.

"And I'm the guardian of my brother because he's still underage. If I decline my position, Bellatrix will raise him," Sirius continued. "My parents would prefer it that way, they've said so in their testament."

His friends gasped. Everyone knew Bellatrix Lestrange. She was the epitome of the sadistic maniac death eater, and they knew as well as Sirius did that if he handed his brother over to Bellatrix, Regulus would become a death eater for sure. _He might've become one anyway_ , Sirius thought as he remembered how his brother had always worshipped their family's traditions and the pure-blood ideology behind them.

"Does Regulus get along with Bellatrix? I mean, she's known to be pretty extreme," Remus asked carefully.

James snorted at that. Calling Bellatrix Lestrange 'pretty extreme' was the understatement of the century.

"I think so. He'll probably join You-Know-Who in a few years, Bellatrix will expect him to, for sure," Sirius responded bitterly. "I just need some time to think about it. Professor McGonagall said I have time until the holidays."

His friends nodded, encouraging him to take his time. Their conversation continued, mainly focused on the potions homework because nobody really knew what to say or to do about Sirius' dilemma. Peter felt so awkward and out of his depth that he went to bed soon afterwards. Sirius took that as a sign that he could excuse himself as well without appearing as if he avoided his friends. Suddenly he felt very tired and just wanted some peace of his mind, maybe sleeping would help.

The whole situation felt like a huge knot in his stomach. He was torn and didn't know what to do at all.

Regulus. He hadn't thought about him in a long time.

Disowning his family with a blood curse.

Dark magic. Even though he wanted nothing to do with his family's name at all, a blood curse sounded really sinister. And it would be just what his parents would have wanted. Sirius cutting himself off his family using dark magic. It would be like cruel irony.

His head started to hurt, and he just wanted to forget everything for a while.

Maybe tomorrow he would be able to see things more clearly.

* * *

The next day Sirius had lunch with his friends, sitting at their usual spot at the Gryffindor table. As he picked at his food he caught himself now and then looking over to the Slytherin table, searching for his brother. He hadn't seen him during breakfast either. He noticed that both James and Remus cast him worried glances but decided to leave him alone. They knew it wasn't an easy decision for Sirius, and the responsibility for his brother weighed heavy on his shoulders.

Finally, Sirius, James, and Remus were already getting up from their seats and were about to head to class, Sirius spotted his brother entering the great hall accompanied by some of his Slytherin friends. He paused and watched Regulus going over to the Slytherin table, sitting down at the far end with his back to Sirius. Sirius bit his lip, not being sure about what to do. He and his brother hadn't talked since he'd left his parents' house to go and live with the Potters when he'd been 15. Regulus had only been 12 then. Each time they had met each other in the hallways afterward they had ignored each other.

He realized that he knew nothing about his brother. They were like strangers.

For a few long moments he stood there, petrified, not sure what to think, what to do, staring at the back of his little brother. As James, who'd wordlessly stood next to him, pointed out the time, he followed his friends to class. They had potions, and he told himself that didn't want to be late for class. Although in reality, he cared little for potions, or any class for that matter.

Seeing Regulus made things even more difficult. He seemed even more like a stranger now. What should he even say? He knew he'd have to speak to him at some point. It was necessary somehow. Otherwise, how should he be able to come to a decision?

In the evening, Sirius was more determined. This time, he would take his brother to the side and talk to him. It shouldn't be so difficult, Regulus was his brother after all. Even so he felt those knots forming in his stomach again as he sat at the Gryffindor table to eat dinner. He ended up barely taking a bite and instead keeping his eyes open for his brother.

Regulus entered the great hall, again accompanied by his friends. Many of them were older than Regulus, one of them was Avery, of whom Sirius strongly suspected that he was a Death Eater. He'd love to rip his sleeves up and expose the ugly mark You-Know-Who branded his followers with in front of everyone. He didn't want his brother associating with those people. Sirius glared at him as he and the other Slytherins walked over to their table, sat down and started eating.

Sirius realized suddenly that he really didn't want his brother to hang around with those people. He was immensely bothered by it. He didn't want Regulus to become a Death Eater.

Sirius observed his brother. Regulus had grown since he'd seen him the last time. When had that been? Sirius didn't remember it. Maybe he'd caught a glimpse of him somewhere in the corridors, at some time. But he'd not really seen him.

His brother appeared taller to him. Even though he was smaller than Sirius had been at his age, for a fourteen-year-old, Regulus was tall and handsome. Sirius noticed that a few Slytherin girls gazed into his brother's direction from time to time. He watched them blush when they met Regulus' eyes, and turn away quickly. A small smile stole itself on his face at that.

When Sirius thought about it, he recognized a lot of similarities between himself and his brother. Regulus' grey eyes were his, his black hair as well. But Regulus still looked very child-like, being much more slender than Sirius who'd started to fill out and build some muscle mass during the last few years, and Regulus' facial features were softer as well. Regulus looked still so young, he still reminded Sirius very strongly of the child he'd once been, the little brother he'd loved.

Sirius' eyes narrowed as he saw that Avery talking to Regulus, his brother responding with a laugh a moment later.

James noticed his best friend glowering at the Slytherin table.

"You alright, Siri?" He asked softly.

"Yes, sure. I'm just… I don't know why it bothers me all of a sudden, that he hangs around with those guys," Sirius admitted.

"He's your younger brother. It's just natural that you feel protective."

"I know, but it didn't bother me that much before. I actually never noticed him. Never thought about him. I've ignored him completely during the last two years." Sirius' voice sounded pained somehow. It was like he had let his brother die with his family. Had thrown his brother into the same cauldron with their parents and simply erased him from his mind.

He watched his brother getting up again after he'd finished his dinner. Sirius stood up as well and hurried over to the Great Hall's entrance. He caught his brother just as Regulus turned to walk towards the dungeons with his friends.

"Regulus!" Sirius called. The name felt strange on his lips.

Regulus turned around. He stared at Sirius with a mixture of surprise and defensiveness in his eyes.

Sirius noticed that his brother had dark bags under his eyes. Regulus had been close with their parents, they had been proud of him and Regulus had wanted to make them proud. Had they loved Regulus? Had they been able to love at all? Sirius doubted it. But he was sure that Regulus had loved their parents.

"Regulus… Can we talk for a moment?" Sirius looked at Reg's friends who'd stopped dead in their tracks as well and were now looking at Sirius with disdainful expressions.

"What do you want, Sirius?" Regulus' voice was like cold iron.

"Just talk to you. Please?" Sirius felt his heart beating faster and adrenaline shooting into his veins. He was nervous. Those were the first words he'd exchanged with his brother in years.

Regulus hesitated for a moment, looked at his friends, but then nodded silently.

"I'll be down in a minute. Don't wait for me," he said to his friends. They nodded and turned, walking along the hallway in the direction of the dungeons, but not without giving Sirius one last haughty look.

The corners of Sirius' mouth quirked up slightly at his brother's response and he cast him the ghost of a smile. Regulus' face remained tight, his mouth a thin line. Sirius motioned for Regulus to follow him a few steps, and he went to stand next to an arcade on the side of the hallway, where they could talk without being disturbed.

"So, what is it?" Regulus' voice and face were the ultimate expression of annoyance.

"I guess Professor Slughorn has talked to you?" Sirius decided to start the conversation carefully.

Regulus gave a single short nod.

"I'm sorry, Reg. I just wanted you to know that… if you need something, I'll be there." Sirius unconsciously used the nickname he'd used to call Regulus when they'd still been children, long before Sirius had gone to Hogwarts as a first-year.

Regulus flinched at the familiar name, his eyes gaining a hard shimmer all of a sudden.

"As if I would go to you. Traitor," Regulus hissed.

Sirius looked away, a giant lump building in his throat. They had been close once.

"You don't have to… I just…" Sirius bit his lip nervously. This was awkward. He wasn't used to be in lack of words. He decided to change the topic.

"So… what did Professor Slughorn say concerning who you're going to live with now? I mean, you're fourteen…" Sirius asked tentatively.

"He didn't say anything. I'll go live with Bellatrix," Regulus responded quickly, his voice harsh and dismissive. "Is that it? I've got stuff to do, you know."

Sirius nodded. Regulus turned on the spot and strode down the corridor at a great speed, not sparing his older brother another glance. Sirius sighed. He hadn't expected anything else than Regulus hating him but suddenly he found himself longing for a relationship with his brother. Deeply hidden in his heart, he'd had the hope that them talking to each other could solve something. He'd thought that maybe, after their parent's death, they might find a connection to each other again. How naïve he had been, Sirius berated himself. Their talk had simply reminded him of how much Regulus hated him.

Still, he felt responsible.

It was strange. Sirius wished he could just pass the responsibility to whoever wanted it, was it Bellatrix or someone else. But then again, in his heart, he realized after a few days of deep thinking that couldn't bring himself to do that. He still loved his brother, somehow. Sure, he didn't like him, particularly. It was bizarre that his hated father's death had drawn him nearer towards his remaining family, his brother that is, even though he'd thought he'd put that behind him.

Even though Regulus ignored Sirius like he had before, Sirius found himself caring. The holidays neared, and he had just a few days left to come to a decision.

* * *

Three days before the holidays, he met with James at The Hog's Head in Hogsmeade. There was a hustle and bustle on the streets because it was a Hogsmeade weekend for Hogwarts' students, the last one this year, and the students enjoyed their last Hogsmeade weekend trip before the holidays to the fullest. Sirius and James had a glass of butterbeer when Sirius finally confided in his best friend.

"I don't know what to do, James. I think I'm going crazy!" Sirius moaned, hiding his face in his hands. "I just don't know…" He mumbled.

James straightened up, taking his friends hands down and forcing him to show his face. "You're not going crazy, Siri. Whatever you chose to do, I think you just have to be alright with it from the bottom of your heart. Everything else we can work out," he firmly assured his friend.

"I know. But I'm so confused! The last years I barely spent a second thought on my brother. It's like I completely forgot about him. And now he's all I can think about. I don't even know him, how am I supposed to build a relationship with him? There's so much that separates us - he hates me. He doesn't even want me in his life."

Sirius ran his fingers through his long, black hair. "What would you do if you were me, James?"

James regarded his friend pensively. "How would you feel if you chose to give Bellatrix everything?"

"I don't know… relieved, I guess, because I won't have to care about anything anymore."

"Really? Wouldn't you care about your brother?" James pressed the subject.

"Yes, I would. That's why it's so difficult!" Sirius groaned, picked up his butterbeer mug and took a sip.

"So… You'll care about your brother either way now, I guess. But you know, Sirius, you'll only be able to influence your brother's life if you take guardianship over him. He'll be forced to talk to you that way. Otherwise, wouldn't it be as if you gave up on him? I mean the blood curse… I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. It's pretty extreme, and a final decision," James said. He didn't want to pressure Sirius into anything, but he had the strong feeling that Sirius would regret it if he rejected his responsibility now.

Before Sirius was able to respond they heard a loud explosion and shortly after that voices shrieking fearfully from the outside. A stream of students entered the Hog's Head, their expressions frightened and panicky. Sirius and James exchanged a single look, then got up and pulled their wands out. What had happened? They pushed their ways through the crowd and stepped out of the door, their wands ready and prepared.

A bit farther down the street, they spotted hooded and masked people casting spells around wildly. Sirius recognized Professor McGonagall, Professor Flitwick, Madam Rosmerta and a few other wizards who were trying to bring the students to safety and, at the same time, fought back bravely against the attackers who were currently attacking mainly Zonko's Joke Shop and Honeyduke's Sweetshop. Ambrosius Flume was hit with a Stunning Spell and Sirius saw him drop to the ground like a lifeless puppet. His wife ran towards him and cast a Protego against the following spells, protecting her helpless husband, and with the help of Professor Flitwick they managed to fight the attackers off as long as it took for others to carry the unconscious man into safety.

"Death Eaters!" James whispered agitatedly. Sirius nodded. Then, he spotted a few younger students cowering on the ground, hiding behind the corner of a house a not far down the street, and didn't hesitate, he just ran quickly into their direction, keeping his attention high and on full alarm mode. He cowered down next to the students, checking them for injuries. A girl was crying silently, another girl was breathing hard, nearly hyperventilating, and a wide-eyed boy next to them was cowering down with his arms tightly wrapped around him.

Sirius put his hands on the girl's shoulders.

"Calm down. We'll get you out of here." A second later, James appeared behind him, carefully looking around, wand out and ready.

Sirius lifted the children up and led them to the corner of the house, carefully looking left and right. The Hog's Head wasn't far away, and the street clear of death eaters.

"Lead the way to the Hog's Head, James!" He shouted. Then he instructed the children to follow James, taking the rear himself. They were almost there when two hooded figures appeared directly behind him. One of them cast a stunning spell at Sirius. Sirius blocked it deftly, creating a protective barrier between the children and the attackers.

"Run!" He shouted, and watched out of the corner of his eyes how James got the children out of harm's way and into the Hog's Head.

Then the other attacker did something strange. He grabbed his companion by the arm, preventing him to cast any further spells, and whispered something into his ear. They both turned around and hurried away. The second attacker cast a last glance towards Sirius through his mask, and Sirius thought he saw something familiar in the way he moved, how he turned his head one last time to glance at Sirius and then disappeared round the corner.

Sirius stood glued to the spot, staring after the attackers. His mind started racing. He knew the second person. He'd felt it.

From behind him, James tugged at his sleeve and dragged him back to the Hog's Head and to safety. Sirius' mind was still occupied with the strange feeling of recognition.

"I saw him," Sirius said suddenly, his face turning pale.

James cast him a puzzled look. "Saw who?"

"My brother," Sirius whispered, not trusting his voice. It had been Regulus. He just knew it. He stared at James, suddenly finding himself trembling.

He couldn't have it. His baby brother. Reg. Out there with the Death Eaters.

Memories flashed through his mind. Not the recent ones Sirius had of his brother, with Regulus casting him dark, disgusted glares, but old ones, from the times when they'd been still young and played hide and seek together in their parents' house. He thought of the times Regulus had come into Sirius' room in the middle of the night, the soft padding of his bare feet on the floor, firmly clutching his pillow in his hand, tears streaming down his chubby cheeks. Regulus had only ever sought out Sirius' comfort after a nightmare, never their parents'.

He'd invited his little brother into his bed, encircled his small form with his arms, Reg huddling up against him, hiding his face in Sirius' t-shirt. Protecting his baby brother from the darkness. Regulus had always been afraid of the dark.

 _"Don't cry, Reggie. I'm here. It was just a dream."_

 _"But I'm so afraid! What if there are monsters in the darkness?"_

 _"Then I'll protect you. You're safe with me, okay?"_

 _A trusting nod against his chest._

In this second, he knew that he would do anything to save his brother. He had promised Reg that he would protect him, it was what big brothers did. He would save his brother, whether Regulus liked it or not.

He wouldn't let the darkness get him.

tbc...

 **A/N: This is AU. I changed a few minor things, for example that Sirius' parents died earlier and Regulus is half a year to a year younger than he is in canon (born 1962 here instead of 1961). Just in case you wonder.**

 **This story will definitely contain** **mentions of abuse,** ** violence (poss. torture) and corporal punishment. NO SLASH**


	2. The Plan

As soon as the aurors arrived, the Death Eaters bolted immediately. The teachers and a few of the oldest students accompanied the younger students back to the castle, and a few hours later Hogsmeade was like a morgue. Gladly, no one had been severely injured. The damage was mostly material, as the Death Eaters had broken the windows of Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop and spread the content of its shop windows across the entire street. Otherwise, there was only minimal damage on the other buildings.

Glumness lay heavily over the Great Hall at dinnertime, like every lightness had been sucked out of it, not to mention the oxygen. The Slytherin table was an exception, however. Most of the Slytherins seemed unfazed by the events of the afternoon.

Sirius kept his eyes glued on his brother, observing him carefully. The longer he watched Regulus, the more determined he got. The way Regulus moved his head, held his shoulders, turned his head... It had been him, Sirius was sure of it.

Dumbledore got up and cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the students. He looked around, taking in the worried faces of his students. Finally, with a very serious expression in his usually twinkling eyes, he spoke.

"After the events of the afternoon, I wish to say a few words. Many, if not all of you, will already be aware of the fact that this afternoon, a group of Death Eaters attacked Hogsmeade whilst many students were visiting the village. I am relieved that I can definitely say that no one has been severely injured. Nevertheless, this was an attack on us and on the residents of Hogsmeade.

The staff of Hogwarts, as well as the aurors, will guard the school and Hogsmeade during the next days. They will also be present on the train back to London. Even so, I beseech you to take care during the next days, as we do not yet know who exactly is responsible for the attacks other than that they were supporters of the one that has arisen to call himself the Dark Lord.

So I ask of you, dear students, to keep your eyes open on the journey back to your homes, and help and support the younger, more vulnerable students in situations like the one that occurred this afternoon.

We, the staff and students of Hogwarts, should stand united against violence that is cowardly directed at the most vulnerable members of our society. It is of dubious honour to terrorize children and unarmed, peaceful individuals. Keep that in mind, dear students. I call on you to think about the consequences of your actions and to act as a moral model in all virtues. Virtues of justice, friendship, loyalty and honesty. Don't do unto others what you would not have done unto you, as goes a wise muggle saying."

Dumbledore cast a quick glance to the Slytherin table.

"But I do not want to dampen the mood because I'm sure you all look eagerly forward to the holidays and I want you to enjoy the last days of school for this year. Have no fear, we will do everything in our power to keep you safe and sound. I wish you all a nice dinner and a good night." Dumbledore smiled at the students and stepped back as plates fully laden with delicious foods appeared on the tables.

The students' faces lit up a bit and they started to eat. Still, the atmosphere was pensive and quiet for the remainder of the evening.

James, Remus, Peter, Lily and Sirius sat together at the Gryffindor table, James and Sirius were particularly thoughtful after Dumbledore's speech.

"Have you really seen Death Eaters?" Peter piped up, breaking the silence, his blue eyes wide and curious. He and Remus had stayed at the castle during the attacks and had been shocked after James and Sirius told them what had happened.

"Yes, we have. It was awful. They were randomly attacking younger students, the children were so afraid!" James said enraged. "They're nothing but cowards. I bet Snivellus was there too." He added in a hateful voice.

Lily cast him a short side-glance.

"How'd they look?" Peter asked curiously.

"They were dressed in long, dark robes, with masks. To hide their ugly faces, I bet." James sneered. "But the aurors were really great! Their mere appearance frightened them away, the Death Eaters knew they couldn't stand against them for a decent fight, not in a million years." He smirked. "Have you seen how Moody fought? It was truly amazing!" James said to Sirius, excitement shining in his brown eyes.

"I have. It was really impressive, you should've seen it," Sirius agreed and they told Remus, Lily and Peter in colourful details everything about the fight.

"After school, I'll definitely do something like this. Being an auror is just the most awesome thing ever. You get to do something that's important and protect lives." James said, his eyes shining as he spoke about his career dream. Sirius couldn't agree more. It was an honourable job and exciting as hell. And you could fight against the evil in the world. People like the aurors were needed, to guard the wizarding society and to maintain justice and order. They were like heroes.

Sirius cast another glance at his brother. Sitting at the Slytherin table, his brother seemed to have a good time with his Slytherin companions, laughing from time to time, not fazed by the events at all. Snape, Avery and Mulciber had smug grins plastered on their ugly faces and Sirius had the strong feeling that they had been amongst the Death Eaters this afternoon or had, in the least, known about the planned attacks.

It was disgusting that they were sitting at Hogwarts' tables like rats, living off its protection.

That night, Sirius started to make a plan.

* * *

Sirius, Lily, James and Peter shared a compartment on the train back to London. Remus was sitting with the prefects in a special compartment, but now and then he dutifully patrolled the corridors and he stuck his head into their compartment for a minute for a quick chat.

Most of the time they were talking lively about Quidditch and their plans for the holidays, but Sirius held himself in the background, what was unusual for him because normally he'd be the centre of attention, yanking their wands and creating a good time on the long ride back to London.

On the previous evening, he'd informed Professor McGonagall that he'd accept his inheritance, that he took on the responsibility of being the Head of the House Black, owner of his parents' possessions and guardian of his younger brother.

He'd also asked Professor McGonagall not to tell his brother about it yet, he said he wanted to do it himself.

The previous day had been exhausting. He and James had apparated from outside the Hogwarts grounds to northern Scotland, where the Potters owned a cottage. Sirius knew about it because he'd spent the previous holiday there with them, and now it seemed like the perfect place where he could start and rebuild a relationship with his brother.

Sirius was glad he didn't have to go back to Grimmauld Place, and if he had his way, he'd never put a foot in that damned house again.

Only darkness, grief, insanity waited for him in that haunted house. The reminder of how why he knew that being proud of your blood was total nonsense.

The cottage, on the other hand, held only positive, happy memories, and it had felt like home for him last year. Now, with the Potters' permission, he and James had prepared and warded it for his and Reg's stay over the summer.

Those wards included security spells against dark wizards and whoever might want to cause them harm, regular wards that were put on the Potter's house as well, but other wards were purposely installed to allow Sirius a certain amount of control over his brother, and would prevent Regulus trying to leave without Sirius' permission.

Even though it had sounded strange at first, those were mainly spells mothers used for little children to keep them out of certain areas of the house they weren't allowed to enter, or at least that's how Mrs. Potter had explained it to them.

Sirius smiled as he thought of the Potters. He was so thankful to them. They had taken him into their family and showed him how real family life worked. For the first time, he'd been allowed to be a child. For the first time, he'd had adults he could trust. They'd showed him the meaning of security, love and care. Things he'd never experienced like this before.

Sirius wanted his brother to know about that too. And he was his big brother, so he was the one who should show him all of that.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Professor Slughorn patrolling the corridor, sticking his bald head quickly into their compartment, gave them a nod and a light smile that made his walrus-like moustache twitch and then continued his walk. It was so unusual to see teachers aboard the train. Usually, there was only the driver and the tea trolley witch.

"This is so strange. It feels like war." Lily mumbled. The others nodded. They felt the same way. Even though the teachers did their best to reassure the students that all was fine and it was just safety precautions, the students didn't miss the wary glances and the exchange of short nods between each other.

Unlike the last years, the arrival of the holidays had been silent and stealthy. Many students were anxious, especially the ones with muggle heritage. It was something Lily had mentioned a few times, worrying about her parents and sister. Sirius thought about Andromeda. Would the Death Eaters attack her and her family as well? The Tonks' were the only members of his blood family he was in contact with. Andromeda had always been his favourite cousin and Sirius still wrote her letters and visited her and her family from time to time. As far as he knew, Regulus had never met Andromeda again after she'd been disowned by the family for marrying a muggle-born, the whole Black family had seemingly erased her from their memories as his mother had burned Andromeda's face from the Black family tree tapestry. Just like she had erased Sirius' face.

Sirius thought about his mother. She had been a vile, horrible woman. He couldn't recall one memory in which she'd shown sincere love towards him. Sometimes he wondered if she'd always been like this. But then again, he found himself caring little. He didn't think about his mother often, nor about his father. They had died for him long ago, and their actual death hadn't changed anything about his feelings for them. But it had changed his feelings for his brother.

Again, he was thinking of Regulus. He was all he could think about the last weeks, it seemed. The feeling of responsibility always in the back of his mind, like a sound, a bittersweet note being played without ceasing. He got used to it, could ignore it for a while, but when it was only him and his thoughts, he couldn't block it out.

Responsibility. It was a strange feeling.

Weighing on his shoulders, making his stomach turn.

But then again it somehow made him stronger in his decisions, more determined.

Sirius turned his head and rested his chin on his left hand, looking out of the window, watching the landscape pass by. Trying to put his racing mind at rest and think about something else.

A few hours later the train arrived at King's Cross.

Sirius glanced at his best friend.

James nodded.

Sirius shrunk his trunk and other luggage to pocket size and handed it to James. James would take it with him so Sirius wouldn't have to care about that as well. He felt so anxious.

"Good luck." James said, flashing Sirius a bright grin. Sirius grinned back, although it felt forced, more like a grimace. Yes, he'd be needing that luck.

The locomotive whistled loudly. Sirius hurried out of the compartment after saying bye to Peter and Lily and wishing them good holidays. He knew in which compartment Regulus had rode, and he was still in it after what Sirius could hear.

Quickly Sirius jumped out of the train on the platform, scanned the crowd. Was Bellatrix here? Maybe Rodolphus?

They weren't. Sirius exhaled in relief. He was almost sure that his brother was supposed to meet up with them somewhere, though gladly, this somewhere was not King's Cross. He didn't want to create a scene. He just wanted to take his brother and apparate with him to the cottage. Without raising any attention.

Sirius watched his friends leave the train and disappear into the crowd. Then he was on the look-out for his brother. He spotted him soon. Regulus left the train as one of the last students, carrying his trunk with him. The platform was still crowded, students saying goodbye to each other, parents welcoming their children, but it had already cleared a bit and you were able to walk through the crowd without bumping into all too many people.

Sirius watched Regulus leaving the platform and followed him at a safe distance, careful that Reg wouldn't see him.

He knew that if Reg walked into the direction of Grimmauld Place, he'd be able to apparate away with him from a nearby apparition spot.

It seemed like Sirius was indeed lucky on that day because Reg chose to walk in the direction of their childhood home. For the first time in his life, Sirius was thankful for the good location of his parents' house. 12 Grimmauld Place was in a fifteen-minute walk distance from King's Cross, what meant his brother wouldn't resort to any kind of transportation. It also meant that he'd have a ten-minute walk distance to their apparition spot close to Euston, and that gave him time so he could try and come up with some ways to persuade his brother to come with him. Or rather muster up the courage to simply address him and bear that black look Reg would give him.

Alright, he didn't really expect any persuasion to work. He was prepared to take Regulus with him by force.

Maybe he should just grab him and apparate away. Surprise him.

Reg wasn't nearly as strong or as tall as Sirius, he was three years younger, almost a head shorter and still very slender.

Sirius could overpower him easily.

Sirius shook his head at himself. His thoughts sounded like a predator's. Like he'd kidnap his brother.

Sirius laughed silently. Then his smile froze, the laugh getting caught in his throat. Was it kidnapping?

Of course not. He was his brother's guardian now, so it couldn't be. Although he would take his brother, if necessary with force and against his will, to the cottage and would hold them captive there. But no.

It was the right thing. He was trying to help his brother.

Sirius followed Regulus at a safe distance, but as he saw the apparition spot appearing in front of him, he sped up, taking long strides in the direction of his brother.

A few yards away, Sirius called his brother's name.

"Regulus!"

Regulus turned, surprised. As he saw Sirius, his eyebrows creased.

"What is it, Sirius?" He said, his voice holding a tinge of surprise although he tried his hardest to make it sound dismissive.

"We need to talk." Sirius said, closing up on his brother.

"I wouldn't know what we had to talk about, so… Bye?" Regulus snarled and attempted to turn away and resume his way to his home, but Sirius grabbed him on his shoulder.

"Stay." Sirius tone changed without him consciously intending it, adopting a stern undertone.

Regulus stared at him for a second. "Alright, make it short." He said finally.

"I want you to come with me." Sirius said. He resisted the urge to bite his lip. He felt super nervous, but he knew he couldn't show that right now. He needed to appear strong. Strong-willed.

Regulus huffed. "Go where? I think we're finished here. Let me go." Regulus demanded, trying to pull himself from his brother's grip.

Sirius hardened his fingers around Regulus' shoulder. He'd known it wouldn't be easy, and now here they were. He'd known Regulus wouldn't come with him voluntarily.

"I'm sorry but I can't do that." Sirius said, taking hold of Regulus' other shoulder as well, firmly keeping him in position. The last thing he saw before apparating away with his brother was how Regulus drew his eyebrows together in confusion.

Then they disappeared into thin air.

tbc...


	3. The Cottage

Sirius landed on his feet in the middle of the flowery meadow not far from the cottage, still holding his brother's shoulders tightly. Regulus fell against him, gasping loudly. He swayed for a few seconds, like his knees were made out of pudding, then he steadied himself and looked up at Sirius.

"What the hell?" He shouted, his expression changing to rampant rage when he realized that Sirius had simply apparated with him.

"I'm sorry, Reg." Sirius said again, and meant it too. "But you wouldn't talk to me. You wouldn't come with me voluntarily."

"Of course not! Are you nuts?" Regulus screamed at his older brother. He felt around in the pockets of his robes, frantically searching for his wand.

"You won't find it." Sirius said in a calm voice. He sounded so much calmer than he really was.

Regulus stared at him incredulously. Then his eyes grew dark, a hard, dangerous glimmer entering them. "You took my wand?" He asked.

"I did," Sirius said, watching his brother intently. Regulus gaped at him, mouth open. He knew this wasn't easy, and he knew that taking Reg's wand would make it feel so much more like injustice.

"I'm sorry Reg. But I can't have you hexing me." Sirius tried for a small lopsided smile. He didn't quite pull it off, however.

"You're crazy. Where are we? Bring me back, this instant!" Regulus demanded, his voice quavering with rage.

"No. We'll stay here."

"Where? In the meadows?" Regulus said, shaking his head in disbelief. His brother had gone crazy. He had to get out of here.

A small chuckle escaped Sirius' lips. "No, you twit. Come with me." As Regulus showed no inclination to move, Sirius frowned at him. His voice dropped as he spoke sternly. "You don't want to fight me here, Regulus. Really. You won't win. You don't have a wand, and I'm stronger and bigger than you are. Come."

Good reasoning had always worked with Regulus, even when they'd still been kids. Regulus was a Slytherin after all. He was supposed to be smart, cunning. He'd realize that, right now, there was no way out of this for him.

Regulus considered for a moment, Sirius could literally see the emotions warring in Regulus' expression as he considered his options. As Sirius had expected, there was only one logical result. His shoulders slumped in defeat, temporarily as it was. He needed a plan.

Silently he walked beside Sirius, and soon a small cottage appeared in front of them. Under different circumstances, Regulus would've appreciated the beautiful landscape that presented itself. The traditional, lovely little cottage stood on a soft hill among verdurous meadows, granting them a spectacular view over the loch that was embedded between the magnificent mountains which surrounded the area. The lake's rugged coastline was just about two hundred yards away from the cottage.

He saw nothing of it. Instead, Regulus' mind was operating at full stretch. Every fiber of his body was suspicious. What did Sirius want? Why did he bring him here? But no matter how long Regulus wracked his brain, he couldn't find a plausible reason that explained all of this.

Sirius opened the door and held it open for Regulus to step through. Regulus hesitated, glared at his brother, but then took a deep breath and complied.

The cottage was so cosy that there was barely enough room to swing a kneazle. As they stepped inside, they found themselves in a square-shaped room with a stony fireplace, a cornflower-blue couch with a Victorian coffee table and two lemonchiffron-coloured, squishy armchairs sitting in front of it. The walls were made of stone, decorated by wooden shelves stuffed with old, dusty books.

Two doors were visible, one of them a mere doorframe leading into a small hallway. The other door was closed.

Sirius closed the front door behind them, secretly locking it. He awkwardly cleared his throat, knowing that the hardest part was yet to come.

"Sit down, please." He motioned to the armchairs.

Regulus scowled at him but then stiffly lowered himself on one of the armchairs but not without shoving the floral pillows away with a disgusted huff. Sirius took seat opposite to his brother.

"I think I'll just be blunt now. I've decided we'll stay here for the holidays." Sirius kept his voice firm although his insides felt like wobbly jelly.

Regulus mouth fell open. "What?!"

"You heard me."

"I will not!" Regulus stated vigorously, gripping the armrests tight, causing his knuckles to whiten. He hadn't seen that one coming. How dare Sirius?

"You have no right to keep me here!"

"Actually, I do. I accepted my responsibility towards you. I'm your guardian now, and Head of the House Black." Sirius said, the last part in a grave voice.

"But I thought Bella –"

"No," Sirius interrupted his younger brother. "As the oldest son, I inherit everything. It's family tradition."

Regulus shook his head, eyes blazing. "No! You aren't part of the family! You're a traitor," he hissed, baring his teeth.

Sirius blinked but forced himself to remain calm. He was used to being treated like that, being called traitor, unworthy, a dishonour to the family. He had heard it too often from his parents to be surprised by it any longer.

"It doesn't matter what you think. I am Head of the House Black, and you, as my younger brother are my responsibility now. You better accept it, it's nothing you can change," Sirius responded matter-of-factly.

"Sod off," Regulus spat as he got up and dashed to the door.

Sirius thanked Merlin he'd thought of locking it.

Regulus rattled at the door, desperately wanting it to open and let him out.

"Stop it." Sirius said.

Regulus ignored him, he continued to rattle at the door and finally kick it angrily. He turned around, scanning the house for another exit. He strode across the room and disappeared into the corridor. Sirius sighed as he got to his feet. He and James had secured all the windows and doors yesterday, making it impossible for Regulus to leave without Sirius' authorization.

It was just a small charm to childproof a house, and if Regulus had his wand, he would most likely be able to vanquish them with a lazy flick of his wand.

Sirius followed his brother into the corridor, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Regulus rip open the door to the bathroom, looking inside and then slamming it shut in frustration.

"The third door leads to your room. The second door to my room." Sirius said.

"Let me go!" Regulus shouted, striding towards Sirius.

Sirius shook his head. "No. I'm sorry." And he was sorry to see his brother so desperate. He knew Regulus didn't trust him. Reg thought that he, Sirius, was the evil one and he and their parents were right about their ideology.

He could see it all, when he tried to put himself in Regulus' shoes. He was the stereotypical enemy. A blood traitor, one of those who they fought against. In his mother's book, blood traitors had been equally as bad as 'mudbloods', or maybe even worse. Sirius knew that his brother thought he'd betrayed their family.

 _He is brainwashed. Brainwashed to hate me._

Regulus' eyes darkened and he started to shove at Sirius, aiming a punch at him. Sirius caught his brother's fist mid-air, then grabbed his other wrist, holding them without much difficuty.

"Calm down. I just want what's best for you, Reg," he tried to explain. Reg pulled at his wrists to get his arms free.

"Fuck that! Let me go already!" Regulus screamed at him pugnaciously, tugging and pulling, but no avail. Sirius' grip was too strong. He aimed a kick at Sirius' legs but Sirius easily avoided the blow.

"It's just for a few weeks. If you hate me still in eight weeks, I promise you I'll never bother you again," Sirius pleaded, desperation creeping into his voice. Then he shut his mouth, biting his tongue. What had he just promised? Sirius kicked himself mentally. Why did he always have to talk before he thought!

"I don't give anything on a traitor's promises. Let me go, now! You're nothing to me!" Regulus spat hatefully.

Sirius' eyes hardened. "I am your older brother, and right now, I am your guardian. I wouldn't call that nothing."

Regulus looked at him, pure defiance in his eyes. Sirius looked his brother straight in the eye, taking in the familiar shade of grey. It was like looking into a mirror, somehow.

"I'm sorry our parents died, I know you loved them. But I am still here. You're my brother, Reg. My family." Sirius said huskily, his throat tight. He saw a glimmer of emotion flash up in his brother's eyes, caught his eyebrows twitching.

Regulus didn't respond, but he stopped fighting. He simply stood there, his wrists secured by Sirius, his gaze dropping to the ground.

"Come on, I'm sure there's already something to eat. Aren't you hungry?" Sirius said softly, releasing Regulus' wrists and taking his brother by the arm, gently leading him to the kitchen.

Regulus following his older brother mindlessly. His thoughts were far away. Memories flooded his mind, memories of his parents, of his brother. He felt the loss. The hole inside of him, so deep, so dark. Forlornness, eating him from inside.

"Blinky!" Sirius called.

A soft pop echoed through the room and a small house elf appeared.

"Yes, Master Sirius? How can Blinky help Master Sirius?"

"Bring my brother and me some dinner." Sirius said as he sat down at the small table. Regulus did the same.

A few seconds later, two plates of pasta appeared in front of them. Regulus just sat on his chair and stared blankly at his hands, lost in thought.

"Eat." Sirius ordered in a low voice.

Regulus obeyed. Dinner was a silent affair, neither of them said a word. The scraping of their forks on the plates cut through the silence, and it felt extremely awkward. Sirius didn't know what to say, so he just kept silent, picking at his food.

After Regulus had finished his plate, he remembered something. "Where's my trunk?" He asked.

Sirius' head shot up. He'd been lost in thought, not expecting Regulus to say anything at all.

"It's already in your room. Blinky put it there after we arrived."

Regulus nodded, stood up and left the kitchen without another word.

Sirius chewed on his lip. He was so unsure of what to do next. He'd thought that to bring Regulus here was the hardest part of his plan. He'd been so very wrong. Now, he felt just awkward, not knowing what to say or to do. He was stuck here with a boy who despised him, who grieved for his parents and was an up-and-coming Death Eater if Sirius wouldn't find a way to prevent it.

Somehow though, Sirius was surprised by how quickly his brother had given in. But then again, Regulus was a Slytherin. He was just relenting for now, waiting for the perfect moment to escape. Sirius would be wary of him the next days at least.

* * *

Regulus stayed in his room the whole evening, while Sirius sat in the living room, secretly hoping that his brother would come out and they could talk. Anything was better than this tense, cutting silence. Even though his brother was in his room and out of his sight, it was like Sirius could still feel his agitation, his dissatisfaction with having to be here, his inner aggression against his older brother floating in the air.

Sirius drummed his fingers on the armrest of his armchair. Absentmindedly he looked into the yellow flames of the fireplace, watched them dance and flicker this way and that, crackling as they burned the dry pine wood to cinder.

Last year he'd had a great time here. With the Potters. They had played Gobstones most of the evenings, all of them sitting together at the table in the kitchen. Mrs. Potter had been awesome at it, winning each and every time, even though Mr. Potter had been deeply convinced that she cheated somehow. It had been happy, cheerful evenings full of laughter and happiness.

Sirius smiled.

The Potters had taken him in without any hesitation, making him feel at home and finally giving him a family. James had become his brother, and Mr. and Mrs. Potter his parents. They had treated him no different from James, had loved him, taught him, protected him. They had made him feel wanted and precious.

He could never repay them for that. But he could share this love with his brother. Regulus had never experienced something like that, he'd ever only ever known the Black family. Their mother's crazy obsession and high demands at her children, treating them rather like objects she possessed than like children she loved.

Their father, well… He'd not really cared about anything they did, except for when they did something wrong. That was when things got really ugly.

Sirius winced at the memories of the beatings, of his mother yelling at him, pushing him around. Locking him into his room for days until he thought he'd go crazy. His crazy cousin Bellatrix had been treated like a queen in their house, for her close relationship with the _Dark Lord_ as they called him.

They had worshipped him like a saviour. He would relieve the wizarding world of its contamination through muggleborns and blood traitors. They wanted to purge the world of everyone they considered impure, and Bellatrix had talked big about her Lord's plans to kill and torture every single muggleborn, sporting a crazy glimmer in her eyes as she ranted about the muggles' influence as the pestilence of their society and how she'd like to smother every muggleborn child in its cradle.

His parents had applauded to that. Sirius, on the other hand, had got sick to his stomach by just looking at her crazy eyes, how she licked her lips and grinned insanely. When he'd dared to disagree with her, openly, she'd simply hexed him in front of his parents' eyes. One time she'd used a lighter form of the cruciatus curse on him, and his mother had just stood by and watched heartlessly as he'd wound himself in pain, her eyes cold, but Sirius could've sworn he'd seen a small sneer around her lips.

He'd felt nothing but relief when he'd run away to the Potters.

But he'd never once thought about where that left his brother. After all the time of his brother keeping silent, and especially after Reg had been sorted into Slytherin, Sirius had just seen him as one of them. Even though Regulus had barely ever said anything against him.

Sirius had been the one to antagonize Reg first, he'd just thrown him in a pot with all of his family, with all Slytherins. Hadn't given him a chance to show he was different. Hadn't given him a chance to let him be different.

He'd forgotten how much he'd loved him.

Sirius swallowed hard. If he had talked with his brother sooner, would he have been able to save him from being wooed by their parent's fad?

On the other hand, he didn't know any good Slytherin, except for his cousin Andromeda. You just had to take Snivellus for example, most Slytherins were all the same. They thought of themselves as being superior, as the elite, so proud of their blood status whilst being up to their necks in the dark arts. And his family, the Blacks, were the elite of the elite. For generations being sorted into Slytherin, always just marrying into other pure-blood families of the sacred twenty-eight.

He remembered the surprised gasps that had resounded through the Great Hall the night of his sorting. How Professor McGonagall had looked at him with big, wide eyes, her always composed expression crumbling for the split of a second before quickly recovering from the shock and leading him to the Gryffindor table. The applause had been hesitant. But Sirius had been glad about it.

The old sorting hat had talked to him, had asked him where he wanted to go. And his heart had responded that he didn't want to be a Slytherin. The hat had agreed and said that he'd barely ever seen such bravery and independence in such a young person. _You're Gryffindor through and through._

It had been the first time that Sirius had felt like he fit in somewhere. For the first time, he had friends, James, Remus and Peter had been his new family. They had accepted him for who he was, stood by his side, and loved him.

Had his brother ever experienced this feeling of comradeship? Of being absolutely safe and protected somewhere, being accepted for who he was?

After they had heard of his sorting, his parents had been enraged. His mother had sent him a howler, calling him a disgrace to his family and that she wished he'd have never been born.

 _Abomination, shame of my flesh! How dare you befoul the house of my fathers!_

Maybe the hat had asked his brother about where he'd like to go as well.

And Regulus had always been softer than Sirius. He'd never stood up to their parents. He'd always tried to please them, had been afraid to disappoint them. Especially because they set all their hope on him, after their oldest son was nothing like they had wanted him to be. Reg was supposed to be their legacy.

Sirius knew Regulus would've chosen Slytherin immediately, and if it was just to please their parents.

Sirius sighed. He looked at the old grandfather clock and noticed it was already quarter past eleven. The fire was almost burnt down and Sirius decided to put it out. He went to the bathroom, got ready for bed. After he'd changed into his pyjamas and stepped out into the corridor, he noticed a strip of light shining through the gap under the door to his brother's room.

Sirius hesitated for a moment as he stood in front of his brothers door, listening intently.

He couldn't hear a sound, thus, on the spur of the moment, decided to knock softly. His heart leapt to his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing. Had he really just knocked? Why? What did he want to say? What if he'd woken his brother up?

Well, now it was too late anyway. Cautiously he pushed the door open, sticking his head into the room. His brother lay on his bed, in his robes, his trunk still packed. Regulus stared at Sirius as he entered the room, trying to flash him a black look. But Sirius could see some redness around his brother's eyes. His heart stung at the sight. Regulus had been crying, probably about their father. Or about being stuck here, with Sirius, where he definitely didn't want to be.

Sirius bit his bottom lip, finding it hard to look Regulus in the eye.

"Are you… alright?" He asked while shifting from one foot to another.

"Yes," Regulus said curtly.

"I'll go to bed then… But if you need something don't hesitate to wake me, okay?"

"It won't be necessary. I don't need you," Regulus said in a hard voice, his eyes cold. After a few more awkward moments of neither of them speaking, Sirius turned halfway, then stopped, and turned back to his brother.

"I just wanted you to know…" He paused. Many things had lingered on the tip of his tongue, like telling his brother that he hoped they could rebuild their relationship, that he hoped they could get along somehow and have a great summer together. But in that very moment, his bravery faltered to nothingness, especially after his brother's words.

"Have a good night," he said instead. Then he turned and hurried out of the room, closing the door and leaning against it, exhaling heavily, hiding his eyes behind his left hand.

Merlin, he was bad at that emotional stuff. He was bad at words. He was only seventeen, and suddenly he was supposed to know what was best for his brother.

He was good at talking big, creating trouble together with James. He was good at Transfiguration, or Exploding Snap.

He wasn't good at knowing what to say in delicate moments. Like Mr. Potter was, for example. He always knew what to say. But then again, maybe he hadn't always been that wise.

Sirius desperately wished for Mr. Potter to be here. Or James. Maybe James would know what to do.

But the house didn't have a floo connection, and he didn't want to leave his brother alone here for too long.

Maybe he should just go to bed. He suddenly realized how tired he was. Pushing himself away from the door, he went into his own room, lay on his bed and stared into the darkness. The following weeks would be more difficult than he had expected.

tbc...


	4. Two Worlds

The next morning Sirius got up early. He went into the kitchen and started to make pancakes for breakfast, something he'd never done by himself before, but he'd helped Mrs. Potter cook sometimes (she'd been convinced that the boys needed to know how to do things the muggle way) and thus hoped that it wouldn't result in a complete disaster. And should it go completely wrong he could still call Blinky and order some breakfast from her.

Surprisingly enough, the breakfast-cooking went pretty well. He burnt the first few pancakes, but after that, he managed to get a few done and when he was finished, he was even proud of the beautiful golden colour of the last two pancakes, and even though they were a bit misshapen, they looked almost as good as the ones Mr. Potter made.

The taste was more important anyway.

Sirius arranged the pancakes on two plates, together with lemon, jam and sugar. He put them on the table, took a deep breath, and called for his brother.

"Regulus!" Sirius waited a few moments, but nothing.

He called Regulus again, louder this time. Waited. Felt himself getting nervous.

Finally, Sirius sighed and slowly walked towards Regulus' room.

He opened the door.

"Reg, breakfast." Sirius tried to make his voice sound light and cheerful.

Regulus sat on the bed, legs crossed, a book in his lap, his gaze glued to the pages.

"'M not hungry," he mumbled. He didn't even look up.

"Come on. I've made us pancakes!" Sirius said, giving his brother a shy smile.

"You're a house elf now?" Regulus sneered, finally looking up. "Who would have thought that you could sink even lower…"

Sirius flinched. He'd been in such an optimistic mood before. In the split of a second his mood power-dived from sunny to frozen temperatures.

"Get up, now," he ordered, adding a sharp tone to his voice. Maybe too sharp.

Regulus snarled. "What, you think you can order me around now? Let me go already. I don't want to be here."

Sirius' brows furrowed. He straightened up, squared his shoulders.

"You will spend the holidays here, this is final. Accept it or don't accept it, you'll only make it worse on yourself if you don't. Now, get up, breakfast's getting cold."

"Screw you," Regulus spat. "You can shove your stupid breakfast –"

Sirius balled his hands into fists, turned on the spot, slammed the door behind him and stomped back into the kitchen before Regulus could even finish his sentence. He steadied himself with his palms on the kitchen counter, took a deep breath. No, he wouldn't lose his temper. He couldn't if he wanted this to work. But he couldn't deny anymore that his brother's words had hurt him.

Sirius sat down on a kitchen chair and started eating. He wouldn't lose his temper, but he wouldn't beg for Regulus to come and eat breakfast with him either.

The pancakes tasted really good, and Sirius felt frustrated that no one was there to acknowledge his achievement. He'd have to tell James about it.

James! He could send him an owl and invite him. Maybe James would know what best do next with Regulus. James always came up with good ideas. Well, mostly prank-related ideas, but nevertheless good ones.

Sirius finished his breakfast by scraping the last bit of sugar off the plate. Then he called for Blinky.

"Clean this up. And… bring this plate into Regulus' room. Doesn't matter if he doesn't want it," he said while hunting for a piece of paper and a quill. He wouldn't let Regulus starve himself out of stubbornness.

Blinky obeyed at once and both plates disappeared with a soft pop.

* * *

Regulus sat in his room, pouting. Sirius was unbelievable! How dare he treat him like this? How dare he hold him prisoner! Regulus refused to acknowledge Sirius as the Head of the House Black as a matter of principle, and as his guardian anyway. Sirius was a traitor. He was not worthy of carrying the title. He was befouling the Black's family name, yes, it was almost like he was making fun of them all, ridiculing their sacred name.

If Bellatrix knew about this, she'd have a fit.

Well, she would most likely be able to guess what had happened because he hadn't shown up yesterday, even though he'd been supposed to. He grimaced, hoping that she wouldn't let her anger out on him the next time she saw him. Bellatrix anger wasn't something you took lightly. If she got angry, you couldn't estimate what came next. She could start screaming wildly, might physically attack you, or start to cast random spells at you. Didn't matter whether you were to blame for her anger or not. It could just be that you were unlucky enough to be the bearer of bad news, and you would suffer her wrath.

He had to get away from here soon. Maybe then she wouldn't totally lose it.

A small pop later, a plate with pancakes appeared on his desk.

Regulus creased his eyebrows in irritation, his first impulse being to ignore the food altogether. But after some time, his stomach growled, and the delicious smell that pervaded the air made his mouth water. He bit his lip, glanced at the door.

Would it be like he succumbed to Sirius' will if he ate some of the pancakes? His stomach growled again. Merlin, he was so hungry. And when he thought about it, he'd already eaten dinner with Sirius on the day before. So it wouldn't be like that, not really. And going on a hunger strike wasn't Slytherin-like either. It was something a simple-minded Gryffindor would do. Regulus realized that he needed his strength, he needed some energy if he wanted to endure his captivity until he'd find a way to escape.

Hence Regulus got up and approached the desk. He sat down on the desk chair and tried the pancakes. Quickly he found that they tasted just as good as they smelled and scoffed them in no time.

A few moments later, the empty plate disappeared with another popping sound. The food had lightened Regulus' mood and he felt stronger. He got up and opened his trunk. His possessions were still packed, his clothes neatly folded on one side, on the other side neatly stapled his school books. He took out an old, thick book which was elaborately decorated with silver and black ornaments. A present from his mother. It was a rare copy of a classic dark arts book, and his mother had known it by heart, had often recited passages she found inspiring. Casting a quick glance at the door, he closed the trunk again, sat down on the bed and started flipping through the pages.

Lunch appeared on his desk in the same manner and Regulus was glad for it. He didn't want to see Sirius. He would just sit here and ignore him until Sirius relented and let him go. Gryffindors got bored quite fast, they didn't have any perseverance, let alone self-discipline.

It was already afternoon when there was a soft knock against the door.

"Regulus?" Sirius' voice.

Regulus rolled his eyes. Sirius couldn't leave him alone, could he?

"No!" He barked, copping the needle.

The door opened anyway.

"Hey." Sirius said, shifting from one foot to another. Regulus recognized his brother's signs of nervousness immediately, they hadn't changed since they had been children.

"I just wondered… do you want to play Exploding Snap with James and me?"

Regulus scoffed disdainfully.

"No. Do I look like I do? I don't fancy playing family with you in front of your bloody Gryffindor friend. Go away," he spat.

Hurt flashed across Sirius face but he quickly regained his composure. "Alright." Sirius closed the door again, quietly. He didn't even slam it like in the morning. Regulus felt frustrated. Had Sirius suddenly developed the patience of a saint or what?

As if he wanted to spend time with Sirius. Not over his dead body.

So he remained in his room, sitting on the bed, browsing his school books over and over again. It was boring, and Regulus glanced at the clock on his wall.

It was only half past three.

The sun was shining brightly through his window.

From the living room he could hear laughter.

Regulus unhappily listened to it. He pictured Sirius and James in the living room, playing Exploding Snap, having fun.

The thought of joining them crossed his mind, and if only to escape the boredom of sitting here, alone, with nothing to do. But he banned those thoughts instantly, forcing himself to think about something else. This was weakness. You didn't play games with traitors as if they were friends.

* * *

Playing Exploding Snap with James had lifted Sirius' mood, and for the first time in, how he felt, an eternity, he could relax and have a good time.

He hadn't really expected his brother to take the offer and play a game with them but he'd still been hurt by his direct refusal. Maybe he should stop doing that, being hurt about stuff like that.

When he'd still lived with his parents, he hadn't cared much about the insults and harsh words for they were daily fare. Stuff like that used to go in at one ear and out the other.

But after living with the Potters for such a long time, he had learned to open up and allow his emotions to be shown, not to be smothered and blackened out. The Potters had taught him that he was a human being who was allowed feelings and that he didn't deserve to be insulted or treated badly. And being here, at this place filled with happy memories, it made him open himself easier somehow. It was the reason he had chosen this place, to be able to connect with Regulus, he needed to open up in order to get Regulus to open himself as well. But still, it made him vulnerable.

And now the voice of his mother, coming out of his little brother's mouth, it hurt him and he didn't want to become accustomed to that again. He didn't deserve to be insulted. He didn't have to swallow it wordlessly.

"You allow him to talk to you like that?" James had asked, astounded. "Dad would tan my hide if I spoke to anyone like that, especially my brother. Yours too."

Sirius thought about that. James was exaggerating, but he would've surely earned a swat or two if he had dared to speak like that in Mr. Potter's presence.

But Sirius wasn't Mr. Potter. And Regulus was his brother.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know what to do with him. He hates me so much that I can't even have a civil conversation with him. How am I supposed to help him if he doesn't let me?"

James thought for some time, then answered. "You're right, it's a difficult situation. Maybe you can't expect that much so soon, and you can't expect him to do the first step. Maybe you'll just have to force him to have a good time." James smirked. "Only Slytherins would have to be forced to that."

Sirius chuckled. "Yeah. I should feed him Laughing Pills from Zonko's. Then at least one of us would have fun."

James let out a guffaw. "Remember the time we fed it Snivellus? I think it was the only time I've ever seen him laugh! Sounded like a dying hippogriff!" They both erupted in a fit of laughter at the memory.

James' visit lifted Sirius' spirits. It was so refreshing to be carefree for a bit, to laugh again, wholeheartedly. They played Exploding Snap for a while, then took out their brooms outside for a flight. It was good to get out of the house for a bit.

Before James left, he advised Sirius to get his brother out of his room somehow.

"He can't sit there all day and wallow in self-pity. It'll just make him feel more like a prisoner. And it wastes good time. Remember, you only have two months."

Sirius nodded. Two months time to save his brother's life. If he couldn't sway him until then, Bellatrix would take him and he'd never get him back, no matter any legal rights he had. He'd have to use every minute of it.

* * *

Sirius returned to the house. When he stepped into the living room, he was surprised to see Regulus coming from the kitchen.

"Hey," Sirius said softly. "James just left." He regarded his brother, who stood stone still, eyes wide. Regulus had obviously thought he could sneak back into his room without getting caught.

"Are you hungry?" Sirius asked.

Regulus didn't move for a few more seconds, but then nodded.

Sirius smiled at him. "Then let's go make some dinner."

" _Make_ dinner?" Regulus sounded indignant. "I'm not some elf!"

"I know. Let's just try it, okay? It'll be fun. At the Potters we sometimes cooked lunch or dinner together."

Sirius knew that Regulus most likely had never in his life prepared his own food. He had never cooked, never baked. At their parents' house, the kitchen had been the workplace of house elves, Kreacher that was, and the family barely ever entered it. They had a separate dining room where food was served. Hogwarts was the same; Sirius reckoned that most students had never actually been in the kitchens during their years at school. Of course Sirius had; James and he sometimes snatched themselves an extra portion dessert at night when they were sneaking around under James' invisibility cloak. Other times, it had simply been funny to watch the house elves work, how they hurried through the kitchen, carrying bowls twice as big as they were in their tiny arms, shouting orders at each other in their scratchy elvish voices, tugging at each other's flappy ears.

Regulus snorted at the suggestion of making their food the muggle way, of course, but Sirius ignored it.

Finally, Regulus sighed and nodded once, his hunger prevailing over his stubbornness. He followed Sirius back into the kitchen, where Sirius retrieved some toast, cheese, ham and vegetables from the pantry. The kitchen had a lot of muggle furniture and equipment, most of which Sirius didn't know what they were there for. But they looked funny, and Regulus stared at them with undisguised interest. It was the first time since his arrival at the cottage that he showed any interest in anything.

"What is all this… stuff?" Regulus opened the fridge, inspecting the wondrously cool cabinet. He ran his finger along the inside.

"Lily said it's a fridge. It keeps things cool, like food and stuff," Sirius explained. "So it doesn't decay…"

Regulus raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Sirius put a few toasts into the toaster, and Regulus watched with amazement as the toast jumped out of the little object and landed on the counter. He couldn't suppress a surprised laugh.

"Blimey!" He exclaimed, then held his breath, realizing that he'd spoken that out loud. He looked at Sirius, who grinned at him.

"Yeah, wicked, right? Muggles use it all the time." Sirius put another set of toasts into the toaster.

Then he handed Regulus two toasts.

"Just put on it what you like. We're making sandwiches."

" _Sand witches_?" What a strange name.

Sirius chuckled. "Yup. Sand witches."

At first, Regulus simply watched how Sirius he spread butter on his toasts and laid a slice of cheese and ham on it, then started cutting tomatoes into slices.

Regulus hesitantly imitated his brother's actions, now and then throwing a glance to Sirius, comparing his sandwich with his older brother's.

Finally, they had both made themselves enough sandwiches to satisfy their growling stomachs, and sat down at the table.

As Sirius started eating, Regulus tentatively took a small bite. His eyes widened, and he soon took another, bigger bite from his sandwich. Sirius smiled secretly as he watched Regulus wolf down his sandwiches.

"How do you like it?"

Regulus really didn't want to admit he'd liked it, but it would too obviously be a lie. So he settled for an

"It's fine."

"That's great. You know, muggles eat that stuff all the time, especially when they're in a hurry," Sirius said, recounting what Lily had told them when she'd taught him and James how to make sandwiches.

Regulus wrinkled his nose at that.

"So you really are a muggle lover," he said, sounding somewhat bitter.

"There are some great things about the muggle world too," Sirius said softly, glancing at Regulus. His brother shifted in his chair. But he didn't get up to leave, which was a good sign, Sirius reckoned.

"Really," Regulus said after some time, annoyance in his tone. "Haven't you listened to a word mother and father told us? How the muggles suppress the wizarding world, how they are a huge threat? Their influence is… bad!"

"That's what they say. How do you know it's true?"

Regulus blinked, and then his eyebrows creased. "I know it's true. Don't you see how the mudbloods are undermining the wizarding world, even infiltrating the Ministry? They are filthy, they try to pollute pure wizarding blood."

Sirius' face showed the first signs of anger. "No, I don't see it. How exactly are they filthy?"

"Come on, Sirius, even a Gryffindor like you should be able to recognize the signs. They are like muggles, impure, like animals. Don't you see how they live? They're pathetic creatures of dirt, living their stupid little lives, thinking they're superior to everyone and everything. And then they send their abominable children to our schools, thinking they are special, deserving of equal treatment like all the wizarding families that worked hard to build the wizarding society!" Regulus took a deep breath when he was finished.

Sirius huffed. He recognized his father's words coming out of Regulus' gullible mouth. Orion Black had never wasted an opportunity to make clear who exactly had helped to build the wizarding society and who hadn't, in his eyes.

"I bet you haven't even talked to a muggle once. Otherwise you'd know that that's utter and complete bullocks," Sirius said firmly.

Regulus' face contorted into an angry mask, he pushed back his chair, the chair's legs screeching loudly as they scraped over the wooden floor.

"You know nothing about me! But I know you're a traitor, and it's obvious why you would say something like that. You're not better than them, the whole lot of you, you're like a _sickness_ to the wizarding society. So if _you_ decide to be that, fine. But I won't!" With that, he stormed out of the kitchen. A few moments later, the sound of a door being slammed shut shook the house.

Sirius knew that he should have expected a reaction like that. Nevertheless, it made him furious. Why did Regulus have to be so difficult! He always became insulting after only such a short time; but Sirius wasn't willing to take it any longer.

Those weren't real arguments. It was hate disguised as reason.

That evening, Sirius stayed in his own room, not eager to meet Regulus again so soon. He occupied himself by changing the colours of his tapestry and bewitching the small figures on the windowsill, making them come to life and letting them start rows with each other.

He stared at the wall separating his bedroom from his brother's. But even without the wall, there was so much that stood between them. It seemed like they were so far away from each other that Sirius could barely see his brother through all the Death Eater shit his parents had imposed on him.

Worlds were separating them, not just a wall.

tbc...


	5. Finding You

The next day, Regulus showed no inclinations to try and hunger-strike again, and he obediently ate what Sirius brought him; he even came out of his room for lunch on his own, sparing Sirius the trouble of having to drag him out.

But after lunch they had another argument, and Regulus slammed the door of his room so hard Sirius could've sworn it lifted the roof for a second.

And even after two days, Regulus made not the least effort to try and feel at home at the cottage. Most of the time – no, scratch that, every time Sirius stuck his head into Regulus room to check on him or to call him for meals, Regulus sat on his bed, his back against the headboard, sometimes reading, sometimes doing nothing at all besides staring, staring at Sirius, silent resistance in his eyes, waiting for Sirius to surrender eventually.

His trunk still packed, it was obvious that Regulus was ready to leave by the second Sirius would let him. One single second of weakness would suffice and Regulus was only waiting for the opportunity that would come when time had corroded Sirius' will.

And it would, Regulus was certain of it.

So certain that he didn't even change into pyjamas at night, just took his robes and shoes off, and if only to demonstrate that.

 _Stubborn little idiot_ thought Sirius, but he knew that if he started fighting over such minor things he would never get to have a proper conversation with Regulus.

And that was all that he wanted, for now, to talk with his brother and try to get along with him. And he really tried.

Unfortunately, Regulus made not the least effort to get along with Sirius.

"Muggles are humans too, Regulus," Sirius said, annoyance already in his tone again. He couldn't help it.

It was evening, after dinner. They had been arguing for fifteen minutes now, and Sirius really tried his hardest to keep calm and listen to Regulus' stupid arguments, but his patience wore thin after everything he said seemed to deflect off the fifteen-year-old.

"I know that. But rats are also animals, just not pleasant animals. So why should we protect them while they infect wide circles of our population, make us sick and eat our food, make everything impure. So I'd rather take care of the problem and make them harmless. It's the same with the muggles – they're a threat, not something you naively think should be protected," Regulus uttered obnoxiously. That look on his face, the way he drew his brows together their father always had, made Sirius' fingers twitch in annoyance.

"Your argument is fucking stupid, Regulus. Don't you see? They're not making us sick – I can't even believe how stupid this argument is. They don't destroy anything, and even if you wanted, you could still live your bigoted narrow-minded life in a pure-blood society – if you want, marry your cousin, get incest children, despicable, but whatever. But how exactly are they bothering you then?" Sirius asked exasperatedly.

"They are stealing our magic! Muggles are non-magical! And every so-called ' _muggleborn wizard_ ' steals his magic from somewhere – wizarding children, they end up as squibs because of the mudbloods. How can this not bother you?!" Regulus was almost yelling at his brother, outraged at the thought of Sirius not caring at all.

Sirius took a deep breath, ignoring the 'mudblood' for now, but he was inwardly fuming and found it increasingly difficult to keep his calm.

"That's rubbish, Regulus. Who said that? Mother and Father? Figures! Muggleborn wizards and squibs only prove that we're actually not that different! We're still the same people, just that some have magic and others don't. It's like arguing about hair colours – Just because the child of some blond people has black hair, doesn't mean the neighbour's child who is blonde and whose parents are brunette _has stolen the blonde hair! It's bollocks_!" Sirius yelled the last part as well.

"You know what, Sirius, I know what you're trying to do. But I won't become a traitor like you, never, you hear me? I'd rather _die_ ," Regulus roared back, sprung up, and stormed to his room, slamming the door again in the process.

Sirius started to recognize a pattern here. He heard something, a loud sound coming from Regulus' room, maybe Regulus had thrown a book against the wall or something of the kind. Regulus was frustrated, sure he was, he had just now lost another argument.

 _Some argument._

And Sirius had insulted their parents.

When it came to their parents, Regulus put his walls up and became extremely defensive and insulting. _Traitor_.

Sirius banged his fist on the table, pent up frustration starting to pour out of him like. He wanted to throw books too, slam doors, yell around.

Sometimes, Sirius wished he could simply throttle Regulus' stubborn little neck, or shake him so long until he realized the stupidity of his own beliefs.

But then again, Sirius knew that it was not Regulus whom he was talking to.

Not really.

It was his parents. He'd heard those 'arguments' before, sitting at the large, square dinner table at Grimmauld Place, him and his brother being forced to listen to their parents' endless ranting about how awful the muggles and mudbloods were, while he silently gritted his teeth and imagined he could stuff their mouths so they would finally shut up.

Regulus, on the other hand, had, obviously, absorbed those thoughts like a sponge.

The way Regulus acted and spoke now, that wasn't him, it wasn't what made him Reg, the little brother Sirius remembered from his childhood. The child he had loved, and still loved, even though Reg barely revealed himself anymore, instead chose to conceal himself behind a mask.

A death eater's mask.

A death eater's beliefs.

But Reg had to be there still, somewhere. And he was screaming at Sirius to not let him die.

To not let the darkness smother him.

But how could he reach Reg, truly reach him, through all that crap their parents had unloaded on him?

Sirius hid his face in his hands, sighing loudly. It seemed impossible.

 _I won't become a traitor like you. I'd rather die_. The product of their parents' madness, coming out of his little brother's gullible mouth.

He just wanted his little brother back, so badly, and he was so close and yet so far away. Elusive like a mirage, and no matter how far or how fast he ran, he never seemed to get any closer.

The remainder of the evening, Regulus stayed in his room, and Sirius let him, not eager to fight again, still feeling drained and very vulnerable after everything Regulus had called him.

It cost a lot of strength, fighting with Regulus. More than he had expected.

This whole thing affected him deeply.

But Sirius was willing to pay this price and more, if he would only get his brother back.

 _Reg, his gentle eyes, his smile, like the sunlight causing Sirius to smile back automatically. Little brother._

He knew that that would be worth all this pain. He only would have to endure this situation a little longer than Regulus. This dreary desert would only go so far until Regulus would give in, Sirius told that to himself. He knew that there was hope.

* * *

It was almost midnight when Sirius finally decided to get ready for bed.

Like on the previous evening, he listened for any sounds coming from his brother's room as he stepped out into the corridor after brushing his teeth and changing into his pyjamas.

He froze as he thought heard a muffled sob.

Cautiously, Sirius pressed his ear against the cool wood.

Yes. His brother cried.

Sirius shifted from one foot to the other, uncertain. On one hand, he wanted to go back into his room, close the door behind him and ignore his brother's grief. He felt angry still and wasn't exactly keen on being insulted again.

On the other hand, Sirius' heart constricted painfully at the desperate sounds. His brother was mourning the loss of his father. Reg was devastated.

 ***Sirius' Flashback, December 1968***

Nine-year-old Sirius lay on his bed, sobbing into his pillow. His face hurt, it hurt so much.

This was the worst day of his entire life.

He had been outside, sitting on a swing on a playground not far from his home, dangling his feet. Mother and Father had gone to visit friends and had taken Regulus with them but had left Sirius back home because he'd been naughty and they had decided to better leave him back home than to risk him embarrassing them with his _refractory, incorrigible behaviour not worthy of a Black_ – and that was absolutely fine by Sirius.

He'd been glad that he would have a few hours peace, so he sneaked out of the house and to the playground. Usually, his parents didn't approve him going there because it was a _muggle place_ full of _muggles_ – Sirius pictured his mother screwing up her nose while saying the detested word – but today, Sirius decided he didn't care. There were only a few wizarding children he could play with regularly, and most of them were spoiled brats he didn't get along with very well.

Reg was better in things like getting along with people without insulting them or getting in trouble somehow.

So Sirius sat on the swing, swinging lonely, as another boy, blond and about his age, took the swing next to him.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sirius watched the boy swing higher and higher, and he tried to keep up with him. Finally, they made a game out of it, who could swing higher and jump the farthest. The one who made the most dangerous jumps at the highest point was the bravest.

It was fun. The boy introduced himself as Will and they started to play together. And forgot the time, while building high sand castles in the sandbox.

It was almost dark when Will's mum collected him, and they agreed on meeting again on the playground to play together. It almost was like they were friends already.

A real friend, his first friend, except for Reg of course, but Reg was still a baby sometimes, he was only six and Sirius couldn't properly play everything with him, he always had to be careful and patiently explain things… Not that he really minded, usually he loved the way Reg look at him with that expression in his eyes like Sirius was some kind of hero. But it was nice not having to be considerate towards someone for a change.

When Sirius got home, his parents were furious. But not about what Sirius expected them to be furious about. Will's mother had scolded him for staying out longer than he was allowed to, because it had already darkened and she hadn't wanted her nine-year-old out in the darkness.

So Sirius had assumed that his parents would think the same way.

He had been so wrong.

When his father asked him strictly where he had been all the time, Sirius answered honestly, told his father where he'd been, that he'd only played with Will, his new friend, and apologized for staying out late, just like Will had to his mum.

He should have known better.

But while playing with Will, and seeing him interacting with his mum, Sirius had forgotten that his parents were not muggles. And he wasn't a muggle either.

" _You played with a MUGGLE CHILD_?" His father had roared, causing Sirius to flinch hard. His mother had looked up from her plate, now suddenly very interested. His brother, on the other hand, sat stone still on his chair, staring at their father with those large, frightened eyes Reg had when their parents started yelling.

He should better have shut up then. But Sirius had felt the need to defend his newfound friend.

Wasn't that what friends did? He'd said he would meet Will again, on the playground, tomorrow. He had promised it.

SLAP! The back of his father's hand collided with the left side of Sirius' face, knocking him almost unconscious. Sirius stumbled back and fell to the ground.

His mother was yelling at him for _associating with muggle filth, fraternising with the enemy_ – Sirius only half listened, his head hurting unbelievably and he saw stars everywhere, colourful and dancing in the darkness that engulfed everything else.

He was glad when they sent him upstairs, yelling that he should not show his _despicable face_ at their table again, think about what he had done –

And Sirius threw himself on his bed and sobbed his heart out.

It was that moment when he realized that his parents didn't love him. Even though he had always wished for it, so much, to be true – they didn't. It wasn't the first time that they'd beaten him but this time, it counted in a different way. He realized they didn't care about him at all. It was wishful thinking, he had been lying to himself the whole time. They didn't care about him being happy or at least being safe like Will's mum had... He was _despicable, obstreperous, defiant - a disappointment_. They had really meant all of that, they had always meant it. Only he hadn't wanted to believe them, believe that they really thought that way about him. _Worthless, troublesome._

Sirius lay there, crying into his pillow, for hours.

His face hurting.

His heart aching even more.

Then, he heard light footsteps, bare little feet pitter-pattering on the floor, knowingly avoiding the creaking wooden planks. The door opened, and his little brother slid inside the room.

It was in the middle of the night and Reg had sneaked out of his bed to come and see after him.

"Siri?" A low, soft whisper.

Sirius turned his tear streaked, bruised face away from his brother. He didn't want Regulus to see him like this, broken, defeated.

He was afraid that Reg would never look at him the same way again. Maybe he'd lied to both of them, he wasn't a hero after all. Reg had to see this.

Sirius felt a small weight settling itself on his bed, causing the mattress to sink in slightly. His brother curled himself up next to him, hugging him around his waist with his short little arms.

"Don't cry, Siri. Please." Reg, snuggling his cheek up against Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius kept his face turned away, crying quietly.

Then, Reg propped himself up again, sitting on his heels, leaning over Sirius.

"Do you have an owie?" He asked, his soft voice very concerned, inspecting the dark bruise covering the left side of Sirius' face with sympathetic eyes.

Sirius just swallowed heavily, trying to get his crying under control. He closed his eyes.

"I'll make it go 'way." Reg said decidedly, put a soft kiss on his right hand and then, with his hand, tenderly caressed the darkened side of Sirius' face, his fingers so feather-light that they barely touched him.

Like an angel.

Sirius hugged Reg back then, his brother's loving gesture had made him forget the pain in his cheek, the pain of knowing his parents didn't love him.

Reg was still here. He loved him. He had made the pain go away.

 ***End Flashback***

Sirius had mourned the loss of his parents then. The loss of the illusion of being loved. It was then when they had died for him. But Regulus had been there, his little brother, loving him, not leaving him alone in his grief.

Now, the situation was different and yet similar.

Sirius couldn't leave his brother like this, he had to at least offer his comfort.

So he took a deep breath, quietly opened the door to Reg's room and slipped inside. The room was dark and Sirius could make out the shape of Regulus in the dim light, curled up on his bed facing the wall. He didn't notice Sirius entering the room, his slender body shook with sobs, a hand pressed against his mouth to at least try and muffle the sounds.

Sirius tiptoed to the bed and sat down next to Regulus. Regulus sensed the mattress lowering itself and turned around, furiously rubbing his eyes.

"Sirius? What do you want here?" He tried to sound gruff but actually just sounded pathetic with his voice flimsy and hoarse from crying and his breath hitching.

Sirius didn't answer, just laid down next to Regulus on the bed and took him into his arms.

At first, Regulus struggled, tried to push Sirius away. But Sirius held him firmly, bringing Regulus' head to rest against his chest.

"Shh. Just relax. It'll all be fine, you'll see," he said soothingly.

Regulus' struggles lessened as his sobs got even more desperate and he finally relented and let Sirius hold him, too weak to fight any longer.

"It won't. I'm all alone now," he blubbered.

"No, you're not. You still have me," Sirius responded in low voice.

"No I haven't. You left me, long ago." Regulus' breath hitched uncontrollably. Tears soaked Sirius' pyjama top. But the older brother didn't care.

Suddenly he felt like at the times when they'd still been little, and he'd protected his baby brother from the darkness.

He tightened his arms around his brother and put a hand on the back of Regulus' head.

"I'm so sorry. I left them, but I never wanted to leave you. It just happened like it did and suddenly we were entwined. But now I'm back, Reg. And I won't go anywhere, I promise," Sirius whispered, stroking Reg's long, silky hair. A wave of love for his brother overflowed him and he encircled his little brother even more, cradling him like he had done it before, a long time ago. _Don't be sad. Please don't cry_ , were the words that lingered upon his lips. _I'm here._

His brother. Reg. He was here, with him, now, in his arms. So close. He had found him.

Regulus continued to cry in his arms, and Sirius patted his hair and back until Regulus finally drifted off to an exhausted sleep, salty tears drying on his reddened cheeks.

For some time, Sirius simply looked at him in wonder. Watched the eyelids move as Regulus' dreamt, the long, dark lashes twitching now and then. He rediscovered the freckles on Regulus' nose, noticed the sore marks Regulus' teeth had left on his bottom lip as he'd tried to keep his sobs quiet. But he couldn't find a trace of the angry teenager in Reg; instead, this was all his baby brother again, a picture of innocence worth being protected.

Not wanting to wake his brother and disturb the peaceful imagine by getting up, Sirius closed his eyes as well, letting sleep wash over him and carry him away to the world of dreams. He couldn't let him go anymore anyways, he knew that now.

* * *

Regulus woke up in an unfamiliar position, lying on his side with his head resting on a somewhat hard and at the same time soft surface. He opened his eyes and was greeted by the view of Sirius lying next to him, snoring slightly as he lay on his back, his right arm loosely circling Regulus' shoulders.

Regulus was wide awake in the split of a second. He stared at Sirius with wide eyes, lying stone-still. Had he really cried himself to sleep in his brother's arms last night? How embarrassing! Regulus grimaced. How could he have been so stupid, weak, dumb! He would never live down to regret this. At the same time, he felt unable to move, partly afraid of waking his brother and having to die from embarrassment, partly because he was trying to compensate the mixed feelings that washed over him.

It was such a strange feeling, being so close to another human being. Hugging. He'd seen it often the last years, especially between sentimental Hufflepuffs, sometimes he'd seen parents embrace their children or friends hug each other salutatory. He'd sneered at it, most of the time.

But now it felt strangely warm, safe, protected even. Like something from a long forgotten dream.

Deeply buried feelings pushed themselves to the surface. Sirius. Hugging him.

Memories, vague, fleeting at first. Then getting stronger, finding their way back into his conscience.

His parents had never hugged them. Not really. Not like this.

Not like Sirius.

The feeling of being hugged by his brother. So strange and yet so familiar. The most familiar thing in the world.

He was craving it.

Regulus was torn between wanting to push away from Sirius and hugging his brother back tightly.

What was he thinking! He wouldn't _hug_ Sirius.

He wouldn't fraternise with the enemy.

Fraternise with his brother.

Unfortunately, Regulus didn't have the time to come to a decision because at that very moment, Sirius stirred, stretching himself a bit, and then opened his eyes. He blinked a few times, rubbed his eyes. Turned his head. Looked at Regulus.

Regulus' heart jumped to his throat and he leapt up, startling his brother as he half jumped, half fell out of the bed, onto the floor, backing away a few steps.

Sirius propped himself up on his elbows.

Neither one of them spoke until Sirius finally muttered a low "Good morning", making it sound more like a question than a greeting.

"You might want to try and sleep in your pyjamas tonight. I can't imagine those robes to be very comfortable," Sirius said, looking his brother up and down. Regulus blushed, glanced at his crumpled robes, and quickly brushed his hands across the fabric in an attempt to straighten the crinkles out with his fingers.

"You hungry?" Sirius asked, clearing his throat. He felt awkward being the only one talking, but it was better than complete silence, he reckoned.

Regulus just nodded before stumbling back and hurrying off to the bathroom. He put his hands on the counter of the sink, leaned forward, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked just like he had anticipated, pathetic. His eyes were still puffy and swollen from crying, his cheeks flushed from embarrassment and his hair tousled.

He looked like a bloody three-year-old. Felt like one too.

Angry at himself he splashed some cold water on his face.

 _Pull yourself together! You're disgracing yourself!_ The sound of his mother's voice in the back of his head. He ground his teeth, ran his fingers through his fair.

It was so difficult not to succumb to the allurements of the enemy.

Sirius had simply caught him in a weak moment. He didn't feel anything for the traitor. Sirius was trying to manipulate his feelings in order to make him weak, vulnerable, malleable. But Regulus wouldn't let him.

When he felt composed enough to do so, he opened the bathroom door and stepped out, returning to his room as he heard Sirius rummage around in the kitchen, the clinking of pans and plates indicated that his brother err... _Sirius, the traitor_ was preparing breakfast (like a muggle, again, pathetic).

He changed his clothes, throwing the old ones onto a growing laundry pile. He deliberately chose Slytherin colours and hefted a Slytherin badge on his shirt.

He would show Sirius he couldn't be swayed. He would stay faithful to his values.

"Reg? Breakfast is ready." Sirius' baritone voice reverberated through the small cottage, and Regulus grimaced. He felt the childish urge to hide somewhere and hope Sirius would just forget about him. He didn't want to face him. He didn't want to look into Sirius' face and know that he had seen him weak. Merlin, how he had clung to Sirius, like a baby. _Pathetic._

But then he also knew that just cowards hid. He wasn't a coward. He wouldn't sink even lower.

Regulus straightened up, lifted his chin and went into the kitchen, sitting down at the kitchen table on his usual chair. Sirius placed a deliciously smelling plate with fresh pancakes in front of him.

"They're much better than the other day. I guess I'm learning the right technique…" Sirius drawled off, he placed another plate opposite to Regulus and sat down, started to eat.

"How do you like it?" Sirius asked after a few bites.

Regulus looked up and into the hopeful face of his brother, Sirius' lips gracing a shy smile.

Although he would've loved to hurt Sirius right now, tell him that the food was awful and he hated him, somehow, Regulus couldn't.

"It's fine," he gritted out in a low, coarse voice. Hated himself for it. _Pathetic, pathetic._

Sirius simply smiled in response, his grey eyes brightening.

"Do you want to do something today?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" Regulus counter-questioned cautiously. He wouldn't trip into another one of Sirius' traps.

"I don't know. Maybe we could go outside for a bit. Just walk around, explore the area," Sirius suggested.

"Will you let me go?" Regulus asked in a flat voice.

Sirius' face fell. He leaned back in his chair. "You know I won't."

"Then don't bother," Regulus said in a snarl. He attempted to get up and go back into his room, but Sirius' timid voice interrupted him.

"Maybe do something inside?" Strangely, it sounded like a plea.

Now he had Sirius. He could laugh at him, hurt him, reject him. Watch his hopeful expression crumble.

 _You really think I would want to spend time with you, traitor?_

Regulus looked into Sirius' eyes. Saw vulnerability in the familiar grey eyes, looking so much like his own. Little brother... Reg...

No he couldn't do it.

"Maybe," he said instead.

tbc...


	6. Fight for you

After that, Regulus disappeared in his room for a few hours but willingly came out again when Sirius called him for lunch and he even stayed a bit in the living room afterward, comfortably sitting in an armchair, reading in his edition of _Hogwarts: A History_.

Sirius sat in the other armchair, a book about advanced transfiguration techniques resting on his lap. He absentmindedly flipped through the pages, pretending to read while really glancing at Regulus from the corner of his eyes, wondering about the absurdity of them sitting peacefully together in the same room, reading.

"Hey, did you know that Professor Binns collects chocolate frog cards?"

Regulus head shot up. "No, I didn't," he said, raising his eyebrows ever so slightly.

Sirius chuckled. "You know, James had a really rare chocolate frog card, it was Borg the Unclean, brother of Urg the Unclean. And Professor Binns didn't have it. He heard James and me talk about it and he got really interested, offering James lots of stuff in exchange for the card. Finally, James traded it for a Circe card and the location of a secret passage leading to the cellar of Honeydukes."

Regulus' eyes grew wide. He shut his book. "There is a secret passage between Hogsmeade and Hogwarts?"

Sirius smirked. "There's a lot you don't know about."

"Will you show me where it is?" Regulus asked, excitement in his voice and even a spark of mischief in his eyes.

Sirius laughed.

"What will you give me in exchange?"

Regulus' brows furrowed, and his eyes narrowed in suspicion. This had to be a trap. You didn't trade with traitors. You didn't give them valuable information.

What was he doing here? Making conversation with Sirius like he hadn't betrayed their family.

He was forgetting it, was getting accustomed to the traitor. He even found himself liking the traitor, a bit. Weakness, again. This couldn't happen. It mustn't, it wouldn't.

He had to get out of here before Sirius could turn him.

"Whatever, I'll find it alone, I'll just have to search Honeydukes for the passage."

Regulus shut his book audibly, shooting Sirius a dirty look.

"What's got your wand in a knot?" Sirius asked, puzzled. He'd only been joking, what had he done wrong now to have caused this storm brewing, coming out of nowhere?

"Nothing, just put a sock in it," Regulus snarled.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "That's not the way you talk to me," he said sternly. He didn't understand Regulus, one moment he was smiling at him and in the next one he got insolent, acting like a world-class brat.

"I'll talk to you the way I want to!" Regulus shouted, sprung up. Sirius got up as well, grimly looking down at his brother, his good mood gone, extinguished like a candle in the wind.

"You can stay in your room if you can't be civil." Mr. Potter's words slipped out of Sirius' mouth in the split of a second.

Regulus scoffed. He grabbed the book he'd been reading and hurled it at his brother. Without looking back, he stomped off in the direction of his bedroom.

Sirius lifted his hands protectively, catching the book before it hit him. He stared after Regulus with half a mind to run after the boy and give him a good smack to the seat of his trousers.

Merlin's pants, what was he thinking? He wasn't Mr. Potter!

Sirius stood in the middle of the living room among forgotten luke-warm tea and chess figurines, frozen, staring at the pillows that had fallen from the armchair to the ground.

It was like they'd made one step forward and then immediately two steps backwards. The day had started out so well. Were they now were they'd been three days ago? Regulus was back in his room, and Sirius reckoned that he'd stay there for the rest of the day, holed up and cranky.

And it wasn't like Sirius could call him back as it had been him who'd sent his brother away. _Crap._

Maybe he should just give Regulus some time to calm down and then he'd be back to normal.

Well, whatever normal was, when it came to Regulus. Right now it seemed more like _insolent Regulus_ was normal and _friendly Regulus_ the exception.

Sirius bent down to retrieve the pillows from the floor and put them back on the armchair. He was jolted out of his reverie as heard a sudden sound, instantly recognizing it as the wild flattering of an owl's wings. His heart sank to his stomach. He let the pillows fall back to the ground, face as white as chalk.

Adrenaline shot through his veins as he sprinted to his room and ripped the door open, just in time to catch Regulus attaching a small piece of paper to Owlbert's claw despite the bird's loud protest. Sirius lunged forward, grabbed his brother and ripped the letter from his hands.

He hadn't thought about that, warding the windows against Owlbert getting out. The small window at the top was always open as it was summer and Owlbert was out flying and came back whenever he felt like it.

He hadn't thought about Regulus being able to send a letter thanks to his error in logic.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Sirius shouted, his face colouring dangerously, his pulse so quick he could feel his blood getting hammered through his temples.

Regulus stumbled back, opened his mouth, lips trembling, but he couldn't get any words out.

"What is this?" Sirius asked harshly, holding the crumpled letter up in his hand.

Regulus shook his head, staring at Sirius, a shocked expression in his widened eyes.

"What is this?" Sirius roared and darted at his brother, causing Regulus to flinch hard and back up further until his back came in contact with the wall. Regulus raised his hands protectively.

Sirius unfolded the letter, pupils moving as skimmed it silently, his eyes darkening by the second.

"Bellatrix? You want Bellatrix to come and rescue you? _Please help me, my traitorous brother holds me captive_?"

Waves of anger radiated from Sirius, mixed with disappointment and deep hurt.

"Don't you have anything to say to that?" He yelled, ripping the letter to small pieces, letting them fall to their feet.

"You want me to get killed? Answer me!" Sirius seized his brother by the collar, bending down, bringing their faces so close together that their noses were almost touching. Regulus could feel his brother's agitated breath against his face, he stood still frozen in shock, fear flashing up in his big, grey eyes.

"You want them to come here and kill me? Do you hate me that much? Because you know that's what they'll do if they come here to _free_ you," Sirius shouted, his features distorted into an mask of rampant anger. "Maybe they'll make you do it. That would make a great debut for your career as a death eater, wouldn't it?"

Sirius gave his brother a hard shake.

"Please…" Regulus whimpered. Fear and shock were writ large on his face. Sirius felt his brother trembling under his tight grip.

 _The fear in his eyes._

Sirius released his brother as if he had been burnt. A sob escaped Regulus' lips as his back slid down the wall and he hunched up on the ground, hands held up.

Sirius stared at him. Memories flooded through his mind. His father, beating him with his fists to the ground, casting spells on him. Sirius raising his hands to protect himself, cowering away like a beaten dog. His mother screaming insults at him.

It was like he was reliving those memories. Only that he was his father.

No.

Horror-stricken at himself, Sirius fell to his knees in front of his brother who whimpered slightly with his eyes firmly shut. It was the posture of an abused child. Sirius' posture. But Regulus' as well, just in a different way. He'd seen it all, had been forced to see it, he must've been hurting as well.

The witness.

"Reg, it's okay. I won't hurt you," Sirius said softly, keeping his distance.

Regulus didn't move although his hitched breathing slightly evened out.

"You're safe, Reg. It's okay," Sirius mumbled. He forced himself to calm down, feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over his head.

Regulus opened his eyes and looked at Sirius, his eyes still fearful but he slowly composed himself. Sirius stayed completely silent, not moving an inch, not even blinking. They stared at each other.

Identical sets of grey eyes met. The eyes of the victim. The eyes of the doer. The eyes of their father, grey, like theirs. They were the same.

Both of them looked away and remained silent for some more time, caught up in their individual thoughts.

"Do you want to talk?" Sirius asked in a low voice. Regulus shook his head, his eyes hidden behind a curtain of black hair.

"Do you rather want to be alone?"

Regulus nodded.

Sirius watched his brother for another moment, then slowly got to his feet. He went over to the window, raised his wand and cast a spell on the windows to close them permanently.

He lifted Owlbert up into his arms, stroking the owl's feathers to calm the bird down as he left his room, not looking back at the boy who cowered on the ground among tiny scraps of paper.

After Sirius had let the owl fly outside, he went back to the kitchen, sat down on a chair and crossed his arms on the table, hunching over and hiding his face in his arms.

Regulus wanted him dead.

Could he save him? His brother wanted him dead.

Had he already lost before he had even begun?

Was it all a waste of time?

Sirius felt like crying.

He felt like screaming and kicking and cowering in a corner, felt like throwing things, felt like grabbing Regulus, shake him, beg him to see reason.

Maybe Regulus hadn't realized the consequences of sending a letter to Bellatrix.

Sirius felt like a lemon. There was no way Regulus wouldn't have known it. He was in the inner circle, the golden child, predestined to be one of You-Know-Who's closest confidants. Regulus must really hate him to want him dead. His brother. Dead.

Maybe he should let him go.

Maybe he should just give up on him. Regulus was a Slytherin, after all. He had always been eager to please their parents. Had absorbed their ideology and madness like a sponge.

But then again, he'd been abused as well, just in a different way. Sirius hadn't realized that until now. Regulus had always been more afraid of their parents, especially after he'd seen how they had treated Sirius for being different than they wanted him to be. Maybe Regulus had just been too soft, too weak. In need of his big brother, who had left him. Who had abandoned him.

Who was Regulus? Was he still his baby brother? Sirius thought about Regulus huddling on the ground, fearful. He thought about how he had held his brother last night.

Regulus was. He had to be.

And Sirius wouldn't give up on him. He wouldn't leave him. _I knew it would be difficult. I'm not one to back away as soon as there is an obstacle in the way._

 _"What if there are monsters in the darkness?" – "Then I'll protect you."_

He was Reg's big brother. He had left him alone for too long, but not any longer.

He had promised it.

I won't go anywhere, I promise.

This time he'd keep his promise.

He would never cross the ocean until he had the courage to lose sight of the shore. Now it was time to give his everything. He would fight tooth and nail to save Reg. _Baby brother. You're safe with me_. He would fight and not give up. He would fight until he had his brother back. _Fight for you._

* * *

Sirius didn't know how long he sat like this.

He was brought back to reality by the soft sounds of footsteps in the living room tentatively approaching the kitchen.

Sirius lifted his head and caught sight of Regulus standing in the doorpost, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

"Sirius?" He asked in a small voice.

Sirius sat up and turned his upper body into Regulus' direction. "Regulus? You hungry?" He asked, his voice throaty and weak, giving away his exhaustion without his consent. He straightened up, not willing to let his brother see him crumbled and broken.

"No – Yes, but, no, I mean… I'm hungry. But I wanted to apologize," Regulus stammered, gaze dropping to his feet.

Sirius eyed him critically. "For?"

"I… I don't want you dead," Regulus whispered. "I'm sorry." He was about to turn around and return to his room as Sirius' voice made him halt.

"Hey."

Regulus turned back and immediately was pulled into a hug by his brother who'd gotten up and approached him. At first, he remained stiff in the embrace, but Sirius' arms remained around him, warm, strong, holding him.

"It's okay. I forgive you," Sirius said, pulling Regulus' head to rest on his shoulder, resting his chin on the soft dark hair. He felt like a load was off his mind. Reg was still his baby brother.

Of course he forgave him. That's what Mr. Potter had done, each and every time James and he had gotten into trouble. Always forgiveness.

A sob broke free from Regulus' lips. "I'm sorry Sirius! I'm so sorry! I didn't think about it that way, I just forgot, it was so stupid… I don't want you dead, really! I'm sorry…" He sobbed into Sirius' shoulder, hugging his brother back tightly, his fingers clutching stiffly to the back of Sirius' shirt.

"Shh, I believe you. You're forgiven." And Sirius meant it. He believed Regulus. Regulus was still so young, and even though he was only a few years younger than Sirius, they mattered a lot. He had acted out of his anger, not out of real hate for him. Relief flooded through Sirius' body.

"Come on, let's sit down for a bit." He kept Regulus in a half-sided hug as he led him over to the couch in front of the fireplace. Sirius sat down on the couch, tugging his brother with him and pulling him back into his arms.

They stayed like this for a long time. Sirius held his brother, encircling him with his arms, keeping him safe. He felt Reg's heartbeat against his body, felt his soft breathing against his neck.

And he felt happiness. This was like a dream, Reg coming to him, seeking his comfort. His heart soared as he watched the flames dance, fantasizing about the future, the next days, how things might go. Maybe all would be well. If they could just stay like they were now, so close, finally brothers again.

How quickly things could change.

How such a small gesture could turn his mood upside down and save his world.

This was the key.

Love.

He had known it before, in his heart, but it wasn't until then that it struck him like lightning. He couldn't hide his feelings any longer. He had to open himself, completely, show compassion and affection and his love for his little brother openly so that Regulus would be able to open himself as well and show his own feelings. It was the only thing that could bring them back together.

No hiding himself any longer, no pretending to not be hurt, to be manly and all grown up, pushing his feelings away like they didn't exist.

He had to give his brother what he had always been denied by their parents.

Love.

Regulus craved it, and Sirius craved it as well. Sirius could feel it, with his brother in his arms, calmed down, but not moving, not attempting to shove him away.

Staying, voluntarily.

Hugging him back.

Just like when they had been young and had exchanged physical contact freely. It had been their safe place, hugging each other. Giving each other all the love they couldn't give their parents.

They had to establish that again; their bond, growing, strengthening with love. And Sirius had to make the first step. Then maybe, like today, Regulus would feel brave enough to show his feelings openly as well.

Sirius had to serve as a role model for Regulus on how to act, emotionally, morally. How should Reg know how to show his feelings. It had been forbidden by their parents.

 _A Black doesn't show weakness._

But love wasn't weakness. How should Reg know what was right and what was wrong, with their parents manipulating him like they had. Without his big brother showing him the way.

They didn't have to please their parents any longer. He would show Reg that they were free now, both of them.

tbc...


	7. Fight with you

After they got up, Sirius ordered dinner from Blinky and they ate, an unfamiliar sense of peacefulness stretching over the table.

"We could play a game of chess if you want," Sirius suggested diffidently, rolling spaghetti up and stuffing them into his mouth. "I remember you being pretty good at it."

"True, and I remember you being terrible at it," Regulus responded, then froze, and cast his brother an unsure glance.

But Sirius grinned. "True. You always beat me, even though you were so much younger. Though I bet I can beat you now. I've been practising with Remus, you know."

Sirius couldn't beat Regulus, he didn't even get close to it. He lacked the patience to come up with a proper strategy which was indispensable in order to master the game, but he enjoyed it nevertheless. The corners of Regulus mouth quirked up as the white pieces began to shout at his brother, gave him contradicting advice, and, in the end, even refused to move toward what they (and not without reason) believed to be their certain death.

Sirius took it with humor. "I don't think the white pieces want me to play for their side again. We'll have to rotate, I'm afraid." He laughed.

The black pieces started to object promptly and begged Regulus not to hand them over to the 'piece-slaughtering Gryffindor who played worse than a Troll'.

Regulus giggled, a sound that was music to Sirius' ears.

That night, Regulus lay awake in his bed for a long time, staring into the darkness of the room. From the corridor, he could hear the sounds of his brother getting ready for bed, Sirius' footsteps on the corridor, the old wooden floorboards creaking as he walked up and down while brushing his teeth. Not much later, the lights were being switched off and the small cottage lay in complete silence.

The room wasn't entirely dark, though, because the moon shone through the curtains, suffusing the small room with a dim, silver glimmer.

Regulus thought about his home, his room at 12 Grimmauld Place. It was bigger than the room he had now, and his bed there was softer, with the sheets always fresh and without a single crinkle, thanks to Kreacher. It was strange, but he felt much more safe and protected here, in this little cottage, with his brother.

When he thought of how Sirius had looked at him today, when he'd tried to send the letter, his heart constricted. He hadn't wanted to hurt his brother. Well, maybe at first, kind of, because he'd been angry, but not after he'd seen how Sirius had looked at him.

The hurt in his eyes. The disappointment. Sirius, dead – Regulus would never want that, never. Even though Sirius was a traitor, and his parents had said he was dead to the family – Regulus would never wish any harm upon his brother. Not in a hundred years.

And then the hug. Mother and Father had never hugged him. Not even when he'd still been little. The only people that had ever hugged him were Sirius and Andromeda.

The traitors.

Bellatrix had hugged him once, but it hadn't been a real hug. It had been a possessive, scheming hug, after his father had told her that Regulus would join the Death Eaters as soon as possible, that he'd offer his son as a sign of devotion to the cause. She'd said that she was so proud of Regulus, but her fingernails had borne into his shoulders like claws, and he'd felt the urge to rip free, to run out of the parlour, away from his father and Bellatrix, and take a deep breath.

Narcissa, his other cousin, was, for a lack of a better way to describe it, mostly very professional with him, even though she'd cast him a real, honest smile a few times. But hugging? No. Regulus couldn't even imagine her hugging her husband. He had to snicker at that thought; Narcissa and Lucius, as stiff as tin soldiers, trying to put their arms around each other.

Sirius' hugs were special. They were full, warm, genuine and strong. They came from Sirius' heart. They were the kind of hugs you wanted to wrap yourself into, close your eyes and forget everything else around you, like a warm blanket on a cold winter's night.

Sirius had hugged him a lot when they'd been little, it had given them both that strange form of comfort they secretly longed for, and their parents had never seemed huggable to them.

Then, the older they had gotten and the more Sirius had distanced himself from their family, the rarer the hugs had become. And after some time, they had stopped altogether. When Sirius had come back from his first year at Hogwarts, he'd been different, as if replaced by someone else.

Regulus turned to his side, drew the blanket tighter around his shoulders. His eyes felt prickly, all of a sudden.

If Sirius had only stayed… If he had only been a Slytherin. Maybe then, everything would've been different. Maybe their parents would've been proud of them both, and their relationship wouldn't have ended so badly. Maybe then his mother wouldn't have had to put all her hopes solely in Regulus.

 _Regulus, my only son. You won't disappoint me._

They would have been two, two proud sons of the House Black, and they could've defeated everything that stood in their way, together, as brothers.

But Sirius had betrayed them. He'd never understood the sacredness of pure blood, and why it had to be protected. Sirius had succumbed to the lures of the mudbloods, and the traitors had taken him away from them, presenting him like a trophy as they held him up high in the house of Gryffindor.

They had made him turn against their family. Against their parents. Against Regulus.

The Gryffindors. The blood traitors. The mudbloods. They had taken Sirius away from them.

Regulus didn't think that Sirius really knew what he was doing. He was a Gryffindor, no doubt, and that was inconvenient, but still, some pureblood Gryffindors remembered about their values and took part in their movement. It was simply easier to see for a Slytherin, thanks to their wit and intelligence, why the pure-blood-supremacy was the right thing.

Regulus longed for his brother to return to their family's values. If he could just make him see reason, maybe then the Dark Lord would forgive Sirius, and they could stand together on the winning side, a family again.

* * *

The next day started out very calmly, the weather wasn't as good as on the previous days, but the brothers felt more at ease with each other than before. They ate breakfast and lunch together, and in the afternoon, Sirius made them both a cup of tea and then they had another game of wizarding chess. The black pieces were displeased that Regulus played with the white ones this time, grumbling and muttering and complaining about every move Sirius made, but Sirius didn't care, he even thought it was funny.

"Will we return home some time these holidays?" Regulus asked his brother as he moved one of his knights to B5, threatening a rook and a bishop at the same time.

Sirius was at a loss for words for a moment, his lips moved before he eventually spoke. "I don't think so. Why are you asking?"

"I just… I mean, you're the heir. The house, it belongs to you now, so why are we here and not there?"

Sirius bit his lip and chose to save his rook and sacrifice the bishop. "Actually, I didn't want the house. I'd prefer to never have to see it again."

"So… will you give it away?" Regulus asked as he watched his knight brutally destroying Sirius' bishop, feeling slightly anxious now. Even with their parents dead, Grimmauld Place was still his home. He loved the house. It was still a link to their parents, to their past; theirs and their family's. And as long as the house was there, he could imagine that their parents were still there too, waiting.

"No, I don't think that's possible. According to the testament, it's something that comes with being head of the House Black. You gotta have a family home, like a headquarters. I had the choice to take it all or to leave it all. And I wouldn't leave you again," Sirius answered deliberately, choosing his words carefully.

Reg thought about that. He cocked his head slightly. "So then, as the head of the House of Black… you are responsible to ensure that our house remains great."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "What are you driving at?"

"I mean holding up our families traditions. Securing our place in the wizarding society."

"I don't care about any of that," Sirius spat as he indifferently moved a pawn a square further. "That was Mother's thing."

Regulus stared at him. "How can you say that? You can't let our name get ruined just like that. It's a great name, and it deserves great effort to keep it pure and noble," he exclaimed, indignantly. "– I wouldn't do that, don't you see my bishop?" He added, frowning at Sirius' careless move.

Sirius huffed. "Don't you get it, Reg? It's just a farce. It's something pure-blood maniacs made up. Names, heritage, blood – it all means nothing." He leaned back and he watched Regulus' bishop take his pawn too, not feeling particularly interested in the game anymore.

Regulus gaped at him. "But you took it! You took the responsibility – and now you're responsible! How can you say such things, as if they don't matter? They're important, Sirius! They're what makes our house great, what stabilizes the wizarding society. I know you spend a lot of time with blood-traitors and mudbloods -" He didn't get any further because Sirius interrupted him.

"Watch what you're saying!" Sirius growled, not willing to let Regulus insult his friends.

Regulus was still staring, a look of disappointment, betrayal even, darkening his grey eyes. "Doesn't being the Head of the House of Black awake any feeling of responsibility, of honor in you?!"

"Your definition of honor doesn't even come close to mine. I think it's honorable to protect the weak, to help people, to fight for equality and justice. You think it's honorable to attack defenseless people and even children?" Sirius asked in a hard voice, clearly referring to the Hogsmeade attack not long ago.

Regulus ignored that. "Come on, Sirius. We have to fight for our own people. Where the enemy appears, he brings ruin by destroying everything we have built over centuries in only a few years. Don't you see how the system is already changing, is allowing them to control us, to look down at us and laugh at us? You are so brainwashed by those mudblood-lovers that you –"

"I told you I don't want you to use that word!"

"It's what they are, Sirius. You're simply too blind to see it but they're destroying our society, they're an insidious, because concealed threat, and one that is growing and must be brought under control! We have to protect ourselves! We mustn't associate with the enemy! Please, Sirius, I know the reason you took on the responsibility of your title is because you feel it as well, deep inside you."

"I don't care about any of that shit. The only reason I am Head of the House of Black is _you_!" Sirius almost shouted.

Regulus shook his head at him, gaze cold now. "How can you say that? How can you allow our name to be disgraced?"

"It's a disgrace what our ancestors did, Regulus. They were evil, vile people. They murdered, tortured, stole – how can you be proud of that?" Sirius ground the words out as he felt his jaw muscles tighten.

"That's all lies! If you only came to see that our cause is worth fighting for, I'm sure the Dark Lord would forgive you! Do you really want to help traitors and mudbloods destroy everything wizards have built? Are you really capable of wanting that, because I don't think so, I think it's the mudbloods –"

"Regulus…" Sirius hissed through clenched teeth, fighting hard to restrain himself.

Regulus continued, pretended not to have heard Sirius. "- that have you under their control, they are manipulating you, you are just too naïve, lacking in intuition and allowing yourself to be deceived by their lies, you regard then them as your equals, but therein lies the danger, the mudbloods remain what they are!"

Sirius slammed his hand on the table, causing Regulus to jump from the noise.

"I swear, Regulus, use that word one more time –"

Regulus glared at him defiantly and said with as much disgust as he could muster up: "Well, they are _mudbloods_."

Sirius shot up at this, and in two long strides was next to Regulus. He hauled the boy out of his chair, spun him around and smacked him sharply across his backside.

 _Enough is enough._

"What did I say?" He barked, swinging Regulus back to face him.

Regulus stared at his brother, shocked, with his mouth wide open. He attempted to take a step back but Sirius had a firm grip on his left forearm. And then, much to his consternation, his eyes started to water.

"Why did you do that?" Regulus intended his voice to sound angry, but instead he sounded like a whiny toddler.

Sirius, who seemed shocked at himself at first too, searched for words. Had he really just smacked his brother? But quickly, he composed himself. "You know exactly why," Sirius said sternly.

Regulus looked at him with big eyes. He sniffled slightly, fighting the urge to sneak a hand back and rub the lingering sting out of his backside.

He wasn't going to allow Sirius to see how much that smack had smarted, no, he wouldn't give Sirius that satisfaction.

"When I tell you something, I expect you to do it. I will not tolerate such language out of your mouth, understood?" Sirius said, levelling his brother with a hard stare.

Regulus didn't respond, instead, he darted a black look at his big brother, then looked away, anxious that Sirius could see the tears that swam in his eyes.

Sirius exhaled audibly. "Look at me," he commanded, his voice less stern now.

Regulus reluctantly lifted his eyes and met his older brother's gaze.

"Do you understand?" Sirius said, very slowly.

Regulus nodded, tugged at him arm, and Sirius released him. The younger boy instantly turned and ran to his room, escaping the tension of the living room, his feelings in a complete turmoil. He slammed the door, threw himself on his bed, and rolled onto his stomach, hiding his face in his pillow. A few tears slipped out of his eyes.

What was wrong with him, why was he reacting like this? His ears burned at the memory of Sirius smacking him, the events that had just taken place replayed over and over in his mind. How dare Sirius treat him like that! He was not a child!

But at the same time, he didn't find it in himself to really be angry at Sirius, even though he wanted to. Sirius had told him several times that he didn't like him using that word. And Regulus had provoked him, he had to admit that.

 _Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ But he'd been so frustrated that Sirius didn't seem to find any of his arguments convincing. His parents had always said that the muggles and mudbloods were a huge danger. And they would have to know it, after all.

Regulus sniffed. Why was he even feeling this way? It had just been a stupid smack, but somehow he felt awful to have provoked Sirius so far that his big brother had felt it was necessary to smack him like a small child.

And he didn't want Sirius to see him like that.

* * *

About an hour later, the creaking of the door jolted Regulus out of an exhausted sleep. It was Sirius, sticking his head into the room.

"It's dinnertime," he said softly.

"I'm not hungry," Regulus mumbled into his pillow, not moving an inch.

"I don't care, get up. I won't let you starve yourself. You can continue brooding in your room after dinner," Sirius said decidedly, now in a firmer tone.

Regulus turned and sat up, but avoided looking at his brother. Sirius opened the door further and held it open, motioning for Regulus to step through. Reluctantly, Regulus got up and went into the kitchen, his brother following closely behind him. Dinner was already on the table, it was oatmeal porridge served in wooden bowls and in the middle of the table stood a smaller bowl with cream. It looked delicious.

Merlin, he was hungry. Good that Sirius had forced him to – Err, that he had agreed to eat.

They sat down and started to eat without another word.

The silence was incredibly awkward. Regulus shifted on his chair uneasily, his ears burning as the smack Sirius had given him earlier entered his thoughts again. Secretly, he cast Sirius a few glances to judge if Sirius was still angry with him. But Sirius' expression was, if anything, very pensive, and he kept his eyes equally glued on his food as Regulus.

Regulus wolfed the porridge down, eager to escape the uncomfortable situation as soon as possible.

Suddenly there was a fluttering of wings. A snowy white owl perched on the kitchen window, cooing softly as it puffed its feathers in an attempt to get their attention. Sirius instantly recognized it as Hermes, the Potter's owl.

He took the letter from Hermes' claw, petted the owl and gave him a treat, then sat back down, and unfolded the letter.

Regulus' interest was woken and, especially after watching his brother read the letter and seeing a small smile forming on Sirius' lips. When Sirius looked up, his eyes were shining.

Regulus found himself almost smiling back, unconsciously mirroring his brother's expression. He was glad a new topic presented itself.

"The Potters invite us for dinner tomorrow evening." Sirius put the letter down.

"Will we go?"

"Sure. It will be great. I bet you'll like them very much, They're the kindest people I know." Sirius' smile widened.

Suddenly, uncertainty washed over Regulus. The Potters were Gryffindors. Pure-blooded, but blood traitors. They wouldn't welcome him. Regulus hesitated, shoved his porridge from one side of the bowl to the other.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, his smile vanishing. Regulus' change of mood hadn't gone unnoticed.

"I don't think I want to go," Regulus mumbled, not meeting his brother's eyes.

Sirius leaned back, confused. "Why not?"

"They're Gryffindors." Regulus didn't want to call them blood traitors right now, not after what had transpired earlier in the afternoon. But he let it resonate in the tone he used.

Sirius huffed. "So what? I'm a Gryffindor too. They're like my family."

"Yeah, your family. Then why don't you go live with them and leave me in peace?" Regulus spat bitterly. He shoved his half-eaten bowl of porridge away and pushed his chair back.

"Stop." Sirius' voice cut through the air. Regulus stopped dead in his tracks."Is this about earlier? What's the problem, Reg?"

Regulus' mouth remained a thin line. For some inexplicable reason, he didn't want Sirius to meet the Potters. They had taken his brother away, they had made a traitor of him. It was all their fault.

 _They're like my family._ What about Sirius' real family? What about him, Regulus, his brother?

Regulus tried to hide the jealousy that crept up on him. He was jealous of the Potters! What was wrong with him?

"They're the best people I've ever met, and I owe them everything. They took me in after I ran from our parents, and they treated me like their own. They showed me what love was, friendship, home, what being protected and cared about felt like. Everything I am today I am thanks to them. You are my brother, Reg. You belong to me now. They will view you as family too if you let them." Sirius tried for an encouraging smile. "Just be nice, and I swear you'll like them."

Regulus considered that. He knew Sirius would go there anyway, and it was more of a question of whether he would come along voluntarily or whether Sirius would have to drag him there. It would only piss Sirius off if Regulus decided to make a fuss. And he didn't want Sirius angry with him… Not now. Regulus looked up and into Sirius' eyes, saw them pleading with him. "Fine," He mumbled.

"Thank you," Sirius said in a sincere voice, smiling at his little brother.

There was a hope shining in his expression again, incredibly confident all of a sudden.

To Regulus, it was almost frightening.

tbc…


	8. The Potters

The next day was a Sunday. The whole day, an obtrusive nervosity had been tearing at Regulus' nerves, and the later it got, the worse it got. It didn't help either that, unlike him, Sirius got more and more excited with every hour that passed. His constant smile was unnerving, and Regulus had to gulp down a few snide remarks aimed at seeing his brother's mood falter.

No, he felt miserable. It was one thing being here with Sirius, it was a whole other thing having to spend the evening with _them_. Maybe Sirius would come to realize that he didn't need Regulus. And Regulus didn't want to be dragged around like a bothersome appendage that nobody really wanted around.

Maybe Sirius would leave him. Or, let him leave. Then Regulus could go back to Grimmauld Place and everything would be hunky dory again. If only his stomach didn't twist at the thought, and a strange heaviness settling at what he would leave behind.

He sat in the living room, cuddled up in an armchair, eyes not leaving the old grandfather clock. He watched the minute hand move and move again, with a quick, accentuated tick-tock, tick-tock.

Sirius sat with him in the living room for some time, but eventually got bored of his ill-humoured brother and had spent the last half hour in his room. And when Sirius came out again some fifteen minutes later, obviously having been bored by himself, he sickened Regulus even more with his happy demeanour and light-footed tread.

"It's almost time! Are you ready?" Sirius asked, eager to leave.

"As ready as I'll get," Regulus grumbled.

Sirius opened the front door and held it open for Regulus to step through. They walked side by side over the soft green hills and for the first time, Regulus came to acknowledge the beauty of the landscape. It was evening, and the sun's reflection on the Loch's surface made it appear like a lake full of liquid gold, the majestic mountains that could be seen in the distance stood out darkly against the warm colours of the sky. He wished they could stay. Have a nice evening here, and Regulus wouldn't even look for something to complain about.

After some walking, Sirius paused and took Regulus by the hand. They had reached the wards surrounding the house.

"We'll apparate. On three. One… two… three!" Sirius held on Regulus firmly as he disapparated, taking Regulus with him via side-along apparition.

Everything went black, and a moment later they reappeared in a quiet alley somewhere in England. The alley was lined with beautiful urban villas, it was a muggle neighborhood, Regulus recognized that instantly. Neat front yards, cars parked in the driveways. He scowled. Of course, he should've known that the muggle-loving Potters lived in a muggle area.

He followed Sirius who steered towards to a pretty, traditional brick building that was well-lit and radiated a warm, welcoming feeling.

Sirius opened the cadetblue-painted fence gate and followed a stone way and then stone stairs up to the front door. Regulus trailed after him. A middle-aged, friendly looking woman opened the front door. A warm-hearted smile appeared on her face at the sight of Sirius.

She pulled him into an affectionate hug.

"Ah, Sirius. It's so great you're here." She released him, her hazel eyes lingering lovingly upon Sirius for a few seconds, then she turned to Regulus who shifted uncomfortably, an unease in his stomach as he looked from her to Sirius and back.

"And you must be Regulus." She smiled, and before Regulus knew it, she'd pulled him into a hug as well. The boy stiffened for a second but then smiled back diffidently, surprised that her geniality extended to him too, not only Sirius.

"Come in boys, dinner is almost ready. And James has been bouncing the walls since the early afternoon." She held the door open for them and waited until they both were inside before closing it again. While Regulus was still looking around, Sirius already walked purposefully to the living room, where James appeared in the doorpost, a broad grin on his face.

"Hey, mate. How are you?" James welcomed him, giving Sirius a one-sided hug.

"If I was any finer, I'd be china," Sirius responded, and James chuckled.

Regulus screwed up his nose at the lame joke.

"It's good to see you. It's pretty boring without you here." James said. Then he looked at Regulus. "Hi Regulus."

"Hi," Regulus said in a careful voice. Even though nothing unpleasant had happened yet, he didn't quite feel at ease with the Gryffindor terror-duo combined.

Footsteps were audible, coming from upstairs, and a tall, grey-haired man with a moustache appeared, climbing down the stairs, a warm smile plastered on his face as well. The man held a distinctive resemblance to James, except for his eyes and glasses, which James had inherited from his mother.

"Sirius." He said, his eyes wrinkling. He opened his arms and gave Sirius a big hug, and Sirius wholeheartedly hugged back.

Regulus hugged himself around the middle. The constant hugging going on here confused him. This family was unknown land, and he was a fish out of water.

Then Mr. Potter's eyes fell upon Regulus, and he gave him an encouraging nod. "Hello Regulus. I'm Mr. Potter." He extended his hand, and Regulus accepted it. The man's handshake was firm but somehow pleasantly warm, and after that Mr. Potter put his hand on Regulus shoulder, giving it a light pat. "We're glad you're here."

Regulus felt himself easing up a bit, glad that the Potters hadn't spurned him from the beginning. He hadn't wanted to admit it to himself, but he'd imagined that he would be subjected to nothing more but cold looks.

Mrs. Potter cleared her throat and advised them to go forward and into the dining room, she'd look after the roast beef meanwhile. In the dining room stood an ancient, circular wooden table, large enough to seat about six people. They all sat down and Regulus quickly chose the chair next to Sirius. James, who'd also showed interest in that chair, let Regulus have it and chose another one.

"So, how are you, Regulus? How do you like the cottage?" Mr. Potter asked.

Regulus shifted uneasily on his chair, he'd rather just observe and stay silent, but as he looked into Sirius' expectant face, he decided to answer politely.

"I am… fine, I guess. The cottage is… fine as well. It's pretty." Regulus finished lamely. What was he supposed to say? That he was being held a prisoner?

"That it is, we've spent a quite few holidays there, when James was still very young, and last year as well. It belonged to an aunt of Euphemia's, and she left it to us after her death a few years ago. The village nearby is also very interesting. Have you visited it?" Mr. Potter said.

"Not yet," Regulus said curtly. He nervously kneaded his fingers, keeping his hands in his lap, hidden under the table. To his great relief, Mrs. Potter chose that exact moment to enter the dining room with the roast beef.

"Wow, that looks delicious, Mum!" James exclaimed. The others agreed.

As they ate, the Potters and Sirius made light conversation, talking about the finals in school and how Sirius' year had been. James and Sirius joked around a lot, and told their parents a few funny stories from school, although they didn't always reveal their parts in the pranks. Mr. and Mrs. Potter laughed wholeheartedly, and even Regulus found himself smirking. James and Sirius were famous for their troublemaker's attitude, and they thought it was a miracle how they got through with it almost every time even though everyone knew that it had been them.

Regulus thought it was because they were Gryffindors. A Slytherin would've been long expelled, but for Gryffindors, other rules seemed to apply.

Regulus' mood changed instantly as he thought about that. He shot James glares over the dinner table, but James didn't seem to notice. Regulus would've loved to snitch on James right now and get him into trouble, but he bit it back after a look at his brother. He didn't want to destroy Sirius' family evening.

Family. Sirius' family.

Wasn't he Sirius' blood family? And Sirius hadn't cared about him during the last years at all. He hadn't even spoken to him, ignored him in Hogwarts' corridors, hadn't even looked at him. He'd just replaced him with a new brother, a funnier, better, Gryffindor brother.

Regulus' mood sank to icy temperatures, and he was glad no one asked him a question, for he might've snapped at the person.

Again, Regulus felt jealously constrict his heart. Why was he jealous? They were all blood traitors. He shouldn't care about any of them, even less Sirius who had stained their family's name.

 _Your brother is nothing but a traitor, see him for what he is. Worthless scum of the earth, turning on his own blood,_ His mother's voice hissed inside his head, he remembered her dark eyes bearing into his as she said that to him.

He mustn't have such thoughts about wanting Sirius back. About wanting to be with his brother. Sirius was dead to the family, he should be dead to Regulus too. The Potters could have him if they wanted, he shouldn't care.

But he did. Merlin, he cared. He wanted his brother to hold him, to smile at him, he wanted him to be his family again. What was Sirius doing with him? Was he being brainwashed? Those thoughts were forbidden.

Sirius tried to make him a traitor too. And Regulus wouldn't let him. He mustn't. This emotional manipulation might work on others, but Regulus saw it now. They were all traitors, and they were trying to bring him to their side.

After Dinner, the Potters and Sirius moved into the living room, and Regulus followed reluctantly. They started talking about Quidditch.

"Regulus, I heard you were Seeker for Slytherin?" Mrs. Potter asked, trying to get Regulus involved in the conversation. But Regulus could see through it. It was all a farce, the friendliness, the pretended feelings. They were evil traitors. And he'd almost fallen for it.

"I am." He said curtly and not exactly friendly. Mrs. Potter pretended not to notice, but Sirius' head turned immediately and he raised his eyebrows at his brother in an admonitory manner.

The conversation continued to the Quidditch World Cup next year, the Potters talked about the Dissimulator incident of 1974's World Cup.

"I'm glad there's no wand ban anymore. It was really a stupid idea," said Sirius.

"I'm not so sure about that," said Mr. Potter. "1974, it seemed like a stupid idea, but how things are now, I'd probably feel safer as a stadium guest if I knew that there were no wands around."

"But Dad, the – err, people who want to do something evil might just smuggle their wands in somehow and then all the good, obedient people who followed the rules submissively will be unarmed and vulnerable." said James.

"But more wands around means a higher aggression potential as well, James. It means furthermore that everyone who wants to do something evil doesn't even have to smuggle his wand in," said Mr. Potter thoughtfully.

"Well, then _certain people_ just shouldn't be granted entrance into the stadium!" James said hotly and Sirius agreed instantly.

"You can't just not allow people into the stadium only judged on what you think they possibly might do, without having any evidence –" Mr Potter said, but then was interrupted by Mrs. Potter.

"James, why don't you help me bring out the dessert. I've got us some really good lemon cheese cake."

Mrs. Potter said, looking pointedly at her son and husband in the meaning of _We have guests!_

She didn't want a fight to erupt the first evening Regulus spent with them.

The conversation fell silent and Mrs. Potter and James went into the kitchen. Mr. Potter turned to Sirius and Regulus.

"Sirius, you haven't told me about your grades last year yet." Mr. Potter said, changing the topic completely.

"Err, they were alright. I got an O in Transfiguration, Defense against the Dark Arts and Astronomy, and an E in Potions and Charms. In the other subjects, I got an A, and… History of Magic didn't go so well." Sirius grimaced. He'd gotten a T this year, but just because Snivellus had snitched on him and James for using extendable eyes to crib from Remus. He still had to repay him for this, Sirius thought angrily.

"You need to keep your grades up if you want to become an auror, Sirius. I said the same thing to James. Fun time is over, the N.E.W.T's are no cakewalk." Mr. Potter reminded him seriously.

Sirius nodded, biting his lip. He knew he had slacked a bit the last months, and he didn't really have any excuse for that, except for that without Snivellus, they wouldn't have been that bad in History of Magic. But he was smart enough not to say that.

At this moment, Mrs. Potter and James returned, carrying five plates with dessert. They handed one to each of them before seating themselves again. The cake was really delicious, and Sirius and James had wolfed down their piece in a huge bite and were soon asking if they could get another one.

Mrs. Potter nodded but added "Bring your brother another piece as well, Sirius" as Sirius and James got up.

Then Regulus was all alone in the living room, sitting opposite to Mr. and Mrs. Potter.

"How are you, Regulus?" Mrs. Potter asked suddenly, and Regulus looked up. She had leaned forward with her elbows resting on the tops of her thighs, looking at him with a soft, almost motherly expression in her eyes.

"I know it is difficult to lose both parents at such a young age. I myself lost my parents when I was twelve, my aunt raised me. If you ever need someone to talk to, we'll be very honoured to listen. We'd love if you considered us family as well, your brother does, you know that. He is like a second son to us."

Regulus was surprised by the sincerity in her voice, and he firmly had to remind himself that she was a blood traitor and not to be trusted. They were really good, he had to admit that. Trying to lull him into trusting them.

"I'm fine, thank you." He said curtly, avoiding their eyes. Out of the corners of his eyes, he saw Mr. Potter patting his wife's shoulder lightly.

Sirius and James returned, carrying their second helping of dinner. Sirius handed a plate to Regulus, but Regulus barely ate any of it. His appetite had faded, and he just wanted to go home.

Home. When had he started to think of the cottage as home? Because it wasn't. Grimmauld Place was his home.

Sirius and James talked agitatedly about something, Mrs. Potter smiling at them. They seemed like a happy family. He wasn't needed. They might say they wanted him here, but in reality, he didn't belong. Regulus met Mr. Potter's eyes shortly but quickly looked away. He felt like an intruder.

He belonged to the other side.

It got later and later, and the clock next to the fireplace reminded him that it was almost eleven. Really late. Mrs. Potter realized obviously that Regulus was really tired because she cleared her throat and pointed the time out to the others.

"It's getting late, boys. And I'm not as young as you are, my old bones are getting tired. I think I'm going to bed now. Regulus, Sirius, it was wonderful to see you. Please visit us again soon." She got up and wished them all a good night, hugging Sirius and Regulus goodbye.

After she left the room, Sirius sat up. "I think that's our keyword. We should go home soon, Mrs. Potter is right, it's late." He said to Regulus, who nodded relieved.

"May I talk to you in private, Mr. Potter? We'll go home afterwards, but there's something I'd like to talk to you about." Sirius asked, turning to Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter nodded. "Of course. Why don't you accompany me to my office, Sirius?" He said, getting up. They both left the room, leaving James and Regulus sitting in their armchairs.

Awkward silence lay in the air for a few moments, but finally, James decided to say something.

"You really are a good Seeker, I must admit that. Some of those moves you made the last game against Hufflepuff made me pretty envious."

Regulus was astounded by that, for James was an excellent Seeker as well. He'd had a hard time last year getting the snitch, and there was usually a huge animosity between the Gryffindor and Slytherin teams, the games were rough, and even outside of the games, the teams despised each other like the pest.

James made a lopsided smile and tried to involve Regulus in a conversation about Quidditch. They ended up talking about last season and how they both thought that Hufflepuff's keeper had more luck each game than they deemed was possible.

"It's just awesome how the Jones gets to block the quaffle almost each and every time, even though he moves like an owl that drunk too much firewhiskey."

That made Regulus laugh. The Hufflepuff keeper was really a small miracle, they wondered each time how he managed to stay on his broom and at the same time literally never let a chaser score.

They talked for a bit, and Regulus found himself almost liking James. As much as you could like a _Gryffindor_ , of course. No wonder he and Sirius got along well. They had the same kind of easy-going humour and a friendly though slightly mischievous aura. But of course, he was a traitor, and you couldn't really like a traitor. James was most likely just pretending to be nice, for Sirius' sake. Because the Potters wanted to keep Sirius on their side.

James smiled for a moment, then looked Regulus directly in the eyes, suddenly getting serious. "He really cares for you, you know. You are all he's thought about the last weeks, and especially after the Hogsmeade attacks."

Regulus' heart dropped at that. Had Sirius recognized him? Did he know he'd been there with the other Slytherin death eaters? They had originally planned to just create a bit of chaos, but suddenly there had been masks and the others had started casting spells on younger students and destroying the shops. Regulus had been taken off guard by that, he was being dragged along, and suddenly a fight with the teachers and other adults had erupted. And then he'd seen Sirius.

He'd felt awful afterwards. It had all gotten out of control, and now he suddenly felt so ashamed for it. What had been the point of torturing children and destroying Hogsmeade? It wasn't as if they had just attacked muggle-born students, they'd just attacked everyone who wasn't in Slytherin. It had felt so wrong afterwards.

Meanwhile, Mr. Potter and Sirius seated themselves in Mr. Potter's office.

"So, please tell me, how are things going with your brother, Sirius?" Mr. Potter asked softly.

Sirius took a deep breath and recounted the events of the last days. He didn't leave anything out.

"I'm just unsure of whether I'm doing the right thing. I'm so unsure of everything I do. Sometimes I want to hug him, sometimes I want to shake him. It's all so complicated!"

Mr. Potter leaned forward and put his hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I think you're doing a great job so far, son. I've kept an eye on your brother this evening, and even though he seemed a bit awkward with us, the way he looks at you, it's obvious he's already started to form a bond with you again. He looks up to you, although he himself might not realize it.

You have to understand that he's in a difficult situation, much more difficult than you were when you came to us. He's torn between his love for you and his loyalty to his parents."

"Sometimes I don't think he loves me. He always tells me he wants to go and then he provokes me, insults me, is insufferable at times. I smacked him yesterday after he used the word _mudblood_ over and over again, just to spite me." Sirius looked up at Mr. Potter, searching his eyes for any guidance. "I'm so worried I'm messing everything up. What if I fail? I've just got this summer, and the differences between us are so huge."

"Listen to me, Sirius. You are doing a magnificent job, it's just been a few days yet and there have already been a lot of changes. Don't rush things, son.

The most important thing is love. Show him your love, unconditionally. It's what he needs the most, and everything else will come to be eventually. But love is the basis.

Remember, what you needed most when you came here was a loving, secure environment. You give your brother your love, you make him feel secure, and you can't fail. It's what sets us apart from the death eaters."

Sirius nodded. Love. The hugs he'd given his brother, they had made their relationship grow faster than anything else.

"But you can't forget you are his guardian now. Even though you are also his brother, you are here to guide him, to protect him. To show him the right way. Loving someone means also sometimes doing things to protect them, even from themselves. I know it's a heavy burden for somebody as young as you are, and I wish I could relieve you of it. But you are the only person in the world who can save your brother, and you need to do it with constant love and loving guidance. Be firm if you need to be, but never make him feel unloved. Never withhold your forgiveness, never deny him a hug. If he comes to see the mistakes of your parents, the wrong values of his past, you need to be the shoulder he can lean on. It will be a difficult time for him and he'll need you, his big brother, to guide him, more than ever before.

But remember, you are never alone. We are always here for you, day and night. Okay?" Mr. Potter patted his shoulder lightly.

"Okay," whispered Sirius. "So was I right to smack him? I... I was shocked at myself for doing it. The moment it happened I wanted to run after him and apologize."

"As far as I understand it, it was the day after he tried to send the letter? When he was afraid you would act like your father?"

Sirius nodded.

"That sounds to me like he was, unconsciously, testing you. Think about it, Sirius. How would your father have reacted had you provoked him like Regulus did you yesterday?"

"He… would've beaten me, or hexed me. Most likely would've left me battered and bruised." Sirius swallowed. Mr. Potter knew how his parents had treated him, as one of the only people besides James, Mrs. Potter and Regulus. Even so, it was difficult to talk about it.

"To be able to trust you, Regulus needs proof of your word. You promised you wouldn't act like your father, but actions speak louder than words."

"I guess they do. Even so, I felt immediately guilty for smacking him. The way he looked at me… But I didn't know what else to do! What should I have done?" Sirius looked up to Mr. Potter, his eyes desperate.

An emotion flashed over Mr. Potter's face, and Sirius could swear it was some kind of sadness.

"It's never easy to discipline someone you love. You are Regulus' brother, and you love him like a brother. But you are more now. His guardian. And he needs to know that too, he needs to know that there are boundaries. They are necessary to keep him protected. You have warned him, a few times, more than I would've warned you or James in a similar situation – and he chose to disobey.

With that, he leaves you no choice but to give him some sort of consequence. May that be a telling off, a warning, sending him to his room, or a quick smack. I probably would've chosen to act the same way you did – sending him to his room doesn't sound like a punishment if he is hiding there most of the day, and he didn't react to the warnings, or any reasonable talking to. Sometimes a quick smack raises the attention of a child, and it'll create a way to get through to him.

You just need to be sure that it's the right thing to do, before every punishment, especially a physical one. A smack doesn't harm your brother, but if you smack your brother unfairly, you might hurt his trust in you, his confidence that you can handle situations for him, take responsibility for him. So be sure to make clear what you expect of him, and what will happen if he _chooses_ to disobey. Even if he provokes you, you need to stay calm and clear your head of any aggression you might feel before disciplining him. Were you angry before smacking him?"

Sirius thought about that. He had been, kind of. "Yeah, a bit. But more desperate than angry. I didn't think much, I just acted. Sometimes he is… infuriating."

"It's understandable, and it is okay to feel slightly angry, or, I'd prefer to say, displeased with his actions. But _never_ punish him simply out of your anger. I know this wasn't the case here, but I want you to remember it anyway: Discipline is about what Regulus _needs_ , not what you want to do or not to do. It's all about him. If you think he deserves a smack, think about whether he _needs it_ as well. Does it give him consequences, help him learn and understand, then it's the right thing to do, no matter whether you want or don't want to do it. If he already shows remorse, or snaps out of it and realizes his mistake, then a punishment is not always necessary, and a warning would do in a situation like this. Even if you might still feel angry, this is never about you. It is always about him."

Sirius nodded. He knew in his heart that something had changed between his brother and him. He had started to think in a different way about his brother. In a more protective, parental way. The moment he took responsibility had meant that they couldn't just be brothers any longer. It had made him sad somehow, but it was better this way than any other.

"Sometimes I feel so helpless dealing with him." He confessed.

"You both are still adjusting, Sirius. It's okay to feel helpless, but remember that you aren't. We are here, for you, always. And for your brother as well. Sometimes, another, neutral perspective is needed to see things clearly."

"Thank you. Your advice means a lot to me, you know." Sirius smiled at Mr. Potter.

"It honours me to hear that. You've grown to be a good man, Sirius, and I'm very proud of you. I know you can do it. I have no doubt about that." Mr. Potter said firmly.

After a few minutes, they rejoined James and Regulus in the living room, and the brothers bid their goodbyes and left. It was half past eleven when they got back to the cottage, and they both fell tiredly into their beds a short time later, each of them wrapped up in their individual thoughts, trying to compensate the feelings of the evening.

TBC…


	9. About Books and Broomsticks

The next day started out with a beautiful morning, the sky was clear of clouds and the temperature already very warm even though the sun had just risen a few hours ago. Sirius woke up very early, feeling very hopeful and confident after their visit at the Potters. He could do it. He would do it.

He got up silently, careful not to be too loud and accidentally wake Regulus, and opened the front door, stepping out into the fresh morning air that promised a beautiful summer day to follow. He let the sunbeams caress his skin as he wandered a bit over the green meadows, enjoyed listening to the soft humming of the bees flying from one purple heather bush to the next, watched butterflies spreading their colourful wings and dancing in front of him.

Nature here was truly of magical beauty. Sirius looked back to the small cottage, thinking it would be the perfect day to swim in the lake or fly a bit on their brooms. He'd kept Reg's and his broom hidden until now, not trusting his brother with it, but after yesterday, he felt confident that Reg would stay with him, inside the wards, if he would just keep an eye on him. Regulus hadn't tried to run away yesterday either, he had been polite and very well behaved, and Sirius felt he should reward Regulus' behaviour somehow. It was not his intention to keep his brother prisoner, he wanted Regulus to enjoy his time here, he wanted his brother to stay out of his own will, eventually.

After some time, Sirius returned to the cottage, went to the kitchen and started to fry some eggs and prepare some other stuff for breakfast. It amazed him how much he liked the little morning ritual he had established for himself the last days, making breakfast for himself and his brother. It put his mind at rest and he could do something nice for his brother, make food Regulus liked, show an effort. It was a subtle way to show that he cared for his brother. And he felt that Regulus appreciated it, at least yesterday and the day before, Reg had liked the pancakes, Sirius knew that.

It made him proud and warmed his heart.

After some minutes, Reg walked into the kitchen, still in his pyjamas, yawning heavily as he stopped in the doorpost, watching Sirius work for a bit.

"Can I help you with anything?" He asked his big brother, not wanting to stand around useless any longer, feeling awkward.

Sirius was positively surprised. He smiled and pointed at the toaster "Put some toasts in it. After that, you can carry these plates to the table," he advised his brother, motioning towards the plates next to him.

Regulus nodded and did as he was bidden, preparing the table while Sirius finished frying the eggs.

"You want coffee or tea? Or orange juice?" Sirius asked his brother.

Regulus decided he wanted tea, and then they both sat down at the table, enjoying their breakfast.

"Have you slept well?" Sirius asked casually. Regulus nodded, his mouth so full of toast and bacon that he held some resemblance to a hamster, causing the corners of Sirius' mouth to twitch upwards at the thought.

"I thought we could go outside today, the weather is great. We've sat too long inside, it's summer! Would you like to go swim in the loch? We could fly as well." Sirius suggested.

At the prospect of flying, Regulus' face lit up. "Yes, I'd like that!" He said, a sincere smile appearing on his face. He'd really missed flying the last days. Sirius smiled back.

The day they spent together was great. They swam in the lake for a bit, then got out and let themselves dry in the sun while lying on their backs in the soft grass, looking up into the cloudless, summerblue sky. It was like reliving childhood memories they'd never had.

Finally, Sirius went inside and retrieved the brooms he had hidden under his bed. Regulus was so excited he almost couldn't stand still.

"Wait a second, okay? There are some things we need to discuss first." Sirius said as Reg got ready to get on his broom and start flying. Regulus looked at his brother with a puzzled expression, then shrugged his shoulders and waited for his brother to speak. What was there to discuss?

"Come, sit down," Sirius said, sitting down on the soft grass in front of the cottage, motioning for Regulus to do so as well.

Regulus sat down and looked at Sirius expectantly.

"There are certain rules concerning flying that I want to talk to you about," Sirius said, grimacing slightly as he said the world _rules_. He himself was known as a notorious rule-breaker, and somehow establishing rules now for flying made him feel like a total hypocrite.

"To begin with, you have to know that there are wards installed around the cottage. They reach a hundred yards radius around the cottage and fifty yards into the air. It's like a dome you need to stay inside of because otherwise the muggles might see you."

Regulus nodded. He could live with that.

"Secondly, I want you to ask permission before you fly. And the broom stays with me, not in your room. Do you understand?" Sirius asked in a serious voice.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Why do I have to ask permission?"

"Because I say so. No permission, no flying. You can decide right now whether you're okay with the rules, otherwise, there won't be any flying today." Sirius answered firmly.

"Err… alright. Whatever. I'll ask permission. Anything else?" Regulus' voice sounded slightly brazenly, but he stopped himself from being outright defiant. It was bothering him that Sirius suddenly was such a rule stickler but he didn't want to start a fight right now and risk the possibility of being allowed to fly.

Sirius looked at him for a moment, considering, then shook his head. "No, I guess, that's all." They stood up and got on their brooms, pushing themselves from the ground and soaring up in the air.

Flying was awesome. Regulus felt so free, so happy suddenly. And flying with Sirius was more fun than he had expected. They threw a quaffle around a few times, then they started to fly a race, and they were almost on a level, with Sirius being slightly faster. The cool stunts on the other hand were Regulus' area of expertise, and he proudly showed them off to Sirius, basking in his big brother's praise. It was strange how warm it made his heart feel when Sirius applauded to a particularly difficult move, how much he craved his brother's approval.

Maybe they could start being brothers again. And then he could save Sirius, from the traitors' grip.

Merlin, he craved it so much. His brother, having a real family. A home.

* * *

During the next two days, they spent a lot of their time outside, as if to make up for the time they had spent inside last week. It was like the beautiful weather lifted their moods and freed their spirits, and they didn't even fight once during those days. In the evenings, they played chess or exploding snap, or they just sat together in the living room, reading, talking, enjoying each other's company and their newfound brotherly relationship. Sirius started to trust Regulus more, even let him fly alone at times and lifted the spells that prevented Reg leaving the house without Sirius accompanying him from the windows and doors. It was okay for Reg to open his own window, Sirius trusted him not to try and send a letter to Bellatrix again.

On the evening of the third day, they sat together in the living room in front of the bickering fireplace, reading, and it was already getting dark, as Regulus spontaneously felt like flying again.

"Sirius, I'm going to fly a bit, okay?" He said, already getting up and turning in the direction of Sirius' bedroom.

"No, not now. It's almost dark outside. Wait until tomorrow," Sirius responded, not even looking up from his book.

Regulus stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around and furrowed his brows.

"What? Why not?" He said, surprised by his brother saying no to flying. Sirius had always permitted it immediately until now, and Regulus had thought the point was more in him asking respectfully than Sirius actually allowing it.

"It's getting dark, Reg. I don't want you flying in the dark," Sirius explained.

"Yeah, but why?" Regulus' voice adopted a whiny tone.

"Because I say so. You're fourteen, and it's late. You should go to bed, not fly around at night," Sirius said, now slightly annoyed by his brother arguing with him.

"I don't want to go to bed! Why are you like this now?" Regulus complained.

Sirius exhaled audibly. "Why are _you_ like this? Do you want to annoy me? I'm reading, and you're bothering me. Go to bed or don't, just – shut up."

Sirius just wanted to concentrate, for Merlin's sake. He was reading in his History of Magic book, he had to over the holidays to draw up the essay Professor Binns had advised them to do, and he really wanted to improve his grade the next year. So he toiled away on reading about the endless goblin wars of the last centuries, and now Regulus chose this exact moment to act up!

"Fine," Regulus grumbled, left the living room and went into his bedroom, slamming the door. He wanted to fly, and why shouldn't he? Just because Sirius suddenly thought he held some kind of authority over him, because he was a few years older?

Well, if he couldn't fly, then he'd read in his _Secrets of the Darkest Art_ book.

See if Sirius would care.

Regulus went to his trunk and retrieved the dark arts book from where he had hidden it under his schoolbooks.

He stomped back to the living room, extra loudly, making Sirius glare at him with narrowed eyes. He let himself fall into his armchair and began to read, holding the cover on purpose so that Sirius could see it from where he sat.

Oh, Sirius saw it alright. Out of the corner of his eyes, Regulus saw his brother's face blanching, and Sirius threw his own book down on the coffee table in front of them. Then Sirius got up and approached Regulus until he stood directly in front of his little brother.

" _What_ are you reading?" Sirius asked in a dangerous voice.

"Just – leave me alone or whatever. I'm trying to concentrate here," Regulus responded insolently, copying Sirius' posture of when he'd forbidden Regulus to fly.

Sirius grabbed the book from Regulus, turned it around and read the title. Then he threw it on the floor.

"Where did you get that?" He hissed, his eyes blazing.

Regulus jumped slightly at the sound of the heavy book connecting with the wooden floor, but kept silent, ignoring his brother. That's what Sirius got for treating him like a child. It would show him that Regulus wouldn't easily be subdued. Sirius would regret not letting him fly.

Sirius took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I don't want you reading books like this. It's a dark arts book, you know that. Why would you read such a thing?"

"Because." Regulus crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaning back in his armchair.

Sirius leaned down and put his hands on the elbow rests of Regulus' armchair, trapping his little brother in his armchair. He looked Regulus directly in the eye as he spoke, trying to control the anger that was boiling up inside of him.

"Reg, the dark arts are evil. The curses and spells in this book are evil – solely created to hurt people! Where did you get the book?" Sirius wanted to rip his own hair out. Didn't realize Regulus what curses like the ones described in that book did?

Regulus turned his head away, still not responding.

"I swear, Regulus, this is not the time for you to ignore me. _I asked you a question!_ " Sirius said in a hard, angry voice, straightening up again, shifting into an authoritative posture.

"And I don't care!" Regulus shouted. "You said that I couldn't fly, so I'm doing something else. Wasn't that what you wanted? Now leave me alone!"

Regulus bent down to pick the book up from the floor, but Sirius snatched it away from under his fingers and threw it right into the flames.

Regulus roared and lunged towards the fireplace, only to be grabbed by Sirius from behind him and to be pulled away from the flames that flared up and hungrily consumed his book.

"No! It was Mother's!" Regulus yelled, fighting against Sirius who held him in a tight grip. But he had no chance, Sirius was much taller and stronger than he was and countered his kicks easily, holding his little brother tightly against his chest effortlessly it seemed, brining Reg's arms to his sides.

"Calm down this instant. This book is right where it belongs, you don't read shit like this, understood?" Sirius hissed into Regulus' ear, keeping his bucking and kicking little brother firmly away from the fire until the book was reduced to an unrecognizable pile of ashes.

Only then he released Regulus.

Tears burned in Regulus' eyes as he watched his treasured possession being destroyed. He turned around and glared at his brother, baring his teeth.

"I fucking hate you, Sirius!" He shouted, his voice shaking as tears started to roll down his cheeks.

His mother's book, the book she'd given him to his thirteenth birthday.

Burned to ashes.

 _It's a family heirloom, Regulus. I got it from my mother. Now, it belongs to you._

Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but Regulus violently jostled him away and ran out of the living room. Sirius heard a door opening and being slammed a second later and he sunk down on the armchair Regulus had sat in previously, hiding his face in his hands.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Sirius, Regulus hadn't entered his own room but Sirius' and had slammed the door behind him. He went to the bed and crawled halfway under it and retrieved his broom.

Then he opened the window and flew away, not once looking back.

* * *

Sirius stayed in the living room for some time, wanting to try to collect his thoughts and give Regulus some time to calm down as well. He hadn't known that the book had been their mother's, although he probably should've known it. Walburga Black had often enough tried to feed him with that kind of literature as well, but Sirius had never even looked twice at it, much to the dismay of his parents.

Sirius knew Regulus sympathized with dark wizards, hell, he'd seen him at the weekend in Hogsmeade, wearing a Death Eater mask.

But during the last days, Regulus hadn't acted like that at all, he'd been smiling a lot, been happy, they had had a good time. Regulus had known that Sirius wouldn't allow such books in his possession, maybe that's why he had kept it hidden until now.

Had Regulus been acting up because he wasn't allowed flying at night? Sirius almost couldn't believe it. Had he been testing him? Sirius had read that once, about children testing their boundaries through disobeying and throwing tantrums. He thought Mr. Potter had mentioned it as well, at some point.

Had this been a tantrum? Sirius was totally confused. Should he punish Regulus for his behaviour? Sirius was sure that if he had behaved like that in front of Mr. Potter, more importantly bringing a dark arts book into the house, he wouldn't be sitting right now.

Maybe he should just start and prepare dinner, and then they could talk.

But talk about what? Sirius didn't comprehend how Regulus could think nothing of it while reading dark arts books. Maybe they should talk about rules. What was allowed and what wasn't. What consequences could be expected after rule-breaking.

Rules. This was awful. Why couldn't Regulus just behave? Wasn't it crystal clear that dark arts books weren't allowed? Wasn't it normal that you didn't talk to your guardian that way, even if he was 'just' your brother?

Obviously, he had expected too much from Regulus. He'd made a mistake somewhere on the way, or they wouldn't be where they were right now. Sirius got up slowly, going into the kitchen and leaning against the counter. Should he make dinner? He didn't feel like it at all.

"Blinky!" He called, and with a soft pop the little house elf appeared.

"Blinky, bring me two portions of dinner, for me and my brother."

"Yes, Master Sirius. Blinky will cook dinner immediately!" Blinky bowed deeply, causing her big, pointy ears to flap forward and then she disappeared again with another soft popping sound.

A few minutes later, dinner appeared on the table. Sirius sighed as he slowly made his way to his brother's room. He didn't exactly expect Regulus to be all apologetic now, he expected something like another tantrum or just being ignored again.

What he didn't expect was that there was no Regulus at all.

At first, Sirius almost didn't believe his eyes. "Reg?" He called loudly, turning around in the small room, searching for his brother.

No Regulus.

A wave of panic rose in Sirius. Where was he? Where was his little brother? Sirius hurried back into the corridor, opening the bathroom door – no Reg there either.

That only left his bedroom. A cold, plunging sensation entered his stomach. Sirius took a deep breath, fearing what he might discover behind this door, then he collected all his courage and opened it.

Merlin, no.

The window was wide open, the wind was blowing the curtains into the air, causing them to eerily wave and dance in the moonlight.

 _No. Please don't let this be real,_ Sirius thought as his heart leapt to his throat. He launched to the window, leaned outside. Searched the dark meadows and the air for his brother.

"Regulus!" He shouted as loud as he could, feeling his knees transform to pudding. But he got no answer. Reg was gone.

TBC…


	10. The Definition of Home

Regulus flew through the cool nightly air, on and on, until the cottage disappeared far behind him, its feint lights swallowed up by the darkness. He flew over the village nearby, saw the lights from the above but flew further and further, not even caring in which direction. He gripped the handle of his broomstick tightly, finally allowing himself to cry openly. The wind wiped his tears away. The previous events played over and over in his head and he couldn't comprehend how it had come to this. He had expected Sirius to get angry, he had wanted to make him angry. But not like this. Burning his book, yelling at him, that look of abhorrence in his eyes.

It had gotten completely out of control.

Where should he go? Regulus let his broom come to a halt in the air and circled around, scanning the area. He had no idea where he was. There was nothing but darkness surrounding him, beneath him was probably forest, but he could see the lights of a city in the far distance. Purposefully, Regulus flew into that direction. When he saw the lights of the city coming nearer, he began to think about what he should do now. Where was he supposed to go? He had no money except for a few sickles in the pocket of his jacket and he didn't even have his wand.

The city appeared below him, and he softly lowered himself to the ground in a deserted alley, careful not to draw any muggle's attention towards him. He shuddered slightly through his light jacket, he hadn't thought about taking something warmer with him and the night was colder than he had expected it to be.

Actually, he hadn't thought of anything at all when he'd swung himself out of Sirius' bedroom window and had escaped into the darkness.

Sirius. What was he doing right now? Had he noticed that Regulus had disappeared? Most likely, it was almost eleven and it had been three hours since the fight, they would've had dinner soon. Was Sirius angry? Worried? Disappointed? Or maybe he didn't care at all. Maybe he was glad that the burden Regulus had been was gone. He'd said so, this evening. _You're bothering me._ A bother. Regulus felt the tears prickle in his eyes again and angrily wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, not wanting anyone to see him cry.

Why was he crying anyway? There was no reason for him to be sad. He should be angry! Sirius had destroyed his book, had yelled at him, had held him prisoner and had tried to make a traitor out of him…

Sirius' face appeared in front of Regulus' inner eye. Sirius, smiling at him, his eyes honest and so caring… _No_. Regulus forbid his thoughts to go down that road any longer. But even though he tried to avoid thinking about Sirius, it didn't get rid of the knot in his stomach that had built at the memory of Sirius' smile.

Regulus aimlessly wandered along the alley, from streetlamp to streetlamp, seeking security from the yellowish cones of light. The houses were beaded up along the street like pearls on a string, looking exactly the same. At least this didn't seem to be a doubtful neighbourhood, but Regulus felt scared anyway, all alone in the darkness at almost midnight.

He turned at every crackle and rustle coming from the shrubs. The trees on the other side of the alley appeared menacing and ghastly in the moonlight. The sudden barking of a dog startled him and he tripped over his own feet. Landing on his knees, he caught himself with his hands at the kerb. He scrambled up again, looked at his scratched hands and knees – his right knee was bleeding a bit, and the asphalt had ripped holes into his trousers.

Regulus gripped the handle of his broomstick even firmer, prepared to jump on his broom and fly away at the slightest sign of danger. A low rumbling reached his ears, very distant still. Regulus looked around, straining his ears to hear the sound clearer, trying to judge where it came from. It seemed to grow louder, and Regulus spun around, widening his eyes, trying to recognize what it was.

Suddenly a light appeared at the end of the alleyway, gleaming incredibly brightly, causing Regulus to squint his eyes. The light came nearer at a rapid pace, dazzling, blinding Regulus. He shielded his eyes with his hand, squinting through his spread fingers, blinking a few times.

Now he could see a huge, dark outline behind the light, and in the split of a second, a gigantic pair of wheels and headlights screeched to a halt a few inches away from where Regulus was standing. Regulus had no time to flinch at all, the turbulence blowing strands of his black hair in his face, causing him to shut his eyes tightly, inwardly preparing for the collision that didn't come.

As Regulus opened his eyes again he beheld a purple, triple-decker bus with gold lettering over the windshield that spelled _The Knight Bus_.

A thin, middle-aged man, presumably the conductor, stepped out of the bus, dressed in the same violent purple that was the vehicle's colour.

"Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick your wand hand, step on board and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Errol Shunpike, and I will be your conductor this evening," Errol drawled as if he'd said the same words a million times already, and he stepped aside and motioned for Regulus to get into the giant bus.

"Uh, how much would it be to get to London, 12 Grimmauld Place?"

"Eleven sickles," Errol responded, showing his yellow teeth as he spoke. "And for thirteen sickles you get hot chocolate, and for fifteen …"

Regulus didn't listen any further as he rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a few sickles, counting them. He had exactly eleven sickles and put all of them into Errol's extended hand.

"Don't you have any luggage? 'Cept for the broom?" Errol asked, scrutinizing Regulus from head to toe.

"No," Regulus said curtly, stepping onto the bus. The driver, an old man with glasses so big he had to tilt his head forward to keep them on his nose, greeted him with a lazy "Lo."

"You can choose a bed until we're there. How's your name?" Errol said from behind him, stepping on the bus and shutting the entrance.

"Regulus Black," Regulus responded absentmindedly, his eyes focused on the feathery bunk beds that were lined up behind each other. He fell forward as the bus suddenly shot out again and started speeding through the small city, joggling Regulus and the other passengers from side to side as the bus leapt around sharp corners. It was a wonder it didn't hit anything.

Regulus found himself launching at the nearest bed, holding on as tightly as he could.

He gripped his broomstick with his right hand, with the other he stabilized himself on a bedpost, gritting his teeth as the scratches on his palm came in contact with them. He wondered how the hell the other passengers managed to sleep because he barely managed to stay halfway on the bed.

Thanks to the suicidal speed, they arrived inLondon an hour later, after speeding through the entire country and picking up other passengers on their way.

Regulus gave a sigh of relief as he climbed out of the bus and his feet touched solid ground again.

When he looked up, he realized that he stood right in front of 12 Grimmauld Place.

The bus took off and Regulus approached the house, but he stopped aprubtly when he realized something: He needed a wand to get in. His parents had long ago installed wards to protect themselves from muggles (vermin polluting the streets) and other unwanted visitors such as their Uncle Alphard after they'd fallen out with him.

Crap.

He realized that he was stranded again, even farther afield, and that he stood in the middle of the nightly street, in front of a house he couldn't enter, having nowhere else to go. He had no money left, not wizarding nor muggle money.

Regulus sunk down on the pavement. He leant against a dimly lit lantern, drawing his knees to his chest.

What was he supposed to do? Where was he supposed to go?

He belonged nowhere.

Tears rose in his eyes again, and he hugged himself tightly to protect himself from the cold of the night that crept through his thin jacket and caused him to quiver incessantly.

It was so cruel that he was so close to his home, and couldn't enter it all the same.

For a few dark, lonely minutes, he simply sat there in silence, on the cold ground in front of his parents' house, desperately wishing he could turn back time and just shut up when Sirius had told him that he wasn't allowed to fly.

If he'd just left it alone, if he'd just gone to bed. Then he'd be in his room right now with walls around him protecting him, in his warm, soft bed. Safe. Home.

He stared at his childhood home. Was this home? It didn't feel like it any longer. He could see the house shimmering through the magical wards that were protecting it from being seen by muggle's eyes, but it was dark and deserted, the windows like dead eyes, and suddenly he couldn't remember how he had ever felt at home here. It was only a dark shadow of what it had once been; an empty shell that had lost its spirit.

The sight of the building spread a dark, grim feeling in Regulus' stomach, and suddenly he felt himself tensing up.

This house beheld not a tinge of home compared to the cottage. Even though it had been his only home besides Hogwarts for fourteen years.

And he'd known the cottage only for a little more than a week.

Memories appeared in front of his inner eye. He remembered his parents walking through the hallways, up and down the stairs, sitting in the parlour, or at the dinner table. It all would be so very empty now. They were gone.

Another memory. His mother mumbling dark curses, Bellatrix visiting, his brother still a child, a first year who'd just returned home from Hogwarts.

He'd secretly watched from the stair's railing how they had shoved him around, Sirius cowering on the floor, Bellatrix kicking him, laughing hysterically. _"You're not so brave now, little Gryffindor? A little cry baby? Come, let your dear cousin give you a huggie."_ Then she'd put Sirius under a curse that caused him great pain, hugging him at the same time, laughing cruelly as twelve-year-old Sirius cried and begged her to stop. Their mother had stood in the doorpost, watching Sirius cry with undisguised disgust in her hard, black eyes.

It had been one of the few time that they'd actually managed to get Sirius to cry in front of them.

Merlin, Sirius. How could his brother even look at him? Regulus had always sided with their parents, had not been any better than them. He hadn't said a word, hadn't helped his brother. In the end, he'd called him traitor, just as they had.

How could Sirius even want to touch him, how could he stand to be in the same room as him.

The lamppost above his head flickered eerily on the pavement and Regulus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

From far away he could hear the sounds of booted feet on asphalt, several pairs at least, then he recognized a group of dark figures moving slowly into his direction, alcohol echoing in their slurred voices.

He didn't feel safe here. Quickly, Regulus pushed himself up from the ground, grabbed his broom and walked in the other direction, away from those drunken voices, away from 12 Grimmauld Place, and lost himself in the city again.

Regulus continued to wander through the nightly streets, without purpose, he just kept moving for, how he felt, hours and hours until his feet hurt and his legs had gone tired.

A movement out of the corner of his eyes startled him, but then he sighed, relieved. It was just a small dog on a leash, its little paws making soft tapping noises as he approached him. A petite, middle-aged woman followed not far behind the dog. She eyed him curiously through her oversized, old-fashioned spectacles.

Regulus kept his head down as he walked on, pretending not to have noticed her.

He heard her stop in her tracks and saw out of the corner of his eyes that she had turned around and looked after him.

He was already a few steps past her and about to speed up his pace when she decided to address him.

"Boy, are you alright?" Her voice was warm and caring.

Actually, Regulus hadn't wanted to talk to anyone, even less a muggle, but he'd been walking around without knowing where he was for an hour at least, probably longer, and he felt like crying. And as he looked at her, she suddenly reminded him of Mrs Pottee. Somehow, he couldn't pretend he was alright.

"I don't know where I am," He admitted, his voice barely a whisper. He bit his lip immediately after to stop it from trembling.

"Oh darling, it's alright," she said, her face softening, and she placed a hand on his shoulder, patting it gently.

"Where do your parents live?"

At that, Regulus felt those telltale tears rise in his eyes once more. He had no parents. They lived nowhere, they were dead. And he didn't even want his parents, he wanted Sirius. His big brother. But he didn't think Sirius would want him back, not after everything he'd done. So Regulus just stood there, the tears running down his face, shrugging his shoulders. "They are dead," he said eventually.

The woman's expression softened even more. She hesitated only a moment, then gently touched his arm. "Come on, darling, I live just around the corner. You can warm yourself up a bit and then we'll figure things out together, alright? Everything will be fine, you'll see." Her voice was so soft. So motherly.

Regulus followed the woman's lead, not knowing what else to do. She led him a short while until they reached a small house, jammed between two larger ones. The woman fumbled with her keys, then opened the door and held it open for Regulus and the dog. A wave of warmth hit him. She switched the lights on, and the hallway appeared in front of him, looking just as cosy as the house had appeared from the outside. The furniture was dated and ordinary, maybe from the fifties, and the tapestry showed all kinds of flowers and little birds. The woman led him into a small kitchen cramped with all sorts of odd utensils. It even smaller than the one they had in the cottage. She motioned for him to sit down at the table.

"My dear, you must be frozen all over! Do you want something to drink? Maybe a hot chocolate?" She smiled warmly at him, crinkles garlanding her eyes. Regulus just nodded, snuffling.

He watched her make them two hot cups of dark, hot chocolate, the sweet smell engulfing the small kitchen by the time she set the cups down on the table and seated herself next to Regulus.

As Regulus wrapped his hands around the cup, he had to resist the urge to press his cheek against its warmth.

"Drink." She advised him. "This must be the best part about the cold, that it makes hot chocolate even better."

Regulus obeyed, and soon the hot liquid filled his stomach, warming him up from the inside.

"You really are lucky that Quillan here chose exactly this time to tell me that he really had to go. Otherwise, I don't walk my dog at night, in case you wonder." She laughed lightly.

"So, do you want to tell me how you come to be outside so late, carrying… a broomstick with you?"

Regulus bit his lip and looked down at his hands. How should he explain any of this to a muggle?

"Darling, it's okay, I won't judge you. I know you probably ran away from home, you look like a runaway, and I just want to help. We all do stupid things from time to time, I've been there too."

Regulus took a shuddering breath. "I ran away from my brother. We fought and I just left… and now I don't know where to go."

"Well, then it's a good thing that I know where you should go," she said. Regulus looked at her quizzically.

Her smile widened. "Home to your brother of course. I'm sure he's already very worried. Where does your brother live, dear?"

Regulus gulped. "I don't know… we've been at a holiday cottage, somewhere in Scotland, next to a lake, but I don't know where exactly… and it doesn't matter anyway, he won't want me back." Regulus' breath hitched slightly, and it took his full concentration to keep from crying again. "He says I'm a bother."

"I doubt that he really thinks that, I'm sure your brother loves you very much and the thing he wants the most right now is to know that you are safe and sound," she said firmly. As she saw Regulus fighting with his tears again, she leaned forward and patted his shoulder. However, the result was that Regulus' dam broke and tears rolled down his cheeks. She got up and put her arms around him, rubbing his back.

"Hush, calm down, darling. We will work this out, it'll all be fine, I'm sure." Regulus nodded into her shoulder, embarrassed of himself, but at the same time, he melted into her hug.

After a few seconds, Regulus had calmed down so far that she felt she could release him, but her right hand kept rubbing his back.

"Why don't you start with telling me your and your brother's names?" She suggested.

"I'm Regulus, and my brother is Sirius Black," Regulus said.

"Okay, Regulus. Where do you think would your brother look for you first?"

"Maybe … at our parents' house here in London. But it's… sold," Regulus mumbled, lying about the last part. A muggle wouldn't understand that magical wards that were an insurmountable obstacle without a wand. At least to a fifth-year.

"That's good. See, now we already have something to work with. Now, do you have any other relatives? Someone who could call your brother?"

"I have a cousin… and my brother's best friend's family, but I don't know where they live either. I don't know the addresses,'" he said in a small voice.

"Maybe a phone number?"

He looked at her in confusion.

She had a thoughtful expression for a moment, inspecting him from head to feet. Her eyes wandered back to his broom. "Do you use that brook to play... what is it called? Quiddish?"

Regulus frowned. "Quidditch?" he said before he could stop himself.

She laughed. "That's it!" She seemed relieved all of a sudden. "I don't want to pretend to know much about your world, young man. Please correct me if I'm wrong, you are a wizard, am I right?"

Regulus stared at her wide-eyed. "How do you know that?" He stuttered. She was a muggle! How was it possible that she knew about magic?

"Darling, it is pretty obvious. Not to everyone of course, but my daughter is a witch too. When she was still your age, she attended a wizarding school."

She pointed to a silvery framed photograph on the wall that showed a pretty brunette girl smiling happily, her features holding a significant resemblance to her mother's.

"Now, she is in her mid-twenties and married to a wizard she met there. So, even though I myself aren't a witch, I know quite a bit from what she told me. And usually, only wizards or witches carry a _broomstick_ around." She chuckled lightly.

Regulus was still dumbfounded.

"Do you have some other way to contact your brother? I think we could send him an owl, couldn't we?"

Regulus gaped at her. He nodded silently.

"Well, then let's do that. I'll call my daughter and she'll send her owl to your brother to tell him where he can find you," she decided, getting up.

Suddenly, worry overcame Regulus like a punch in the gut. Sirius would be so angry at him for running away. He'd be absolutely furious.

She went over to a small table with a muggle object on it. Regulus could recall Sirius mentioning that it was some sort of muggle communication device, but he didn't remember its name. She took the earpiece into her left hand, holding it against her shoulder as she rotated a numeric wheel a few times in short succession. Then she waited a few seconds and started talking with the object. Regulus watched, fascinated.

"Andrea? It's Mum. I'm sorry, darling, that I call you in the middle of the night but I've got a bit of an emergency here. – Oh, no, nothing happened, we're alright. – Yes, of course, Dad is fine as well, he's sleeping like a log. Andrea, I've got a boy here, a wizard, who needs to contact his brother. – Yes, exactly. Could you owl him my address? The boy's name is Regulus and he is here with me. – The name?"

She turned to Regulus.

"It was Sirius, Sirius Black, like the colour, right?"

Regulus nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

She smiled at him and turned back to talk to the strange object. "Yes, Sirius Black, Andrea. – All right, I'll tell him that. Thank you, sweetie. And I'm sorry for waking you. – You sleep well too! Love you." She put the object back on the desk and turned her attention back to Regulus.

"Andrea will send a letter to your brother right away. She said it might take a few hours, depending on how far the owl will have to travel, and how soon your brother can be here. Why don't you lie down on the couch for a bit, you don't look like you've gotten much sleep yet." She said, eyeing the dark bags under his eyes.

"Yes, ma'am," Regulus said shyly. "Thank you very much, ma'am," he added, trying for a small smile.

"You're very welcome, it goes without saying. I am Mathilda by the way, just so you know, you don't have to call me _ma'am_ all the time." Regulus followed her as she went into the living room and arranged the pillows on an old looking sleeping couch. Then she opened a drawer and pulled out a soft blanket.

"Make yourself comfortable and lie down for a bit. When you wake up, your brother will be here to take you home, I'm sure," Mathilda said, smiling encouragingly at Regulus.

Regulus' expression changed to one of great apprehension and worry.

"Don't worry. I know he'll be very happy to get you back. Now, try to sleep." She waited until Regulus was under the blanket, then she switched the lights off, leaving the door slightly ajar and the light on in the corridor.

Regulus blinked into the darkness, curling himself into a ball. He still felt that knot in his stomach when he thought about Sirius, it made him feel uncomfortable and unsettled for it was pulling and tugging in funny ways, a constant, never ending reminder of what had happened. The knot tightened even more as he thought about what he had said to his brother the previous evening. _I hate you._

What if Sirius got the owl, but decided he had enough of him? What if Sirius didn't come to get him? Where should he go? He had nobody left.

A few tears slipped out of his eyes, and he fell into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

Regulus woke by the sound of someone knocking on the front door. He heard Mathilda open it, and then there was his brother's voice.

Regulus sat up, his stomach doing flip flops and he felt like he was going to be sick. He anxiously stared through the darkness into the direction of the corridor, his eyes wide open. Regulus swallowed hard as he heard footsteps approaching, he shifted on the couch, feeling the irresistible urge to hide, but before he could do anything, the living room door opened and the tall frame of Sirius appeared in the doorframe. Mathilda followed directly behind him, switching the light on.

Regulus stared at his brother, who stood a few feet away and suddenly seemed so tall and intimidating to Regulus, who sat stone-still on the couch, the blanket still huddled around him. Sirius' expression was unreadable, his face pale and he had dark shadows under his eyes, looking like he hadn't slept for a week.

Sirius stared at back, rooted to the stop, then moved forward and approached Regulus in a quick few strides, grabbed him non-too-gently on his upper arms and lifted him up like he weighed nothing, lips pressed to a pencil-thin line. Regulus inwardly braced himself for whatever might come.

He wasn't prepared to find that he was pulled forwards and against Sirius' chest. Strong arms wrapped themselves around him.

Regulus gasped for air as he was almost crushed by the force of the hug. He felt Sirius tremble.

"Thank Merlin, Reg…" Sirius whispered, his voice thick of emotion.

Regulus hid his face in Sirius' shoulder, sneaking his arms around his brother's waist.

They stayed like that for some time, until Sirius put his hands on the sides of Regulus' face and tilted his little brother's head up to look at him.

"Are you alright?" He asked softly.

"Yes," Regulus responded in a thin voice.

Sirius exhaled deeply. "Damn it, Reg..." he pulled Regulus back into his arms, cupping the back of his head, caressing his hair. After a few moments he shifted, keeping Reg in a hug but turned around to look at Mathilda who still stood in the doorpost.

"Thank you so much. I can't even express how thankful I am," Sirius said to her, his arms still around his little brother.

"No need to thank me. It was my pleasure, he is a very sweet boy," she responded, her eyes twinkling. Then she stopped smiling. "I found him wandering the streets, totally lost and very upset."

Sirius swallowed and nodded. His arms tightened around Regulus.

They left shortly after, Sirius not letting go of Regulus as he apparated them back to the cottage, still keeping his arm around his brother's shoulders as they made their way back to the cottage, walking in silvence over the soft, nightly meadows. On the horizon, they could already see the sky brightening in rosy colours, announcing the new morning. It wouldn't be long until sunrise.

The cottage was warm and spread the feeling of home as they entered it. As they stepped over the threshold, Regulus felt like a huge weight had been lifted from him. Home. He still had a _home_.

Sirius had wanted him back. He didn't have to stay away, Sirius had taken him home.

"We'll talk after we've had a good night's rest, alright?" Sirius led his brother to the bedrooms, hesitating before opening his brother's bedroom door. His right hand still lingered on Regulus' shoulder, and as Regulus looked up into Sirius' face he saw tears swimming in Sirius' eyes.

"Please don't leave again. Not tonight, okay?" Sirius whispered, swallowing hard.

Regulus looked away, his own eyes burning with tears as well. "I promise." He snuffled.

Sirius grimaced, then nodded. He let go of his little brother and looked at him silently. Just then, he noticed the scratches on Regulus' hands and the wound on his knee. It had stopped bleeding and the blood had dried, making it look worse than it was, but Sirius felt angry looking at it all the same.

This shouldn't have happened. None of this should have happened.

"Did you fall down?" He asked quietly. It was a stupid question, but Regulus didn't point it out.

Instead, he nodded, lowering his gaze and looking at his hands. Sirius took out his wand and waved it over the injuries, murmuring under his breath. A few seconds later, the wounds had closed and the blood disappeared.

"Any other injuries?"

"No," Regulus responded, still not looking at his brother.

"Then let's get ready for bed," Sirius said in a tight voice.

Regulus bowed his head and obeyed. Sirius went into his own room and changed into his pyjamas before returning to Regulus' room to make sure that his little brother really went to bed. He waited until Regulus was under the covers before he approached the bed and pulled the covers tightly around his little brother. Sirius caressed the side of Reg's face for a moment, then he forced himself to get up again. He turned in order to leave the room.

"Sirius?" A small voice said from behind him.

Sirius turned again and looked at his brother. Regulus lay on his back, only his head stuck out from under the covers. He looked so young. So much like the child he'd once left. "Sirius, I'm sorry!" Regulus sobbed suddenly, his eyes full of tears threatening to fall.

Sirius went back to the bed and sat down next to Regulus, his eyes soft as he regarded his brother. "Shh. Try to sleep for a bit. We'll talk about this later."

But Regulus sat up again, throwing himself into Sirius' arms. He whispered apologies over and over, and Sirius patted his head, finally deciding to lie down next to Regulus, keeping his brother in his arms as he pulled the covers over both of them.

"Hush. It's alright. Everything will be fine." He whispered, allowing his brother to soak his shirt with hot tears of sorrow. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly against his chest, fighting the fear that had its ice-cold fingers wrapped around his heart. So he held him, held onto him, his little brother. Fighting the fear that Regulus would go away again, that if he left the room and returned later or simply let go of him for a moment he would find his brother gone again. He couldn't… he wouldn't let it happen, Sirius promised that to himself. He would make sure of it.

tbc…


	11. A Shift

**Warning: This chapter contains disciplinary spanking.**

When they woke up, the sun had already passed its highest point. Sirius ordered lunch from Blinky. Since he'd got up, Regulus was very silent. He sensed that the last night's events wouldn't be overlooked. But each time Regulus attempted to apologize, Sirius brushed him off, saying that they would talk about it later. During lunch, the boy cast his brother weary glances, tried to judge Sirius' mood. Sirius wasn't angry, or visibly disappointed, he didn't ignore him either, but something was off. Sirius barely talked, and when he did so, he considered his words wisely. It seemed like his mind was far away - it certainly wasn't in the present, or in the cottage. Sirius took very long to scratch the last remains of his food from his plate, took forever to chew them, and Regulus just sat there, in silence, listened to the scratching sounds of fork and knife on porcelain, anticipating the talk they would have. On one hand, he was very nervous, but on the other hand, the wait was killing him.

Finally, Sirius put his fork down. The plates disappeared with a soft pop. Then they sat at the table, facing each other silently. Now, it was later.

Regulus looked at his hands. As he jiggled with his feet, while resting the balls of his feet on the floor and bouncing his right heel up and down in the air, he caused a faint bumping sound with his chair on the wooden floor.

Sirius cleared his throat.

"We need to talk about last night."

Regulus lifted his eyes at that. Sirius' face held a sad expression, his grey eyes stern and yet soft, it was a strange mix.

Sirius folded his hands above the table. He took a deep breath. "I am so very sorry Reg. I feel as if this is partly my fault. I made the mistake that I didn't talk with you about basic rules and consequences. I haven't made things clear between us. But I intend to rectify that now."

Sirius regarded Regulus' anxious expression, how he bit his lip and nervously juggled with his feet, how he looked at Sirius with his big, grey eyes. He looked so young.

Hell, he was young. Reg was still only fourteen. And even though Sirius was just a few years older, he'd had a childhood, and a caring family, and security. This had allowed him to grow up. And he wasn't just Reg's brother any longer. They both had to adjust to that; they both had to realize that. He couldn't be only a big brother, even though he wanted to. And Reg needed to understand this. He needed to respect him, trust Sirius to know what was best for him.

"It has to do with who we were and who we are. Even though you know I am your guardian, I think you mostly see me as your brother. Which is fine, I am your brother and I will always be, but on some occasions, you need to remember that I am more than just your brother. I am your guardian. Do you understand that?" Sirius said, keeping his deep voice as calm sounding as possible.

Regulus nodded.

"I need a verbal answer, Regulus."

"Yes, Sirius," Regulus answered in a low voice.

Sirius gave him a small nod but kept his facial expression serious.

"I wish I could just be your brother. But it's not possible, and I know that now. I need to set boundaries and set the tone in this family."

Merlin, this sounded so stupid. He cast a shy smile at Regulus.

"I'm new at this as well. I don't want this family to be like it was when we were still living with Father and Mother. I… I want trust between us. I want you to know that we will always remain a family, and I will always be there for you, whatever happens. Do you remember how it was when we were still children? How it was between us?" Sirius asked hesitantly. Their parents had never disciplined Regulus, and Sirius couldn't remember even one time Regulus had openly disobeyed them. He had been much too afraid to do so. And it wasn't like they'd really cared much about what you did, as long as you didn't dishonour the family name.

And them disciplining Sirius… That wasn't discipline. Beatings, being hexed, insulted, kicked, locked in his room without food for days until Sirius was crying and begging his parents for forgiveness… But still, Regulus had always been there for him, had sneaked him something to eat, had sat in front of his door when Sirius was locked away and had drawn his big brother pictures, had written him letters, and slipped them under the gap of the door. He'd found a way to spend time with each him regardless. Regulus hadn't left him alone. At least not until Sirius had distanced himself from their parents after going to Hogwarts, and had distanced himself from Regulus as well.

Regulus nodded. His eyes brightened.

"I want that again. I need you as well, Reg. You're my brother. I want that trust that was between us, once. The way… the way we've always been there for each other." Sirius whispered. Then he cleared his throat, blinked a few times. The trust I destroyed. "I want that, so much. But our relationship has to grow as well, out of the circumstances' necessity. Because as your guardian, I am responsible for you. Like a parent. And I feel responsible for you, Reg, very much."

A parent. An odd word for something that should be natural.

"Before, we haven't been in this kind of situation. Well, of course, I was your big brother, and you were the little brother, but this is more. This time, we're not… " Sirius desperately searched for a good way to word this, "in the same position any longer. Then, we were both the children, but now, I am not any longer. I can only imagine how difficult it might be for you to have your older brother ordering you around. It is difficult for me too, to remember that I am not only your brother. But right now, I need to do that. And I must make this clear between us. This is how it will go in the future."

Sirius leaned forward, rested his elbows on the table. He looked straight into Regulus' grey eyes. "At first, we will go over rules and consequences. Then we will discuss the events of last night."

He searched for words again. This was the difficult part.

"Yesterday… I … I guess, I messed up somehow. I thought the rules were clear, like, with the book – I thought it was clear that dark arts books are not allowed. Same when it comes to running away. But I didn't specifically spell it out to you, and maybe that was a mistake. Because you're used to different… rules and methods, from Father and Mother. But around here, with me, things will be a bit different.

You know that I spent the last years with the Potters, and they - they have shown me how a real family works. And I want that for us, so much. I want you to feel safe with me, I want you to trust me, feel protected."

And then there was a promise to keep. "And I will protect you. I'll do anything, really, Reg. Okay? Don't ever be afraid. I promise I will never leave you alone again." Sirius held his brother's gaze, laying all his heart open for Regulus to see and Regulus looked deep into his soul, his eyes wide, a glimmer of hope visible, shining, grey brightening as he heard Sirius' words, as he looked into his brother's eyes and saw - thruth.

"O…Okay," Regulus replied softly.

"In order for this to work, I have to establish a few rules that are fundamental. They are different from what you are used to, but with the Potters, James and I had those rules as well. I mistakenly thought they went without saying, but obviously, they don't, so… I'll define them now, for you.

Firstly, you are not allowed to put yourself in danger. This is the most important rule, above everything else. No endangering your life or health. To that also belongs that anything that has to do with the dark arts, except for Defense purposes, of course, is strictly forbidden. That includes books, dark objects, associating with people you know I don't want you to associate with. Death Eaters, supporters of You-Know-Who. I want you nothing to do with it. Do you understand?" Sirius asked, very seriously. He needed to be very clear here.

Regulus nodded. He felt queasy. He had already broken every single one of those rules.

"To those rules also belongs no lying to me. Do not, ever, lie to me. Even if you are in trouble, lying will only ever make things worse. Trust is the basis of our relationship, Reg. I don't lie to you. You don't lie to me. I will keep you safe, but you need to trust me and always be honest with me so I can do that. We need to work together here, hand in hand. No lying." Sirius leaned forward and watched Regulus' expression.

Regulus nodded slowly. "Okay," He said in a small voice.

Sirius gave him a hesitant smile, desperate to loosen up the tension. Regulus was biting his lip again, his teeth forming little marks on his bottom lip and he was still jiggling his feet slightly, but after seeing Sirius' smile, the corners of Regulus' mouth bent upwards ever-so-slightly.

"Other rules are being respectful and polite and if I specifically tell you to do or not to do something, then I expect you to obey me. Clear?"

"Clear," Regulus responded, nodding, firmer this time.

Sirius paused for a second, gave his words time to sink in. It was a big change, he knew that.

"How do you feel about those rules so far?" He asked.

Regulus' eyebrows twitched for a second in confusion. He hadn't expected Sirius to ask for his opinion. "Err… they are okay, I guess. Reasonable."

Sirius' smile widened.

No one said something for a few seconds.

Unease overcame Regulus.

"What… what will happen if I… break a rule?" Regulus stammered, the previous night on his mind. Sirius had said there would be consequences too.

Sirius sucked at the inside of his bottom lip. He studied his hands. "I… the… consequences really differ, in how serious your misbehaviour was. For disrespect or simple disobedience, I'll probably scold you, or send you to your room, or something like that… doesn't mean you aren't allowed to disagree with me on some topics, or fight with me – like brothers, you know. I wouldn't punish you for that. I won't stand for temper tantrums or deliberately provoking me, though." Sirius said with a stern look, hinting clearly at the incident when he'd smacked Regulus for saying 'mudblood' over and over again, just to provoke him.

Regulus understood, and blushed immediately.

"Breaking other rules, like endangering yourself, on the other hand, will get severe consequences."

Regulus waited a moment, and after Sirius didn't seem to continue talking, he dug deeper. "What… is the most severe consequence?" He asked, anxious now. Sirius had already promised him he wouldn't act like their father, but Regulus needed to know what would happen in the worst case, so he could prepare himself mentally.

"The worst consequence is… a spanking." Sirius didn't look at Regulus. He was extremely uncomfortable now, and added quickly "But only if you really deserve it. Just for the worst misbehaviour, I swear." Sirius felt awful for saying this. He hoped he would never have to spank his brother again after today, but he also knew that, in their position, he needed the possibility of a punishment that would guarantee for him to get through to his brother quickly and one that Regulus would absolutely dread without being really hurt by it (except for his pride).

There were things that couldn't be solved with grounding or chores, like doing dark magic or associating with death eaters. Or running away.

Regulus gaped at him. "But I'm not a child, Sirius!"

"I know that, but you are also only fourteen. You're not an adult either. And as long as you are acting like a child, you will be treated as one. Mr. Potter said that always to James and me and it is true. And it's okay. A spanking doesn't harm you. It is discipline, and sometimes discipline is necessary to keep you safe. This is not up to discussion, Regulus." Sirius felt sick to his stomach. He knew this was the right thing, but he dearly didn't want to spank his brother, even though he knew it was important to install rules and follow through with consequences should those rules be broken. Merlin, he felt like the worst hypocrite ever. He was known as a notorious rule-breaker, not his brother.

But this wasn't about bagatelles either, and if he was honest, he was mischievous, but he barely had done dangerous stuff – that could endanger others, at least. And Sirius had never associated with Death Eaters or wanted to become one.

Regulus opened his mouth and closed it again. He shifted in his chair, fighting with a rising urge to argue. No, he couldn't be defiant. "But it is embarrassing!" He said, keeping his voice low so it wouldn't sound too whiny.

Sirius involuntarily smiled at that. It was a child's answer. "I can live with you being a little bit embarrassed if that keeps you safe and sound." Merlin, he sounded like Mr. Potter. Was he transforming into him? He would have to check in the mirror if a Mr. Potter–like moustache was already growing on his upper lip.

"No one is being spanked at my age!" Regulus said with a pout. His cheeks reddened. If the situation hadn't been so serious, Sirius might have found Regulus' behaviour cute right now.

"I assure you that this is not the case. Mr. Potter spanked me and James at your age, and even older. And many other children are being spanked as well when they're misbehaving." Sirius had to bite back a grin. He knew he shouldn't tease his brother, especially not now, but it was a bit amusing how Regulus turned red of embarrassment from being called misbehaving.

"Are we clear, Regulus?" Sirius asked after a few seconds, his voice a bit firmer this time.

Regulus nodded reluctantly. "Yes."

"I guess that leaves us with talking about the most recent events… Can you tell me what happened yesterday? Please?" Sirius asked.

Regulus retold the events from his perspective, how he'd gotten angry, taken the broom and escaped through the window, how he got to London with the Knight Bus and how Mathilda had picked him up after he hadn't got through the wards of 12 Grimmauld place without a wand.

"I was at Grimmauld place as well at some point last night, but I didn't think about the wards requiring a wand. I searched for you everywhere I could think of, right from the time when I wanted to call you for dinner and found you gone," Sirius said quietly. He had never wanted to enter that house again, but he hadn't hesitate for a moment with the possibility of Reg being there.

It had woken bad memories, sure, but that would have been okay if he had only gotten his brother back. The portrait of his mother shouting at him, Kreacher hissing insults, it all had disappeared behind the all-overshadowing fear of losing his brother again.

"Why were you so angry at me?" Sirius asked.

Regulus looked away.

"Reg? Answer me, please."

"You wouldn't let me fly. I just wanted to fly and you… you said I was bothering you, and sent me to bed. It was unfair." Regulus sucked at the inside of his bottom lip. It sounded stupid when phrased like this, still, he felt a tinge of anger in his stomach at the memory. Not real anger, but a strong enough memory of it to cause a scowl to appear on his face.

"Why unfair?"

"Because why would it matter whether I went flying or not? I'm good at flying, I'm a seeker, I've flown in the worst conditions, rain, storms, hail, I've flown through it all and then you don't even give me a reason and send me to bed like a little child!"

"I suggested you went to bed, I didn't order you. It was late, Reg. And I don't feel comfortable with you flying in the dark. Distances look different, you might overlook some obstacles, there are differences in altitude, and trees - it all looks different at night and it was not bright outside. I don't say you're not capable of doing it, but I don't want to take the risk. Reg, you see, this is exactly the problem – I'm the parent now, and if I say it's not allowed, then you should mind me. I've got my reasons."

"So why didn't you explain it? You just said I was bothering you."

"I'm sorry I didn't explain it. I just really needed to concentrate on my essay. It's for History of Magic and I… it drives me nuts at times. But I'm sorry that I was short with you. I should have taken the time." Sirius really looked apologetic. "But would that have done the trick, Reg, really? What was it with the book?"

Regulus flinched, his eyes flickered over to the fireplace in the living room. The book, its ashes still there. For a moment, he was mentally thrown back to yesterday evening, remembered all the anger and hurt towards Sirius caused by the memory of his mother's book burning. He couldn't help but glare at his brother.

"What is with it? You burned it," Regulus hissed.

Sirius sighed. "That I did."

"That's all you've got to say? It belonged to me and you destroyed it!"

"Yes, I did destroy it. You will have nothing to do with the Dark Arts anymore, and that's final. And you knew I wouldn't allow this book in your possession, don't pretend you didn't. You hid it and you took it out just to spite me."

Regulus lowered his eyes and glared at his hands.

"Reg," Sirius said, his voice softening. He hadn't wanted to reproach his brother like this, he had wanted to understand his actions, not make him shut himself off. "I'm sorry I hurt you by burning the book and yelling at you. I lost my temper. I should've stayed calm, but Reg… the Dark Arts are not something I can take lightly. You know my opinion on that, and it is strictly forbidden like I said before, and you knew that, that's why you hid the book until then, isn't it?"

Regulus shrugged, a scowl on his face. "Mother gave it to me! I should have been allowed to keep it."

"No, Regulus. There are no exceptions to this rule. No Dark Arts objects, none at all, I don't care what Mother said, I already told you that this family will be different than the one you had with Father and Mother." Sirius struggled with calling his parents their family. In his opinion, they never had been a family. At least not to him.

"It doesn't matter what they said on the topic, it is outdated." Sirius knew that Regulus had always had a huge interest in the Dark Arts, and it would be difficult to keep him away from it. It was like an addiction – once you did it, you were very likely to do it again, the inhabitation threshold already lowered. So he needed to be as firm as possible here.

Sirius searched in his brother's eyes for comprehension, and he found some of it – but a lot of defiance as well. He knew it was a complicated topic, but it was something they could work on some other time. At first, Regulus just had to understand that it was absolutely forbidden. If he couldn't understand the gravity of his actions yet, Sirius would have to give him other consequences to keep him away from the Dark Arts.

"Do you have any other books like that in your room? Any other objects you are hiding from me?" Sirius asked, observing his brother's reaction sharply.

Reg quickly shook his head. "No, it was the only one."

Sirius was silent for a moment, considering his brother. Was Regulus telling him the truth? At his silence, Regulus looked up, eyes big and sincere.

"Really, Sirius. I swear, it was the only one – you can check my room if you want…"

Sirius thought about that for a second. He had considered checking Reg's room as well, but he had been angry then, and now, having calmed down, he knew it wouldn't be right to invade Regulus' privacy like that. He shouldn't start to treat his brother like an offender as he wanted to trust Regulus. His little brother hadn't lied to him yet and it would be unjust treat him like he had.

"No, that's not necessary. I trust that you tell me the truth."

Regulus looked at his brother in surprise. Sirius trusted him? Even after everything he'd done? That caused any remaining anger to puff out, leaving him guilty about how he had treated his brother.

"After that, why did you run away, Reg?" Sirius asked, not breaking the eye contact, looking at his brother with a steady gaze.

Regulus suddenly felt like crying again. Everything was so messed up.

He had to force himself to answer. "I… I... I don't know! I just – I didn't think about it, I was so angry and I just needed… I wanted to go home. … And I wanted to …" Regulus took a deep breath. "I was angry and I wanted to hurt you." His voice was a whisper and he lowered his head. "I'm sorry…"

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I made you feel like this, that I didn't … I shouldn't…" Sirius fought with the words that lingered on the tip of his tongue. Words that beheld guilt, disappointment at himself, anger, and at the foremost: fear. So much fear.

"You can't imagine my relief when I got the letter about where to find you." Sirius stared at his hands. He took a deep, shaky breath. "I was so scared for you. Anything could've happened to you, and it would have been my fault because I didn't make the rules clear, because I didn't keep you from running away. Because I made too many mistakes on the way, and it would've gotten you hurt. But I won't let it happen again," he said, the last part with determination in his eyes.

Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It was better to say it directly and without further stalling. It wasn't like he wanted to spank his brother, he dreaded it, actually. But he knew that this was the strongest way to paint the picture clearly for Regulus. There might be other ways, but this time, he wouldn't take any chances, he wouldn't play around and hope that it worked. He needed to make a point here, and he needed to be sure that he got it across.

"I think you know already that for what happened yesterday, you will get a spanking. I'm sorry Reg, but things need to change around here. I can't have you put your life in danger by running away. This is serious."

Regulus flinched at that and lowered his head, hiding his eyes from Sirius' view behind the long, dark fringe that fell into his face. On one hand, he wanted to argue – he was too old to be spanked, and he didn't want Sirius to. They were brothers.

But then again, he had expected way worse, even though Sirius had said he wouldn't beat him, he hadn't been able to be entirely sure of that, had worried that he may have had overstepped an invisible line.

Sirius looked up and straight into Regulus' eyes. "Please go to your room. I will be in shortly." He said in a tight voice.

Regulus nodded silently and pushed his chair back, stood up and walked in the direction of his room like in a trance. His thoughts were far away. He had caused his brother so much worry and fear. He hadn't known that Sirius blamed himself for him running away.

"And Reg?" Sirius voice, anxious suddenly.

Regulus turned, looked back at his brother who still sat at the kitchen table, his hands folded as if in prayer.

"Be there."

Regulus nodded. He wouldn't make his brother go through something like this again. He would stand up for his mistakes and accept the consequences. He would prove Sirius that he could trust him, he wanted this family so badly… And he wanted Sirius to be able to trust him again like he had when they had been children. And if he had to take a stupid smacking, then he would. How bad could it be anyway? It was a children's punishment.

"Yes, I swear. I'll wait for you there," he said though his voice sounded raspy and low.

Sirius relaxed visibly, then nodded, looking almost... thankful.

* * *

Sirius stayed at the kitchen table for a few minutes. Now came the hardest part. Sirius hid his face in his hands, took a deep, shuddering breath. How did Mr. Potter do this? His stomach turned at the prospect of having to spank his brother.

But he knew he had to make this memorable. Something had to change now.

It was like he had to take their brotherhood and form it into something else. And this was the crucial point. Him taking responsibility, taking it from his brother's shoulders and onto his own.

He could do this. Mr. Potter had said so, he'd said he believed in him.

Merlin, he wished he could just be Regulus' brother. He wished he could just let it go, ignore what had happened, let someone else take over the responsibility of disciplining Regulus and then he could console his brother afterwards, listen to him complaining about the punishment's unfairness, and Sirius could agree, just like a big brother.

But it wasn't possible anymore.

It was astonishing how much this guardianship had already changed him in such a short amount of time. How it had made him more careful, more considerate of things. He thought more about consequences of actions than he probably ever had before. The word rule had gotten a whole new meaning.

He understood it now, from the position from a parent, a rule suddenly being something that gave the parent safety, not just control.

It wasn't all games and fun anymore.

He felt weird.

Sirius raked his fingers through his hair and got up. Slowly he walked towards his brother's bedroom. Poor Reg. He hoped Reg wasn't afraid of him. He hoped Reg wouldn't hate him after it was done. Sure, he had never hated Mr. Potter for disciplining him, but Mr. Potter had been like his dad, and he was Regulus' brother.

He knocked softly. His mouth felt dry as he pushed the door open.

Regulus sat on his bed, his back against the headboard. His arms around his knees, he had curled himself into a ball. He watched Sirius apprehensively as the older brother approached the bed.

Sirius sat down in the middle of the bed and patted the spot next to him. Regulus crawled over and sat down to Sirius' right. Sirius noticed Reg's leg jiggling nervously. I know, kid.

"Reg, don't be afraid, okay? I don't want you to ever be afraid of me." Sirius choked out after a flicker of anxiety hushed across his little brother's face. The lump in his throat made it almost impossible to speak. Now that they were here, all that was left of his courage threatened to leave Sirius.

"I'm not afraid," Reg said but he relaxed quite a bit at hearing Sirius say that.

Sirius swallowed. But I am afraid. Maybe he should just let it go? Continue like it didn't happen. Like Regulus hadn't put his life in danger by running away.

I can't. I already promised consequences. And I promised it to myself, yesterday. That I won't let it happen again, that I'd do everything in my power to keep Reg safe.

Sirius' thoughts wandered to the previous night. Memories filled with fear and desperation flashed through his mind. He had been sure that it was over, that Reg would go to Bellatrix and he would never get him back. That he had lost, failed. And with that had sealed his little brother's fate, had lost him to the darkness. And all of this only because he had been too cowardly to establish rules – boundaries, like Mr. Potter had said. They are necessary to keep him protected.

"This will sting quite a bit, I don't wanna lie to you. But it won't harm you, and I'll be careful. I promise. It'll be over quickly." Sirius felt the need to promise this, and even though he probably should remain stern right now, he couldn't bring himself to do so.

Silence. Sirius sucked at his bottom lip. He knew he was procrastinating. He should get it over with. So he eventually shifted back on the bed and patted his lap.

"I… I don't know how…" Regulus stammered.

"Do you want me to guide you through it?" Sirius asked, a fresh wave of love flowing over him at his brother looking so confused and helpless, wanting to obey but having no idea how.

Regulus nodded relieved. Sirius took his wrist and gently tugged him over his lap, shifted his body to be sure Regulus was comfortable with his upper body resting on the bed and his legs dangling free.

For a second, Sirius felt frozen in place. When they had been children, he'd had no problem with being a little rough with his little brother from time to time – just like brothers were. Shoving each other, playfully or sometimes more seriously, grappling with each other, but this – it was different. Controlled. One-sided. Then, they had been so secure in their love for each other. And suddenly Sirius just wanted to be gentle with Reg, tell him it was okay, that punishment wasn't that important anyway, that they could just skip it. Couldn't he instead just ground him?

But how could he ground him? Confine Reg to his room? Let him not leave the cottage? How would that help?

Discipline is about what Regulus needs, not about what you want to do or don't want to do. Mr. Potter's voice whispered in the back of his mind, comforting, and for a moment, it felt as if Mr. Potter sat next to him, he could almost feel the ghost of Mr. Potter's hand on his shoulder, guiding him through it.

He needs to know that there are boundaries. Be firm if you need to be, but never make him feel unloved.

Sirius rested his right hand on the small of Regulus' back. His brother tensed up at the unexpected contact. Sirius grimaced. He hadn't wanted to startle Regulus, he had wanted to offer some sort of comfort, but it was already too late now. How was he supposed to start? It seemed impossible.

"Reg? I'm here, with you, the whole way. You can always talk to me –" Sirius' voice broke and he took a deep breath, "if you feel the need to. Okay? I'm here, I've got you. Always."

Regulus nodded and relaxed a bit.

Sirius swallowed hard. He raised his hand and brought it down on Reg's jean-clad backside, and at the same time bit back the apology that bounced back and forth inside of his head like a ping-pong ball, screaming SORRY over and over again. Reg jumped but didn't make a sound, lips sealed to a thin line, he gripped the bedsheets tighter. Had he smacked too hard? Too weak? Sirius had no idea. Maybe he should beforehand decide on a number, a not too high one. Maybe ten for the dark arts book and ten for running away. And five for flying … or no, the flying wasn't really what he was upset about right now, they could talk about that. Maybe he should do twenty-two? Whatever, twenty seemed like a manageable number. It was the first time Regulus was being disciplined (and hopefully the only time) so Sirius didn't think he needed to be overly hard on him. It was more the gesture than the pain that would do the job.

At least that was the plan.

"Earth to Sirius? This is really not the time or place to daydream, big brother. I'm waiting, and this position is not exactly a comfortable one," said Regulus with a tinge of gallows humour, ripping Sirius out of his thoughts. Sirius couldn't prevent the corners of his mouth quirking up slightly. This was the cheeky little brother he remembered from when they had still been close.

He patted the small of Regulus' back reassuringly. "I'm awake. I just… I'm new to this as well, at least from this side of things, so bear with me." Sirius braced himself mentally. "I'm giving you twenty. So, nineteen more to go."

Regulus nodded and hid his face in his crossed arms. "Just get it over with."

Sirius brought his hand down again at medium force, observed his brother's reaction closely. Regulus winced but quickly caught himself.

Sirius started to let his hand fall at a regular pace, increased the force with every spank, watched his brother wince again, and up from the eighth swat he could hear louder sounds of distress and caught Regulus' legs twitching involuntarily.

At the tenth swat, Regulus made an attempt to roll to his side, trying to get his bottom out of line, and Sirius put his arm around Reg's waist to keep him in position. The next five swats were delivered in quick succession and elicited small cries escape Reg's lips. At the fifteenth spank, Sirius recognized the small hitching of Reg's breath that indicated that his brother was crying silently.

"What is the reason you are getting spanked?" Sirius asked gravely. Mr. Potter had always asked him this question.

Regulus tried to calm his breath, then answered. "I-I ran a-away and read a dark arts book."

"Don't do it again," Sirius said sternly.

He decided to bring the spanking to an end and gave his brother the last five smacks, sharply alternating on his sit spots.

"It's over now." He said as he released Regulus from his tight grip around his waist and started rubbing his brother's back. Mr. Potter had always done so. He was unsure of how to proceed from here. Would Regulus hate him now? Maybe he wanted Sirius to leave him alone.

But Reg began to sob. "I – I'm sorry Sirius!"

Sirius felt his heart break at the sight of his little brother. He lifted him up and gently sat him on his lap, hugged his brother with everything in him. "I know. It's all forgiven, Reg. We'll leave that behind us now, okay?" Sirius asked. He was pleading. He wanted to leave this so badly behind them, and start anew.

Reg nodded into his shoulder, crying.

Sirius felt a wave of relief. "Shh, little brother. I'm here, I've got you."

Unconsciously Sirius had whispered the same words he had said a long, long time ago. An old, long forgotten memory materialized in front of Sirius' inner eye.

 *******Sirius' Flashback – February 1963*******

The baby had been crying the whole night. At some point, Mother had simply cast a silencing spell over the nursery, leaving three-year-old Sirius alone in his bed, huge, frightful eyes directed at the cot his little brother lay in. Up to this day, Regulus had always slept in his parents' room, but now they had decided to move the baby's cot into Sirius' nursery, because Father had complained about the noise during the nights.

It was in the middle of the night, and Sirius felt his own tears run down his chubby cheeks. He was so tired! He wished the baby would just stop crying. Mother had tried to calm Regulus down a few times, but she had had no patience left after some time and had shut the door firmly, leaving the crying baby in the room with his three-year-old brother. Sirius tried to block the sounds out by putting his little hands over his ears, but no avail.

It was so loud. So annoying. The never ending noise hurt his ears and echoed in his head, Sirius got a headache from it. He wanted it to stop. After silently crying to himself in frustration, Sirius sat up. A silver of moonlight spilled into the room through a gap in the curtains, enough for the child to navigate between the rough wooden pieces of furniture to the door. He tried to open it, but Mother had closed it after she'd left them alone, and he couldn't get it to open again.

"Mother!" He whimpered. He felt so forlorn and helpless. No answer. He tried to call for his Mother again, a few times, but then he realized that maybe, she couldn't hear him. Because Regulus cried as well, and she didn't hear him either.

Sirius curled himself in a small ball, rocked back and forth, his back against the firmly closed wooden door. He wanted someone to come and make it light, make it silent.

In the darkness, he could see the sharp outlines of his brother's cot, and the dark, wooden wardrobe behind it. Fearfully Sirius stared at the darkest spot of the room, the corner not far behind his brother's cot. All kinds of monsters hid there, with fantastical jaws and sharp claws. He whimpered, hugged his arms tightly around his small body, pressing himself even firmer against the door.

His brother's desperate cries cut through the air.

Sirius saw the dark shape of his little brother kicking, his little arms in the air, his body shaking with violent sobs. Then he stared back at the dark corner of the room, its dark shadow looming threateningly over his brother's cot.

Maybe Regulus was scared as well. Calling for someone to protect him from the monsters in the corner, at whose mercy he was.

Sirius swallowed heavily and summoned up all his courage. Trembling, he felt his way through the room until he cowered next to his brother's cot.

The baby's face was red, tears were pouring out of his eyes like rivers. His eyes met the ones of his brother, and Regulus extended his chubby little arms towards Sirius, his shrieked crying shortly interrupted by sobs wracking his little body.

Sirius glanced anxiously to the corner that was now very close to him, he took in the deep darkness that lured there, ready to grab him. It was so much more frightening now that he was within reach of all the monsters.

Carefully, he raised himself on tiptoes, his eyes still focused firmly on the corner.

He trembled as his hands found the body of his little brother, Regulus' tiny hands gripped his arms tightly. As fast as he could, Sirius lifted his little brother out of the cot, using a supernatural strength to lift the to him very heavy baby up with his thin arms up. He dragged Regulus over to his own bed, almost tripping over himself as he scrambled against the headboard of his bed and glared towards the corner, still shaking, his little heart beating up to his throat.

In a safe place, again. They couldn't get to him in his bed.

His little brother was heavy in his arms, and he put him down next to him on his bed. Regulus still firmly held onto Sirius' pyjama sleeves, and Sirius was astonished how vigorous the little hands were.

Finally, after he had managed to peel the little hands off him, Sirius regarded his brother. Regulus was still crying, but not as loud and shrill like he had before, it was more like a silent, sorrowful sobbing, his large, grey eyes firmly fixed onto his big brother.

Something inside of Sirius softened as he looked into his little brother's eyes, tears still glittering in the long, dark lashes. He ran his fingers through Regulus' soft baby hair, suddenly everything else forgotten, the monsters in the corner, the darkness, the aggression he'd felt towards his brother previously.

"Shh, little bwother, I'm here. I've got you." Sirius said softly.

Regulus calmed down almost immediately, staring at him with big eyes. Then he reached out and tried to touch Sirius' face.

"No!" Sirius said, jerking his head back, afraid the baby would poke his eyes out.

Regulus' eyes refilled with tears, plush bottom lip trembling.

Fearing the baby would start crying again, Sirius quickly relented and let Regulus touch his face.

Small fingers gently brushed over Sirius' chubby cheek, and Regulus' eyes brightened. A small smile formed on the baby's face, and Sirius found himself staring at it incredulously, watching in awe as a small giggle escaped his little brother's lips, a giggle as light as a bell.

"You like that?" Sirius said, drawing the baby closer to his own body. He curled around Regulus, watched him fascinated, strangely happy about the joy Regulus found in simply touching his face.

"Si-u" The baby babbled.

"What?" Sirius' knitted his eyebrows in confusion.

"Siii-uu!" The baby said again. Then Sirius understood. "Sirius? That's my name." Sirius nodded eagerly, a smile forming on his little face. The baby had called him by his name! Regulus knew who he was!

Regulus hadn't spoken before, not even words like mama or dada.

Pride rose up in Sirius. He smiled at his baby brother, who smiled wholeheartedly back at him, cooing his name over and over, giggling and squealing with joy. Sirius couldn't take his eyes from his baby brother's face. How Regulus' eyes were fixed on him, as if he was the centre of the world.

Happy eyes, gazing at Sirius with a look of pure, uncondional love. A wondrous feeling spread inside of him.

Sirius encircled his little brother with his arms, pulled the little warm bundle gently up against himself. Shielding him with his own body from the dark corner, from the monsters that lured there. They couldn't have him, Reg was his, their existence wouldn't matter as long as the two of them were together.

 *******End Flashback*******

Sirius closed his eyes. The warm shape of his brother was pressed up against him, Regulus' tears wet against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I had to do that. I love you so much, little brother. And I want to protect you, want you to be happy. I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to know that you are never alone. I'm never leaving you again, Reg, I promise." Sirius felt a lump build in his throat as the emotions almost overwhelmed him.

It was all true. He loved his brother, so much.

Reg, his little brother.

The first person that had ever loved him back.

And he was so sorry that he had failed him when he should have been there for him. He should have protected him from their parents' madness.

"I'm so sorry Reg. I should have taken you with me, then." Tears burned in Sirius' eyes, threatening to fall. Regulus stared at him, his big grey eyes suddenly showing so much tenderness and love.

"I'm glad you're here now. I love you too," Regulus whispered, the last part just barely audible. His slender arms tightened around Sirius' chest.

And then Sirius cried silently, cradling his little brother. He cried tears of sadness, of guilt over the last years. But quickly they made way for tears of happiness. Regulus loved him as well! It would all be fine, just like Mr. Potter had said it would. They could repair it all. He would save his brother. He would keep him safe. And he would never, ever, let the Death Eaters have him again.

tbc...


	12. Being Brothers

**A/N: Sorry, it took me a while to update. I've got a full-time job till the summer, and therefore can only update about once a week sometimes. (At least that's what's planned. I'll try to update more often, of course.)**

Some time later, they both got up again, Regulus lay down on the couch with a book and Sirius, who felt the sudden need to make himself useful somehow, collected the dirty laundry from his and Regulus' rooms and stuffed them into the object that he assumed was the washing machine in the kitchen. Theoretically, he could've asked Blinky to wash them as well, but he didn't really know what to do right now, he didn't want to hide in his room but he didn't want to go on Reg's nerves either and make him feel like he had to talk to him - Sirius didn't want to pester his brother. _Maybe he doesn't want to talk. I don't want to bother him._

Even though they both had agreed to leave this behind them now, Sirius felt very unsure of himself. Maybe Regulus would change his mind after he had calmed down, maybe then he would get mad. Sirius wouldn't blame him, but he was still afraid of it. What if his brother resented him for punishing him? And they had no one else to talk to. With the Potters, Sirius had always been able to talk to James or Mrs. Potter. How could Sirius be the disciplinarian and at the same time Reg's brother and friend? Because he wanted to be that as well. Maybe Reg didn't want him to be his friend now, who would like to have a friend that ordered you around and had spanked you? Sirius wouldn't.

Finally, Sirius decided to settle down in the other armchair in the living room. There was nothing else to do, and he didn't want to hide in his room or go outside in case Reg needed him. Not that Reg would think he avoided him or was still angry. Merlin, this was awful.

From time to time he felt his little brother's gaze upon him, but each time he tried to catch Regulus' eyes, the younger boy was again firmly concentrating on the book in his lap.

They had a late dinner that evening, maybe at eight, but it was okay. They weren't that tired anyway after sleeping until noon and after dinner they continued to read in the living room. It wasn't as if they were ignoring each other, on the contrary, they were talking from time to time, very softly and in short, hesitant ways, but they both felt they wanted to break through this audible silence that lay between them, so silent that it was permanently there, even when it wasn't silent.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked softly, his voice low and yet it cut through the silence, startling Sirius.

Sirius' head snapped up, and he looked at his brother, meeting his eyes. "Yes?" Somehow, he felt his heartbeat fastening and his muscles tensing up.

Regulus closed his book and rested it in his lap. "I just wondered… what are we going to do during the holidays?"

"Umm… do? Here, you mean?"

Regulus nodded.

Sirius thought about that for a moment. "We can do… whatever you want, I guess, as long as it's within the rules." He added the second part, just to be safe. He didn't want to make any false promises, for he didn't know how far Regulus had internalized the rules he'd established this afternoon yet.

"Can we make a campfire?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. How'd Reg get that idea? They had never made a campfire together before, and Sirius didn't think that their parents had ever made one with Reg. But it sounded like fun.

"Yeah, sure," He answered, a small smile forming on his lips as he watched Regulus' eyes brighten.

"Can we do it now? I've never made one before. Have you?" Regulus placed his book on the coffee table in front of him, his expression changing into excitement.

Sirius grinned. He liked the idea. It was something so normal, so brotherly to do together. "Yeah, we can. I have made one before, with the Potters, a few years ago. But I bet I can remember how to do it." He put his own book away as well and got up, motioning for Reg to follow him outside.

He went around the house's corner, where a small firewood rack stood. "We might need a small pile…" He paused for a moment. "Should we build the campfire next to the cottage or near the beach, what do you have in mind?"

"The beach would be cool," Regulus answered, his eyes shining. "Should I carry some logs there?" He took a few bigger pieces from the top of the rack.

Sirius thought about that for a second. "Yeah, but we don't need too bulky ones, take some thin pieces, they burn better – we'll need some kindling and tinder as well." He looked around, and his eyes manifested upon the small wooded area at about a kilometre's distance from the cottage. It wasn't a real forest, more like a bunch of trees and shrubs, but it would do for supplying them with everything they needed.

As they reached the trees, the sun had already sunken down beneath the tops of the pines, casting long, thin shadows in the golden evening light. Sirius advised Regulus to collect small twigs and branches – dry ones that would break easily, as well as some dry leaf or grass, while Sirius did the same, but looked for some larger branches as well that could be used as fuel wood, not too big ones, but ones that were about as wide as his wrist on his forearm. They had more enough larger logs at the cottage. Regulus found some fluffy fungi as well, and after a few minutes, they had collected enough and made their way back to the cottage, and from there to the beach.

The sun was now very low, and would disappear in a few minutes, so it was the ideal time to prepare their fire.

"Do you want to cook something on a stick?" Sirius asked as he cleared off a small area at the beach from grass and leaves until dirt was visible. Regulus had sat down next to him and helped, but at the question, he looked up.

"I'd like that!" The younger boy smiled, and Sirius smiled wholeheartedly back.

"Then why don't you go back to the cottage and bring us some bacon and marshmallows? I think we should still have some, but if we don't, ask Blinky to get you some. I'll continue preparing the fire bed, okay?" Sirius suggested.

Regulus nodded, got up and jogged back to the cottage, Sirius watching him go with a smile on his face, then the older boy cleared the rest of the small circular area they would need for their fire off and took some tinder, but then hesitated. No, he wanted to wait for Reg, they would build this fire together.

He wanted to show his little brother how to do it, just like the Mr. Potter had showed him (and James, who already had known how to make a campfire, but who'd been happy to learn it again) the different steps of building a decent campfire about four years ago, when he'd spent the last week of the summer holidays with the Potter's after running away from his parents again. They had built a big, roaring campfire, and it had been a fun experience to learn how to do it, they had been awfully proud of producing their own fire. It felt primal and very ancient somehow, sitting in front of a crackling campfire, you were almost magnetically attracted to it.

Regulus returned, his arms full of marshmallow bags and some plates with bacon on it, as well as two bottles of water that he carried awkwardly under his arms. Sirius had to smile again as he saw his little brother make his way back to him, how eager Regulus was to do something together with him, even though he'd been punished earlier that day – how forgiving his little brother was.

Sirius knew he had done the right thing by punishing his brother, but still, it weighed heavy on his shoulders, and the memory of it was still very prominent in his mind. He had made his brother cry. He had inflicted pain upon him. Sirius hadn't been prepared for the helplessness and awkwardness he'd felt afterwards, even though Reg had said he still loved him – the fear hadn't left Sirius until his little brother had made the first step with this, Reg still wanted to have something to do with Sirius, something brotherly – it meant a lot, maybe it meant that they could still be brothers, regardless of the change in their relationship.

Because they needed that as well. Both of them.

"I've brought something to drink as well," Regulus said, grinning. "I hope water's okay, I didn't find anything else."

"Yeah, sure, water's great," Sirius answered, straightened up and relieved Regulus from the many bags and they put the things down on a pile next to them. Then they both continued on preparing the fire, Sirius placed their tinder bundle in the middle of their fire bed and above it formed a teepee with some kindling, leaving the side open for the wind to blow against, just like Mr. Potter had shown him. Then they put some thicker twigs around it, working their way up with wider branches until their teepee of kindling was fully surrounded with fuel wood.

By then, it was almost ten in the evening and the sky had darkened already, even though the horizon was still painted in warm orange tones. It was the perfect time to light their fire before it got completely dark.

Sirius withdrew his wand and had already lifted his right hand to spell a small spark onto the tinder, so they could watch the different layers of wood slowly start to burn, but then he looked at his brother and reconsidered. In the dim light, he saw Regulus' eyes shining enthusiastically, eager for the fire to start.

A small smile formed on Sirius' lips as he reached out his wand with the handle towards his little brother. "Do you want to do it?"

Regulus' eyes widened. He hesitated for a moment. "Am I allowed?" He asked tentatively, his voice soft against the never ceasing rhythmical sound of small waves coming up against the shore a few yards away from them.

"You are" Sirius answered in an equally low voice, keeping his eyes firmly focused on his brother's, still holding out his wand. "I trust you, Reg."

Regulus reached out and tentatively gripped the handle of Sirius' wand. It felt strange in his hand, but at the same time, it felt positive and familiar, even though he'd never touched it before. He looked back at his brother who nodded at him encouragingly. Regulus' eyes flickered back to the fire lay. A smile appeared on his face as he flicked the wand softly and whispered " _Incendio_ ", conjuring a small yellow flame that sprung out of its top and alighted on the for it designed tinder pile. For a second, he watched the flame bounce up and down on the dry grass until it hungrily started to consume the fluffy fungus beneath it, igniting it.

He looked back at his brother. Sirius was sitting at an arm's length distance from him, his gaze softly lingering upon Regulus.

Regulus felt the corners of his mouth curving up, and a warm feeling settled in the pitch of his stomach. He held out the wand for Sirius to take it back, then relaxed and watched the once so small flame by now brightly burn and consume the tinder at a rapid speed while already springing over to some of the kindling around it.

They were both silent for a little while, watching the fire crackle and burn and illuminate the area around them in a warm, comforting glow whereas the sky darkened and the first sparkling stars were coming into view. Unlike earlier, the silence between them was not uncomfortable, and they were not frantically searching for something to say but instead shared it, felt the presence of the other one near them and relished in it.

"Maybe we should wait until the fire's burned a bit longer, but I feel really hungry," confessed Sirius after a few minutes.

Regulus grinned. "Me too."

Sirius looked around mischievously, then leaned forwards. "I won't tell if you won't." He said in a stained whisper, nodding towards the plates with the bacon.

"Sure I won't. I'm so hungry I could eat a hippogriff." Regulus grinned.

"Mhm, hippogriff's always what comes first to my mind when I lust for something to fill my stomach."

"Well then, help yourself to a nice hippogriffy stripe of fresh bacon," Regulus smiled and put the plate between them, fishing himself a tasty looking piece of bacon.

"Wait, I've got some sticks here, to roast the bacon on," Sirius said and turned around, scanning the area around them until his eyes found the two sticks that lay about at a metres' distance from him. He picked them up and held out one for Regulus to take. Sirius had whittled off the bark on the end so the sticks had a smooth, clean area and a nicely sharp tip.

Regulus imitated the way his older brother wrapped the bacon around the stick's tip, and then they held them above the fire.

"Make sure the flames don't get it, hold it a bit higher," Sirius advised his younger brother, reaching out and tipping the stick a bit up "Let the heat cook it, you don't want the fire to burn it."

It was fun. And the fire-roasted bacon tasted so much better than they would have expected it to, primal and smoky, simply awesome. After they had eaten all the bacon, they started roasting some marshmallows.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked while he watched the fire's heat melt the marshmallow, colouring its fluffy corners golden.

"Mhm?" Sirius lay on his back with his legs angled and his arms crossed behind his head, his gaze lingering on the fire, his thoughts lost in the bright flickering of the yellow flames that stood out against the dark surroundings.

It confused Regulus that Sirius was not constantly annoyed about having to be here. He didn't really have to, he could've dumped Regulus at Bellatrix', or somewhere else. Wouldn't Sirius much more prefer to spend the holidays with the Potters or his friends? Why did he take the trouble? Regulus didn't think the holidays had been a fun time for Sirius yet.

Regulus watched his brother for a few moments before he continued. "Why… why do you want to spend the holidays here? With me?"

Sirius turned and straightened up a bit, leaning on his elbows while looking at his brother with thoughtful eyes. "Because you're my brother. You're my family. And I love you." It went so easily over his lips, the truth, this afternoon spoken for the first time in years, and after he had discovered it again he wouldn't let it go like he did before. He loved his little brother, so much. And he would tell him so until Reg was secure in that love again.

Regulus felt his heart warming, and he couldn't help but smile a bit at that and even though it sounded so strange to hear those words out of Sirius' mouth after all those years, at the same time they sounded like the truest thing that could be said. _I love you too._ But somehow, Regulus still was a bit afraid to say it back. What if Sirius decided differently again? He'd left him before.

"Why have you decided to remember about me?"

Sirius looked down at his feet, and then back into the flames. Regulus didn't talk around issues, he got right to the point, that was for sure. Sirius swallowed before answering. He had known Reg would ask that one day, and he deserved an answer. Even though that answer might not be satisfying.

"I haven't decided much. It was… I just remembered. And then suddenly, there you were, like a missing piece of me and I knew I needed us to be brothers again. A family. I know it's difficult to understand, and maybe words won't be enough Reg, but I _swear_ – I'll never leave again. I made the biggest mistake of my life with leaving you. Not so much _them_ , but you. And I'll do anything to make it good again. To mend it."

 _But why have you decided to forget about me?_ The big question that had always been in the back of Regulus' mind during the last years lingered on the tip of his tongue. What had happened to make Sirius resent him? But Regulus didn't want to ask that. He didn't want to upset Sirius, and he really appreciated his brother talking so openly about his feelings, he didn't want to hurt him or accuse him of something. Maybe he should just let it rest.

Wasn't it enough that Sirius was here again? And Regulus hadn't been innocent either. He'd never defended Sirius in front of their parents. Never taken his side. Had left him alone as well.

"It's okay Sirius. We both made decisions we regret."

A moment of silence.

"Watch out, your marshmallow!" Sirius said suddenly, and Regulus jerked his stick on which he'd impaled the now slightly burned marshmallow upwards and out of reach for the flames.

"Ah, it's still fine," Regulus said after inspecting it.

"No, cut the black part off. It's unhealthy."

Regulus smiled. At first, he wanted to object, it didn't really matter that much that a corner was a bit blackened, it was just a small bit, but then again, it felt strangely nice being cared for. And on the other hand, it was hilarious. Sirius had always been a sweet-tooth and had eaten about everything (healthy or not) on what he'd gotten his hands on.

Regulus laughed a bit.

"What?" Sirius looked at him, a bit surprised, but his facial expression showed clear signs of amusement.

"Suddenly you're Mr. Healthy here? Don't think I've forgotten the stock of sweets in your bedroom, Sirius." Regulus grinned while peeling the burned parts off his marshmallow anyway.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius grinned broadly.

"Then it must've been Kreacher hiding all those sweets in your drawers." Regulus chuckled. "You really didn't wonder where all your pink jelly buttons and apple rings went each time you brought some?"

"You little twerp! You always said you didn't take them!" Sirius laughed loudly now.

"You believed that Sirius, really?"

"Well, with those puppy eyes – who could not believe you? I can't believe I really fell for it so many times, though. I looked everywhere for them, I was sure I had lost them somewhere in my room and they were moulding in some corner –"

"Only you could think that, with the mess you've had. Still have." Regulus thought about Sirius' room here at the cottage. Even though they haven't stayed here for too long, Sirius room was already as messy as if a bunch of pixies had performed several terror attacks on it.

Sirius grinned and pronged a fresh, still snowy white marshmallow on the tip of his stick before holding it into the fire's warmth. "I just order things a bit different. But I almost always find what I'm looking for."

"Almost always? How about rarely!" Regulus smirked. In some ways, Sirius hadn't changed a bit. In others, though, he had. It was strange that this young man next to him still was Sirius, the funny older brother he remembered. He was still there, on the inside. Even though the last time they had truly laughed with each other, must have been – about five years ago? Maybe longer. Before Sirius left for Hogwarts.

So much time was lost for them. They had been children then. They should've grown up together. And now Sirius had done it by himself. Sometimes, time didn't wait up for you.

They sat like that for some time, at some point Sirius charmed the fire to make the flames appear like what looked like a row of dancing goblins, and they both watched the small fiery figures dance, flicker and disappear before reappearing with another lambent blaze.

"Lily has perfected that charm, her flames look like gracefully dancing ballerinas. Mine – well, at least they look like roughly humanoid creatures performing some primal form of dance." Sirius laughed.

It was so strange to suddenly be able to remember so many little things of their childhood. Sirius told him a story on how Regulus had always carried around an old, worn blanket when he'd still been a toddler, and then left it somewhere and started to cry because of it, not stopping to terrorize everyone in the house with terrible fits of shrieking cries until Kreacher had finally found it dumped in some dusty corner, at the strangest places sometimes.

Regulus laughed at that, then, the smile suddenly dropped from his face. He opened his mouth, and for a second, he resembled a fish that was opening and closing his mouth. Obviously, he was searching for words.

"Umm… Did you by chance see… err… Kreacher? When you were at Grimmauld place?"

Sirius knitted his brows. He had indeed, but he didn't understand why Regulus brought that up now.

"Yes. Why?"

"I just wondered how he was doing… all alone, now, you know. And if we're not returning…" Regulus paused for a second, mustering up some courage. "Maybe he could live here, with us?"

Now it was Sirius' turn to gape at his brother. Kreacher living with them? Everything inside of Sirius strived against that thought.

"I don't think Kreacher would want that. He loves that house. It's his home." He said carefully.

Regulus shoulders slumped. Sirius bit his lip, looking away. He hadn't wanted to upset his brother.

"I'm just wondering what he is doing now," Regulus said softly.

"I guess he's just living there like he did before, taking care of the house," Sirius answered. "Whatever he's been doing the rest of the time."

"So he'll just stay there, alone, until he dies?" Regulus sounded concerned.

"I don't know. Most likely. I don't really care. He can do what he wants," Sirius said curtly. He wasn't intentionally short with his brother, but he really, really didn't want to talk about Kreacher.

"So if he wants to live with us, can he? We could ask him."

"Reg… Kreacher, he's never lived anywhere else. And I don't want to go live in _that house_ again, I can't." It had been bad enough to visit it last night.

Sirius sighed as he regarded his brother. Regulus looked sad, somehow, the angle the flickering light of the fire fell on his face illuminated his grey eyes, enhancing the expression even, and Sirius felt his heart constrict at the sight. "You … we could visit him, at some point. Then you can ask him, but I guarantee you, he wouldn't want to leave the house. And he wouldn't want to live with me. He hates me."

Regulus' brows furrowed. "Kreacher's not that bad. He's just… you've never given him any chance either."

"How could I? Kreacher is loyal to _Mistress Walburga_ and _Master Orion._ He's never had an own opinion. He hates what they hated. You forgot I'm a _traitor_ , a _shame to the family._ " Sirius sounded bitter.

Regulus opened his mouth to object but then closed it again, averted his eyes and watched the fiery figures dance and flicker against the dark sky. He wanted to say that their parents hadn't hated Sirius. But then, the words felt like a lie, even when still only thoughts.

 _He is dead to the family._

How could Mother and Father have hated Sirius like this? Their own child, mistreating and abandoning it. The memories of their parents beating and abusing his brother now caused Regulus a stomach-ache. His eyes flickered back to his brother, sitting next to him, appearing suddenly so vulnerable – the hurt child Sirius had been, it was still there, and Sirius was opening himself for Regulus' sake. Regulus saw that now.

Sirius was allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of Regulus because that's what Sirius was when he was Regulus' brother again. And still Sirius did it, even though Regulus reminded him every day of the horrors he'd lived through. He wouldn't have to, but he did it for Regulus.

Regulus felt a fierce tenderness for his brother rise up in him.

"You're not, Sirius." He whispered. "They were wrong about that." _I was wrong about that too. I'm so sorry._

Sirius' eyes glittered in the flickering light, and he quickly looked away. As he turned back to Regulus, though, his eyes were so full of light and love that Regulus thought for a moment it must have been the fire, the play of lighting and darkness around them that made it appear like that.

But it wasn't, it was _Sirius, his older brother_ , looking at him. Not _Sirius, the traitor_. That was what Sirius had always been to Reg - light and love.

How forgiving Sirius was. It had been so wrong to call Sirius all of that, Regulus had even done it himself a few days ago. And still Sirius looked at him like that, he had just forgiven him. It seemed to be all jumbled up now. What was right? What was wrong?

"I'm so confused," Regulus confessed, his voice feint and unsteady. He bit his lip, averting his eyes.

"I know, Reg," Sirius answered softly after a few moments of silence.

Regulus lay down on his back, crossed his arms behind his head and looked up to the clear, starry sky, letting his thoughts wander. Pictures of his parents appeared in front of his mind, of his brother, his home, Kreacher, Hogwarts. Slytherin, the Death Eaters, Bellatrix, muggles, muggleborns. Feelings flooded through him, grief, anger, doubt, regret, love, building up high waves and conflicting storms, and even though he was confused about almost everything and there was so much to think about, he still didn't feel lost like he had before. It was like someone was holding him, someone who could swim and had thrown him a life-saver to hoist him out of these turbulent waters that were threatening to drown him. Someone was keeping him above the surface, someone strong and determined.

Maybe this was the only truth that mattered for now. That he was not alone, that Sirius was here, with him. The rest he could work out with time.

* * *

Some time later, the stars had already moved quite a bit on the firmament and most of the fire had burned down, only a few larger locks were still enflamed. Sirius regarded his brother who had fallen asleep, lying on his side with his front turned towards the warming fire, his chest raising and falling evenly, the soft gleam of the now low flickering lights playing over his face, making him appear so soft, so young, sleeping like a child, vulnerable. He was so trusting. So forgiving.

Reg, his little brother. _I'll watch out for you._

It was so unbelievable that they were really here, together. So unreal. And at the same time, it was the realest thing Sirius had felt since months, since years. He was needed. He had a job, his actions a purpose.

Sirius smiled.

It was so beautiful to be able to care for someone. And for that someone to be his little brother, it made him feel like a miracle had happened. It was like he was finally complete. The fractures of his self were put together again. The cracks were mending.

After some more time, the fire was already burned down and all that was left was a pile of ashes glowing softly in the darkness, Sirius reached out and gently touched Regulus' shoulder. The coolness of the night slowly began to creep through his clothes, aided by a gentle breeze coming from the lake's direction, causing the hair on his arms to stand on attention as a small shiver ran over his body.

"Wake up, sleepyhead, bed's much more comfortable than this."

Regulus blinked, and propped himself up on his elbows. "I fell asleep?"

His hair was tousled and he couldn't help a big yawn to escape his lips. Sirius snorted at the picture, reached out and ruffled his brother's hair affectionately, causing Reg's long dark curls to fall into his face. Regulus shook his hair and fixed it again in faked indignation but he couldn't avoid a small smile playing around his lips before rubbing his eyes and stretching his legs.

"Come, we need to put the fire out. _Aguamenti"_ Sirius said softly, sprinkling some water over the remaining embers, using a stick to stir them until the soft hissing noises fell silent and the steam had disappeared.

Together they walked back over the nightly meadows, a soft nightly breeze caressing their hair and back until they reached the cottage and entered its welcoming warmth. Sirius flicked the lights on, and another yawn escaped Regulus.

"Bedtime, Reg," Sirius smiled at his brother's tired expression.

Regulus nodded, barely able to keep his eyes open as he walked into the direction of the corridor.

"Sleep well. Love you," Sirius said softly while taking the empty plate and bottles to the kitchen.

"Love you too." Whispered words reached his ears out of the corridor's direction, softly spoken, and Sirius paused, listened to his brother's slurred footsteps patting over the wooden floor, disappearing in Reg's bedroom. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, cherishing the emotion that filled his heart and then the whole room, tumbling through the air, dancing, flying with invisible wings.

 **TBC…**


	13. About Movies and Motorbikes

The next two and a half weeks remained very peaceful. Sirius observed that Regulus was from time to time very thoughtful, then again very affectionate towards Sirius, almost clingy. They both relished in hugging each other, and Sirius felt their relationship grow faster and stronger than he could've ever expected. Even though he still had found Reg crying sometimes, especially during the nights, it seemed like his little brother was slowly healing.

He smiled a lot during the days at least. Laughed, joked. His eyes shining.

Sirius' heart felt light during days filled with flying, swimming and exploring the area. One night they flew on the top of a nearby mountain, sat down on the very top and regarded the stars, feeling as happy in each other's presence as Sirius could've ever hoped for. Just being brothers again. Really, truly a family, how they had been before, and even more so.

Life was like a dream, almost too good to be true.

At one point, Sirius and Regulus visited the small muggle village nearby, ate muggle ice cream and admired the traditional stone houses. Sirius noticed that Regulus was very quiet during their interaction with muggles, but he had not even once mentioned the typical pure-blood supremacist's views on muggles his Slytherin friends never ceased to remind everyone around of, he had not even looked at them disdainfully like their mother used to do when she was walking with them along London's streets.

As they walked along an alley, both of them eating some muggle sweets they had bought from the shop round the corner, Sirius spotted an old motorbike leaning against the wall of an old, shabby house. A rough paper sign was sitting next to it, on it was written in messy handwriting:

 _For Sale – Motorbike, 1959 Triumph 650 T120 Bonneville, price negotiable_

Sirius paused, kneeled down and inspected it. Regulus stopped dead in his tracks, at first confused, he hadn't even noticed the motorbike, but then he remembered Sirius always having some kind of fascination with those objects, he'd even hung some pictures of motorbikes on the walls of his room at Grimmauld Place, with a permanent sticking charm so that their mother couldn't take them down. Regulus didn't really have any idea what was so special about those motorbikes, he had seen them a few times on the street, ridden by muggles, but wasn't a broom much more practical? And for everything else there was the floo network.

Anyway, he watched his brother fascinatedly rounding the bike, looking at it in awe, inspecting it. Sirius' eyes flitted back to the sign, a smile appearing on his face.

"Hey Reg, don't you think this looks really great?" He asked, his eyes shining.

Regulus shrugged. Actually, it looked like scrap to him, but he didn't want to discourage Sirius. "Do you… know how to ride this?" He asked suspiciously, eyeing the motorbike. It looked worse than the ones he'd seen being driven on the street, somehow… not right.

"No. But I'm sure I can figure it out." Sirius smiled, and went in the direction of the houses front door, raising his hand to knock.

"I'm not sure you can – it looks broken to me. Look, there… is this really supposed to look like that? I mean, I'm not an expert …" Regulus pointed to the wires, they were airless and flat, and the seat was old, with frayed, tattered fabric – was it supposed to be leather? Regulus almost couldn't make it out under all the dust and dirt.

But Sirius didn't seem to care, for he knocked enthusiastically on the door.

A few moments later, a young woman, probably a bit older than Sirius but not by much, opened the door.

"Yea?" She asked, raising her eyebrows, wiping her wet hands on a blue bib overall.

Sirius flashed a bright smile at her. "Excuse the interruption, Miss, I hope we're not bothering you. I just came across your motorbike here" he pointed at the bike "And I'd very much like to purchase it."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really?" She sounded surprised, and opened the door wider, stepping outside. "Well, you have to know, it's broken, kind of. I… I tried to fix it, my dad as well, but it's… the thing is, fixing it would be pretty expensive, and Dad says it's not worth the money, so it's been rotting in our cellar for years…" Regulus smirked in the background, and she shrugged. "Do you know a lot about motorbikes?"

"No, but I have seen a few already, and they are really fascinating," Sirius responded honestly.

Her eyebrows creased and she cast him a funny look. "Uh… o-kay. You do realize you won't be able to ride it? It needs to be fixed. A lot." She said again, more slowly this time as if she talked to a very young child, not sure whether he had understood her the first time.

"That's okay," Sirius said, still smiling. "So, how much do you want for it?"

Still surprised by his unusual behaviour, she pursed her lips, thinking for a second, while brushing a stray strand of her honey-blonde hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.

"How 'bout sixty?"

"Okay." Sirius agreed instantly and rummaged in his pockets where he kept his muggle money he had taken with him for this trip. He pulled out two notes. "Uh… that's two times fifty…" he quickly summed it up in his head, it was a bit too much, but then he shrugged, reaching both notes out for her to take. _Muggle money._ "Is this okay so?"

She stared at him flabbergasted. Didn't this strange boy want to negotiate the price? She'd never expected anyone to really pay 60 pounds for this old, broken motorbike, she'd just wanted to negotiate – but then she blinked, of course she wouldn't say no if he _wanted_ to pay so much for it.

She took the notes and motioned to the house. "I'll get some change," she mumbled, but Sirius interrupted her.

"Nah, it's alright. Can you tell me what needs to be done?"

"Yes, sure." She shook her head slightly at him. "But, this is really too much. It's not even worth half –"

But Sirius interrupted her again. "It's fine. I don't need it. But I could really, really need help with fixing it. I know nothing about motorbikes." He admitted and flashed her a lopsided smile. Regulus snorted, and Sirius cast him a pretend admonishing look.

"You're strange somehow, you know that? But in a funny way." The girl laughed. "Okay, I'll help you. But I really can't take that much. It would not be right, it's not worth that much. Come on in, both of you, I'll get the papers."

Sirius and Regulus followed her inside, into a small kitchen where she collected a small box from above the fridge and opened it, taking two notes out of it. Then she went over to a shelf and looked through a few files and took out one.

"Here. These are all the documents." She handed them to Sirius, together with the 40 pounds change. "Maybe we could meet up the next days and I'll tell you what you need to fix on the motorbike. It might take a while, a lot needs to be done, believe me. I'm Ava, by the way." She added, her voice flirty suddenly.

Regulus raised his eyes as he watched his brother stare at her for a second before Sirius' face lightened up. "Of course, it would be my pleasure to invite a beautiful lady to some ice cream, Ava. I'm Sirius, and this is my brother Regulus." He said charmingly, making her smile.

They agreed upon meeting the next day, and Sirius decided he'd collect the motorbike tomorrow after she had shown him what exactly needed to be fixed.

They left the house shortly after, Sirius truly elated, Regulus smirking.

"And how are you planning on fixing this? You just admitted you know nothing about motorbikes." Regulus asked. _Gryffindors._

"I hope Ava'll help me with it. She seems to know her stuff." Sirius answered, a happy smile firmly plastered on his face. "It will be awesome! I'll ask Hagrid about how to improve it magically, special features, you know." He winked at Regulus, his eyes shining. "This is the greatest day ever!" Sirius exclaimed enthusiastically, his treat so light-footed that it made Regulus smile at how easily his brother could be made happy. And Sirius' happiness was contagious anyway.

The next days, Sirius was very busy because after he'd met with Ava again, he'd moved the motorbike to the cottage and worked daily on fixing it, some days with Ava's help, others without. Sirius was pretty clueless at first, but after he'd gotten the necessary spare parts, he managed to fix a great part by himself. The bike had needed a whole new set of cylinder heads, and after Ava and her father had helped to install them, it looked already much better. Sirius spent a great deal of time on polishing and optically beautifying the bike. It might've been cheaper and more time-sparing to just buy a new motorbike, but Sirius had absolutely fallen in love with this particular one, and even Regulus had to admit that after they had replaced the wires and the seat, it looked pretty good. At some point, James came to visit them and he seemed to be equally fascinated by the motorbike. Of course.

Sometimes, though, Regulus found himself to be annoyed by Sirius' constant flirting with Ava.

"She's older than you, you know," Regulus said while sitting on the soft grass in front of the cottage, with his legs crossed, next to him Sirius working on the motorbike, trying to attach the freshly lacquered belly pan, using his wand as a heat gun. Ava had just left, and Regulus was glad of it, somehow. It was all Ava this, Ava that these days.

"So what?" Sirius asked, not taking his eyes from the belly pan, positioning it, keeping it in place with one hand while searching with the other for the thin, flat screwdriver he'd put somewhere next to him into the grass.

Regulus reached out and handed his brother the screwdriver.

"Thanks," Sirius said and tightened down one screw after the other. Regulus didn't really understand much of what Sirius was doing right now, what the purpose of this belly pan thing was, and he didn't care much either, it was just strangely fascinating to watch Sirius work.

"She's too old for you," Regulus stated decidedly.

"Too old to help me with the bike? That'd be something new." Sirius answered shortly.

"No, you know what I mean."

Sirius did know. "She's not that much older. But I'm not liking her that way. Even though she's pretty."

Regulus couldn't help but relax a bit.

"You relieved 'bout that?" Sirius cast Regulus a quick glance.

Regulus shrugged.

Sirius leant back and studied his brother. He knew Reg was still coming to terms with not thinking of muggles as the enemy.

A crack was audible, and a second later the belly pan broke away again on one side.

"Crap," Sirius exclaimed. He tried to fix it again and eventually just took his wand and cast a permanent sticking charm on the belly pan. "Ah, whatever. That'll do as well." He winked at Regulus.

Regulus grinned. By now, it seemed that the primary thing that held the motorbike together was a bunch of permanent sticking charms.

Sirius enjoyed those days immensely. It was more than he could ever have hoped for, him and Regulus getting along, having a good time, not fighting even once. Sirius noticed that Regulus' behaviour towards muggles had changed, and even though he was still shy during Ava's visits, he started to open up and even talked to her from time to time. At one point, Ava stayed with them for dinner after helping Sirius replacing the exhaust pipes, and the new ones were looking pretty good, shining silvery, changing the motorbike's appearance completely, even Regulus had admitted that. The three of them cooked together, and Ava finally taught Sirius what the _real_ use of the washing object in their kitchen was.

"It's called _dishwasher_ , Sirius." She said after she'd gotten her breath back, tears of laughter streaming from her ice-blue eyes.

Sirius shot her a confused look. "Dishwasher?"

"Yeah, for dishes, not for _clothes_ –" She erupted again in a fit of laughter.

"But it did a fine job so far as cloth washer." As far as Sirius was concerned, he didn't mind the colours fading a bit. And what he didn't realize was that their clothes were magical clothes, and therefore spelled to fit as far as possible (and not to shrink if washed the wrong way, obviously).

After she'd halfway calmed down again, she explained to them how to use it.

"It's really special, we don't have something like this at home, but … it's awesome. Look how quickly you can do the dishes, and it'll just wash them for you – "

Regulus and Sirius looked at each other. Usually, Blinky took the dishes and washed them for them, somewhere. They rarely thought about it, and it was mostly a welcomed chore for Sirius when he felt he wanted to be busy for a few minutes. But the mountains of dishes Ava described didn't sound like fun to wash, if he thought about it.

"I guess we are in more need of a cloth washer than a dishwasher. But it's a good idea to wash dishes with it as well." Regulus tried.

She laughed again. "God, boys, you are divine. You should do stand-up comedy or something like that…"

Finally, they managed to get the bike as much together so Sirius could fill its tank up and drive a bit, and he was absolutely ecstatic about it.

Regulus felt slightly relieved that nothing serious evolved out of Ava's and Sirius' flirty remarks, even though he was unsure whether it was because she was a _muggle_ or because Sirius would spend a lot more time with her if they started dating for real.

It was early August, and at some point, Sirius realized that Regulus' fifteenth birthday was approaching in large steps.

Merlin, Regulus would be fifteen soon. His little brother, already so grown up. Sirius smiled at the memory of his brother being just born when he'd first seen him. His mother had shown him the baby, and he'd been slightly confused at first, having imagined getting an older brother somehow, one he could play with.

But he had soon grown to love the baby more than anything else.

On their birthdays, they had always gotten very expensive presents. Something special, sometimes toys, but more often than not something _worthy of a Black_ , meaning Dark Arts books (even when they had still been young children), family heirlooms, or some other objects that represented their status in some way.

It had always been all about being a Black and a pureblood. Their parents had represented that with their presents. It had not really been about them. Sirius and Regulus had been like special little princes, more important than the others, not because they were loved, but because their blood was purer than the others'. Other children might have thought they were being spoiled, but Sirius hadn't felt like he was. It had never been anything material that Sirius had longed for.

Sirius didn't want that for his brother's birthday. It would be the first birthday of Regulus' they would spend together since Regulus had become twelve. And even then, they had already been so estranged from each other that they had barely talked during the summer holidays anyway.

But this year Sirius wanted something special. He wanted to present his brother with a special experience rather than an inanimate object. Something they both could cherish as a memory.

Then, suddenly, Sirius had an idea. Lily had told James and him once about moving pictures the muggles produced, but not like in the daily prophet but gigantic, in a big room. He wanted to see this. He wanted Regulus to see it. Maybe then, Reg would understand that there were more wonders out there than just magic. That the muggles had their own world with its own treasures, its own adventures.

So he created a plan in his mind. He wrote a letter to Lily and asked her where exactly they could find the big moving pictures she had talked of, and he was absolutely excited by the brilliance of his birthday present. Maybe they could all go, James, Lily, him and Regulus. He owed James anyway.

A day later a letter came back, with Lily explaining to him that the 'big moving pictures place' was actually called cinemaand that they could be found almost everywhere, in every larger muggle city. So Sirius invited her and James gallantly to the cinema thing to accompany him and his brother. He wanted to keep it a secret until Reg's birthday arrived, and then surprise him with the cinema experience as a present.

The sooner the day came, Regulus grew more suspicious of Sirius' behaviour because of the great inflow of owl post Sirius received each morning but Sirius pretended it was all James, even though Regulus clearly could distinguish the different owls. But he shrugged it off. He knew Sirius was planning something, but then again, when wasn't Sirius planning? It was probably just a prank or something like that.

The morning of his little brother's birthday, Sirius woke Regulus up by jumping on his bed and tickling him awake mercilessly. Regulus burst into high, shrieking laughter, begging Sirius to stop while doubling over, laughing tears. The sweet sounds were contagious, and Sirius found himself laughing right along with Regulus, loving the sight of his little brother being happy.

"Happy birthday little brother," Said Sirius after he had taken pity on Regulus and had stopped tickling him.

Sirius had made pancakes, and the smell pervaded the small cottage, making Regulus' mouth water. They had had Regulus' favourite meal for lunch and afterwards, they had flown on their brooms for a while, and it had seemed like a pretty normal day would follow. Regulus hadn't really expected anything special to happen and was therefore completely flabbergasted as Sirius announced he had a surprise waiting for Regulus, and that Reg should get ready and come with him.

Regulus followed Sirius out of the house and over the meadows, and at their usual apparition point just outside of the protective wards Sirius took his hands and they disapparated, their world disappearing into a whirl of colours.

They reappeared in a quieter corner of a busy street, traffic was heavy and everywhere were muggles walking around busily, minding their own business as usual. Sirius turned and led Reg to walk next to him along the foot-walk, searching the crowd. Soon Sirius spotted whom he had been searching, smiled and waved. Then Regulus spotted James standing on the other side of the street, and he looked at his brother quizzically. Was James the surprise? Really? But before Regulus could get annoyed, Sirius had dragged him across the street.

"Really, Sirius! Be careful, will you! There's a pelican crossing right over there!" A red-haired girl admonished, shaking her head at Sirius as they reached the other side of the street. Then she extended her hand to Reg.

"Hey, Regulus. I'm Lily Evans." Regulus shook her hand politely, thinking he had seen her before, somewhere.

"Hello."

"You might've seen me hanging around with your brother in Hogwarts. I'm in Sirius' year, at Hogwarts." She smiled.

"Yeah… I think I've seen you." Regulus said lamely. Strangely, he had thought he'd seen her hang around with Severus at some point, but he could have been mistaken. Regulus looked around, he was still trying to figure out what they were doing here. But before he could come to any conclusions, Sirius' voice jolted him out of his thoughts.

"So, Reg. We've got a surprise for you. Lily has told us once about the moving- err, cinema thing, and we'll look at that now." Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

Lily snickered. "What Sirius meant is that your birthday present will be to watch a movie in a cinema with us. It's a muggle thing, and, obviously, it doesn't exist in any form in the wizarding world, so you all will have the experience of your lives now." She grinned and brushed a strand of red hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. "This is so exciting. I mean, I've grown up with movies, but you see one for the first time. This will be great."

Lily led them to a building with a huge, old-fashioned neon sign beyond the entrance. After they went in and waited in a line for some minutes, more and more people were streaming into the entrance room. Lily was getting them tickets and she advised the others to get each of them a portion of popcorn and something to drink.

Sirius was awkwardly fumbling with the muggle money, trying to guess how much each note would get them (he still wasn't good with muggle money – really, those notes looked all the same!), and finally, he just laid his whole wallet onto the counter, confused by the funny looks the muggles gave him.

Fortunately, Lily came to their help, holding the tickets in her hands. She had laughed as she spotted them helplessly in the crowd, blocking the traffic, standing out with their confused faces and their awkward postures, looking uncertainly around waiting for her to come and tell them what to do. They were totally helpless without her. She took enough money out of Sirius' wallet to cover for all the stuff they had bought and then led them to a large, dark room already filled to the bursting point with people who were expectantly looking at the huge screen in front of them. They sat down just in time to see the screen in front of them come alive and announce in huge, yellow letters the words "STAR WARS – It is a period of civil war…"

The movie thing was fascinating. Regulus, Sirius, and James stared at the screen, watching the moving pictures with open mouths, loudly emitting sounds of surprise, awe, and shock. Thrilled with the plot, they forgot everything else around them. It was like magic. On their heels they were watching the events, eating their popcorn like robots without taking their eyes from the screen, and then, at the end, they still stared at the screen for what seemed like forever even though the pictures had faded already, the lights had come back on and floods of people were leaving the room. Sirius, Regulus, James, and Lily were still sitting in their seats, the boys astonished, their minds still captivated by the events they had just witnessed.

The crowd still surged through the doors, and Lily advised them to wait a few moments until the room had cleared and they could leave it without being pushed outside. Lily smiled at the boys' childlike gaping, then, she motioned for them to get up as well. They were snowed under popcorn and had to shake their arms and legs a few times to get rid of the last pieces that were sticking stubbornly on their clothes, and some even in their hair.

" _That_ was totally _awesome_!" James exclaimed as soon as they stood outside again, on the pavement next to the still very busy street. It had gotten dark by now, and the lights of the city were blinking and shining.

Sirius and Regulus just nodded. They were still in awe of what they had just experienced, speechlessly gaping, now and then looking back towards the cinema in wonder.

"I'm glad you liked it. I go here quite a few times during the holidays." Lily said, happy that the boys had liked the little excursion into the muggle world.

"And how did you like it, Regulus?" She asked the birthday child.

Regulus' thoughts were still captivated by the movies' plot, and he searched for words for a moment. "I think it was… fantastic. It was like magic! Does that really exist in the muggle world, space ships?" Regulus asked in an excited voice.

"It does, there have been quite a few developments during the last years, and humans have already been on the moon and even walked on it. Battles in space are just fiction, though." She grinned. "But I must admit, this movie was really extraordinary awesome, one of the best I've seen in a long time!"

"And how does the story continue?" Sirius asked curiously.

"I don't know. Maybe they'll make a sequel." Lily answered.

The boys awed in unison. They talked for a bit, accompanying Lily back to where she lived. They stayed a bit at her place, played exploding snap and talked about the movie, for her sister and parents weren't home and it was holidays anyway.

It was a really strange feeling to know that Lily was muggleborn, and at the same time, Regulus didn't feel bothered by it at all. A few months earlier and he would _never_ have considered spending time with someone of her likes, and now he found himself listening to her stories eagerly when she told them how she worked in a small café over the summer and told them about all the different sorts of muggle coffee…

It felt different than getting to know Ava, because Ava was a muggle, and knew nothing about the wizarding world and all the conflicts it beheld. She just assumed that Regulus and Sirius were muggles as well (even though _queer fishes_ ) and treated them like they were equals.

And Lily did the same, even though unlike Ava she _knew_ the difference between muggles and wizards. And Lily was a witch, wasn't she? She had to be. And who would she have stolen her magic from, how his parents would have accused her? It didn't make any sense.

"… it truly is awesome to be allowed to do magic outside of school now. My parents are absolutely fascinated by it, and sometimes I use a few charms to make them a present or clean up – they can't get enough of it, it's so funny! Except for Petunia, who's always complaining that I should do the housework the _right_ way. She's… well, let's not talk about her." Lily answered to a question James had asked.

"You don't get along?" Regulus asked curiously, ignoring her wanting to avoid the topic.

"Not too much… We were close as children, but then, at some point, she … she said I was a freak for being able to do magic. Sometimes she can be really mean…"

James bristled. "You're not a freak!"

Lily smiled at him lightly. "It's okay. She's just a bit unsure of herself sometimes, and automatically condemns everything that's strange to her. But she's still my sister, and I love her. She's just a bit difficult sometimes."

"Could you imagine how awesome it would be to fly with a star ship? It would be a whole new dimension of flying! And did you see how they destroyed the Death Star? I thought they wouldn't be able to do it on time!" Regulus breathed, still totally excited.

The movie had been all he'd talked about today, and even yesterday evening after they'd gotten home Sirius almost had to force his brother to lie down and finally go to sleep after they had talked hours and hours, both still being very excited about their recent muggle experience.

"Oh, I saw it alright. I thought I'd get a heart attack, that's how close it was!" Sirius exclaimed happily from his favourite armchair.

"Merlin, I wish all I could do for the rest of my life was watching movies. There must be so many we don't know if it's true what Lily says and there are hundreds of different ones in the cinema each year!" Regulus said, extending his arms and falling backwards onto the couch.

"Man, I wish that too. I wish they would install a cinema at Hogwarts. How could we not have known of this before?" Sirius said in a dreamy voice, slumping comfortably in his armchair, his legs crossed, a bowl of sweets in his lap.

"Do you know why there are no such things like movies in the wizarding world? I mean, we've never even heard of it and for muggles it seems to be something that's totally normal." Regulus wondered.

"No, I don't know. I wondered that too. Maybe it's just not necessary to have wizarding cinemas. Movies are already so great, they don't need magic to improve them, or to make them more fun. So maybe the wizards that want to see a movie just visit the muggle cinemas." Sirius contemplated, unwrapping a lemon drop and popping it into his mouth.

Regulus thought about that. Magic wasn't necessary for movies, they were like magic themselves. Just that they weren't, they were made by muggles. And still they were so awesome.

Maybe muggles simply had other ways to make things appear magical.

"Can we do it some more these holidays?" Regulus turned onto his stomach and put his elbows on the armrest, looking at his brother with his big puppy dog eyes.

Sirius flashed him a broad grin. "If you behave." He said jokingly.

"You're such a broomhead, Sirius!" Regulus grinned right back and threw a pillow at his brother. Sirius caught it mid-air and threw it right back, laughing about the absurd word.

Regulus turned on his back again and looked up to the vault, watching the timber's shadows flicker in rhythm with the sounds of the fire crackling next to him. His thoughts wandered back to the days when he hadn't behaved. The day he'd provoked his brother with the word _mudblood_ until Sirius had smacked him crept up in his mind. He grimaced at the memory, his ears burning slightly.

How he had defended the idea of pure-blood wizards being superior to muggleborns. How he had thought that muggles were like animals, worthless scum.

Regulus thought of Mathilda. He had thought quite a bit about her during the last weeks, how she had helped him to get home. He would like to thank her again. She hadn't judged him at all, even though he was a runaway and could have been potentially dangerous. She wasn't scum, how his parents would have called her, without even knowing her, but just based on the fact that she was a muggle. She had been friendlier than most of the pure-blood wizards he'd met in his life. And she had helped him without expecting anything back. Possibly saving his life doing so. She hadn't cared that he was a wizard and she wasn't.

So why did he care? Why should he care? What did it matter at all?

His parents had always said that muggles were stupid. But they created wonderful things like movies and space ships, so they couldn't be, could they? His mother had always been extremely disgusted by crowds, and yeah, it was different, there just were so many muggles in some areas that they easily created crowds.

 _They are like rats, it is disgusting how they are verminously polluting each and every place as if they owned it._

But in the ministry, it wasn't much better. Or on the platform in King's Cross. Or in Diagon Alley, when everyone bought school stuff at the end of August. It wasn't that wizards didn't stupidly bump into each other, only minding their own business, they just didn't form crowds as often because there weren't as many wizards as there were muggles.

Regulus thought of his mother. He'd always believed each and every word she'd said, simply because she was his mother, and she was everything he considered powerful and important. Her vast knowledge of the Dark Arts had impressed him, and how everyone in the wizarding society (or at least the wizarding families they interacted with) considered her almost royal and was awestruck in her presence. He had always thought that if everyone was considering his mother important and influential, everything she'd said would have to be right, right?

But maybe he'd been wrong. Because now he knew that muggles weren't stupid, and they weren't dangerous either, not more or less than anyone else. Why were they considered a threat? Why was muggle influence automatically considered a bad influence?

Mathilda's influence on his life hadn't been bad, without her, Regulus didn't know where he would have ended up. Ava had been nothing but nice to them, and the movie's influence hadn't been a bad one either, it had been fun and eye-opening. Muggles were not scum. The thought that had once been branded so firmly into his mind now seemed cruel and wrong.

Regulus swallowed thickly.

Had it all been a lie? How could that be? How could it be that they hadn't known about the wonders the muggle world contained? What was there they had yet to see? What else was there to experience? What else didn't they know about? Suddenly all the muggle-born students seemed to be like doors to another world, being able to tell them about things they never would've dreamed of.

Science. Was it equal to magic? Was it better? On what were they missing out?

The name of the House of Black. _Toujours pur._ What did it really mean? Was it glory and superiority or was it cruelty and madness?

Regulus thought about Bellatrix hexing his brother. He thought about his mother and father, and where previously had been deep respect and admiration were now questions and doubt.

He wished his parents weren't dead, so he could ask them why.

Ask the questions Sirius had asked. And had been beaten for. Maybe he'd been beaten because they didn't have any answers other than violence for his questions. Had Sirius been right all the time?

Sirius. He'd still been a child, much younger than Regulus was now, but already so strong. Much stronger than Regulus. Where had Sirius found the strength to confront them? His big brother, suddenly appearing like a hero with superpowers to Regulus. How had Sirius endured it, the beatings, the insults, the constant abuse?

Regulus turned his head and looked upside down at his brother, who was sitting there, in his armchair, popping sweets into his mouth.

"What?" Sirius mumbled, his mouth so full he could barely speak.

Regulus thought for a moment. Should he talk to Sirius about this now? He watched his brother happily pushing another sweet into his mouth, although there could barely be any space left in his hamster cheeks.

"Thank you for bringing me here," Regulus said simply. Maybe Sirius would understand without many words. He didn't want to bring back bad memories right now.

Sirius looked at him surprised, but then a warm glimmer found its way into his eyes. He tried for a smile, but just then the acid pop he'd just pushed into his mouth fell out again. Regulus burst into laughter.

Sirius quickly put a hand in front of his mouth to prevent any more sweets escaping, but the skin around his eyes was crinkling and a deep chuckling sound was coming from his throat.

Friday evening, Sirius and Regulus were sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner, as an owl arrived, carrying a letter for Sirius.

Sirius took it and read it silently. Regulus observed how the emotions on his brother's face changed from surprise, excitement and then the try to conceal his obvious emotions better. Sirius looked up at Regulus, tried for a halfway straight face, and spoke, slowly.

"Err… This is a letter from James. He's… uh… invited me for tonight." Sirius said.

Regulus looked at him questioningly. "So…?"

"Err, I … I'm going, but you can't, not tonight. Is that okay? I mean, you're fifteen, I can leave you alone for a bit, can I?" Sirius asked.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. That was new. Sirius had never left him alone until now, and even though he generally didn't mind an evening alone, Sirius' behaviour was somehow making him suspicious.

"What are you going to do?" Regulus asked curiously.

"We are… err, doing, err playing… exploding snap. We do that sometimes." Sirius said lamely.

"Really," Regulus' eyes narrowed. "And why can't I go with you?" It wasn't as if he really wanted to go because if his brother was just meeting James he didn't want to be the fifth wheel, but he didn't believe Sirius for a second. His brother was a bad liar.

"It would get too late," Sirius said decidedly. "You're just fifteen."

"How long are you going to stay away?" Regulus asked.

"The whole night, I guess."

"Then why don't you invite James here? We could play exploding snap together." Regulus was growing more and more annoyed. He knew his brother was lying to him, definitely. If Sirius was really going to play exploding snap the whole night with James, Regulus was going to eat his broomstick.

"I don't want you to be bothered by the noise. We'd have to be very quiet here with you sleeping, so…"

Regulus snorted a bit. Sirius looked at him confusedly but then continued to eat his spaghetti. After dinner, he didn't talk much with Sirius and mostly stayed in his room. He didn't want to be lied to anymore.

Around nine, Sirius knocked on Regulus' bedroom door and stepped inside. Regulus sat at his desk, trying to do some homework he'd been given in Transfiguration over the holidays. Usually, he would've asked Sirius to help him with it, for it was Sirius' favourite subject and Sirius always had tons and tons of stories in store about some pranks they had pulled on Professor McGonagall or funny anecdotes related to whatever transfiguration topic he just learned about. But today, Regulus didn't feel like listening to that at all. It was difficult enough to keep the scowl that constantly loomed behind his forced neutral expression out of his face each time he spoke to Sirius that evening.

"I'm going, then," Sirius said. "Behave while I'm away. Don't stay up too late, and no flying at night. Don't go outside at all. Just… go to bed. I'll be back in the morning, okay?" Sirius shot him a grin.

"Yeah. Have fun." Regulus said sarcastically. By now, he was pretty angry at Sirius. Did Sirius think he was that stupid? His brother didn't even try to think of a better cover for whatever he was going to do.

But Sirius didn't hear the sarcasm dripping from his little brother's voice nor did he realize the morose expression darkening Regulus' face.

"Thanks! Sleep well. See you!" Sirius smiled and left the room. Shortly after, Regulus heard the front door closing. He got up and went to the window, watching his brother disapparate a few hundred yards away.

He felt the immense urge to break something. But then again, it wouldn't make sense to throw a tantrum now that he was all alone here. Regulus bit his lip and turned away from the window, sliding to the ground. What was Sirius up to?

Regulus knew that, logically, Sirius didn't have to explain his actions to him, he was the older one and the one in charge.

But being lied to stung. Somewhere in his heart, it really hurt, and it made him angry. He knew that Sirius was an adult and he wasn't, but they were brothers, shouldn't they be honest with each other? Regulus kicked his desk chair but winced as his toes hit the hard wood.

Regulus left his room and went into the living room, sitting down in front of the fireplace. He stared into the flames, thinking, feeling very unhappy, and wondered what Sirius was doing now. He hadn't taken anything with him, not the Exploding Snap cards, not even his backpack.

Regulus looked over to the door. _Don't go outside_.

Well, if Sirius lied to him, then he could lie to him too. He could have a fun night as well, and not tell Sirius about it. It was just fair.

 _Do not, ever, lie to me. Trust is the basis of our relationship._

Yeah. Trust. Regulus' jaw tightened. Sirius was such a hypocrite. Sirius hadn't even thought about telling him the truth. Regulus would've even preferred Sirius to tell him it was none of his business what he was going to do tonight than treating him like he was stupid. But Sirius had lied to him, and he hadn't even tried to at least think of a good lie to make Regulus feel better. He hadn't taken Regulus' feelings into consideration at all.

 **A/N: I'm so sorry, the update is a day late. The next one will happen sooner, I promise. This chapter is kinda choppy, at least it feels like that to me, but I just wanted to get it done now. I hope you liked it anyway.**


	14. Trust

Regulus thought about the letter. Was it still here? What had Sirius done with it? He got up, slowly approached the waste bin and looked inside. No letter. That meant if Sirius hadn't burnt it, he'd taken it into his room.

Without thinking twice about it, Regulus headed to Sirius' room. Switched the lights on. The room was a mess, as usual, but there, on top of the books on Sirius' bookshelf next to the bed, Regulus spotted the letter.

Tentatively Regulus took and unfolded it. It really was from James, Sirius hadn't lied about that at least. But as Regulus' eyes scanned over the lines, his face changed to a very cross expression.

He'd known it. Sirius had lied about what he was doing.

No word of playing Exploding Snap, just the cryptic words

" _It's nicely bright outside. Meet us at 10 at Moony's. James"_

What the hell was that supposed to mean? _It's nicely bright outside…_ That meant they would do something outside, most likely. Regulus thought about some strange rumours Severus had spread over a year ago about Sirius and his friends. As if they regularly sneaked out of the castle at night, up to something.

But when Regulus had asked what he meant with that, Severus had just sneered and kept his words vague, what was uncharacteristic for Severus, because if he really _knew_ something he could hold against Sirius and his friends, Severus would definitely have publicised it.

And then again, Severus had told him a lot of things during his time at Hogwarts, especially about his brother. Contradicting, weird things. Most of which Regulus had thought was rubbish. And some things on which Regulus now wished he had broached the subject again.

At first, Regulus felt the urge to rip the letter apart, or to keep it and confront Sirius with it when he came back.

But then again, he didn't want to get into trouble. And he knew he wasn't supposed to sneak around in Sirius' room. It had been one of the few things that had always riled Sirius up, even when they had still been children.

Speaking of sneaking around… Regulus let his eyes wander over Sirius' possessions. Sneaking around would be a great payback as well. That's what Sirius got for leaving him alone here!

Regulus put the letter back exactly how he had found it, and then went over to Sirius' trunk. It was a complete mess, and Regulus rummaged around in it a bit.

He found several objects that seemed strange, like an empty piece of parchment, an ancient looking knife, and a shimmering ball, approximately the size of a snitch. But then again, they were probably prank objects.

Regulus felt around at the bottom of the trunk, and then he felt the surface's texture change in a squarish area.

A secret compartment.

Regulus hauled all the stuff Sirius kept in his trunk out and threw it on the floor. Then, carefully, he opened the newfound compartment.

He pulled out thin, wooden stick. His wand.

Regulus' eyebrows furrowed. Sirius had still had his wand, Regulus had totally forgotten about that. Sirius had taken it, and not given it back.

Regulus let his fingers slide over the smooth wooden handle. His wand had always been beautiful, and he loved holding it in his hand, just looking at it, feeling its energy. And right now he felt that again. He realized how much he had missed his wand, how he had missed being able to do magic.

Didn't Sirius trust him with it? Regulus knew that when he first got here, Sirius had taken his wand to prevent Regulus to use it for attacking him or for an escape.

But Sirius knew now that Regulus would never do that. He would never cast a spell at his brother. This was his home now. So why did Sirius keep it? Did Sirius think he was a dark wizard and tried to keep him from practising dark magic?

Regulus sat down on the wooden floor and leaned his back against Sirius' bed. He regarded his wand. It was made of cypress, had a beautiful brown colour, and a twisted design throughout its length, growing broader towards the handle. The handle itself had the design of the rippled tip of a dragon's wing. The core was dragon heartstring, just like the core of Sirius' wand.

Merlin, he loved his wand. It felt so familiar, so right, fitting perfectly in his hand. The magic pulsated through his veins into his fingers and from there into the wand, and it came to life, he could feel it, like an extended part of himself, he felt his magic float into the tip, concentrating, centralising.

Why had Sirius kept him from having it? From some strange reason, Regulus felt immensely hurt. Sirius had said trust was the basis of their relationship. _Do not lie to me._

But Sirius didn't trust him one bit.

It hurt because Regulus trusted his brother. Because he loved him and he wanted Sirius to trust him as well. Hadn't Sirius said everything was forgiven after that night a few weeks ago? That they would start anew? So what had he done to make his brother distrust him?

Had it something to do with Sirius taking this guardianship thing so seriously? But that didn't excuse lying.

Regulus gritted his teeth. Sirius had lied to him, so he would lie to Sirius as well. He wouldn't leave his wand here, he would keep it. It was only fair.

Regulus looked around in the room. His eyes came to rest on Sirius' history of magic homework. Regulus felt a grim satisfaction rise up in him as he took it and transfigured it to look exactly like his wand. Proudly Regulus examined it. His transfiguration skills were still on fleek.

That would teach Sirius to treat him like a stupid child. Regulus grinned maliciously as put the fake wand back into the secret compartment inside of Sirius' trunk, then he threw all the stuff he'd previously pulled out back inside, not caring much about doing it neatly. He didn't think Sirius would notice any difference from the mess he usually kept in his trunk.

After that, Regulus took his wand and put it into his own trunk in his bedroom, he hid it carefully under his school robes. Then Regulus went back into his brother's room, pulled the broom out from under Sirius' bed and went outside to fly a bit.

Regulus pushed himself up from the ground and into the nightly air. At first, he stayed obediently inside of the magical wards, but then he figured it was night and the muggles wouldn't be able to see him fly anyway, thanks to the darkness.

Flying was awesome, just like it always was. Mixed with the spicy feeling of mischief and the thrill of doing something forbidden, it probably felt even better than it usually did.

Regulus tried a few stunts, and after he was tired of doing that, he decided to fly along the beach for a bit. The moon was full and stood high on the clear nightly sky, shining down on the waters behind the cottage, making them appear like a lake out of pure, shining silver while bathing the area around him in a white-silver glow, illuminating it, making it almost as easy for Regulus to direct his flight as if it was bright day. For a second he wished he could share this beautiful moment with Sirius, but he quickly banished the thought from his mind.

It was Sirius' own fault that he wasn't here with him right now.

Regulus circled the beach a few times and then returned to the cottage. He softly landed on the top of the cottage's roof and just sat there for a while, regarding the pattern of the roofing tiles that silhouetted sharply in the silvery moonlight, letting his mind come to a rest.

Suddenly he spotted something fly towards him. A ministry owl. With a letter.

Before he even got the chance to take it, the letter enfolded itself and a shrill voice resounded.

" _Dear Mr. Black, the Ministry has received intelligence that at ten thirty-six, this evening, you performed a transfiguration spell. As a violation of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery, you hereby receive a first official warning._

 _Hoping you are well, Isolde Henbane"_

Regulus' snatched the letter angrily out of the air and ripped it to tiny pieces, then he threw them high in the air and watched the wind carry the small pieces away. This was again Sirius' fault. Had Sirius been at home, the ministry wouldn't have been able to identify the spell as performed by Regulus and thereby he wouldn't have gotten a warning.

He sighed. It was way past midnight, and he wondered what Sirius was doing right now. Together with James and _Mooney_ and whoever else might be invited.

Regulus let his feet dangle from the roof. His own friends hadn't written him a single time during the holidays, and it was just three weeks left until school started again. But on the other hand, he hadn't written them either. And he'd never been as close with his friends as Sirius was with his. Sirius' friends were like a second family to him, whereas to Regulus, his friends were just that – friends. Nothing more.

Maybe Sirius would prefer to spend his holidays with James and his other friends rather than with him. Or with the Potters. Regulus felt the nasty feeling of jealousy creep up inside of him again. Who was he anyway? The little annoying Slytherin brother?

It wasn't as if he hadn't noticed that Sirius and his friends identified very strongly with the house of Gryffindor. And he had observed how they treated Slytherins in general – as if they were inferior to them, Gryffindors were the good ones and Slytherin the bad ones who couldn't be trusted.

 _Trust is the basis of our relationship._

 _All Slytherins are evil._

Did Sirius think he was evil? Did he think he was inferior to him because he was a Slytherin? Was he ashamed of him?

Sirius hadn't talked much to him during his time at Hogwarts. Alright, he had avoided Sirius as well, and they had ceased talking completely after Sirius had left their home to go and live with the Potters. But the sorting ceremony had been the final turning point in their relationship.

How Sirius had looked at him. With a tinge of disappointment, and then his eyes had gone cold. Slytherin. The epitome of everything Sirius rejected.

It had been the day they had ceased being brothers altogether. It had been as if Regulus had made a decision. As if he had chosen his parents and the family's traditions, and had made clear distinctions between himself and his brother. And he had.

 _We put all our hope in you, Regulus. Your brother has proven himself worthless. Don't disappoint us as well._

He had made a _decision_. But he hadn't had a _choice_ , not really. Sirius had never understood it. He had never understood him. After Sirius had gone his own way, egoistically, not caring about anything else, it had been up to Regulus to pick up the pieces. The pressure his parents, especially his mother, had put on him had been immense. He had had to rehabilitate the family's reputation. Mark Sirius as an abomination, as something out of the norm.

 _I see a huge amount of courage and loyalty, just like your mind is sharp and your thirst for knowledge insatiable. Are you sure you want Slytherin? You possess a need to prove yourself worthy, that's true. And Slytherin would bring greatness with it. But what about happiness?_

He had begged that damned hat to put him in Slytherin. He had wanted to make his parents proud.

And then he'd seen the expression in Sirius' eyes after the hat had announced his decision, the glimmer of disappointment in them. And how quickly Sirius had looked away as if he wasn't interested at all, as if he didn't care at all. As if they had nothing to do with each other.

 _We are nothing like each other, Regulus. You chose them, now you've got them._

And now Sirius was hanging out with his Gryffindor friends. Not wanting to drag his little Slytherin brother along with him, because he wouldn't belong. Regulus never seemed to really belong anywhere.

"Have you seen my History of Magic essay?"

Sirius had been searching for his homework since over half an hour, he had turned the whole cottage upside down by now. He had tried summoning it, he had searched for it everywhere. This couldn't be real. It was nowhere to be found. Would he really have to do it all over again?

"No," Regulus answered curtly.

"It's a large pile of parchments, about seven or eight pages at least…" It was unbelievable. It had to be somewhere! Sirius paced up and down in the living room. He had been almost finished. Just about two more pages and the worst part of his holiday homework would've been over.

"No, I haven't! Now stop bothering me!" Regulus snarled from the armchair he had curled himself up in, a large, ancient-looking book hiding his face.

Sirius' eyebrows furrowed. "Mind your tone." He said sternly. He went back into the kitchen, checked in the waste bin and on the kitchen counter for, what he felt, the hundredth time.

He hadn't taken the homework outside, had he? No. He was sure he'd left it on his desk the day before yesterday, he'd worked on it shortly before he'd left for Remuses.

"Fine," Regulus responded brazenly, clapped his book shut and left the room, fuming.

Sirius stared after him. Regulus had been acting strange the last two days. Actually, since he'd gotten the letter from James, but he hadn't realized it until yesterday afternoon after he'd had a good night's sleep. Regulus had avoided Sirius, had spent most of the time in his room and Sirius almost had to force him to spend some time with him in the living room.

Maybe Reg had… but no. Reg would never do that. Why should he hide his homework? Especially after Reg knew how hard Sirius had worked on it. Sirius banned the thought from his mind. He had no reason to think it had been his brother, and to assume it would've been him just because Sirius had lost his homework would be unfair.

Sirius sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, brushing his fringe out of his face. Then he slowly went towards Regulus' room. At the door, he paused and knocked softly.

"No!" Regulus' angry voice resounded from behind the closed door. Sirius knitted his brows and opened the door anyway.

"Haven't I made it clear enough that I don't want to be disturbed?" Regulus snapped. He was sitting on the floor in front of his trunk but slammed it shut as soon as Sirius stepped in, closed the door and leant against it.

"What's got your wand in a twist today?" Sirius asked bewildered, but Regulus could clearly hear some worry resonate in his brother's voice.

"I just want a moment of peace. Is that too much to ask for?"

Sirius ignored Regulus' question. He knew there was more behind Regulus' behaviour than just wanting a moment of peace.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want us to be cross with each other." Sirius slowly took a few steps towards Regulus and sat down next to him on the wooden floor, crossing his legs.

"Hey. Talk to me," Sirius said softly.

Regulus felt a tinge of guilt crawl around in his stomach, but he decided to ignore it. He shrugged his shoulders. "I wouldn't know about what." He answered flatly.

Regulus watched his brother's shoulders slump slightly. "Have I done something wrong?" Sirius asked him, his voice almost a whisper, sounding vulnerable all of a sudden. "I'm sorry that I annoyed you, I just… this essay really cost me a lot of time and energy. And it's frustrating that it's gone, that I lost it. It's not your fault, and I'm sorry that I was short with you."

Regulus averted his eyes, studying the floorboards on the ground, the dust that had collected itself in between the narrow gaps. The feeling of guilt inside of his stomach grew larger and formed itself into a tight knot.

So he just nodded, not looking at his brother. Maybe he should stop being so cold to Sirius. Because he'd paid him back, hadn't he? They were even, kind of.

He forced himself to quirk the corners of his mouth up to something that he hoped looked like a smile.

"It's okay." He said in a lighter voice than how he felt. Nothing was okay.

Sirius' expression relaxed, and relief washed over his face. He flashed Regulus a bright smile.

"Do you want a cup of tea, later?" He asked gently.

Regulus nodded again and his smile became more genuine, he couldn't help it with Sirius looking at him like that. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Sirius' smile broadened, and a loving expression entered his eyes as he looked at his little brother. It felt like Christmas each time he was able to make Regulus smile.

"In half an hour?" Sirius asked.

"Okay."

Sirius pushed himself up from the ground, ruffled Regulus' hair affectionately and left the room, his pace light and carefree again.

Suddenly, hot, bitter shame washed over Regulus.

He wished dearly he could just undo the past two days. He shouldn't have taken Sirius' essay. Sirius would have never done something like that to him, so why had he? Regulus sucked at the inside of his teeth, lost in thought. Then he went over to his trunk, opened it. Rummaged around in it, and finally found what he'd searched.

His wand.

Should he confess to Sirius? But then the last bit of trust Sirius had in him would be destroyed. Sirius wouldn't trust him again, even though Regulus yearned for Sirius' trust and approval.

Maybe he should sneak into Sirius' bedroom and just transform the homework back. There might be a chance of Sirius not noticing him sneaking into his room and performing the spell. It would be quick. The Ministry would be none the wiser as well, for Sirius was at home and they wouldn't know who had performed the spell.

But Sirius had searched for the essay everywhere. He would immediately know that Regulus had taken the essay and had just been too cowardly to confess to him.

Was he?

 _No. I'm not a coward._

So Regulus sat there, on the floor of his bedroom, his wand in his hands, cudgelling his brains about what to do.

Half an hour later, Sirius called him for tea. Heavy-hearted, Regulus got up and put his wand in the waistband of his trousers. Then he joined Sirius in the living room. Regulus' senses already perceived the sweet scent of tea before he reached the room, and he couldn't help but feel even worse as soon as he saw how nicely Sirius had decorated the coffee table, how his brother had put little bowls with Regulus' favourite biscuits and chocolate next to the cups filled with the sweet-smelling, hot tea.

Sirius had already sat down in his favourite armchair next to the fireplace and motioned for Regulus to sit down as well. Regulus obeyed, but the knot in his stomach grew by every minute he watched Sirius smile happily at him and tell him about some funny types of tea he had tried with James once in Hogsmeade.

"You wouldn't believe it, but in Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, normal tea is sorted under _'tea taste'_. The other sorts aren't tea-like in the least, there is _bubblegum taste_ , _steamed steak taste_ , _coffee taste_ – I wondered whether that wasn't a contradiction, but she said it was tea with the effects, the taste and the looks of coffee. But isn't that coffee then?" Sirius chattered away happily, only pausing to take a sip of his tea. "Anyway, the funny one James and I tried was _Parchment taste._ It tasted as if someone had dunked an old, dusty page of parchment into flat water, just worse, and the aftertaste was awful. The only person I could imagine drinking that voluntarily was Professor Binns, and just because he's a ghost and therefore doesn't have any taste buds. But Madam Puddifoot assured us that there could actually customers be found for this type who were quite fond of it."

"Maybe Madam Pince?" Regulus mused. The new librarian seemed like the kind of person who would enjoy parchment taste tea.

Sirius snorted with laughter, spilling some tea on the floor. "Right! I didn't think about her, but yeah!"

Regulus watched him intently. His older brother, Sirius. It seemed so natural to sit together and listen to him chatter about random things. Two months earlier, he wouldn't have believed it to be possible. He wouldn't even have wanted it.

And now he couldn't miss it, not again. _Trust is the basis of our relationship._

"Do you trust me, Sirius?" He asked suddenly, the knot in his stomach growing unbearable. He wanted Sirius to trust him, but Sirius didn't deserve to be deceived.

Sirius blinked for a second at the sudden change of topic but then smiled. "Yeah, I do." His eyes honest.

Regulus swallowed heavily, set his cup of tea down on the coffee table and then put his feet on the couch and curled his knees to his chest.

"I need to tell you something." He said in a small voice.

Sirius' smile faltered as he saw Regulus' anxious expression. He put his cup down as well, leaning slightly forward. Waiting.

Regulus opened his mouth and closed it again, searching for words. Now he wished he'd kept his mouth shut. What if Sirius hated him after he'd told him what he'd done? He risked a quick glance at his brother and saw Sirius looking at him with a serious expression, worry showing in his grey eyes.

"What is it?" Sirius asked hesitantly after Regulus kept silent.

"I … I've done something. Can you promise you won't be angry?" Regulus said, his voice barely audible. He was so scared of his brother shouting at him, sending him away. Deciding he'd had enough of him.

Sirius' stomach turned and he felt his insides tightening. What horrible thing could Regulus have done that he was so afraid he'd be angry?

"I…" Sirius stammered. But a look at Regulus' anxious expression was enough for him to soften. "Just tell me, Reg. I promise I won't yell at you."

Regulus took a deep breath. "I lied to you. I took the essay and my wand." He withdrew his wand and put it on the coffee table.

"Huh," Sirius said, staring at the wand, mouth open. For a moment, he was almost relieved. Regulus hadn't done anything dangerous.

"And your essay is in the hidden compartment in your trunk… It's transfigured to look like my wand." Regulus said softly, then put his arms around his knees and hid his face in them, curling himself into a ball. Now everything was over. Sirius would see that he was just a bother, and if he hadn't thought so previously, he'd think so now, definitely.

"Huh," Said Sirius, again. Then he shook his head as if to himself. "When was that?" He asked, keeping his voice neutral.

"The night you were away. To _play Exploding Snap_." Regulus mumbled, but the last part he said with an edge.

Suddenly Sirius understood. "Do you want to tell me about that night? How did my essay end up disguised as your wand?" He asked, not unfriendly, but decided. "Hey, Reg. Look at me." He said as Regulus just shrugged his shoulders.

"I'd rather not tell you about it," Regulus said as he turned his head a bit, his face still half hidden by his arms, just his large, grey eyes were cautiously fixed upon Sirius.

"And when I ask you friendly? It seems like a rather interesting story to me." Sirius said and tried for an encouraging smile. He'd promised Reg he wouldn't get angry, and he really didn't feel a tinge of anger.

Regulus looked at his brother, slightly confused. Why was Sirius so calm? Why wasn't he shouting at him? Why wasn't he telling him to pack his stuff and get lost?

But Sirius was still sitting in his armchair, just like before, looking at him, expectantly.

"I was pissed at you for leaving like that. So I went into your room and rummaged around, and found my wand. I transfigured your essay and kept the wand in my own trunk." Regulus admitted.

"Is that all?" Sirius asked doubtfully. He could see that Regulus wasn't telling him the whole truth. How Sirius had expected it, Regulus shook his head.

"I went outside and flew on my broom."

Sirius raised his eyebrows slightly. Now that was something that bothered him. But it didn't make him angry, not really. Not after he saw the defeated look on his little brother's face.

Slowly he slid out of his armchair and went over to the couch to his brother who'd hid his face in his arms again. Sirius sat down next to Regulus who shifted away slightly, but Sirius put an arm around his shoulders and drew him near again.

"Thank you for telling me." He said softly.

"At least I won't have to do my History of Magic essay again. I'm really glad about that." Sirius said lightly after Regulus had just shrugged with his shoulders.

"Hey, Reg. Come on, tell me. What is it?" Sirius asked after a short while of silence between them, squeezing his little brother's shoulder gently while keeping him in a one-sided hug.

"I just wanted you to trust me," Regulus said in a low voice.

"But I do trust you," Sirius said, knitting his eyebrows in confusion.

"No, you don't. You told me you were going to James but you lied."

Sirius tensed up at that. How'd Regulus know that?

"I'm not stupid, you know," Regulus mumbled into his arms.

"I know that," Sirius answered, and sighed. "You're right, I lied. I'm sorry. But I can't tell you where I went, even if I wanted to."

"Yeah, because you don't trust me. Because I'm a Slytherin." Regulus said bitterly.

"No, because I can't break a promise. And I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lied. But I can't tell you the truth, really."

"Sure. Whatever." Regulus huffed, his face still hidden.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Hey, that's not how you talk to me right now. Sit up and face me properly." He said in a slightly sterner tone, his lips now pressed together in frustration.

Reluctantly Regulus untangled himself on the couch, setting his feet back onto the ground.

"There are some things I cannot and do not want to share with you, but I do that to protect you. Do you understand that?"

"No," Regulus said with a tinge of attitude.

Sirius sighed at that. "But do you trust me?" He asked, looking his little brother directly in the eye.

Regulus lost the attitude at that. "Yes," He said in a small voice. He trusted Sirius. More than anyone else in the world.

"Then you'll have to trust me to know what's best for you," Sirius explained slowly as he watched his brother's feelings flash over his face, so openly portrayed that he could read each and every one of them.

"I'm sorry that I lied to you. But it does have nothing to do with me not trusting you. I trust you as well, little brother. Very much. And I'm glad you told me… about what you did. That was really brave." Sirius reassured Regulus, gently brushing Reg's curly fringe from his forehead.

"But won't you…?" Regulus' small voice piped up.

"What? Punish you?" Sirius asked.

Regulus grimaced and nodded.

Sirius regarded his little brother. He knew he had to. Even though he really didn't want to do it. But Regulus _had_ lied to him, disobeyed, and put himself in danger by recklessly flying around at night. And he needed to be consistent with him, and if he made rules and didn't follow through with the consequences, what was the point of it at all?

He sighed. "Yeah." Sirius felt Regulus tense up next to him. He gently took hold of his little brother's chin and spoke in a much more serious tone than before.

"I don't want you outside at night, alone. You know that, I've told you that before – and you know flying at night is forbidden as well when I'm not with you. It can be dangerous, you might think you know the area and will be able to fly even though you barely see a thing, but you're mistaken here. You might fall, fly against something, and get hurt. And I would not be able to help you because it's dark outside, I wouldn't find you – therefore, flying at night is only allowed when I'm with you. Understood?"

Regulus nodded against his hand.

Sirius bit his lip and regarded his brother's face for a few seconds. Under other circumstances, this might have been a situation deserving of a severe punishment. Not so much the lying, but the flying and deliberately disobeying. They had discussed that before. But Regulus had confessed it, willingly, and he'd left nothing out, even though he easily could've not told Sirius about the nightly flying.

"A verbal answer, please."

"Yes, I understand," Regulus looked at him worriedly.

Sirius sighed. "No broom for the next three days and an early bedtime today. I'm sorry, Reg, but I did warn you before. Fly without permission, and you won't be allowed to fly at all. And when I tell you to stay inside at night, when I'm away, I expect you to obey me."

Regulus looked at him surprisedly as if having expected something else. "Don't you… Won't you…?"

Sirius knew Regulus had expected a spanking at least. But it didn't seem necessary, not this time. Sirius was sure Reg had learned his lesson, and that was what was most important. And having no broom for three days would be hard enough for his little flying-fanatical brother. He felt so proud that Regulus had felt brave enough to trust him and confess to him what he had done. He grinned at his brother's confused expression.

"Oh, you want a smacking?"

Regulus' eyes grew wide, but before he could react, Sirius had tugged him over his lap and started to whack his little brother's backside with a neck roll pillow he had snatched up from the couch.

"There you go. That'll teach you not to do it again!"

Regulus giggled and tried to push himself up again, but Sirius held him down firmly, and after a few more cushioned whacks, he threw the pillow away, lifted Regulus up to sit next to him and then pulled him into a warm hug.

"And I hope for your sake that I'll be able to transform that essay back, otherwise, I'll tickle you into the ground," Sirius added in a mock threat, lightly tickling Regulus' side.

Regulus giggled against his big brother's chest, hugging him tightly back.

"I love you, little brother. Don't ever doubt that," Sirius whispered into Reg's dark mop of hair.

Regulus felt his heart lighten, and the knots in his stomach disappeared. He wrapped his arms tighter around Sirius.

"I love you too," He murmured into Sirius' shoulder, feeling Sirius' fingers caressing his hair. He relaxed into his brother's warm, protective embrace, not caring in the least that what they just had said sounded incredibly corny and girly and... honest.

Sirius had forgiven him, and he wasn't even angry. He still trusted him. He loved him.

It meant a lot. So much, that Regulus was barely able to grasp it. Love. And he wanted to give Sirius all the love in his world too because that's what his big brother deserved. All his trust. All his love. How much had he missed it. Being loved. Feeling at home with somebody.

He could be a child again, together with Sirius. Sometimes, it felt as if they both were children again, laughing, joking, hugging, feeling loved and accepted. It all seemed so easy. Because, even after all that time, Sirius knew him. The real him. And he knew Sirius. They had nothing to hide.

After some time, they went together to Sirius' room, and Regulus watched as Sirius retrieved the fake wand out of the now not-so-secret-anymore compartment of his trunk and easily transfigured it back to his History of Magic essay, and Sirius didn't seem to mind the corners of the parchment being wrinkled after the transfiguration.

"Do you want me to fetch my wand?" Regulus asked slowly.

"No. You can put it into your own trunk. I should've given it back to you much earlier anyway. But don't let me catch you violate the degree of unreasonable restriction of your connection from brain to wand." Sirius said in mock sternness.

Regulus' face lit up like a Christmas tree. He was allowed to keep his wand! He had expected Sirius to take it away from him for sure, especially after what he had done.

"So, shall we finish our tea? I'm afraid it's cold now, but I suppose I could heat it up again with a quick spell." Sirius suggested and then grinned.

"Because _I_ am allowed to do magic." He teased his little brother.

It was wondrous, how at home he felt here, with Sirius. More than he had ever felt at home anywhere else. Maybe it was because here, he felt, he could be who he really was. They were brothers. There was nothing they had to pretend to be. They could be children if they wanted to, brothers, grown-ups, whatever. It all felt true with Sirius.

The next night, they stayed up long. It was very bright outside, still almost full moon, so the brothers decided to go on a nightly walk along the coast. The moon illuminated the meadows and the sea next to them shone like dark silver, glittering as the soft wind caressed the surface.

At some point, they decided to sit down, looking out towards the waters. They hadn't talked much, both of them simply enjoying each other's company, and listening to the sounds of the night – the wind making the soft grass rustle slightly, and here and there they could hear a bird's wings fluttering or an owl cooing.

"Do you really think there are muggles walking on the moon?" Regulus mused.

"I'm sure there are some – hey, I just saw one!" Sirius pointed to the moon, causing Regulus to turn quickly and look up.

"Where?"

Sirius started to laugh loudly, ruffling his brother's hair affectionately. Regulus blushed at first but then laughed as well.

It was truly idyllic. Regulus lay down on his back and stared up into the starry heavens. He could recognize lots of constellations – Cassiopeia, Andromeda, the big dipper, the small dipper… Their family had always been very enthusiastic about Astronomy, and he and Sirius had made a game out of it, as children, finding each other's stars.

"I can see your star," Regulus smiled, recognizing the star Sirius had been named after brightly shining close to the horizon. Sirius, the brightest of all stars. It had been the first star he had been shown, by his brother. The Dog Star, sitting brightly on the chest of Canis Major.

"And your star's hidden behind the sun," Sirius responded, sitting next to his brother on the soft grass, his head tilted back.

Regulus kept his eyes on the brightest star, then used it to navigate himself from constellation to constellation. Sirius had shown him how to do it when they had still been children, and even though Regulus could tell the star constellations by heart now, he still liked to navigate himself from one to another like Sirius had shown him so many years ago. Near Sirius, he saw Orion, the Hunter's constellation.

Melancholy washed over Regulus.

Orion, his father. He hadn't thought about him for some time. And suddenly he felt awful because of it. How could he forget him so quickly? How could he be happy, even though his parents were dead?

Regulus turned his face away, looking to the dark waters a few yards away from them. He felt his eyes starting to burn but quickly blinked a few times, forcing it away.

"Are you okay, Reg?" Sirius voice from beside him, his brother was studying his face with worry in his eyes.

Regulus sighed. Then looked up into Sirius' eyes. "Don't you miss them, sometimes? Mother and Father?" He watched Sirius swallow heavily and avert his eyes.

When Sirius didn't answer, Regulus bit his lip. "I miss them, sometimes. And sometimes I feel guilty about being happy." Regulus whispered the last part.

"Don't. You deserve to be happy, always."

"Even so, I feel as if I am betraying them by not being sad all the time. Are you sad about Father's death?" Regulus asked tentatively. He knew it was a difficult topic for Sirius, but somehow, he felt the need to talk about their parents. And nobody else was around he could talk about them with, except Sirius. They were Sirius' parents, too.

"Listen, Reg… I missed them, once. But they were dead to me long before they actually died. I grieved then, but not anymore." He didn't want to tell his brother the hard truth, that he wasn't sad at all and couldn't be either, but he didn't want to lie to him, so he decided to say it in a roundabout way.

"So… did you just replace them with the Potters?" Regulus' voice got caught in his throat. He felt himself holding his breath. This was the thought that had been spinning around in his head for years.

Sirius shook his head decidedly. "No, Reg, Mother and Father, I never replaced them. Mr. Potter is not my father, and Mrs. Potter is not my mother. I would never call them that. But it _feels_ like Mr. Potter is a _dad_ to me, and Mrs. Potter a _mum_." Sirius lay down and turned on his side to face Regulus.

"That is completely different. I didn't look for a substitute of what I already had. I looked for something I had longed for my entire life. Mother was never my mum. And Father was never my dad." Sirius said with a tight voice.

Regulus looked at Sirius. He understood what Sirius meant. He swallowed heavily, blinked a few times, tried to force his tears back. A lump in his throat, he literally had to force his voice out. Insecurity. It was always there, looming in the dark corners of his mind, no matter what he did or what Sirius said.

"What about me? Is James… a better brother?"

Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, then shook his head, firmly. "No, Reg, don't ever think that way. You're the best brother I could have asked for. And you will always be my brother, nothing could change that. Ever, okay? You will forever be my baby brother, and I will always love you with all my heart. No matter what happens." He reached out and ruffled Regulus' hair with his left hand, then, gently, brushed a tear from his little brother's cheek that had escaped the big, watery eyes.

"It's okay to be sad. I understand it. Your relationship with them was different than mine. And I'm sad as well because you are sad."

Regulus sniffed. "I know but… I don't know how to feel about them anymore. I still love them."

Sirius smiled sadly at him. "And that's okay as well. They're your parents. Every child should have the right to love his parents." _No matter who the parents were and what they did._

"You think so? But I feel guilty for everything I do. I feel guilty for forgetting about them, for being happy here, for being with you, and then I feel guilty for betraying them. They would be so disappointed in me if they saw me now."

"Hey, Reg. Anyone who is disappointed in you doesn't deserve you caring about them. I am proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself as well. It does not help anything to wonder what might have been, or what they might think." Regulus was still struggling with this new kind of life, having Sirius back and as his guardian, learning that muggles weren't bad, that the whole pure-blood supremacy thing was a big bunch of evil nonsense – it had turned his world upside down, and Sirius was so proud of how Regulus handled everything. His little brother had a lot on his mind. But that's why Sirius was here, to guide him, to help him figure it out.

TBC…

 **A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews, PM's, followers etc. It means so much to me. I hope the length of the last chapters is not bothering you, but I feel it's a much less disruptive read when the chapters are longer and deeper explored. These boys have so much to talk about, I swear I could fill a whole novel only with dialogue ;)**


	15. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Sirius found Regulus crying that night again. He'd heard it through the thin wall that separated their bedrooms, low, muffled sobs that were breaking his heart as he listened for a while, laying in his bed, staring at the wall. Somehow, his hearing had increased during the last years, maybe becoming an animagus sharpened his senses even when he was in his human form, but then again, maybe it was because his attention to anything concerning his little brother had increased.

He got up and tiptoed to his brother's room, silently opened the door, recognized the dark shape of his little brother lying on his bed, curled into a ball, facing the wall. Regulus didn't notice him until he nudged him on his back and motioned to make some space for him so he could lie down as well. Regulus snivelled and tried to brush the tears from his face even though they were immediately replaced by fresh ones.

Sirius pulled a bit of the blanket towards him and gently pushed Regulus to the side as he lay down on his back. Then, he stretched out an arm and motioned for Regulus to rest his head on it. Regulus sniffed but complied immediately. Sirius pulled him closer and gathered his little brother into his arms.

Regulus rested his head on Sirius' shoulder, still crying. He wasn't even sure what was so different about today, but grief happened to come in waves, catching him off guard, like a tsunami-like wave undermining his balance and sweeping his feet out from under him and a swirl of raw emotions taking hold of him, threatening to trap him inside of that swirl's dark, voracious centre. He would've felt all broken and desolate again, hadn't Sirius been there for him to hold on like a lifeline.

No words were said, there was no need, the feelings in the air sheltered them both, wrapped them in a blanket of safety and understanding. _You're not alone. You're home. You're loved._

He felt Sirius' fingers caressing his hair in a circular pattern, the steady rhythm of Sirius' chest raising and lowering itself with each breath, his brother's heartbeat next to his ear. It was an incredibly calming mixture, the presence of his big brother soothing his grief, gently lulling him to the edge of sleep, just like he had since Regulus' very first memories. Soon his tears dried.

"Your chin's scratchy," Regulus mumbled as Sirius turned his head and accidentally brushed Reg's forehead with his chin.

"It's late…" Sirius responded, "I'll shave t'mrrow… Or I'll grow a beard. Like this John Bonham."

"Who?"

"Doesnmatter," Sirius replied sleepily. If he hadn't been so tired, he might've gone into rhapsodies about Rock'n'Roll and all the different kinds of muggle music Ava had shown him, but right now, all he wanted was to get a good night's sleep.

They were silent for a few moments, Sirius' breathing was evening out and he almost slipped off into a dream –

"So you could grow a beard if you wanted to?" Reg's voice was waking him up again. Sirius started a sigh but ended up yawning deeply, snuggling into the pillow.

"Mm-hmm…"

Regulus thought about that for a while. His brother, growing a beard. That would be strange.

"When can I start to shave?" He asked, shifting away a bit, observing his brother's face in the darkness.

Sirius groaned and groggily opened his eyes, slightly annoyed of his brother's constant moving and talking. "Soon, okay? Now, shuddup and let me sleep!" He tugged Reg towards him again, turned to his side and pinned his little brother's back to his chest, holding him like a teddy bear.

"How soon?"

Sirius groaned again, reached out without opening his eyes, felt around, found Reg's face and put his hand over his chatty little brother's mouth.

Regulus pushed Sirius' hand away. "How soon?" He asked again.

"T'morrow, 'kay?" Sirius mumbled. "Now – Shush!"

Regulus closed his eyes, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Now you take the cream and put it all over your face," Sirius said as he demonstrated on his own face where to spread the shaving cream, covering the lower half of his face in a white foamy full beard.

Regulus tentatively imitated his brother's movements, leaning closely towards the bathroom mirror as he took a small amount of shaving cream and carefully spread it over his left cheek with one finger.

"Like this, it's going to take centuries. If you do it my way on the other hand –" Sirius scooped up a huge amount of cream and smacked it full onto his little brother's face, over his mouth and nose.

"Bah, jerk!" Regulus exclaimed, bristling.

Sirius chuckled as his brother used both hands to wipe his mouth and nose and caused the massive amount of cream to form a pointy tip on his chin.

"Now you look like Dumbledore," Sirius grinned.

"The goal is _not_ to look like Dumbledore!"

Sirius laughed again. Regulus shook his head at his brother in faked indignation. Sirius could be so immature at times.

"Now you take the razor and use light, firm strokes while you shave with the grain, let the razor do the work, don't use force. Pull your skin tight, so you prevent nicks, see?" Sirius explained after Regulus had _properly_ spread the shaving cream and showed his brother how to do it by carefully wiping the shaving cream off his right cheek, exposing freshly shaved, soft skin.

He quickly finished shaving his face, creating funny foam beards, then he rinsed the razor and handed it to Regulus and watched his brother's first attempt to shave. It was cute, somehow. Reg didn't really need to shave yet, he only had a small boy moustache on his upper lip, barely visible. But the proud shimmer in his brother's eyes made it totally worth it. Mr. Potter had shown Sirius and James how to shave when they had been around Reg's age, and it had been a proud moment for them as well, like, a step towards manhood.

Sirius wondered who would have shown Reg how to shave if things had been different and their father still alive. Sirius couldn't imagine their father showing Reg things like that – even though it was a father's job. But their father had never really cared much about anything his sons needed, not even Regulus. And Sirius wouldn't have been there to teach his brother such things… Sirius quickly dismissed that thought. He was here now.

"Well done! You didn't even nick yourself like I did the first few times," Sirius commented on Reg's shaving result after they had put some aftershave lotion on, his heart warmed as he saw his brother's eyes shine at the praise.

One evening a few days later, Sirius left Regulus alone for a few hours to meet up with James and do a little test run on his motorbike. Hagrid had worked on it as well, and they had spelled some extra features on it, to express it carefully. And, what was a flying motorbike if you didn't fly with it?

Then James had had the _brilliant idea_ to visit Lily and show off the motorbike. It was already beginning to darken outside and when they passed the park near Lily's house, they noticed that they were being followed by three hooded figures on brooms.

Death Eaters.

"I bet Snivellus is among them. He lives here, somewhere, Lily told me," James hissed into Sirius' ear, then drew his wand and observed the twilight sky from out the pillion while Sirius drove faster.

At first, they contemplated to fight them, but the Death Eaters were in the majority and neither of them wanted to start a fight amidst a muggle neighbourhood. They couldn't lead them to Lily as well, so they decided it would be best to just try and outrace them. They had wanted to test the bike's speed anyway.

The race was fantastic. The motorbike was extremely manoeuvrable, and the way it leaned into the curves was divine – One of the Death Eaters almost crashed into a street lamp at a sharp corner, causing the two boys to gloat over the way he stumbled and fell back behind the others out of self-preservation.

James fired a few spells at them when they came too near for his liking, but soon enough they had left them far behind, for the motorbike's capability of speeding was pretty neat. They kept up the speed for some time, just to be safe, until they suddenly heard a siren howling from behind them. At first, James and Sirius decided to ignore it, but then it became two, and soon after they spotted two police cars following them – those were quite a bit faster than their first pursuers, and as they gained on them, Sirius decided to take a right into an alleyway.

Unfortunately, that alley turned out to be a blind one.

"This is the police. Get off the motorcycle! Turn off the engine and get off the motorcycle!" was shouted from behind them, both officers got out of their cars, even drawing their weapons. They approached the boys.

"No helmets! Exceeding the speed limit by – by a considerable amount! Failing to stop for the police!" One of the officers blustered.

"We'd have loved to stop for a chat, only we were trying –" James started haughtily but was interrupted by the other officer.

"Don't get smart with me – you two are in a heap of trouble! Names!" The taller one of them snarled, approaching the boys even further.

"Names? Er, well, let's see… There's Wilberforce… Bathsheba… Elvendork…" Sirius responded.

"And what's nice about that one is, you can use it for a boy or a girl," James added, grinning.

The taller policemen's face reddened until it greatly resembled a tomato in form and colour.

"Oh, our names, did you mean?" Sirius said with feigned innocence, his eyes big, but the cheeky grin was still firmly in place.

Before any of the policemen could explode, though, the three Death Eaters on their broomsticks appeared again.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " James shouted just in time to disarm one of them who had aimed a spell in their direction. His flight became unsteady while he fell back behind his companions, squinting his eyes to try and spot his wand somewhere on the asphalt beneath them.

The officers turned around, and their eyes went as big as saucers when they beheld the three men flying on their broomsticks above the street. The taller one let his gun fall to the ground in surprise, both of them were swaggering back a few steps, not believing their eyes.

Sirius shouted something else, and together they lifted their wands, causing one of the police cars to lift up from the street and form a barrier in the air, and this time, one of the Death Eaters flew smack into it, they just heard him squealing and then the sound of his broomstick crushing, sending wooden pieces flying through the air –

James looked at Sirius, reached around his friend and pushed the button that activated the motorbike's aviation mode. Sirius grinned, gunned the engine and with a loud roar, the motorbike lifted itself up from the ground, left frightful police officers and angrily shouting Death Eaters far behind them as they whizzed through the air, faster than they ever had before, faster than on their brooms – equally surprised and finally enraged were the Death Eaters who had hoped to finally catch up with them.

For James and Sirius, they were only small dots on a thin alleyway far beyond them before the boys even reached full speed, laughing loudly as they watched the ant-like figures disappear.

Sirius returned home with a bright smile on his face.

He grinned as Regulus asked him how his test run had been. "You wouldn't believe what we just did!"

"Why? What did you do?" Regulus would believe a lot if it came to his brother doing extreme stuff.

Sirius hesitated for just a second, quickly deciding not to tell Reg about the Death Eaters. "We were chased by muggle policemen. It was totally awesome – they were having sirens on and lights, and it were at least two cars that chased us, and they couldn't get us anyway!" Sirius kicked off his boots and peeled himself out of his leather jacket, carelessly throwing it on the couch. He had bought it extra to adopt the muggle's biker look and was proudly wearing it each time he rode the bike, hell, he even wore it when he just worked on it.

Regulus gaped at him. "Why would they chase you?"

"I don't know. They just were there, suddenly. Yelling about slowing down and that we should pull over – whatever, at first we weren't sure whether we were in trouble or not, but then the siren was wailing and the blue lights flashing, and we thought, let's test how fast this thing can go," Sirius laughed contently when he saw Reg's eyes widen.

"Then they cornered us in an alleyway. They were even getting out of their cars, smug looks on their faces – and then James pushed the flying button and we escaped by flying over their heads. You should've seen their faces!" Sirius grinned. "It was hilarious."

Regulus listened in awe. "So – it really can fly now? It all went well?"

"Yeah. I can say for sure now that I'm the proud owner of a flying motorcycle. And a fast one, I swear, it's lots faster than a regular broom." Sirius threw himself down on the couch, reaching out to get a biscuit from the plate on the coffee table.

"Wicked! And how's flying on it? Is it like with a broom, or riding on a hippogriff?"

"It's like a mix, and then at the same time, completely different, especially because you're able to drive on the street as well. If you want I can take you for a short ride tomorrow." Sirius offered, his eyes shining.

Regulus nodded eagerly. "I'd love that."

The same evening, it was dark outside by now, Regulus and Sirius were just eating chicken in creamy mushroom sauce with rice for a late dinner, when they were interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

Sirius was just putting his fork and knife down and prepared to get up as it knocked again, more vigorously than before.

"Sirius!" A voice called loudly. It sounded angry.

Regulus looked at Sirius quizzically and watched his brother swallow heavily, as some recognition crept up on Sirius' face.

"Crap," He whispered, barely audible.

Sirius was frozen in place, and Regulus started to get really confused. What was the matter?

"Sirius, open the door right now!" The voice called again, this time, it sounded a lot like Mr. Potter to Regulus.

Sirius sat there another second, his limbs unwilling to move, but then a sudden jolt rushed through his body and he scrambled up from his chair and approached the door tentatively as if a bear waited behind it. The moment he opened it, a very angry Mr. Potter was revealed.

The older man stepped inside, his heavy boots on the wooden floor the only audible sound. Regulus looked from Sirius to Mr. Potter and back. Had he missed something?

"Good evening, Mr. Potter," Regulus said after a few seconds of tense silence.

Mr. Potter's head turned, and he looked across the living room into the kitchen, where Regulus was still sitting at the kitchen table, his fork in his hand, but now half-turned towards the door.

"Good evening to you as well, Regulus," Mr. Potter responded, his face softening and the ghost of a smile flitting across his face, but when he turned back to Sirius his expression hardened again.

"Umm… hi?" Sirius had found his voice again, and tried to sound cheerful, flashing Mr. Potter something he hoped looked like a lopsided smile.

Mr. Potter's face twitched in anger. "You better watch the cheek right now, boy. You're in enough trouble as it is."

Sirius raised his eyebrows in an attempt to feign surprise and confusion. "What did I do?"

Mr. Potter pressed his teeth together, causing his jaw muscles to flex visibly. "Do you want a smack, Sirius? I consider myself an extremely patient man, however, make any further attempts to play down or deny your actions of today and you'll find that patience to be short in supply."

Sirius blushed deeply, his eyes flickering over to Regulus who watched the events with wide eyes, sitting stone-still.

"Okay, okay, sorry! Please –" Sirius said quickly, obviously extremely embarrassed to get threatened of a smack in front of his brother, even though he wasn't exactly surprised by it. The moment he had heard Mr. Potter's voice, he had known that he was in deep trouble.

"I have a bone to pick with you, boy," Mr. Potter said, his voice dangerously deep.

Sirius lowered his eyes for a second, then nodded. "Reg, are you –"

"I'm finished," Regulus said quickly. "I'll be in my room." He put his fork down and shoved his chair back, the chair's legs scratching audibly over the kitchen floor as he got up and quickly went towards his room, two pairs of eyes following him silently.

As soon as they heard Regulus' bedroom door close, Mr. Potter waved his hand and cast a silencing spell over the living room. Then he turned back to Sirius.

"Boy, I would've expected better of you." He said in a grave voice. Sirius physically winced at the harsh statement, lowered his eyes again and looked at his bare feet.

"Do you have any idea of the stupidity of your actions today? What could have happened? Have you even thought twice about your actions, do you realize what you did? What you endangered?" Mr. Potter asked harshly.

Sirius looked up again, his eyes widening. "I – I… I'm sorry!"

Mr. Potter held his stare, his eyes hard. "For what exactly are you sorry?"

Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, unsure of what to say. Did Mr. Potter know that James was involved? How much did Mr. Potter know at all? Sirius didn't want to rat his best friend out.

"Umm… for… for making you angry somehow?"

"Sirius. I have refrained from throwing you over my knee the moment I stepped through this door simply because I do not think it would be an appropriate punishment for the gravity of your misdeed and I wanted to hear your side of things. However, if you continue to try and trivialise what you did, I will overthink that again and give you a spanking for that alone. Are we perfectly clear?"

Sirius' stomach turned, and he nodded quickly. "Yes, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir. I… I raced my bike, and at some point, muggle policemen started chasing me. Then I… used the flying mode to escape."

Mr. Potter remained silent, his brown eyes bearing into Sirius' grey ones.

"I – I know it was wrong, I'm sorry," Sirius stammered.

"Are you? Then tell me, what was wrong about it, Sirius?" Mr. Potter's voice was like iron.

Sirius knitted his eyebrows slightly in confusion. Hadn't he already confessed? "Uh, with the… racing, uh… and bewitching the bike?"

"Are you trying to rile me up on purpose?"

"Wha – No! Please, I'm not, honestly!" Sirius raised his hands in an innocent gesture with his palms facing out. This time, he meant it.

Mr. Potter put his hands heavily on Sirius' shoulders and sighed audibly. He closed his eyes for a second, shaking his head.

"Sirius. Do you even understand the gravity of your actions?"

Sirius looked at Mr. Potter, wide-eyed. "I guess I uh… racing is dangerous?"

"Is this all you can think of? That _racing_ is dangerous? You think that's the only reason why I'm here right now?"

Sirius just looked at Mr. Potter with large, clueless eyes, a large question mark written all over his face.

Mr. Potter let go of Sirius' shoulders and ran his fingers through his grey hair, sighing, trying to calm his nerves. He took in the helpless look on Sirius' face, how young the almost eighteen-year-old suddenly appeared.

"Sit down, Sirius," Mr. Potter ordered, firmly taking hold of Sirius' forearm. He led the young man to the couch and forced him to sit next to him.

Mr. Potter leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looked at the young man he considered his son in all but the one thing that didn't really matter.

"I heard from a few colleagues at the Ministry today that they were searching for two wizards who had deeply violated the law concerning the misuse of muggle artefacts and the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy. Fortunately for you two, they had no clue that it had been you and James, and I _hope_ from the bottom of my heart that you were lucky this time and nobody else will find out about it. You two broke several laws today, Sirius."

Mr. Potter waited a moment to let his words sink in, observing Sirius' reaction. Sirius had his head bowed, his long fringe was hanging into his face and hid his eyes, his mouth a thin line.

"How… how'd you know it was us?"

"Really, Sirius? I know you two better than you would think. James confessed everything to me when I asked him about it after I got home from work. He seemed to be equally clueless about the gravity of what you two did at first, but then again, he is not in the same position as you are. You own the bike. You bewitched it. It is you who is most responsible this time."

Sirius bit his lip to keep it from trembling. "I'm sorry" He whispered, not looking at Mr. Potter.

"Sorry is not enough, Sirius. Do you have any idea what you did at all, Sirius? I am very angry about you racing, both of you could get hurt with you going to fast or without it being your fault even, it was immensely stupid what you did. _You could have died!_ I know that the two of you are … at times, wild boys, but you are not stupid. So don't act like you are. It infuriates me, and it scares me, Sirius.

Then you were endangering your future by violating the law – the policemen's memory needed to be altered, you two made waves today at the Ministry. A destroyed police car, two muggles that were spreading crazy rumours about flying motorcycles – with that as criminal record, do you think you two would still be accepted into the Aurors training program next year if you were a known offender? This is making me angry as well, Sirius."

Mr. Potter took another deep breath, by now he was slightly annoyed by Sirius refusing to look at him.

"Look at me."

Sirius lifted his head a bit, anxiously looking at the man he considered his dad in all but blood.

"But you did something else today, and that makes me more disappointed in your actions than I have ever been before. Something that is way worse than getting in a bit of legal trouble. You are responsible for your brother. Do you have any idea how a seventeen-year-old would appear to the ministry in matters of capability for caring for his younger brother if such young man acts like this? Carelessly breaking the law? And if you died in an accident or got hurt badly while racing that blasted bike – where would that leave your brother? _Did you think about that?_ " Mr. Potter's voice rose, and he fought hard to keep from yelling at Sirius.

Sirius' eyes widened, and he thought he was getting sick. He hadn't thought about that, it had never even occurred to him that his actions might endanger Reg.

"Everything you do affects your brother now. I know you are young, but you cannot act like this, Sirius. Imagine if the Ministry got wind of what you did, and decided you were not capable enough to raise a minor. Imagine what happened would you die over something so **stupid** like racing your bike. You would lose your life, your future. Your brother would lose you, again. And if you think the guardianship would be given to us, you are sorely mistaken. The next person in line is Bellatrix Lestrange. She's got power, influence, and your parents' recommendation. _Do you understand me, Sirius? Is it worth to risk all that's important to you just for… fun?_ " Mr. Potter emphasized the last words, speaking sterner than he had had ever before with Sirius. He knew he was shocking the boy right now. He knew it would hurt him to get the hard truth presented as cruelly like this. But Mr. Potter knew it was necessary. Sirius needed to wake up, he needed to start thinking.

Tears shot into Sirius' eyes and his breath stopped for a second as he stared at Mr. Potter, taking in what the man had just said. He understood.

He sank back into the couches cushioned back, his body feeling limp. Merlin, what had he done. For a second, his eyes flickered over in the direction of the corridor, where Regulus was, in his bedroom. Fear overcame Sirius. Shame. He hung his head and looked at his feet.

"Do you understand, Sirius?" Mr. Potter asked again.

Sirius had his lips pressed together firmly, otherwise, he might just start to cry. He still couldn't get any words out, but he managed to nod once.

"I'm asking you something now, Sirius, and I want an honest answer. Did you really not think about the consequences your actions could have had, or do you care so less about your own life? Your future? Your responsibility towards your brother?" Mr. Potter's voice was very hard, and he took hold of Sirius' chin to tilt his head up and force the young man to look at him so he could see his eyes.

This question caused the dam to break and a few tears slipped out of Sirius' eyes. "I didn't think about it, Mr. Potter, I swear! I would never, never endanger Reg, please, you have to believe me! We just started racing because of the Death Eaters, and then -" Sirius' voice got caught in his throat.

Mr. Potter's eyebrows knitted in confusion.

"Woah, Sirius, Death Eaters?" Mr. Potter sounded extremely surprised, almost shocked. If Sirius hadn't been concentrating so firmly on trying to control his sobs, he might've heard the fear resounding in Mr. Potter's voice.

"I'm so sorry! I would never, never…" Sirius' voice broke again and he hid his face in his hands.

Mr. Potter's heart clenched at the sight of the devastated young man. He had known in his heart that Sirius would never take the chance of endangering his brother like he did if he had realized the consequences that could follow. But Mr. Potter had needed to hear it from Sirius himself.

And obviously, there was more to the events of this afternoon than James had told him.

"Calm down, Sirius. I believe you." He said, his voice softening.

Sirius' breath hitched few more times but then tried hard to get a grip on himself, embarrassed by his childish behaviour. He brushed his hands over his eyes in an attempt to wipe the tears away that were relentlessly flowing out of his eyes. Mr. Potter reached out and put a hand on each side of Sirius' face, once more forcing the young man to look at him while he spread out his thumbs to gently brush the remaining tears from Sirius' cheeks.

"Calm down, son. So's good, you are fine. I need you to get yourself together now, so you can tell me what happened. In detail, Sirius. What did you mean by you just started racing because of the Death Eaters?"

Sirius sniffed and brushed the remaining tears out of his eyes. Then he trusted himself to speak, and he recounted the events of the afternoon just like they had happened, not leaving anything out. He watched Mr. Potter's facial expression change from worry to fear.

"Sirius, I did not know that. I'm sorry, that changes the situation of course." Mr. Potter put a reassuring hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I'm proud of your decision not to start a fight amidst a muggle neighbourhood, and to leave. That explains the racing and the violation of the law regarding the secrecy of the wizarding world, at least partly. Hey, calm down, son." Mr. Potter brushed the long curly fringe that was hanging into Sirius' eyes from the boy's forehead. "I still do not approve of racing, but considering the circumstances, the right thing to do was to escape, and I can understand it as long as you were persecuted. Still, I do not want to hear of you and James racing again, clear? Were you planning on racing the bike, Sirius?"

Sirius hung his head and nodded. "We didn't think of it as racing… we just wanted to know how fast it could go. And whether it could fly… but we didn't plan on doing that in a muggle neighbourhood, we just wanted to visit Lily, I swear!" Sirius added quickly.

Mr. Potter nodded. He had been surprised by his sons' recklessness, even though he knew that James and Sirius were at times a bit out of bounds, they wouldn't endanger their lives and futures just like that. He was very relieved that the misdeed wasn't half as bad as he had thought it was, and he would apologize to James later as well for yelling at him like he had after he'd come home from work.

"I believe you, Sirius. Nevertheless, the motorcycle has to go now. No discussion. I will take it and dispose of it somewhere for some time. Maybe after things have settled a bit… but for now, nobody must know about it, I am serious about that. Not even Remus or Peter or anyone else at Hogwarts. The Ministry must not get wind of you possessing one."

Sirius nodded, his shoulders slumped. Mr. Potter released Sirius' face, but with his eyes, he firmly held his son's gaze.

"I need you to understand that bewitching a bike and racing on it, it's against the law, and for a reason. You are an adult now, not a child. It is not _fun_ to break muggle and wizardry laws, it is dangerous. Do you understand me?"

Sirius nodded.

"Furthermore, I want you to promise me that you will never act as reckless as you did today again, Sirius. You cannot afford to have something happening to you, you cannot endanger yourself and get in trouble with the law like that. Your life's precious, Sirius. And as a parent, you cannot act so careless. You cannot act selfishly." Mr. Potter knew that he was being very hard on Sirius, but he really needed Sirius to understand.

"I promise, Mr. Potter, with all my heart! I'm so sorry, so sorry…" He hid his face in his hands.

"I know, Sirius, and I believe you will act better from now on. Keep in mind the amount of trust your brother puts in you by allowing you to raise him. His life is in your hands, Sirius. Do not play with it."

Sirius began to tremble, his face still hidden by his hands. Mr. Potter felt his heart break. He knew he had to be a bit hard here to make Sirius fully understand, but he felt sympathy for him. Sirius was young, and it was a given that he would make mistakes.

But things like the events of this afternoon could only happen once, and then Sirius had to learn.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Potter. I failed Reg, I failed you, everyone who put his trust in me…" Sirius whispered brokenly after some time. "Please, Dad – I'll do anything to make it good again, I swear… I'll do anything you say…"

Mr. Potter's heart softened even more as he heard Sirius call him dad. Sirius rarely did that, but once in a while, it had slipped out. And Mr. Potter felt deeply honoured by it – for Sirius was his son, in his heart, just like James was.

"Sirius, son, look at me." Sirius lifted his head slowly, afraid he'd see disappointment in Mr. Potter's eyes. But instead, he only saw love and deep compassion.

"Sirius, you did not fail Regulus, nor did you fail me or anyone else. Everyone makes mistakes at some point. That's why I am here to help you see them and to act better in the future. Your actions are what I am disappointed in, Sirius, not you. _Never you_. It was wrong to bewitch the bike, and I'm sure you won't do it again. As for racing and flying with it even though muggles were present ... It would have been better to apparate away, but I can understand that sometimes, in the spur of a moment, you can't think of what would be the best thing and instead do the second best.

And regardless of today, you do a great job at raising your brother, and I trust you very much that you have the right intentions at heart. You are a good man, Sirius, and a mistake doesn't make you a bad man. But as an adult, the impact of our actions is greater, as is the responsibility. Now, you need to keep your mistake in mind, and make sure it doesn't happen again, because the next time, the worst consequence might not be getting in trouble with your parents, but to loose someone you love."

Sirius swallowed, rubbing his eyes again. He wished so much Mr. Potter would just punish him, and then tell him he was forgiven. The thought of what could have happened made him sick to his stomach, and in that moment, he just wanted to run to Regulus' room and take his little brother into his arms, hold him safely, promise him that he'd never do such a thing again… The memory of how he had bragged about his actions in front of his little brother felt so wrong now, and it made him feel so ashamed of himself. He would have to make sure no one else knew about this – it was way too dangerous. The thought of Hagrid occurred to him, and his stomach took another sharp turn.

"Mr. Potter – Hagrid! He knows about the bike, he helped me tune it!" He choked out, fearful suddenly.

Mr. Potter nodded. "Alright. I will apparate to Hogwarts and talk to him, I am sure he will keep it a secret as well."

Sirius nodded, a big lump forming in his throat as he watched how Mr. Potter put his hands on his knees and with a small groan got up from the couch.

Like in slow-motion, Sirius watched Mr. Potter round the coffee table and then, suddenly, he ripped himself free from the trance he felt he was captivated in, as he sprung up as well, lifting his hands in a desperate attempt to stop whatever was happening right now. Mr. Potter couldn't leave him like this, could he?

"Please – don't! Don't leave – tell me, what can I do, I'm so sorry, please –" Sirius blurted out, the words were pouring out of his mouth, desperation in his eyes.

Mr. Potter's expression softened even more when he realized what Sirius was so upset about.

"Sirius, son, you do not need to _do_ something to make up for this, you misunderstood me. If you need to, consider the loss of the motorbike your punishment for that. I know you worked hard on it and it was something you always dreamed of, and it truly pains me to take it from you, but it is necessary. But it is enough that you promise never to do something like that again, son. I trust you," Mr. Potter said in a gentle voice.

Sirius swallowed, nodded, but then hesitated, worry still overshadowing his usually so carefree and shining expression.

"D-do you… forgive me?"

"Oh Sirius, of course, you are forgiven, you always will be, and I am still very proud of you, son, nothing could ever change that. Alright? Bear up. This is not the end of the world." With that, he pulled the young man in front of him into a warm, fatherly embrace. Sirius melted into it, lowering his head onto Mr. Potter's shoulder, closing his eyes firmly. He had been so afraid that Mr. Potter would not forgive him for this, when he had stood up and things had looked as if Mr. Potter would just leave him like this, and Sirius would not get any forgiveness for what he had done, that Mr. Potter would walk away with a grudge against Sirius in his heart.

After some time, Mr. Potter felt he could release him. He kept his right hand on Sirius' shoulder in a comforting manner.

"Is it okay for you that I go and take care of things? The sooner things get settled, the better. Don't worry, Sirius. It'll all be fine," Mr. Potter said in a gentle voice, now already feeling guilty about how harsh he had been with the boy.

Sirius nodded. "It's okay. Thank you..." He was so glad he had Mr. Potter to take care of things. This was one of the moments in which he was indescribably thankful for having the Potters as family. He could always count on them, and they would never leave him alone. They would always care.

Mr. Potter smiled and gave Sirius' shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Now you go, get your brother and have a nice evening together."

Regulus sat on his desk chair, doodling on a piece of parchment. He couldn't hear a sound, probably one of them had cast a silencing spell. Still, he strained his ears from time to time when he had thought he had heard something. But it was just the wind whistling round the house, or some mice scampering through the rustling grass outside.

Suddenly, Regulus heard the sound of the front door getting closed, and footsteps on the corridor's floor. Shortly after, a knock on his door.

"Reg?" Sirius' voice.

"Yeah?" Regulus turned his upper body in the direction of the door, crossing his arms above the chair's backrest and resting his head on them, a quill still in his right hand.

The door opened and revealed his big brother. Sirius' face was reddened, and he looked as if he had cried not long ago.

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked, concerned.

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine." Sirius forced a smile. He stood there, for a few seconds, looking at Regulus, a strange mixture of emotions openly portrayed on his face. He looked sad, somehow, and at the same time relieved.

Regulus continued to look at him expectantly. He didn't exactly want to pressure Sirius to tell him what had happened, but at the same time, he really wanted to know.

Sirius wiped his hands on his trousers, gulping the lump in his throat down before he spoke. "Um… Mr. Potter, he… he was pretty angry about James and me racing… we… we messed up completely."

"Are you in trouble?" Regulus asked softly.

"Nah, I… don't you worry about it. It's all getting settled, you just can't tell anyone about the motorbike, okay? People mustn't know about it… it's a bit illegal what we did."

Regulus raised his eyebrows. Of course it was illegal, he'd thought that was the fun part for Sirius about the bewitched motorbike.

"I… We can't do it again, I'm sorry. I know I promised you a ride on it, but… Mr. Potter had to take the bike, it would be too dangerous to keep it here."

Regulus turned around and put the quill back on the desk, then he got up. "Why would it be dangerous?"

Sirius shuffled his feet a bit, avoiding Regulus' eyes. "I really, really messed up, Reg. I'm so sorry. The ministry mustn't know about the bike, and it's safer to get rid of it, in case someone sees it here."

"Then why can't you just hide it somewhere?"

"I can't risk that, I'm sorry." Sirius truly looked apologetic, his eyes sad, his shoulders hanging. Regulus hesitated for a moment, but then he took two quick steps forward and put his arms around his big brother's waist.

Sirius' arms encircled his little brother automatically, and he held him tightly against his body.

"I'm so sorry, Reg." He whispered. _I'm so sorry I got you in danger._

Regulus looked up, confused. "It's okay. It's yours, and I'm sorry that _you_ can't have it anymore. Don't apologize."

Sirius nodded, tightening his arms around his brother. It was better not to tell Regulus about what really happened, it would only scare him. Regulus shouldn't have to worry about Sirius failing him again.

"Do you want to play Exploding Snap instead? I can ask Blinky for some snacks…" Sirius suggested.

Regulus' face brightened. "I'd like that."

TBC...

 **A/N: The part with the policemen is inspired by J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter Prequel", an 800-word short story. If you haven't already, you should definitely read it.**


	16. Like Day and Night

The end of the holidays neared. It was less than a week left until school began again. On Sunday, they had spent dinner with the Potters as usual and had agreed to meet up on Wednesday in Diagon Alley to buy the school books required for the new year.

"Have you ever met Andromeda again after ...?" Sirius asked his brother on Wednesday morning as they sat together, eating sausages and eggs for breakfast. He held a letter in his hands, from an owl that had arrived a few moments ago.

Regulus looked up, surprised. He hadn't thought about Andromeda in a long time. He hadn't been close to her, not like Sirius, and she'd been disowned by the family when he'd still been very young, for marrying a muggleborn.

Their mother had been furious.

Regulus shook his head. "No, I never met her again. Have you?"

"I have, often, actually. Especially after I went to live with the Potters," Sirius responded, taking a bite from his sausage.

Regulus nodded. During their childhood, Sirius and Andromeda had been very close.

"You know, she was a seventh year when I went to Hogwarts. Do you know what she said to me after Mother sent me the howler?" Sirius asked, his expression a mixture of pain and love.

Regulus shook his head. He knew about his parents' and Bellatrix' reaction to Sirius' sorting, but not about Andromeda's.

"She told me that she was proud of me," Sirius smiled at the memory. "She was the first person who ever said that to me, just like that."

Regulus swallowed. His parents had told him that they were proud of him, a few times. But always in a breath with condemning Sirius as the son who had failed to make them proud.

Regulus looked at his hands. Why did Sirius choose to talk about this topic now?

"Is she alright?" Regulus asked carefully, keeping his eyes avoided.

"She is. In fact, I asked her whether she would like to meet us at Fortescue's, for we're going to Diagon Alley today anyway, and now that you… uh because you haven't seen her in a while," Sirius answered, his knife scraping over the plate as he cut his egg.

Regulus' stomach turned as a memory appeared in front of his inner eye.

 *******Regulus' Flashback – July 1972*******

Mother was pacing up and down the dining room.

"How dare she! How dare this little whore bring disgrace upon the noble name of our family! She ought to be punished, severely … how should we stand for… alone the thought! Disgusting! Despicable! Pure, noble blood, wasted, stained…"

Nine-year-old Regulus sat on the table, next to Sirius. Their father was sitting at the head of the table, his face grim, an expression of disgust bending the corners of his mouth downwards, even more than usual.

"Filth, scum, the whole lot of them! I'd like to cut the abomination out of her body and burn it. She ought to pay dearly for this – all of them. Blood traitors, worth nothing, less than dirt…"

Mother took out her wand and approached Sirius, grabbing his hair, forcing him out of his chair.

"Have you known about this? _Tell me!_ " She held the tip of her wand against Sirius' throat as if to slit it open. Her black eyes were glistening with fury.

Regulus watched his brother grip the backrest of his chair to steady himself, his knuckles white. Being only twelve years old, Sirius already had a great amount of courage.

"I didn't," He said simply, his steady voice betraying none of his inner tension. Only Regulus, who sat directly next to his brother, caught Sirius' hands trembling slightly.

"Don't lie to me! First, you get yourself sorted into Gryffindor, now your cousin marries that mudblood – as if you wouldn't have known it, you, the one whom she has been closest to. Bestiality! Despicable, how could she… Liars are you, both of you. Not worthy of our name! This is a dark time for the name of our family," She hissed, ripping at Sirius' hair.

Sirius winced but pressed his teeth firmly together to keep as silent as possible. Finally, she released him and turned to Regulus.

Regulus, who had until now watched the events with wide, fearful eyes, swallowed heavily as she looked him, fearing to be hurt as well while Sirius sank back in his chair, his jawline tight, his face as white as chalk.

"Regulus, what is the maxim of our family?" She put her cold hand on Regulus' neck, causing him to shiver, the hair in his neck raising itself up.

"Toujours pur," Regulus answered immediately, his voice stronger than he felt.

"That's right. Always pure. Purity above everything. So what is Andromeda now?" She asked further, patting his shoulder, still Regulus could feel her fingernails bearing into his flesh.

"A blood traitor." Regulus knew exactly what his mother wanted to hear.

She smiled coldly at him.

"That's right. Blood traitors are nothing but filth, worse than anything else. They contaminate the name of our family, make it impure and besmirch it, befoul their own family!" Mother hissed, her eyes wild.

Behind his mother, Regulus saw Sirius looking at him, a strange emotion in his eyes that Regulus couldn't name.

"Do you know what happens to blood traitors?" Mother said, turning to Sirius again.

Regulus could see the corners of Sirius' mouth twitch a bit, barely visible, but he was sure he'd seen it. Sirius stared coldly back at their mother.

"No, pray tell me," He said, a tinge of spite in his voice.

Mother lunged at him, grabbing Sirius' hair again, causing the boy to cry out loudly this time as she dragged him out of his chair, ripping thick black strands of Sirius' hair out. Sirius' hands went up to his head, trying to protect himself, but no avail.

"Into the parlour!" She yelled, her voice shrill.

Regulus obeyed at once, his stomach turning, fearing what might happen as soon as they got there.

Father, who had barely said a word at all stood up as well but kept himself in the background as Mother dragged Sirius by his hair into the parlour, Sirius was painfully bent over, his hands still on his hair, a few hisses escaping his lips. In front of the family tree tapestry, she tilted Sirius' head back and forced him to look up, her left hand still tightly clutching his hair.

"Come here!" She barked at Regulus who had tried to keep some distance between his mother and himself.

Regulus blanched, but obeyed, and quickly went to stand next to his mother and Sirius.

"Look at her face. Her bloody, foul name. Andromeda. Watch what happens to traitors!" His mother's voice was deadly as she raised her wand and scorched the face and name of her niece off the family tree tapestry and watched with a grim look in her eyes how they disappeared and only left a black burn mark.

"They ought to be killed. Erased out of the family, out of your memories. We will never speak of her again, never look at her again. She is dead to us," Mother hissed.

With satisfaction she looked at the scorch mark Andromeda's face had left, forcing her children to look at it as well. Regulus felt his bottom lip quiver, and he pressed his lips tightly together. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his mother ripping at Sirius' hair again, forcing his head up, a whimper was escaping his brother's lips, but Sirius quickly pressed his lips just as tightly together as Regulus.

"Remember it. This is what happens to traitors," Mother said to both of them in a deadly voice that was dripping with contempt. Regulus felt the threat hovering above them as if one wrong move would bring his mother's wrath upon him as well, and he unconsciously took a step away from his older brother. Put some distance between them.

Inconspicuously, Regulus glanced at Sirius through his fringe that hid his eyes from their parents' view. His brother's face was distorted into a grimace of pain and something else, Regulus couldn't quite identify it. It was like a mix of despair and determination. Or hatred, Regulus wasn't sure. For a moment, Sirius' eyes met his. Again, this strange emotion glistened in his brother's eyes. Regulus took another step away from his brother.

And then the familiar grey eyes had gone cold, distant.

For the first time in his life, Sirius looked at him exactly like he always looked at their parents.

 *******End Flashback*******

Regulus kept silent. He felt strange thinking about Andromeda, for he hadn't done that for such a long time. He had obeyed their mother then and completely erased her from his mind. _Dead to us_. She had been dead to him.

"She has sent me an owl back this morning. She's really curious to see you again, and she'd like you to meet her daughter and husband."

Regulus felt uneasy about that. "I'm not sure…" He started, searching for words. It wasn't as if he didn't want to see Andromeda at all or still thought she was a traitor, but somehow, the thought of meeting her, so soon at that, made him feel quite anxious.

Sirius waited for a moment, and when Regulus didn't say anything else, he leaned back in his chair, regarding his brother. Regulus' long fringe fell into his face, hiding his forehead and eyes as he stared down at his hands.

"What are you not sure about?" Sirius asked.

Regulus looked up then, his grey eyes unsure and he bit the inside of his cheek for a few moments before replying. "I don't think she really wants to see me again. Or after that, I don't think she'd like me," He admitted. "I bet she's just being polite because you asked."

"That's bullocks," Sirius said curtly, returning to his breakfast. "Don't worry so much. She's great, and she'll like you, I'm sure."

* * *

Even though Sirius tried his best to vanquish Regulus' concerns, Regulus felt himself worry as they went out of the house an hour later to apparate to Diagon Alley.

Andromeda and her family were already waiting outside of Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, having reserved a table for six people. Andromeda saw the brothers and beckoned them over, getting up to hug Sirius.

It was really strange to see Andromeda again after so many years, but not the kind of strangeness that Regulus had expected. She had changed, of course, gotten older, but her spirit seemed lighter and she appeared happier than Regulus had ever seen her. At the first glance, she held a strong resemblance to Bellatrix, but then, on the second glance, he realized that they were different like day and night. Warmth and hostility were radiating from Andromeda, her eyes friendly and shining and her smile honest.

"Hello Regulus," She said, jolting her cousin out of his musings. Regulus extended his hand shyly, but she pulled him into a tender hug.

"It's good to see you again, Regulus. My, have you grown. I remember you still as a small child, and now you're as tall as I am!" She laughed. He was almost as tall as Ted too, who gave him a friendly nod, somewhat unsure about how Regulus would react towards him. But with his shy smile, Regulus immediately took a liking to Ted, because he could identify himself with it. And the man seemed surprisingly normal.

 _Of course he was normal!_ Regulus scolded himself for his thoughts. He'd always imagined him to be ugly somehow, his mother's outraged voice in the back of his mind, but this man didn't fit the insults his mother had hurled at him in the least. Ted Tonks was mediocrely handsome, about as tall as his wife, a bit chubby even with a round belly, but had friendly eyes and a pleasant, warm voice.

Meeting little Nymphadora was really an experience. Regulus had never met a Metarmorphagus in his life.

The little girl looked up at him with a serious look, half hidden behind her mother's leg, scanning him from head to toe, tilting her head to the right slightly.

"Hi," Regulus said, a tentative smile forming on his lips.

"This is Nymphadora," Andromeda introduced her daughter to Regulus, patting the girl's head lovingly.

Little Nymphadora's hair changed from its bright pink colour to a darker purple, and she glared at her mother. "Dora," she corrected Andromeda immediately

"She doesn't like her name very much," Andromeda shrugged her shoulders and her mouth slid into a lopsided smile. "How were we supposed to know that?"

"Everyone knows that!" The little girl wrinkled her little nose, making it look funny.

Regulus smiled broadly. "I don't like my name too much either. Regulus sounds like regular. And Sirius is not at all serious."

Dora giggled at that, a high, clear giggle, and Regulus found himself joining in. "I like you. What do you want to be called then?" She asked curiously.

"You can call me Reg if you want. It's what Sirius calls me."

"Okay. I'm Dora. Never the other name." She said again, the last part in a serious voice that sounded funny to Regulus ears, coming out of the mouth of such a little girl.

"It's nice to meet you, Dora. I like you too," Regulus said with a bright smile.

They sat down in the squeaky green chairs and ordered themselves ice cream, Sirius tried a passion fruit banana bowl whereas Regulus chose mint chocolate.

"Have you had nice holidays?" Andromeda asked curiously.

Regulus cast Sirius a glance. Sirius smiled and answered honestly "The best I've ever had."

Andromeda smiled as well when she heard that. "And you, Regulus?"

Regulus thought about it for a second. "Um, yeah, me as well," He stammered, blushing slightly. It was strange to admit it so openly, but the holidays really had been great, despite his grief over his father's death. He'd gotten his brother back. What was there that could be greater?

"It's so nice to see you, Regulus. And I'm glad that you and Sirius have found each other again. To have family that's got your back is important, especially in times like these," Andromeda said, holding Regulus' gaze. Her eyes were so honest that Regulus immediately lost all the doubt of her wanting to see him again or just being polite for Sirius' sake.

Regulus thought about what she had just said. Family. Had Andromeda wished to reconcile with her sisters or her parents? For Sirius, that had never seemed to be the case, at least what their parents concerned. Did Andromeda feel the same way about her family?

"Do you still have contact with your sisters?" Regulus asked hesitantly, although he already knew the answer.

Andromeda shook her head silently. "I think with us, it's more extreme. You know Bellatrix, she… I… we never got along, even when we were still children. And Narcissa, well, I've seen her a few times in Diagon Alley, but she ignored me. To them, I am dead. It's sad somehow, but… we never had a close relationship. The only link between us was blood." She said thoughtfully.

Ted put his arm around her shoulders, and she smiled at him lovingly. "My family has never been a real family. I knew that, always, somehow, but I first realized it when I got Ted and Dora. It's love that's between us, and trust. That's more important than anything else. It doesn't matter who you are, what blood status you have, what house in Hogwarts you're in. Those things are neither here nor there. Family is who you are connected to with your very heart. Blood doesn't matter at all, it doesn't make you family. Love does."

Dora chose this moment to speak up, transforming her mouth into a duck's beak, making quack noises.

"Grown-ups talk! Booooring!" She exclaimed as she tugged at Regulus' sleeve. "Can we do something else, please, Reg? Can we go over to the toy shop, Mummy? Daddy?"

Ted smiled and looked at his wife questioningly. Andromeda shook her head a bit at her daughter's unmannerliness and used a paper towel to wipe the smeared chocolate off her daughter's face, but then relented.

"You don't have to, Regulus, but I'm sure she'd love to show you all the toy brooms that are still on her wish list."

"Oh… that's okay. I don't mind." Regulus looked over to Sirius, who nodded encouragingly at his little brother, and the younger boy let himself be dragged off by the excited little girl.

"Be careful!" Andromeda called after them, thinking of her daughter's clumsiness, but the two had already disappeared inside of the WizToys on the opposite side of the alley.

Andromeda turned to Sirius. "I'm so proud of you, Sirius. What you do for Regulus, it's marvellous to see him so changed. It's like he's beaming all the time, he's not at all the scared little boy I remember," She said, smiling.

"You remember him as being scared?" Sirius asked pensively.

"Definitely. He was always hiding himself behind you, looking for your protection even though you were still a child as well."

"I didn't remember that until recently… I… I didn't realize that… I was the only one standing between him and our parents. I should have protected him better."

"You were scared as well, Sirius."

Sirius shrugged. "I was older."

"Not by much."

"It doesn't matter. He's my little brother."

"That he is. He looks at you that way again, except that he's not scared anymore." Andromeda smiled a bit but then sighed. "He will have it difficult in Slytherin, Sirius. Even when I still went to school, status and blood counted a lot, you know that, and You-Know-Who's thoughts already were very popular. I can only imagine how it must be nowadays, as a student in Hogwarts, in Slytherin on top of that. Does he have any friends outside of his house?"

Sirius thought about that, furrowing his brows, trying to remember whether he'd ever seen Regulus hang out with other kids than Slytherins.

"I'm not sure… But I don't think so. He was deeply involved, on his way of becoming one of You-Know-Who's followers. If I wouldn't have accepted the guardianship, Bellatrix would've gotten it." Sirius said in a grave voice.

Andromeda's eyes widened. "My sister… I didn't want to say it before, because I don't know how Regulus feels about her, but she's … she's got an evil streak, Sirius. She takes pleasure in other's pain. And she's wicked smart. Be wary of her, don't let Regulus come close to her. She should be in Azkaban, for all I know." She said forcefully, shaking her head. Then she continued in a more pensive voice.

"My own sister, and still I cannot deny that. She's more dangerous than any of you could imagine, and I haven't seen or heard of her for years, but I know how she's been when we were children, and I hear lots of things..."

Sirius' stomach turned at the thought of Bellatrix getting hold of his brother. "Do you think she'll go after him?"

Andromeda nodded. "I think so. Keep him close, at least during the next months. It'll be hard for him anyway, it's not easy to be different, and it's even more difficult as a Slytherin, but it'll be manageable as long as you are at his side."

"Of course I will. I won't fail him again." Sirius swallowed. The thought of losing his brother again made him anxious, and his eyes flicked over to the toy shop in which his brother had disappeared.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Sirius. You were still a child, and there was nothing you could've done."

Andromeda knew how Sirius felt, their childhood had been similar in many ways, except for that Andromeda's parents hadn't been half as abusive as Sirius' had been. Sometimes, when she thought of Narcissa, though, she felt that under other circumstances, things might've been different for her little sister as well, and now seeing the way Sirius had fought to get Regulus out of all that madness, she wondered whether she should have done more for her sister. But then again, it didn't help to feel guilty about what might have been. And she and Cissy hadn't been as close as Regulus and Sirius had been. There wouldn't have been much they would've had to build on.

"I shouldn't have given up on him. I was so unfair, I just let him fall, left him alone without looking back. Sometimes during the last years, I felt like I hated him for siding with _them_." Sirius raked his fingers through his hair, his expression pained.

"Don't beat yourself up over what's in the past, Sirius. You were a child, it wasn't your fault. It's you who has saved him. Look at him now – this was only possible with you. You are a great brother, the best anyone could wish for," Andromeda said decidedly. "And I'm sure Regulus thinks so as well."

* * *

After they had met the Tonks, Sirius and Regulus visited Gringotts to get some money for their shopping day. Neither of them had ever been at their family's vaults in Gringotts without their parents and Regulus was really eager to see what was in all the different vaults their parents had owned. Sirius owned them now, the Black family vault, then the vault of their maternal Grandmother and the vault of their Uncle Alphard who had passed away last year and left Sirius all his money – he'd not been on speaking terms with their parents either and had been, after his death, considered a traitor as well for leaving Sirius the money.

Regulus would've loved to explore the different vaults, for the Black family vault was huge and until now, he'd only ever caught a few glimpses of it from out the passage, but Sirius wouldn't let him.

"It's too dangerous. Who knows what's in there, cursed objects, dark spells on the vaults – I'll let someone look them over before we enter them. The only vault we will visit is Uncle Alphard's, it's safe, I've been there before with the Potters. And it holds enough money for us to be fine for the next years." Sirius said as they travelled down to the deepest vaults with the bank employed goblin.

"But aren't you curious? Mother and Father have never shown us what's in Grandmother's vault," Regulus objected. Since when did Sirius say no to an adventure?

"Yeah, that's exactly why I don't want to see it. There's surely something evil inside if even _they_ thought it was too dangerous for us, it's not worth risking your life," Sirius explained, slightly annoyed. He wanted nothing to do with their family's possessions, except for the money they needed of course, but he wasn't interested in the dark cursed stuff they had hoarded at all.

"I'm not a child. I can handle things, you know!" Regulus said angrily, crossed his arms in front of his chest and straightened up.

Sirius exhaled deeply. "I said no, and that's final." He turned away, for him this discussion was finished.

Regulus scowled but shut up. Sometimes he was so annoyed of Sirius treating him like a child. He was fifteen! Sirius was just seventeen. Well, almost eighteen, but still, the difference wasn't that big.

Sirius handed the goblin the key, who opened the vault swiftly. Regulus would've loved to explore at least that vault a bit, for Uncle Alphard's vault was obviously not dangerous, but Sirius just took a few handful pieces of gold, then took Regulus, who was already on and about to go deeper into the room, by the arm and dragged him back to the cart.

Outside, they met the Potters on the white marmoreal stairs leading down from the wizarding bank.

"I think you all could do with some new robes. Especially Regulus," Mrs. Potter remarked. "My, boy, you must have grown an inch at least over the last month. Look at your sleeves, how they barely are covering your ankles!"

Awkwardly, Regulus tugged at his sleeves. He hadn't noticed it until Mrs. Potter had pointed it out, but they really were too short by now. Sirius grinned at him.

"It's time you're growing. I've had my growth spurt at your age as well," He said. Even though Regulus barely reached Sirius' mouth, he was sure he had at least grown a bit over the holidays and was secretly happy about it. It wasn't as if he was small, compared to most boys at his age he was fairly tall, but he'd rather be a bit taller.

Maybe then Sirius would take him more serious, and not treat him like a child any longer.

James laughed. "Yeah, that was about the time you've started drinking out of the roof gutter." James was taller than Regulus too, but not quite as tall as Sirius.

Mr. Potter smacked James upside the head but grinned as well. Together they all went to buy new clothes for the upcoming year, at Madam Malkin's, much to Regulus' surprise.

Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions was quite the experience for Regulus, for his parents had always bought their clothing at Twilfitt and Tattings, an upmarket shop that owned by Rodolphus Lestrange's cousin and therefore a mecca for pure-blood families. They had always looked down at people who bought from Madam Malkin's, as if the robes you got there were cheap rags.

But Regulus felt as if there wasn't really a difference in quality, and when he thought about it now, the reason of the higher prices at Twilfitt and Tattings' appeared to be rather because they wanted to keep muggleborns and _blood traitors_ , who were usually not among the well-off wizards, away.

It was strange, but in the past, Regulus had never thought about it like that. Some shops were selecting their customers by blood status through prices – he had not realized it until now, but it was just as obvious as if they posted signs with "No blood traitors, no mudbloods" on their front doors.

Mrs. Potter ensured that all the boys would have new, fitting robes for the upcoming school year, and after a short visit to Magical Menageries they stopped at the Leaky Cauldron for lunch. They had found an empty table in the corner of the at this time of the month very crowded pub, and Tom had just brought them their lunch.

"Man, shopping is tiring," James sighed and slurped his pumpkin juice audibly, adding to the ambient noise mixed out of peoples' animated chatter and the discreet sounds of an accordion playing somewhere in the background.

"The worst part is over, mate. Now it's just Flourish and Blotts for the school books, and then we'll be able to buy… other, more important utensils." Sirius said with a twinkle in his eyes. Regulus grinned and shoved a piece of roast hog into his mouth. They all knew what Sirius meant, it was what they'd been waiting for the whole morning.

"Mum, Dad, after Flourish and Blotts, Sirius and I will go to Quality Quidditch Supplies and Gambol & Japes. Should we meet up later, somewhere?" James asked his parents, who were smiling at each other, knowing their boys too well.

"I need a few Potion supplies, and I guess Mum will spend her day at Flourish and Blotts again –" Mr. Potter said, smiling as he cut a piece off his game pie.

"You bet I will. I don't know how anyone can ever get enough of that shop. Books, everywhere! What else could you wish for?" Mrs. Potter was known to be an absolute bookworm, and mad about books and bookshops.

"So why don't we meet up at Flourish and Blotts later?" Mr. Potter suggested.

The boys agreed, and after lunch they went to Flourish and Blotts, and then decided to go over to the Joke shop.

For some time, Regulus trailed behind Sirius and James who were very interested in any new products, already planning a few pranks they could set up the upcoming school year.

After about an hour, though, Regulus felt bored, and would've loved to move on, but Sirius and James couldn't be prised away from the shop.

"Sirius? I'll go over to Quality Quidditch Supplies, okay?" He said after a while. Sirius nodded, while still half-listening to James who was planning a prank that they could set up on _Snivellus_ in potions.

"That'll teach him to snitch on us…" James grinned maliciously. Regulus rolled his eyes. He had come to almost like James over the holidays, but he always felt like a fifth wheel whenever James and Sirius were together. Even though his head told him he should stop thinking that way, Regulus couldn't. Sirius and James seemed to know each other so well, it didn't cease to surprise Regulus. And it angered him. He knew he was Sirius' little brother, and that they hadn't had much contact during the last years, but he wondered why Sirius didn't plan activities with him like he did with James. Had he been James, Regulus betted Sirius wouldn't have hesitated a second to explore their family's vaults at Gringotts.

Why couldn't they be friends, him and Sirius? Why did Sirius still regard him as a child, as a baby he dragged along with him, took care of, but not someone he confided in as a friend?

As he was on his way to the Quality Quidditch Supplies shop, just before the turning to Knockturn Alley, someone called his name.

"Regulus! Regulus Black!" A female voice.

Regulus turned around, scanned the crowd. It was difficult to say exactly from where the voice had come from, because Diagon Alley was very crowded right now and everywhere were people talking, walking, creating a loud rustle and bustle.

Then, suddenly, a dark-robed figure appeared in front of him.

Bellatrix Lestrange. Her wild locks were pinned up, and even so a few stray strands of hair were falling into her face as she tilted her head a bit to the side, flashing him a synthetic smile.

"Dear cousin, how long has it been!" She exclaimed, opened her arms and hugged him without really touching him, except for her sharp fingernails that pricked into his shoulders.

Regulus was at a loss for words for a moment, his muscles frozen, his mind empty and yet exploding. Bellatrix.

Her dark eyes bore into him, and he felt so vulnerable all off a sudden. As if she would see immediately that he had changed, that he had betrayed their values, she would have to see it, how the blood was draining from his face and retreating to his core organs –

"I've waited quite long for you, Reggie." Her tone was slightly sharp and on the other hand sickly sweet, her synthetic smile still firmly plastered on her pretty face.

Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't get a word out. Fear twisted his gut like a knife.

"I've heard that your brother has taken you. You poor thing. Couldn't you get away?" She asked, this time, her smile faded a bit, and her eyes were observing his every move sharply, even though her tone was still sweet and twee.

"I… he… he's my guardian now. I couldn't… leave," Regulus stammered. He knew it wouldn't be enough to satisfy her, but he didn't know what else to say.

Her eyes were the ones of a raptorial bird. "Oh, poor baby. I hope you are well, though. Now, you are safe." She took him by the arm, firmly, and started to lead him towards Knockturn Alley.

"Wait…" Regulus said breathlessly, but he didn't dare to resist nor did he find the courage. Desperately he looked back to the crowd, hoping to see Sirius or the Potters somewhere, someone who could help him. Bellatrix was ignoring him and continued to drag him along the narrow, dark alleyway.

Knockturn Alley was completely different from Diagon Alley, it seemed as if the sun had stopped shining, everything was in a dim light, and the narrow, dark places caused a tinge of claustrophobia creep up in him.

Regulus dug his heels in the cobblestones, trying to get her to halt. "Wait!" He exclaimed, looking back frantically, being forced to watch how Diagon Alley disappeared behind a corner.

Finally, she obliged.

"But what, my dear cousin. You do not seem to be very happy to see me," She said with a mock sad expression, pursing her lips.

Regulus' heart leapt to his throat. "No, no, I am – it's just, when Sirius realizes I'm gone… I need to be back before he sees me gone," He stammered, trying not to talk himself into trouble.

She mustered him, her dark eyes calculating. "Why, do you care about what the traitor thinks?" She asked, her voice suddenly harsh, dripping of contempt as she spoke of Sirius. She wouldn't even say his name.

"Of course not!" Regulus exclaimed, his eyes widening. She couldn't know how much he had changed. Otherwise, he would be in grave danger, he wouldn't be able to predict what she did next.

She laughed loudly, intentionally. "Sure you don't, Regulus. You're a good boy, aren't you?" She said sweetly.

Regulus grimaced. His heart beat to his throat, and he gulped down the panic attack that threatened to overcome him. He swallowed heavily, trying to calm his nerves.

He needed to be cunning now. _Come on, you're a Slytherin!_

"So what are you doing, interacting with the traitor? You know what he is. He is dead to us," She said in a deadly voice.

Regulus nodded quickly. "Yes, dead… but he's also accepted the name of the House of Black." He winced as Bellatrix' expression changed to rage, and continued quickly. "I – I just don't think all hope is forlorn on him. He's got potential, he's a pure-blood… he was turned by those damned blood traitors, but I know that there's still a chance I could… save him. Bring him back, to our side," Regulus explained, letting his intuition take over. He had to get out of here, back to Sirius, and he'd say or do whatever he had to for that.

Bellatrix scrutinized him coldly, then, suddenly, she produced a shrill laugh, her eyes holding his, a tinge of madness playing over her features.

Regulus felt her eyes bear into his, trying to read his thoughts, his feelings, searching for the truth. He kept his expression as serious as he could, tried to conjure up memories and emotions from the beginning of the holidays, when he had still hated Sirius – kind of, or at least still had believed in their cause.

Bellatrix said nothing for a few seconds and Regulus bravely held her stare. Then she reached out and patted the side of his face.

"Oh, sweet cousin. Always so gullible."

Regulus felt himself beginning to tremble and firmly gritted his teeth. "It would be a waste… he's of noble blood…" He said stiffly. Then, another thought entered his mind.

"If he won't be swayed, we'd still have a spy in their reigns, with me – they trust him, and he's naively thinking we were still held together by something like a brotherly bond – a twisted sense of responsibility, stupid Gryffindor, of course. But I could get information out of him, he's very popular in Gryffindor," Regulus stammered, trying not to let the fear take control over him. He just wanted back to Sirius so badly, away from here, back home, to safety.

"How do I know you are to be trusted, now that you are associating with traitors and whatnot?" She asked in a deep, dangerous voice, every trace of her fake smile gone. She leant near him, and he felt her hair touching the side of his face, felt her breath next to his ear.

"How do I know… you're not one of them?" She hissed into his ear.

Regulus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. But he forced himself to remain calm.

"I'm a Black. _Toujours pur._ You know me, cousin. I will remain faithful to the cause," He responded in a firm voice.

For a few moments, neither of them said a word, her black eyes were piercing into his grey ones. Eventually, she relaxed a bit, even though her eyes remained fixed on Regulus'.

"Of course you will. That's why I still trust you, and the Dark Lord as well. He thinks a lot of you, Regulus. You should feel honoured," She said in a hushed voice, but couldn't keep the excitement hidden as she spoke of her master.

Regulus looked at her, puzzled. "What do you mean?" He asked tentatively. This was getting darker and more dangerous by the minute. He wished he had just stayed at Gambol & Japes, with Sirius, or at Flourish and Blotts. Far away from Bellatrix.

"I will allow you to return to the traitor, Regulus. You seem to have a keen sense of what is needed these times. The Dark Lord will be very pleased by your commitment to the cause... Your parents would be very proud as well," Bellatrix added, again, in a sugar-sweet voice. "You know, your father asked the Dark Lord to take you into his ranks, even though you still are very young? This is your chance to prove that you are a real Black, unlike your brother, that traitorous piece of scum…" She grimaced in disgust for a second. "The holidays are soon over, but I guess you could still prove yourself worthy… I want you to come to my place, Friday evening, at nightfall. There will be a meeting of great importance. It's a huge honour to be invited, Regulus."

Regulus nodded quickly. Yes, whatever, he just wanted to go. It wasn't as if he would show up, of course, but he wouldn't have to see Bellatrix for a while. Then again, if he didn't show up, she would definitely know that he had changed sides. And that would be as good as if he had signed his own death sentence, at least in her eyes.

"Do you listen, Regulus? I expect you to be there, 10 o'clock, sharp. Don't disappoint me, cousin. You wouldn't want anything happening to your _dear Gryffindor brother_ , would you?" Bellatrix' voice was cold, sending shivers down his spine.

She didn't trust him one bit. He noticed her studying his every move, every twitch of his facial muscles and forced his face to remain as blank as possible.

"I will be there," He said shortly, keeping his voice firm, looking her directly in the eyes – not betraying a bit of his inner anxiety. She was threatening Sirius! Merlin, Sirius, not knowing about any of the danger he was in currently. One wrong move and he would sign the death sentences of himself _and_ his brother!

Bellatrix laughed, a cruel, cold crackle. "Wonderful," She said, showing her pearl-white teeth.

Regulus just nodded. They stared at each other for a moment, then she chuckled again, this time, madness could be heard in her voice as she lightly ruffled his hair, turned around and started walking down Knockturn Alley.

Regulus felt relief wash over him, and his knees got all wobbly and weak. He put a hand on the cold wall next to him to steady himself, while taking a deep, shuddering breath, his lungs felt compressed as if an iron fist clasped them. He still could feel his heart beat fast and strong, feel his blood pulsating through his legs and arms into his toes and fingertips.

Then he pushed himself up again. He needed to go back. To Sirius. He just wanted to go home. Feel safe.

With fast strides, having trouble to keep from running, Regulus went back to Diagon Alley, rejoined the crowd of students and parents, a happy chatter and bustle everywhere, but Regulus was oblivious to it. It was all violent motion, colours and noise around him.

He pushed his way through the crowd, not looking right and left, just wanting back to the Joke shop.

Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Regulus?"

Regulus turned around and looked directly into the worried eyes of Mr. Potter, who stood in front of him, gripping his shoulder tightly. Relief washed over him at first, but then he saw Mr. Potter's serious expression.

"Where were you, Regulus?" The man asked in a deep voice, not unfriendly, but his tone surely beheld some seriousness.

"I – I just was at Quality Quidditch Supplies," Regulus stammered.

"Really? As far as I remember it, Quality Quidditch Supplies is in Diagon Alley, not in Knockturn Alley _._ Am I wrong?"

"I… no, you're right," He responded in a low voice, avoiding Mr. Potter's eyes.

Mr. Potter sighed, and his grip on Regulus' shoulder lightened. "Come on, let's get you back to your brother," He said slowly, his eyes worried and almost… disappointed.

 **TBC…**

 **A/N: Sorry for the little cliffhanger, but I had to cut this chapter off at some point;)**


	17. A Lie

**Warnings: The usual...**

Regulus' stomach twisted. Mr. Potter would tell Sirius… Merlin. Not that too.

"Please… I just… I wasn't… I… Please don't – don't tell him?"

Mr. Potter's eyebrows creased. "I won't lie to Sirius. And you won't, either. Do you have any idea how dangerous Knockturn Alley is?"

"Please, he will be – upset, I didn't… I… It wasn't intentional," Regulus stammered.

" _Not intentional?_ Do you have any idea what it would do to Sirius should you be harmed? How _upset_ he would be then? There are people who care about you. I care about you as well, and that's why I can't close my eyes here." Mr. Potter spoke in a low, very serious voice, and still, Regulus felt as if he had yelled at him. The man had never scolded him before, had never even looked at him sternly. And suddenly Regulus felt like crying.

"Come," Mr. Potter said again.

Despondently, Regulus followed Mr. Potter back to the Gambol Japes and soon they could spot Sirius and James who were still rummaging around, admiring the different products and spilling over with ideas how they could use them in a funny way.

James looked up first and tugged at Sirius' sleeve when he saw his father's serious expression and Regulus' nervous one.

Sirius, still holding some rainbow-coloured marbles in his hands, turned and looked up as well, smiled as he recognized the two, but then his smile faltered as he saw their expressions.

"Everything okay, Reg?" He asked, looking questioningly from Regulus to Mr. Potter and back. Mr. Potter glanced at Regulus, and Regulus swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the giant lump in his throat.

"Can we go home, Sirius?" He asked in a small voice, avoiding his brother's eyes.

Sirius expression changed into worry, he dropped the marbles he had inspected a moment ago and stepped forward to look his little brother over. "What happened?" He asked, his throat constricting a bit.

Mr. Potter still had his hand on Regulus shoulder, though now he squeezed it gently. "Do you want to tell Sirius where you have been, Regulus, or shall I?"

"Tell me what? Regulus?" Sirius' voice was very worried now, and a tinge of fear flashed across his face.

Regulus opened his mouth, but couldn't get anything out. He just wanted to go home, so badly, and now he was in trouble too, thanks to Mr. Potter, even though he'd done nothing wrong.

"I saw Regulus coming from Knockturn Alley," Mr. Potter answered in Regulus' place, his voice low.

James gasped, and Sirius turned his wide, shocked eyes to Regulus. "Is that true?" He asked, feeling a big lump build in his throat. What did Regulus want in Knockturn Alley? Sirius didn't want his little brother there, Regulus knew that. Why had he disobeyed him?

When Regulus didn't answer, Sirius took another step forward and gripped Regulus' chin non-too-gently, forcing him to look up and into his eyes.

"Is it true that you were in Knockturn Alley?" He asked again, harshly this time.

Even though Sirius knew that Mr. Potter wouldn't lie to him, he wanted to hear it out of his brother's mouth. Maybe there was an explanation. Regulus had to have had a reason for going here – even though, what reason could that be?

"Please, can we go home?" Regulus said again, his voice quavering. Sirius' expression softened, he released Regulus' chin and put an arm around his brother.

"Sure we can," Sirius said in a low voice. Whatever had happened, his brother seemed so fragile and helpless right now, and this was not the place to discuss such things. There had to be an explanation. His brother would never deliberately disobey him on this – he knew exactly how dangerous Knockturn Alley could be.

Sirius turned to Mr. Potter and James, and Mr. Potter nodded shortly. "Please tell Mrs. Potter what happened and that I'm sorry we left without saying goodbye," Sirius said to Mr. Potter.

Mr. Potter cast him the ghost of a smile. "It's okay, Sirius. Go and tend to your brother." Sirius nodded silently, gripped Regulus firmly by the arm and apparated them both away.

Regulus was torn about going back to the cottage. On one hand, he was so relieved to be home, he almost cried, but on the other hand he was immensely anxious about what Sirius would do now.

His mind raced, and he tried to come up with a good excuse for why he had been in Knockturn Alley, but he couldn't. The only thing he knew was that he had to do what Bellatrix had told him, otherwise Sirius would be in danger. And he wouldn't let that happen. Sirius was all he had, and he wouldn't let anyone hurt him. If he had to attend Death Eater meetings and pretend to still be a pure-blood-supremacist, then so be it.

Sirius still held his arm firmly and led him straight into Regulus' bedroom, sat down on the bed and pulled Regulus along, making him sit next to him.

"So, Regulus. What happened?" Sirius asked.

Regulus didn't know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut and his face averted. Any excuse he could come up with just sounded stupid, and he just was so glad to be home again – somehow, he couldn't find it in him to care what Sirius would do next. Regulus' mind was far too occupied with thinking about Bellatrix and bigger problems.

He felt Sirius shift his position, the mattress sank in a little more as the older boy leaned near Regulus.

"Regulus, tell me, why were you in Knockturn Alley?" Sirius asked again.

Regulus shrugged. What was he supposed to say? Sirius would be angry anyway. There was no excuse for going to Knockturn Alley, he knew that.

Regulus knew as well that if he told Sirius the truth, Sirius most likely wouldn't punish him, but Regulus couldn't risk that. He would rather take a punishment each time over risking his brother's life. Sirius would never let him go to the meeting. And then their fates would be sealed.

He heard Sirius sigh exasperatedly.

"Regulus. Stop ignoring me." This time, Sirius sounded sterner.

"I'm not ignoring you. I just don't know what to say," Regulus answered honestly.

"You don't know what to say? It's simple, I want you to tell me what you think you had to do in Knockturn Alley! You know I don't want you near that place!"

Regulus shrugged his shoulders again. He didn't want to lie to Sirius, but he couldn't tell him the truth either. He studied his shoes, still a bit dusty from the streets, and here and there was a blade of grass and some pieces of dirt nestled in his shoe soles from walking across the meadows to the cottage. _I should have taken them off at the front door…_

"Regulus! I'm talking to you!" Sirius said loudly. Regulus jumped a bit at the volume but otherwise kept quiet. He knew he was angering Sirius even more with his unresponsiveness, but he had no energy in him to come up with a proper lie. He just wanted to lay down on his bed and cry, or hug his brother, but none of that seemed to be appropriate right now, so the only option left was to keep quiet.

"What is it, Regulus? This is not like you. Why are you behaving like this?" Sirius took hold of Regulus' chin again, turning his face to look at him. "Look at me!" He commanded sternly after Regulus kept his eyes focused on the ground.

Regulus showed no reaction.

"Look. at. me!" Sirius gritted out. He was getting really annoyed with Regulus and fought hard to remain calm.

Regulus finally obeyed, and grey eyes met matching grey ones. Sirius' eyes bore into his as if he tried to read his thoughts.

"Why, Regulus?" Sirius' eyes were bearing into Regulus'. The younger boy bit the inside of his lip, looking at Sirius' nose instead of into his eyes. He couldn't tell Sirius. He just couldn't.

"I was… I just went in, okay?" Regulus said defensively. His thoughts were a mess, he couldn't come up with something better, and he found himself barely caring. He just wanted Sirius to leave him alone and stop asking.

"You… just went in?" Sirius echoed incredulously. Searched his brother's expressions for some emotion, for some indication what the truth might be. But Regulus' face remained emotionless as he nodded against Sirius' hand, his chin still in his brother's tight grip.

Sirius shook his head. He knew Regulus was lying, he could hear it in his brother's voice, could see it in his eyes.

"I don't believe you," He stated firmly. Regulus didn't even bat an eye at that, just kept staring blankly at Sirius.

"Why are you lying to me?" Sirius asked, watching his brother's every move like a hawk.

"I'm not lying," Regulus answered simply, then looked away again.

This time, Sirius had to physically restrain himself from delivering a sound smack to his brother's backside for lying alone. He let go of Regulus' chin and put his hands on the side of the mattress, gripping the covers so tightly that his knuckles went white.

He tried to calm himself down, concentrated on the pattern of the old-fashioned wallpaper.

Regulus sat stone-still, next to him. Sirius closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

"What are the rules, Regulus?" He asked in a deep voice, not looking at his brother.

Regulus seemed to sense his brother's anger, for he obeyed immediately this time, not ignoring him any further.

"No putting myself in danger, no disobeying, no lying, no disrespect."

"That's right. So why do you continue to lie to me? You're my little brother, I only want what's best for you."

Regulus heart constricted at that. He knew Sirius just wanted what was best for him, he felt exactly the same way for Sirius. He didn't want his brother to get hurt.

"I know that." He looked down, shuffling his feet. "I don't lie, Sirius. I just went in, without thinking about it. I've done it so many times, it was the regular route I always took with Mother and Father."

Sirius looked at him silently. Waiting. Hoping Regulus might say something else. But Regulus was looking at the floor, his right hand picking at his bottom lip. Sirius felt himself getting desperate. He knew his brother, he could see it, feel it, the lie between them.

"Please," He implored in a low voice. "Is this really the truth? Please, be truthful. Nothing hurts me more than you lying to me, not trusting me enough to tell the truth. Please, Reg."

Regulus felt his heart break at the sight of his brother pleading with him. Merlin, any other situation, and he would've thrown himself into Sirius' arms and confessed everything.

But not this time. He couldn't tell Sirius. It was for their own good. Sirius had protected him before, had given him a home, the feeling of being loved, a true family.

He could never repay him for that. But he could keep his brother from being harmed by Bellatrix. He wouldn't let her touch even a hair on Sirius' head.

"It's the truth," he said firmly.

Sirius' face fell and he averted his eyes, hiding his disappointment, taking a deep breath. He knew, in his heart, that Regulus was lying to him. Reg would never have gone to Knockturn Alley just like that. Reg knew that he had to be careful, he knew that Knockturn Alley was absolutely forbidden. Sirius shook his head, wrapped up in his thoughts. Regulus had changed immensely over the holidays, he wasn't like that anymore, he just wasn't. Sirius was sure about that.

And he felt hurt. Being lied to hurt worse than he had imagined, especially when it came from his brother. _Trust._ A beautiful thing, but where was it right now? Where was the trust he had hoped Reg would put into him? _Don't you trust me to do the right thing? Don't you see how much I try?_

"Have you at least been at Quality Quidditch Supplies like you told me?" He asked bitterly.

Regulus bit his lip.

Being ignored, again. Sirius felt a surge of hot anger boil up inside of him. "I swear Regulus… tell me the truth. I'm at my patience's end. You understand me? Have you lied to me about going to the Quidditch Shop?" Sirius asked very slowly, his voice low but with a sharp tone added to it. Sirius absolutely meant it.

Regulus shook his head. "No, I really wanted to go to the Quidditch Shop. But I didn't get there…" He let his voice die away.

That Sirius did believe. At least this time, Regulus hadn't lied to him. Though it didn't matter much, he still didn't know what to do. His first impulse was to apparate to the Potters and ask for help. But then again, Regulus was his responsibility. What would that say about his ability to care for his brother, if he couldn't even handle _this_ by himself, couldn't handle his brother lying to him? Anyway, he already knew what Mr. Potter would say. _Convince him to tell you the truth. You're the parent now._

Sirius leaned forward and rested his elbows on the tops of his thighs, hiding his face in his hands.

Next to him, he felt Regulus shifting uneasily on the mattress.

"Sirius…?" Regulus' voice, softly calling his name.

"I'm not sure about how to handle this, Reg," Sirius confessed, keeping his face hidden.

"I'm sorry," Regulus offered in a small voice.

Sirius sighed. "For what?" _Please, Reg._

Regulus thought about that for a moment. "For making you upset," He whispered.

Sirius just wanted to cry. He had thought they had achieved something over the holidays, sure, things weren't perfect, but he had thought that he'd finally showed Regulus that he could trust him. That he could trust Sirius to handle things, to protect him, and that he could tell Sirius everything.

Obviously, he had been wrong. What was Regulus afraid of?

"Are you afraid of telling me the truth?" Sirius asked in a hushed voice, not trusting himself to speak loudly right now.

When Regulus didn't answer, Sirius asked again, hesitantly, almost in a whisper. "Are you afraid of… _me_?"

Regulus looked at him shocked, with large, surprised eyes, then he shook his head quickly. "No, I'm not afraid of you. I trust you."

"Do you?" Sirius straightened up, squaring his shoulders, lifting his head.

"Yes."

"Then why don't you trust me with the truth? Whatever it is, Reg, it can't be that bad – I promise I won't go mental if that's what you're afraid of."

"I'm not afraid, Sirius. I'm telling you the truth. I'm sorry," Regulus whispered.

Sirius grimaced painfully. The sight of his brother's sad face made him want to take Reg into his arms and comfort him. But he couldn't, not after Regulus lying to him.

 _What am I supposed to do?_

He didn't have any evidence, he was absolutely dependent on Regulus telling him what really happened eventually. And he sure as hell wouldn't beat it out of his little brother like their father would have.

So would he just have to punish his little brother for putting himself in danger by going into Knockturn Alley, even though they both knew that Reg had also lied?

That didn't feel right. He couldn't do that.

Sirius knew that Regulus deserved a spanking for going to Knockturn Alley if he had just done it out of boredom or carelessness. But Sirius didn't believe that.

Without the truth, how was he supposed to be fair? How was he supposed to treat his brother fairly, how was he supposed to teach him something? _How am I supposed to fix what's wrong without knowing the problem?_

Sirius sighed as he watched Regulus fidget a bit under his stare, silence lay between them. He was torn. He was so angry at Regulus for lying again and again. His fingers really itched to give his brother a few good smacks – alone for treating him like an idiot. Sirius had pleaded with him to tell him the truth, and Regulus didn't seem impressed by that at all. But then, it wouldn't be a punishment if Sirius did it just out of hurt feelings. And as a punishment for lying… he couldn't do that, not without evidence. It would just make Regulus shut himself off even further.

What was the real topic here? Regulus had confessed to lying before, and it wasn't like Regulus to be that stubborn and disrespectful towards him. There had to be something else. This was not just Regulus being defiant.

"What do you think would be appropriate consequences for what you did?" Sirius asked slowly.

Regulus knitted his eyebrows in confusion, his face twitching. "Um… I…" He stammered. Then he shook his head.

"No, Sirius. You are the one to decide that," he said, with meaning.

It was bad enough that he would be punished for going to Knockturn Alley, but that was alright with Regulus because he knew that he had lied to Sirius, so he felt guilty anyway. Maybe punishment would help him to stop feeling so bad. But he was not the _guardian_ here. He wouldn't choose his own punishment, that would be too much to ask for. And it was a trick of Sirius' anyway, to fool him into telling him the truth. He wouldn't fall for it.

Sirius scoffed. "Then let me rephrase that, for what do you want to be punished? For putting yourself in danger or for lying?"

Regulus crossed his arms. Sirius was really adamant with the lying thing, and by now it was beginning to annoy Regulus. He wasn't that bad of a liar, so how could Sirius be so sure that he had lied to him?

"I _said_ I didn't lie," the younger boy snapped.

"You want to be punished for lying then." Sirius nodded.

Regulus gritted his teeth. Why couldn't Sirius just let it go?

"No! I put myself in danger, I went to Knockturn Alley! Why is that so difficult to understand for you?" He responded vigorously.

"Why is it so difficult to tell me what really happened? I don't believe you one bit."

"I _told you_! Mr. Potter saw me in Knockturn Alley, I was there! What do you want? Just do whatever you want but leave it alone now!" Regulus shouted the last part.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. _Me leaving it alone - you'd like that, wouldn't you?_ "That's not how you talk to me. Do you take me for a fool? Who do you think I am, Regulus?"

Regulus glared at Sirius.

"This was not a rhetorical question. Who do you think I am, Regulus?"

"What? What question is that? Who you are?" Regulus snapped, annoyed.

"It is quite simple. Think about it, you're smart, you'll figure it out." Sirius said snidely. He crossed his arms over his chest and leant back against the bed's headboard.

Regulus looked at him for a few moments, his expression a mixture of anger and confusion. Finally, he sighed. "You're my brother."

"Be more specific."

"You're my guardian," Regulus said grudgingly.

"That's right," Sirius said firmly. "I'm your guardian. And as such, I have a _right_ to get told the truth."

Regulus opened his mouth, but Sirius was faster.

"Is it okay to treat your guardian like an idiot?"

Regulus swallowed. "No…" He mumbled.

"Then why do you do it?" Sirius asked, uncrossing his arms again, his eyes not leaving Regulus'.

"I don–"

Sirius lifted his finger in warning. " _Regulus._ " His voice dropped an octave it seemed as he gritted his brother's name out between his teeth.

Regulus closed his mouth again. There was no way out of this. Sirius _knew_ he was lying, how, Regulus didn't know, but it didn't matter right now. Sirius was right, somehow. He had treated him like an idiot, even though unintentionally. He had underestimated him. His big brother wasn't stupid. It would be better not to say too much now. Sirius had him cornered, circling him verbally like a predator its prey.

They stared at each other. Neither of them blinked. Hard, unyielding stares, piercing, holding each other. Finally, after his eyes started itching, Regulus looked away.

Sirius sighed. "I don't know why you think it is okay to treat me like this, but I assure you, it's not. Maybe that would be an appropriate punishment for now… I want you to write me an essay. About why not to treat me like an idiot, and how you think I _deserve_ to be treated. I want you to include the roles we both hold in this family. My role, your role. And I want a paragraph on how you want to be treated by me. At least five pages." Sirius said, not having moved an inch or having changed his expression.

"What does that have to do with anything? This is stupid."

"Figure it out," Sirius said pointedly.

"This doesn't have to do anything with me going to Knockturn Alley! I _told you –"_ Regulus tried again, but was interrupted by Sirius.

"An essay about why not to lie to me as well. One page. You can start right now," Sirius said, getting up. "I'll call you later, for dinner, and I want to see some progress then. So, for now, you can stay here, in your room, think about your behaviour, and write."

He went to the door, then, in the doorpost paused, and turned around.

"If you decide to tell me the truth you can come out, or call for me."

Regulus looked absolutely livid. Sirius smirked slightly after he had turned around again and mentally complimented himself on tricking Regulus into showing his true emotions. And Slytherins thought they were the cunning ones.

He left the room without sparing Regulus another glance, feeling strangely satisfied, in a very grim, determined way. One to zero for him.

Regulus stayed in his room for the rest of the afternoon. Even though they both knew that he had lied, he couldn't admit it. And he didn't even want to – he was doing the right thing.

It wasn't as if he was lying to get out of trouble. He was protecting his brother, and was, to be honest, pretty angry at Sirius for accusing him of being a liar. Sirius had no evidence, he just thought he knew better than Regulus because he was older and his _guardian_.

Regulus was alright with the guardian thing – it meant he wouldn't have to go to Bellatrix, it meant he could stay with his brother, it meant for them to be a family again.

And even though he didn't like to admit it, he was okay with the _rules_ Sirius had established, sort of.

But this was an exception. Sirius saw things in a much too simple way and he endangered them both by doing so. They would be in much less danger if Regulus went to the meeting, and lied to Sirius. So the stupid rules didn't make sense here.

But of course, Sirius still thought of him as a child. It was the same in Gringotts, or when he was interacting with James – James was his friend, his equal, and Regulus was the child that was not allowed to do the fun stuff.

It was unfair. He was fifteen! Not a child at all. Why couldn't Sirius see that? Why did Sirius never give him any credit for what he did? Why did he have to justify each and every move he made? Sirius just did what he deemed right, without having to justify himself in front of Regulus.

They were brothers. The relationship was a two-way-street. And Sirius was just being a jerk.

Regulus crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the parchments on his desk. An essay! Sirius must have lost his mind. Regulus would _not_ write a punishment essay about lying and treating Sirius as an idiot. That would equal confessing, and he wouldn't do that.

* * *

Dinner was a silent affair that evening.

Sirius kept looking at Regulus, observing him, making him uncomfortable, and Regulus shoved the dinner into his mouth as fast as possible, eager to escape the situation.

"How far have you gotten with the essay yet?" Sirius asked after Regulus had wolfed down the last spoonful, and attempted to get up. Sirius hadn't eaten that much yet, he had mainly observed his brother and hoped Regulus would just give up and confess. Regulus didn't, though, stubborn like he was.

Regulus just ignored his brother and shoved his chair back.

" _Stay!"_ Sirius pressed out.

Regulus pointedly rolled his eyes, but slumped back down in his chair.

"You will stop this right now!"

"I'm not doing anything," Regulus responded brazenly.

"You don't ignore me!"

"I don't. So what's your problem?"

"Wha – you do! You _do_ ignore me! That's my fucking problem, your whole attitude and the constant lying!" Sirius snapped, his tone rising with his temper.

"I said I didn't lie." Regulus glared at his big brother.

Sirius growled, and closed his eyes for a second, flexing his jaw muscles, trying to calm down. "I know what you said, and I know that just this is a lie as well. Do you need a smack in order to remember the rule of no lying?" Sirius' voice was deadly, and he put his spoon down next to his plate and rested his bare palms on the table's surface. He was quite frustrated that his punishment wasn't working as well as he had expected it to. Maybe other means were necessary.

" _I'm not a child!_ " Regulus roared, embarrassed and enraged at the same time, gripping the table's end so firmly his knuckles went white.

Sirius slammed his right palm on the table's surface.

" _Then stop acting like one!_ I'm asking you again, and I want an honest answer, Regulus: How far are you with the essay?"

When Regulus again made no attempt to answer, just shot his older brother deadly glares, Sirius pushed his chair back and got up, approaching Regulus threateningly.

"Last chance," Sirius growled.

Regulus, sensing the danger the wellbeing of his backside was in, got up as well and backed away in the direction of the living room. Still, he wasn't able to control his anger. "You're such a git, Sirius! I won't do the stupid essay, you can stuff it up -" He shouted but didn't get any further.

That did it. Sirius lunged forward and grabbed Regulus on his wrist. He quickly pulled the younger boy towards him and tucked him under his arm, delivering a hard smack to Regulus' backside.

The boy jumped forwards. "Ow! Are you nuts?"

"What did you say?" Sirius asked sharply, keeping Regulus firmly in position, raising his hand again.

When Regulus kept silent and just struggled with all his strength, Sirius delivered another smack, just as hard.

Regulus grunted, but he made no attempt for a real response.

" _What did you say?_ " Another smack, even harder than the previous ones had been. Hadn't Regulus been restricted by the firm arm around his upper body, the smack would've sent him stumbling forwards a few steps.

"Oww – alright, I'll do it! Just let me go!" Regulus shouted as he desperately tried to bend his by now stinging backside away and out of Sirius' reach, his ears burning from embarrassment. He was fifteen, for Merlin's sake! Way too old for -

Sirius' hand descended one last time, causing Regulus to yelp. Then he let him up, although he kept a firm hold on his little brother's upper arm while with his right hand he withdrew his wand. With a wave, Regulus' empty plate disappeared and a few parchments and a quill came flying across the room, alighting on the kitchen table.

"I've had it with the lying and the disrespect! Sit down and start writing!" Sirius ordered in a hard voice, sitting his brother firmly back down on his chair at the kitchen table, ignoring the soft wince the younger boy made as his bottom came in contact with the chair.

Then he went back to his own place across to Regulus and continued to eat his dinner, watching his brother with a hard stare. Regulus sniffed and glared at his brother, but after fidgeting uncomfortably in his chair for a few moments and a stern look from Sirius, he relented and picked up the quill, scowling.

Sirius silently sighed to himself, feeling exhausted. This had gotten way out of control. He didn't want them to fight – if Regulus would just tell him the truth! But his little brother was a tough nut to crack. He couldn't take this lightly. Going to Knockturn Alley was not something he could overlook, nor was lying – especially lying that had to do with his little brother going to said place, putting himself in danger.

He needed to keep Regulus away from all of that. Everything that could have to do with Dark Magic or supporters of … Voldemort. Sirius grimaced, even at the thought of the name. Voldemort. He wouldn't get his little brother, Sirius wouldn't let it happen.

Somehow he would find a way to keep his little brother safe. Whether Regulus liked it or not.

After he finished his dinner, Sirius summoned a Quidditch book and read a bit, still sitting opposite to Regulus, the only sounds in the kitchen were the scratching of the quill on parchment and the occasional rustle of the books' pages being turned.

Minutes turned into an hour, and then into two. Sirius watched Regulus stretch his fingers from time to time, it was already getting dark outside when Regulus had finished the first essay. Sirius was relieved about it. Maybe now, Regulus had calmed down and they could talk reasonably. Maybe now Sirius would understand what the problem was.

Regulus put the quill down and collected the pages, sorted them, then, wordlessly, reached the papers out. Sirius took them and motioned with for Regulus to stay in his chair. Regulus obeyed, massaging his fingers as he looked out of the kitchen window, decidedly avoiding to acknowledge Sirius or even look at his older brother.

The essay was exactly five pages long, how Sirius had requested it, but not a line longer. The first part of the essay was very formal, saying that Sirius was the guardian and therefore deserved to be treated respectfully, and Regulus didn't go into too much detail.

The second part was more interesting. The word 'brothers' was significantly more frequently used than 'guardian' or 'ward' like in the first part.

"So you think the same rules should apply to both of us." It was more a statement than a question. "You think we are equals in this relationship?"

Regulus shrugged. "Yeah. You think you know so much more than I do, but you're actually not much older. You still go to school. We're not that different."

"Really? As far as I remember it, I'm almost eighteen, and you're just barely fifteen. In my book, that's a huge difference, especially concerning legal matters. I'm an adult. You're not. Whether you like it or not, you're still a child, legally," Sirius said firmly.

"I'm not a child! You just think I am, but I'm not! I can protect myself, I don't need you to treat me like a baby!"

Regulus exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing angrily.

"What? Why would you think I treat you like a baby?" Sirius said, shaking his head. He was allowing his brother much more freedom than he or James had had at Regulus' age. Regulus could do what he pleased, most of the time at least, and the few rules that existed were agreed upon on both sides, or at least Sirius had thought so.

"I'm not allowed to go where I want, and you always think you need to keep me _safe_ , hold my hand! But you don't, I'm almost an adult as well. I should be allowed to go to Knockturn Alley if I wanted to.

If you wanted to visit Knockturn Alley or any other place you forbid me to go, you'd just go there, and no one would yell at you for _disobeying_."

"Did I yell at you? As far as I remember it, I asked you calmly why you went there, and _you_ were the one who got all ignorant and lied to me! You need to understand that I am the one who is responsible here! I am the one who is responsible _for you_! Believe it or not, but I have changed over the last years. I am allowed to go to Knockturn Alley, but I am responsible enough _not to do it_ because I realize the dangers! I have grown up, a lot, but you're not that far yet Reg, and even though you've already grown up a lot, in some ways you _are_ still a kid and you need to be that for some more time – there's no shame in that. I needed that too, with the Potters. They showed me how things worked, what was the right thing to do, they took the responsibility to raise me, only with that I could grow up enough to act responsibly… and be responsible for you, now."

Sirius sighed.

"I want you to not having to worry about a thing, Reg. I want you to be happy, laughing, enjoying each and every moment of your life. And I'll watch out for you while you grow up in peace. We all will. Why wouldn't you want that? It's not degrading to be a kid, Reg. It's something precious, and I want you to think so as well." Sirius folded his hands on the table in front of him, tilting his head slightly to the side as he observed his brother.

Regulus sucked on his bottom lip, looking at Sirius' folded hands. His anger had left him, especially after seeing Sirius' caring expression. Now he only felt drained.

It sounded beautiful, when Sirius explained it like this, being protected, growing up safe and shielded like Sirius wanted him to. But he couldn't. He didn't have that time. There were more dangers out there than Sirius estimated, and Regulus was the reason they were endangering them both. He needed to stand up against it as well. Alone. Tears welled up in Regulus' eyes.

"Reg… I cannot… _cannot_ have you in danger. Do you understand? I just… Please, don't work against me. We're a family, Reg. There for each other, always, how a real family's supposed to be. I'm not leaving your side, okay? I can't. I won't. Never again. So please don't push me away. Because I won't leave, whatever happens, whatever you do. Nothing can be so bad that we can't stand united against it."

"I'm sorry," Regulus blurted out.

He wanted to tell Sirius so badly about everything. About Bellatrix, about the meeting. Suddenly, he felt like the weight of it all was almost crushing him. Maybe that was what Sirius meant. He wasn't strong enough to carry it.

But he had to.

For a short time, life had been too good to be true. It had been without any worries overshadowing his days, just filled with joy and love. Now, it seemed that that was over. Real life had him again. The little dream-bubble of safety had burst, and all that was left was the immense fear of losing his brother.

Sirius felt himself almost holding his breath. "For what are you sorry, Reg?" He asked, his eyes firmly focused on his little brother. Pleading with him.

"I didn't want you to worry…"

"Reg… I worry because I know there's something you don't tell me. I just want to help. Please let me."

Regulus closed his eyes and bit his trembling bottom lip, in an attempt to force back the tears. He couldn't be weak now. He opened his eyes again, meeting the worried expression of his brother. Just a second later, he teared up again, and his vision blurred.

Merlin, he couldn't do it. He needed to relieve some of the weight, at least.

"I… I lied… Bellatrix saw me. She dragged me with her to Knockturn Alley, b-but I managed to get away as soon as I could. That's when Mr. Potter saw me."

A second later Regulus felt a pair of strong arms encircling him, pulling him up against Sirius' shoulder.

The worries of the day started to come to the surface, the fear, the stress.

He started to cry bitterly into his big brother's shoulder.

"Hey, Reg, it's okay. You're safe now. I'm so glad you told me." Sirius' voice was soft, and even so he felt as if he forced it out of his throat.

Bellatrix. She had been so close to his brother.

Regulus, helpless. Today, without Sirius knowing about it.

His little brother. Unprotected. Vulnerable. Scared.

Sirius' stomach turned at the thought. He grabbed Regulus tighter, felt his brother shake with sobs, soaking the front of his shirt with tears.

"Look, now you're not alone with it any longer. You don't have to face this problem alone, Reg. I'm here, I'll do anything – believe me. It's okay."

"I-I'm sorry! I don't know why I cry so much…" Regulus sobbed into Sirius' shirt.

"There's no shame in crying, Reg. Everybody does from time to time, and it's okay," Sirius whispered into Regulus' hair and he unconsciously started to rock his little brother softly.

Comforted by the familiar embrace, Regulus calmed down after a few minutes. He felt lighter, relieved that the things between him and Sirius were almost right again and that the lie that had stood between them had been minimized – even though the knot hadn't left his stomach completely. But it was bearable now.

The topic of the meeting was still there, but he pushed it out of his mind quickly, not wanting to think about it, not now. He needed to get his strength back first.

"Do you want a hot chocolate?" Sirius asked him gently, carding his fingers through his little brother's hair. Regulus nodded, rubbing his eyes, a bit embarrassed about how he had carried on.

Sirius lifted Regulus up by the arms, led him over into the living room and advised him to lie down on the couch for a bit. Then he went back into the kitchen, heated up some milk and chocolate. He noticed that his hands were trembling slightly as he lifted the cup to take it back into the living room, and paused for a second, took a deep breath, tried to calm his nerves.

 _At least I know the problem now._

Bellatrix. That was about the worst thing that could have happened, Bellatrix almost swiping his little brother.  
And he, Sirius, had failed to protect him. He had left him alone, he had rather stayed at the Joke shop, looked at prank-playthings, than to keep an eye on his brother.

He should have known better. Andromeda had warned him even, and he had failed all the same.

He had been laughing, with James, at the Joke Shop, while Reg was frightened, in deadly danger.

He had failed his brother.

 _Failure._

Sirius entered the living room again and handed Regulus, who now sat on the couch with crossed legs and his head bent, the hot cup of chocolate. Then he sank down on the couch next to his brother, silently, watching Reg take a sip, regarding his brother's slender hands, his red eyes, the way his fringe fell into his face.

Reg was so young, so vulnerable. Still a child in so many ways. It was so unfair that his little brother was being threatened.

Sirius hated his parents for it. For bringing Regulus into this. For endangering him like this, their own child. For not caring about anyone but themselves and their damned pure-blood mania. They should have protected him. Not dragged him into this… madness.

Regulus put the cup down again, having drunk the hot liquid quickly. He rested his hands in his lap, looking down. They were silent for some time, each of them wrapped up in their individual thoughts.

"Reg?" Sirius said gently.

Regulus looked up, meeting Sirius' eyes.

"Would you please tell me what happened? In detail?" Sirius needed to know what exactly had happened, to prevent it from happening again.

Regulus looked back at his hands. "I… was on my way to the Quidditch shop. Then, suddenly, there was Bellatrix calling my name – I didn't know it was Bellatrix then, but I paused, and suddenly she was there and dragged me to Knockturn Alley. It all went so fast. And then she was… asking about where I had been." He looked up and met Sirius' eyes again. "I have been supposed to meet up with her at the beginning of the holidays… before you brought me here." Then he looked back down. "She wanted me to come with her… but I could convince her of letting me stay with you."

"Did she hurt you, or threaten you?" Sirius asked, very concerned now, looking his brother over.

He noticed Regulus hesitating for a second. "She didn't hurt me… she just… it was scary. I was afraid that she wouldn't let me go back..."

It all made sense to Sirius. He remembered Regulus' helpless expression when Mr. Potter had brought him back to the Joke Shop, he remembered how Regulus had begged for them to go back home. And he had yelled at him, had made him write the essay, had even smacked him…

Sirius leant forward and pulled his brother into another hug, felt Regulus melt against his body.

"I'll never let her take you, I promise," He said tightly. "I'm sorry I was so strict with you. But I need to know such things. I need you to be truthful, because I love you, and I can't have you in danger. You're my little brother, Reg. I'm so sorry I wasn't with you..."

"You couldn't have prevented it. She would've found me at one point or another." Regulus mumbled.

"No, I shouldn't have left you alone. She won't get to you again." Sirius said, hugging his brother tighter.

"You can't watch me all the time, Sirius." Regulus said slowly.

"I will if it's necessary. There's nothing more important to me than you, savvy?"

Regulus' stomach tightened again. He knew he would have to meet Bellatrix again, and it would be him who went to her this time. But Sirius wouldn't understand it, he couldn't know about it. Sirius was the most important person for Regulus as well. He wouldn't let the Death Eaters harm his brother either. And it was better him than Sirius.

He was already stained. He already had done bad things. But Sirius was good. He had always been better than Regulus, had had a purer heart. Regulus wouldn't be able to live with himself if anything happened to Sirius. He wouldn't drag Sirius with him into the darkness.

It was his burden to bear, not Sirius'.

Nevertheless, he nodded against his big brother's shoulder. He couldn't let Sirius sense any more secrets. Sirius knew him too well, and usually, that wasn't a bad thing, but now it could endanger them both. He needed to hide his secret in the back of his mind, not think about it, and Sirius wouldn't be able to notice anything. Hopefully.

 **TBC...**


	18. A Different You

The remaining evening, Sirius felt restless. He paced around a lot and wouldn't even permit Regulus to go to the nearby beach after sunset. Regulus scowled but relented. Sirius wasn't very talkative either and instead was keeping his nose buried deeply in books the whole evening until Regulus finally retreated to his bedroom, unnerved by Sirius' behaviour.

The next morning wasn't any better, if anything, it was worse. Sirius was deep in thought, his face grim, waltzing books, even during breakfast.

"We're going to the Potters," Sirius announced suddenly, clapping the book he'd currently read shut.

"Huh? Okay… Why?" Regulus asked slowly. Actually, he didn't feel like seeing the Potters again so soon after yesterday. He didn't want to be reminded of the previous day at all nor did he fancy having to answer questions the Potters sure would have. Sirius was behaving bad enough, and he didn't want Mr. and Mrs. Potter starting to do so as well, worrying, making him feel even more guilty for planning to go to the meeting.

"Because I need to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Potter," Sirius said curtly, getting up. "Have you finished your breakfast?"

Regulus nodded. "Is everything okay? You're acting strange, Sirius."

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just need to… please, get ready. Are you ready?" Sirius' thoughts were clearly in a muddle.

Regulus pushed his plate away and got up, casting wary glances at Sirius as he followed him out of the house and to their usual apparition point.

A few minutes later they were at the Potter's, knocking on the front door. Mrs. Potter opened it, wiping her mealy hands on her flowery patterned pinafore.

"Sirius! Regulus! How nice to see you, come in!" She smiled and stepped aside, opening the door for them.

"Fleamont!" She called loudly for her husband after closing the door behind them.

"James is not here, he's at Remus', but if he had known you would come, I'm sure he would've stayed here or invited Remus over –" She paused when she noticed Sirius' expression. "Love, are you alright?"

At that moment, Mr. Potter appeared in the doorway to the living room, his reading glasses still on the tip of his nose. "Yes, Euphemia? – Oh, hello Sirius and Regulus." His eyebrows creased as he saw their expressions, then looked to his wife, sensing that something was wrong. "What is the matter?"

"I need to talk to you both," Sirius said. As soon as he had entered the house and seen his surrogate parents, a wave of relief built up inside of him, help was near, they would know what to do.

"Of course. Maybe we should all sit down in the living room?" Mr. Potter suggested.

Sirius nodded, and the four went to sit down on the couch and the armchairs. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were looking worriedly from Sirius to Regulus and back while Regulus kept his eyes focused on Sirius.

"Bellatrix dragged Regulus to Knockturn Alley, yesterday," Sirius blurted out, not knowing how else to start.

Mrs. Potter gasped, and her and her husband's eyes immediately flicked over to Regulus.

"Are you alright, child? Has she hurt you?" Mrs. Potter asked, almost getting up from her seat to go over to Regulus and look him over, but Regulus shook his head quickly.

"No, she didn't hurt me. She just… talked to me, wanted to take me with her. But everything's fine now, I got away." Regulus looked over to his big brother. Was this really the only reason Sirius had visited the Potters? He didn't think simply meeting Bellatrix had been such a big deal. Nothing had happened, at least nothing Sirius knew of, so why was he reacting like this?

"It's not _fine_ that she threatened you! Don't you realize the danger you have been in? Anything could've happened – and I had no idea!" Sirius responded agitatedly.

"You're overreacting," Regulus mumbled grumpily, more to himself than to anyone else, but Sirius heard it anyway.

"Excuse me? I daresay I'm not, it's you who thinks this was not even worth mentioning! You planned on not telling me at all!" Sirius' voice had risen in volume and was heaving now.

"Calm down, Sirius," Mr. Potter said calmly, but with authority. Sirius took a deep breath but then managed to calm down, his posture relaxing a bit.

"Tell us what happened, Regulus. Please," Mr. Potter prompted, leaning slightly forward, his eyes firmly focused on Regulus.

Regulus reluctantly repeated what he had already told Sirius, careful not to go into too much detail. He didn't want to talk about this topic. He didn't want the Potters to pepper him with questions for every answer increased the possibility that he might say too much or that they grew suspicious of his shortened story.

"What did you tell her to convince her of letting you go back?" Mr. Potter asked. Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking slightly surprised as if that question hadn't occurred to him at all.

"I told her that the holidays were going to be over in a few days anyway, and all my stuff was with Sirius. And…" he cast a cautious glance around, then lowered his eyes and looked at his feet before continuing, "I told her that … Sirius wasn't that bad, that he was a pure-blood and might be… convinced to… return to their side, so I wanted to stay with him and try to do so." He looked up again, now with a pained expression. "I'm sorry Sirius! But I knew that this was the only way she'd let me go back."

But Sirius' expression was soft, and his eyes held so much care and tenderness for his brother. "It's okay, Reg. Whatever you had to say to get away from her, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you are safe."

Then Sirius turned to Mr. and Mrs. Potter. "I need to keep this from happening again. Bellatrix must not come near him again," he said with meaning.

Mr. Potter nodded while Mrs. Potter was still sympathetically regarding Regulus who stared at his feet again.

"Don't feel guilty about it, Regulus. What Sirius said is true, believe me. We are all relieved that you are unharmed," Mrs. Potter said, reached out and patted Regulus knee softly. Regulus bit his lip, kept his eyes averted, but nodded.

"Reg, I want to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Potter for a bit. Please wait in the dining room, or you can go upstairs to my room if you want…" Sirius said after a few seconds of silence.

Regulus' head shot up at that. "Why? I'd rather stay."

"No. I need to talk to them _alone_."

"You want to talk with them about _me_ so I should be allowed to hear it!"

"Re-gu-lus," Sirius emphasized every syllable of his brother's name in a way to voice his annoyance. "I told you to do something, now mind me," he commanded, his expression changing to sternness.

Regulus crossed his arms in front of his chest, glaring at Sirius. "You're doing it again! You're treating me like a child, but _I am not a child_!"

Sirius got up and grabbed Regulus by his bicep, forcing him to stand up as well. "Excuse me. I'm accompanying my brother upstairs, I'll be right back," he said to the Potters, who looked at him with surprise clearly showing on their faces, but they decided not to say anything.

Sirius dragged Regulus along with him, up the stairs and opened the second door on the left side, tugging his brother inside the room. It was a room of regular size, not too big but not too small either. Next to the window stood a bed, a bedside cabinet and a desk as well as a cupboard and a few bookshelves. The first thing that caught Regulus eye was the overpresence of Gryffindor colours everywhere, Gryffindor banners on the wall, with lots of pictures of motorcycles and muggle women in between. It strongly resembled Sirius' room at Grimmauld place in many ways, but it didn't behold the desperation and darkness of Sirius' other room.

Sirius tugged Regulus over to the bed and sat his brother down. "Stay here." He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. "You know, Regulus, sometimes I just need you to obey me. Okay? I don't have a nerve for you arguing with me right now. I might tell you what we talked about later, but please – just stay here. You can look through my things if you want…" He motioned around the room. It was actually a nice gesture, for Sirius was usually very touchy about others looking through his private stuff, and under other circumstances, Regulus would really have appreciated the gesture of trust, but not now.

He still scowled at his big brother.

Sirius sighed and squatted down in front of Regulus for a moment, resting his elbows on his knees, lowering his head for a moment. Then he looked up and into Regulus' eyes and when he spoke, he sounded so incredibly tired all of a sudden. "I'm sorry I was short with you. But I really, really need this. Please. Don't be mad at me."

Regulus swallowed his brother's imploring expression, only now he noticed the dark bags under Sirius' eyes. "But I am old enough, Sirius. You don't have to send me away."

"This is not about you. It's about me. _I_ needto talk to them alone. Okay?"

Regulus nodded reluctantly. He knew arguing now would be pointless, for Sirius wasn't willing to discuss this with him. He'd just make him angry.

"Thank you." Sirius tried for a small smile. Regulus didn't smile back and Sirius decided to leave it at that. "I'll get you later." With that, the older brother straightened up and went back downstairs, leaving his Regulus back in his room.

The younger boy listened to his brother's footsteps descending and then looked around the room. Sirius' room. The room he'd spent the last years in. Maybe Sirius had already gotten it on Christmas when he'd been twelve, and for the first time had spent the holidays with the Potters. The room looked as if a child had lived in it, not just a teenager. Many of Sirius' older school books were stuffed into the bookshelves, together with a lot of junk objects. Regulus recognized a few fingerbiters from Zonko's, some of the likes Sirius had possessed at the age of maybe twelve or thirteen. Maybe they were even the same. Sirius had brought them to their parent's house during the summer holidays as well and had hidden them in the places in his room he didn't want his parents or Kreacher looking through, and they were effective - even Regulus had once been bitten by those despicable little objects.

But now, he smiled at the memory.

Regulus got up and wandered around a bit, opened a few drawers and looked inside. More junk objects, and some slimy glibber that attached itself to Regulus' fingers as he touched it, staining them in a green colour. Regulus scrunched up his nose and smeared it onto the desk's surface, closing the drawer again.

On the walls hung pictures of Quidditch teams, Regulus immediately recognized the Chudley Cannons, and under on huge banner he could read their motto in the words _"Let's all just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best"_ ,it was clearly Sirius' handwriting, even though it was more childlike and clumsy than it was now. But Regulus still recognized it.

Next to them were pictures of Sirius and his friends, and some of the Potters as well, most likely from their previous holidays together. They looked so happy together, like a picture-perfect family.

On the desk lay lots of papers, some of them letters, some of them something else. Others were collections of spells, mainly prank or transfiguration related. And a picture of a blonde girl in a Gryffindor robe – did Sirius have a girlfriend? Regulus didn't think so because Sirius sure would've visited her over the holidays if he had one, wouldn't he? And he wouldn't have flirted with Ava, or at least not as much as he did. But maybe she was his crush or an ex-girlfriend. Regulus thought she looked slightly familiar, maybe he had seen her before, at Hogwarts, but he really didn't know all the names of the students, Gryffindors even less.

Regulus took a transfiguration book from Sirius' desk and flopped himself down on the bed on his stomach, and started to flip through the pages.

Somehow he felt a bit like he had when he had been about nine years old and Sirius had been a first year at Hogwarts. He had missed his brother then, and even later, but of course he hadn't admitted it. Because Sirius had even spent Christmas with the Potters, Regulus had just seen him for two months each year since he was nine, and often he had missed his brother so much that he had sneaked into his room when his parents hadn't been there. Then he would lie down on Sirius' bed and hug his pillow or rummage through Sirius' things and take a few of them back into his own room. It would make him feel as if his big brother was still there.

Being in his brother's room, it had given Regulus the feeling as if Sirius could barge in any minute, yell at him for touching and taking his things like big brothers did, but Sirius would be there at least, and Regulus wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

But when Sirius came back home, it had never again felt like he was really there. He hadn't cared about Regulus any longer, he hadn't opened his door, not really.

 ***Regulus' Flashback, Early July 1972***

Sirius had come home yesterday. Nine-year-old Regulus had been bouncing the walls for days, anticipating his big brother's return for he hadn't seen him in ten months. But yesterday, Sirius had almost completely ignored him, and Regulus had been understanding because Sirius had gotten into trouble with their parents. Mother and Father had been very angry at Sirius because he'd gotten himself sorted into Gryffindor. Regulus wasn't particularly angry about that, but he had been a bit angry that Sirius had deliberately disobeyed their parents. That he disregarded what was best for the family, how Mother had said, and acted selfishly, not thinking about anybody except himself.

Today, Sirius had mainly stayed in his room, his door locked. Father had beaten him up yesterday, and usually, Regulus would sneak into Sirius' room at night to give him a hug and to say goodnight, but yesterday he hadn't dared to do so.

Sirius had barely acknowledged him anyway.

This evening, though, Regulus couldn't stand it any longer. It was a few minutes after nine, and already past his bedtime. Mother and Father were downstairs and Sirius in his own bedroom.

In his pyjamas, with his feet bare, Regulus scrambled out of his bed and opened the door a tiny crack, glancing outside. Kreacher was not to be seen. Quickly, Regulus climbed the stairs, up to the topmost landing.

He opened the door as quietly as possible. Sirius lay on his stomach on the bed, the long velvet curtains were closed and the light dim. The room had changed. On the walls, Regulus recognized a few new posters, one in Gryffindor colours that was bearing the Gryffindor symbol immediately caught his eye. Regulus creased his eyebrows. Why was Sirius doing this? Their parents would find out, and then they would be even angrier. Was Sirius trying to rile them up on purpose? Hadn't he learned a thing?

But as he looked back at his brother, he didn't care any longer. Sirius, he was here, finally. A happy smile formed on Regulus' lips. Mischievously he tiptoed towards the bed, sneaking up on Sirius. Jumping high, he landed on the large bed next to his brother, bouncing on the mattress, startling Sirius who rolled to his side and flinched away.

"Hi," Regulus said cheerfully, lisping through his teeth. He'd lost another milk tooth recently, and talking felt strange. But he was also proud to finally loose some more of his milk teeth, because Sirius had lost them by now, and had told him that the tooth fairy would take them and build a house out of them.

Regulus wasn't sure whether the tooth fairy really existed because his mother had just sneered when he'd asked her, but Sirius had said she did and Regulus trusted his brother. If Sirius had lost his milk teeth and had given them to the tooth fairy, he'd do the same. And anyway, there were so many fairies out there, so why not a tooth fairy?

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, and not exactly in a friendly way.

"Just saying hello," Regulus smiled, rolling onto his back, spreading his arms and legs out wide.

"Well, hello. And now back to your own bed, it's late." Sirius' voice sounded harsh. Regulus' eyebrows creased.

"But I don't want to. I haven't seen you all day, and yesterday I haven't seen you either. Aren't you happy to see me?" Regulus was confused. He wasn't used to Sirius being so short with him.

Sirius sighed. "It's nice to see you again, but now that you've said hello, you should go back into your own bed. Mother and Father will be angry when they catch you here."

Regulus' eyes flicked over to the door. "They're downstairs, don't worry." Then his eyes wandered back to the Gryffindor poster.

"Why did you get sorted into Gryffindor, Siri?" He asked, his mood dampening a bit as he regarded the bright red and golden colours.

"The hat sorted me," Sirius answered curtly. "Now go back to your own room."

Regulus felt annoyed of Sirius' strange behaviour. This wasn't at all like he had imagined their reunion to be. "But I don't want to go back! I haven't seen you for so long. Don't you want to tell me about Hogwarts?" he asked eagerly.

Sirius' eyes lit up at the mention of Hogwarts and he relaxed a bit. "It's wonderful, Reg. Everything is awesome. The castle is huge, and the stairs are moving, and the ghosts – and the teachers… finally doing magic, it's like the best feeling ever. There's so much to learn, so much to see."

"Wicked!" Regulus hung at Sirius' lips.

Sirius' expression got dreamy. "I've got friends, Reg. Real friends." He turned around, his eyes displaying an amount of happiness that astounded Regulus. He'd barely ever seen Sirius that happy.

"Their names are James, Remus and Peter. We share a dorm room and go to the same classes. And every evening we play games and talk, or explore the corridors." Then, suddenly, Sirius' eyes saddened again. "I just wished I wouldn't have to wait two months until school starts again."

"Why? I mean, Hogwarts surely is great, but you're here now and I have waited so long for you to come back home. It's really boring without you here," Regulus admitted in a low voice, then sucked at his bottom lip. He had been lonely, not just bored, but, of course, he wouldn't tell Sirius that.

"You don't get it. It's different here. Hogwarts is my home now." Sirius' voice was hardening again.

"What? How can you say that?" Regulus couldn't help the hurt creep into his voice.

"They like me there. My friends, they don't want to change me, they accept me how I am. Here – you know how Mother and Father are."

Regulus propped himself up on his elbows, anger surging through him suddenly. "Well, you shouldn't have gotten yourself sorted into Gryffindor then. You knew that Mother and Father wouldn't want that – and you disobeyed, you disappointed them! Why do you always have to make them angry on purpose?"

Sirius jumped up, now angry as well. "You don't know what you are talking about! I did nothing wrong! It's them –" He shook his head, and took a deep breath. "You're too young to understand it."

"I am not! Mother told me – you are disga…disgracing the family, you are doing it on purpose!" Regulus almost shouted at Sirius.

"Is that really what you think?" Sirius' voice was cold now, and he was staring at his brother, his eyes narrowing.

Regulus glared back. "Yes," He responded defiantly. Mother had said so.

Hurt flashed over Sirius' face, but he quickly caught himself, looking away.

"Then go." When Sirius finally spoke, his voice was tight.

Regulus blinked. He hadn't wanted to make Sirius sad, not really. He hadn't wanted to fight with him – he had missed him! That's why he had come up here in the first place, to see his brother. He didn't understand why Sirius was so cold suddenly.

"Go! Go to them, wherever, I don't care. Go and blame me, I don't care about it anymore," Sirius hissed bitterly.

Regulus' eyes widened. He didn't want to go. He wanted his brother, he had missed him so much, his hugs, his smile, the way they were when together – happy.

"Sirius…" Regulus made a move to hug his brother and apologize.

But Sirius flinched away. "Don't touch me."

Words spat at him like knives, confusing, hurting. Tears sprung into Regulus' eyes. "Why?" He just wanted a hug so badly. He hadn't had one since Sirius had gotten on the train to Hogwarts.

Sirius looked at him for a few seconds and then his eyes were softening again. His shoulders slumped, and he looked down to the bedsheets for a few seconds, then back into his little brother's teary eyes. He sighed, leaned forward and pulled Regulus into a hug.

A few tears slipped out of Regulus' eyes as he hugged his brother back tightly, closed his eyes as he listened to Sirius' even breathing and felt his brother's heartbeat next to his ear as he rested his head on Sirius' chest.

And for a few moments, it was enough.

But then he felt that something was missing. It felt as if Sirius wasn't here, not really. Which was strange, because here he was, Sirius, hugging him, yet his big brother was not here completely. Like he spaced out. It was just a feeling Regulus had, a small thought, but it would be picking at his mind from now on like a thorn bit into skin, constantly bothering, hurting.

"Have you missed me too, Siri?" he asked softly, deliberately using Sirius' nickname.

He felt Sirius' breathing change as if his big brother held his breath for a second and then took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Sure."

But Sirius' voice was slightly flatter than usual. And the hug felt different. Sirius wasn't patting his back or caressing his hair like he usually did, Regulus noticed that now.

Regulus gripped his brother tighter around his waist and hid his face in his brother's chest. Listened to Sirius' heartbeat. Wished with all his heart that Sirius would just give him a real hug. _Please, please, please…_

But Sirius' posture didn't change, he just sat there, his arms around his brother, like a living shell of himself.

Something had changed.

 ***Flashback End***

Today, five years later, Regulus knew what had been missing. A part of Sirius had still been at Hogwarts, it had never come back to their parents' house again, and to Regulus.

The way they had been each other's home. It had changed. Sirius had still been Regulus' home, or at least Regulus had hoped so, but with time, he'd had realized that Sirius hadn't been the same anymore.

The hugs had gotten rare. At some point, even though he had craved for a hug, Regulus wouldn't attempt to hug his brother anymore. Because he knew that the only thing he would get was the renewed affirmation that hugs like the ones he remembered and secretly craved weren't given any longer. And it hurt. At first, he'd just thought it was because they were getting older, and almost-teenagers like Sirius didn't need hugs anymore, did they? And at the rare times when he still got a half-hearted hug he would feel the missing piece stronger, and with time, even Sirius' smiles lost their honesty.

When Sirius had been with them, he was only a shadow of his former self, all memories, and ghosts. His essence – gone. A different brother, well, maybe just different, barely a brother anymore. A different Sirius. A stranger. It had made Regulus angry. And bitter. And so desperately lonely. Being left only with the knowledge of having been tossed away like an old toy. Unloved. Forgotten. It had been the worst experience of Regulus' life. Worse than anything else, even his parents' deaths.

 _Why have you decided to forget about me?_ The same old question haunting his mind, even after all the time.

With time, Regulus had grown to resent the new Sirius. And forgotten about the old one.

Here was where Sirius' heart had been. At Hogwarts, and here, in this room. In this house. Far away. Bitterness crept up inside of Regulus, old, sad memories flooded his mind. He had missed his brother for so long.

And Sirius hadn't even missed him back, hadn't thought of him at all. He'd just left him, not looked back even once.

Regulus looked around the room, scanned the pictures. There was no photo of him or their parents. Regulus wouldn't really have expected Sirius to have any pictures of them, but still, it hurt. The Potters and his Gryffindor friends were so present in Sirius' room, but there was no trace of Regulus.

If Regulus never came back from the meeting tomorrow evening, maybe Sirius wouldn't miss a thing. He had lived perfectly fine during the last years without him, and he would be able to do so again.

Sure, Sirius might feel responsible for him, because of the circumstances, but he didn't actually _need_ Regulus. Maybe he would even be happier without him. He had been happy, the last years, this room showed it clearly. He would have fewer things to worry about and could just be a normal, careless young man again. Why would he need Regulus? Sirius had more than enough people who cared about him.

Regulus, on the other hand, had no one left except for Sirius.

Footsteps on the corridor's floor brought Regulus' thoughts back to reality. He sat up and watched the door opening and revealing Sirius. His big brother looked more at ease than before, a smile was playing over his lips, not forced but an honest one this time.

"We've finished talking," Sirius said, glancing around his room shortly. Then he looked back at Regulus, noticing his brother's tight expression.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sure." Regulus managed to force out a halfway convincing smile. He held up his hands, they were still green from the glibber thingy Sirius kept in his drawer.

Sirius grinned. "Found anything interesting?" he asked as he gently took Regulus' hands with one hand and withdrew his wand with the other. With a wave he made the colour disappear.

Regulus shrugged. "Your room's a mess. And I didn't want to risk my fingers." He smirked and nodded in the direction of the fingerbiters. Sirius snorted.

"Mrs. Potter has some biscuits prepared downstairs. Do you want to come downstairs again? We need to discuss some things as well," Sirius nodded towards the direction of the stairway. Some nervousness played over his features again, just a bit, but Regulus noticed it. He didn't say anything, though, and followed Sirius back downstairs.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter still sat in the living room and a plate with deliciously smelling biscuits was now placed on the coffee table.

The brothers sat down again.

"Try a biscuit, love," Mrs. Potter advised Regulus. Regulus complied, flashing her a hesitant smile.

"Thanks. Mmh, They're really good…" He let his voice fade away. The silence felt unnatural.

Expectantly, Regulus looked around, his eyes finally coming to rest on Sirius who turned to Regulus and folded his hands while clearing his throat.

"Reg, Mr. and Mrs. Potter and I talked about some safety measures that could be done to keep what happened from happening again." Sirius looked to the Potters quickly, then back to Regulus.

"I know that I can't be with you at all times, even though I'll try not to leave you alone anymore, in places that are … potentially dangerous." Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly. "I thought… umm, there's this necklace. Mrs. Potter put some additional spells on it. It will… keep me informed should you be afraid or in danger." He reached out and lifted a silvery necklace with a transparent stone attached to it up from the table, leaned over and handed it to Regulus who still looked at him with confusion in his eyes.

"How does it work?" Regulus asked suspiciously while running his thumb over the stone's smooth surface.

"When you put it around your neck, or just wear it near your body, the stone will adopt a colour. Sirius will have a similar necklace on him, and can judge from the colours about how you feel – if you are scared for example. In addition to that, we spelled both necklaces so that they will heat up as soon as you are in a dangerous situation, deadly scared or a Death Eater is near you. In that case, it will help Sirius to locate you," Mrs. Potter explained.

Regulus' forehead furrowed. "That means Sirius will always know how I feel? That's unfair."

"It's a safety measure. I swear I won't use it otherwise than to make sure that you are safe," Sirius said, kneading his fingers nervously.

Regulus tossed the necklace on the coffee table. "It will get hot when a Death Eater is near me?" He sneered. "That won't be very comfortable to wear in the dungeons."

"It will only heat up when a Death Eater is in a distance less than a metre to you," Mrs. Potter tried to assuage Regulus.

"And then Sirius will come running to _save me_? I can take care of myself," Regulus responded angrily. He wasn't pleased with this at all.

"Now, Regulus, Sirius only wants what's best for you. And you shouldn't underestimate the danger –" Mr. Potter interjected, only to be interrupted by Regulus.

"But I don't need to be supervised like a toddler! Why am I getting punished even though I didn't do anything wrong? I got away from Bellatrix – and I didn't need _your_ help for that," Regulus hissed at Sirius. Sirius was again treating him like a child, he was overprotective!

Sirius flinched and opened his mouth, but he didn't get anything out. Hurt flashed over his face, and he looked away. It was true, he hadn't been there to protect his brother. He had failed Reg.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Regulus saw Mr. Potter's eyes darkening. "This is not a punishment, Regulus. You are a minor, and Sirius is responsible for you. You shouldn't disrespect him like that. If he decides it is better for you to wear this necklace, then you will do so," Mr. Potter's tone had turned to sternness. Regulus scowled and opened his mouth to give Mr. Potter a spicy reply, but he didn't get that far.

Sirius held his hands up in both of their directions, in order to smooth the ruffled feathers. "Please – Reg, Mr. Potter is right, it's not a punishment. And that you got away this time was mere luck – do you know what it would do to me should anything happen to you?" His eyes were pleading with Regulus.

The younger boy looked away. What would it do to Sirius? He would be relieved of the burden Regulus obviously was. He only made Sirius worry all the time. Sirius might be a little sad at first because he felt responsible for Regulus, but he would get over it soon and be happy again, without him. _You forgot about me before. You'll manage to do so again._

"Please wear it, Reg. If not for you, do it for me. For the peace of my mind," Sirius implored.

Regulus swallowed. He didn't want to wear this necklace, it would complicate things – especially tomorrow evening, but also, in general, it gave Sirius more control than Regulus liked for him to have at Hogwarts. But looking at Sirius pleading with him, he simply couldn't say no. And he knew that he would end up wearing it anyway, because Sirius was just as stubborn as he was, maybe even more.

"I…" He took a deep breath, tried to get rid of the annoyance that still lingered in his voice. "Alright, but I won't wear it until the holidays end and I really don't like the colour thing. It's embarrassing that you would know what I feel all the time." He blushed. Would the necklace tell Sirius when Regulus was jealous, or angry, or when he was meeting a girl he liked? He definitely didn't want his brother to know about that.

Sirius sighed of relief. "You don't have to wear it when we're at the cottage. And I _promise_ I won't use it to spy on you, okay? I'll keep it around my neck hidden under my robes and just look at it if it heats up, agreed?"

Regulus felt the urge to pout but he wasn't that childish, of course. And Sirius really sounded honest. Reluctantly Regulus gave his brother a short nod, but he couldn't resist to cross his arms in front of his chest. He might agree to wear the stupid necklace but he wouldn't pretend to be happy about it.

Sullenly, he watched how Mr. Potter nodded towards Sirius in approval and how Sirius softly smiled back at the man.

"Sirius had another idea. This here is a two-way mirror. It is charmed with a Protean Charm that links this mirror" – Mrs. Potter pointed at a small, silver-framed mirror that lay in front of Regulus – "To a mirror Sirius has in his possession." She pointed to another, similar mirror in front of Sirius. "You can communicate through them."

Regulus picked the mirror up and turned it around. It was a small object, small enough to put it in a pocket of his robe.

"Okay." He didn't mind the mirror, actually, he found the idea pretty good. He would be able to speak to his brother whenever he needed to.

"James and I have used those during the last years. You just say my name into it, and you'll appear in my mirror and I'll appear in yours, so we can talk," Sirius smiled, relieved that Regulus accepted the idea just like that.

Regulus thought about that. On one hand, he was displeased that, again, James was there, to compete with him. It was childish, but he felt jealous again. On the other hand, his heart soared at the thought that Sirius treated him like James – more like a friend, a companion than a child. He looked up into Sirius' eyes. Saw them lingering upon him lovingly. He would prove to Sirius that he was an equal and that Sirius could rely on him as well, just like he relied on Sirius. That he wasn't just the little brother Sirius was forced to take care of. He would give something back.

The remaining day, Regulus started to create a plan for the next evening. He would have to be very careful, nothing could go wrong. Even though he still felt bad about lying to Sirius, he knew it was the right thing to do. If he went to the meeting, every doubt Bellatrix or anyone else might have had in him because of him living with his brother would disappear, and he would again just be one of many promising young wizards who were part of the pureblood supremacists' circle. He knew that most likely some of his Slytherin friends would be there too, and he would just be as quiet as he could, not draw any unnecessary attention to him except for being seen and with that proving his loyalty. If he didn't go, he would be singled out, marked as a traitor.

The next day, Regulus acted absolutely normal. His plan stood. He strictly forbid himself to even think about the upcoming meeting more than was absolutely necessary. Sirius couldn't notice anything, he couldn't think that Regulus acted weird and then start to ask questions. He couldn't risk Sirius catching him lying again.

Come evening, Regulus started to hint that he was tired in very subtle ways. After dinner they both sat comfortably in their armchairs like they often did, reading a bit, joking around, and Regulus inwardly complimented himself on how good he was at hiding his nervousness. He yawned from time to time, stretched himself out in his armchair and pretended to get more tired as time passed by, let his eyelids become heavy, yawned as he talked –

"Are you tired? Maybe you should go to bed before I have to carry you there," Sirius remarked with a smirk.

"Yeah… I guess I'll do that." Regulus yawned again and closed his book. Perfect. It was about nine, the timing couldn't be better. He rubbed his eyes and stretched out his arms as he sat up. "Good night…" He purposefully slurred his words a bit like he were too tired to speak properly, smiling contently at Sirius but kept some sleepiness in his eyes. His brother smiled back.

"Good night, Reg. Sleep well."

"Yeah, you too…" Regulus walked off in the direction of his room, putting his book away on a shelf in the corridor from where he'd gotten it. Then he went into the bathroom, pretending to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he really looked tired, but Regulus could see the nervousness now slowly creeping through his mask of sleepiness. He walked over to the sink and splashed a handful of cold water in his face, then put his hands on the counter, closing his eyes for a second.

 _Stay calm, you can do this. It's not a big deal. Everything will be fine._ He looked at himself. Two months ago, he would've been exited for the meeting. _Act like the last two months didn't happen… You're still the same, still the same, the same…_ Like a mantra he repeated these words in his head, cleared his mind, concentrated only on who he wanted to impersonate, a different Regulus, Regulus Black, a pure-blood Slytherin. The pattern of his thoughts two months ago. It was astoundingly easy to slip back, to wear his old self like a robe he put on. Maybe that was what it always had been, something he used to hide behind, a mask he wore.

 _Okay. Let's do this._ He opened the bathroom door, stepped into the corridor and closed the door loud enough to be sure Sirius had noticed it, then went into his bedroom, closed the door again audibly, but not too loud to make Sirius think something was wrong. Now, he needed to take preparations in case Sirius checked on him before he went to bed himself.

Quickly, Regulus went over to his bed and arranged the pillows so that it looked like a person was sleeping with the face turned to the wall. He undressed and carelessly threw his clothes on the floor like he usually did, then slipped into his robes and purposely put a Slytherin badge on his chest. It was the small details that mattered, and tonight, nothing could go wrong.

He retrieved his wand out of his trunk and hesitated for a moment, then waved it over the bed, quietly murmuring the incantation of an illusion charm to make the pillows under the covers appear even more like him. Sirius wouldn't notice anything in the room's darkness, hopefully. Regulus took his cloak and hefted it around his shoulders before lifting the hood up and over his head.

As quietly as he could, Regulus opened the window and climbed outside like a dark shadow, leaving the window ajar, then cast another illusion charm on the window so that it would appear closed to Sirius. A small tinge of guilt crept up on him, he was deceiving Sirius, the only way he could do magic was with Sirius being here and therefore not letting the ministry detect _who_ cast the spells, he was using Sirius' presence to deceive him. But he almost immediately pushed those thoughts away, he couldn't think about that right now, he had more important things to concentrate on.

He quickly brought some space between himself and the cottage, his long cloak rustling over the grass as he took long strides before he turned around and cast one last glance at lights were shining through the windows of the living room, making the cottage look like the cosiest place on earth, how it stood there on the cliff, shining brightly in the darkness. His home.

 _I'll come back. I promise._

 **A/N: I know, I'm a tiny bit late. But editing took a bit longer than usual, for this chapter displays lots of past hurt on Reg's side… I hope you liked it. Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you've got a few seconds, I'd love to read your opinion on this chapter, feel free to tell me (nicely) what you liked or disliked about it!:)**


	19. The dark Side of the Moon

Regulus reached the apparition wards and took a deep breath.

"Kreacher!" He called softly, careful not to be too loud, he knew it wasn't necessary. In the split of a second, a faint pop resounded and then Kreacher stood in front of him, confused at first, approaching the hooded figure that was his master with a few small steps of his scrawny feet to get a better look at it. Kreacher's small, wrinkled eyes widened as he caught sight of his master's face, then, with a loud wail, he threw himself at his master's feet.

"Master Regulus – is it really my good Master Regulus? It must be – Kreacher is so relieved to see his Master. Kreacher had feared for Master Regulus to be held against his will by his traitorous brother, but oh no, Kreacher could not help him, for he has to serve Master Sirius, cannot defy him, Kreacher is deeply sorry, Sir," the house elf wailed while clutching the rim of Regulus' robes with his tiny hands, hiding his face in it.

Regulus kneeled down, sympathy overflowing him as he saw his faithful servant crying.

"Shh, it's okay Kreacher, really. You're not to blame – you are not to punish yourself for this, you hear me? There's nothing you could have done," he reassured the elderly house elf, his voice a strained whisper while he gently petted the little head, glad that he had brought enough distance between himself and the cottage so Sirius wouldn't be able to hear Kreacher's cries of relieve.

Kreacher looked up, tears still in his eyes. "Oh Master Regulus, Kreacher was so unsure about what to do and when he got notice that Master Sirius was the heir of the House Black, Kreacher was devastated – if Mistress Walburga knew about this…" He gave a loud moan and hid his face in his hands, shaking his head violently, his pointy ears flapping from one side to the other.

A lump built in Regulus' throat, and he swallowed thickly. "Kreacher, calm down. It's okay, Sirius, he… he didn't hurt me, I'm getting along with him, don't worry about me. I called you because I need you to help me this evening. I need you to take me to Bellatrix, and I will call you later to bring me back here."

Kreacher looked up. "Master Regulus wants Kreacher to bring him back here? But the traitor, M…Master Sirius, he must not get his filthy hands on good Master Regulus, he must not harm him!" He exclaimed, his expression very agitated, contempt in his voice as he hissed Sirius' name, gritting the _Master_ out as if it had burned his tongue.

"Kreacher, Sirius wouldn't harm me. Don't worry. But I really need you to bring me to Bellatrix and then back, can you do that?" Regulus pressed the matter.

Kreacher nodded eagerly. "Yes, Kreacher will do whatever Master Regulus orders him to. Kreacher is very happy to serve Master Regulus, Sir."

The elf extended his skinny arm. "Is Master Regulus ready, Sir?" He asked.

Regulus smiled softly at Kreacher, taking his arm. "I'm ready," he answered, his voice firm. This was the right thing to do.

With a small pop, they disappeared into thin air, leaving behind only darkness that was engulfing the dark meadows and the night's silence that was loudly audible once again.

Regulus landed softly on his feet as Kreacher apparated them both to Lestrange Manor. The manor lay dark and menacing in front of them, and Regulus' stomach twisted in uncomfortable ways as he looked at it. He released Kreacher's arm and bent down slightly to speak to the elf.

"Kreacher, I will call you as soon as I have finished any business I have to attend here. Wait for my call, it shouldn't take too long," he whispered.

Kreacher nodded eagerly, bowing deeply. "Everything, Master Regulus, Kreacher is happy to serve his Master, Kreacher will wait for his Master's call, Sir."

"Thank you," Regulus breathed before turning his attention again on Lestrange Manor. He missed the flash of pure admiration and loyalty that crossed Kreacher's face at the barely audible words of Regulus' gratitude. Realizing he was dismissed, Kreacher disappeared again with a faint pop.

Regulus focused his mind on suppressing his feelings and conjuring up the mindset he'd had before the holidays. Right now, he had to be Regulus Arcturus Black, son of Orion and Walburga, proud Slytherin and pure-blood supremacist. Everything connected to being Reg, Sirius' little brother, he took and hid far behind in the darkest corner of his accessible mind.

In long, determined strides he approached the Manor, climbing up the marmoreal steps that led to the entrance.

As he approached the front door, it swung open in its own accord, without anyone visibly opening it. Regulus entered the mansion and purposefully strode along the dimly through magical candles illuminated hallway, turning left and then right again, until he recognized Rabastan Lestrange, his cousin's brother-in-law waiting in front of a door. Rabastan turned as he heard Regulus approaching and gave him a short nod.

"Regulus."

"Rabastan," Regulus returned the greeting, responding with a short nod as well. Rabastan was a few years older than he was, he had to be about twenty by now, but Rabastan was still a great deal younger than Rodolphus even though they sometimes seemed almost like twins with their nervously flickering eyes and thin, hollow-cheeked appearances. But if Regulus had to choose who he liked more (if you could _like_ one of them – maybe you could _dislike_ one of them less) then it would be Rabastan. He was quieter, and sometimes, at least Regulus thought so, he'd even caught a small light shining behind his eyes the rare times he smiled.

Rabastan took a step forward, keeping his voice low as he said in a strained whisper: " _He_ will arrive shortly. You are to wait with the others in the parlour. Your cousins are there already."

Regulus nodded even though a shiver ran down his back at the thought of meeting the Dark Lord soon. He'd only seen him once and it had been only a glimpse anyway when his parents had taken him to a similar meeting. His Mother and Father hadn't been Death Eaters themselves, but they had been very supportive of Voldemort and had made very clear that they expected their younger son to join the Death Eaters as soon as possible. At that thought, Regulus suddenly was thankful for his age. The youngest Death Eaters he knew of were at least sixteen, which left him a whole year.

 _Don't think like this, Regulus. You are eager to become a Death Eater right now. A good, faithful follower._

Regulus closed his eyes for a second, reminding himself once again of the mask he wore.

He stepped forward and with a determined push opened the large, wooden door that led to the parlour. The room was engulfed in a dim light as well, the huge fireplace behind the large wooden table was burning but the splendid chandelier wasn't lightened, causing the figures of the people in the room to appear silhouetted and shadowy from his perspective.

It was very silent and even though the guests stood together in small groups, mumbling in low voices, you could have heard a pencil falling if there would have been any pencils in this house. Next to the fireplace Regulus made out his cousins and their husbands and he headed straight towards them, keeping his gait casual. It was important that Bellatrix saw him tonight, it was the reason he was here. To remove her doubt in him.

"Good evening Narcissa, Bellatrix," he said without a hint of hesitation, as soon as he was close enough that he could be sure they would hear him.

Bellatrix turned around, her wild locks flying whipping through the air, and for a moment, her pupils widened, then, a content smile appeared on her face.

"Regulus. How good to see you."

Rodolphus and Lucius, who had been involved in a conversation, turned as well, just like Narcissa. Regulus nodded towards his cousins' husbands, acknowledging them, then turned back to face Bellatrix. "It is good to see you as well, cousin. You have quite the company this evening." He remarked, letting his gaze wander from face to face. He recognized most of the attendants, almost all of them pure-blooded, even the Deputy Minister was present. Regulus refrained from raising his eyebrows, just looked back at his cousin.

Narcissa stepped forward and gave Regulus a ghostly hug, her smile was more honest than most of the times, though. "I'm glad you're here, Regulus. I'm so sorry about your father's death, it's been very sad news," she said, her voice soft, just a hue above a whisper.

Regulus just nodded, feeling a lump building in his throat. But he knew how to keep a poker face. He'd grown up with it -watching his parents abusing his brother at the dinner table, not blinking when he heard them yelling at Sirius while secretly, his heart was breaking for his brother.

"Indeed, poor child. Tragic, that Orion died so shortly after Walburga. We will keep them in memory and honour them in everything we do, won't we, Regulus?" Bellatrix said in that fake-sweet voice of hers, her eyes remained cold.

"All I want is to make them proud," Regulus said, honest sadness resounding in his voice. _If there just was a way._

A shimmer flashed up in Bellatrix' eyes and she relaxed, giving him a nod.

"How are you, Regulus?" asked Narcissa as she put her hand on Regulus' shoulder.

"I'm fine. I'm looking forward to the new school year, of course," he answered shortly.

"We would expect that after the horrible holidays you've had. Tragic, the good, pure name of our family being sullied by that… _traitor_." Bellatrix hissed the last word, her face contorting.

"It's all right, Bella. That's why we still have Regulus here. He will not let our good name get stained," Narcissa said in a calm voice, her eyes not leaving Regulus.

"Never," Regulus answered decidedly. He would indeed not _stain_ the name of the Blacks. Not him or Sirius, at least.

Bellatrix looked satisfied and Regulus congratulated himself on his good act. For now, everything was going exactly how he had planned.

Near the windows that were hidden behind long, dark violet velvet curtains Regulus spotted Avery and Snape. He blinked for a second, not having expected Severus to be here, but on the other hand, he was almost relieved to see them. He knew that at least Severus wasn't a Death Eater yet, and if the two of them were here, the meeting couldn't be too serious.

He excused himself and went over to his friends. Or were they still his friends? They hadn't written him at all - _Sure they are still my friends. Do not forget who you are tonight._

"Good evening Regulus," Avery said as soon as he spotted Regulus approaching them, causing Severus to turn around.

"Hello Cenrick, Severus," Regulus said, letting a haughty smile play over his lips. Although every nerve in his body was tingling, he felt in control so far. The presence of his friends made all of this better somehow and gave it a casual feeling. "Long time no see." His eyes manifested upon Severus, who looked a bit pale around his nose.

"Well, Regulus, that could be different had you answered our letters. Were you so busy during the holidays?" Cenrick Avery asked in a slightly snide tone, not liking that his letters had been ignored.

"I was," Regulus answered curtly. He didn't want to go into detail, he didn't want to discuss Sirius with them, not now. Not here. Then he furrowed his eyebrows as he thought about what Cenrick had just said.

"What do you mean, letters?"

"The letters we sent, and Barty sent some as well. We were almost worried," Cenrick responded, a smirk appearing on his face.

"Barty's not here tonight?"

"No, he's not invited. I'm not sure the Dark Lord has enough trust in his loyalty yet to invite him to such an _important_ meeting," Cenrick said boastfully.

Regulus opened his mouth to investigate further, as the room fell completely silent all of a sudden. The boys turned around just in time to watch Voldemort entering the room, wearing long, black robes with a greenish shimmer that emphasized his deathly pale face and tall, thin physique. The atmosphere changed immediately and a veil of nervous admiration, fear, and darkness laid itself over the meeting's attendants.

Regulus felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room.

No one said a word.

Voldemort looked around, his reddish eyes lingered upon Regulus for a moment before he continued mustering the attendants.

"My friends," he finally said in a low voice. "Take a seat." He motioned towards the large table. Everyone waited until Voldemort had seated himself at the table's head, then, slowly, they approached the table as well. Nothing could be heard except for the scraping of chairs and the quick tapping of shoes on the stone floor as well as some rustling of robes as, one after the other, the guests seated themselves. Bellatrix took the seat to Voldemort's right, leaning closely towards her Master, her husband right next to her as were Lucius and Narcissa. As soon as he managed to get over his stupor, Regulus kept himself a bit further away from the Dark Lord, sitting down on a chair next to Severus almost at the other end of the table.

He noticed that Severus was nervous as well, and not half as good as Regulus at hiding it. His friend's thin face was tight, his hands folded in his lap, his knuckles white.

Unlike Regulus, though, Severus was not nervous about getting exposed as a traitor. Severus was worried about not pleasing the Dark Lord, about doing something wrong, saying something inappropriate – he was one of the few half-bloods in the room (not everyone knew, of course, but Regulus, as a closer friend of Severus, did) and he would yet have to prove his worth to the Dark Lord.

"Friends, I am very pleased that you have all followed my invitation tonight and have come here. We have elaborate company tonight" Voldemort nodded towards the Deputy Minister and several others "and I can see some new faces as well." His bloody eyes manifested upon Regulus for some time, then flickering over to Severus and some others. Regulus almost exhaled in relief as the bloody eyes let go of him, for a moment he had felt as if Voldemort was looking right into his very soul – a cold shiver ran down his back. He had felt the urge to vomit, or to spill out all his secrets right out in front of that snake-like man with the cold, bloody eyes.

"We have several points on our… _agenda_ ," he smirked and looked over to the Deputy Minister, "how the politicians would call it, tonight. A very important part concerns the recruitment of new members for our movement." He paused for a moment before continuing "Another part concerns actions that are to be taken … for the sake of the proper deliverance of our message." His lips curled slightly. "I was positively surprised about the _Hogsmeade incident_ , how people called the event that has taken place in late June." He looked at Avery and Mulciber. "Nevertheless, I would prefer those _incidents_ to be called _attacks_ the next time at least," he said, this time, his voice dropped a hint, adopting a dangerous tone. "It is not like us to spread some confusion and worry amongst children. If we do act, we spread terror and uttermost fear amongst our opponents, nothing less. They shall learn to fear the name of their enemies, even more than they already do."

Cenrick and Mulciber had blushed deeply and averted their eyes, firmly concentrating on their laps.

"Still, it was a positive surprise, for it had been _students_ that organized it, and those young people have managed more than most others here." Voldemort hissed, glaring at Nott and Mulciber Sr. who immediately lowered their eyes.

Cenrick's head rose again, and he smirked at Nott and Mulciber Sr, whereas Mulciber jr. seemed to feel conflicted, for it was his father that had been glared at.

"My Lord, we are preparing, we have our eyes and ears everywhere, and we are planning carefully. When we will decide to strike, people will not dare to call it merely attack, they will call it war and terror." Rosier Sr. interposed, straightening up.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed for a second, then he laughed a hollow laugh. "I like your way of thinking, my friend. A war will come indeed and it will erupt upon our enemies like a powerful earthquake, and they shall cower in fear like rats, like the vermin they are."

Rosier almost burst with pride whereas other's chuckled cruelly, echoing their Master's laugh.

"Nevertheless, to spread fear and confusion is a start. Fear is our friend, it fights on our side. We are fear, we are terror." Voldemort paused dramatically, looking around before continuing. "Therefore, I only encourage _incidents_ and even more _attacks_ and hope that they will grow to be something more common, not only performed by students but by others as well. Just as I encourage everyone here to look out for new members for our movement. We are already at a quite high number, but it is never high enough. Not a drop of pure blood should be wasted, it is the mudbloods who will have to face our wrath. The more we are the better, it is what unifies us – our heritage, our blood. It forms a bond stronger than anything else. Therefore, I encourage even the youngest amongst us –" his eyes were again resting upon Regulus, this time not bearing into him, but settling upon him in an almost possessive, satisfied manner, "to take actions with the best for our movement as their prime interest, always."

The meeting was over after approximately an hour, at least for the attendants that were not Death Eaters or members of the closest circle. Regulus left the room together with Severus, Narcissa, and several others. Voldemort had emphasized the importance of finding spies among the Ministry and Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw circles and especially the organization he called The Order (while his face had contorted in hate at the mention) as well as the recruitment of new members. It was mainly their task to fulfil.

Regulus thought about the way Bellatrix had turned her head and looked at him at the mention of spying on their enemies. Her lips had contorted to a satisfied grin as she gave him a wink before turning back towards her Master to hang on his lips. At first, Regulus had been slightly nervous about that – he knew they would expect him now to spy on Sirius and with that indirectly on the Gryffindors, but he reckoned he could manage to present them with some unimportant information if necessary.

He could play this game.

Narcissa accompanied him to the door after he had hinted that he was tired and wanted to go to bed (he really did, it was late – but he much rather wanted to get away from here).

"Are you really okay, Regulus? You don't look so good." She remarked, authentic worry visible on her face.

Regulus nodded quickly. "Just tired. And I'm really not a big fan of apparition…" He let his voice die away.

He felt like he was going to be sick now that he had left the room. He felt so drained. So exhausted. His cool exterior was crumbling by the minute, and he knew he couldn't hold the act up any longer.

Fortunately, Narcissa swallowed his lame excuse and let him go.

As soon as Regulus had brought some distance between himself and the manor, he felt his knees weakening, and he leant against the stone wall that lined the driveway.

"Kreacher," he whispered, a lump forming in his throat.

A soft pop resounded, and then Kreacher appeared in front of him, bowing deeply. "Master Regulus wants Kreacher to take him back?" Kreacher asked humbly, but at the same time, Regulus could hear how much it meant to Kreacher to be able to serve him. Regulus knew that Kreacher had waited for his call, eagerly, and had, most likely, remained in a waiting position the entire time.

"Yes, please." Regulus took Kreacher's arm and the night disappeared in a whirl of dark shadows. A moment later they reappeared just outside the cottage's wards, where Regulus had called for Kreacher a few hours before.

Regulus took a deep breath, smelling the familiar scent of grass and pine trees, and relief washed over him. He kneeled on the soft grass, closing his eyes for a second. _It's okay. You've made it._

"Thank you, Kreacher. You may return to Grimmauld place." Regulus said softly, his eyes still closed.

"Will Master Regulus call for Kreacher again? Kreacher wants not to be forgotten, Master –" Kreacher piped up, sounding hesitant. He wouldn't have dared to ask Walburga or Orion Black such a question, but Master Regulus was different, and maybe he would decide to give him the hope of being of further service to his Master.

"Of course, I won't forget you, Kreacher. I'll call you as soon as I need you, and if you need me, don't hesitate to find me, okay?" Regulus' voice was thin, but he still managed a small smile at Kreacher.

Kreacher beamed. "Yes, Master, Kreacher is very grateful to serve his good Master Regulus."

Regulus nodded quickly, dismissing Kreacher with that. After hearing the faint pop once again, Regulus exhaled deeply, closing his eyes once again. The last bits of his put-on personality fell from him, and he finally was Reg again. He took a deep breath, his eyes starting to burn. The entire fear and nervousness he'd felt now broke out of him, causing the entire mask to shatter all of a sudden without his consent. Regulus sunk even further to the ground, hugging himself around his middle, taking shallow breaths. Regulus didn't quite understand why he was acting like this, but the way Voldemort had looked at him, right into his soul – the red eyes now haunted his thoughts, they were still appearing in front of his inner eye, the deadly stare, bearing into his eyes, making him feel so exposed and helpless –

No. He had done it, it was over for now. _Calm down. You're home. You're safe._

He got up again, running a hand over his face, through his hair. His home, it lay in front of him. The cottage. Sirius was still awake, the lights still shone behind the living room's windows.

Regulus climbed back through the window, lifted the illusion spells from window and bed and quickly slipped into his pyjamas. From the corridor he could hear footsteps, the lights were being flicked on, shining through the narrow gap under his door.

He quickly decided to open his room's door just in time to see Sirius walk towards his room, already in his pyjamas as well.

His older brother paused, looking surprised. "Oh. I thought I heard something – have I woken you?" He sounded apologetic.

"Nah, I just woke up – wanted to get something to drink…" Regulus responded, his voice low. His fringe fell into his eyes, and he was glad about it.

Sirius made space for Regulus to pass by him. "Did you have a nightmare?" He asked as Regulus was almost past him, gently took hold of the younger boy's shoulder and spun him around again. "Hey, look at me. Are you okay?" He sounded concerned now.

"Yeah… I just had a bad dream, don't worry about it." Regulus glanced at his brother for a second, then looked back to the floor.

Sirius' eyes softened, and he patted Regulus' shoulder gently. It was not unusual for Regulus to have nightmares or at times not being able to sleep at all, still grieving their father's death. It had happened less frequently, but it still happened.

"You know, if you want to talk about it, I'm here. Always," Sirius said softly.

Regulus nodded. "I know. But it's nothing, really. I just woke up and then realized I was thirsty…" Regulus tried to avoid saying too much, still, his brother's calm presence made him feel better. Safe.

But they couldn't talk right now. He was too emotional, and Sirius knew him too well. It would be dangerous. Sirius' hand lingered upon Regulus' shoulder for another moment until Regulus gently pulled away and Sirius let him go. Regulus resumed his way to the kitchen where he poured himself a cup of cold water and took a sip. Strangely, the cool liquid running down his throat didn't make him feel better at all, on the contrary, it made him want to throw up. Regulus poured the rest of the water down the sink, then went back to his room and crawled into his bed, turning to face the wall.

That night, sleep only came very reluctantly. For what felt like hours, his eyes wouldn't close and he kept staring at the old-fashioned wallpaper next to him until it felt like its dark pattern was engraved in his retina and still his muscles wouldn't relax and his mind not rest. When his body finally succumbed to an exhausted sleep, the dark, blood-shot eyes chased him into his dreams, caused him to toss and turn and wake up a few times, drenched in sweat, the gloating red still lingering in front of his eyes, not leaving him, staring at him out of his bedroom's darkness, luring, only waiting until he lowered his soul's walls so that they could invade him, read him, possess him.

TBC…

 **A/N: Again I'm sorry for being late, life got in the way. Thanks to all the guest reviewers as well, unfortunately I can't reply personally to you, but thanks for being awesome.**

 **I hope you liked the chapter. Anyway, thanks for reading, you're invited to leave your thoughts about it in the reviews;) Have a nice week!**


	20. Eyes

The next afternoon, Regulus was still in an emotional turmoil, so he decided spent a lot of his time at the beach, reading. Even though he probably wouldn't admit it, he was avoiding Sirius. Sirius' smile, his laugh, his carefree demeanour – he acted as if nothing happened.

As if everything was still the same. As if life was so easy.

Of course, Sirius didn't know about the meeting, Regulus reminded himself about that. But still, he felt as if something had changed – Regulus had proven his worth, he had just protected their family, and then there was Sirius, telling some stupid joke and expecting him to laugh whereas, at the same time, Regulus still saw the red of Voldemort's eyes lingering in the air, still felt the creeping horrors he'd gotten each time Voldemort had laid his eyes upon him, so how the hell could Sirius be so lightsome as if there wasn't a deadly threat out there and act like a naïve child?

When Regulus had just finished reading page 263 and was about to turn the page, he spotted the Potter's owl flying purposefully towards the cottage. It was possibly just the invitation for dinner on Sundays, as they always had it, but somehow, the picture of an owl delivering a letter sparked a memory inside of Regulus.

His friends' letters.

Where were they? Cenrick and Severus had written him, and Barty as well, that's what Cenrick had said last night. Why hadn't he gotten the letters? His gaze manifested on the kitchen window where he could see the owl alighting on the windowsill. He narrowed his eyes as he watched from the distance how Sirius took the owl inside, most likely to give it a treat and take the letter. Sirius was the one who always received mail, never Regulus. Even the Potters never wrote a letter to him with _his_ name on it, they always addressed them to Sirius and only Sirius.

Had Sirius…? At first, the feeling of betrayal, and finally anger, settled in the pitch of Regulus' stomach. It was the only explanation. Sirius must have taken the letters. And not even told him about it. But how could he not have noticed Sirius taking a letter that was addressed to him?

A few minutes later, the owl left again, this time carrying the responding letter to the Potters.

Had Sirius betrayed him like this? What was the purpose of keeping letters that were for Regulus to himself? Regulus knew that at the beginning of the holidays, Sirius most likely wouldn't have given him the letters, and with a reason – Regulus winced at the memory of him trying to send a letter to Bellatrix in an attempt to escape from here.

But now, this was his home. Sirius knew that he wouldn't do something like that again, didn't he? Sirius had said he trusted him. But he didn't act like he did. He still treated Regulus like a child, like a prisoner even. Children were allowed to write their friends and receive their mail. Hell, even prisoners were allowed to get letters.

Slowly, Regulus got up and approached the front door. He pushed it open and entered the living room, immediately spotting Sirius who was making tea in the kitchen. Usually, that would've lifted Regulus mood – it was a sweet gesture that Sirius cared about him, about them spending time together, but now he only felt angry.

"Hey Reg," Sirius greeted him as soon as he heard his brother's footsteps, without even turning around. He put the kettle on the fire and opened the cabinet door to retrieve two cups. "Good that you're here. I would've called you in a few minutes anyway, tea is almost ready."

Regulus didn't respond, he just leaned against the kitchen's doorpost, crossed his arms in front of his chest and watched his brother work, his eyes narrowed.

Finally, Sirius turned around, and his expression changed as soon as he saw Regulus' face.

"What's biting you?" he asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.

"I just wondered why _I_ never receive mail," Regulus gritted out, not breaking eye contact.

Sirius shrugged. "Why, do you expect any?"

Regulus ignored that. "I did not get my Hogwarts supplies letter. You just had it one day, out of the blue. And I didn't notice my report card arriving either, it was just there at some point."

"I got it when we were still in school, earlier than the other parents because they didn't have to send it per owl. I was already your guardian then, remember?" Sirius answered smoothly. "And the supplies letter was addressed to me, our letters were sent together."

Regulus huffed. How easily Sirius lied to him, without thinking twice about it. The school had never sent the letters together in one envelope, not even when they both had still lived with their parents. They had always gotten two separate letters. "My friends would have written me," Regulus added.

Regulus could see the realization flicker across Sirius' face, the way his brother's eyes hardened, the way his eyebrows twitched. "Isn't that strange that I did not receive a single letter? The previous holidays, all of my friends wrote me, several times."

Sirius didn't answer.

Their eyes locked until Sirius finally looked away, in an almost guilty way.

"Don't you have something to say to me?" Regulus asked harshly.

Sirius' lips thinned and a faint, vertical line appeared between his eyebrows. "No, I do not wish to say anything to you concerning that matter."

"What? What's that supposed to mean?" Regulus' asked indignantly, his voice raised.

"You will lower your voice when you talk to me," Sirius responded sternly. The line between his eyebrows became more defined.

Regulus glared at his older brother who had straightened up by now and adopted an authoritative stance. Sirius, expecting respect although he hadn't respected Regulus' privacy at all. It was another paradox that made Regulus angry. Still, he lowered his voice a bit. There was something about the way Sirius looked at him that made it very clear that Regulus was not only talking to his older brother right now, he was talking to his guardian.

"Where are my friends' letters? I know they have written me. Why didn't I get them?"

"No _friends_ of yours have written you," Sirius responded sharply.

"Yes, they have! I know Cenrick writes me, he always does, and Barty –"

"Cenrick?" Sirius drew his eyebrows together in confusion.

"Cenrick Avery." Regulus rolled his eyes.

Sirius' expression darkened. "Avery is no friend of yours."

"What? Of course he is!" The volume of Regulus' voice was raising again.

"No, he's not," Sirius stated curtly, his face twitching in anger. "And you do not yell at me."

Regulus fumed. "You cannot tell me who's my friend and who's not! I'm not a bloody child, I can decide for myself who I am friends with!"

"He's not your friend, end of discussion. You don't have friends like him. And I told you to lower your voice, yell at me one more time and you can stay in your room for the rest of the afternoon," Sirius stated firmly, taking a step towards his little brother. It was visible that Regulus was close to exploding.

"I'm not yelling! You are yelling!" Regulus shouted. It wasn't true, though, Sirius' tone was firm but his voice wasn't a quarter as loud enough that it could be called yelling.

"That's it. To your room, now."

"No! You're such a prick, Sirius –" Regulus didn't get any further because that moment, Sirius took hold of his bicep and dragged Regulus along, out of the living room and into the corridor.

"Stay here and think about your behaviour. You can come out when you are ready to apologize, otherwise, you'll stay here until I call you for dinner," Sirius said sternly, his expression firm as he opened the door to Regulus' bedroom.

"What? You are the one who should apologize! You can't dictate my life – I won't let you!" Regulus shouted, trying to get his arm out of Sirius' grip.

"I don't need your permission," Sirius responded curtly, his voice like iron, matching his firm grip on Regulus' arm where his fingers were squeezing uncomfortably into Regulus' upper arm's muscles. "I am your guardian and you will do as I say. Now, I won't say it again unless you want a smack – into your room!" Sirius released his brother and pointed towards Regulus' bed, his jawline hard, his eyes sparkling with anger. It was obvious that Sirius tried very hard to restrain himself but found it difficult.

Regulus glared at his brother defiantly for a few moments but finally decided to obey as Sirius raised his right hand in warning while looking at his little brother pointedly.

Sirius returned to the living room, running his fingers through his black hair, grimacing. Had this really had to happen today? Two days before they would return to Hogwarts? He really, _really_ hadn't wanted them to fight on their last weekend here.

Why had Regulus decided to bring this up exactly now? He hadn't seemed to care much about not getting any letters during the last weeks. Sirius had known that Regulus would find out sooner or later, but he hadn't really had a plan about what to tell his little brother, he'd just hoped it would be much, much later.

What was he supposed to say? _I don't want you associating with Death Eaters?_ Regulus knew that. It was their number one rule, belonging to not endangering your life. And Avery was a Death Eater, Sirius was sure of that. _Cenrick_. Sirius huffed. It was weird that that creature had a first name. And it was even weirder that that guy was in his year and still 'friends' with Regulus.

Regulus was too young to be friends with someone like Avery. Why couldn't he befriend other teenagers that were in his year?

Why did he have to befriend _Avery_ and _Snape_? Sirius' upper lip curled in contempt at the thought of the two. It might've very well been them among the group of Death Eaters that had chased him and James on the motorbike. People like them were to blame that he had had to give up his bike.

At the beginning of the holidays, Sirius had decided to redirect any mail addressed to Regulus to arrive only at his own bedroom window. With Regulus trying to leave at every chance he got, Sirius couldn't have risked Regulus contacting any of his Death Eater friends – especially not after the incident they had had, when Reg had tried to send a letter to Bellatrix.

And later, during the holidays, quite a few letters had arrived – some of Avery, Snape, Crouch, Bellatrix, Narcissa, one of the Carrows… Sirius would've lifted the spell, but it seemed like Regulus only had friends that were Death Eaters or soon would-be's and of course he wouldn't let Regulus correspondent with such kinds of people. Sirius had destroyed the letters as soon as they had arrived, he hadn't even bothered to open the envelopes.

And now Regulus threw a fit about it.

Still, the more he calmed down and thought about the situation, Sirius started to understand him. Regulus was still coming to terms with his new situation, and Sirius knew that the following weeks wouldn't be easy for Regulus in Slytherin because Reg wasn't like the other soon-to-be Death Eaters anymore. He didn't belong there at all. His little brother, a Slytherin… he didn't tell Reg so, but he'd rather have him in any other house. Preferably Gryffindor, of course. Reg could fit into Gryffindor. Of course, he had some Slytherin traits, but Regulus was brave and had a good heart, what was definitely Gryffindorish.

It wasn't like Sirius hated all Slytherins. Andromeda was a Slytherin as well and she was one of his favourite people ever, aside from his closest friends and the Potters. But you couldn't deny that most of the Death Eaters were Slytherins and that Slytherins, in general, were very much drawn towards the Dark Arts. Maybe it was peer pressure in some way, maybe it had to do with their character traits.

He had sworn to keep Reg away from the Dark Arts and everything associated with it. Regulus knew that. He had known it for almost two months now. It was an unquestionable limit and Regulus knew that Sirius was adamant with this.

Maybe the memory had faded? Maybe they needed to talk about the rules again? Sirius groaned inwardly at the memory of their last talk. After the incident at Diagon Alley, when Regulus had lied to him concerning meeting Bellatrix, Sirius had understood it. His brother had been scared, had not been able to think rationally. Sirius had, of course, made clear that it was wrong to lie, in every situation, but he hadn't punished Reg for it any further after his little brother had eventually told him the truth.

And now Reg's unwillingness to obey about not associating with Death Eaters.

Had he failed to make the absolute importance of Regulus obeying the rules clear? Sirius didn't feel like he was asking too much of his brother. There wasn't much Reg was forbidden to do, except for endangering himself and the whole Dark Arts topic. And Sirius had his _reasons_ for enforcing this particular rule as strongly as he did. Couldn't Reg see that? Hadn't he convinced Reg that he could trust him, that he only wanted what was best for him?

Because now here they were, fighting, Regulus pouting in his room – and they hadn't even two days left until school started again.

Sirius felt like he was running out of time. This was exactly like he hadn't wanted to feel at the end of the holidays, he hadn't wanted to feel like he had failed to make those important things clear to Regulus during the time they had spent together.

As soon as they were back at Hogwarts, they would get separated and Sirius would only meet Regulus during meals or… whenever, he hadn't thought about all of that yet. He had tried not to.

Sirius turned and looked back to Regulus' closed bedroom door. Now he regretted confining his brother to his room. He almost went back to relent and talk to his brother but stopped himself from doing so a few steps away from the door.

He couldn't go back on his word now, could he? It would only make Regulus lose his confidence in Sirius handing out consequences and this was a consequence of Regulus losing his temper and yelling at him. It was not okay, and Regulus had to know that as well.

 _But I can understand why he's angry. I took his letters. I'd be angry too if I was him._

Sirius crossed his arms behind his head in exasperation, exhaled heavily, then, not knowing what to do, turned and entered the living room again.

Regulus didn't come out to apologize, of course. By dinnertime, Sirius definitely felt guilty for confining his brother to his room. _You're the one who should apologize_ , Reg had said.

Maybe he had been right. Not in the way Regulus meant it, but Sirius should have acted differently. He had lost his temper as well.

Sirius warily approached his Regulus' room to call him for dinner. He only hoped that his brother had calmed down a bit so they could talk reasonably and he could explain.

He had even cooked dinner himself tonight, even though he had originally planned for them to cook together, but this was the last dinner they would have at the cottage, so... another chance to do something together missed. And he didn't want to skip tomorrow's dinner with the Potters. That was something Sirius needed as well.

Tentatively, Sirius knocked on the wooden door and opened it a few moments later after he got no answer. "Reg, dinner's ready."

Regulus lay on his bed, his nose deeply buried in a book that he purposely held up so Sirius couldn't see his face. "I'm not hungry."

"And I'm not Austria," Sirius smiled faintly, but the smile didn't manage to get past the wall of a book.

 _Please, Reg, we don't have time for this_.

"You will be hungry, soon, if you don't eat something."

No answer.

"I've made us spaghetti with tomato sauce –"

"I _said_ I'm not hungry!" Regulus hissed, not moving his book an inch.

 _Snap._ "Don't be such a brat, Regulus. You always complain that I treat you like a child, but if you could see yourself right now – you're acting worse than a toddler," Sirius said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

He noticed his brother's fingers twitch above the book's cover and knew he was on the right track with this. "Come, Reg, please. We can eat and then talk like reasonable people, as long as it's done calmly. I promise."

A few seconds of silence, and then Regulus was finally putting his book down, exhaling exasperatedly.

"Fine," he scoffed, then muttering under his breath about people not being able to make up their mind.

Sirius did not address the attitude. He was just glad he had managed to get Reg out of his room. And maybe he deserved his brother's anger.

During dinner both of them were very quiet, the scratching of their forks and spoons on the porcelain seemed to be louder than usual, just like the sounds of them chewing the spaghetti or their clothes rustling as they shifted on the creaking chairs to reach for the parmesan. It was an uncomfortable time, to say the least.

Regulus kept his eyes fixed on his plate, still, out of the corner of his eye he noticed each and every move of Sirius, he couldn't help it, the bright red of Sirius' shirt was pushing itself into his view, obtrusively, just like the red of the stupid tomato sauce… For the first time, Regulus noticed the reddish elements on the tablecloth, how the little red flowers were garishly nestled between blue petals and green leafs as if they were screaming for attention.

Red like _his eyes, lurking_ … No. Regulus gritted his teeth and refused to allow his thoughts to go any further.

They were finished with their dinner at almost the same time and Sirius motioned for Regulus to stay in his chair.

"We need to talk."

Regulus darted an angry glance at his brother. "Oh, all of a sudden, you want to talk? After putting me in my room for the whole afternoon?"

"I warned you. You _chose_ to yell at me, so don't complain about the consequences."

Regulus huffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Whatever."

"Reg…" Sirius sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Reg, I feel as if we are at cross purposes."

Regulus didn't respond. Sirius sighed again. "It's not as if I don't want you to have friends if that's what you think. Really, you can be friends with anyone –"

"Yeah, I'm friends with Cenrick and there's nothing you can do about it," Regulus interrupted his brother angrily.

Sirius' mouth thinned and he closed his eyes for a second, choosing to ignore Regulus' comment "- anyone who is _not_ a Death Eater or close to becoming one."

Regulus huffed.

"You know the rules, Regulus. I thought you had understood them, I thought we agreed -" Sirius tried.

"I don't care about your _stupid_ rules."

"Haven't I been clear enough on why they exist?" Sirius tried to meet his brother's gaze, but Regulus was pointedly looking away, ignoring him.

"Can you tell me what you don't understand about them?" Sirius tried again, calmly, even though he slowly felt anger crawl beneath his skin again.

When there was no reaction from Regulus, Sirius found himself getting more and more annoyed. "What rules have we established, Regulus?"

"Do you suffer memory loss?" Regulus asked provokingly.

Sirius clenched his fist. "Are you a toddler that needs a smack to snap out of this tantrum?" He shot back. The second the words left his mouth, he bit his tongue and grimaced. He probably shouldn't have said that. So much for staying calm and talking reasonably.

Regulus' eyes narrowed. "You think you can intimidate me that way? Provoke me? What do you want, Sirius? You've made your point clear, no friends for me, fine, I disagree. Now, what?" Sirius was being so unfair. And Regulus would not easily succumb to his will like he usually did. Even if he hadn't wanted to be friends with Cenrick, he would _not_ let Sirius chose who was his friend and who wasn't. That was too much.

Sirius felt a surge of anger shooting through his veins and he gritted his teeth. "DON'T put words into my mouth! Don't you listen? I didn't say you weren't allowed friends, I just don't want you to hang out with dangerous people."

"Dangerous people meaning people you don't like."

"No, I don't have to like them, but they can't be Death Ea-"

"Same difference."

Sirius' face twitched in anger. "I'm not happy about you disagreeing, but in the end, it doesn't matter. You will not be friends with any of those junior Death Eaters, are we clear? Anything that has to do with the Dark Arts or Death Eaters is strictly forbidden. You know that. And you know what happens if you disobey."

Regulus huffed. "I'm really looking forward to the end of these holidays."

Sirius' shoulders slumped and he looked at the floor, his fringe hiding his face. "I'm not," he confessed after a few seconds in a soft voice, all his anger forgotten.

He looked up again, tried to catch Regulus' eyes. "I thought we'd had a great time, Reg."

Regulus tried to swallow the lump in his throat. It was true, they had had a great time. These had been the best holidays since years. Until a few days ago. He looked at Sirius' hands that were folded, his fingers tensed.

"They were great until I realized you were just keeping me prisoner here." _They were great until you refused to realize that I can look out for myself, can do my fair share in this family. You don't even see what I contribute._

Sirius was flabbergasted, his vulnerability rapidly changed to intense indignation. "I'm not _keeping you prisoner_ – what the hell, Reg? How'd you get that idea?"

"I'm not allowed to get any letters, I'm not allowed to see my friends – I'm not even allowed to stay friends with them, you dictate where I'm allowed to go, what I'm allowed to do, I'll be forced to wear that _stupid_ necklace and carry that _stupid_ mirror around…" All that pent-up anger, fear, and aggression that had dammed up since their visit of Diagon Alley broke free violently and Regulus found his voice quivering with rage. "You don't _own_ me! I'm my own person! And I'm not a child!"

"You always say that, but all I see right now is a boy that is throwing a childish tantrum over not being allowed to be friends with extremely dangerous maniacs! Obviously, you are too young to recognize for yourself what's good for you and what's not. You are a _minor_ , and I am your _guardian_. It's got nothing to do with being a prisoner," Sirius exhaled exasperatedly and ran his fingers through his hair in a desperate attempt to focus his thoughts and calm down before continuing, "it's got nothing to do with you not being your own person because you are, of course, you are, but sometimes you need someone to show you the right way. To protect you, if you can't do it yourself!"

"I can protect myself! There was never any need for you to protect me!" Regulus yelled, scarcely listening to his brother's reasoning.

"I'm protecting you right now, don't you see? I'm protecting you from bad influences, the Dark Arts, from messing up your complete future, your life – maybe you can't see it, but I can, and _I won't let them get their hands on you again, you won't become a Death Eater, over my dead body, do you understand?_ " Sirius had tried to keep his temper in check but he was yelling now as well, he had stood up and was leaning forwards, his hands gripping the table's edges on both sides so tightly that his knuckles went white.

Regulus felt the urge to punch his brother. He opened his mouth, but he couldn't get a word out, so he just looked at Sirius with a mixture of shock and desperate rage openly portrayed on his face.

"So that's what your so-called trust in me looks like," he eventually ground out, his fists clenched so tightly that it hurt.

His brother thought he would become a Death Eater the second Sirius looked the other way. Sirius trusted him not a bit. He was held here like a category 'A' prisoner, that's why Sirius didn't look forward to the holiday's end. Not because the time they had spent here together was so great, but because he'd lose control over Regulus with their return to school. That's why he didn't want Regulus to have any friends. Because he wanted to keep him isolated, dependent. Like a criminal.

Sirius took a deep breath, lowering his head to hide his face, while he tried to get his temper back in check. Then he straightened up again, releasing the table's edges.

"I want to trust you, I really do. But you are making it increasingly difficult for me."

"How so? You don't even give me a chance! You didn't even give me those letters! You don't ever listen to me! You just treat me like an offender no matter what I do!"

Sirius ran his hand down his face. This was horrible. Had he been like this at that age? He couldn't remember ever talking to an adult that way, not even their parents. Why did Regulus treat him like this, where was all that anger coming from? Was it because they were 'just' brothers? Was this teenage rebellion? But that would be so unlike Reg had been the previous weeks… Why now? Why had the holidays had to end like this?

He didn't want them to fight. But perhaps it was necessary that Sirius changed the way he ran things in this family. Maybe he had treated Regulus too much like a friend during the last weeks and less like his little brother, his ward.

"How can you say that to me? You know all too well that you've gotten off easy many times these holidays! Think of all the times you lied to me, even recently with Knockturn Alley, and I didn't give you consequences for the lying because I trusted that you had learned something from it."

"Of course you did, remember the essay and how you hit me for speaking my mind?" Regulus replied angrily.

"I remember smacking you for being insolent and throwing a tantrum, not so much unlike you are right now when I think about it. And the essay's purpose was to get you to talk to me, to understand you, it was rather less punishment than you deserved. Had I really given you the consequences that you deserved than for lying to me over and over again, maybe things would be different right now," Sirius said sternly.

"Then maybe you're not as smart as you think you are," Regulus snarled, venom dripping from his voice, satisfied as he watched his brother's eyes darken. He began to tip his chair backwards and forwards, keeping his eyes on Sirius, provokingly.

Sirius watched him with growing annoyance.

"Stop it," He ordered after a few moments of silence with no sounds audible except for the rhythmical impacts the chair's legs made on the floor.

No reaction, except for a snort from Regulus. The rocking didn't stop.

Sirius hit the table's surface with his right palm, firmly, causing a loud bang to resound through the kitchen. Regulus tilted his chair forwards in shock, catching himself at the table's edge to keep himself from toppling over.

A stinging pain gushed through Sirius' palm, and he winced inwardly, immediately regretting the action.

"What have I done to deserve you treating me like this?" Sirius asked bitterly. He put both his palms flat on the wooden surface, leaning slightly forwards in his chair, suddenly feeling drained of all his energy. "Why do you act like this? I'm doing the best I can, believe me, this isn't easy for me either –"

Regulus suddenly felt tears starting to burn in his eyes.

"- but it'll be less difficult for both of us if we work hand in hand, not against each other – Reg, please… you're my brother, I love you. The thing I wish the most is for you to be happy, but that happiness cannot come at the expense of your safety. Don't you understand that?"

Regulus shrugged, hugging himself around his middle and lowering his head, desperately trying to force the tears back. Sirius was right in some ways, he didn't deserve to be burdened with Regulus. Everything was so messed up. Maybe it would be better for both of them if they had just stayed like they were. Separated. Maybe not better for him, but for Sirius, and in any case easier.

"If it's too difficult for you, why don't you just leave then? You're good at that, remember?" He asked bitterly.

Sirius stared at him, shocked. His grey eyes widening, a wave of genuine hurt flashed across his face, manifesting itself in the familiar grey eyes and Regulus felt a tinge of guilt nagging at his conscience as he watched out of the corner of his eyes how his brother struggled with his emotions.

"I…"

Regulus watched Sirius swallow heavily. He had caught him badly here. It was probably the only thing Regulus could have said to really hurt his brother and he had succeeded perfectly.

"You have no idea how much I regret that, Regulus. No idea."

"Yeah, whatever." The words slipped out of Regulus' mouth almost automatically.

Sirius found himself getting desperate. What was the matter with Regulus? He was so closed off, it seemed like there was no way they could work this out this evening. How was he supposed to talk to his brother, make him understand? Because Sirius didn't just want to order Regulus to stay away from those particular 'friends' of his, he wanted Regulus to understand his reasons and do it because of that, not because of fear of punishment.

But Regulus looked to him like a defiant child, the way he'd crossed his arms over his chest, the way his eyebrows creased angrily, how he wouldn't even look at him. Sirius sighed and ran a hand over his face. _Stay calm. You are the adult, you have to be the reasonable one. He doesn't realize how much he's hurting you, he's just a teenager and angry_.

Regulus was asking for a fight but Sirius wouldn't give in.

"I'm not leaving you again. I promised you that, and I'll promise it again and again if necessary. It's the one thing I know for sure. I'd rather die than fail you again."

"That's dumb. I don't know why you even bother. I know what you think of me."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, don't take me for a fool. I know what I am in your eyes. A stupid child, a Slytherin just like Mother and Father, a Dark Wizard, everything bad you can think of, and therefore I need to be _protected_ from myself, you want to _change_ me, control me, because you think I'm _bad_." His voice was thick with tears, just like his eyes were glistening and he was glad for his long fringe that hung his face and hid his eyes. It took all of Regulus' strength to keep the tears from rolling down his face, but eventually, he managed to get a grip on himself. _What's wrong with me? Why am I so emotional?_

Sirius stared at him for a few moments, incredulously, a mixture of deep hurt and shock on his face. "That's utter and complete bollocks, Regulus. You're my little brother, that's what I think of you. The one person I love more than anyone else. Always have. When I think of you, I think of your talent in flying, your intelligence, your gift of believing the best of people, your gentleness, your good heart. You're not bad, I would never think that of you. _Never_ , you hear me?"

"Then why don't you trust me? You think I'm weak. You think just because I'm friends with Cenrick and the others I'm going to become a Death Eater. I'm old enough to decide for myself who my friends are."

"This is not about age, it's about knowing what's good for you! Why would you even want to be friends with them, Reg? _I don't understand it!_ "

"You don't have to understand it! It's none of your business," Regulus responded curtly.

"It _is_ my business because you're my _brother_ , my _family_!"

"That doesn't have anything to do with it."

"It does have everything to do with it," Sirius countered instantly, "because I care about you."

Regulus pressed his lips tightly together and looked away, studied his hands. For a few moments, neither Sirius nor Regulus spoke.

"Do you remember how I used to hold your hand when we were children and walked next to the street in London?" Sirius asked suddenly.

Regulus' expression changed to confusion. "Yeah, you used to do that pretty long. Until I told you to stop it because it was embarrassing."

"You told me that like a gazillion times, but that's not the reason. You were about five when I stopped. Do you know why I held your hand until then?"

Regulus shrugged. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Sirius ignored that question. "I held your hand because you used to run into the street without paying attention to any cars that might come along. Sometimes you just slipped off the pavement and started to walk on the street for no reason, or you saw something interesting on the other side and started to run towards it. Mother didn't care, she didn't even notice." Sirius leaned forwards, his eyes firmly fixed on Regulus'. " _But I did_. Then, you were pretty pissed by me holding you back. You always tugged on my hand, sometimes were even screaming and throwing tantrums because I wouldn't let you run across the street so you'd be able to pet the cute kitten on the other side. But today, do you understand it?"

Regulus' expression still beheld some confusion, but then he shrugged. "Yeah," he answered monosyllabically, a bit annoyed at Sirius for bringing up such embarrassing memories.

"Then tell me why I did it. Because believe me, it was no fun fighting with you to stay off the street."

As the words formed in his mind, Regulus got it. He sighed, defeated. "'Cause you wanted to keep me safe."

Sirius smiled. "Yeah. Because I loved you way too much to lose you. You could be a little terror then, but you were not a _bad_ child. You simply didn't see the danger and were annoyed by me holding you back. That's why I was there to look out for you and to keep you away from the traffic until you could do it yourself. Even though you didn't like it and fought me on it."

"You can't compare that to this situation, Sirius. I'm old enough to choose my own friends, you don't even know them like I do."

"I believe that you are, mostly. But there are also dangers you don't seem to realize. It doesn't mean I think you're weak, or bad, or whatever. It just means you don't see them yet, so I'll show them to you. And if you still attempted to cross the street without looking both sides to make sure there's no car coming, I'd still hold you back and look with you," Sirius said softly. He watched how Regulus desperately tried to keep his inner defiance up.

"You can't compare me to a five-year-old!" Regulus exclaimed.

Sirius sighed. "I'm not saying you are a five-year-old, I'm only giving an example. I'm not eight anymore either. I know you're older, and you're more responsible. Still you're not fully grown up, and that's okay. When I was your age, there were Mr. and Mrs. Potter who would have pointed such things out to me and would've kept me from doing something harmful, if necessary without my consent. And they still would. It's not weakness to accept guidance."

Regulus didn't like to admit it, but Sirius had a point, somehow, when he tried to see things from Sirius' perspective. But he couldn't isolate himself from his friends, not now. Not after the meeting, and after he had to pretend for some time at least that he was still just like he used to be. Prove that he hadn't changed at all over the holidays. He didn't want to put Sirius at risk, he couldn't. And there were things Sirius didn't understand, didn't know about, but Regulus did.

Regulus looked at his brother. Suddenly he felt so bad about what he had said. Not exactly about disagreeing with Sirius, he still thought that Sirius shouldn't forbid his friendship with Cenrick, but he could understand his reasoning.

Sirius was leaning forwards, his eyes firmly focused on Regulus.

"Please, Reg. Try to understand. I only want what's best for you. I didn't want to hurt you, or make you feel like a … prisoner… by keeping those letters. Please don't think that, I never wanted that."

The amount of love and care in Sirius' eyes. After everything Regulus had said, Sirius was still bothering himself with him. Regulus knew he had hurt his brother with his words, and he had wanted to, somehow. But he didn't even remember why. And he didn't want Sirius to be hurt. Sirius, who, after everything Regulus had said, still wanted what was best for him.

Regulus lowered his head. "I know…" he whispered. "I'm sorry for what I said. About keeping me prisoner and you leaving again. It wasn't fair. You've been brilliant these holidays and I ... I've only been trouble for you." He looked at his hands, suddenly feeling incredibly sad.

He wished he could stay at the cottage forever. Not having to face what was out there. If they could just stay far away from everything dark and threatening out there. _His_ bloodlined eyes appeared again in front of Regulus' mind, piercing, and Regulus bit his tongue to distract himself from it even though the pain didn't help much.

"Oh, Reg," Sirius sighed. He leaned forwards, reached out and gently cupped Regulus' chin with his hand, tipping his brother's head slightly upwards to look into his eyes. "That's not true, you've not only been trouble. These have been the best holidays ever, at least for me, only thanks to you."

Sirius' silvery-grey eyes, so familiar, so gentle. Regulus suddenly found himself fixing his brother's gaze with all his might.

Slowly but surely the image of Voldemort's eyes faded, pushed away firmly and being determinedly replaced by Sirius' eyes that were not blinking, his gaze not wavering. Not consciously knowing how much it meant to his younger brother, Sirius returned his gaze, sensing how much his brother needed it right now.

"I don't want the holidays to end," Regulus finally confessed in a low voice.

Sirius spread out his thumb and gently caressed the side of Regulus' face. "I don't want them to end either. But it'll be a great new year at school, think of everything we will learn. And this time, it will be different. We'll make it different because we'll be there _together_ , for real this time, and I'll permanently go on your nerves by wanting to hang out with you and annoy you by hugging you all the time. Okay?"

The corners of Regulus' mouth quirked up. "You promise?"

Sirius smiled and couldn't help but reach out and ruffle Regulus' hair a bit. Merlin, he loved his baby brother.

"Pinky swear." He extended his right hand and crooked his little finger, keeping his expression straight. Regulus rolled his eyes but then hooked his own little finger with Sirius', biting his bottom lip, but eventually he couldn't prevent the hesitant smile from spreading out and shining all over on his face.

TBC...


	21. Mad World

1st September 1977

Sirius, Regulus, and the Potters stood together on the platform 9 at King's Cross. There was a huge hustle and bustle, parents and children were bidding their goodbyes, hugs were exchanged, kisses, younger siblings were watching their older brothers and sisters getting on the train, waving their hands, their eyes shining with admiration whereas the older children's expressions were filled with pleasant anticipation.

"Oh boys…I'm going to miss you until Christmas. Take care of yourselves, and write us, you too, James," Mrs. Potter said, giving each of them a tight hug.

"I'll see that he does," Sirius answered, grinning. James had always been reluctant to write home ( _"Why should we both write and tell them everything twice? My hand already hurts from the potion's homework… Can't I just sign your letter as well?"_ ), something Sirius had never been able comprehend for he'd always envied James for having parents who cared about him and even _wanted_ letters, _wanted_ to hear from him, and after the Potters had practically adopted him, he'd revelled in having parents who were interested in the most mundane aspects of his life and would listen to him retelling his day with genuine interest.

James smirked. "You can write my letters for me then."

Mr. Potter smacked the back of James' head but couldn't suppress a smile.

"And take care of yourselves," Mr. Potter said, repeating his wife's earlier words. His eyes wandered from James to Sirius and then flicked over to Regulus for a second before Mr. Potter fixed Sirius' gaze once more.

Sirius nodded. He knew exactly what Mr. Potter meant. Saturday evening, a muggle family had been attacked and one family member had been killed by a group of still unknown wizards. Mr. Potter had told him and James about it because even though the Ministry tried to keep the information as confidential as possible it was heavily suspected that anti-muggle backgrounds played a significant role in the attacks, to put it briefly: Most likely the attackers had been Death Eaters. And that showed once again how serious their situation was, with Regulus returning to Slytherin with their return to Hogwarts.

Sirius hadn't told his brother yet. And he wasn't sure he would, or even should. Because Reg had enough on his mind anyway. Their return to Hogwarts wouldn't be easy. Few things had been easy the last days and Sirius didn't need _this_ to weigh on his little brother's shoulders as well.

Regulus stood next to Sirius, feeling strangely unsettled. His gaze wandered from face to face, anxious that he would see some of his friends.

"So, boys, you better get on the train or you won't get a free compartment," Mr. Potter said after a glance at the station clock. It was 10:50, what would leave them ten minutes until the train's departure.

They all climbed on the train and squeezed themselves with their heavy luggage into the narrow corridor.

"Here's a free compartment!" James shouted, turning his head slightly to look at Sirius who followed after him. Regulus still stood very close to the train's door, his trunk next to him, unsure about what to do.

Sirius followed James inside, then stuck his head back out, looking for his brother.

"Reg? Come," he called, leaving his own trunk in the middle of the corridor and went towards Regulus with long strides, taking his trunk out of his hands.

"What are you waiting for?" He asked, then turned and headed towards their compartment.

Regulus hesitated for a moment, then followed his brother. "But here's only space for four people…" He mumbled, leaning against the glass door. As if one of Sirius' friends would volunteer to sit somewhere else just so he could stay with his brother. Pathetic, as if he didn't have any friends of his own.

"Yeah. We're four. Remus… he's coming directly to Hogwarts, he's been a bit ill and is not feeling well enough yet, and Lily rides with her other friends," James responded.

"So who else is going to sit here?" Regulus asked.

"Peter. He's usually a bit late. His mum's always a bit emotional when the holidays end," Sirius explained matter-of-factly, then grunted as he lifted their trunks up and stored them above them.

Regulus sat down opposite to James and Sirius finally let himself fall on the seat next to Regulus. "Aaah. Hogwarts, we're coming," he chanted in a grotesque sing-sang, a happy smile forming on his face. "This is going to be our last year, Jamie. Our final chance to paint the town red, properly."

"It's not as if you hadn't already," Regulus remarked, smirking. "Or the Slytherin table at least."

James burst into a fit of laughter at the memory. "Yeah, mate, that was awesome!"

"You wouldn't think that if the Gryffindor table was painted in green one morning." Regulus retorted. On one hand, he was amused, on the other, though, felt, as a proper Slytherin, like he had the duty to be annoyed with James.

James snorted. "I'd like to see one of those snakes try and do a proper spell for once. I'd be impressed."

Regulus' smile fell out of his face and he was instantly out of humour. "I'm a Slytherin. You want me to hex you green? I can demonstrate it right here and now, if you need proof of my word," he said threateningly.

Sirius guffawed.

James held his hands in a surrendering manner, laughing as well. "Oh, no need for that, Reg, I'm fine – and I believe that _you_ are fully capable of that. But you're… different."

"Am I?" Regulus didn't like James calling him _Reg_. And he didn't like the way James thought he knew everything about him.

"Yeah. You're one of us now," Sirius said confidently.

Regulus narrowed his eyes, but before he could respond, a smaller, mouse-haired boy squeezed himself through the compartment's door just as the train started to move.

"Cutting it close, Peter!" James remarked, his attention fully on Peter now.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. This was Peter, the friend Sirius and James had reserved the empty seat for? He could've sworn he'd never seen him before. At least the nondescript boy had never caught his attention. But then again, he remembered Sirius' little gang always consisting of four boys…

Peter struggled to lift his luggage until James got up and helped him. Then they both sat down again. Peter's gaze went from Sirius to Regulus and he opened his mouth, gaped, but said nothing.

"So, how have your holidays been, Wormtail?" Sirius asked. Regulus snorted at the strange nickname.

Peter shifted in his seat. "I'm glad they're over," He admitted in a low, slightly squeaky voice. "My mum's been hovering over me all the time – it's just a bit much for two months." He looked out of the window, watched the train station disappear behind them with an almost relieved expression gracing his chubby features.

"Aw, I feel you – at least this year." James turned to Sirius. "I'm not used to be alone with Mum and Dad anymore, Siri. I've felt like an only child," James said.

 _You are an only child_ , Regulus almost said. James called Sirius _Siri_? That was what _he_ had always called his brother when they had still been children.

"Mum and Dad missed you. It was so silent at home this summer," James said pensively. "All their attention on me." He grinned again.

"You're really to be pitied," Sirius retorted, grinning.

"I mean it. It's been different at home without you. You should've seen how Mum's and Dad's faces have lit up each time you and Regulus have visited. I swear they are already planning Christmas dinner and activities with all of us right now, counting the days."

Sirius smiled and looked asquint at Regulus. His little brother was slumping in his seat, looking out of the window. Still, he could see Reg's jaw muscles working.

His eyebrows creasing, Sirius leaned towards his younger brother. "Are you okay, Reg?" He asked in a low voice.

"Yeah," Regulus responded without any audible emotion in his voice.

Sirius looked at James who shrugged in response.

The later it got and the nearer the train came to Hogwarts, the worse Regulus felt. The last years, he'd always looked forward to his return to Hogwarts. Now, he only felt dread. Everything would change. For the worse, Regulus was sure of it.

Sirius noticed his brother's tension but decided not to say anything for they were not alone and he realized that Regulus was uncomfortable talking about his emotions in the presence of others. And if Sirius was honest, he was nervous as well. This year would be so different.

His brother at Hogwarts, with him. For the first time, they wouldn't ignore each other. They would still be a family. And he was still Regulus' guardian. He couldn't shake this feeling of constant worry, care, this need to make sure his little brother was fine.

It had gotten dark by now, and they would arrive soon.

Sirius looked at his brother. Regulus had curled himself into his seat, his forehead leaning against the window.

He tried to get a better look at his brother, but didn't want to risk waking him up, so he caught James' eyes.

 _Is he sleeping?_ He mouthed silently.

James looked over to Regulus, from his place at the window directly across Regulus he could see the younger boy better than Sirius from his position. Regulus' breathing was calm and rhythmically, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly opened as his body leant against the window.

James looked back at Sirius. He nodded, then watched how Sirius' features softened and a gentle expression entered his eyes. The soft smile on Sirius' lips. It reminded James of the way his mum often looked at him. It was strange, though, to see such an expression on Sirius' face.

The book Regulus had read had slipped out of his hands and fallen into his lap, and Sirius gently took it and placed it on the bench next to him, having to force himself to refrain from reaching out and brushing Reg's hair out of his face. He knew it would mortify Reg if he woke up from it.

"He's still got something so innocent," Sirius said in a low voice, his eyes lingering upon his sleeping brother, then he looked back at James. "I wish I wouldn't have to let him go back to the Slytherins," Sirius confessed, grimacing.

James nodded. He could imagine that. Regulus didn't seem to fit there anymore.

Shortly before the train arrived, Sirius woke his little brother up and gently advised him to change into his school robes. Regulus obeyed silently, the knot in his stomach made him feel as if he was going to be sick.

The train arrived at Hogsmeade and together they went on a carriage.

Slowly the students made their way across Hogwarts' grounds into the castle and towards the Great Hall.

The group around Sirius and Regulus had grown very silent the nearer they got, all of them feeling the brothers' tension. Peter and James were talking quietly while Regulus and Sirius said nothing, silently walking next to each other. Just before the entrance to the Great Hall, Sirius swallowed heavily and took his brother by his arm, leading him over to a window, a bit away from the mass of students that was streaming into the Great Hall.

"So… do you have the mirror? The necklace?" Sirius asked, his voice felt scratchy in his throat.

Regulus nodded.

"Show me."

The younger boy rolled his eyes, then retrieved the mirror out of his robe's left frontal pocket.

"And the necklace?"

Regulus sighed. He rummaged around his other pocket, finally pulling the necklace out.

"Wear it around your neck. Don't take it off." Sirius ordered. "This is a rule. Don't disobey me on this," he added at the sight of Regulus' displeased expression. But he didn't care in the least that Regulus didn't like wearing it – having to let his little brother living in a dorm with _murderers_ and _Death Eaters_ , Sirius couldn't take any more risks.

"Man, Sirius, we just arrived and –"

"No. Put it on, now."

Regulus scowled but obeyed, careful that nobody paid attention to him putting on a necklace. This was so embarrassing. He quickly hid it beneath his robes.

Sirius forced a small smile. "We'll talk as soon as possible, okay? Maybe we should've on the train, but I felt as if… it wasn't the place. And I didn't want to wake you up because you were sleeping like a baby," he added in a weakly teasing tone.

Regulus nudged him on the shoulder, quickly looking around, making sure nobody had heard Sirius. "Don't say things like that!" He hissed.

Sirius' smile broadened. "I promised I'd go on your nerves."

Regulus tried for a glare but it wasn't very convincing.

"Okay, we need to go. How 'bout we talk this evening? After the Welcoming Feast, before curfew, as soon as possible. Seventh floor, Knights' Room," Sirius said, not really expecting anything but agreement from his brother. And just like he had expected, Regulus nodded. The younger boy's eyes flicked nervously over to the Great Hall's entrance and he chewed on his lip absentmindedly.

They entered the Great Hall.

Sirius watched his brother approaching the Slytherin table, a bit reluctantly at first, his eyes scanning the students' faces, then, he watched Regulus head purposefully into Barty Crouch Junior's direction.

Sirius felt his facial features harden. He didn't know a lot about the Crouch boy, but something about the boy appeared to be not quite kosher, if he was in Slytherin and hung out with the guys Reg hung out as well. But it was better than Reg sitting next to Avery or Snape, Sirius reckoned, and so he slowly started to move into the Gryffindor table's direction. He kept his eyes on his brother, though, firmly.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Someone shouted from next to him just after he'd bumped with his shoulder into someone or something.

"Sorry," He mumbled absentmindedly and continued to push his way through the crowd of students towards the place James had held free for him on the top of the Gryffindor table, not far from the teacher's tables.

"You're being very obvious," James hissed. "If you continue to act like that, even Filch's cat will notice something's off with you today."

"Sorry." But Sirius wasn't really sorry, he was only half listening to James while he shifted around to find a better position to observe his brother from. Unfortunately, the Hall was extremely crowded, and by now most of the students had seated themselves, blocking Sirius' view.

At the Slytherin table, Regulus chewed on his bottom lip to distract himself from the awful knot in his stomach while half listening to his friends. Barty was moaning about how horrible his holidays had been and how relieved he was to be rid of his parents again.

"I'm glad I won't have to see them for ten months. Mother I wouldn't mind so much, but Father… He's such an arse. I hope he chokes on his stupid tie," Barty exclaimed, his face contorting in hatred. Regulus sighed. It was strange that the two months Barty was forced to see his father was enough to give him enough topics of complaints to suffice until the end of the school year. But Regulus was used to it.

"And I hope the old fool will finally get his rambling over with so we can start eating." Evan Rosier remarked dryly from across them, impatiently drumming with his feet against the table leg.

"Don't talk about food now. I'm still stuffed from the sweets we've had on the train, bloody liquorice wands…" Barty leant back and patted his belly demonstratively.

"Ew, who the hell likes liquorice? That's disgusting," Amycus Carrow remarked from across the table.

"You're disgusting," Barty mumbled. Then, his forehead furrowed, seemingly remembering something. "Regulus, on the train, where –"

"Did you know that Potter is Head Boy now?" Someone asked, interrupting Barty.

"Huh? James Potter?" Regulus turned, a wave of surprise and disbelief hitting him. "He's Head Boy?"

"Yeah. That prick – Dumbledore's finally gone gaga, I guess. Not that he wasn't already, but now I guess he's completely lost it. Stupid Potter representing the student body? I'd like to vomit," Evan responded.

Regulus turned his head towards the Gryffindor table, trying to get a glance of his brother and James but he couldn't see them. Maybe better so. Neither Sirius nor James had told him anything about James being Head Boy this year. He felt his mood's temperature drop even lower. He'd spent the entire previous evening with the Potters and the whole day today in the train with Sirius and James, and still, neither of them had told him. They simply didn't care whether he felt like an idiot, did they?

"How have your holidays been, Regulus? You haven't written me back," Barty said, his voice adopted an accusing tone.

Regulus felt his anger at Sirius increase. _It's not my fault I didn't write back… and yet I have to justify myself for it._ "I've been busy. Sorry."

"Busy? What've you been up to?"

"I'll tell you later about it, okay?" Regulus responded curtly, then pressed his lips tightly together.

Barty raised his eyebrows and his eyes flicked from Regulus to Evan, who only shrugged, and back.

At that moment, the hall's door opened, and the new first-years entered, obediently walking behind each other in pairs, their little faces astounded, gaping at the sight of the Great Hall's magical beauty.

This time, though, Regulus didn't feel like cheering and applauding each time one of them got sorted into Slytherin. He felt strange here, for the first time in his life. How many of these children were only sorted in a house because of their prejudices they had already internalised even though they had only just entered the school?

Each first-year Slytherin already knew that he would never befriend a Gryffindor, same with first-year Gryffindors.

Regulus looked up to the teacher's table, his eyes manifesting upon Dumbledore. Why did it have to be like this, why did the school separate their students from each other, why did it create animosity between them before they even really got to know each other? It was the school that was creating a class system in their society.

It was the reason their family had been destroyed.

"Regulus, are you okay?" Barty asked from beside him in a hushed voice, by now a bit concerned about his friends' strange behaviour.

Regulus just nodded, pressing his lips firmly together.

After the Welcoming Feast, Regulus followed the other Slytherins to the Slytherin common room in the dungeons. Originally, he had planned only to stay for a short time and then make his way to the Knights' Room how Sirius had asked him to but shortly before he could leave, something cropped up.

"Black. We need to talk for a moment."

Regulus stopped dead in his tracks, then turned around, spotting Mulciber close behind him. The older boy gave him a strangely curious look, then, not before looking around to make sure they were not watched, he leant near Regulus and asked in a low voice "I've heard you've been spying for the Dark Lord?"

Regulus felt his stomach turn for a moment, then he collected himself. "So, have you heard that," he responded carefully, quickly adopting a slightly haughty poker-face.

Mulciber nodded. "I have. Your cousin Lestrange told me – in confidence, of course, I don't think she told anyone else about the details. But I am the person in charge at Hogwarts in matters of fighting for our cause, so… I guess that's why she decided to tell me."

Regulus nodded shortly, once. "Bellatrix knows you can be trusted. So I guess I can trust you to keep this information for yourself as well?"

By now, Regulus could feel the stone around his neck warming up against his chest. He quickly leaned against an armchair, creating some space between him and Mulciber, feeling the stone cool down again.

Mulciber nodded quickly. "Of course, Black. I didn't mean to imply that I would spread rumours – I'd never. I just wanted you to know that I acknowledge what you do. It's not easy, spending your entire holidays with a traitor – I bet you're glad to be back."

Regulus considered for a second and nodded. "It wasn't easy, that's true, pretending to be someone I am not. But Sirius trusts me now, I am sure of that. He might be harmless himself, but could be of some value anyway. People trust him."

Mulciber grinned, showing his crooked front teeth. "Yeah, he's an idiot but he obviously has something that draws people to him. So, if you need something, like me telling our folks to lay off him at times – if it's useful for you, I'll do it. You have my full support."

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

"Do you want to make someone else privy to it?"

"I don't know yet… maybe Barty, Evan, Cenrick, and Severus, but no others. The fewer people know, the better. After all, I don't want my information source to get wind of my intentions and you know how students talk around here."

"Sure. I'll leave it up to you. I just wanted you to know that the Dark Lord is really impressed by your effort. Even after you were gone, he praised you in front of everyone as an example of devotion to the cause despite your age."

Regulus felt a lump build in his throat. He tried to swallow it down but it only grew bigger in response. "You were praised as well, Mulciber," he said, forcing his voice to sound halfway neutral even though he felt as if he almost squeaked those words out, desperate for this conversation to end. Once more, the memory of Voldemort's red eyes bearing into his appeared in front of his mind and he shuddered.

It would be a good idea to keep on the right side with Mulciber, though. They weren't exactly close, but Mulciber had been the secret mastermind behind most of the attacks on muggleborns on Hogwarts during the last years, and was, together with Avery, kind of the leader of the Slytherin gang. If he was on his side, it would make things less complicated.

A proud smile played around the older boy's lips. He gave Regulus a simple nod but Regulus could see in his eyes that his words had elated Mulciber with pride. The young man really tried his hardest to please Voldemort and the only thing he wanted more than anything else was to get acknowledgement for his efforts.

"What took you so long?" Sirius asked the moment Regulus pushed the door to the Knights' Room open. It was already dark outside and the room was dimly lit with torches on the walls, causing the knights in their silvery armour to stand out darkly silhouetted against the stone walls. At night, they seemed even more alive than during the daytime.

But Regulus quickly dismissed that thought – compared to Sirius, who was quickly striding towards him, they seemed stone dead again.

Regulus closed the door quickly and when he turned around again, the next thing he felt was that he was pushed back by the force of Sirius taking hold of his shoulders. Firmly.

"My necklace heated up some time ago – what happened?" Sirius' voice was harsh, and his eyes locked with Regulus'.

"Merlin, Sirius, calm down. It was nothing. I told you, it couldn't be avoided in the dungeons –" Regulus tried to peel Sirius' hands off and grimaced as his brother's fingers only bore harder into his shoulders in response.

"What made the stone heat up?"

"I told you it was nothing –"

"And I told you to stay away from Death Eaters! That wasn't nothing, I was about to get sick with worry! The only reason I didn't storm down there was that the stone's colour wasn't black – now you tell me, what was that?"

"I just talked to someone for a second. I didn't even want to, but I can't walk around ignoring people who talk to me –"

"Oh, I think you can. You will not associate with _any_ of _them_ , at all, clear?"

"No. I need to survive down there, and you need to lay off me. I didn't do anything wrong. You think it's all so easy, but it's not."

Sirius' expression hardened. "Tell me who you talked to! Was it Avery? Snape?"

Regulus shook his head. "No. It's none of your business who I talk to."

"What?! Of course it's my business – especially if said person's a Death Eater!"

"Yeah. That's why I can't tell you. Because then everyone would know."

"Know what?"

"Who's a Death Eater. You'd tell." Regulus rolled his eyes and finally managed to free himself from Sirius' grip. He took a step backwards and rubbed his shoulders demonstratively.

"Wha – everyone should know! They should get expelled!"

"Well, you can get them expelled if you find out about one, but I won't. And if you try and use me to find out who's a Death Eater, I swear, I'll feed this fucking necklace to the Giant Squid."

Sirius gaped at his little brother, fear clearly visible on his face. Then, his expression changed to undisguised fury, and he was all up in Regulus' face again, so close that their noses were almost touching and Regulus could hear his brother's teeth grind as Sirius' jaw muscles flexed.

When Sirius finally spoke, his voice came out in a low growl. "You do that, you take it off without my permission, and you'll find yourself over my knee for a sound spanking you'll remember for the rest of your life."

Now it was Regulus' turn to gape at his brother. His stomach dropped to his feet and he took a quick step backwards, putting some space between himself and his brother. "You can't! We're at school," he squeaked.

Sirius' expression remained hard and his voice was like iron. "Oh I can, little brother, and I will if necessary. Being at school has nothing to do with it. You know the rules, they are not depending on the location. And I promise you that if you disobey me on them, there will be consequences."

Regulus felt all his blood drain from his face. Sirius couldn't mean that – he just couldn't! "But Sirius! You're being so unfair, this isn't – you can't do that, it's not fair at all!"

"I don't care about fair or not. I'm deadly serious about this. No Death Eaters. No Dark Magic. No exceptions. You will do what I say to keep yourself safe."

Regulus felt anger rise inside of him. "This is exactly what I always talk about but you _never_ listen to me! You're never taking into consideration what _I_ want, you only care about yourself and think I am a child that knows nothing, but I'm not," he exclaimed, raising his voice's volume considerably.

"We've talked about that on Saturday. Now I want you to calm down and lower your voice."

Hot tears of anger started to fill Regulus' eyes. "Why have you changed like this? You were fun until last week, and then you suddenly turned into a dictator!"

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't defy me all the time! Do you think it's fun for me to constantly having to fight with you? It's unbearable, and I hate it!"

"So why do you do it? Why don't you just listen to me, just once? I know what I'm doing, you can trust me!"

Sirius gave an exasperated sigh. "I listen to what you say, I do. But in the end, it's me who gets to decide things in this family. And I prefer fighting with you a hundred times over seeing you endangering yourself simply because you don't know any better."

Sirius took his little brother in, the defensive stance, his knitted eyebrows, the small angry dimples on Regulus' lower forehead just above his eyebrows. The way Regulus' voice went cold but the rest of his face betrayed him, revealing the anger and frustration that was bubbling beyond the surface.

"Whatever, are we done here? I'm tired and want to go to bed." Regulus turned and took a few steps towards the door.

Sirius' eyebrows furrowed and he followed his brother in quick steps, grabbed him by the arm and turned Regulus around again. "Don't just walk away like that!"

"It's almost curfew. Whatever else you want to threaten me with, make it short, I'm not the one who's in Gryffindor and gets away with murder because of that."

Sirius shook his head at his brother's words. "Why can't we talk reasonably, Regulus? If you want I'll accompany you back and should anyone ask I'll be the one to be held responsible."

"Merlin forbid, please don't. I don't need you to _walk me back and hold my hand_." Regulus demonstratively ripped his arm from Sirius' loosened grip.

Sirius ran a hand over his face. "I didn't mean it like that – I didn't want us to fight this evening, Reg." Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have…" He looked at his brother, took in the mixture of defensiveness and anger on Regulus face.

He didn't want Reg to look at him like that. It struck him like lightning: Sirius realized he had been too hard on his brother. He'd had a go at Reg without his brother deserving any of it, he'd let his worry take over him and had overreacted. After realizing that, Sirius looked crestfallen all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry, Reg... I got carried away and was an arse. I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have jumped all over you like I did. I didn't even mean to, but recently, each and every time we talk it ends badly, doesn't it? And I don't want that, really. Please not tonight."

Regulus almost gave him another spicy retort, but then reconsidered. He didn't want them to part on bad terms this evening either. But Sirius was infuriating him the last days. The last week. It wasn't as if he didn't love his brother because he did, but then again, his commanding tone, the topic with Regulus' friends, it was all too much somehow. Still, maybe part of the reason they didn't get along recently was Regulus' fault. Because he seemed to explode on every little issue. He didn't even know why, he just knew that everything was making him furious. He was always so angry.

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" Regulus asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

Sirius looked at him helplessly. "I just wanted us to figure out how to keep more in touch. Seeing each other. I don't want us to simply meet on the corridors or see each other from the distance in the Great Hall. You're my brother, Reg. We should spend time together. Regularly. 'Cause we're family, and I feel that… we need it. Agreed?"

Regulus shrugged at first, then nodded reluctantly. He would've liked to say no, especially after Sirius had just threatened him with a spanking like you did some little child, but then again, he wanted to spend time with Sirius as well. Even when he was insufferable. And mean, and unfair. Because once in a while, he was also fun, and loving, and Regulus felt so much at home in his presence.

Regulus could see his brother swallow and it took a few seconds of awkward silence until Sirius continued in a soft voice. "I know this is strange for both of us, seeing each other at Hogwarts. But we shouldn't continue our past's mistakes. I know for most people, spending time with their big brother might sound boring, but I've missed you for so long. I want to spend time with you. Don't you as well?"

Regulus averted his eyes, studied the ancient, in dim light wanly shining stone floor. "Yeah…"

Sirius gave him a hesitant smile. "So… how 'bout we meet up after classes tomorrow and then we can hang out a bit, how does that sound?"

"Fine."

Sirius sighed. "You know, I'd rather be back at the cottage right now. Maybe read something, walk along the beach, or play chess with you. Or just talk. Like we used to." He tried to meet Regulus' eyes, bending down a bit. "If you've got any problems, any at all, or just want to talk, it doesn't matter whether it's night or day – just call me with the mirror. I'll be there for you." Sirius didn't want his brother to go back to the dungeons. He didn't want Reg living in a dorm where he knew Death Eaters lived as well. Maybe one of them had murdered a muggle not two days ago. If he could just take Reg with him to Gryffindor Tower…

"What problems? You're the one who thinks I've got problems. I'm not a baby, I can get by." Regulus exclaimed and Sirius could already see the tell-tale angry dimples again just above his brother's eyebrows.

He closed his eyes. "I know." It felt more and more like rejection. "Don't be angry at me for worrying – I know you're not a baby, but I love you, little brother. I can't help it, I worry about you. And I don't want you to feel… as if you couldn't call me. It was just a suggestion," he mumbled, then let his voice die away.

"Okay, I get it." Regulus looked uncomfortable. Was he embarrassed? Sirius wanted nothing more than to take his brother into his arms and beg him for forgiveness for whatever he had done to make Reg move away from him.

"Can I go now?"

Sirius nodded, defeated. "Sure. Sleep well. Love you," he whispered, saying what he always said when Reg went to bed. And most of the times, Reg smiled and said it back.

Regulus grimaced. "See you." Then the younger boy turned and left without looking back.

* * *

Regulus lay in his bed in the boys' dorm room. From the direction of Barty's bed, he could hear soft snoring.

After he'd gotten back, he'd told his closest friends the basics about where he had been during the holidays. Cenrick, Severus, Barty and Evan. Evan and Barty's reaction had been incredulity at fist – Regulus had never spoken much about his brother, they'd had almost forgotten that he had one – but then, they had found the little espionage story he'd told them pretty cool. Cenrick had been approving as well, even after some doubts at first. But if the _Dark Lord_ approved of Regulus' actions (and Regulus had emphasized that pretty strongly), there was just no way he would dare to disagree.

Severus, on the other hand, hadn't been so easy to convince. Even though Regulus asserted that he still hated Sirius (what hadn't been difficult, right after having fought with his brother) and that he only wanted to use this invidious situation in a good way, Severus still had cast him unsure glances.

"So… are you going to pretend to get along with _Black_ ", Severus hadn't been able to hide a sneer, "here at Hogwarts as well, or is your act over?"

"I will have to, otherwise, my whole effort to make him trust me would be in vain, wouldn't it? But this is the easy part, remember? Seeing him once in a while, that's not so bad. And now's the most efficient time to spy on him, while he's surrounded by all his Gryffindor friends," Regulus had responded smoothly.

"As if Potter and the other half-wits Black hangs around with knew anything valuable. They're just presumptuous imbeciles," Severus had sneered in response.

"Maybe. But it's just as valuable to find out that some people know nothing, isn't it? So we can concentrate on the _really important people_ ," Regulus had argued.

Severus had just shrugged. "Maybe so. It's your time to spend with who you want and if you are able to bear the presence of such –"

"Just like you said, Severus, it's _my_ choiceAnd I _choose_ to do something that helps our cause, don't you think it's the right decision then no matter whether it's comfortable or not?" Regulus had interrupted the older boy. He had been tired of arguing with Severus, and he'd known this was a knockout argument. "I am not afraid of making a sacrifice, and might it only be my free time. Are you?"

Severus' eyes had widened ever so slightly. "No, of course not." After that, Severus had shut up pretty quickly.

All things considered, Regulus was more than satisfied with how well things had gone with his friends. They had swallowed his story without any further objections, maybe because Bellatrix had prepared the way for him by promoting his actions as the ones of a self-sacrificing, ambitious young spy to Voldemort. And Voldemort's approval was really all he needed.

Regulus turned around to face the dorm's window. Through the lake's dark water, a few streams of moonlight found their way into the dorm room, the soft glimmer of light playing across the room in wavy rhythms. It was calming and familiar and yet Regulus felt not quite as home here like he had before.

The previous years, Hogwarts had always been his home as well, just like Grimmauld Place. He had even preferred it over his parents' house if he was honest with himself.

But now… it felt like the room had changed, when in reality, it was exactly the same.

It was Regulus who had changed.

Now, he wished himself back to the cottage. Where he would lay in his bed and look at the old-fashioned wallpaper instead, maybe hear Sirius' footsteps as his older brother was getting ready for bed in or he would listen to Owlbert cooing softly like he did when he arrived from his nightly flights.

Regulus wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. He could still hear the same background sounds consisting of Barty's constant snoring and a few moments ago, Evan had mumbled something in his sleep.

Suddenly Regulus wished for Sirius to be here. He was so far away, in that cold, high Gryffindor tower. Probably having fun with his friends. Or sleeping, glad to be here again. Feeling completely at home, surrounded by people he loved.

It was childish, he knew that, but somehow, the thought came to his mind's surface again and again, no matter how often he pushed it away. _Sleep well, love you too._ He should have said it back. Why had he and Sirius had to fight again this evening? Why were things so difficult all of a sudden, for they had been so carefree the last weeks?

Was Sirius feeling the same way? Was Sirius lying in his bed right now as well, thinking, maybe regretting some harsh words? Then again, Sirius never seemed to regret anything. He was always so sure of himself, having clear ideas of everything. Sirius' world was painted in contrasts whereas Regulus' world seemed to consist of a blur of greys.

Sirius thought you just had to do the right thing, and the rest would work itself out. Sirius thought he knew everything.

But Regulus knew better.

TBC…


	22. The Way The Big Boys Play

The next days, they regularly met up after classes in the castle's common areas. Sirius brought his friends and Regulus… well, Regulus brought lots of bad mood. Most of the time he kept as quiet as he could and tried to ignore James' stupid comments on everyone and everything and Sirius' haughty, arrogant attitude. But it was difficult to constantly bite his tongue and not give James a good piece of his mind from time to time.

Most of the afternoons, Regulus left early, glad for it to be over.

It was Thursday. Regulus had curled himself up in a chair at the far end of one of the tables that were standing in the middle of the room. A few chairs away, Sirius and his friends were sitting opposite to each other, a bowl of Bertie Bott's Beans standing on the table's middle, sweet wrappers were lying around everywhere.

"…and then his face, the way he looks after he's made an _oh-so-perfect_ potion, I would've liked to hex it off his face, stupid Snivelly," James was complaining in the background. Unfortunately, that remark brought Regulus back from his thoughts with an ungentle jolt.

Out of the corners of his eyes, Regulus could see Peter nodding enthusiastically whereas Remus showed no reaction and continued to concentrate on his school work.

"Moony, really, you're not going to spend the entire evening working on that essay, are you?" James asked, slumping in his armchair.

Remus grinned. "I'd like to, but I guess you're going to find a way to distract me in the end."

"You bet your furry arse I will. Peter, you got any ideas for distracting Professor Remus here?"

Peter snickered. "Depends… Are Sirius and Regulus going to join us?" He cast a glance at Sirius who had gotten up a few moments ago and now stood next to the chair Regulus had curled himself up into, the younger boy's features were containing a slightly sour expression.

"Do you want to play a game of chess?" Sirius knelt down in front of Regulus and pushed the book Regulus was reading away in a playful manner. Chess wasn't so much Sirius' area of expertise but he knew Regulus loved it and almost never said no.

Clearly annoyed, Regulus tightened his fingers on the book's edges and shook his head, not even lifting his eyes.

Sirius' face fell. "Do you want to do something else? Maybe we could all play Exploding Snap together?"

"Okay, persuaded," Remus remarked lightly, putting his essay away. Sirius gave him a thankful glance.

"Nice job, Siri," James jeered. "Exploding Snap it is then – not exactly a newidea, but a tried and trusted one. Works every time."

"No!" Regulus quickly lifted his hands in a denying way. "I just want to read in peace, _okay_?"

"Come on, Reg, I want us to do something together. That's the purpose of meeting here in the first place, isn't it?" Sirius' voice sounded almost whiny to Regulus' ears.

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Whatever… now, if you please – it's really hard to concentrate with you talking all the time," he said snappily.

"Come on, Padfoot, leave him be. If he doesn't want to have some fun, it's his problem," James interjected as the other boys already seated themselves around the table and James took out his exploding snap cards and started to shuffle them.

"Just a moment, Prongs." Sirius settled in a chair opposite to his brother and watched Regulus for a few moments. Something was off. Regulus had been reserved the last days and Sirius hadn't given it too much thought, but this attitude Regulus displayed really started to bother him.

After some time of being watched, Regulus finally looked up, annoyance clearly showing on his face. " _What?!_ "

"What's wrong, Regulus?" Sirius noticed his brother raising his eyebrows slightly at the mention of his full name.

"Nothing. What's wrong with _you?_ " Came the snippy reply.

"Nothing! I just thought we were going to do something together."

Regulus shrugged in a disinterested way, his gaze manifested on the book in his lap once more. "Aren't we?"

"No, something fun –"

"Then go have fun with your _friends_ , if you can't entertain yourself."

"But then how are we spending time together when you –"

"Do I have to? No? Then fucking _leave me alone now_! You're bothering me!" Regulus hissed.

"Wow, somebody's cranky today. Come, Sirius, just leave him alone," Remus tried whereas a groan could be heard from James' direction and a mutter that sounded a lot like an annoyed "Slytherins…"

Sirius, on the other hand, narrowed his eyes. "Watch the way you're talking to me," he reprimanded his brother.

Regulus looked up, his eyes were narrowing as well. "If you don't like what I'm saying, then just stop talking to me. It's not as if _I_ am the one who's forcing us to be here."

"Forcing us to be here?" Sirius was flabbergasted. "I'm not _forcing you –_ "

Regulus raised his eyebrows and clapped his book shut. "Oh. I apologize, I misunderstood then. Have a nice day," he said sarcastically and got up, walking towards the door.

Sirius stared at him for a moment, as if he couldn't believe his brother. "Hey!"

Regulus didn't react, just pushed the door open, just to be yanked back and turned around to face Sirius once more.

" _What the hell is wrong with you today?_ " Sirius was angry now, he didn't understand this strange behavior at all.

"Siri, just let him go if he doesn't want to be here…" James tried again but Sirius ignored him.

"I just want to read in peace, is that too much to ask for? Now, let me go!" came the ratty reply from Regulus.

Sirius observed his brother for another moment, then, finally, let him go, sighing. "Tomorrow then maybe?" he asked, just as Regulus was about to turn around again.

"Tomorrow I've got stuff to do."

"What stuff?"

"None of your business."

"Fine, then not!" Sirius huffed irritably. Regulus blinked for a second, then cast his brother a dark look, turned and left without another word. Sirius listened to his footsteps descending before exhaling exasperatedly and joining his friends.

"Whew, that was a _hissy_ fit," James remarked. "Next time you better try it with a flute. Try and improve your snake charming skills because they're dreadful." He grinned.

"Shut it," Sirius responded grumpily. He didn't feel like stupid jokes at all right now.

Regulus was fuming. He'd almost slammed the door into Sirius' face but then, in the last moment, had refrained from doing so. He didn't want another _conversation_. He just wanted to get away from there.

 _Snivelly. Snakes. Slytherins._ James' voice, dripping with arrogance, talking as if he was omniscient. And Sirius, agreeing without giving it another thought. Laughing, behaving like a fool. Not contemplating that Regulus was a Slytherin too, that some of the Slytherins James so openly talked bad about were Regulus' friends.

And then Sirius, reprimanding him in front of the others. _Watch the way you're talking to me._ "Watch your own stupid mouth," Regulus grumbled to himself as he turned round a corner.

Anger boiled inside of Regulus' stomach like a volcano in danger of erupting and he concentrated on reigning his anger back in, taking a few deep breaths and flexing his jaw muscles. Now he regretted not slamming that stupid door. He regretted not throwing his book at Sirius. Maybe he was overreacting, so what? He didn't have to spend time with Sirius and those stupid friends of his after all. He could do very well without it.

He entered the Slytherin common room.

Barty greeted him with a lopsided grin gracing his surprised expression. "Regulus! Already back?"

"Obviously."

"So… you're not going to spend the afternoon with Black?" Evan asked, getting up from his place on the couch.

"I've got enough of him for today. I can only spend so much time with him and his friends without literally feeling my brain cells beginning to commit suicide," Regulus ground out. The anger bubbling in the pitch of his stomach felt good suddenly, and not having to hide it any longer felt even better.

"Gryffindors," Evan scoffed while Barty only regarded his friend compassionately.

Regulus nodded. "Exactly." _Gryffindors. Stupid, arrogant little prats._

* * *

The next time Regulus met Sirius in the corridors, he walked straight past him at first, deliberately avoiding his gaze. Regulus had managed to avoid his brother for a few days, but this time, Sirius had been waiting for him after lunch, leaning against the wall next to the Great Hall's entrance in a casual way, his hair in a ponytail, a few Gryffindor girls standing not far away, giggling, flirting.

When Sirius saw Regulus, he straightened up. "Reg!" Immediately forgetting the girls that were still looking at him adoringly.

Regulus had sped his pace up, pretending not to have heard his brother.

"Regulus! Come on, wait for me," Sirius exclaimed. Regulus sighed and stopped, turning around.

"What?!"

Sirius' expression faltered. He bit his lip, coming a few steps nearer. "Reg… I know you're mad at me…"

"Really? How'd you figure that one out?" Regulus responded sarcastically.

Sirius brushed a stray strand of hair out of his face. "Look, I said, I get you're pissed at me. I don't know why but… I'm sorry, for whatever it is."

Regulus snorted. "Wow, that sounds like the sincerest apology ever if you can't even figure out for what you ought to apologize."

"Come on, give me a break! You're _always_ angry about something, maybe it's not even me but _you_ who's simply feeling bitchy today."

Regulus snorted. He had known that Sirius hadn't meant his apology. "Just leave me alone."

He was about to turn around again as he felt Sirius grab his shoulder, firmly, keeping him in place. "No, you're not going to run away again! And I told you, I'm not going to leave you alone so you can forget that little avoiding game you're playing, it won't work, got it?"

Regulus looked away and Sirius sighed. "Reg… please. Just tell me how we can work this out."

"If you would just once see things from my perspective," Regulus muttered.

"I'm trying, I know it's not easy," Sirius said.

"You know nothing," Regulus said, angry again. "Why don't you go hang out with your friends and practise strutting around the castle."

Sirius' eyes darkened. "At least I know that with the way you're acting, you can't expect me to pat you on the shoulder and congratulate you!"

"At least I'm not the one constantly needing confirmation of how great I am," Regulus hissed.

Sirius stared at him incredulously. "Are you looking for a fight, is that it, Regulus?"

Regulus looked away. Sirius reached out and took hold of Regulus' chin, tilting his head up. "Look at me."

Reluctantly, Regulus met his brother's eyes, watched them softening a bit. "Reg, I don't want us to fight. If you would just talk to me. I love you, you know that?"

Regulus looked around quickly, blushing. No one was paying attention, the Gryffindor girls had walked off into the other direction. When he turned his eyes back to Sirius, he saw his brother's eyes fixed firmly on his own, watching him like a hawk. "I know…" Regulus mumbled.

Sirius put his hands on Regulus' shoulders again, looking as if he'd pull him into a hug the next moment.

Regulus took a quick step back, his heart leaping to his throat. If anybody saw him hugging Sirius of all the things, it would make things difficult to explain. Spying on his brother didn't require him to doling out hugs.

The hurt look on Sirius' face didn't escape his attention but he chose to ignore the feeling of guilt that crept up on him.

* * *

It was about two weeks later when James sat on the lowest stair tread on the flight of stairs that were leading to Gryffindor tower. They had just finished lunch and he only waited for Sirius to finally get ready and follow him upstairs. They still had to prepare the bewitched dragon wings they would smuggle into potions class with the hope of getting their revenge on Snivellus. It was a shame that they had to take potions this year anyway and Snivellus would pay for making their lives miserable by forcing them to look at his ugly face every day. James drummed his feet on the stone floor, impatiently. If Sirius would just hurry up… but of course, now, of all the times, he had to have a chat with Regulus.

James adjusted the round, silver-rimmed glasses that were sitting on his nose and rested his elbows on his knees, sighing deeply. Maybe he should head up already, but what good would it be without Sirius? The fun part in the art of pranking was most importantly generated by camaraderie.

He spotted Lily rounding the corner. She was coming from the Great Hall, having her lunch finished as well.

"Hello beautiful," he smiled, his mood lifting immediately.

Lily looked up, shook her shining auburn locks out of her face and returned his smile. Light-footed, she danced around him and sat down next to him, their shoulders touching.

"Hello, handsome. So pensive today, what are you doing, looking so thoughtful and attractive?" She grinned.

"I'm waiting for my prince to escort me back to my tower."

She chuckled. Merlin, he loved the wrinkles around her eyes when she laughed, their warm, vivid expression, like a forest during springtime.

"If you mean Sirius, he's still talking to Regulus, I just saw the two of them, near the Great Hall's entrance door."

"Yeah, I was starting to get bored. But now that you're here, things look a lot better." He smiled and traced the upside of her thigh with his pointing finger.

Lily leaned near and put a small, teasing kiss on the tip of his nose. James reached out and placed his hand on the back of her head, felt it being absorbed by the softness of her voluminous hair as he leaned forwards and kissed her back, on the lips. She responded to his kiss for a few exquisite moments until he felt her smile against his lips and gently pull away. "I'll be waiting for you there, then," she whispered, slowly untangling herself from his arms.

He made a bit of a pouting face. "There goes the only light in my triste waiting existence," he mumbled as she got up again.

"I am, and because you're a smart little prince, I'd suggest you don't let me, or _potions,_ wait too long today. We've only got fifteen minutes left and you've still got to collect your potions book," she said and, before he got the chance to respond, she added "and _no_ , you're not borrowing mine again."

"Then I'll borrow Mary's," James smirked. Mary sat next to Lily in potions, so borrowing Mary's book would be just as good as borrowing Lily's.

"You're impossible." She tried to sound stern but couldn't manage to hide the amusement.

"I know," he sighed tragically, accepting his fate of being reduced from a lover to a waiting man. If Sirius would just hurry up, then, maybe, he would have a few minutes left before potions to snog with Lily…

He waited for another maybe three minutes, then decided to get up, slowly walking back in the direction of the Great Hall.

The hallways had cleared by now, most of the students had vacated to their next classes or their common room and he spotted Sirius and Regulus instantly, for Sirius' voice could be heard all over the place.

"…I said no and I mean no."

James groaned. They were fighting again, of course. What else was to be expected, it was all they did each time they spoke to each other. Usually, it started with Regulus making a face or Sirius criticizing Regulus' commerce. And then it would culminate in Regulus shouting at Sirius or muttering miserably as he simply walked away, purposefully casting Sirius one last dark look.

As James approached the two, he caught a glimpse of Regulus' face. The boy's expression was, as usual, disgruntled and moody as the boy glared at Sirius openly.

"And I don't care."

"You better," Sirius said threateningly.

Regulus crossed his arms over his chest, straightening up but still being forced to tilt his head backwards to look at his older brother who was almost a head taller. "Whatever," he said shortly.

James heard Sirius sigh. He couldn't see his best friend's face, only his back, but he could imagine his best friend's expression right now. Regulus had been a right brat the last weeks and it seemed as if Sirius was finally close to being completely fed up with it. James, on the other hand, had been fed up with it since day two at Hogwarts and found it increasingly difficult to understand how Sirius could allow Regulus to treat him like this.

Slowly, he shuffled his feet towards the two. Regulus saw him first and the boy's expression of dislike couldn't have been more honest as he rolled his eyes.

"See, Reg, that's another thing, you never talk, you simply roll your eyes at me and –"

"Not everything is about _you_. I simply acknowledged your Siamese twin behind you," Regulus rolled his eyes again, this time at Sirius though.

Sirius turned around. As soon as he saw James, he seemed to remember that they had wanted to set up the prank. "Crap. I totally forgot, sorry Prongs," he said apologetically.

"If you're ready now, we've still got time left," James shrugged. He watched Sirius turning back to Regulus and contemplating his brother for a moment.

Regulus had leaned back against the column and was watching them with a haughty look on his face. "Yeah, go with him, he's more important anyway," he said snidely.

James didn't have to see Sirius' expression to know that it had darkened considerably. His own did as well as he took a few steps forwards until he stood next to Sirius and Regulus. "You know what, Regulus, if you don't have anything smart to say then just shut up."

Regulus gave a short, scornful laugh. "Oh, that's rich, James. If you would only follow your own advice people would wonder whether you could talk at all."

"Hey, watch it!" Sirius sounded stern now.

James couldn't hide the expression of satisfaction over Sirius finally telling the brat off that spread out on his face. It wasn't that he disliked Regulus, he'd actually gotten used to him during the holidays and had developed a bit of a kinsman like feeling for the boy, but Regulus then and Regulus now were like two different people. Then, he'd been an almost shy but very pleasing person to have around you, of course, he was a vituperative little nag at times but then again, he'd been fun to be around as well, at least when you considered that Regulus was actually a Slytherin.

Seeing the smug look on James' face, Regulus' expression darkened even more.

"What? He's the one who started it," Regulus complained. " _He_ should watch it!"

"I don't care, I'm the one who _ends_ it right now and here. Stop it or else, Regulus," Sirius said firmly.

James could see that Regulus was fighting with himself but finally managed to gulp the snide comments down that undoubtedly had lingered on the tip of his tongue. Instead, the younger boy now seemed to follow James' advice and said nothing.

Sirius turned back towards James. "Okay, how much time do we have left?"

James gave him a lopsided smile. "That's the Sirius I know. Still more than enough, we're experts after all."

Sirius returned his smile before turning back to Regulus. "I'm going, then. Remember what I said, you're not taking it off. I don't care what you tell them about what it is, and seriously, I don't even think they'll notice."

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one who has to walk around with it," Regulus grumbled.

"Bull, I wear a similar necklace, I just don't make a fuss because of it," Sirius responded.

"That's not the same!" Regulus said angrily and James could see how much the boy tried to keep his voice's volume down.

James groaned. "Can't we just go?"

Sirius sighed and turned around again, facing James. "Yeah, we need to go."

"Of course," Regulus chuntered to himself, "that's much more important to him. I bet it's the stupid prank he's planning to set up on _Snivellus_ to impress his _stupid_ friends –"

"That's enough, Regulus," Sirius said vehemently.

Regulus snorted, turned around and simply left but not without grumbling to himself about the unfairness and idiocy of Sirius, leaving James fuming inwardly and Sirius only shaking his head as he watched his brother leave.

James turned to his best friend. "What the heck is wrong with him?" He asked, outraged.

Sirius only shrugged, his expression pained as his gaze still lingered on the other end of the corridor where Regulus had just disappeared. "I don't know what to do with him anymore…"

"He's a pain in the arse, I don't know how you put up with it," James stated firmly.

Sirius looked at the floor. "I have to. He's my responsibility."

James almost laughed. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to take shit from him."

Sirius shrugged again. "Maybe. Maybe this is not working anymore, I feel like _here_ , he starts to hate me again."

James' eyes widened and he shook his head. "I don't think he hates you, Siri," he said softly. Regulus was being an incorrigible nuisance recently but James knew just as well how much Sirius loved his little brother. Sirius wouldn't be able to bear it should Regulus start to hate him again.

"Not yet but he will. I can feel it, he pushes me away. And already I am only feeling dread at the thought of meeting him again, having to fight again…" Sirius let his voice fade away.

James grimaced at hearing the hurt in his brother's voice. Because Sirius was his brother too, part of his family, and he hated seeing him hurt.

"I could talk to him," James offered.

Sirius bit his lip. "I'm not sure…" he looked at James for a second, then turned his eyes away to look at the floor. "I'm not sure that's what he needs…"

James raised his eyebrows. "What he _needs_? I'll tell you what the brat needs, he needs someone to show him his place!"

"Don't call him that," Sirius said, firmly, his brows furrowing.

James made a shocked face. "Are you _sirius_?" _There he is, the protective big brother._

"I totally am," Sirius responded but couldn't avoid the corners of his mouth quirking upwards a tiny little bit.

James smiled. At least there was some humour left in his friend. They walked alongside each other for some time, each of them wrapped up in their own thoughts. James observed his friend out of the corner of his eyes, quietly. Having Sirius as a friend, as a brother, it meant so much to him. Especially after having had to grow up alone, as an only child. He couldn't understand how Regulus could treat Sirius like that, not valuing him at all. Taking him for granted.

James had always looked with envy at those who were blessed to grow up with siblings. Among all the wishes he'd ever had, a sibling had been the one desire his parents had never fulfilled him, the one thing that was the most normal thing in the world for most children, for him, though, it was something wondrous. Having a sibling, someone to be there, always, a friend, that love that was between siblings, unconditionally, even when they _hated_ each other. When he'd been about eight and had desperately wanted a brother for Christmas, his Mum had sat down with him and explained to him that they would have very much wanted to have a second child but it just hadn't worked for them. Even more happy James had been when he'd finally found himself a brother. Not a blood-related brother, but that hadn't mattered, not in the least.

And now, suddenly, his _brother_ had another brother. And James was not sure what his relationship with Regulus could be called – but they weren't brothers, that was for sure. And James' parents weren't Regulus' mum and dad like they were Sirius'. It was strange.

Regulus had never been very present in Sirius' mind, in James' opinion, during the last years. And even though James had encouraged Sirius with the guardianship thing but he hadn't expected that it would become the only thing Sirius thought about. He hadn't realized how much Regulus meant to Sirius, and maybe he still couldn't grasp it, because Sirius had never seemed to miss his brother, at least not much.

" _You have a brother?"_ James had asked, incredulously, at Regulus' sorting. Sirius had only shrugged in response, averting his eyes from the strangely similar looking boy that had just been sorted into Slytherin.

" _Yeah… technically."_

James had thought that was absurd. He'd had known Sirius for two years then and thought he knew everything about his best friend. Not shortly after, Sirius had finally confided in him about how his childhood really had been. Until Regulus' sorting, James had only known that Sirius' family was a bunch of Slytherins, old-fashioned and bigoted, and that his parents hated having him around, resulting in Sirius never being allowed to return home for Christmas holidays and instead spending them with James' family.

Only a few times, Sirius had told him happier stories about his childhood. Sirius had told him about his little brother, how they had played hide and seek in the attic or pulled pranks on their acidulous elderly aunt Lucretia. Sirius had never called _the little brother_ Regulus, though. And it had been impossible for James to really connect the _little brother_ to the Regulus he'd seen at school even though James knew that they were supposed to be the same person, but for years he hadn't felt so and it seemed, at least to him, like Sirius felt in a similar way.

James bit his lip, then sighed. "I just mean… how he's acting, it's impossible. And I'm sure he knows that."

"Most likely," Sirius said, again focused on the floor.

"You don't care?"

Sirius shrugged. "Well… Yes, I do."

"Then why don't you do something about it?"

Sirius huffed. "And what am I supposed to do? Talk to him? I _tried_ , I'm doing what I can –"

"Then show him who's boss!"

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks. James realized it a second later and paused as well, turning around.

Sirius stared at him. "You think it's all so easy," he said, "but you don't get it, because _it's not_."

James shook his head. "No, I don't get it. I don't get why you allow the little brat to make your life miserable just because he feels like it!"

"He's not making my life miserable!"

"Uh-huh." James snorted.

Sirius shuffled his feet a bit. "I don't think he means what he says. He's still young, he's not having it easy…"

"You're making up excuses for him," James stated firmly.

Sirius huffed. "I'm not. You don't get it…" he sighed. "Can't we talk about something else?"

James tilted his head to one side. "And now you're avoiding the topic."

"Am not," Sirius said.

"Are too," James said in a high pitched voice, smiling.

Sirius' earnest expression crumbled and eventually, a smile broke through, lightening his face up.

* * *

Severus ran out of the classroom, his face as white as chalk. Hearing a few students talk nearby, he quickly covered his ears, grimacing.

"He's so ugly, he couldn't even win a dog beauty contest," one of them said and the others nodded seriously as if it was the most normal thing to say.

Cenrick came running behind him, a confused expression on his face. "Severus! What's wrong with you?"

Severus turned around, lowering his hands, looking at his friend helplessly. "I – I don't know, what, why –"

"Whatever permission you thought you had to speak to me, I hereby remove, snivelly Snivellus" Cenrick responded, approaching Severus slowly, raising both his hands as Severus flinched. "Oh, you thought we were friends? Think again, because all I see is an ugly bat no one wants to have anything to do with."

Severus just shook his head in disbelief while he thought he was getting sick. Was he losing it? What was happening to him? This couldn't be real.

"I hate this guy. He smells," A girl said to her friend as she passed by Severus, not even looking at him. "And his hair's so greasy, I bet he's never washed it in his entire life."

Severus blushed deeply, quickly backing away a few steps.

His classmates were coming out of the classroom by now until Professor Slughorn pushed his way through the crowd, advising the students to go back into the room. "Go back to your seats, he's ugly, but he's not that spectacular, nothing new here," he said in that deep voice of his, keeping his expression unnaturally straight and strangely worried.

Severus began to shake.

"Is Snivelly having a stroke?" someone asked.

Severus could hear the sounds of Potter and Black cracking up. "He's such a freak!"

"I'M NOT A FREAK," Severus shouted, drawing his wand to point it at Potter who was doubling over from laughter after Severus' violent outburst. Potter's laughter, it was unbearable to listen to, getting louder the longer it went on and eventually, the noise was so violent that Severus raised his hands to protect his ears even though the laughter went on, a cruel echo in his mind repeating it over and over or was it Potter who had invaded his mind? Or was he going crazy?

A second later, Severus' wand was grabbed out of his hands. The last thing he saw was Professor Slughorn's moustache as it moved while a constant stream of stinging insults poured out of his mouth. "Pathetic, and you think you're good at potions? You can do nothing right, despicable little half-blood…" Then, finally, darkness claimed him and everything went black as his body went limp and he sagged to the cold stone floor.

* * *

Regulus hurried up the stairs to the hospital wing. It was almost curfew and he and Barty had decided to visit Severus now that things had seemed to calm down a bit. There had been rumours that Severus had gone crazy, some students had speculated about one of Severus' potion experiments having gone wrong, others held the opinion that he'd been possessed in some way.

The stories about what had happened were therefore pretty wild and differed each time they asked about what had happened. The only consistent facts were that something had happened during potions class that had made Severus thrash around wildly, run out of the classroom and scream around.

The mention that it had been during potions had made Regulus prick up his ears. It had been the same potions class Sirius and James had been heading to this afternoon, after James had interrupted him and Sirius talking and Sirius had, _again_ , reprimanded Regulus in front of someone else. At the memory, Regulus felt his jawline tighten. And then there had been a mention of a prank, at some point. Sirius and James were pranking Severus all the time, Regulus knew that, but he knew as well that they were planning something bigger as a payback for something that had happened the last school year.

And now Severus was in the infirmary. What a coincidence!

Regulus entered the hospital wing, followed closely by Barty who was a bit more hesitant, maybe fearful of what they might find.

Just a moment later, Madam Pomfrey appeared. "Boys, it's almost curfew. You better be on your way back down to the dungeons…"

Regulus made a worried face. "But madam, please, we just want to see after Severus for a moment. We promise we'll be gone before you know it," he promised her.

Madam Pomfrey's eyes flicked from Regulus to Barty. "Are you friends of Mr. Snape?"

Regulus and Barty nodded.

Madam Pomfrey seemed to consider for a moment, eyeing them critically.

"We only want to see him for a moment. We've been very worried after everything we've heard and no teacher would tell us what exactly had happened," Barty said.

"It's just that it's really late," the woman said thoughtfully, "and he's had a hard day…"

"But if he's still awake, could we just see him, please? We only want to tell him to get well soon," Barty implored while Regulus tried to get a look behind Madam Pomfrey. He could see curtains drawn around a single hospital bed, the rest of the hospital wing was deserted.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "I'll see whether he's still awake or not." Then, she turned and approached the bed.

Barty and Regulus didn't wait for her to come back, they simply followed her. Regulus felt like a couple of squids were rumouring inside his stomach, making him feel sick for some reason. Then Madam Pomfrey pushed the curtain back a bit, gesturing for them to come closer. "You've got ten minutes, tops," she said decidedly.

Severus lay on his bed, wearing white pyjamas that were matching his pale skin tone, a grim expression on his face, but Regulus was sure he'd seen a flash of anxiety crossing his face. He looked even skinnier lying in that white, clinical bed and maybe it was the one-sided lighting with the ancient petroleum lamp next to him being the only light source in the huge room but his eyes looked dark and shadowed.

"Hi Severus," Barty said, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. Now that they were here, seeing their friend, both of them felt at a loss of what to say. Then, he started searching the pockets of his robes, pulling out a wrinkled packet filled with slightly dated jelly slugs and put it on the nightstand next to Severus' bed. "This is for you… to, um, cheer you up a bit," he mumbled.

Having lost his grimness, Severus gave them a short nod but refrained from saying anything yet.

"We hope you're okay," Regulus said. "Are you?"

Severus averted his eyes and stared at his hands that were folded over the white blanket. "I guess I am," he said slowly, words lingering on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed them back down. "I'll be out of here by tomorrow, most likely," he added. "It's completely unnecessary that I stay here tonight anyway…"

"We're glad you'll be back soon. You know, there have been a lot of stories about what happened, someone said that –"

"Stories don't matter, but we're really curious about what actually happened," Regulus interrupted Barty.

Severus shifted around a bit. Regulus saw that his friend was uncomfortable talking about what had happened but he really wanted, no, he needed to know.

"I… there has something gone wrong in potions…" Severus hesitated.

"I heard you tried to kill Potter?" Barty asked with a hint of admiration in his voice.

Severus' eyes flashed at the mention of James. "Not kill, more like torture into insanity. Pay him back in his own coin," he hissed.

"What do you mean?" Regulus asked, the squids in his belly multiplying.

Severus grimaced. "What I _mean_ is that a Girding Potion would never effuse poisonous fumes on its own, no matter how wrong you measure and mix the ingredients. If you add too many Dragonfly thoraxes it'll start boiling over immediately, if you add too may doxy eggs it'll get as hard as stone and eventually impossible to stir, in the worst case, it would explode, but only if you added exactly one and a half flying seahorses too many and then added another set of fairy wings because of the over-proportionate amount of energy that would be created in such a short amount of time–" Barty cast Regulus a confused glance, "- But my potion was perfect, it _was perfect until_ –" Severus took a deep breath, his jaw muscles twitched in anger, "At some point, _something else_ was added, Professor Slughorn said so as well. Possibly Flabberghasted Leeches or something essentially similar to Lobalug venom even though I highly doubt that idiots like –" He noticed the blank expressions of Regulus and Barty and cleared his throat, "Anyway… there's no proof –" He grimaced again, clenching his fists, "there's just no proof that _someone_ had thrown something into my cauldron."

Regulus swallowed heavily. "Who would do that?" he asked, barely getting the words out.

Severus looked him directly in the eye. "You really have to ask?"

Regulus looked away. So it had been Sirius and James. For some strange reason, he could feel tears starting to fill up his eyes – tears of disappointment – but he quickly blinked them away.

"What happened to you? You said it was poisonous fumes… what did they do?" Regulus asked quietly, regarding his friend's hands that were still clenched in fists.

"Those fumes had a hallucinogenic effect on me. I was… seeing things, hearing things. And in the end, it made me lose consciousness, mercifully," Severus responded in a low voice. "I swear I'll make Potter and Black pay for what they did."

"I'll help you," Barty said, quivering with rage. He glanced at Regulus who, meanwhile, thought he was going to be sick. "You'll help too, won't you, Regulus? We could set them up with your help and then we'll make them pay –"

Regulus flinched. "B-but then Sirius will know that I'm a spy," he took a deep breath, "it would all be in vain. My whole effort to make him trust me, Sirius is not that stupid," he said, feeling the squids in his stomach doubling over. Sirius didn't even think about the position he put Regulus in with this stupid prank. Who would have such a stupid idea anyway? It was not at all like the brother he loved. Sirius acted more like… the prat he'd always been at Hogwarts. A stranger.

Barty's brown eyes flashed with determination and hatred manifested itself in his features, causing the freckles on his nose and cheeks to dance up and down as his lips twitched. "They declared war by hurting one of us. This is serious."

Regulus nodded quickly. "Yes, it is. But I can't help you by siding against him, I'm sorry." He felt their eyes on him, the simmering of disappointment in the air. He looked up to meet Severus' eyes that were strangely calculating.

"I know how you could help anyway," Severus said slowly, his voice a hint deeper.

Regulus swallowed. "And how?"

"You won't have to do much. It's fairly easy, actually. I want you to go out to the Whomping Willow. Tomorrow night it'll be full moon," Severus said.

"What?" Regulus shook his head. "I don't get it, Severus. How is this of any good for your revenge?"

A dark expression had entered Severus' eyes. "You'll see. I bet it'll be eye-opening for you too."

"What?" Regulus said again, now very confused. "Eye-opening? What do you mean?"

But Severus didn't answer, he only scoffed. "Barty, leave us alone for a moment."

Barty looked from Severus to Regulus. Now, it was his turn to say "What?!"

"It's just instructions, you twit," Severus rolled his eyes at the younger boy's obvious indignation at being excluded. Barty wouldn't move, though.

Regulus, confused as well but not nearly as much as Barty, gave his friend a nudge. "Just go."

"Fine," Barty said finally, a bit sulkily. But he retreated, looked back one last time, "I'll wait for you outside, Regulus," and then left the infirmary.

Severus turned to Regulus. "I _know_ it's been Potter and your _brother_ ," he hissed in a hushed tone.

Regulus averted his eyes.

"And you know it as well, don't you, Regulus?"

Regulus hesitated for a second. "Yes," he said finally, barely audible.

"Real sad I won't get them expelled but they're Dumbledore's little darlings, am I right?"

Regulus shrugged. "They're Gryffindors."

"It would be the perfect revenge. I'm not asking for anything else. Regard it as demonstration on whose side you are. Don't worry, nothing will happen to _you_."

 _Happen to me?_ "What's your plan, Severus?"

"I'll show them what fear really means." The cruel expression on Severus' face caused shivers to run down Regulus' back.

He shook his head, still not understanding. "Can you stop speaking in riddles?"

Severus smirked what enhanced his sharp features even more in the dim candle light, making his nose look larger and his eyes even darker in contrast to his pale face. "I bet you didn't know that Black and Potter have some nightly strolls each month, do you? Yes, I bet Black hasn't told his _baby brother_ about them."

"Nightly strolls?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "If you want to find out more, you'll have to be there, tomorrow night. There's a knot on the Whomping Willow's stem, you need to prod it with a stick. Then the tree won't attack you."

"Why would I do that? Why would anyone go near that tree?"

"That or you won't find out what your brother and his friends are up to, in the bright moonlight." A sneer creased Severus' face.

Regulus bit his lip, his mind's wheels were turning. What did Severus mean? Suddenly, he remembered the time Sirius had left during the holidays, saying he would play Exploding Snap with James but instead meeting up with Moony and James – Moony, of whom he knew now that it meant Remus.

Full moon. Had it been full moon then as well? It had been maybe a month ago so it could very well have been. Regulus peered out of the windows next to Severus' bed, saw the almost full form of the silvery shining globe that was just now about to rise high above the sharp silhouette of the Forbidden Forest.

An almost unspeakable thought entered his mind. _I don't want you outside at night,_ Sirius had said. But he only seemed to care so much when the moon was full.

Moony. Moon. Full moon.

He looked back to Severus, knowing that his thoughts must be openly readable on his face but not being able to hide them.

"I think I've given you more than enough hints, Regulus," Severus said in a low voice. "Of course, if you're not up to playing with the big boys…"

Regulus met his eyes and felt himself nod almost automatically.

"Mr. Black, I must request you to leave now as well," Madam Pomfrey's voice sounded from behind Regulus.

Regulus looked at his friend, still not being able to believe what he had just been told.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Snape needs his rest and you should be on your way to your common room now, it's almost curfew," Madam Pomfrey added, putting her hand on Regulus' shoulder and giving him a light turn into the door's direction.

"Yes, ma'am. See you tomorrow, Severus," Regulus mumbled, deep in thought.

TBC…


	23. Moony

Warnings: Same old, also some violence

Remus was missing at dinner the next evening, Regulus noticed that. He also noticed how Sirius and his friends stuck together as if they were up to something. Regulus shoved his food from one side of the plate to the other, keeping his eyes on Sirius, oblivious to his friends chatting. One time Sirius almost caught him observing him but Regulus averted his eyes each time, quickly, and when he looked at his brother again, Sirius was talking to Peter, that lopsided smirk on his face that he always got when he talked to his friends, completely enjoying himself. Could Severus really be right? It was so hard to believe.

The thing was, it wasn't hard to believe that Sirius was out during full moon. Even though it would be something incredibly stupid to do because every student knew after all the stories about the horde of werewolves that lived in the Forbidden Forest. And if Remus really… Regulus almost couldn't believe the course of his own thoughts. What evidence was there that Remus was a werewolf? It was such a laughable theory, based on nothing but a nickname and some random observations that could just as well mean anything else. But it could be, the possibility was there.

But it was so hard to believe that Sirius would have kept this from him. Regulus hoped with everything in him that he was wrong, that his imagination was simply running wild. Even though they were fighting now most of the time, Sirius wouldn't… he wouldn't lie to him like that, not about something so important.

Or would he? Had he? Could Sirius really show him only one side of him and in reality be a completely different person?

Regulus shook his head to himself, taking his eyes off his brother and his friends, looking at his food again. He picked up a roast potato and put it into his mouth, chewing slowly. It had already gotten quite cold and he eventually forced himself to gulp it down, not feeling hungry anymore.

Severus sat a few metres away from him, alone just like he often did, and Regulus caught himself looking at his friend from time to time, trying to catch his eyes. Hoping for Severus to tell him more. But when he'd asked him earlier that day, Severus had just said that only his presence would be required, nothing more. He should follow a tunnel that started directly from under the Whomping Willow, he shouldn't forget his wand.

For a few moments, the thought occurred to Regulus that Sirius wouldn't be very happy about what he planned to do. He'd probably play merry-hell, Regulus knew that, but somehow he couldn't find it in him to care. He didn't think Sirius had the right to be hypocritical here, if Sirius went out during full moon then Regulus would too. And if not then he'd never know about it anyways.

Regulus spent the rest of the evening reading in the Slytherin common room, trying to get rid of the nervousness that crept through his mind and body and that caused his hands to become sweaty even at the thought of midnight. He noticed Barty casting him curious glances, felt his eyes following him, questioning, asking silently. It wasn't until they both lay in their beds and Regulus could hear his other roommates snore that Barty spoke up in a whisper.

"Regulus?"

Regulus turned around to face the dark silhouette of his friend on the other bed. "Mhm?"

"So are you doing it?"

"Yes."

"Then let me come with you."

"No." Regulus' response was immediate. Barty couldn't go with him, this was something between him and Sirius. "Me sneaking out is risky enough. And then Severus' plan wouldn't work out." Actually, Regulus wasn't quite sure what influence Barty coming with him would have on the success of Severus' revenge, Regulus didn't even understand how all of this could be an appropriate way to get back at Sirius and James but… he didn't really care anyways. Regulus wasn't even sure what would happen tonight or what he wanted to happen. Frankly, he had no plan at all, which was kind of unusual for him and maybe the reason of the stomach-ache he had developed during the last hours.

Merlin, he hoped Severus had a plan at least and that it would work out somehow. Severus had said that he only wanted them to learn what fear really meant and that sounded pretty satisfying to Regulus ears. He wanted to get back at Sirius as well, for lying to him. And for deceiving him, if it was true what Severus had said. And for being hypocritical.

Regulus felt anger tug at his brows. He turned onto his back and kept his eyes front, concentrating on the schemes of the dragon painting that decorated the ceiling. Oh, he definitely could relate to the painting right now, feeling like he wanted to spit fire on his brother. _Brother._ Sirius didn't act like the brother he'd been during the summer. No, Sirius acted like the prat he'd been for years and years. And Regulus realized that he didn't like him one bit when he was like that.

Maybe everything had just been an act. Because how could Sirius be so cold, cruel even, pranking Severus like that? Maybe Regulus had only seen what he wanted to see during the holidays and now, being back at Hogwarts, he was forced to open his eyes and see his brother for who he really was. A bully.

And if that was true, Regulus wasn't sure whether he even wanted Sirius to be his guardian anymore.

"Then you be careful, alright?" Barty whispered, a bit hesitant.

Regulus nodded, not realizing that Barty would barely be able to see it in the darkness. "What do _you_ think is going to happen?"

"I don't know. I thought you knew what you were doing out there? Severus' plan?"

Regulus swallowed. "I do… I just asked because, uh… you know, because you sounded so worried."

"Oh, I'm not worried about you. I just don't want to have to look for a new best friend after my old one got ripped apart by werewolves," Barty responded dryly.

Regulus chuckled. "Yeah, can't have that."

For a moment, Regulus almost wished he could take Barty with him. Not having to go through this alone.

"Will you wake me up and tell me what happened when you're back?"

Regulus smiled a bit. "Yeah, I can do that." It wasn't like it made any sense waking Barty up in the middle of the night if he could tell him everything in the morning instead but if his friend felt better that way, that was fine by Regulus.

A look at the clock on his bedside table caused Regulus to sit up straight, quickly pushing his covers back. It was already 11:45 and he still had to leave the dungeons, get out of the castle unseen and then walk to the Whomping Willow.

"I'm going, then," he said in a low voice, casting his friend a last glance. His nervousness must've been visible this time because Barty sat up as well, his eyebrows drawn together in worry.

"I could still go with you," Barty offered once more.

But Regulus shook his head even though everything in him yelled _YES PLEASE!_ He approached the door and opened it silently.

"Take care," came as a low whisper from Barty's direction. Regulus nodded, not turning around, otherwise, he might've given in and just stayed here for his stomach was making flip flops while everything in him yelled that this was a stupid idea.

A wave of cool air hit Regulus as he left the castle. The sky above him was partially clouded but through a small hole, the moon shone bright and full over the castle's grounds and the Forbidden Forest. Regulus shivered, hugging himself around his middle. For a moment, the thought of going back and getting a coat occurred to him. A warm, soft coat, to wrap himself into, one that would protect him from the coldness that crept down his back.

 _Stop that nonsense, you coward! You just don't want to go down there,_ Regulus scolded himself.

Slowly, Regulus began to walk along the path that unfolded itself in front of him, reluctantly putting one foot in front of the other, blinking into the darkness, listening keenly, all his senses on full alert.

What was that, there, rustling in the bushes? And how, for Merlin's sake, could his shoes make so much noise as he walked across the strawy grass? Had he just heard a wolf howl or was his imagination running wild? Regulus felt the almost irresistible urge to turn around and sprint back towards the castle. He felt the adrenaline rushing through his veins as his pulse quickened with every step he took towards the forest, with every breath he took, filling his lungs with the night's cool, shadowy air that transformed into bunches of fear inside of him and he exhaled it quickly, wanting to be rid of it, the danger that loomed all around him. Merlin, how he hated the darkness.

And yet he continued to follow the small path that led to the Whomping Willow, mindless, like a puppet. He stopped as soon as he saw it and watched the gigantic tree softly wave its branches and twigs with the wind as if it was quietly dancing to the wind's whistles' rhythm.

 _Why am I doing this again?_ Every fibre of his being commanded him to run but Regulus found himself rooted to the ground just like the ghastly tree in front of him. He forced himself to think back at what Sirius had done to Severus. How Sirius was lying to him, hiding things from him. And took a few more steps, slowly approaching the tree further.

He remembered this need to know. Even though he knew it was stupid, probably the stupidest way to find out about things, he was still doing it, this, this plan of Severus'. Because he couldn't bear this situation any longer. Whatever it was that was standing between him and Sirius, Regulus could sense it but never name it, he needed to know. Know who Sirius really was.

And face the possibility that everything could be over. That, maybe, Sirius didn't really care about him. That Sirius had remembered that he had actual friends and didn't need an annoying kid brother he was forced to take care of. The picture of Sirius appeared in front of Regulus' mind, his angry expression, his disappointed look, the way he sighed exasperatedly…

It would hurt, sure. But somehow, it would be a relief as well. Things would be over, everything would be back to normal again, kind of. Regulus could stop pretending to be someone he wasn't. He could stop being caught in the middle, he could stop all the lying he had to do to both his friends and Sirius. And he was doing it all for Sirius anyways, pretending still to be a follower of Voldemort, pretending to spy on Sirius. And what was he getting in return for endangering his life? Lectures. Was that worth it if he couldn't even trust his brother?

Who was he anyway? Was he a Slytherin? Was he Sirius' brother? What was real, what not? How could he be Sirius' brother if he wasn't even sure who Sirius really was?

Sirius, smiling at him, during the holidays. Hugging him. _I love you, little brother. Don't ever doubt that._ Sirius, how he had been when they had been children. Regulus had always wanted to be with his big brother, had looked up to him.

He had to smile a bit, at the memory of himself as a small child. Merlin, he had been clingy. But Sirius had put up with it, patiently, had played with him until exhaustion, had read him the same stories over and over, had allowed him to cuddle with him when Regulus had been sad or scared or he'd simply felt like sneaking into his big brother's room in the middle of the night, not wanting to be alone.

But then Sirius had left him. And he hadn't come back, he'd still treat Regulus like he was invisible if it wasn't for their father's death. Everything always led back to that same old wound that was still hurting, causing Regulus to grimace in an almost physical pain. He angrily kicked against a stone, watched it fly high and against the tree's trunk.

Regulus suddenly realized that he stood only a few feet away from the Whomping Willow. He looked up at the tree that stood out darkly against the dark grey sky, looking so incredibly dangerous and swallowed hard before turning around, scanning the area, the meadows and trees nearby. Everything was dark around him, no one was to be seen.

"Sirius?" he croaked, becoming aware of the giant lump created by fear that had built up in his throat.

Nothing. Not even the slightest sound. Instead only this eery silence. Even the tree's branches had stopped moving. But Regulus knew it was just a farce, the tree was only waiting for him to take one more step forwards and then it would smash him into the ground.

 _I'm not that stupid_ , Regulus thought as he unconsciously took a small step backwards, just to be safe.

 _Prod the knot on the base with a stick_ Severus had said. Right! Then the tree wouldn't attack him.

Regulus looked around once more, this time searching the ground next to him. He picked up a stick that would hopefully be long enough and hesitantly took a few small steps forwards, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the tree, searching for the slightest sign of movement, ready to jump back to safety.

As he slowly came nearer to the tree, he squinted his eyes, trying to get better sight. Where was there supposed to be a knot? Without thinking about it, Regulus withdrew his wand. "Lumos," he whispered.

And then he saw it, partially hidden behind a bunch of mushrooms. A knot of roots. A small triumphant smile flashed over Regulus' lips.

The next thing he felt was that he was hit across his back and whipped through the air. Regulus didn't even find time to take a breath as he crashed against another branch. The tree was trying to squash him between the two mighty branches that were encircling him!

"Ascendio," Regulus breathed as he felt the air getting squeezed out of his lungs, lifting his wand that he still held in his hand, firmly.

He felt himself being lifted high up into the air, flying towards the brightly shining moon above him. Then, the magic that had aided his little flight faded and his stomach dropped as he watched the moon veer away from him and disappear behind the bloody tree's branches once more as he fell through a tangle of whip-like branches and stinging twigs. The next moment, Regulus fell on the ground, hard.

He groaned in pain while, for a few moments, his world transformed into a haze of pain and fear. He saw a dark blur approaching him with high speed and rolled around, felt a thick branch slam into the ground a hand's breadth next to him, causing little pieces of dirt to splatter onto Regulus' face.

Then, suddenly, everything went still again and it seemed as if the tree had gotten hit by a stunning spell. Not a leaf twitched or shook. For a moment, Regulus kept still as well, frozen in fear. Why was it stopping? Why wasn't he being killed? Or was he already dead?

Just then, Regulus realized that, with his fingers, he was firmly grasping the knot on the tree's base.

He had done it!

Merlin, he was still alive. Regulus let out a deep breath of relief. Now cut and run! He looked back at the castle that stood up there on the hill, it's stone towers and spires a dark outline against the sky. Safety. He would live. He could forget this stupid idea, he'd done enough after all. This was insane. Severus' _plan_ was insane. He would go back and never go near this bloody tree again. Who had planted it anyways? Somebody had to have been a sadistic psychopath to plant this murderous tree on school's grounds!

Regulus sat up on his knees, moaning at the pain in his back. He was about to get up and away from this tree as he spotted a gap in the bulky roots that presented itself at the tree's trunk, not half a metre away from him. Still, he almost would've missed it as it was hidden by grass that grew high all around it.

Sirius. Was he in there, like Severus had said? How would Sirius have managed to get past that deadly tree? And _why? Why_ would _anyone_ even want to go near that tree? Regulus grimaced. His stupidity was cured at least. He would _never, never, never_ do that again!

But now that he had already managed to get past it, Sirius was so near. Answers to his questions were finally within his reach. And it would all have been in vain, wouldn't it, if he returned to the castle now. And he might never find out, Sirius surely wouldn't tell him the truth if he wasn't confronted directly, the only answer he would get would, once more, be an annoyed lecture about why he shouldn't care about _Snivellus_ anyways, a few stern glares, a "None of your business, I'm your guardian not the other way around" and maybe even a "Drop it or else."

But this wasn't about the prank on Severus anymore. It was about finding out who Sirius really was. And about whether Regulus could trust him or not.

Deciding fast, Regulus crawled into the opening, head-first, sliding down an earthy slope to the bottom of a very low tunnel that presented itself in front of him.

He was, once more, glad for his wand, as he stooped along the narrow tunnel, almost doubling over for the tunnel's ceiling was so long, the light on the tip of his wand being the only thing that illuminated his way.

The longer he followed the tunnel, the more silent everything became around him until the only sounds Regulus heard were his own crunchy steps as he walked across root system and dirt and his own breathing that felt damp in the bilgy air. He wondered how much longer the tunnel would proceed because he felt like he'd been walking for miles. Would this eternal darkness ever end? Regulus noticed the tunnel's ceiling enhancing and after some more metres he could almost stand upright. Hope for the tunnel's end to be near rose up inside of him.

At an indistinct sound, he froze. He listened intently, straining his ears. Then he heard it again, louder this time, like a distorted howl, sounding like nothing Regulus had ever heard before. Sending shivers down his spine, causing his blood to run cold.

Every instinct screamed at him to run, yet Regulus found himself being rooted to the ground, staring into the darkness, fear taking hold of his body like a hand that clamped around his chest and throat, squeezing tightly, making it impossible for him to move.

There it was again, this horrifying howl, sounding very close. The sounds of someone or something running as well, more like something because it didn't sound human as it came closer, it sounded animalistic, like animals dashing along the tunnel. Regulus took a quick step back, feeling his heart leaping to his throat but still being caught in that kind of stupor.

Out of nothing, a shaggy, jet-black dog leapt at Regulus, threw him backwards, making him land ungently on his posterior. The dog let out a deafening bark, taking a mouthful of Regulus' robes and tugged, hard, trying to get him on his feet again. Regulus quickly scrambled away, holding his wand out defensively, a stunning spell on his lips. He wasn't quite sure how well it would work with animals but it would be worth a try.

The dog looked back in the direction where it had come from, growling, baring its teeth. Regulus followed its gaze, tried to identify what else was there lurking in the darkness as low growls and occasional yelps could be heard from somewhere down the tunnel.

Regulus was jolted out of his thoughts as he felt the dog tugging at his robes again, more harshly this time, almost desperate. Regulus flinched, tried to kick the dog away and crawled backwards until his back came in contact with the tunnel's wall.

Those sounds again, they had, obviously, not been coming from the dog, there was something else running towards him. Regulus could only make out a tall, dark shape as it lurched itself at Regulus who barely had time to think or to raise his wand or to even take a hasty breath as it took hold of him with his sharp claws, throwing him against the wall.

Regulus felt the beast's claws slashing his upper arm, cutting deeply into his flesh. He whimpered, swallowing the rest of the pain silently, his voice getting caught in his throat as he caught a glimpse of the beast's head. The most horrifying, nightmarish creature he'd ever seen was only a few centimetres away, it's foul breath hot on Regulus' skin. A werewolf. Regulus closed his eyes, not wanting to see the monster any longer. It was too horrible.

Now it was over. Everything was over. He would die. It was definite, there was no way out, and the only thing Regulus could do was to accept it, hoping it would be quick.

Dying a fool's death.

Maybe that's what he deserved for coming here, for facing this nightmare naively without realizing that he wasn't dreaming. That this was real.

Suddenly, the werewolf was ripped away from Regulus and the boy opened his eyes again, confused, just to see the dog attacking the much larger werewolf, rolling over it, the two animals creating a bundle of dark, dirty fur as they fought in between the tunnel's narrow walls.

Regulus quickly rolled to his side and got onto his knees, crawling a few metres away from the violent fight but not being able to get up and run, there was something keeping him from abandoning the two fighting animals that were growling and barking loudly, the other's hide between their sharp teeth, biting air, ripping big strands of fur out, fighting to death –

A stag appeared out of nothing and pushed itself between the dog and the werewolf, lowering its head and presenting its antlers towards the werewolf, causing the monster to back up a bit, something like fear or at least respect showing in its eyes.

Regulus couldn't comprehend what was happening at all, he tried to wrap his mind around it, why were all these animals here and why were they fighting, why was the dog once more tugging at his robes, dragged him along a few feet until Regulus fought himself free.

And then, the dog started to grow. The dog's arms and legs lengthened and adopted a human form, its fur disappeared and changed into robes and then the figure lifted its shaggy-haired head and a moment later, Regulus met the eyes of his brother.

His own eyes grew as big as saucers and his mouth dropped wide open.

He felt Sirius taking hold of his shoulders and lifting him onto his feet, giving him a hard shake, lips moving, eyes blazing.

"RUN!" A word, reaching Regulus ears, and a few moments later, his mind as well. "RUN!"

Sirius was dragging him along, running himself, and Regulus felt himself obeying mindlessly, running next to his brother, running for his life, the sounds of a wild fight erupting once more behind then and then the sounds of hooves thrashing over the tunnel's dirty floor.

"FASTER, FASTER, RUN," Sirius shouted, his voice hoarse and cracking, and Regulus ran as fast as he could, next to his brother, breathing hard, his heart in his mouth and his pulse hammering inside of his ears as they sprinted towards the tunnel's end, bent almost double, a patch of bluish moonlight leading their way until they finally reached it, climbed out of the hole, Regulus first and Sirius following directly after him, leaping at the knot next to him and then the stag spurted past them and Sirius released the knot again, taking hold of Regulus' wrist and ran, ran, ran…

The werewolf's howls could be heard long until they reached the castle's walls, sounding far away by now, but Regulus was sure that they were the eeriest thing Regulus had ever heard. The stag changed as well and James appeared in its place, breathing hard, clutching his right shoulder where blood was soaking his robes. Sirius didn't look much better, he had scratches and bruises all over his face and his lip was bleeding.

"You okay, Prongs?" Sirius asked, his voice raspy.

James shot him a half-hearted smile. "Could be better but I guess I'll live," he responded dryly. Then, he turned his head and looked at Regulus, the expression in his eyes a mixture of pain, anger and extreme exhaustion.

Now, Sirius turned around as well, slowly lifting his eyes. Regulus swallowed hard, quickly dropping his gaze. "Regulus?"

Regulus thought he was going to be sick.

"Are you okay, Regulus?" Sirius' voice, louder this time.

Regulus shook his head before he felt his knees weaken and he let himself drop to the ground, kneeling. His stomach contracted violently and he heaved, the contents of his stomach spreading out on the ground in front of him. He felt strong arms enveloping his shoulders from behind him, lifting his upper body a bit up, and a cool hand on his forehead, keeping his head that had grown way too heavy for his shoulders from dropping onto his chest and his hair out of his face as Regulus retched again, dryly by now.

Hot tears found their way into his eyes and he tried to pull out of Sirius' hold, he didn't deserve this act of kindness, he felt so disgusted with himself, so awfully embarrassed of how helpless and weak he was.

Sirius didn't speak but he didn't move either, holding Regulus up determinedly, resisting against the boy's soft attempts to pull away.

"We need to go to the hospital wing, Padfoot," James said from above them after a while.

Sirius nodded. "Can you walk, Reg?"

Regulus had stopped retching and was limply leaning against his big brother.

"Reg? Can you walk or do we need to carry you?"

Regulus weakly shook his head. "Walk," he murmured stubbornly even though he wanted to say _just leave me here_. His whole world was still spinning, everything a blur of dark colours. He tried to take a step but failed miserably, feeling the hold around his shoulders tightening.

"Help me, James," Sirius said, and a second later James was next to them, crouched down and placed one of Regulus' arms over his shoulder while Sirius did the same with Regulus' other arm.

The youngest boy let out a small groan as both older boys stood up, lifting him up with them.

Slowly, they found their way into the castle, up the stairs, and to the hospital wing.

They were lying in three lined up hospital beds, Sirius in the middle, James and Regulus to his sides. Madam Pomfrey had decided that they all had to stay over the night, had given them some potions against the pain and had healed the worst of their wounds. Regulus had been silent almost the entire time, only answering when Madam Pomfrey had asked him direct questions.

Sirius had, as soon as Madam Pomfrey had healed his cuts and scratches, gotten himself a chair and placed it next to his brother's bed and was sitting there mostly quiet, observing Regulus as the younger boy lay on his back in his bed, his eyes firmly closed yet tears were streaming down his cheeks relentlessly.

Madam Pomfrey ordered him back into his bed after she had patched up James as well and was about to extinguish the lights. Sirius obeyed but after the nurse had left Sirius resumed his position, keeping watch over his little brother. After some time, Regulus turned his head away from Sirius, wanting to escape the feeling of guilt, not wanting to meet those eyes and know that he only would find disappointment and pain in their expression.

That night, Regulus woke up frequently, covered in cold sweat, breathing heavily. But there was always instantly a gentle hand stroking his forehead and caressing his hair in circular moves, lulling him to sleep again.

At some point during the night, Peter appeared, having sneaked into the hospital wing somehow.

"Remus is okay," he whispered.

Sirius released the breath he hadn't noticed he'd held in. "Thank Merlin, I was afraid that I hurt him during our fight," he confessed softly.

Peter shook his head. "He really is okay. He's just shaken." He cast a look at Regulus who was sleeping on his bed. "What happened, Padfoot?"

"Yeah, I'd like to know that as well," came the remark from James' bed.

Sirius looked at his sleeping baby brother again. He shook his head, slowly. "I don't know. I'm sorry."

" _You_ don't have to apologize, Sirius. The little shithead better had a good explanation for this because he risked _all_ our lives out there, not just his own," James said angrily.

Sirius didn't take his eyes off his little brother's sleeping face. "It's not going to happen again, I swear."

" _What_ happened anyway? Have you told him?!"

Sirius turned towards his best friend, shaking his head. "No, I wouldn't do that. And I don't know why he was there." He turned back to his brother, studying the cuts and bruises on his little brother's arms. Feeling like he was caught in a nightmare. "But I'm going to find out."

As Regulus woke up the next day, he opened his eyes for a second but closed them again after realizing where he was. _No. Please let this be a bad dream._ But the sun was shining brightly on his face, sunbeams were caressing his skin in warm strokes, determined for him to open his eyes again and acknowledge reality. _See what you've done. This is real. It wasn't a nightmare. This is your work._

After a few more moments caught in between hope and despair, Regulus opened his eyes.

Yesterday night's events came back to his mind, horrifying memories, and then he noticed the wrapped bandages around his right upper arm and the dull, deep ache beneath it.

His gaze drifted over the other beds, James was lying two beds away from Regulus, awake too, bandages around his arms and shoulders as well as a wrapping around his head.

The older boy seemed to notice Regulus' gaze on him because he turned and met the younger boy's eyes. For a moment, neither of them spoke.

"Morning," James mumbled, even though it wasn't even morning anymore as the ancient clock on above the door told them that it was already past noon.

Regulus swallowed hard. "Where's Sirius," he pressed out, fighting against the upcoming wave of panic that threatened to take hold of him. Hadn't Sirius been with them last night? Or had Regulus only imagined it? Was Sirius worse injured than he remembered? Why wasn't he here, with them?

"He's already gotten released," James said. "Probably's catching up sleep in Gryffindor tower or is looking after Remus… cleaning up your mess, as usual."

Regulus' breath caught in his throat. "B-but he's a were-"

"So what, it's not his fault," James interrupted him swiftly. "None of this would've happened if you hadn't pulled that little stunt of yours – have you taken leave of your senses?!"

Regulus didn't respond. Even though he would've liked to yell at James, he couldn't. James had rescued him last night, after all.

James shook his head at the younger boy. "I hope Sirius straightens you out good," he murmured.

Regulus' head whipped around. "What?!"

James cast him a dark look. "You heard me."

"Sure, I'm not allowed to do what _you_ do all the time - there's no need to _straighten me out_ , if anything, you should be grateful if I keep silent about the werewolf and your little transformation secret," Regulus hissed, every feeling of gratitude forgotten.

Loud footsteps echoed from the ancient walls and Regulus turned around again just in time to see Sirius speeding towards him, a murderous expression on his pale face.

Regulus had no time to even open his mouth as he was forcefully turned around and onto his stomach, the blanket was whipped away simultaneously.

A second later, a fiery smack landed on his backside, and another, and another. Regulus winced from the intensity of the smacks, squinching his eyes shut tightly, biting his tongue. The thin pyjama bottoms he wore offered barely any protection against the almost violent spanks.

A few more smacks landed, hard ones, all in the same place, setting his bum on fire quickly. By the seventh or so smack, Regulus couldn't keep silent anymore. "Ow-ow!" He tried to reach back to cover his backside and protect himself from further onslaught.

Sirius kept deadly silent as he took a firm hold of his brother's hand and pinned it to his side, landing another smack, this time, forcing a yelp and tears out of his younger brother who had buried his face in his pillow, mortified of what was taking place.

Then, Sirius leaned near his brother, pressing a hand on his back to keep him from moving. "How dare you speak to James like that," he hissed, his voice low and dangerous. "APOLOGIZE! AT ONCE!" he bellowed, landing another smack, and Regulus flinched, starting to cry in earnest.

"I'm sorry!"

"To WHOM are you apologizing?" Sirius' voice, harsh, his grip on his brother hardening, holding Regulus down firmly.

"James! I'm sorry James!"

"And who else?"

"YOU! I'm s-sorry…"

"For what?"

"F-for saying what I s-said!"

James shifted uncomfortably on his bed, staring at Sirius and Regulus with wide eyes, never having seen his best friend so angry, ever.

"It's okay," he breathed, wanting this to stop even though just a few moments earlier, he had said he wanted Sirius to _straighten his brother out_ , but now he only felt extremely embarrassed for Regulus. It was one thing saying it but a whole other thing seeing it happen. "Sirius… just let go of him, okay?"

Sirius looked down at his sobbing little brother. He felt his hand stinging awfully all of a sudden, not having noticed it in his rage. He pressed his lips to a thin line as he removed his hands from his brother's back, taking a small step backwards, bumping against the chair he'd sat in during the last night.

 _Oh shit._ He'd just smacked Regulus in anger, had yelled at him, had lost his temper with him. As Sirius turned around, he met the shocked gaze of his best friend, his little brother's hitched breathing being the only sound that filled the large room.

James looked at the crying boy and felt sympathy tug at his heartstrings. Maybe Regulus had deserved those smacks and he definitely deserved more punishment for what he'd done last night yet here was definitely not the place for that. But Sirius couldn't leave his brother like this, could he?

Sirius noticed his best friend's sympathy-filled look and turned to Regulus again, grimacing. If he only had a time turner right now and could simply erase the last five minutes. Or the entire previous night.

Sighing, Sirius approached Regulus' bed again, sat down on the mattress, noticing his little brother shifting away slightly while keeping his face hidden in the pillows.

"Reg?" Sirius reached out and gently touched Regulus' forearm but the boy immediately flinched away, burying his face even deeper in the pillows. Sirius got once more aware of the stinging pain in his hand which only fed his feeling of guilt. "Reggie, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper."

"Leave me alone!"

At that, Sirius felt an icy hand wrap its fingers around his heart. There was only so much he could take from his brother and he was at his limit. It was enough. "I'm sorry for yelling," he continued, his voice a lot colder than previously. "But it's not as if you haven't deserved that smacking for talking shit like that." He turned away, ignoring James' confused looks. "And Regulus… you so much as mutter a word about Remus to _anyone_ and I promise you, the two of us are going to have real problems. Am I making myself crystal clear?" Sirius said sharply.

"Yes," came the soft answer from Regulus' direction, voice thick with tears.

"Good." Sirius pulled the covers back up, tucking them tightly around his brother. "Now sleep. You need it. Madam Pomfrey said you'll get out of here tomorrow at the earliest."

Regulus turned his tear-streaked face and looked at his big brother. "But I already slept the entire morning and –"

"Hush now. I don't want to hear another word." Sirius' voice made clear that he wouldn't argue with him, his expression was unreadable.

Regulus turned away again, feeling his bottom lip quiver. As he felt the ghost of a hand carding its fingers through his hair, his tears rose even more. Nothing had been true, even this wasn't. Sirius had lied to him. _Go leave me already. It's who you are, it's what you're going to do._

TBC...

A/N: Hey there, you probably can't hear it anymore but I'm sorry for taking so long. The next update will be sooner, I promise. Or maybe I shouldn't;) But I'm in the UK right now, travelling, and after visiting all those Harry Potter related places in London today I feel like I only want to write and write and write;) Thanks so much for all the kind reviews! To the guest reviewer who wrote "Resist Moony, resist!" – You made me laugh so hard! And to all the others of you whom I can't respond to personally, thank you as well, so much!


	24. Monopoly on Truth

Unlike what Regulus had expected, he slept until dinner. Madam Pomfrey came and woke him up as she placed a tray with dinner and potions on his bedside table.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Black?"

Regulus blinked a few times. "Okay… better," he said even though he felt a bit groggy.

"It's good you've slept for a bit. Does your arm still hurt? Tingle? Do you feel nauseous?" she asked as she pulled his covers a bit back so he could sit up.

Regulus shook his head. "Doesn't hurt, it just feels a bit stiff."

Madam Pomfrey seemed to have expected that. "Let me take a look at it," she said as she skilfully unwrapped the bandages that were covering Regulus' biceps. His arm looked almost normal again aside from a three thin red lines. "Ah, it looks pretty good," Madam Pomfrey said before gently applying a salve on the lines that was causing warm shivers to run through Regulus' arm.

"Will these become scars?" Regulus was a bit astounded that the wounds were still visible, when he'd had a scratch or cut before a few healing spells or simply a few drops of dittany essence had always done the job quite nicely. "Why are they still red?"

"These are cursed wounds, Mr. Black." Madam Pomfrey's lips thinned a bit. "You are lucky to have only these, it could be a lot worse."

Regulus looked up and into her eyes at that, searching her expression for any clue about how much she knew. She returned his gaze for a moment, then focused on Regulus' arm once more, wrapping fresh bandages around it. "Keep your arm still, move it as little as possible. If everything heals well, the cuts will only leave faint scars, barely visible to the eye, only exceptional in their feature of tingling or itching a bit during a full moon." She motioned for him to sit up straighter

"Let me take a look at the back of your head. You've had quite a nasty bump there. Did you still feel a bit dizzy today after lunchtime at some point?"

"No, I've been fine," Regulus responded as he kept his head still for her to examine. He'd slept most of the time anyway.

Madam Pomfrey nodded to herself. "It looks fine to me too. Still, I'm keeping you here tonight, to be sure."

Regulus frowned. "I'd rather go back down to the dungeons…"

But Madam Pomfrey wouldn't change her mind. "A bit more rest will do you some good. You have suffered quite the shock last night."

Just now, Regulus looked around the room. Sirius wasn't there anymore and Regulus was glad for it. Right now, he felt like he'd rather never see him again. Or maybe he'd just never speak to him again, ever. That would serve him right. The bed James had stayed in was empty too, Regulus had expected at least James to stay a bit longer and felt strangely embarrassed. James and Sirius had fought way longer against the werewolf and neither of them had reacted like he had, neither of them had cried like a pathetic child or had to stay in the hospital wing forever. Not that Regulus wanted them to, though, he was relieved that James was gone.

Regulus looked at the dinner Madam Pomfrey had placed on his bedside table. He didn't feel hungry at all so he only took a sip of the pumpkin juice and a few bites from the biscuits that were part of his dessert.

After some time, Regulus heard footsteps again. He sat up a bit straighter, hoping that it would only be Madam Pomfrey again. It wasn't, of course, not with his luck.

It wasn't Sirius, though. Professor Dumbledore entered the hospital wing, a small smile appearing on his face as soon as he met Regulus' surprised gaze.

"Good evening Mr. Black," Dumbledore smiled lightly as he stopped at the end of Regulus' bed. The boy shifted around a bit, nervously.

"Good evening Professor," he responded in a low voice.

"I heard you've been in a bit of trouble," Professor Dumbledore said, "causing a bit of a tumult out there at the Shrieking Shack."

Regulus' eyes widened. _So that's where the tunnel leads to. My guess was either the Shrieking Shack or Hogsmeade._ "I wasn't aware that there would be a werewolf," he exclaimed, maybe louder than he intended to.

Dumbledore nodded. If he knew that Regulus had lied, he didn't show it. "I didn't imply that you were. I talked to your brother, Sirius. He cares very much about you."

Regulus continued looking at the headmaster. What did Professor Dumbledore want from him? "So… you know what happened?"

"I know what Sirius and Madam Pomfrey told me, still, I would like to hear things from your point of view as well before passing judgement."

Regulus shrugged. "I went down to the Whomping Willow because I wanted to meet Sirius. I heard that he'd be there –"

"Who told you he would be there, at midnight, well after curfew and at a full moon after all? Sirius told me that he was quite surprised to meet you there."

Regulus averted his eyes. "I heard some rumours."

Dumbledore's eyes lost the twinkle. "Are you quite sure of that?"

Regulus forced himself to refrain from chewing on his bottom lip. He could sense that Dumbledore knew he was lying. But even though Severus had set him up, he wouldn't rat him out. You didn't do that, ratting housemates out. Slytherins stuck together. "I am sure. I think I overheard Penny Mitchell say something out her having seen Sirius sneaking out… or was it her dark-haired friend, how's her name again?" Regulus shrugged in an indifferent way. "Might've been someone else too, it's already been a few weeks."

For a brief moment, Regulus looked up and into Professor Dumbledore's eyes, saw them resting upon him, observing him. He forced himself to return the headmaster's gaze for two seconds until he looked back at his hands, playing with the rim of his blanket.

"Your brother told me that he would take full responsibility for this," Dumbledore said slowly. "When I talked to him earlier, he assured me that something like this would not happen again." The headmaster paused for a moment, giving Regulus the chance to say something. "But his words sound familiar, such a promise had been made before. So can _you_ give me your word as well that yesterday night's events won't repeat themselves?"

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "I'm not that stupid to go down there again," he said, a bit rudely.

Dumbledore ignored it. "Then the only matter that is left is you promising me that you will not talk to anyone about what happened. Can you do that?"

Regulus nodded. "But you know that Remus Lupin is a –"

"I do know, Mr. Black, and I have great regard for Mr. Lupin. He is a remarkable young man and it would be a blatant injustice to judge him for something that was not his fault. You see, Mr. Lupin was bitten as a young boy by a werewolf named Fenrir Greyback, a follower of the one who I once knew under the name of Tom Riddle, to you though he is most likely known under the name he has given himself a few years ago, Lord Voldemort." Dumbledore ignored Regulus' flinching at the name. "This man wilfully condemned a child to a life subjected to discrimination, the physical and mental pain of the monthly transformation and of course, utter loneliness. Remus Lupin himself has no fault on his condition whatsoever." Dumbledore approached Regulus' bed a few steps, pointedly eyeing his bandaged arm. "Had any of you been bitten yesterday, you would have suffered the same condition as Mr. Lupin only that it would have been your fault, Mr. Black."

Regulus looked away, feeling a lump building in his throat. He hadn't thought about that yet. Things could be way worse, he could have been bitten. Sirius could have been bitten. Or killed.

A cold hand seemed to wrap its fingers around his stomach, squeezing, hard.

"And yet your brother offered to take responsibility for your doings, he offered to take your punishment himself, another week of expulsion added to his own and two weeks of expulsion are not something that should be taken lightly in the seventh year…"

Regulus' head shot up at this and he experienced a sudden surge of protectiveness. "What?! You cannot expel him – he only saved me, it wasn't his fault!"

Dumbledore nodded. "Your brother convinced me to be lenient this time, arguing that this was much more a family problem than a school matter. So the both of you will return to your home tomorrow after you've gotten released from here and return on Monday. I expect you to sort your differences out until then. After that, all of you will serve a month's worth of detention." Dumbledore sounded very serious as he said that, causing Regulus to lower his head. "You can consider yourself very fortunate to have a brother like Sirius. Do not underestimate the value of the people who love you unconditionally, never take it for granted. I promise you that it would cause you a great deal of grief and regret should you hurt the ones that love you the most by turning your back on them." A shadow darkened the headmaster's face for a short moment, causing Regulus to wonder what must've happened that made the headmaster look… almost sad all of a sudden.

Still, it was strange that Dumbledore seemed to care. He never had spoken to Regulus in person before, had barely ever acknowledged him. Among Slytherins, Dumbledore was seen in a very critical way, but what else could you do as a student on the less-favoured side, you were forced to see behind the myth of a man and were forced to detect an aged Gryffindor. Because that's what he was, and that's why he seemed to care about Regulus all of a sudden – because Sirius was in Gryffindor and James and Remus as well. And he was only not expelling Regulus for two weeks because Sirius was one of his favourite students and he had begged him not to. It had nothing to do with Dumbledore liking Regulus whatsoever.

Regulus looked away, a faint line appearing between his eyebrows. This system of injustice was so omnipresent, overshadowing everything. And as always, he, the Slytherin, was the one who caused the problem.

"I'm not the one who's turning my back on my family," Regulus pressed out, thoughtlessly, not actually having had the intention of telling the headmaster anything at all concerning his relationship to his brother but why was it always him getting accused of this?

Dumbledore studied him for another moment, silently, before nodding. "Forgive me. It might be the habit of an old man, but I was only recalling a lesson life taught me the hard way and hoping, in a way, that my experience might keep others from making the same mistakes."

Regulus looked up and into his eyes, curious. But the headmaster only smiled a bit sadly. "So can I trust you not to tell anyone about Mr. Lupin's condition?"

"Yes, sir." And Regulus meant it. Even though the encounter with the werewolf had been the most horrifying thing he'd ever lived through in his life (except for meeting Voldemort, maybe, but that had been a different kind of horror), of all of Sirius' friends he liked Remus the most and wouldn't want for him to be subjected to hate and discrimination. And he had promised the same thing to Sirius anyway, earlier. There was nothing to gain for him by exposing Remus.

Dumbledore's eyes regained their warm shimmer. "I am very relieved to hear that."

Some time later, Regulus was just studying the fine grains of dust that whirled up each time he lifted his hand, illuminated by the evening sunlight that painted the hospital wing in a soft orange gleam, Barty rounded the corner, worry on his face that changed quickly to a wide grin as soon as he saw Regulus.

"Hi mate," he greeted Regulus.

Regulus forced a smile. "Hi. Sorry for not telling you as soon as I got back but… things went a bit different than I expected them to."

Barty looked at him, took his friend in. "You still look pretty beat."

Regulus shrugged. "Could be better but I guess I deserved it for trusting Severus."

Barty furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened?"

"The Whomping Willow happened."

Barty shook his head. "You idiot! You really went near it? Why?"

"Cause… you're right, I'm an idiot."

"And what was the reason of letting yourself get beaten up by a tree? I thought you were trying to get back at Black – your brother," Barty asked, furrowing his forehead a bit. At Hogwarts, students who were not close friends referred to each other by their last names and in Slytherin, Regulus was commonly known as _Black_. So speaking to Regulus about _Black_ was simply strange.

Regulus shrugged. "I guess hurting me was the payback. Tell Severus my best wishes and that I'll kick his arse the next time I see him!"

"Huh," Barty simply said as he let himself fall into the chair that still stood next to Regulus' bed. He scratched his head absentmindedly. He looked at Regulus again, then, slowly, anger manifested itself on his features. "What an arse! The goal was to hurt Black, not you!"

Regulus shrugged again. "I'm not sure anymore what my goal was anyway… it seems like from every perspective you look at it, I'm the one who lost the most."

"You should've let me come with you."

"No." That was probably the only right choice Regulus had made that night. "It was good you weren't there. Things might've gotten really ugly otherwise."

"But we would've been together at least. That's what friends are there for, right?"

Regulus smiled a bit. "Yeah." At least he still had Barty.

When Sirius returned to the hospital wing that evening, shortly before curfew, Regulus was sitting on his bed in his pyjamas, his legs crossed, a book in his lap. Sirius felt slightly awkward as he approached his little brother, clearing his throat as he sat down on the chair that still stood next to Regulus bed.

Regulus didn't say anything, pretending to read, ignoring Sirius' presence even though Sirius caught his little brother's gaze flicking into his direction for the split of a second.

"What are you reading?" Sirius' voice felt unnatural in his throat made this pathetic attempt for small-talk, skipping any greetings. He knew Regulus was still angry because of the smacking he'd gotten earlier that day, he had sensed it as soon as he'd entered the room.

Regulus held the book's cover up for a second but it was too fast for Sirius to see. Then he resumed his position, the lamp on the bedside table painting his features in expressive shadows, underlining every ever so small movement, the slight downwards-twitch of the corners of Regulus' mouth, Sirius wouldn't have been able to see it without the one-sided lighting.

"So are we not talking now?"

No reaction, only that pointedly blank expression.

Silence hung in the air, poisonous in its nothingness for it only fuelled the tension between the two. It stretched thinner and thinner, expanding to the bursting point like a balloon blown up too big, begging for someone to rupture it.

"We're going home tomorrow," Sirius stated firmly. Home. The place where everything had been good. The place where they could manage everything.

Regulus' head shot up at that and he seemed to forget that he originally had wanted to ignore Sirius. "Home?"

Sirius nodded, glad that Regulus had at least said something. "After you've gotten released from here, you'll collect your stuff and then we'll apparate home." _And hopefully, everything will get better from there on._

Regulus lowered his head again, absentmindedly tugging at his bandages, playing with the by now loosened ends.

"How's your arm?"

"Okay," was the short answer. Then silence again.

Sirius leaned back in his chair, getting a bit more comfortable. Even though he disliked the tense silence that stood in between them, Sirius didn't know how to change that right now, he wasn't even sure if he even wanted to. He knew it wasn't the time to have the _real_ talk but somehow, being near Regulus, it calmed him down. He had gotten so close to losing his little brother. He felt his facial features harden every single time he thought about it, trying to work against the plunging sensation that entered his stomach at the memory of his little brother in Remus' grip.

"So… which home?" Regulus' soft voice made Sirius look up again.

Sirius was confused for a moment until he grasped the meaning of Regulus' question.

"The cottage," he clarified, finding it difficult to swallow. The thought that Regulus would still consider Grimmauld Place their home hadn't occurred to him.

"Oh." Regulus' face fell. He stared at his book again but Sirius knew he wasn't reading with the way his eyes were staring at the pages, blankly.

"Are we going back to our real home as well at some point?"

That question startled Sirius. _Real home?!_

"You mean … Grimmauld Place?" _Please say no. Please don't tell me that that's your REAL home._

Regulus cast him a strange look. "Of course, what else?"

A feeling of betrayal unfurled in Sirius' insides. _Why is that place still your home? You still consider them your family, would choose them over me, wouldn't you?_

"We're not going back there," Sirius responded, forcing the words out of his throat. Why was Regulus asking this of him? His brother knew what that place represented for him. He knew that it was Sirius' personal hell.

"You said we are going home so that's where I go or nowhere." Regulus crossed his arms in front of his chest, a challenging undertone in his voice.

Sirius swallowed hard. He couldn't deal with that as well. "What?" Was this some way of Regulus trying to punish him for something? "You're not going back there!"

"Why not?"

Sirius was getting angry now. Was Regulus trying to bring up bad memories on purpose? Didn't they have more important things to discuss? "You know exactly why! I hate that fucking house, I want to have nothing to do with it. And you know it, so why are you asking me about… returning? I'm never going back there!" His voice had risen towards the end.

"But I am. You can stay somewhere else then."

"Things are not working that way, Regulus. We _both_ are returning to the cottage tomorrow, _together_. This is not meant to be a holiday, we need this to talk about what happened. I'm done discussing this now."

Regulus huffed, averting his gaze.

Sirius looked away too, needing to steer his thoughts away from Grimmauld Place, their parents, and their childhood. He had enough to deal with right now. His gaze fell onto the tray on Regulus' bedside table, the food on it was as good as untouched.

"Why haven't you eaten your dinner?"

Regulus looked up for a second. He shrugged indifferently. "Not hungry."

Sirius felt his eyebrows getting tugged towards each other by an invisible force. " _Not hungry?_ " he repeated. Shaking his head, he reached out and took the book from Regulus' lap, throwing it to the bed's end, ignoring the boy's indignant look and outcry "Hey –". Then he took hold of the tray and placed it next to his brother. "Eat," was the single command. He wouldn't allow Regulus to starve himself just out of defiance.

Regulus looked at him, mouth open. "But I'm not hungry," he insisted as if Sirius hadn't understood the meaning behind those words.

"I heard you the first time. And I don't care in the least. Now, pick up your spoon and _eat_." Sirius' voice sharpened towards the end.

"But it's cold!"

"Then you should've eaten it when it was still warm." Sirius didn't feel sympathy for his brother at all, especially not when Regulus crossed his arms and glared at him. "Damn it, Reg, eat the porridge! You're not a toddler I have to spoonfeed, are you?"

Regulus cast him a bewildered look. "No, but… it's _cold!_ " Regulus had never liked food that had gotten cold, as long as Sirius could remember. Even when you hadn't told Regulus that the cold food he'd been served had once been warmer – maybe Regulus could taste it in some way, but somehow he'd always known. And he'd never liked it.

"It's your own fault. Now eat it, I won't say it again!" Sirius' voice had gotten dangerously low.

Regulus hesitated for another moment, then, finally, picked up the spoon and tried the porridge. Sirius watched him grimacing but remained adamant. "Don't make such a fuss. You know you've got to eat, you're not stupid after all. You need to get well again." The way Regulus screwed up his face and pretended not being able to swallow the porridge down, it made Sirius even angrier. Regulus made a show as if it was pure torture to eat a cold meal.

"But it's disgusting," Regulus whined.

Sirius closed his eyes for a second, trying to keep his calm. First the arguing about returning home, now this. As if they didn't have way bigger problems. As if there weren't enough topics to fight about, but no, Regulus needed to act up on top of it, arguing about insignificant things. "You simply can't do as you're told, can you, Regulus? I tell you to do something and you immediately oppose me, it doesn't even matter what it is."

"I should have a say as well about things! You always decide everything over my head and I'm supposed to stand by and be silent. But I won't, this is bullshit!" Regulus angrily shoved the tray away, causing the cup still half-filled with pumpkin juice to topple over and spill the juice all over the tray and then proceeded to drip onto the sheets.

For a few seconds, neither of them spoke. Sirius met his brother's shocked eyes, clearly, Regulus hadn't expected to cause such a mess with his little temper tantrum.

"You're really asking for it today, aren't you?" Sirius said through gritted teeth as he got up, withdrew his wand and cleaned the spilled over juice up with a quick flick, leaving only slightly coloured patches on Regulus' once white sheets.

Regulus didn't respond, he simply sat stone-still on his bed, grey eyes wide.

"Do you need a second spanking today? Because, believe me, we've still got more than enough to cover when we get home tomorrow. So do you think it's necessary to add up to that or can you behave yourself, just once?" Sirius towered over Regulus, watched him pale a bit, then, quickly nod his head.

"Behave," Regulus croaked.

Sirius studied his brother for another moment. Regulus looked so much like a small child again when he looked at him like that, his eyes wide, glistening, on the verge of tears. How the simple threat of a spanking could bring out an entirely different version of his brother. Sirius only wished he wouldn't have to resort to threats to make Regulus mind him. He sighed, sitting down again.

He noticed Regulus shifting away, not saying a word, still staring at him.

"Eat your dinner," Sirius said again, tiredly this time. Feeling the distance between them, the distrust. The way it was now, it should never have been.

Regulus turned to the tray again, carefully tugging it towards himself, bottom lip trembling. Then he forced himself to take a few spoonful of the cold porridge, grimacing again but not in that fake way.

Regulus kept his head lowered as ate some more but then put his bowl down again, placing it back on the tray with shaky hands. "I really don't like it, Sirius," he whispered, his face hidden behind a curtain of black, silky hair. "P-please…"

"Oh for Merlin's sake," Sirius said exasperatedly, grabbing the bowl and waving his wand over it, casting a heating spell. "There. Anything else? Cream and a cherry on top?" He asked sarcastically but in reality, he felt a bit bad that he had wanted to force his brother to eat his food cold in the first place. It wasn't like it helped any if Regulus didn't like it nor did he like seeing his brother _suffer_ through his dinner. Even though Reg might've deserved it.

"Thanks," Regulus whispered. Then he ate the rest of his porridge without any complaint.

As Regulus was finished and put the empty bowl back on the tray, Sirius noticed that of all the things, Regulus had at least already eaten his dessert. "Are you full? Or still hungry?"

Regulus shrugged. "I'm fine."

"Want something to drink?" Regulus had spilled his pumpkin juice after all and Sirius didn't like the thought of him going to bed thirsty.

Regulus shrugged again.

"A proper answer would be nice." That sounded harsher than Sirius had intended it to.

"Yes," Regulus mumbled meekly, peeping at Sirius.

Sirius got up to get Regulus a glass of water. "There you go."

"Thanks," Regulus said again.

Sirius sat down again, staring at his hands, not knowing what else to say.

"Can't I please simply visit Grimmauld Place? I just want to speak to Mother, her portrait," Regulus said after a while in a small voice.

"It's not Mother, Reg. It's only a portrait." Sirius felt another lump building in his throat.

"I know but… I've got some questions for her. May I, please?"

Sirius swallowed hard. "No." Now, with Regulus so estranged from him, he didn't want him near that woman and was it only her portrait. And anyway, should she somehow have gained knowledge about Regulus being with him now… Regulus should not see her reaction to that. He didn't deserve to be called a traitor, or worse. Sirius was used to it but he didn't want it for his little brother.

"But Sirius –"

"I'm done talking about that, Regulus. Maybe someday but not now."

"So I can't even talk to my own Mother?" Regulus said, challenging him.

"No, you can't, because she's dead, Regulus. That portrait's not her. So _no_ , you _can't_ talk to her." Sirius' tone had gotten deadly serious. He knew he was being harsh with Reg but he couldn't help but feel jealous that Regulus obviously wanted to talk to her so badly but never talked to him. "You know what's strange, Reg? That all of a sudden, you bring up so many things, Grimmauld Place here, cold dinner there, Mother – you do everything so you can avoid talking to me about what really matters. And I'm done playing games here." He leaned forwards, reaching out and, before Regulus could flinch away, had his brother's chin cupped with his hand, tilting his head upwards, forcing Regulus to look at him.

"Look at me, and listen. The two of us are going to work things out and you _will_ be honest to me about what's really the problem here. No, don't cast me that look – I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I know there's been something wrong since weeks, since we came to Hogwarts, actually."

Regulus huffed, trying to pull his head away but Sirius raised his other hand as well, putting a palm on each side of Regulus' face, trapping his little brother's head. "What is it?" He asked, his voice raw. "You're avoiding me. Why?"

Regulus blinked, his eyes trying to avoid Sirius' but eventually he gave in and responded to his brother's imploring gaze. He wouldn't answer, though, only bit his lip in response, hard.

Sirius noticed. "Stop that, you're only going to hurt yourself." He spread out his thumb and inadvertently caressed his brother's cheek. Suddenly, he felt such a strong surge of tenderness towards his brother.

"How are we going to make this good again, Reggie?"

Regulus stopped biting on his lip, instead, his bottom lip began to tremble.

Sirius leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Regulus' as if trying to get into his mind, trying to read his thoughts. "Please talk to me. Please just tell me what's wrong."

Regulus' eyes started to fill up with tears and suddenly there was this irresistible force that urged Sirius to take Regulus into his arms, to hold him tightly. His arms felt so achingly empty, not having been able to give his brother a real hug for weeks. "I know you maybe think I'll get mad again but I promise, if you are just honest with me, I'll listen, you really can tell me… I think this has only been the tip of the dungheap, hasn't it? That you went to the Whomping Willow and into the tunnel beneath it?"

Regulus sniffed. "Yes…"

Sirius felt a spark of hope. "Yes. And I don't know what it is that's been standing in between us but I know we can fix it if you only let me. If you'll only talk to me. Then we'll make this work, okay?"

Regulus shook his head, tears spilling out of his eyes, running down his cheeks. "I'm not s-sure we can."

Sirius pulled away to be able to look into his brother's eyes. "What? Of course we can," he said firmly. "I promise you that everything will turn out just fine." With that, Sirius pulled Regulus into his arms. His little brother tensed up a bit but eventually Regulus put his slender arms around Sirius, firmly holding onto the back of his shirt, hiding his face in Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius pressed his face into his brother's soft hair, inhaling his scent. Regulus had always smelled like cinnamon and candles, and a bit like warm summer rain. But at the foremost, his brother smelled like home to him. So much like home, tenderness, love. He closed his eyes, relishing in this moment. For a short amount of time, everything seemed fine again, manageable. And yet the way Regulus clang at him, in an almost desperate way, it worried Sirius. What could be so bad? Yes, they hadn't gotten along so well and yes, Reg was in a shitload of trouble and would most likely get the mother of all spankings but… aside from that, what was it that seemed to weigh so heavy on Regulus' shoulders? What made him shake like that, crying as if he'd just lost his best friend? Maybe Regulus thought Sirius wouldn't forgive him for what he'd done?

"I love you very, very much, Reggie," Sirius mumbled. "Doesn't matter what happened." He paused for a moment, rethinking. "Well, not that it doesn't matter that you went down there – you're still in a lot of trouble. But it doesn't change the fact that I love you, and always will. Okay?"

"I missed you," Regulus whispered against his shoulder.

 _Missed me?_ "What do you mean?"

Regulus didn't answer, just snuggled a bit more into Sirius' shoulder. Sirius proceeded to caress his hair until Regulus' arms slackened a bit which he took as a sign that it was time to pull away. "It's almost curfew, I need to get back," he mumbled. "And you should go to sleep."

"I already slept last night and the entire day," Regulus protested. "I'm not tired anymore!"

Sirius sighed. _Here we go again._ Regulus could change so quickly, from being meek to being defiant. But it wasn't like he could check whether Reg really slept or not, so he decided to give in this time. "Then simply rest. You might not notice it but _I_ see the bags under your eyes. You don't look good yet."

"Neither do you."

Sirius looked away, a bit embarrassed that his exhaustion was so obvious. "That's why I'm going to sleep now too." _If I only could sleep._

Regulus bit his lip as if not sure whether he should continue being defiant or should just give in. Sirius decided to speak first, he didn't want another fight tonight. "If you can't sleep, you can start thinking about the reasons you went to the Whomping Willow. I want an explanation tomorrow, no more excuses or ignoring me. Clear?" That sounded sterner than Sirius had intended.

"Yes," Regulus mumbled, a bit unwillingly.

The next morning arrived way too soon for Regulus' liking. Shortly after he'd gotten up, Sirius had been there and had accompanied him out of the hospital wing and down to the dungeons. Regulus was glad that everyone else had classes so they didn't meet anyone in the corridors nor did he have to explain why Sirius waited in front of the Slytherin common room for him to reappear with the stuff he needed for the weekend. Still, as they walked out of the castle, Regulus wore a big scowl on his face because Sirius was such a control freak, really. He wouldn't even wait a few minutes until Regulus' Transfiguration class would end so he could say goodbye to his friends, leaving Regulus no option but to hope that Barty and Evan wouldn't worry too much about where he was.

Sirius' mood wasn't too good either, he had barely slept and as a result, his back and neck hurt, just as his muscles were tense. Sirius had lain in his bed for hours and hours, thinking, worrying, nervous about the talk they would have, then dreaming of his brother getting ripped apart by Remus. Even though hugging and talking with Regulus had helped a bit, he still became nauseous only at the thought of what could have happened.

So they walked alongside each other, Regulus scowling and Sirius feeling a giant lump in his throat, neither of them felt like talking at all and instead they listened to the wind whistling over the castle's grounds, causing raindrops to drum against the back of their necks, soaking their hair and cloaks. Outside of Hogwarts' wards, Sirius took hold of his brother's arm and apparated them both to the cottage.

For the first time ever, Sirius did not feel relief at the sight of the cottage. This place had become his home, still, the reason of their visit and the impending task of having a _talk_ with Reg made his stomach twist at the sight. Even though they were glad to escape the rainy outside, the house's inside was cold and dark as they entered it, the air stuffy and the curtains were drawn close. Both of them shivered as they took their wet cloaks off and Sirius immediately ripped the windows open, not caring about the rain, he just needed to get some air inside. "Get changed," was the only thing he said as he kneeled down in front of the fireplace and started a fire.

Reluctantly, Regulus went into his room, the wooden planks creaking beneath his feet as he entered it. It still looked exactly how he'd left it and yet it seemed different after having been away for so long.

He didn't even realize how long he took until he noticed Sirius leaning in the doorframe, watching him.

"The door was open and I knocked against the frame," Sirius said, straightening up, feeling a bit like an intruder.

Regulus gave him a short nod, not knowing what he was supposed to say.

"So… what do you want for lunch?" Sirius asked, shuffling his feet.

Regulus shrugged.

"Spaghetti?"

Regulus nodded. He didn't really care, he wasn't hungry anyway.

Sirius was about to turn and go back into the living room.

"Sirius?"

Sirius turned around again, too fast, his shoulder bumped against the doorframe. He grimaced. "Yes?"

Regulus swallowed hard but then decided to be straightforward for once. "I… do we really have to stay here for the weekend? I mean, we could just get it over with and then go back to Hogwarts…"

Sirius expression hardened. "Get _it_ over with?!"

"Yeah." Regulus shrugged in a nonchalant way even though he felt like he was going to be sick. "You punish me, it'll be over, we can go back."

Sirius stared at him for a moment, then, shook his head, firmly. "It doesn't work that way."

"What way does it work then? I've waited long enough, I want it over with."

Sirius' expression changed to indignation. "Who do you think I am? You think I'll simply put you over my knee and start spanking? You think I can do that? You think this is easy for me?!"

Regulus grimaced at the directness but he felt angry too, angry about this constant waiting, about Sirius' constant need to _talk_ and overanalyse everything. "Hasn't been so difficult for you yesterday," he hissed.

Sirius ran a hand over his face, groaning. "Merlin, I knew you'd bring this up sooner or later. I already said I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spanked you while I was angry."

"Well, you did!"

"Yeah and I shouldn't have! And I'm not going to do it again so _quit it_ and quit being a pest! It's not _me_ who's gotten us into this situation, it's been _you_ , so you don't get to make demands here!"

Regulus looked away, crossing his arms in front of his chest. There was simply no possibility he could ever talk to Sirius or make him understand. I mean, here he was, offering to _take his punishment without complaint_ , and what was Sirius doing, moaning about how he shouldn't make demands.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Please give me that time. I know you can't imagine it, but … this isn't always so easy for me. I'm struggling too, Reg." He sounded so vulnerable all of a sudden. "I'm always supposed to know everything and make no mistakes but I'm not perfect either."

Regulus still wouldn't look at Sirius.

"Okay." Sirius sat down on Regulus bed, his shoulders slumping. "Okay," he repeated, carding his fingers through his hair. "You want us to start talking? Then where do you want to start?"

"I…" Now that had taken Regulus by surprise. He didn't want to talk, he simply wanted everything to be done and dealt with. He looked at his brother with a helpless expression on his still very child-like features.

Sirius patted the spot next to him. "Sit with me," he requested in a tired voice.

When Regulus hesitated, Sirius lifted his hands in a reassuring way. "We're only talking for now. Okay? Simply talking."

Regulus waited for another moment but then approached the bed and sat down next to his brother.

"What's on your mind, Reg?"

That gentle tone. The use of his nickname. Regulus relaxed a bit. "I'm sorry," he started, to get that out of the way. "I'm sorry for endangering all of you."

Sirius remained silent, waiting.

"I won't do it again," Regulus offered. Glanced at his brother.

"Why not?" Sirius' eyes were fixing his brother's firmly.

"Because it was stupid. And dangerous."

"Why was it stupid?" Grey eyes bearing into identical grey ones.

"It just was. We saw what happened. I shouldn't have done it."

"Yes, you shouldn't have. So _why_ have you?"

Regulus shrugged. Now it was time for the story he had constructed. "I heard some rumours about a werewolf down there and I wanted to see if they were true. So I went – Sirius?"

Sirius got up, his face distorted with anger. Regulus looked at him confusedly. Sirius took a few steps towards the door, then paused and spoke without turning around.

"I told you I wouldn't spank you in anger again so that's why I'm leaving now. You can call me when you've decided to be honest and tell the truth. I'm not going to sit here while getting lied to, Regulus."

Regulus' heart skipped a beat. How did Sirius know? "S-sorry," he stammered. Sirius didn't react, though, just continued standing there, his shoulders tensed up, his profile harsh. "I didn't –" He almost said that he hadn't meant to lie. And would've risked making Sirius even angrier.

"I'm going to be honest from now on, I swear!"

Slowly, Sirius turned around, his expression grim and hurt at the same time.

"I heard that you were going to be there," Regulus said quickly. "And I needed to know if it was true. I heard that you and your friends would be at the Whomping Willow, and Se-someone said something about it being a full moon and werewolves and so I came to the conclusion that Remus might be a werewolf." Regulus tried to swallow the lump that sat in his throat. He'd almost given away that it was Severus who had set him up. And he couldn't tell Sirius the whole truth, could he? Sirius would go completely mental.

"Who said that?" Sirius had gone pale.

Regulus bit his lip. "I…" he didn't want to lie again. "I can't tell you," he said in a soft voice, already mentally preparing himself for Sirius to explode, what would, undoubtedly, follow.

Sirius rushed towards Regulus and squatted down in front of him. "You have to. It can't be that word about Remus' condition goes around at Hogwarts – it would destroy him. You have to tell me." There was something in Sirius' voice that made it clear that this was of absolute importance.

"He – he won't tell, I think. He knows since months at least, maybe years, so I don't think he'll tell now –" Severus had spread some crazy rumours about Sirius' friends last year, so he had to have known for some time and not told anyone, at least not really.

Sirius stared at his little brother, the wheels in his head starting to turn. "Snape told you to go down there?" As he said it, he realized that it was the only possibility. Only Snape knew that Remus was a werewolf. And Snape had a connection to his brother.

Regulus wanted to shake his head, he wanted it so badly. "Please don't go mental now," he whispered.

But going mental was exactly what Sirius did. "Are you MAD? SNAPE TOLD YOU – AND YOU, YOU LITTLE MORON, YOU WENT TO THE WHOMPING WILLOW BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU TO?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?"

Regulus had flinched hard as Sirius had started to yell but he bravely kept in his position, sitting, not running away or starting to cry like he wanted to. "Uh when you put it like this, it doesn't exactly sound a smart thing to do –"

Sirius took hold of his shoulders. "I'm going to kill him," he said, a strange tone in his voice that suggested that maybe Sirius had lost it and he would actually really kill Snape.

Regulus reacted fast, grabbing his brother's shirt. "No! Leave him alone! He only told me because I asked him to and only because of that stupid _prank_ you and James pulled on him! So, from that perspective, to YOU and JAMES, it was only justice what happened!"

Sirius stared at him incredulously. "What?" His mind needed a few moments to process the new information. Then, his expression became deadly. "You planned all of this, together with Snape? You wanted to hurt me?"

Regulus swallowed hard. "No," he said, not sure if it was the truth, though. "Yes, kind of, but I only wanted to –" he took a shuddering breath, feeling as if all his control over their conversation was slowly but surely slipping out of his hands, "I only wanted to _know_! Know whether I can trust you or not. And I can't." During his last words, Regulus couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Sirius released Regulus, now completely dropping onto his knees, the feeling of betrayal knocking him off balance. "Trust me?" His voice sounded weak and far away to his own ears. Nothing of what Regulus had said made any sense, yet Sirius could see it in his brother's eyes – Regulus was telling the truth. The hard, bitter, blunt truth. "What do you mean?"

Regulus looked away, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. Sirius reached out and took hold of his brother's face, his hand gripping Regulus' jaw like a vice, forcing him to look at him. "Tell me. I want the full truth, no vague statements and a few dropped hints. I want you to tell me everything, now."

"Severus wanted to get back at you," Regulus said, not daring to keep silent at the stern expression on Sirius' face. "I knew that. But he only said I should go to the Whomping Willow and then into the tunnel beneath it. I shouldn't have trusted him but he said nothing would happen to me. He only wanted revenge for the prank. And I… I wanted…" Regulus' voice got caught in his throat as he fought against the rising tears. "I only wanted to know if it was true. You're always bullying him and you're not at all how you're supposed to be… everything is messed up! And then your _nemesis_ tells me things about you I had no idea of and I'm your brother! Do I even know you?" Regulus' voice was trembling. "I don't even know who you are anymore," he added, watching the emotions that crossed his older brother's face.

Sirius was totally taken off guard by all of this. Never had he expected that this would turn out to be so difficult. He didn't even know what to address first. The entire story with Regulus aiding Severus in getting back at him, it didn't make sense. "But I'm your brother. Why would you help him a-against me?" Was all he could stammer as betrayal hammered it's way deeper and deeper into his heart.

"Now you are my brother. But I don't know the person you are at Hogwarts." Regulus' voice was barely a whisper.

"What?! That's nuts, Reg! I'm always your brother, _always_!"

Regulus shook his head.

"What do I have to do to make you believe it, Regulus? What do I have to do that you'll start trusting me?" When Regulus didn't answer, Sirius exhaled exasperatedly. "It's always the same with you! You construct a problem in your head, you isolate yourself, you _never_ talk to me, how am I supposed to know what you're thinking? How am I supposed to know what's the problem?"

Regulus looked away. "It's not like I _could_ talk to you. You never listen anyway."

Sirius got up, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Oh. So when have you even tried? When, in the last few weeks, did you come to me and say: Sirius, I've got a problem we need to discuss? Hm? Tell me, give me an example!"

Regulus glared at his brother. "I haven't because you've been unbearable!"

" _Me?_ I've been unbearable?! You're the one who walked around all day with a sessile scowl on your face! I always had to run after you, beg you to hang out with me, _beg you to even talk to me!_ " Sirius all but yelled at his brother. "And now you think you can simply reverse the roles? Yeah, you like playing the victim, don't you? The only thing is, YOU NEVER ARE! Everyone around you tries to make things easy for you and the only thing we get in return is your bad mood and the constant attitude!"

"I never asked you to," Regulus shot back. "I don't want to hang out with a bunch of bullies! I can't stand your friends, I can't stand your behaviour, you're casting aspersions on Slytherins, think you're better than anyone else – I can't abide you!"

TBC…

A/N: You're welcome for the cliffhanger. I swear I won't leave you hanging for long. Btw, greetings from Edinburgh and a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed, favourited, followed or simply fought his/her way through the story so far. A particularly HUGE thank you to Ariana, Zenigame, Lillyluna82, Muni and the other guest reviewers. Unfortunately, I can't thank you in private so I'm doing it here. You're great, guys!


	25. Have you ever seen the rain?

Warning: (Graphic) Spanking in this chapter. If that upsets you, _do not read this chapter, skip it or the story altogether!_ Otherwise, enjoy.

Sirius flinched, his brother' words practically forcing him to step back in shock. He couldn't keep the hurt from showing on his face. For a few long-reigning moments, pointed silence ruled in the small bedroom, the only sound consisting of raindrops that angrily hammered in thousands against the window.

Sirius opened his mouth, trying to say something but the words got stuck in his throat. So he simply stared at his brother who sat on the bed, breathing heavily with his hands clenched into tight fists.

"So that's why you're pushing me away," Sirius mumbled eventually, more to himself than to his brother. "I thought you wanted this family too, Reg. I thought you loved me too." The last bit he forced out of his throat, his voice raw. "But if you don't, say it now. I deserve that much honesty at least."

"I do… love you." Regulus didn't look at his brother as he spoke. "But sometimes, I don't like you. You're never on my side, you're always taking James' side. You don't need me. You've got many other brothers now, James, Remus, Peter, whoever. You've been everyone's brother the last years, just not mine. You only put up with me because you have to."

Sirius felt a tinge of hope at the words _I love you_ , but only for a few seconds. "Do you even hear what you're saying?" he ground out.

"Do _you_? No, don't answer, I bet you haven't even listened. Why do you make such a fuss anyways, it's not like you need me as a brother on top of all those perfect Gryffindors."

Slowly, Sirius managed to get a look behind all the hurting words and Regulus' dismissive attitude. "So you're being jealous?"

"No!" Regulus straightened up, indignant that Sirius would even think such a thing. He wasn't _jealous_ of James!

"You are," Sirius concluded nonetheless. "All this, just because you're jealous of James? Really?"

"I'm not being jealous! I'm not!" But the intensity of Regulus' protest spoke volumes.

"Uh-huh. I thought we agreed on being honest."

"You don't get it! I knew you wouldn't, I _knew_ you couldn't understand, that's why I never told you!"

"Oh, I get it alright. You're being a brat who thinks the world revolves around you and when people don't act the way you want them to, you immediately take it personally and blame everything on them."

"I'M NOT!" Regulus was yelling for real now.

"Yeah you are. It's always been this way with you, hasn't it? I've always been the one who had to run after you, who had to clean up your mess. Always! And what do I get for it? Accusations. Attitude. You're being an ungrateful snot, and that's it," Sirius hissed, his pulse quickening as anger and hurt intermingled and created a dangerous rage brewing in his stomach.

"I NEVER ASKED YOU TO!" Regulus jumped up and stood, straightening up to his full height, wanting to be on eye level with Sirius though he had to tilt his head back to look into his brother's eyes.

"Yes, you did! Remember that time you smashed Mother's vase and let me take the blame for you? Or remember that time you ran away when we were at that playground and I promised not to tell Mother and Father? I've always been covering for you. I've always loved you, cared for you, been the _only one_ who cared about you, and you took it for granted. I've always been there for you. Always!" Sirius spat out the hurting truth. It felt like knives in his mouth and he was relieved that it was out. A small part of his mind knew that, later, he would probably regret saying all this, but right now, he only felt rage and relief.

Regulus stared at him, bitter tears rising in his eyes. "You haven't! You've left. Me. Alone! How's that being there for me?"

"AND I SAID I'M SORRY!" Sirius yelled into his face, losing every last bit of restraint, throwing his arms up in the air. "What else am I supposed to do? I CAN'T TURN BACK TIME! I CAN'T! But I'm trying to make up for it, don't you see? Does nothing I do count in your eyes?"

Regulus averted his eyes. Sirius would never understand him. And even though he loved his brother, he felt such an amount of dislike for him at the same time that it was like he was getting torn apart on the inside.

Regulus' unresponsiveness angered Sirius even more. In his eyes, it looked like outright disrespect. "You always expect me to be perfect. You never forget any mistakes, you use every chance you get to rub them into my face. Just because I'm the oldest. But you know what, Regulus? You haven't been there for me either. You've left me too." Sirius reached out, taking hold of his brother's shoulders who instantly tried to wind himself out of Sirius' grip. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Reluctantly, Regulus lifted his gaze and met his brother's eyes.

Long thought forgotten feelings of hurt and betrayal broke free inside of Sirius that very moment. "You've always sided with them. You've left me all alone too. You've never _really_ been there for me." Sirius' voice was like iron, sending shivers down his own spine. "You've chosen them over me even though _I_ was the one who cared for you, dried your tears, hugged you, loved you. You've always loved them more even though they didn't do anything to deserve it." The words spilled out of Sirius, feelings he'd held back, had buried in the depths of his mind and had almost forgotten about, they came to the surface, and for once, Sirius wouldn't hold back for his little brother's sake. "Who made sure you got fed? Who helped you change into your pyjamas, brush your teeth, cared for you when you've been sick? Who sneaked into your room and read you a story every night even though it wasn't allowed and when someone saw me I caught hell for it? Who took the blame for everything you did because I couldn't bear the thought of them hurting you?"

Regulus stared at his brother, his grey eyes glistening with unshed tears of shock. Sirius had never spoken to him like this before. He felt Sirius' fingers bearing into his shoulders, hard, but didn't find it in himself to struggle anymore. Instead, he simply stood, stone-still, Sirius' words replaying in his head over and over. Sirius obviously waited for an answer so he finally breathed "You, it was you."

Sirius nodded. "I didn't have to do it. It wasn't my responsibility. You weren't my responsibility." Sirius got a little choked up. "But I wanted to. Because I loved you. Because you were precious to me." The grip on Regulus' shoulders intensified as Sirius tried to push the lemon size lump at the base of his throat down with a deep breath. "I loved you from the moment I first saw you, Reg."

Sirius sounded so vulnerable. And Regulus knew, he _knew_ , that Sirius spoke from his heart right now, the deepest, most vulnerable part of his heart. _I loved you_. Sirius had always been there, from his first memories on, like the sun, a warmth in that cold family, a beloved face that accompanied Regulus through most of his childhood memories.

"Before you were born, I was all alone. I only remember always wishing for things I couldn't name, a genuine smile, a hug, things I never knew but I missed them regardless. But after you were there, I wasn't alone anymore. And even though you were still a small baby, not doing much besides crying and sleeping, the way you looked at me, the trust and the love in your eyes, it was enough for me to know that I would do anything to make you happy as long as you would only love me." Sirius was almost crying now. "As long as you'd be there and love me back, everything would be bearable."

Regulus leaned forwards, against his brother's chest. "But you left me. You left me and then _I_ was all alone," he whispered in a strangled voice of emotion, laying his heart out as well. "I don't even know what I did wrong! What did I do wrong, Sirius? Why have you left me?"

Sirius folded his arms around his brother's shoulders, one hand on the back of Regulus' neck, keeping him close. The words he'd just said now came crushing down on him. Merlin, he shouldn't have said what he'd said a minute earlier. Regulus was not to blame. He'd only been a small child. "You haven't done anything wrong, Reggie. It wasn't your fault." He hid his face in his brother's hair. It was so difficult to explain, he didn't even fully understand it himself and he was not sure how he was supposed to make Reg understand. "It was simply too much. And with being at Hogwarts, suddenly seeing that there was such an easy way out of this horror house… I couldn't help but run, Reg. I needed to. Had I stayed, I would've ended up broken, destroyed. And I didn't realize that you… that you were simply scared. And confused. And a child, too. I never realized that you never stood up against them because you didn't know how. I had to my entire life, always created a barrier between them and you and when I returned from Hogwarts, I had forgotten that you were still so fragile when I left you. I only saw my brother who had transformed into the perfect child they always wanted. And I felt like you had betrayed me, had turned your back on me. It was like you were getting along with them, the way they praised you, the way you wanted to make them proud... made me feel like a stranger. Made you seem like a stranger. I thought it was only me who didn't fit into your family so I chose to leave, having no reason to stay anymore after you seemed to belong to them now..."

Regulus listened with his eyes closed, his face hidden against Sirius' shoulder. An answer, finally. Was it a satisfying one? He wasn't sure yet. Made it things better? Not really.

"I don't want it to sound like a justification, Reg. There is no justification for what I did. I threw away the person I loved and cared for my entire life and the only thing I can do now is hope that one day, you can forgive me. I can't ask for it but I can at least hope for it."

Regulus still wouldn't say anything. Forgiving Sirius? At first, that sounded strange. And not possible. There was still such an enormous amount of pain. Shouldn't the pain go first and then, later, forgiveness could be given? Because… forgiving, it also sounded scary. Like he'd draw a line. Like he wouldn't be allowed to hurt anymore afterwards. It sounded like stupidly trusting someone, like something a Hufflepuff would do. Forgiving appeared to be a lot like surrendering, like giving up the only argument he had that he could hold against his brother and with which he could sustain a certain amount of control in their relationship. Sirius was supposed to atone for what he had done. He'd said so himself, he'd said he tried to make up for leaving him, that's why he had taken guardianship of him. And that thought made forgiveness sound even scarier. Would Sirius leave him again if Regulus forgave him? Because wouldn't forgiveness mean that Regulus set a point in time after which Sirius was free of the need to make up and in conclusion also free of Regulus?

It would mean that Sirius could leave him again. Because didn't forgiveness mean that Regulus granted absolution, what meant that Sirius was free to do what he wanted. And Sirius wouldn't want to be burdened with Regulus.

Regulus sneaked his arms around Sirius' waist, holding onto his brother a bit tighter. He would forgive Sirius, later, he thought. When he didn't need him as much anymore. When he could bear to be left again. When he was older, an adult, could live on his own. When he wouldn't need his big brother to care for him. When he felt like he could let go of him. Felt like forgiving him. Because what would he get in exchange for forgiving Sirius? Right, nothing. It would be a completely stupid thing to do.

"I can't forget it," Regulus whispered instead.

"I know," Sirius whispered back. "I know…" Caressing Regulus' hair. Holding him, standing there, simply holding him. "But you need to trust me, at least a certain amount. You can't put your life at risk for reasons that are…" he shook his head, not finishing the sentence. The reason Regulus had given could barely be called a reason. "I can't allow that. I simply can't."

Regulus stood motionless, listening to his brother. Back to talking what had happened at the Whomping Willow, weren't they? He didn't want to talk. He only wanted to continue hugging his brother. And never let go. How could he ever have thought that staying away from Sirius would be easier?

"I could've lost you, Reg. You could've been killed. Or Remus could've bitten you. Let alone me or James, but on the foremost, _you_. Do you have any idea what that would've done to me? Do you?"

"You should've told me," Regulus mumbled. "About you being an animagus at least."

Sirius pulled away, keeping his brother's at an arm's length, holding his upper arms to keep him in place. "That's beside the point. The point is that you put your life in danger, Regulus. Damn it, there's nothing in this world that's worth to die for if you don't even know what it is! And simply to get back at me for not telling you everything, Regulus, I can't even…" Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, feeling that feeling again, losing ground, the image of his brother in Remus' claws on his mind, he needed to recollect himself before continuing.

"I still think you should've told me." Regulus' voice adopted that tone again, that defensive, snot-nosed tone.

"Maybe I should've told you, but it's really none of your business."

Regulus looked at him incredulously. "Of course it's my business! Don't you see how stupid I felt, all your friends knew about this, are _part_ of this, even Severus knew, only I didn't and I'm your _brother_!"

"No, it's none of your business. That Snape knows was a mistake, nothing else. I'm not discussing this now, Regulus. We're discussing YOU going to the Whomping Willow, putting your life and everyone else's at risk, for no reason at all. You could've simply asked me –"

"As if! You would've lied to me anyways."

"I don't lie to you, Regulus. I might've told you that it's none of your business but I wouldn't have lied."

"Yeah, great. That's so much better."

"So you don't think it was wrong to do down there? Didn't you say that it had been stupid, earlier?"

"Yeah. But it was the only way to find out about you."

Sirius shook his head at his brother's stubbornness. "You don't want to understand, do you?"

"I'm understanding everything just fine. You're the one who has to talk things over and over and won't stop until everything's in a muddle."

"I'm trying to get you to understand!"

Regulus rolled his eyes and when he spoke, his voice dripped with attitude. "I dooo, duh!"

"Okay, enough." Sirius' patience gave out. He took Regulus by his wrist, quickly walked them over to the bed and sat down, pulling his surprised brother to stand between his knees. "You don't want to get it into your head. So we're doing this another way. You knew you'd get spanked for what you've done, so we're dealing with that first. Pull your trousers down."

"What?!" Regulus quickly yanked his hand away from Sirius, taking a step back. But Sirius was fast, having anticipated Regulus' actions. So the older boy lunged forwards and grabbed both of his brother's wrists, tugging him back towards himself.

"I said," Sirius took a deep breath, "trousers. down." Sirius knew that he would have to make this spanking memorable. This was way worse than everything Regulus had ever done in his care and his brother would _feel_ the difference. Sirius would make certain that he would have to have this conversation only once with Regulus.

"NO! Are you nuts? I'm not some little child! And anyway, we haven't finished talking!" Regulus' voice gained a higher pitch as he tugged at his hands again but wouldn't get them free this time.

Sirius shook his head. "We're going to finish talking later. I feel like you need this first to understand that I absolutely mean it. I haven't come here to discuss with you _whether_ it was wrong what you did. It was wrong, stop, full stop, finish! There's nothing left to discuss in that matter."

"B-but I understand! I do! I – I just mean, Sirius, come on, it's not like I'll do it again, so –"

"I believe that you wouldn't do the exact same thing again. But this is about risking your life in general. This is about you learning that I won't stand by and watch you getting yourself killed. There are limits on what you're allowed to do for a reason and you overstepped them by far. So you're going to have to accept the consequences. Words are worthless, Reg. I've had to learn that myself. My word that I mean what I say is obviously not enough, actions speak louder."

Regulus felt his tears beginning to form in his eyes and they hadn't even begun. _How pathetic._ "B-but Sirius… please? Not like this," he begged, trying for the sad puppy expression that had always worked so well when they had been children.

Sirius' expression didn't waver, instead, it only became more determined. "Exactly like this, Regulus. Now, you can pull them down yourself or I'm going to do it for you. But they're coming down for this."

Regulus tugged at his hands again. "Please! I promise I won't do it again, I promise I'll never endanger myself again, really!"

Sirius only looked at him. Then reached out and started unbuttoning Regulus' trousers.

"Nooo! Come on, Sirius!" Regulus took hold of Sirius' hands and tried to keep them away. "I'm not a child!"

"Then do it yourself." Sirius' voice, like stone.

Regulus swallowed hard. There was no sign that Sirius would relent. The only possible way for him to maintain a pretence of dignity was to pull his trousers down himself, so Regulus nodded and tried to work his trousers down, his hands starting to tremble. This was really going to happen. Merlin, he'd never been so embarrassed in his entire life.

As soon as Regulus had unbuttoned his trousers, Sirius shifted back on the bed and motioned for his brother to get over his lap. "Same story, Reg. You can do it yourself or I'm going to pull you over, but it's going to happen."

A stray tear that had lingered on Regulus' lower eyelashes got free and dropped down his cheek. His gaze flicked over to the door for the split of a second, could he make it? But what then? "Please," he whispered, "Please don't." Regulus wasn't even sure why he was reacting like this but at the moment, the prospect of Sirius punishing him, the sight of Sirius being so disappointed and stern, it was worse than anything else. If he'd had the choice, he'd rather face the werewolf again than this version of extremely stern, parental Sirius.

Sirius had trouble keeping up the stern exterior. Everything inside of him begged to only allow himself to take Regulus into his arms and forget about the punishment. He couldn't help himself, his little brother's tears got to him. "Look at me," he said, his voice softening a bit. "You knew this would happen. And you know you deserve it. This is no fun for me, believe me. But I cannot allow you to act like you did. I'll do anything, Reg, to keep you safe, even from yourself."

"B-but… please," Regulus begged again, his world a blur of tears by now as he looked down at the bleared shape of his big brother. He felt like a toddler, standing here like this, trying to avoid the inevitable.

He saw Sirius shaking his head. "Come, I'll help you," he said, gently but firmly guiding Regulus, who felt completely unable to move, over his knees. "There you go."

Instinctively, Regulus put up a struggle, bucking, trying to get up again, but Sirius held him down firmly.

Then Regulus felt Sirius hook his fingers into the waistband of his trousers and the next thing he knew was that his trousers were pooling around his knees, a warm hand steadying his lower back, another one gently patting his shoulder. Merlin, he wouldn't be able to survive this. He surely would die from embarrassment. Regulus hid his face in the pillow whilst wishing the ground would open and swallow him up.

"We're getting through this together, Reg," Sirius said softly, not finding it in him to be stern anymore. This was going to be bad enough anyways. "I'm here, with you. This is going to be a lot worse than the other spanking you had, but I promise I won't harm you, I never would. Okay? There's no need to be afraid." There was nothing Sirius feared more at this moment than that his brother would be afraid of him. Yes, this was a punishment, but he'd never really hurt Reg. He wouldn't lose his temper, he'd only use his hand, he'd be careful. He'd make it as bearable as possible.

Regulus felt Sirius shifting again, positioning his body, and then Sirius nudged him with a pillow. "Hold onto this," the older boy advised him gently. Regulus grabbed the pillow and wrapped his arms around it, pressing his face into the soft cushion. He felt Sirius wrapping his left arm around his waist and winced, bracing himself.

"Ready?"

The question ignited a fire of indignation in Regulus. Was Sirius trying to be funny now? "NO! What do you think?!"

"I simply didn't want to catch you off guard… but I'm going to start now. Just wanted you to know," Sirius explained.

"Very considerate of you," Regulus hissed, the pillow swallowing half of the aggression in his voice but it still came out extremely rude. He tensed up, fearing that he had made Sirius angry now. But Sirius only gave him a last pat on the small of his back, as if to reassure him, and then Regulus felt his brother taking a deep breath.

Smack! Regulus jumped forwards, scrunching his eyes shut. Merlin, that had stung! He'd forgotten how much this hurt!

But before he could think too much about it, another spank landed on his underwear-clad bottom, and another and another. Soon, Sirius fell into an even rhythm, alternating cheeks, working from the top of Regulus' cheeks down to the crease where his bottom met his thighs.

And soon, Regulus couldn't keep silent anymore. He hadn't realized that his brother had such hard hands! At first, only a few low groans and yelps escaped him, mostly muffled by the pillow, but as the spanking went on and his bum began to sting in earnest, he couldn't keep from hissing and occasionally yelping. "OW," he yelled out at a particularly hard smack, tears of frustration streaming down his cheeks, creating wet spots on the pillow, making it uncomfortable to rest his face on it. "Ow-ow! Ah! Sirius – Stop! Owww!"

Sirius wouldn't react to the pleas that became louder and louder. He knew they still had a lot to cover and a long way to go if he really wanted his message to stick this time. So he chose to overhear the pained sounds and distressed pleas, he might've crumbled right then and there if he hadn't. Instead, he started to increase the speed, ignoring the painful stinging sensation that built on the surface of his palm as each spank he delivered increased the feeling of thousands of small needles that were jabbing into his skin.

Regulus released the pillow, frantically throwing his hands back to cover his backside while trying to roll off Sirius' lap. "It's enough, Sirius, I – Owww! I get it, please, you can stop!" They had surpassed the twenty smacks mark by now and Regulus wondered if Sirius had gone crazy because his brother obviously didn't notice that he couldn't take it anymore!

Sirius caught Regulus' hands, held them together at the wrists while landing a faster flurry of spanks to the undercurve of Regulus' bottom where the skin was most sensitive, then he threw his right leg over his brother's flailing ones, effectively pinning Regulus down. In that moment, he was thankful that he was still a considerable amount taller and stronger than Reg for it made it easier to hold him down, however cruel that sounded.

Regulus started to cry in earnest, pitiful now, high-pitched weeping-sounds coming from his throat, intermingling with hitched breathing and Regulus tried to voice yet another plea that Sirius knew he'd have to ignore. "P-please stop, Sirius, pleeease! It h-hurts!"

"I know it does but it's supposed to," Sirius responded in a low voice. He could feel how much it hurt, his own hand was on fire and he had to force himself to lay down each smack for it hurt him just as much, not to mention having to cause his little brother pain. This was Reg, his little brother, the child he'd sworn he'd protect, the one person he loved more than anyone else. And he was hurting him. Sirius forced himself to recall the memory of finding Regulus in the tunnel, of how scared he'd been, how close he'd come to losing his little brother. And it made him hit harder, caused him to move on to the still untouched area of Regulus' upper thighs, colouring the white skin until it had changed to a rosy red. Regulus was bawling into his pillow, his legs were twitching helplessly but otherwise, the boy had ceased every attempt to get away and had miserably succumbed to his fate.

Sirius wasn't quite sure yet if he should pull the underwear down as well for the last part of the punishment, he felt like it was deserved when one was considering his brother's misconducts, but then again Regulus wasn't a small child anymore and Sirius really didn't want to take away that last layer that preserved Regulus' dignity, and when looking at the crying boy, he knew he didn't have the heart for it. It wasn't like it provided any protection anyway. "Tell me why you are getting this spanking," Sirius said, trying to hide the exhaustion and pain in his voice but failing miserably. All he wanted to do was to break down and cry as well but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't be weak in front of his little brother, not now. So he straightened up, summoning up all his strength for this last part. "Answer me, little brother. I need you to answer me," he said in a softer voice, resting his right hand on the small of Regulus' back, allowing him to calm down a bit before speaking.

Regulus tried to swallow his sobs down but failed. "I-I c-can't!" he wailed. He couldn't speak _now_ , not in the state he was in, all he wanted was for Sirius to stop! His bum was hurting awfully, stinging and pulsating with pain even though Sirius wasn't even spanking him right now.

"Take your time," Sirius mumbled, patting his little brother's back gently. He felt like a monster, having reduced his brother to the pitifully sobbing wreck he was right now. But if it kept Reg alive, he knew it would be worth it.

Regulus needed a few more attempts before he could speak. "I'm s-sorry," he cried. "I'm s-so sorry for going to the Whomping W-willow! I'll n-never do it a-gain, I s-swear!"

"I'm glad to hear that. And for what else are you being spanked?"

Regulus tensed up, not having expected his response to be wrong. "I'm s-sorry! I don't know!"

"Think about the way you treated me the last weeks."

A bulb lightened up inside of Regulus' head. "I-ignoring y-you! I was m-mean and ins-solent and ignored y-you!"

"Mh-hmm. That's the reason all of this happened in the first place, Reg. 'Cause you wouldn't talk to me."

"'M s-sorry!"

"I know. But I want to be sure nothing comes between us again, if you've got a problem, you'll have to tell me, talk to me, not push me away. No ignoring me, no being all cold and dismissive if there's something worrying you, you need to talk to me. Clear?"

"Yesss! P-please…" Regulus ruefully sobbed into his pillow. _Please just stop!_

Sirius sensed that Regulus was almost at his limit. He looked down at the quivering backside over his lap, he could feel the heat radiating from it. And he felt slightly unsure on how much longer he should continue. Mr. Potter had always exactly known when it was enough, how, well, it was most likely due to his years of practice. But Sirius didn't have that advantage.

So he grimaced in sympathy for his brother as he reached out and quickly lifted the waistband of Regulus' cyan-blue boxers a bit up to inspect the colour beneath it.

He instantly wished he hadn't looked. The skin of Regulus bottom was coloured in a dark, sore red, and Sirius' heart clenched at the sight of it. _I'm so sorry._ He felt the beginning of a struggle coming from his brother as Regulus realized that he was fumbling with his boxers. But before Regulus knew it, Sirius arranged the boxers back to how they had been. "W-what are y-you –" was everything Regulus got out.

"I want one thing to be very clear here, Regulus," Sirius said, hardening his voice again, knowing that he had to in order to get this over with, deliberately using his brother's full name, " _if_ you disobey me again, _if_ you put your _life_ in danger again, I promise you, you can expect this to happen all over again but on your bare bottom. Am I understood?"

Regulus nodded frantically. "Y-yes!" Merlin, he was fifteen! No way in hell would he do something that urged Sirius to paddle his _bare_ bottom! He would surely die from embarrassment then if he was lucky enough to survive _this_ spanking!

"Then we're almost finished. Just a reminder for you that I mean what I say. Because when I say I'm going to punish you, I'm going to do it properly, when I say I'm going to keep you safe, I'm going to do that to the best of my ability, and when I tell you that I _love you_ , I mean it with all my heart. When I make a promise, I'm going to keep it. And I never want to hear you saying that you don't think I care about you ever again. Nor do I want to hear you saying that I only want to meet you, hang out with you, care for you because I feel that I have to. It's not true and it's the most disrespectful and hurtful thing you can say to me."

With that, Sirius raised his hand once more and delivered a last set of fifteen fiery spanks to his brother's sit spots. Regulus yelped and wept through it and at the end, Sirius felt himself yearning to join in on his brother's tears but he couldn't, not yet. "It's over," he choked as he released his little brother's legs and wrists.

As soon as those words reached Regulus' ears, the boy pushed himself up, awkwardly stumbling onto the floor, his bum hurting like nothing he'd ever felt before and he just wanted to get away, away from those punishing hands, quickly scrambling out of Sirius' reach, not wanting to touch Sirius, not wanting to be near him. His face was as red as a tomato and he felt the tips of his ears burning as he got to his feet, pulling his trousers up as fast as he could, hissing as the waistband scraped across his sore bum. Tears were still relentlessly flowing out of his eyes, blurring the room, his brother, everything was a mess of tears and pain. He brushed the back of his hand across his cheeks, trying to get rid of the embarrassing signs of weakness, but the old tears were instantly replaced by new ones.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw that Sirius was getting up from the bed and he instantly stumbled a step backwards, keeping his hands ready to fly back and shield his backside if necessary.

Sirius' heart clenched at the sight of his little brother. "It's over," he repeated, keeping his distance, "over and done with."

A sob escaped Regulus' lungs. He felt as if he'd been deceived. This punishment had been way worse than he had expected, he'd expected about twenty smacks on his fully clothed bottom like the last time, what hadn't been so bad then and now seemed like love pats in comparison. There had been no warning at all that this spanking would be so much worse.

But at least it was over now. And Regulus wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and hide under the covers forever. The only problem was: Sirius was standing in the way and Regulus didn't want to be near him right now. Not that Sirius smacked him again when he walked past him.

Sirius seemed to be able to read his brother's thoughts. "Don't you want to lie down for a bit?" Lunch could wait. Noticing the hesitation, he took a few steps aside even though he wanted nothing more right now than to be near Reg, to comfort him, to tell him that everything was okay now.

Regulus tapped over to his bed and cautiously lowered himself onto his stomach, not looking at Sirius as he did so. But then he turned hid face, since, even though he would've rather faced the wall, he decided it would be smarter to keep an eye on Sirius, just to be safe.

Sirius stood there, in the middle of the room, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do. Regulus didn't want his comfort, that much was obvious. But he wanted to give it so badly. "D-do you want a second blanket?" It was cold in the room, Sirius noticed that just now. A sudden shiver ran down his spine. He couldn't leave Reg like this, crying, hurting, in a cold room… No.

When there was no answer, just another sob, Sirius went over to Reg's trunk and opened it, then summoned a pair of sweatpants. He should've thought of this before, should've heated the room, should've had Reg changing into his sweats previous to the spanking.

As he approached the bed to hand his brother the sweatpants, a spark of outrage could be seen in his brother's eyes. Sirius bit his lip, not sure what he'd done wrong now. "I thought you might want to get out of those jeans…" Sirius voice died away.

"G-go away. I'm not changing with y-you here," Regulus said, trying to harden his voice.

"Of course," Sirius replied but he couldn't help the faint smile that played over his face. Regulus had spent the last three minutes over his lap with his trousers around his knees and now he acted self-conscious around him. A second later, the smile froze and fell off his face like a mask. This wasn't funny! This wasn't the time to laugh at his brother. If Reg didn't want him here, he had every right to tell him so. "I'll be looking for a second blanket," Sirius mumbled quickly, leaving the room, giving his brother some privacy.

He entered the living room, snatching up that horrible copper-coloured blanket from the couch. The fire in the fireplace had warmed the living room up and Sirius stayed here for a few moments, listened to the raindrops that drummed against the windows like dozens of small fingers and then ran down the turbid glass, like the tears on his baby brother's face.

Sirius looked away, stared at Regulus' door. He felt like he had messed everything up, like he'd had a chance to make Reg understand and had wasted it. _You can't expect him to be keen on being near you right now,_ a biting voice said inside of his head. _You embarrassed him. Hurt him. Spanked him like a little child over your knees, and then you expect him to let YOU of all the people comfort him?_

"What else should I have done," Sirius murmured to himself. "He didn't want to understand, he didn't listen, I can't ground him, don't want to take his broom because that would only take away his joy and that's not fair." But all the reasoning was futile for the guilt sat not inside his brain but on his chest, nagging at his heart.

Hesitantly, Sirius knocked at Regulus' bedroom door and shortly after, turned the knob and opened it. Regulus had changed into his sweatpants and was lying on his bed, on his stomach, propped up on his elbows, his head hanging deep whereas his shoulders were shaken by violent sobs which the boy tried to muffle with his hand. Sirius immediately dropped the blanket, rushed to the bed and placed a hand on his little brother's shoulder. "Shhh… Reggie, everything's okay. There's no need to cry so hard, little brother," he whispered. Had he spanked him too hard? Because, seeing his baby brother being wrenched by such heart-breaking sobs was an absolutely horrifying sight for Sirius.

"I'm s-sorry," Regulus managed to get out in between the sobs. "I'm s-so sorry!"

"You need to calm down, you're going to make yourself sick," Sirius said in a low voice as he started to rub his brother's back. "All's forgiven. No need to feel bad anymore."

"I-I c-could've killed you…"

"What?"

"H-had Remus bitten you, it w-would've been all my fault," Regulus clarified under tears.

"Oh Reg," Sirius sighed and knelt down in front of the bed. "You've been punished for going down there and it's over now. No hard feelings." He tried for a lopsided smile. Regulus didn't smile back, instead, he buried his face in his pillow.

"Listen, I was down there at my own risk. Whatever happened to me and James, it's our responsibility too. The only reason _you_ got spanked for going down there and not _me_ ," Sirius smirked a bit to himself, "is that you went there for no reason at all and completely unprepared. See, I wouldn't go near Remus in my human form when he's transformed. Never. And James wouldn't either, and we never have. We've only been with him as soon as we'd figured out how to become animagi. So he wouldn't be alone out there. You know, it helps him when we're with him. Somehow, it helps."

Regulus had turned his head and looked at him then, his eyes puffy yet there was a spark of interest glittering in his tears. "For h-how long h-have you been able to transform?"

Sirius' expression softened and he caressed his brother's cheek, using his thumb to wipe the tear streaks away. Maybe it was really time to tell Reg a bit more. It couldn't do any harm anymore anyway. "Since I've been about sixteen… sometime during my fifth year, I think." He thought for a moment, inwardly counting the years. Yes, it had to have been their fifth year. Because in their early sixth year, he had sent Snape into the tunnel.

Snape. _So that's the reason he sent Regulus down there. He wanted to get back at me for that,_ Sirius thought bitterly. Poor Reg. Snivellus had used his little brother to get his late revenge. _I'll get you for that, Snape. When I'm done with you you'll wish you were never born._

Sirius looked down at his little brother who returned his gaze with the sparkle still in his eyes. Sirius quickly dismissed the anger at Snape. He wanted to see Reg's eyes shining again, wanted those tears gone. "It's been a bitch to learn it, I swear. I had to hold a leaf of a mandrake in my mouth for a month." Sirius grimaced at the memory. "It was so disgusting… took me and James three tries to get used to the taste, I mean, for a day or so, they're okay, but then the leaves begin to smell and taste funny… Ew. Eventually, we figured out that lemon juice helped against the bad breath at least. Oh, and Peter's an animagus too, you know. You probably haven't seen him because he's so small, though."

"What animal is h-he?" Regulus' sobs had decreased in intensity and his breathing slowly began to go back to normal.

"He's a rat. That's why we call him wormtail, get it?" Sirius smiled a bit. "At first, I think he was a bit disappointed, but you know, being a rat can be pretty awesome too. He can sneak in everywhere, and I mean _literally everywhere_." Sirius laughed, remembering the many pranks they'd only been able to carry out because Peter had sussed everything out before. Not to mention the amount of knowledge they had gained about places a teenaged boy at Hogwarts usually only dreamed of.

Regulus listened, fascinated. Of course he was still a bit angry that Sirius hadn't told him about all that before but at least now he wasn't being left out anymore.

"He's pretty fast, you almost can't see him in the dark," Sirius grinned and ran with the fingertips of his right hand up Regulus' back and neck, then, with a mischievous glint in his eyes, ruffled his little brother's hair until it was all messy and the long black strands of hair stood in all directions.

The corners of Regulus' mouth quirked upwards ever so slightly.

Sirius reached out to the blanket he'd dropped earlier. "Do you want the second blanket? Or you could lie down in the living room for a bit, it's already cosily warm in there," he suggested shyly.

"Living room," Regulus responded. Sirius couldn't keep the small smile from lighting up his face. He was so relieved that Reg was not that angry with him that he would avoid him all day. But that Regulus would even join him in the living room, it was almost like a peace offering.

"Then hop to it," Sirius said. He got up. "It's freezing in here."

Regulus didn't need to be told twice. Sirius snatched up Regulus' covers and pillow as well, carrying them into the living room and there spread them out on the couch, creating a nice, warm place for his brother to rest on and sleep a bit. As Regulus lay down on his stomach, Sirius tucked the covers around him, then he sat down on the wooden floor next to the couch, crossing his legs, gazing in abstraction at the prickling fire that gently warmed the both of them.

He became once more aware of his sore hand, the earlier stinging sensation had turned into a deeper, duller ache, his hand still a bit warm to the touch and reddened but not half as much as a few minutes earlier. He used his other hand to massage it a bit, flexing his fingers now and then, lost in thought. Lost in those waves of guilt and extreme emotional exhaustion. He only wanted to hug his little brother, make everything good again between them. Because he realized that punishment alone didn't solve any of their deeper lying problems. It would, hopefully, keep Reg from endangering his life again, but that was all. He couldn't order his brother to like him or his friends. He couldn't expect Reg to love him. Or to forgive him.

Sirius tilted his head backwards and leaned it against the neck-roll pillow at the end of the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling, feeling the weight of his bones, feeling earth's gravity pushing him against the couch, having no strength left to sit up straight.

"I'm not your enemy," he said, barely audibly. "Even though to you, it might not seem like it at this moment, but I'm not your enemy." Sirius could hear the covers rustling closely behind him but he didn't turn around. He knew Reg was still awake and listening. "I'm on your side." _Maybe one day, you will be on my side too._

tbc...


	26. Lonely Day

When Regulus opened his eyes again and looked out of the windows, he could tell by the low sun that shone through a tiny hole in the thickly clouded sky that it was already afternoon. He blinked a few times, enjoying the soft sunbeams on his face that gently tickled his skin until the golden ball got swallowed up again in a greyish mist of colours. As he sat up, he instantly noted that his backside wasn't hurting anymore. He shifted around a bit – no, clearly as good as new.

Was that a good sign? Strangely enough, Regulus didn't feel very happy about it, he felt rather disappointed really. After _that_ punishment, Sirius deserved to feel guilty for causing him such awful pain. And Regulus felt a bit betrayed by his backside that hadn't hesitated to heal fully in just a few hours. Without at least asking for permission, how rude.

Regulus looked around the room. Sirius was nowhere to be seen or heard. His brother must've kept the fireplace going, though, for Regulus could see newer, still-black-to-the-core bulks of wood on top of an older pile of white ashes. Maybe Sirius was outside.

Regulus was a bit relieved about that. The thought of Sirius raised conflicted feelings inside of him – his brain wanted him to be angry at his brother and to ignore him while his heart yearned for a hug and a smile and a sign that everything was good again. And then his brain changed its mind and told him to be at least respectful so Sirius wouldn't smack him again whereas hurt pride gathered in his stomach at the embarrassing memories and prepared a plan of action on how to pay Sirius back… it was enough to drive anyone mad.

Hence when Sirius came back in, a pile of firewood in his arms, Regulus felt like he was frozen in place. He could neither bring himself to smile nor to glare at his brother so he simply kept silent and looked away.

Sirius didn't say a word as he put down the firewood, keeping his back to Regulus. Regulus watched him out of the corners of his eyes but when Sirius turned around he quickly pretended to be sleeping again.

Sleeping? Regulus mentally kicked himself! Sirius already knew he was awake – playing possum was not at all what a respectable person would do. So he quickly changed his mind again, his ears starting to burn. "When are we going to eat?" he asked instead.

Sirius, who had been feeding the fire with some smaller pieces of wood, looked up. "Are you hungry?"

Regulus' eyebrows furrowed at the nonchalant tone in Sirius' voice. "Yeah, I mean, I haven't gotten anything the entire day, so, _sure,_ I'm feeling peckish."

"You've had breakfast," Sirius said, his expression unreadable, "haven't you?"

Regulus looked at him in a funny way. "Yeah, natch. But nothing after that. I'm not going to survive from breakfast only."

For a moment, their eyes met. Sirius looked away first. "What would you like?"

"Doesn't matter, anything."

"Alright. I'll call Blinky in a moment, she'll cook something for us."

Regulus nodded. Sirius turned away again, continued to take care of the fireplace. "Have you slept well?" he asked casually after some time, not looking at Regulus.

For some reason, that question made the younger boy angry. Yeah, he had slept at least, and no, he hadn't slept _well_ , because he'd only had to sleep because he'd needed to recover from Sirius punishing him like he had. So Regulus turned away to face the back of the couch, not answering. Otherwise, he might've said something he'd regret later.

He could sense Sirius' hesitation in the room, could even hear it. Then, he listened to his brother getting up and walking into the kitchen, Sirius' feet causing the wooden planks to creak and sigh with each step he took, while an uncomfortable silence settled in the room. Was Sirius still angry? He had barely looked at him and the thought caused Regulus' heart to clench in worry. Was Sirius that angry with him that he couldn't even look at him? _No hard feelings,_ Sirius had said. But that had been hours ago and Regulus had been crying bitterly then, embarrassing himself… Maybe Sirius was still angry. He hadn't even hugged him afterwards.

 _You wouldn't hug him either_ , a voice in Regulus' head reminded him. But Sirius hadn't even tried. On the other hand, who would want to hug somebody who had almost gotten you killed? That wasn't something you simply forgot or forgave.

At least Regulus wouldn't. Merlin, this only compounded Regulus' problems. He felt like he was getting torn apart. Nothing made sense anymore and even at a point where Regulus thought that it couldn't get more messed up, his brain seemed to put him right by complicating matters even more. He was left feeling like a ball of tangles, an endless mess, the kind anyone with half a brain would give up on and throw away.

Sirius wouldn't force Regulus to talk to him. Lunch was a silent affair, the both of them were sitting opposite to each other but the only words said were short, practical questions like "Can you pass me the can with pumpkin juice?"

Icy silence otherwise. A few times, their gazes met inadvertently, Sirius had sure noticed that Regulus was watching him even though he pretended not to, it was more of a shadowy movement in the corners of Sirius' eyes, he rarely caught it and when he did, Regulus looked away instantly, a jolt going through his body, adding to the tension in the room.

Merlin, he could barely remember the times when talking with Reg had been easy and carefree. Had it ever?

Yes. When there hadn't been so much standing in between them. It never got less, no, only ever more that got added to a huge pile of random disagreements and misunderstandings that kept them apart.

Sirius almost addressed his brother, a few times. Opened his mouth, said his brother's name, "Reg…"

Watched Regulus lift his eyes, somewhat reluctantly, and then that mixture of defensiveness and distrust in his expression, it caused Sirius to choke up and bottle it, to motion towards the salt shaker and hastily mumble something, then, to salt his spaghetti until they were spoiled, not daring to look at his little brother again.

 _Reg, I'm sorry. Please don't hate me._

He was sure now that he had messed up. Somewhere along the way, Sirius had made a mistake. Because when he or James had gotten punished the last years, there had never been this deadly silence surrounding the house afterwards. Mr. Potter had always known what to say and how to comfort them so nobody felt alone and unheard.

This, it was Sirius' fault.

He should've hugged Reg. Should've made sure they had covered everything that was there to talk about, shouldn't have been so hard on him, should never have yelled at him and told Reg that he was to blame for his leaving. That Reg had left him too.

How could he have said that? It was not true, and now it was said. And how Sirius knew his brother, he was sure that these words now added to the pile of insecurities the boy had towards Sirius, they would only fuel Reg's constant worry about not being loved.

The scraping of a chair's legs across the floor jolted Sirius out of his daydreams. He kept his head down, though, as he watched out of the corner of his eyes Regulus getting up.

"I'll be in my room," the boy said, his voice lacking any emotion, eyes impervious.

Sirius only nodded even though his mind yelled at him to say something, anything, to make Reg stay.

As soon as Regulus had rounded the corner and disappeared into the corridor, Sirius put his spoon down and rested his elbows on the table, hiding his face in his hands. How he wished he could simply talk to Reg, about everything…

But he couldn't. There was no place for Sirius to look for consolation or forgiveness. Forgiveness was Regulus' to give, voluntarily, it wasn't Sirius' to ask for. There had been a chance for Sirius to explain, but that chance, he felt, he'd wasted. _And instead, I've hurt him even more. Should've never told him._

Maybe Reg would never be able to forgive him. Maybe their lives would never go back to the way they were before.

Sirius exhaled heavily into his hands. He glanced into the direction of the corridor. And, with the impulse of the moment, got up. Walked quickly until he stood in front of his brother's door, his hand ready to turn the knob and open the door.

But what was he supposed to do? Simply give his brother a hug? No, he couldn't force him. He simply couldn't. It wasn't his right to force Reg to hug him, especially not today.

What was he supposed to say? _I'm sorry for punishing you?_ Definitely not. Because it wasn't true. Reg had deserved that spanking. Sirius was only sorry that he had been the one who had to deliver it. And that he'd screwed up like he had.

Should he ask whether Reg was still angry? _Dumb question, of course he is._

Should he beg Reg not to hate him? Beg him to understand? _Yeah. And destroy every last ounce of self-respect I've still got._

Sirius eventually dropped his hand and took a step back, leaned against the opposite wall, faced the door that was separating them, stared at it, all his courage gone. No, he couldn't even enter that room. He couldn't invade Reg's privacy now, it was clear that his brother wanted to spend some time alone, without him.

Sirius came to a decision. It was the easier one, to simply do nothing and let Regulus come to him. Let Regulus select the time when he felt ready to move on.

But Regulus took his time, left Sirius to stew. He left the kitchen table after he'd scraped the last spoonful of his plate, not caring that Sirius hadn't finished even half of his dinner yet, not saying a word the entire time.

And, at some point during the evening, Sirius couldn't bear it anymore. Those unspoken words between them, always on his mind, loud, demanding, overwhelming. Forcing him to go. To enter Regulus' room, quietly, it being already late and the boy's bedroom laying in complete darkness aside from the waning moon's faint blue shimmer that sketched the room's rough shapes in an indistinct shade of scarab blue.

"Reg?" Barely a whisper or maybe just a thought. Sirius approached his brother's bed and the figure that lay embedded in the heavy covers curled up like a fetus beneath them.

Sirius knelt on the floor, his hand ghosting over his little brother's hair. _I'm sorry. I messed up._ Words, demanding to be said. Lingering on the tip of his tongue, relentlessly. His heart yearning for forgiveness.

Sirius clenched his teeth, pressed his mouth to a thin line. He couldn't say that. Reg would misunderstand. _I can't ask for forgiveness. Don't deserve it. Can't expect it._

Carefully, he leaned forwards to look at Regulus' face that was turned towards the wall.

No tear streaks this time, at least. Only deep, even breathing, the eyelids with the long, dark lashes attached twitched from time to time, dreaming. A soft sigh.

Had Regulus had nightmares the last night? He'd woken up so many times, drenched in sweat, the night he'd encountered Remus. Sirius had nightmares as well. Different ones than his brother but they came from the same source. And he was almost certain they would return this night. The fear of losing his baby brother was still too fresh, it was gripping him to the marrow.

Sirius would deal with it how he always had. Ride it out. The nightmares would disappear eventually. Or, at least, become less frequent, with time.

But Regulus? Sirius didn't want _him_ to be afraid. The simple thought of that was a million times worse than all sorts of nightmares that could haunt Sirius.

Sirius smiled sadly as he studied the usually pale freckles on Regulus' nose that had gained some colour over the summer and were now visible even in the dark as Sirius' eyes had gotten accustomed to the darkness. Reg had always had these, even as a baby. Sirius was sure of it.

Regulus, sleeping, dreaming, vulnerable, like a baby. Vulnerable to all the real dangers in the real world but also vulnerable to the creatures of his own imagination.

He leaned forward even more and traced, without giving it much thought, his hand along the side of Regulus' face. _Wherever you are right now, I'm always with you. Don't be afraid._

Regulus' lashes twitched. Then, he opened his eyes, blinked into the darkness. He turned his head, his eyes coming to rest on Sirius who felt caught.

"I didn't realize you were awake," Sirius whispered.

"I wasn't," Regulus responded, furrowing his forehead. "What are you doing here?"

Sirius pushed himself away from the bed, now simply sat on the floor. "Just wanted to say goodnight, is all."

"Oh."

Sirius started to get up, embarrassment prickling on his skin. "I'll go then," he mumbled, everything he'd wanted to say earlier forgotten. "I'm sorry I woke you up," he added in a low voice. So many apologies.

"Sirius?"

Sirius paused, looked at his little brother.

"Are you still angry?"

Sirius was perplexed that Regulus would even think that. "No," he said softly, "of course not."

Regulus relaxed for a few moments, then, a haze of worry clouded his expression once more. "Can I ask you something? Promise you won't get mad again?"

"You can always ask me anything," Sirius said. "I promise I won't get mad," he added as he sat down on the bed.

Regulus hesitated for a second. "Can I… can I visit Grimmauld Place, please?"

Sirius shook his head subconsciously, his heart sinking. "We've already discussed that."

"No, we were fighting then. But I need to go there. You don't have to go with me, really."

Sirius ran a hand over his face. "No," he said eventually. It was true that they had been fighting then but Sirius had had his reasons for not complying with Regulus' wish. And those reasons still pertained.

"Why?" Regulus sounded very disappointed.

"Because there's nothing for you to gain from a visit there. There's only pain in that house. And darkness. And bad memories." Sirius swallowed hard but the lump in his throat stubbornly remained in place.

"But that's why I must go there," Regulus said, barely audible.

"I thought you wanted to see Mother's portrait?"

"That too."

Sirius fixed his little brother's eyes. "I don't think it would be good for you to go there," he said pensively. "You don't understand. It's only a portrait, Reg. It's not her. It can't give you anything." _Only her contempt. And you don't deserve that._

"Maybe I need it to move on," Regulus whispered after a while, his eyes not leaving Sirius'. "I know it's not her. I lived with that portrait for two summers, I realized it soon."

Sirius sighed. "No, Regulus." It was unlikely that their mother's portrait hadn't gained knowledge about Regulus living with him now. About Regulus switching sides. And even though it was only a portrait, the voice of his mother, yelling at Regulus, condemning him, it would hurt him. And Sirius wouldn't let his parents hurt his brother. He never had and he would be damned if he started now.

Regulus' eyes narrowed. For a few moments, neither of them spoke.

"I asked you because I hoped that you'd respect my attempt to sort things out for myself. You cannot do it for me." Regulus' voice had hardened. "You think that you know everything but you don't. You can't tell me that you know me better than I know myself."

Sirius exhaled loudly. "Are you being mouthy?"

Regulus shook his head. "No. I'm being honest." And after Sirius thought about it for a moment, he realized that Regulus didn't mean to be disrespectful.

"Then explain to me what exactly you want there. What do you want to ask Mother's portrait? Why would that be important to … move on?"

Regulus shifted on his bed, sat up against the headboard. "No. It's personal. You can come with me and listen if you want but I don't want to talk to _you_ about it."

Sirius huffed. "Fine, then you can forget about going there."

Regulus grimaced. "Never mind, I should've known you'd react like this." The boy averted his face and Sirius could see a grim look manifesting on his sharp profile, despite the room's darkness.

"Reg, please," Sirius tried. "Please don't make us fight right now."

Regulus wouldn't look at him. "I'm not starting a fight. I was trying to be reasonable."

And Sirius knew that Regulus had tried. "You're right," he relented eventually, "Maybe I've been tetchy. I'm sorry." Another apology added to a long line of apologies. "Will it be enough when I promise you that I'll think about it?"

Regulus looked at him again. "That's all I'm asking for."

Sirius wanted to smile but the corners of his mouth wouldn't move a millimetre. Instead, he felt his eyes watering and quickly blinked a few times. Turned his face away.

"Sirius?" Regulus voice was softer this time, concerned.

Sirius brushed a hand over his eyes, keeping his gaze firmly focused on the floor. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

 _No._ "Sure."

Rustling of covers closely behind him. Then, Sirius felt Regulus' hands on his shoulders, gentle. And heard a soft whisper, "No, you're not."

Sirius hung his head, biting his lip to keep the tears from falling. "I'm struggling…" his voice raw, his walls crumbling.

"Because of me? I didn't mean to upset you…"

"No. Not because of you. Because of me. All I do is make a bloody mess." Sirius leaned forwards and hid his face in his hands. Felt Regulus' hands following, it was almost a gentle embrace.

How much he wished he could simply be Reg's brother again.

"I've punished you but in reality, it's all my fault that you feel you can't talk to me. I should've listened to you more, should've handled things differently, I don't know… Merlin, you almost died because I was such a lousy guardian!"

"I'm not angry anymore," Regulus assured quickly. "You can stop feeling guilty now."

Sirius smiled despite the tears in his eyes. "You're not going to hate me forever and ever?"

"That's not funny!" Regulus poked Sirius in the side.

"Ow! – I wasn't joking. But I'm glad you're not," Sirius said, genuine relief in his voice. Then he saddened again. "What is it I'm doing wrong? Why do you feel like you can't talk to me, Reg?"

Regulus removed his hands from Sirius' shoulders and Sirius felt cold immediately. The older boy turned around, saw Regulus crossing his arms above of his chest in some sort of self-hug.

"I already told you." Regulus didn't look at him.

Sirius bit his bottom lip as he inwardly recounted the main points Regulus had made earlier that day. "Is it because of James?" he asked eventually. Held his breath.

Regulus didn't respond. It was every answer Sirius needed.

His first impulse was to defend his best friend. _James is not so bad. You just have to get to know him. He might seem like a bully but he's got his heart in the right place._

But then he realized that having a good relationship with his brother was so much more important than trying to get James and Regulus to like each other just for harmony's sake.

During the last month, he had tried to get Regulus to fit into his circle of friends. He had wanted Regulus to blend in. To assimilate. Because he wanted Reg to have friends like he did, real friends, not those Slytherins he usually hung around. He had hoped that if Regulus adopted his friends, he would have no reason to hang out with Snape and Avery and whoever else Regulus claimed was his _friend_.

But that was worth nothing if it meant that Reg would only shut him out in self-defence. Sirius would rather deal with having to see Crouch's and Rosier's supercilious phizes surrounding his brother from time to time than to lose him. Snape and Avery were a completely different story, though.

"Would you prefer to see me alone at Hogwarts? Just the two of us?"

Regulus looked up, the clouds that had darkened his eyes gave way to a brighter look of surprise. "Without your friends?" he asked hesitantly.

"Just you and me."

"Okay." Regulus tried not to show his excitement in his voice but despite the darkness, Sirius could see that his little brother's eyes were shining brightly.

"Then it's a deal," Sirius said, a smile crossing his face. He looked at Regulus, relished in the moment of connection between them.

"Reg? Can you…" he hesitated, "can you promise me something?"

Regulus kept looking at Sirius what made him feel a bit more confident. "Can you promise me to talk to me? So that this won't happen again. Because… I want you to, really. I don't want you to avoid me or get angry at me for some reason I don't understand. Just talk to me the next time, give us a chance to figure things out together. Please."

Regulus frowned. "I was trying. It's just that you don't listen to me no matter what I say. You never do."

Sirius bit his tongue, swallowed down the defensiveness that he felt. "I promise I will. Though, just because I don't always agree with what you say, doesn't mean I'm not listening. But I'll try harder." he added quickly as he recognized the beginning of a scowl forming on Regulus' face. Talking to Regulus was like walking on thin ice. "And if I'm not, then _make me listen! Make me understand!_ Write it down, tell me that we need to talk, just please don't ignore me again. Maybe I was too dumb to understand what you wanted to say, but freezing me out won't help. It'll only ever end up like it did."

Regulus sighed. "I only wish…"

Sirius looked at him questioningly. "What do you wish, Reg?"

Regulus responded his gaze and took a deep breath. "I wish you…you wouldn't…" he sighed. "I wish you'd simply be my brother again."

"I _am_ your brother, Reg."

"Not in the way you were."

 _The trust in Reg's eyes. It's gone._ Sirius took a breath. "We're older, Reggie. Many things have changed. We have changed. We had to adjust."

"But I knew you at least."

Sirius closed his eyes. "You still know me," he whispered.

"I'm not sure."

Sirius reached out and gently cupped his brother's chin, lifted it up. "Reggie, it wasn't my secret to share with you, if that's what you're talking about. If this had only been about me, I would've told you in a heartbeat. But it wasn't mine to share. It was Remus'."

"I know… It's just… Ah, never mind."

"Actually I do mind. How am I not your brother?"

"You're always James' brother instead. You don't even s-see me…"

"You're confusing something here. James is my best friend. You're my brother. He's not. No one could ever take your place."

"You don't treat me like a brother."

Sirius felt a heavy sadness weigh on him. "I'll be who you need me to be, Reg. I wish I could be your funny big brother all the time but I can't. It's not like I want to fight with you or punish you… that's not who I want to be, Reg. But it's who you need me to be."

"I need you to be my brother," Regulus said firmly.

"I am your brother, Reg. Always," Sirius whispered in response. "You want me to be your partner in crime but I'm your _big brother_ , Reggie. I'm supposed to keep you safe too. It's what big brothers do." _To a certain extent. But we've always been closer than regular brothers. And I've always protected you more than a regular big brother his younger sibling – other children aren't forced to protect their siblings against their own parents._ "I know what you mean. I want that too. But being your guardian is more important than being your partner in crime. And I have to be that for some more time."

Regulus lowered his gaze and Sirius could see the familiar lines forming between his little brother's eyebrows.

"Reg, I'm only worrying so much because I care about you. You obviously have no idea how much you mean to me, how much it means to me that we're together again, a family again. It means the world to me," Sirius whispered. "So maybe I'm overprotective, it's what James thinks –" Sirius quickly continued as he noticed the clear signs of annoyance on his brother's face at the mention of James' name, "- but I only am because I can't imagine my life without you. I never want to miss you again."

Regulus bit his lip. "I miss you now." His eyes, staring at Sirius from across a silent abyss.

"I'm right here," Sirius whispered, his throat not allowing anything louder.

No response. Then, the rustling of covers, Regulus was settling down again, eventually lay on his back, staring holes into the ceiling.

Sirius hung his head, then, rested his elbows on his upper thighs, ready to get up, as he heard his little brother's voice.

"When you went to Hogwarts, and I had to stay back at home with Mother and Father, do you know what I did?"

Sirius turned, looked at his brother. "No," he whispered. "What did you do?"

"I used to talk to you," Regulus said, his eyes still staring into the distance. "Whisper to you. Who else should I talk to? Mother, Father? Kreacher? My toys? I used to talk to your toys instead or pretended you were right next to me, only you were wearing the Invisibility cloak from the story of The Three Brothers."

Sirius swallowed hard. Regulus' voice was so soft and vulnerable, yet at the same time sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away.

"I even wrote a diary so I could tell you about everything when you'd come home and not miss anything. Because Mother and Father wouldn't allow me to send you an owl and a year is a lot to catch up on."

"Do you still have it?"

Regulus shook his head. "I gave it to you, when you came back, a few days into the summer holidays. Don't you remember?"

Sirius felt his insides twist. There was the spark of a memory, but it didn't feel very good. He shook his head, "Not really."

"Maybe it's because you haven't read it. I found it the following autumn, in your desk drawer. You hadn't even looked it, had not even unwrapped it."

"I'm sorry," Sirius mouthed, for the eight-hundredth time, not trusting his voice.

Regulus' eyes flicked towards him, the grey orbs cold suddenly. "It's okay. I threw it away, I mean, seriously, the stuff I wrote was boring anyways. You haven't missed a thing," Regulus stated, matter-of-factly. "Who would like to read about endless days of playing alone, crying alone, eating alone, sleeping alone, oh, yeah, and Mother making me study genealogy and listening to her rant over half-bloods in the Ministry. The event of the day was Kreacher shaking the speaking carpet."

Sirius wanted to apologize again but couldn't open his mouth, couldn't move his tongue, his jaw petrified.

"It's pathetic, isn't it?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, no, not at all," he managed to get past the giant lump in his throat.

"It is. I get why you wouldn't want to waste time spending it with me or talking to me, I was Billy no mates, really. I had nothing to say anymore after a few years, nothing to tell, nothing to give." His eyes and voice were raw now.

"That's not true, Regulu-"

"Uh, I know it is. How would you know? You weren't there. I know I was a loser, a loner, a strange kid, a left-over nobody really wants. Second choice. You'd know it too had you truly been interested in who I had become."

"It's _not true_ , you are none of these things!"

"How would you know?" Regulus said again. "How could you know me? I could just as well be a stranger. A long time has passed."

"You're never a stranger, Reggie. Please don't say that," Sirius begged. He couldn't listen to this anymore, Regulus beating himself up, and for what reason? Regulus lashing out at himself hurt Sirius a hundred times more than it would've had Regulus' anger and disgust been directed at him.

"Don't kid yourself. I've had nine years with you, six without."

Sirius shook his head. "I'm not sure what the – in Merlin's name – is going on in that head of yours, but this is a mindfuck. Think in simpler ways and you'll see the truth, Regulus. Don't let your mind manipulate your heart. Family is not about how much time you spend together. When I first saw you, you had been my brother for a day and I already loved you, so there." _And I'll fucking say it, I love you, doesn't matter whether you want to hear it or not._

"It wasn't enough, though."

Sirius shook his head, said nothing.

Regulus played with the edge of the tapestry that had gotten lose. He tore a small part of it off, the sound caused shivers to run down Sirius' spine. "Nothing is consistent," the younger boy mused. "My life's a mess of choppy chapters and each time a chapter ends, I lose another constant in my life."

"Not anymore," Sirius said firmly. "I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

Regulus pressed his lips to a thin line, not lifting his eyes as he formed the piece of tapestry between his fingertips to a small pellet of paper.

Sirius knew that Regulus' abandonment issues wouldn't be solved as easily as that, an empty promise wouldn't help. His brother was like a cut flower that didn't trust the water and earth it was being provided with for Regulus' roots had been ripped away too many times already for him to build the courage to grow new ones, having been left in a haze of uncertainty each time anew with nothing to anchor him to this world. "I promise you. Do you want me to take the Unbreakable Vow?"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Don't be silly."

"I'm not. I mean it. It won't make a difference anyway, vow or not. I'm not going to leave you again."

"Yeah, so you got the choice to die if you want a way out of this miserable trap." Regulus threw the pellet of paper away, watched it disappear into the darkness of the room until he heard it softly hit the ground somewhere close to the opposite wall.

Sirius felt his blood boil. He leaned near Regulus, eyes blazing. "Don't you ever say that to me," he hissed. "I don't want a way out and this is not a trap. I want what we have now, here! I told you so a hundred times already."

"I'm sorry," Regulus whispered, shrinking away from his older brother, his eyes wide now. "I didn't mean it!"

Sirius leaned back, massaged his temples. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh.

Regulus started kneading his hands nervously. "I'm really sorry. I don't know why I say stuff like that."

"I wish you wouldn't, Reg. But then again, maybe it's a little brother's job to push their big brother's buttons." Sirius cast his little brother a halfway convincing lopsided smile.

Regulus didn't smile back. "I didn't want to say that. I wish I could take it back."

"I know. Let's forget about it, shall we?"

Regulus chewed on his lip. "I'm also sorry for everything I said earlier, and this morning. It's just… There's so much I've missed out on, so much I've lost and I'm reminded of it every single day. I can't let it go and that makes me so angry. I'm always so incredibly angry inside. At me, at you, at everyone and everything. It feels like there's a fiery balloon in my chest that's pushing my ribs out, and with every breath I take it gets closer to the bursting point."

Sirius knew exactly how Regulus felt. He had felt the same way, so many years ago, when they had still lived with their parents. He had lashed out at his brother then, without reason, simply because everything was unfair and the entire world against him. "What can I do, Reg?"

No response.

"Would going back to Grimmauld Place help?" Sirius had to force the words over his lips.

"I hope so," Regulus whispered. "It all leads back there after all."

Sirius held his brother's gaze for another moment. He didn't want this, seeing that house again, especially with his brother. But he saw, in Regulus eyes, the silent plea, the necessity. "Okay," Sirius said finally. _If that's going to fix some of your hurt, it's worth my pain._

Regulus' eyes widened. "Thank you," he said.

Sirius smiled sadly. He stroked over Regulus' unruly mop of hair. It seemed to spark a memory for Regulus because the boy tilted his head and looked at Sirius, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.

"Dude, have you watched me sleep earlier?" he asked suddenly.

Sirius coughed. "Uh –"

"You can be such a girl, Sirius," Regulus grinned cheekily.

Sirius shook his head at how easily his brother seemed to bounce back. "What am I going to do with you?"

Regulus smirked, stretched himself out comfortably. "You can buy me a pet. And a new broom."

"I think someone wants to be thrown into the waste bin," Sirius said, a genuine smile flitting across his face. He plopped down on the bed next to his brother and tugged the surprised boy into his arms. "Who's the girl now," he smiled as Regulus pretended to struggle against the forced hug.

"You are," Regulus insisted.

"Am I?" Sirius lightly tickled Regulus' side. Regulus let out a high-pitched shriek. _Like hell I don't know you, little one._ "Who's the girl, Reggie?"

"Not me, you complete dolt," Regulus laughed as he frantically tried to loosen Sirius' hold around his torso. "Let me go!"

"Nope. Not until you say it," Sirius grinned as he intensified the torture.

Eventually, Regulus snapped for air, fits of laughter shaking his body, the covers long kicked away. "U-uncle," he gasped, "please, I need to – breathe!"

"Fine." Sirius allowed him a break while soft giggles lightened the room up and banished the darkness.

Sometime later, Sirius was about to get up and let his little brother sleep, Regulus spoke up once more.

"Sirius?"

"M-hm?" Sirius stretched out his arms, yawned.

"I still talk to you," Regulus confessed shyly.

"What?"

"When I'm alone and I miss you, I still talk to you, in my head." Regulus blushed. "You probably think that's really weird."

"No, I don't. I only wish you would talk to the real me too so I can say something back," Sirius responded.

"I'm trying."

"I know," said Sirius. Regulus had tried, today. And Sirius was grateful for it. "Thank you for trusting me, little brother."

 **A/N: Uh… Yeah. What am I supposed to say? Sorryyy…*slides to her knees and begs for forgiveness*. To my defense(a poor one, I know), uni started and poor me got dragged to about every party that took place in the area by my evil fellow students. – Oh, no need to beweep me, dear readers. I'm still alive and kicking. I hope to be slightly more productive the next month but exam time is approaching with fast, menacing strides and when it comes to time management, let's just say we're not the best of acquaintances. I'm NOT ABANDONING this story, though!**

 **I hope some of you are still reading. If you are – double sorry for the depressing chapter. Thanks to all the reviewers, especially the guest reviewers who loyally checked the story for an update. YOU ROCK!**


	27. Carnival of Rust

London had not yet seen the sun's face that day, heavy, grey rainclouds covered the sky like a thick blanket. Fog had settled in the streets, suffocating every building at their base, blurring the city like an old photograph. The everyday sights stood mysterious and cold. Grimmauld Place was silent that day, eerily silent. From time to time darker shadows moved quickly, the quickly repeated sound of footsteps, disappearing again.

So it came to pass that the two boys were heard first before they were seen, their footsteps loud on the wet asphalt. Looking astonishingly similar, even a random stranger would've recognized them as brothers on first sight. There was something strange about them, sure, a person who'd just pass them by wouldn't notice a thing aside from the fact that their style of clothing was a bit peculiar as they wore those long, black robes, but he wouldn't have wasted a second thought on it.

And, even though the two went unnoticed by humans, they couldn't escape the watchful eyes of a black cat that lounged close to one of the chimneys, enjoying the dirty warmth. The cat, having nothing better to do anyways, deemed them worthy of her attention, as there was something off with them, not in a bad way, but they were different than the other humans she usually watched going their ways.

How the smaller one, focused on his destination, walked with fast, long strides; how the taller one with the long hair reluctantly followed, his expression a picture of dread.

They approached number 12, which was shimmering through the magical wards. Humans seemed to avoid it, the cat had observed that during the years she had spent living in this street. But not these two, obviously. The cat narrowed her eyes, now she recognized the aura that surrounded the boys. It was magic, not unlike the one that protected the house. Was it theirs?

"Regulus," the taller one hissed. "Wait –"

The younger boy had already climbed up the few stairs to the battered front door of 12 Grimmauld Place. He turned around. "Sirius?"

Sirius looked extremely uncomfortable, his face pale as he placed a steadying hand on the iron banister rail, examining the shabby door painted black, noticed the scratches in the exfoliating paint. "Please – wait…"

Regulus looked down at his brother. "It's going to be okay, Sirius," he said softly, yet he did not seem to be inclined to wait as was his brother's plea.

"I- Just, Reg, one moment. Are you sure you want to – I mean, we could simply go back and have a nice day –"

"You don't have to come."

Sirius instantly climbed one stair upwards. "No, you're not doing this alone." His voice was firmer this time, determined.

The cat could sympathise with the taller one. She wouldn't let her kitten go in there alone either, the house was dark and gloomy and not at all inviting.

Sirius climbed the rest of the stairs until he stood next to his little brother. He eyeballed first Regulus, then the door knocker that was in the form of a twisted, silver serpent.

"You said yes," Regulus made clear.

"I know."

"You can't change your mind now."

" _I know_. I'm not."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

Sirius exhaled, annoyed now. "Stop whining!"

"I'm not whining!"

"For Merlin's sake, Regulus…" Sirius ran a hand over his face, then through his hair, tucking the long strands behind his ears in the process. "Okay. Fine. Brilliant. We'll go in, look around for a bit –"

Regulus was already reaching for his wand. Sirius grabbed his hand and held it back. "And, when I say that it's time to _leave,_ we'll go home, no arguments. Clear?"

"Uh-huh." Regulus' eyes, as his mind, were solely focused on the dark wooden door in front of him, eager to enter.

"I said _are we clear?_ " Sirius sounded stern now.

"Yeeeees," Regulus groaned, but then, he turned his head to glare at Sirius and – "Don't be afraid," he said instead, his eyes softening as soon as he took in the anxiety in his older brother's expression.

"I'm not," Sirius said, face as white as chalk, eyes dark and deep.

For a few seconds, neither of them spoke or moved. Then, taking another deep breath, summoning up all his courage, Sirius took out his wand and tapped against the door once. The door gave a screeching sound and many loud, metallic clicks could be heard that caused a shiver to run down Sirius' spine. Eventually, it creaked open.

Together they entered their childhood home, Sirius first, Regulus closely behind him.

The long, gloomy corridor that lay in front of them was in almost complete darkness and only when Sirius waved his wand, the flickering gas lamps along the walls, not having been used for months, sputtered into life unwillingly, like they had been woken up in the middle of the night. The cobwebby chandelier high above their heads bathed the age-blackened portraits that hung crooked on the walls in a spectral light. Thick layers of dust covered everything like a grey blanket and Sirius had to resist to urge to touch the surface of the rickety table nearby, to draw a line with the tip of his finger. The sweetish, rotting smell was the most overpowering sensation, though. It made Sirius' stomach turn.

Regulus wrinkled his nose. "We should open the windows," he said.

Sirius nodded absentmindedly. He hadn't moved far from the door yet, and stood, petrified, near the threshold. As Regulus made a move to walk down the corridor, Sirius felt the almost irresistible urge to grab his brother and hold him back. He reached out but Regulus was already too far away. _Wait -_

"Who is this?" Their mother's voice, demanding, cutting through the silence like a sharp knife.

Regulus' head whipped around. Sirius, on the other hand, stood rooted to the spot, unable to breathe, unable to say a word and now it was too late, as soon as she'd see them she'd hurt his brother. In this moment, Regulus seemed so incredibly fragile, so soft; the feeling of self-worth Sirius had tried to strengthen in him, one word of her could destroy it all. She could break him like she had Sirius.

"It's me, Mother," Regulus said, approaching the picture.

"Regulus! Finally, my son. I wondered where you have been, I was worried!" Their mother. She looked just like they remembered her, her skin a bit yellowish, her black eyes deep and piercing. She'd already been sick when the portrait had been painted, shortly before her demise, and that showed.

Walburga Black looked at her youngest son accusingly.

"I'm sorry Mother," Regulus replied.

"Where have you been?" No joy traceable in her voice about seeing her son again. Only that demanding tone.

Regulus hesitated, his gaze flicked over to where Sirius stood, hidden from the portrait's view. "I was with Sirius."

A short pause. " _What_? I must have misunderstood you –"

"No, Mother, you heard right. I was with my brother." Regulus straightened up, prepared himself for what would come.

"That traitorous piece of scum? He is no brother no you, Regulus, clearly, you must have lost your mind," their mother's portrait exclaimed.

"That's not true," Regulus said firmly. "And he _is_ my brother."

Sirius, who had felt like he was caught in a nightmare, started to wonder how absurd things could get. It was astonishing how Regulus' entire posture changed, the expression in his eyes determined, protective even. Sirius' little brother, who, a few moments ago, had seemed so soft was now firm and strong.

"Excuse me?!" She thundered.

Regulus looked at Sirius. "Did you love, Mother?" he asked, not taking his eyes from his brother.

 _Did you love anyone, at all?_

"What question! Clearly, you have forgotten all your manners in only a few months! If your father was here –"

"Well, he isn't," Regulus interjected tartly. "I am your son, am I not? Don't I have the right to ask?"

"You are my son," she affirmed.

"Then why is this a problem? Did you care about us at all, Sirius and me?"

"DON'T mention his name," she shrieked. "He is dead to us!"

Regulus flinched. "He's not. He's there for me. _You're_ the one who's dead," he hissed whereas Sirius called his name, "Regulus –"

Regulus turned his head, looked at his brother again. The portrait of their mother's head whipped around at the sound of Sirius' voice.

"YOU! It's you again, shame of my flesh, haven't I told you to never show your despicable face in this house again?"

Sirius flinched hard, fighting against the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness. He'd never wanted Regulus to see this again, how their mother treated him. Even though she was only a shadow caught in a picture frame.

Regulus kept staring at the portrait. "How can you treat him like that," he said. "He's your son."

"Let it be, Reg," Sirius whispered, not trusting his voice enough to find the courage and speak up loudly. His mother's words sat like a giant lump in his throat, taking his breath away. Though Sirius was sure it was only the air in this house, it made him sick.

"How? We gave him everything, and what did we get in response? He besmirched our name, the traitor, ungrateful, a shame he is –" their mother's face was contorted in disgust.

"Why?" said Regulus, "why is the name so much more important than we are?"

Her eyes widened and she leaned as close to Regulus as the picture frame would allow her. "You are out of your senses, clearly, he has been manipulating you," she said patronizingly, but then her voice got strangely soft, mellowing even. " _You_ are the name, my son, my heir, my legacy. Do not wander from the path, don't you remember what I taught you?"

Regulus lowered his gaze. "I remember, Mother."

"Then tell me if it is a crime to expect the best of your child when it is given only the best, treated like a prince, and then be disappointed when you have to see that it spits on everything you value!"

Regulus kept silent.

"It is not a crime," their mother answered her own question. "He was not worthy of our name. He didn't even want it, and now he is complaining? Is taking your inheritance? All this," she motioned around, "it is rightfully yours, Regulus, my _only_ son. He never cared about anything, and now he is trying to draw you away from us, only to spite us. What has he done to you that you would consider turning on us as well? What lies has he been telling you?"

"I haven't told him any lies," Sirius barked, finally getting free from the stupor he was caught in. He approached Regulus, put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "I don't lie to you, Reg, you know that," he said almost beseechingly. _Please don_ _t believe her._

"I know," Regulus said reassuringly.

"Get your filthy hands off him," their mother spat. She turned back to Regulus. "This is his way to pay us back, Regulus," she hissed scornfully. "Remember that _he_ was the one who left this family, for a bunch of blood traitors, mudbloods, and whatnot. He ran away, like a coward. He abandoned all of us, after everything we've done for him. Filth he is, a shame, rotten to the core. He is not worth your notice, my son."

"He came back for me."

"Don't lie to yourself. He never came back because of you. He's enjoying himself like this, isn't he? Ordering you around, pretending that he wasn't a traitor, acting like he deserves your respect. Pretending he's doing you a favour, isn't he?"

Sirius' hand on Regulus' shoulder stiffened, his fingers started to bear into Regulus' muscles. Regulus could sense the anger radiating from his brother and tried to pull his shoulder out of Sirius' grip. "You better watch it, or I'll rip your fucking portrait to shreds," Sirius growled. He'd had enough.

"Yes, yes, the bastard, he's claiming to be the lawful heir but and it is _you_ he's withholding your inheritance from," their mother continued, ignoring Sirius completely.

"He's not," Regulus said while Sirius took hold of his wrist instead and hissed "Let us go, Reg, it's pointless to argue with her –"

"Get out of my house!" Their mother's portrait shrieked at Sirius. "Filthy traitor, get out of my house!"

"Don't call him that!" Regulus angrily ripped his hand out of Sirius' hold. "And it's not your house anymore! It's ours!"

She snarled. " _Ours?_ Like the two of you would share it, he has no right to claim any of this as his, even less claim you his brother–"

"Shut the fuck UP, you horrible old hag," Sirius roared and reached for Regulus again. "We're leaving!" he announced. "I've had enough of this bullshit…"

Regulus slipped away this time, backed into the direction of the staircase. "Not yet, Sirius."

"Regulus –"

"I only want to go upstairs. After that, we can go." Regulus quickly climbed up the stairs, leaving Sirius, who was angrily calling his name, no choice but to follow him upstairs.

"You bloody promised me," Sirius ranted as he reached the final stairs to the topmost landing. "This was a bad idea! I should've known, no, actually I _did know_ what would happen; I told you I didn't like the idea of going back here and look what happened –"

Regulus, who had turned around to wait for Sirius (after Sirius had told him to, more than once), interrupted him. "I'm sorry okay? But you didn't have to come. I didn't force you."

Sirius looked pissed. "You promised me! My condition to come here was that when I say we go we bloody go! And what do you do? The contrary of what you're told, of course!"

Regulus crossed his arms in front of his chest, somehow angry now too. "What's your problem anyway? It's only an empty house and a portrait. It was even you who said so."

Sirius ran a hand across his face, took a deep breath, tried to steady his nerves. "You know exactly how much I hate this house," he said. "And then you start playing around downstairs… What's the purpose of riling up a portrait?"

Sirius' eyes, haunted. Regulus noticed that just now. Sirius, he was vulnerable, here, in this house. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I would've preferred to come here alone. I didn't want you to get hurt."

Sirius looked away, a pathetic feeling washing over him at the sound of pity in his brother's voice. Silence reigned for a few moments.

"Go on then, what are you waiting for?" he pressed out. "The faster you're done the sooner we can get out of this bloody hellhole."

Regulus sighed. He knew that his brother was stressed and didn't mean to sound so harsh. Sirius didn't usually swear so much, only when he was really upset. And Regulus truly was sorry that Sirius didn't like this, but on the other hand, he also didn't have to be here, he'd chosen to.

 _He_ _s doing this for you. He doesn_ _t want you to feel alone here._ Regulus cast his brother a hesitant smile. "Do you want us to see my room first or yours?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, impatiently. "I don't care," he muttered grimly, with his stance tense, like he was expecting a monster to jump at them the second they opened a door.

Regulus let his gaze wander, ran his fingers across the wooden surface of the commode next to him, traced along its rolling edges. Their uncle Alphard had told them that it was an heirloom their mother had gotten from their great-great-aunt. It hadn't always stood in the hallway, no, during the time when they had still been so little that they had shared a room, it had stood against the wall next to their room's door. Regulus had always loved its dark, beautiful look.

"Do you remember that we kept the dragon and Merlin figurines in here? The lowest drawer, wasn't it? The shared drawer." Regulus clearly remembered the top drawer being Sirius' (and Sirius being very strict about that – _This drawer is forbidden for you, Reg!_ ), the middle drawer his own, and the lowest drawer the one for shared toys.

"Only after you got so attached and wanted to have them. Originally, they were _mine_ ," Sirius corrected his brother.

"They were not!" Regulus frowned.

"Oh, believe me, they were. You simply can't remember because you were only a little doodlebug then."

"Shuddup." Still, Regulus couldn't help but grin slightly.

Obviously, that was a mistake, because big brother smelled fun. "I remember when you were still a teeny-weeny tiny little baby," Sirius chaffed. "We kept your diapers in the top drawer, did you know?"

Regulus made a face. "Stop it!"

Sirius leant against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, somebody doesn't seem to be able to remember? Probably better so – for you!"

Regulus' groan made Sirius chuckle.

"Do you know why the middle drawer was yours?"

Regulus shook his head.

"Because you were too small to reach inside the top drawer, I put all my good stuff in there to protect it from your sticky little hands, and moved your diapers and other baby utensils" – Regulus groaned again – "to the lowest drawer. Can you imagine that you were _that_ little!" Sirius held his hand horizontally to describe what had been Regulus' height. "I could easily pick you up and carry you around."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Great. I'm glad that's over."

Sirius grinned. "You think so? I could still lift you up, Reggie. Without any problems."

Regulus glared at his brother.

"You better not," he mumbled.

Sirius laughed

Regulus felt the urge to change the topic as this one held far too much potential for embarrassment. Thus, he quickly knelt and opened the lowest drawer.

"Look," he said, smiling as he opened his hand and revealed a handful of dry, dusty Skeletal Sweets. "I bet these have been here for at least three or four years. Are they yours or mine?"

Sirius wrinkled his nose, shook his head. "No idea."

"Must be Kreacher's, then," Regulus smiled. Uh-oh, even Sirius deemed them nasty. And for Sirius, saying no to sweets? That was a first. Regulus grinned as an idea formed in his mind. "Do you dare try them?" Like Sirius would say no to a dare.

Sirius bit his lip. "Uh…" He took a closer look at the sweets. Dust and some ripped-off spider webs had collected themselves between the tiny bones. Otherwise, they looked as though they were solid as rocks.

"Of course, if you're not up to it…" Regulus shrugged. "Since they sure look nasty, it wouldn't be such a great shame to _chicken out_ "

Sirius' eyes gained a determined glimmer. He grabbed the sweets and stuffed them all at once into his mouth. "Who are you calling chicken," he mumbled, chewed a few times, cracking sounds could be heard, then he swallowed hard, grimacing.

Regulus chuckled. _Gryffindors_. "I guess you're a hero now," he remarked dryly.

Sirius coughed, raised his arm and wiped his tongue on his sleeve. "That tasted like spider webs and dust, ugh." He saw the cheeky grin on his brother's face. "Oh, shut up," he muttered, but then grinned back.

Sirius' playful mood didn't last long. When Regulus entered his own room, Sirius only followed very reluctantly; his mouth pinched, he leant against the wall and watched his younger brother roam around.

"Are you looking for something in particular?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

Regulus put a book on his bed, where by now a small pile of things was spread out neatly on the bedsheets. "Yeah," he replied. "I'm looking for things I want to take with me."

Sirius coughed. "Take with you?" he echoed his brother's words. "And when did you plan to tell me about that?" He approached the bed and suspiciously regarded the objects.

"They're mine. I don't have to tell you," Regulus said matter-of-factly.

"Is that so," mumbled Sirius as he picked up a heavy, bound book and opened it. " _Reaching the nucleus: Different layers of the mind_ ," he read aloud, his eyebrows raised high.

Regulus silently snatched the book out of Sirius' hands and put it back on the bed.

"Since when are you interested in mind magic?" Sirius asked.

"Father gave it to me," Regulus explained, shrugging.

Sirius' upper lip curled but he refrained from investigating any further. Instead, he let his gaze wander along the walls, took in the green velvet curtains and the noble furniture, everything was kept in dark shades, emerald and silver the only colours in the room, yet they were not brightening it. This room, it was the polar opposite to Sirius'. Every little object screamed _Slytherin_ , from the curtains, the pictures on the wall, and the books sorted in classified order to the cut-out newspaper articles which, pinned against the wall, created a ragged collage.

A room, almost prim, clinical. Yet Regulus seemed to feel at home here, he moved freely, his eyes bright as he placed treasured possessions on the bed.

Sirius skimmed the headlines of a few of the newspaper cuttings. _Threat of terrorism at the Quidditch World Cup. Violence spreads. Muggle family murdered. Dark Wizards on the rise._

Regulus hadn't put these articles on there to record the damage done by the movement. He put them there because he had admired their actions. Had idolized their leader. Had wanted to become one of his feared, masked followers.

And they would've got him if it hadn't been for Sirius and their father's death.

Really, it had been five minutes before midnight for Regulus.

Sirius had to look away. His lonely little brother, in need of someone who guided him. Who had only wanted somewhere where he could belong.

"Toujours pur, huh," Sirius read aloud, his gaze now manifested on the Black family crest that was painted over the bed, with the family motto drawn just below it.

Regulus stopped dead in his tracks, raised his gaze. Looked at Sirius, silently; the glint in his eyes at the first sight of his room gone.

 _Was that really you? How is that possible?_ Sirius couldn't help but wonder. It had been so easy to block out the fact that, only a few months ago, Regulus had been an entirely different person. It had been easier to push the memories of Regulus, dressed in a black cloak, a death eater mask hiding his young face, to the back of Sirius' mind.

 _How far we have come, little brother._ Sirius tried for a faint smile. Regulus looked at his feet as shame carved its way into his features.

Sirius took a deep breath. "Looks like you really were a fan of all of this…" he motioned around.

Regulus kept his head down.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. He pushed himself away from the wall, walked to his brother, gently touched his shoulder.

The contact felt like an electric jolt to Regulus and the boy jumped. Sirius withdrew his hand instantly.

Regulus felt his face heat up. He turned away and started to stuff the things into a magically-extending bag, his movements tense and jerky. Sirius seemed so surprised. Regulus hadn't thought about this, about how this room would appear to Sirius. It hadn't seemed so bad the last time Regulus had seen it. On the contrary, he'd always thought that his room was quite cool. Which it still was, all in all, but… there were some things in it that caused his stomach to turn, and which he only wanted to get rid of.

This room, it had once represented how Regulus liked to see himself. Today, it made him wonder how he could've been so naïve.

And then the expression of shock, even abhorrence in Sirius' eyes at the sight of this room, at the realization of who Regulus had been.

Regulus couldn't look at Sirius anymore. _You don_ _t know half of the things that I_ _ve done._

Just like always, Sirius sensed Regulus' discomfort instantly and allowed him his space. The older boy sat down on the bed, looked at the ceiling.

At least the ceiling had remained unchanged. It was still exactly like Sirius remembered it from all the evenings when he had lain here, his sleepy little brother in his arms who had demanded for Sirius to read him a story despite his eyelids being already so heavy that Sirius basically carried him to bed.

Curled up next to him, the precious, warm bundle that was his little brother; Sirius' words transporting the child into a world of dreams while he slumbered safely in Sirius' arms. Sirius could almost feel it, so vivid was the memory.

On the wall to Sirius' right, a painted picture of an armour-clad knight slaying a dragon had hung; the picture had been filled to the brim with colour and adventure. Regulus had taken it off after he'd started school (had deemed it too childish), but Sirius recognized the slight markings on the tapestry where the spellotape had been ripped off.

This room, it wasn't as dark as it had appeared at first, not really. Good memories were hidden here too, one simply had to look a bit closer.

This place had been a home to him, once. This house. Maybe not every room of it, but this one had, because of Reg.

Home.

This place wasn't evil. Sirius realized that now. It was only his memories that made it appear like that, memories of his parents. On the other hand, there were precious memories here Sirius would've forgotten about otherwise. Regulus, laughing, playing with his dragon figurines. The both of them jumping high on the bed. Wrestling with Reg, playfully most of the time. Memories of Regulus smiling, smiling that magical, sincere smile, his eyes bright. Sirius felt like he had spent years of his life tickling that smile out of his brother, only to see it again, the light in Reg's eyes, the love, and he had absorbed it like a sponge, had been addicted to it, like a moth to a lightbulb.

All these things that sparked memories, they were telling a story of what had been and how much their lives had changed.

Sirius closed his eyes, felt himself relax. Felt his pulse calm down as the tenseness left his body. They were safe; there was no danger here, it was all in the past. Their parents were gone, they wouldn't return.

Right now, here were only him and Reg.

They climbed down the stairs again, leaving out Sirius' room for neither of them was eager to see it.

Regulus only wanted to leave. Memories, everywhere. Sirius, crying, in his room, Regulus listening on the door, sometimes going in to console him, sometimes not, but tears running down his own cheeks every single time at the sounds of his brother sobbing.

All those times he had sat on the stairs, huddled up, his hands gripping the balusters tightly as he secretly watched the events that unfolded themselves in the drawing room, fingers twitching at the sounds. Regulus had never intervened, had never defended his brother, not once. But he hadn't been able to stay away, to ignore it, thus had instead listened while praying that it would end soon.

Sirius had almost never cried during the countless beatings he'd received. Regulus had admired that about him, how Sirius could, even after a beating, look into their parents' eyes, his body bruised and broken but never his pride. Never his will. He hadn't allowed them to see his pain.

This silent suffering, the desperate sobs later, in the privacy of Sirius' room, they haunted Regulus up to the present day. Sirius had only ever allowed Regulus see his pain, no one else. And Regulus had consoled him, sometimes.

In the coming years, on the other hand, he had started to look down at Sirius. Had rebuked him even. _Why did you have to rile them up again? Couldn_ _t you leave it alone? Why do you always have to defy them? It_ _s always you who brings discord into the family!_

It was true, he'd left him alone, just like Sirius had said, yesterday. Regulus knew that it was true.

Sirius, the scapegoat. Not only their parents' but Regulus' too. A valve for his anger. He'd been ashamed of Sirius, embarrassed by his being different. He had pushed him away even though the only thing Regulus had wanted was to be loved by Sirius. He had pushed him away too far.

That this love could break under all the pressure, he'd never considered that a possibility. He'd taken Sirius for granted, as he had his love.

 ***Regulus** **memory** **July 1975***

Twelve-year-old Regulus opened his room's door a tiny crack.

It was completely dark, yet, as his eyes accustomed themselves to the darkness, he easily identified his brother who was carrying his trunk towards the staircase, careful to avoid the creaking planks, but not careful enough. Not that it was necessary for Regulus to see his brother to know that it was him. He'd overheard the steps, the door to Sirius' room opening and closing a few times, then, his brother rummaging around.

At first, Regulus had groaned. Sirius was seeking trouble again. He wasn't allowed out of his room, especially after what he'd done yesterday, how he'd behaved in front of their parents' guests, the Rowles. Should their parents see him now, the shit would hit the fan. Not that Regulus was sympathetic, of course. Sirius really was stupid, he never learned from his mistakes. Their parents were thinking that Sirius was a hopeless case, and Regulus had to admit – they were probably right.

So Regulus had gotten up, a bit annoyed, and observed his brother putting down his trunk at the top of the stairs, rushing back into his room, emerging a few moments later with his coat around his shoulders.

Regulus felt his throat tighten. Sirius wanted to leave.

He'd said so, yesterday, screamed it at their parents. It was rare for Sirius to lose his cool like that, to get all emotional and not only sarcastic and bitter. Regulus wasn't quite sure what exactly Sirius had been so upset about. The Rowles' youngest daughter had turned out to be a squib, and what kind of parents would _not_ seek revenge? Mudbloods had stolen the poor girl's magic, and the only thing Sirius was upset about was her parents hunting them down? It was absurd, Regulus could not comprehend it.

Maybe Sirius was soft in that way. Regulus too had, even though he didn't like to admit it, felt a bit sick at the descriptions of what the Rowles had done to that mudblood girl and her muggle parents that lived in the neighbourhood. It had been necessary to set an example, though, that was crystal clear to Regulus. Wizards needed to protect their magic.

Regulus kept himself hidden as he watched Sirius manhandle his trunk down the stairs; the fifteen-year-old managed to be incredibly quiet as he did so, expertly avoiding the creaking steps.

Regulus followed him, keeping a safe distance. Was Sirius really meaning it? When he reached the third floor, he debated waking their parents. That would mean another beating for Sirius, sure. But their parents would make sure that Sirius stayed where he belonged.

Belonged? Regulus shook his head at his thoughts. Where did Sirius belong? Sirius had belonged here, once. But it wasn't like Regulus would miss him, he almost never came across him anyways during the summer months, barely noticed his presence. Without Sirius, their lives would be the same, only calmer. No fighting, no yelling, no beatings.

But Regulus wasn't a tell-tale. He'd barely ever snitched on Sirius because, even though their parents certainly had the right to correct their son how they deemed right, Regulus didn't like it. He hated it, so much. Didn't matter that Sirius and he had barely spoken during the last years, because sometimes, Regulus remembered about the way Sirius had been before the blood traitors had taken him. He didn't do it often, though, because it hurt too much. The brother he once had was a painful memory to bring up.

Judged by the sounds of it, Sirius had reached the second floor, and Regulus quickly tiptoed past the master bedroom and followed his brother on his way downstairs.

Sirius wouldn't be away for long, surely not. When he'd wanted to move in with the Potters a year ago, Mr. Potter had brought him back after their parents had sent them an angry letter. The Potters wouldn't take Sirius, not for long, and why should they? Sirius meant trouble.

It was only that, yesterday, their mother had said that if Sirius left, he shouldn't bother coming back, that he'd be dead to them. And their mother usually meant what she said.

Regulus had trouble keeping up with his brother for Sirius' steps had quickened now after he had safely passed their parents' bedroom. In his hurry, he hit his bare foot against the corner of the bookshelf on the first floor. He winced, bit his tongue as fiery pain shot pulsated through his foot.

Sirius must've heard that since he hurried up and quickly dragged his trunk down the last few stairs, not caring that he could be heard well up into the first floor. Regulus ignored the pain, he sprinted after Sirius, panic gripping him, turning his brain into a soup of _Don't!_ and _No!_

Regulus reached Sirius just in time as the older boy was about to open the front door. Sirius spun around, at first there was relief showing on his face at the sight of Regulus but quickly nerviness replaced it and made his gaze restless.

"Did you tell them?" Sirius' voice a strained whisper, his eyes flickering towards the staircase.

Regulus shook his head. There was so much he'd wanted to say, to his brother. For a moment, he wanted to beg him to stay. _We can be like we used to be. Everything will be fine then._

Regulus studied the dark bruise that ran from Sirius' left eye across his swollen cheek down to his split lip. Then, he took in his brother's eyes. Those hurting, cold eyes. "Sirius," he said, nothing more.

"Go back to bed, Regulus," Sirius whispered, his voice strangely raw.

Regulus shook his head. "You can't leave," he pressed out. Sirius ignored him, was about to turn back to the door –

"One more step and I'll call for Mother and Father."

Sirius' entire presence darkened, his eyes glinting dangerously, causing Regulus to shrink back. "You're just like them," Sirius hissed as he collared Regulus and pushed him against the wall. "Think you can tell me what to do? Think you own me?"

Regulus felt his throat constrict; fear paralyzed his body for a moment. Nevertheless, he was almost sure Sirius wouldn't really hurt him, Sirius never did. But there was a trace of hate in Sirius' eyes. Disgust, directed at Regulus. The twelve-year-old got once more painfully aware of the hole that had been carved into his heart over the years, the vast space where, once, a brother had been.

Sirius let him go a second later, looking sick. "Go back to bed," Sirius said once more, his grey eyes haunted. "Or I can petrify you and you'll stand here for the remainder of the night. Your choice."

Regulus got deeply upset. But instead of crying, he lashed out, focused his anger at the teenager in front of him. "You're being so selfish," he hissed. "You're only thinking of yourself!"

Sirius opened the door, the cold breeze caused Regulus, who was standing there only in his pyjamas, to shiver. "Fine, then go. I certainly won't miss you, and Mother and Father won't miss you either," he spat. Wanted to hurt Sirius, hurt him, hurt him, hurt him, for making him feel like this.

Sirius grimaced at the _I won't miss you_. "Then why do you care?"

"I don't!" Anger, hurt, bubbling, intermingling in Regulus' stomach. "I don't care about traitors!" Raw pain, transformed to anger, he only wanted to get rid of it.

Sirius flinched. "Traitors," he echoed. Their parents had been calling Sirius traitor for a while now, but it was the first time that Regulus said it.

It was like something finally broke.

"Then I guess this _traitor_ won't bother you again. Farewell."

Helplessly, Regulus watched as Sirius turned, and, without a last look, left, the door snapped shut; the sound made Regulus jump.

This was really happening, Sirius was leaving. For real. But it couldn't be!

Regulus was running before he knew it, out of the door and down the stairs and into the street. "Sirius!" He called his brother's name, standing there, his feet bare, over him only the night sky, charcoal black, but Regulus didn't see it, didn't feel the coldness, he only felt the despair, the fear, gripping him to the marrow.

Sirius didn't turn around. He simply didn't turn around, like Regulus was air.

"Traitor!" Regulus shouted. "You bloody traitor!"

Sirius kept walking. Ignored Regulus who felt like the ground fell out from underneath his feet. Who felt a tide of hate taking hold of him, washing over him, drowning him. "Yeah, run away! Run away, you _coward_ ; you stupid traitor, go and leave, I don't need you!" His voice was quavering.

There he stood, alone, abandoned. Sirius, walking like he didn't exist. Walking out of Regulus' life, literally. How could he? How dared he!

Leaving Regulus all on his own, cutting deep into the twelve-year-old's heart. Regulus didn't even realize that he was crying. "I hate you," he screamed at the retreating figure. "I HATE YOU!"

Words that left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth as his last glint of hope disappeared into the night.

 ***End of memory***

 _You left me too_. Sirius' words, said in anger.

Regulus wished he could turn back time. Could, only once, stand up for Sirius. Defend him. Tell him that he loved him despite his being a Gryffindor. He should've told him that it didn't matter to him, shouldn't have listened to Mother and repeated her words.

He regretted not having done something when he had the chance.

It was true that he'd only received and barely given anything back.

They reached the first floor. Regulus opened the door to the drawing room, then, froze. Sirius, who had been following closely, bumped into him. "What's up?"

Regulus shook his head. "Not this room," he croaked.

"Why not?" Sirius grew curious, Regulus knew. Then, the older boy squeezed past Regulus, flicked the lights on. "Bit dirty? What is Kreacher doing all the time? If he's still alive that is..."

Sirius strode across the room, parted the moth-eaten curtains in front of the long windows that faced the street. A cloud of dust was whirled up and caused Sirius to cough again. Their father seemed to have neglected this house badly, after their mother's death. Sirius wiped the cobwebs that had attached themselves to his fingers when he'd touched the curtains off on the wall while a few bugs did a runner. "Vermin everywhere. Oh well, as long as we're not carrying Doxies back home, it doesn't _bug_ me." He smiled at the pun.

"Maybe we should go," Regulus said, a hint of urgency in his voice. "You're clearly getting sick, we should go…"

"I'm fine," Sirius responded. "Don't worry about me. You wanted to see the house, didn't you? Now's your chance." He bent down a bit, studied a yellowed picture on the coffee table that showed their parents, still very young, looking into the camera with serious expression. Their mother stunningly beautiful with long, wavy hair that stood out against her lily white wedding dress, her expression haughty yet their father, so incredibly young - visibly younger than her - and almost a doppelganger of Sirius, he even showed traces of an incredulous smile, still hesitant to lay his arm around the ravishing beauty next to him. The young man couldn't have been older than Sirius now, their parents had married young. But their father in particular seemed so… human, which was weird, found Sirius, for their father had always been a monster to him.

Next to the picture lay their father's silver-rimmed reading glasses, an old, grimy black pipe decorated with twisted silver serpents, and an issue of the daily prophet, dated 14th June 1977. Maybe he'd died here, sitting in his armchair, reading about the events of the day, a photo of their mother nearby.

Sirius had always wished a cruel death upon the man he hated to call father. But this seemed fitting too, Orion Black, dying alone and being forgotten in this dreary, neglected house, his wife gone, his sons too. After all the effort to control his sons, he had lost them in the end. _Are you happy now? Is this what you always wanted?_

As he looked up, Sirius noticed that Regulus hadn't moved away from the door, merely nervously glimpsed at the family tree tapestry, then looked back at Sirius, who was still unaware of the crucial change it had undergone after he had left their family home for good.

Sirius looked at his little brother, puzzled, then, followed Regulus' gaze to the tapestry.

His eyes widened.

He approached the tapestry, his eyes fixed on the place where a burn mark had replaced his face. Sirius raised his hand and ran his fingers across the black spot, felt the deep, angry burn mark his mother had left there, the spell so violent that it had even left traces in the wall, carved into it like scratches. Stared at it, his thoughts miles away.

It was obvious to Regulus that Sirius could tell exactly what had happened that day. The way how their mother had burned Sirius' face from the family tree had been a hundred times more violent than the one time when she'd declared Andromeda dead to the family.

It had been the symbolic execution of his brother. _He is dead to us_. Sirius' ultimate punishment, acting as a deterrent for Regulus.

Their parents had hated Sirius, hated him like poison, Regulus realized that now.

Sirius was steadying himself with one hand against the wall. It seemed like he had similar thoughts.

Regulus hesitated only a moment, then walked to his brother and placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius turned, took his little brother in. "Were you present when she did it?"

Regulus nodded.

"That must've been awful," Sirius mumbled. "Despite you hating me at the time."

Regulus didn't respond. It had been awful, but nothing compared to the void in his heart that Sirius had left when he'd gone away. _I didn't hate you._

"I should've taken you with me," Sirius said firmly.

Regulus shook his head. "They wouldn't've let me go like they did you."

"They didn't hurt you, did they?" Sirius' voice cracked slightly.

"Never."

"Not even after you didn't advise them about me leaving? That night?"

Regulus shook his head once more. "They found out the next morning. I pretended not to know a thing."

Sirius exhaled, relieved. "Good." He looked out of the window, silently.

Regulus regarded his brother's profile. Sirius' hard jawline, his even features enhanced in the interplay of shadow and light. The long lashes, brushing against each other each time he blinked. His hair, today it was messy and unkempt. Regulus could sense the thoughts rumouring through Sirius' head, inside of his mind, beneath that thick, black hair. Sirius' hands, gripping the back of the sofa, those long, elegant fingers, twitching slightly, now and then.

Sirius tried to hide his hurt, Regulus knew. But he didn't leave. He didn't tell Regulus that it was time to leave.

Sirius' presence alone, in this house, it was a dream come true. Or maybe it was waking up from a nightmare-ridden sleep and looking in a beloved face, hearing a gentle voice telling you that everything was okay now.

Sirius, Regulus' light in this house.

Regulus had been wrong. He'd wanted to return here to finish a chapter, and he'd thought that he needed to talk to their Mother just like he always should have, or see the house so he could indefinitely believe that their parents were gone. But it wasn't that.

It was Sirius, who had returned for him. He was the key element.

Sirius, Regulus' brother. He'd appeared like a hero to Regulus' young eyes, but he'd been only a child too, Regulus realized that now. A vulnerable little child, overchallenged by the situation.

A real person, not a hero. Simply a person, one who loved Regulus, selflessly, and who Regulus could love back. A person with faults, and dreams, who made wrong choices, who felt regret, fear, hope, courage. His brother; often strong, just as often insecure.

They'd been all they'd really had, but they'd had each other, and that had been their hope. And maybe, just maybe, it still was.

"Sirius?"

"M-hm?"

"Would you have stayed if I'd asked you to?" Regulus hoped that his voice didn't betray the fearful anticipation he felt. He held his breath.

Sirius looked at him, his eyes glistening. After moment that seemed like an eternity, he spoke. "If I'd only known that you needed me –" His voice got caught in his throat. "Yes."

Those eyes, Sirius' grey eyes, drenched with guilt. Guilt, weighing so heavy. It was a pain for Regulus to see. _You don't deserve this. I don't want this for you._

Regulus wanted the suffering to stop, wanted the guilt gone. His brother, not a Hercules. Wasn't Sirius allowed to make mistakes too? To not know everything? Only being guilty of not knowing what he should've known at a certain point of time?

A chain and a ball. And Regulus, who could release his brother. And himself, because Regulus was chained to those memories too. Did he really want this guilt to stay with them for the rest of their lives? For it to eat at their soul, at the very fabric of who they were, what being _brothers_ meant?

It was venom, and it would continue to be if Regulus decided for them to keep carrying that weight around. All the anger, hurt, bitterness. It held them back, both of them.

Of course, there was also doubt. _Will you leave me again? Will you stop caring about me?_

Even so, it had never been so clear to Regulus what was right, what wrong, and what selfish. He had a choice. And doubt could only be removed by action, couldn't it?

Regulus regarded his brother's face, that familiar, familiar face. _I love you._ Sirius had asked for his trust. _I trust that love is the essence of our family, not guilt. I want us to get well again. I must let us heal, and I can._

 ***Flashback, April 1967***

"Don't pick on that, Reggie."

"But it itches, Siri! It's awful and it hurts!" The four-year-old responded tearfully. Regulus was still suffering from chickenpox and was, even as he spoke, already again sneaking a hand towards one of the many itching blisters that belonged to the rash that covered the poor child from head to toe. Their parents had dismissed it as a _muggle illness_ that couldn't do harm to a proper wizard, and it most likely wasn't as bad as a muggle child would've had it, but to the younger one of the brothers, it still felt like the world's ending.

Sirius gently took his little brother's smaller hands into one of his, keeping them away from the places where the little boy had already scratched his skin raw. Knowing exactly how horrible his brother must feel for he'd gone through the same pain a few days earlier, Sirius had been caring for Regulus since the younger boy had fallen ill too. He had used lotions and cooling creams to ease the itching, and it had been quite a fight to keep his little brother from hurting himself any further. And most of the time, he'd succeeded in distracting Regulus for a bit. But not always. And especially not now.

Thus, Sirius helplessly started to stroke Regulus' hair as the feverish little boy started to cry in frustration as he wouldn't get his hands free. "You have to leave it alone, Reggie. Or it won't heal. You want it to, don't you?" Regulus nodded. "I promise you it'll get better. I promise you."

 ***Flashback End***

Thus, Regulus decided to be courageous. "I forgive you," he breathed. _I forgive you._

Time seemed to stop and moments stretched out to the bursting point, like a balloon, incredibly thin, surreal.

Only after what felt like an eternity, Sirius, who hadn't moved, hadn't breathed since then, dared a nearly voiceless "What?"

Regulus lifted his chin, met his brother's eyes, those deep, grey eyes with a searching expression behind them, staring, baffled, not able to believe his ears.

"I forgive you, Siri," Regulus said again while a bright smile set free. Siri. His brother's name, it unleashed an incredible feeling of happiness in Regulus.

In addition to that, Sirius looked quite funny when he looked at him like that, dumbfounded, mouth slightly open, eyes big.

"F-for …?"

"For everything."

Sirius made a choking sound, started to shake. A bit concerned now, Regulus took a few steps in his brother's direction, his smile changing to a slightly concerned frown. Sirius began to cry, quietly, his long hair a curtain his face hid behind.

Regulus reached out and awkwardly put his arms around Sirius. Him comforting Sirius, that was strange as, most of the time, it was the other way around. Despite that, it felt right. He felt as Sirius hugged him back the pure rawness of the embrace; it almost took his breath away.

"Don't be sad," he whispered, patting Sirius' back.

A tearful chuckle. "I'm not," Sirius whispered back as he buried his face in his little brother's ebony curls. "I may well be the luckiest person on earth," he added.

Regulus smiled, overwhelmed with a surge of happiness all at once, Sirius' embrace and tears of joy lifting the boy's heart. And he felt free, released, and light, so incredibly light that he wanted to dance, wanted to fly, just like that. He'd made the right choice. Even if everything else fell apart, this moment, Sirius' joy, would make it worth it.

So Regulus closed his eyes, savoured the moment, let the happiness soak right into his bones and his very core, let himself be suffused by it, wanted its warmth to last and still be there when he was old and his days numbered.

TBC...

AN: Thank y'all for waiting so patiently! I'll respond to the reviews tomorrow as it's really late. Anyway, thanks for your support and your kind reviews!


	28. Being a Friend

"So, where have you been?" asked Evan.

It was lunchtime on Monday. Regulus sat at the top of Slytherin table, surrounded by his classmates. He sighed at his friend's question and glanced at Barty who had stopped eating and was looking at him with large, questioning eyes. He hadn't looked forward to this, to having to explain his absence once more. "I went home to recover," he said curtly.

"Recover from what?" Evan was shaking his head in confusion. "No one would tell us anything!"

"I was simply sick, okay?" Regulus realized that his annoyance was hearable but he couldn't help it.

"Sick? I hope you're well enough to train?" asked Lucinda Talkalot, who had overheard them talking. "Our team hasn't had a lot of practice yet and I really want us to improve until November." Her voice was just as sharp as her aggressively winged eyeliner.

Regulus playfully rolled his eyes. "We're only playing Gryffindor, Talkalot. Relax."

Lucinda huffed. "Our team's got to develop new strategies. Take Potter for an example – how many times has he already won against you in single combat?"

Regulus frowned at her. He was lighter and faster than James even though the Gryffindor seeker had a better broomstick but the downside of James outweighing him by at least twenty pounds showed when it came to physical contact. "So now it's my fault he badly fouled me last year?"

That made Lucinda quickly shake her head. "No, I didn't say that. I simply meant to say that we have to look out for each other more. And that comes with practice – a lot of practice. We're a new team, I'm the new captain, and this is my strategy, so there. Now, can you play?"

Regulus nodded, concentrating on the Cornish pasty in front of him rather than the shrill voice of his team captain. Lucinda had been part of the team for years and he'd always gotten along with her but only this year she'd replaced Emma Vanity as captain and she was ambitious for her team to succeed.

"This time we're going to teach them what it means to mess with their superiors," Collin Makehay announced grimly, receiving a few nods and sounds of approval from around the table. He too had had a rough game against Gryffindor last year, breaking several of his fingers at the attempt to fend off a bludger even though in his case Regulus rather blamed Collin's clumsiness than the laughing Gryffindor team that had rejoiced as the boy crashed into a Slytherin stand.

Regulus had to hide a smirk. It would surprise him if Collin knew how to properly spell superior. Although a degree of humility would do many Gryffindors good, especially James.

Regulus cast a glance at Gryffindor table.

James. The menace.

Regulus narrowed his eyes as he glared at the young man. James, the golden hero of Gryffindor. Yes, he would personally see to it that James had a hard time getting the snitch in the upcoming match.

But he wouldn't blame Sirius for James' behaviour anymore. Sirius had promised to be more considerate towards Regulus in the future and for once Regulus felt that he should give his brother the chance for a new beginning.

Sirius was sitting in his usual spot, surrounded by his group of friends, the girl clique with Lily nearby. Both groups were flamboyant in the way they behaved, loud and bold, their laughter like a lion's roar, their words even where Regulus sat understandable. They alone made up at least half of the noise level in the Great Hall, oblivious to anyone who might want to eat in peace for a change.

Regulus noticed a blonde girl leaning over and whispering something in Sirius' ear, causing a wide grin to form on his face.

Regulus too felt the corners of his mouth getting tugged upwards. Sirius had been so happy the previous day and, obviously, he still was. Without the burden of guilt he seemed to sit up straighter, his eyes appeared brighter and younger. Regulus hadn't realized until now how much seeing Sirius happy was really a good thing, how it made him happy too. Just like the look on Sirius' face when he'd called him Siri. He'd never forget that look, Sirius' eyes lighting up like he'd just been given the biggest gift.

He let his gaze wander to Remus. The young man sat amidst his friends, James and Peter to his sides, and yet he seemed secluded, as if he was really far away and on his body present, his friends' jokes not filtering down to him. The strained smile on his face gave away his uneasiness, just like the way he nervously scratched the side of his face where a scabbed-over claw mark ran across his cheekbone.

Regulus shuddered. For a moment, he felt like he was mentally thrown back into the tunnel. Blackness. That some human some animal form, blood-curdling; those lurid eyes; breath rotten, smelling like his inevitable future, a made-flesh nightmare. Regulus heart started to race. The fear was still there, in his stomach, causing it to constrict painfully. Quickly, he averted his eyes.

"Regulus? Earth to Regulus!" Barty's voice.

"Huh?" Regulus looked up. Barty and Evan were both looking at him, scrutinizing him. He realized that they must've spoken before and he'd been so immersed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard them.

"Did you research your part of the potions project or not?" Barty sounded slightly irritated.

Regulus shrugged. "I'll do it during lunch break." He didn't miss the look Barty and Evan exchanged but decided not to care. He knew he owed Barty some form of an explanation but now wasn't the right time. Playing this double game wasn't easy, especially when it came to maintaining true and genuine friendships. He simply couldn't be open towards Barty, just like he couldn't be completely honest towards Sirius. Even so, he felt bad about the way he treated his friend. Barty had been a good friend to him, the best friend he had, reliable, trustworthy, but Regulus hadn't been a good friend to Barty recently and he feared that Barty sensed that.

"How was your weekend anyways?" Regulus asked promptly, forcing himself to make eye contact with Barty. The other boy blinked, then a wry grin descended on his lips.

"Got in trouble with Professor Flitwick; he didn't seem to approve of my modification of a Caterwauling Charm." He chuckled and exchanged a look with Evan.

"What kind of modification?" Regulus asked, his interest woken.

"He bewitched the second floor girls' lavatory so that as soon as someone entered it ear-piercing wailing would start. It was hilarious," Evan interjected.

 _Ah._ Regulus rolled his eyes. "For someone with the humour of a pre-schooler, maybe. And then you wonder why you don't get a girlfriend," he added teasingly.

"You're the one to talk," Evan retorted. "You keep your nose buried in books, keep to your usual shenanigans and let me worry about the ladies." He cast a glance at Marietta Allsopp who was sitting not far away at Ravenclaw table. "I'm close to first base. She's into me, clearly, she only hasn't realized it yet."

"In your dreams, mate. Honestly, we all know you're gonna marry the Giant Squid and have four – no, at least five children –"

"Hilarious you are," Evan hissed, pointing his finger at Regulus. "You just wait and see."

"Whatever you say Romeo," Barty snickered. Evan hadn't found too much favour with the opposite gender yet and that fact clearly chipped away his self-confidence as he was _already fifteen_ , an old man basically.

"Romeo and Juliet is a muggle play, did you know that?" Regulus remarked casually.

Barty screwed up his face in response to that, causing Regulus to smirk. "You should read more poetry," the black-haired said.

Barty sneered. "Poetry, fine. Just not garbage."

There was this discrepancy in opinion that was now more evident than ever before. Their view of life, of what was right and what was wrong, had once lined up. It had actually been Regulus who had introduced Barty to the Dark Arts, who had made him familiar with the Dark Lord's views, and now it was Regulus who had changed away whilst superficially pretending to be a person he'd long left behind and undermining their friendship as he did so. He wondered if he confided in Barty, would he still like him, still call him a friend?

Regulus took a gander at Severus who was sitting at the far end of the table, alone, as was not unusual for him. It wasn't like the others wouldn't have him sitting next to them but even Regulus, who had been one of the few 'friends' of Severus, had to admit that Severus could be bit peculiar and probably preferred solitude over company as, most of the time, he had his nose so deeply buried in a book that it was hard to strike up a casual conversation without feeling like you'd just interrupted him anyways.

But on that day, it occurred to Regulus that Severus wasn't sitting so far away by chance. Severus must've heard of Regulus' injuries from Barty and for a moment Regulus wondered if, perhaps, Severus felt guilty.

He shook his head at his own thoughts. Regulus knew he'd acted like a fool by trusting Severus like he had. Nothing will happen to you, Severus had said. How could he have said that, so certain of it, if he really cared about Regulus as a friend? Sirius had called him moron and stupid for trusting Severus. And it had been stupid. Maybe all of this really had been Regulus' fault alone.

A chocolate frog came jumping down the table, an excited first-year close on its heels. Regulus caught the candy mid-air and chucked it to the boy who cast him a grateful smile in response.

 _Slytherins aren't trustworthy, really, Reg. Didn't you know that water is wet?_ A voice in his head whispered, resembling his brother's.

The Quidditch training session on the afternoon went fairly well that day, better than expected.

Lucinda was pleased to see that the new team constellation worked out well what caused the rest of the team to breathe a sigh of relief. Some had already worried she would turn their team into a dictatorship à la Lucinda but she relaxed quite a bit after a few good passes.

Regulus was surprised to see Sirius waiting for him at the side of the Quidditch field after the training was over. His older brother leisurely leaned against one of the spectator's stands that offered shelter from the rain, a big smile on his face, giving Regulus a huge thumbs-up as their eyes met.

"Great weather, isn't it?" he joked as Regulus approached him. The younger boy was still breathing heavily from exhaustion, his green and silver Quidditch robes soaked by the steady, even rainfall that had gone on since days but he returned his brother's smile brightly.

Sirius made a nod in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. "Have you ever thought about becoming a professional Quidditch player? Because Merlin, you'd make a fine one."

Regulus beamed at his brother's praise. He shook his head which caused his wet fringe to fall on his forehead and stick to it. "I never really thought about it."

"You should take it into consideration," Sirius insisted. He reached out and ruffled Regulus' hair, he couldn't help it with that fringe. As he did so, he voicelessly cast a drying spell on his brother's hair and clothes, not wanting Reg to catch a cold. "Are you growing your hair out?" he asked, inspecting the longest strands of black hair between his fingers.

"Nope, I'm just too lazy to get a haircut." It was only partially true because Regulus had indeed been growing his hair out a bit, curious about how it would look. Sirius had always been the one with the experimental hairstyles and most of the time they had actually suited him, from short, spiky hair to the almost shoulder long hair he had right now and even the strange mohawk style Sirius had tried out a few years ago hadn't looked too bad on him. Sirius could pull every look off.

Sirius affectionately brushed Regulus' hair into his face, causing his little brother to huff and shrug Sirius' hand off.

"Gryffindors – they always get in your hair. You could make that your house motto," Regulus remarked.

Sirius chuckled. "But you have to admit that at least we're good at it!"

Regulus playfully rolled his eyes. "It wasn't a compliment, but sure, if that satisfies your competitive streak – you excel in it. You're officially the most annoying house at Hogwarts; the one that makes everyone else want to rip their hair out."

"You're making me blush now."

"A Gryffindor blushing? I guess I deserve a medal."

"Indeed you do, little brother," Sirius said simply, his eyes warm and sparkling with fun. Then, without leaving Regulus even a second to react, he ruffled his hair again.

"You simply can't leave it alone, can you?" Regulus said as he once more smoothed a hand over his hair, putting it back in place. He noticed pink strands of hair dangling in front of his eyes. "What's this?" he asked, frowning now.

Sirius couldn't hold the laughter in.

"You bewitched my hair?!" Regulus couldn't believe it, Sirius had changed every single black strand of hair on his head to a bright pink colour. "Change it back!"

Sirius shook his head, still laughing, wholeheartedly.

Usually, Regulus would've been incredibly annoyed by this, but there was something about his brother's genuine laughter that made him go along with this. "I guess this means it's war. Keep your eyes open, I'm gonna get you for this!" He said threateningly whilst playfully punching Sirius' arm.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Uh-oh, I guess that means I'm in bad trouble."

"Darn right you are. Now change it back!"

Regulus' whole head went green.

"Of course that colour would suit you. Maybe I should shorten the sides a bit… That would make it look edgier, don't you think?" Sirius mused.

"No! Change it back now!"

Regulus' mop of hair had to endure several more of Sirius' experiments but eventually, Sirius allowed it to return to its natural state.

"No one acknowledges my talent," Sirius complained. "I'd make a good hairdresser."

"You'd make a crazy one."

"I'd make an artistic one. That's the whole point of hairstyles, it's an art and my inner craziness my muse! It's a way to express yourself!" Sirius made a sweeping, arty gesture.

"It's just hair."

"It's just hair?" Sirius repeated with fake indignation. "You're a hopeless case," he said, shaking his head. Then he put an arm around Regulus' shoulders and drew him into a side-hug as they walked in the direction of the Black Lake. "But don't you worry, I love you anyway, little brother." He squeezed his brother's shoulders.

Regulus snorted. Sirius truly had a crazy streak at times. "Do you even listen to yourself?"

The older brother grinned. "Surprisingly, I do. Like any proper Gryffindor, I like to hear myself talking."

"Right, how could I forget about that," Regulus responded dryly. He loved joking with Sirius like this, just like the brothers they were.

Something that had been missing had been restored by letting them heal, not holding anything back. Regulus knew that he'd held something back, forgiveness, trust. He hadn't allowed Sirius to be _Siri_. He'd held it back, had put a distance between them.

They spent the rest of the afternoon at the Black Lake where Regulus collected water plants for his herbology assignment and when a thick fog started to crawl across the school's grounds they went back inside and played Exploding Snap in the common area.

"You're cheating," Regulus stated as Sirius won for the third time whereas the cards Regulus tapped only always exploded right under his nose.

"Am not," Sirius responded with a smile.

"You are," Regulus responded. "No one is that lucky."

Sirius shook his head. "It's got nothing to do with luck. It's all strategy."

"Strategy, huh?" Regulus didn't sound convinced. "From now on, I'll shuffle."

Sirius bit back a grin as Regulus took the cards, frowning in concentration as he rifled the cards and then shuffled them a second time overhand for good measure. Reg, hating to lose at card games, frowning like a little kid. Sirius leaned back, casually crossed his arms over his chest and watched his brother deal out the cards.

It was simply cute. The sight reminded Sirius of when they had played games as children, Regulus thrusting out his lower lip, glaring at Sirius with those big grey doll-eyes of his whilst demanding for a rematch, adorable. Until Reg would get close to a tantrum, then Sirius would change his mind about the cuteness and quickly let him win a round or two, not intent on having to deal with the little monster his brother could transform to when truly upset.

As much as chess was Regulus' expertise, he wasn't a patch on Sirius when it came to Exploding Snap. "I've been training pretty much every evening for the last six years," Sirius said as he won another round, the cards joyously exploding, soaring Regulus' eyebrows as he leant over too far.

"I wanna play chess," the boy grumbled, rubbing his forehead.

"You're a sore loser," Sirius teased him.

"In the literal sense of the word," Regulus grumbled. "This game is dangerous."

"That's part of the fun."

Regulus studied his brother intently, an incredibly serious expression entering his young face. Sirius shifted on his chair, suddenly regretting having said that. What if Reg was really hurt? It would be his fault!

"You okay?" he added, reaching out and smoothing his thumb over Regulus' eyebrows.

Regulus' poker face faded, as his lip twitched in amusement. "Yeah, gosh, Siri!"

Sirius blushed a bit, he suddenly felt like the biggest mother hen. Or brother hen, rather. He had to laugh at himself then, especially at the sight of the roguish expression that swept over his little brother's face. Oh, he was a brother hen alright and both of them knew it.

Regulus noticed the strange looks he received from a few of his housemates, heard the whispering, but he decided not to care. It was a view they'd have to get used to, and as long as he didn't hug his brother in front of them his behaviour was still compatible with the fabricated spy-story that served him as an excuse. He knew that he'd have to flesh out his work of fiction a bit more but then again, he was a Slytherin, was he not? And the only other option would be to push Sirius away and he wouldn't do that to him, not anymore. He couldn't, not with that warm expression in Sirius' eyes.

It was already after dinner when Sirius returned to the Gryffindor common room that evening. His friends had gathered in the common room close to the fireplace, Peter was sitting on the ground next to the fire and fed it with little pieces of paper which he lazily directed into the flames, one after the other forming a queue and waiting dutifully for their turn to go up in crackling golden flames. James had settled on the couch with Lily sprawled half-across him; he was playing with the long, auburn strands of her hair whereas she concentrated on reading their Ancient Runes schoolbook. Remus, on the other hand, had curled up in an armchair a bit apart from the others, his books spread around him but he seemed to have abandoned his plan of completing any homework.

"Siri!" James jeered as he caught sight of him, straightening up.

"Hi guys," Sirius greeted them back.

Lily lifted her head. "Sirius, do you know why the Web of Wyrd is connected to the idea of time being cyclical rather than linear?"

"I bet he does. Say you know the answer, Padfoot," Peter begged. "We're absolutely desperate!"

James rolled his eyes. "On the verge of madness. I stand with my answer – it's called the Web of Wyrd because it's weird. Thinking of time as being cyclical is weird too, so it fits. End of discussion."

"Oh James, it's still not funny, no matter how many times you repeat it…" Lily sighed, annoyed. She moved off her boyfriend's lap and sat up straight.

James crossed his arms demonstratively. "I think it's a stupid question and a stupid question –"

"- Deserves a stupid answer!" Peter said, completing James' statement and receiving an affirming nod in return.

"It's not a stupid question, it's just that we don't see through it yet," Lily countered. "What? I think it's an interesting question."

"This topic ruined one hour of my life! I want my life back, Siri," James whined. "Where have you been?"

Sirius sat down in the empty armchair next to Remus's. "I see that I've been sorely missed," he remarked. "To answer your question, Jamie: I've been with Reg. And to answer yours, Lily: It's a bind rune, a combination of runes that make a magical sigil or symbol that is more than the sum of its parts. The Web of Wyrd holds within it every single rune symbol and, therefore, all the possibilities for the past, the present, and the future." Sometimes James and Lily could behave like the poster-couple for the "Opposites attract" theory.

Lily dropped her forehead into her hand. "Oh! I should've thought of this, really guys, why haven't we realized about this earlier? Everything is interconnected then, right?"

"Exactly. Also, think of the laws of cause and effect. It's even in the name, _wyrd_ , which is an old Germanic word meaning 'to become', not 'weird', Prongs."

"That would explain its other name, The Skuld's Net. Because _skuld_ means guilt or debt! The connection of the present, future and the past, it's even in the name!" Lily excitedly scribbled the newfound information on the sheet of parchment in front of her. "Why didn't I think of this? It makes perfect sense now that you say it!"

Sirius stretched himself out comfortably, regarded his friends, smiling to himself. He really was lucky he had Reg – it had been his little brother who had pointed the answer out to him, the one time he'd tried to help Reg with his Ancient Runes homework. In the end it had been Reg who figured the questions out on his own and explained the basics of runic magic to a very baffled Sirius.

"I said he'd know it!" said Peter, sounding proud for some reason.

"Yeah, but since when are you an expert for Ancient Runes, Padfoot?" James asked, his eyebrows raised high above the rim of his glasses, almost up to his hairline. Then he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You're not turning into a swot, right?"

"I wouldn't do that to you. But I spent the summer with a certain little geek, remember?"

He glanced at Remus. His friend was writing the suggested answer down, his expression guarded but still tensing up slightly at the mention of Regulus. Sirius realized that Remus hadn't spoken a lot during that day and the realization of that caused a wave of regret to settle under his skin. Was Remus still upset about the incident at the Shrieking Shack?

Sirius had only had the chance to talk to Remus alone once since the incident. It had been Thursday, the morning after, and Sirius had felt the need to check on his friend. At that point, Remus had been racked with guilt over hurting his friends that night even though Sirius had never blamed him, none of them had. _I'm so sorry, Padfoot_ – those had been the first words Remus had said as Sirius had found him that morning, hidden away in their dorm room, flinching at the sight of his friend. Sirius had assured him that none of this had been his fault and that he had no reason to apologize but Remus had turned away, his expression a picture of anguish, had let Sirius' words through on the nod, not believing a single syllable of them.

 _Monster_.

The mere look on Regulus' face at the encounter of the two had scarred Remus deeply, just like Snape's had, back then. _That's not you, Moony. That look in his eyes, that was not for you_. Sirius, James and Peter had worked so hard to get Remus to see that he was not a monster. With them all being animagi, it had been to be easier for Remus to forget about the monster and remember that the werewolf wasn't him, that this condition didn't define who he was. That he was still their friend, still Remus, even when caught in that nightmarish form.

 _Once more it's my fault that he had to suffer through this_ , Sirius thought bitterly. If he hadn't been so stupid to tell Severus then Regulus would've never known and none of this would've happened.

When he and James prepared to leave for their first detention that week, Remus' wince at the mention of it didn't escape Sirius' attention either.

"About Remus… how's he been doing?" Sirius asked his best friend after they had left Gryffindor tower and were on their way to Filch's office where they'd most likely have to spend the next hour on their knees, scrubbing and mopping the floor or performing some other useless task magic could do with a lazy wave of his wand.

James shrugged. "He'll be fine with time I guess," he said but then his expression changed, darkened. "He's beating himself up for this. Blames himself… I hope you gave the little shit what-for," he added at the thought of Regulus.

Sirius sighed. "We had a long talk. I guess what happened was my fault too, at least partially."

"It wasn't your fault in the least, don't start like this," James replied forcefully. Then he frowned. "A talk? Like, a talk or a talk?"

"Both," Sirius said curtly as they rounded the corner to Filch's office and spotted Regulus who was already waiting, leaning against the wall with one foot propped up. Sirius winced at the expression that entered his brother's face at the sight of James. _Dang._ He'd completely forgotten to mention James' presence this evening when they'd spoken earlier.

"Why's _he_ coming?" Regulus complained, not even trying to conceal his displeasure.

"Because I got in trouble for saving some stupid kid who doesn't know his limits," James countered before Sirius had the chance to give a more appropriate explanation.

Regulus' eyes narrowed and Sirius realized that he'd have to intervene fast before the situation spiralled out of control. He held his hand up towards Regulus as he put his other hand on James' shoulder. "That situation has been dealt with, I promise," he whispered. "Please no more recriminations."

"He doesn't look too repentant to me," James remarked, scrutinizing his best friend's little brother, noticing the naked look of pure dislike on the boy's face. "He's talked you to into believing that everything was your fault and he's the victim here, right?"

Sirius rarely fought with James. But in that moment, he felt really, really annoyed. He'd worked so hard to get to the bottom of things during the weekend and he sensed that it'd take only one wrong move of his to fracture the still very fragile bond they had formed over the weekend. Couldn't James at least try to get along with Reg? "He has not. You're the one antagonizing him right now, so how else should he react," he hissed. "Don't make this more difficult than it has to be." He waited for a moment, then added a "Please" for good measure.

James sighed dramatically. "Fine. As long as he behaves himself, I won't say a single world to him."

"I can hear you," hissed Regulus, who had straightened up and now glared at both Sirius and James.

"At least you're not deaf, that's good news," James snarled. "If you would only listen too…"

Sirius wondered how he couldn't have seen the tension between James and Regulus. He'd been completely blind towards the animosity between them. In that moment though, the reason for Regulus' behaviour during the last weeks presented itself as clear as crystal in front of him.

"If you would only shut your gigantic gob and not waste everyone's time –"

"It's enough!" Sirius interrupted his brother. "Both of you, stop!"

Two pairs of eyes looked at him, a very confused hazel one and an already defensive again grey one. "James, leave Reg alone. If you've got a problem you can discuss that with me but not here and not now. Regulus, the same applies to you." Sirius felt like he was talking to two bickering children. When had he gotten so _mature_ compared to James?

Surprisingly, both James and Regulus complied. Not without casting him questioning looks but they both ceased talking. It wasn't a comfortable time scrubbing the floors and polishing the knights' armours in that awkward, uneasy silence but Sirius knew that their situation could be much worse and he should thank the stars for this little reprieve until he'd manage to sort this problem out.

Meanwhile, Mrs Norris, Filch's cat, pranced around, visibly enjoying her power over the usually so unruly group of humans. Sirius managed to resist the urge to bark at her only with the help of James who, recognizing his best friend's the wolfish glare, deflected Sirius' attention by tugging at his sleeve and shaking his head.

It seemed like Mrs Norris really had a down on Sirius that evening because she simply wouldn't leave him alone, instead she watched his every step with her bulging, lamp-like eyes. Only with great effort he succeeded in dragging his lips over his bared teeth, pressing them to a pencil-thin line in order to hold back the growl that sat just at the top of his throat.

"How is it possible that we're being supervised by a friggin cat?" Sirius grumbled.

"I bet you wouldn't be complaining if she was a dog." James chuckled. "Like, a poodle lady maybe. You'd be overjoyed."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself!"

"Who, me? I meant it in the most innocent way you could imagine."

"Sure."

When the detention drew to an end Sirius asked Regulus to stay behind for a moment. "I'll be upstairs in a minute, James," he assured his best friend. James seemed to be frozen in place for a second or two but then nodded and left.

Sirius glared at Mrs Norris who was sitting below a silver-framed picture of an elderly sleeping man, her yellow eyes shimmering in the candlelight.

"What's your problem?" Sirius hissed at the cat, unnerved. "It's not even curfew yet!"

The cat sat for another moment, eyeing the brothers suspiciously, before she eventually waltzed down the hallway.

"I can't stand that cat," Sirius stated as soon as she was out of sight. He cleared his throat, looked at his little brother.

Regulus returned his look, his eyes full of questions unasked.

"Concerning earlier…" Sirius paused with the intention to pick his words carefully, brushing his palms on the front of his robe.

"Are you mad at me?" Regulus asked, interrupting him.

Sirius blinked, confused. "No, no, of course not."

Regulus didn't look convinced. "It's not my fault that James always picks on me."

"He's not picking on you, he's simply concerned –"

"Right. Concerned!" Regulus gave a short, sarcastic laugh.

"You have to give him time," Sirius responded. "I haven't had the chance to explain everything to him –"

"Explain what?"

Sirius cast a quick glance down the hallways to make sure they really were alone and Mrs Norris wasn't lurking behind some column, eavesdropping. "What has gone wrong in the last few weeks, what led to you going to the Whomping Willow."

Regulus looked at Sirius with an unsure expression in his eyes.

"He doesn't know yet that things are different now. Nor do the others. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"But it wasn't about them," Regulus interjected.

"Nevertheless they were involved."

Regulus chewed on his bottom lip. "But that wasn't intentional."

"You have to understand, have to try and see the events of that night from their perspective. I know what James said was uncalled for but he risked his life to save you and all he's got is my word that everything's settled and you won't do it again. Or think about how Remus must be feeling. I've barely had the chance to talk to him but that expression in his eyes each time he looks at me, Reg, I can't bear it. I know he thinks that all of this was his fault. He fears that you'll tell –" Sirius looked over his shoulder once more, then, took Regulus by the arm and led him away from the brightness of the torches that hung lined up along the stone walls a bit to the side, next to the windows where they were enveloped in the dark veil of the night. "It would destroy him," he added in a hushed voice.

Regulus' eyes had widened. "I won't tell anyone, Siri. I promised you that."

Sirius smiled softly at the sound of his nickname. He put a hand on his little brother's shoulder. "I know you won't, Reggie. I know." Gave it a gentle squeeze. "But Remus doesn't. The only thing he has is my word."

 _And what's that worth?_

Sirius was painfully reminded of the fact that, seen from Remus' perspective, his word couldn't mean a lot to his friend. He'd already broken this promise once and now, albeit indirectly, he'd been for a second time the reason for someone else finding out the secret he'd sworn to protect.

"Then why don't you tell him that his secret is safe with me?"

Sirius hesitated. "I'd like you to tell him that yourself," he said, his voice thinning as his throat constricted. "I want you to apologize to him," he clarified, clearing his throat.

There. It was out. Sirius internally braced himself for any kind of angry reaction from his brother's side. He knew that apologizing wasn't a comfortable thing to do but it was what was right. Remus deserved an apology; he'd been the real victim here.

Regulus took a step back, causing Sirius' hand to fall off his shoulder. "You're still mad at me?" Even though formulated like a statement it was a question and Sirius could clearly hear the insecurity in his brother's voice.

Sirius vehemently shook his head. "No! It's just that -"

"You said it was over! You said everything was over and done with and that you weren't mad anymore!" Regulus' voice had risen so far that Sirius risked another quick glance around, making sure that they were alone.

"If you'd only let me finish talking!" The older brother sighed. Regulus was always so quick at jumping to conclusions. "I'm not mad at you. Not in the least, you know that. Do I look mad to you?"

Regulus looked at Sirius with those big, grey eyes of his, not sure whether to believe him or not. Sirius tried for a smile which he hoped looked reassuring. "I'm not, I promise."

After critically studying him for another moment, Regulus visibly relaxed. "Okay."

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do I have to apologize to James too? Because I won't do that."

Sirius shook his head. "You don't have to apologize, Reggie. Not to James and not even to Remus. But in Remus's case, I ask you to do it – not for me, but because your apology would help him so much. Just a quick, simple apology, that's all I'm asking for."

Regulus sucked at the inside of his bottom lip, shuffling his feet.

"Please."

TBC...

A/N: Jeez it's been so long… I apologize to anyone who feared that I'd abandoned this story. I'd never, I promise. How time flies!(lame, I know...) But really. I've had so much to do the last months, I swear, they were about the busiest in my life. I've had some stuff happen in my family and not to mention uni, so many essays and papers to write; after the last exams were over I moved to a new flat (which was a pain, moving I mean, the flat is brilliant!), then was on vacation, then the new semester started…

Long story short, sorry for letting you wait so long. I hope you enjoyed it anyway. And a huge thank you to MallieexxPotter whose incredibly kind reviews were a great motivation for me to write albeit at my very own snail's pace. Ok, that was a lie – a snail might've written this chapter faster than I did.


	29. A Balancing Act

Regulus shuffled his feet whilst biting his lip, a nervous habit he didn't seem to be able to break.

Sirius' friends sat close to the lake. It was early in the evening and they still had a few hours until curfew but the days were getting shorter and the light was already failing. In the soft twilight, the surface of the lake was as smooth as black glass, betraying none of the magical underworld that lay beyond it. However, Regulus did not trust those waters. He knew the Black Lake better than that - all Slytherins did; and he knew that its outwardly calm appearance was deceitful.

The dark shape of Remus was half-hidden behind pest-damaged branches of a dead tree. Sirius was crouched down next to him, speaking words too soft for Regulus to hear. But the boy knew what they were discussing anyway. Remus looked up and at him, what caused Sirius to turn and follow his friend's gaze. He gave his brother an encouraging smile.

The same shivered and drew his coat closer around his shoulders. Regulus had promised Sirius this but that didn't mean it was easy. He knew of course, logically, that Remus was okay at the present moment. It wasn't even close to a full moon, and Remus could't change, even if he wanted to. He had no reason to fear him. That knowledge, however, didn't change a thing about the knot that had formed in his stomach the moment he and Sirius had headed off to the lake.

Sirius had promised him he'd stay close and as Remus approached Regulus, fallen leaves rustling under his feet, the boy felt relief at that and, at the same time, like a baby for issuing such a request. He'd faced worse things, had even faced Voldemort, and now he found his throat constrict at the sight of a peaky-looking seventeen-year-old. Remus' face was still healing, but this was the first time Regulus recognized the older faint scar marks scattered all over his face for what they actually were. Fight marks. The most recent cut ran across Remus' left cheek, scabbed-over already but looking gruesome all the same. It would leave another ugly scar on skin that already looked like a decade-old battlefield.

"Sirius said that you want to talk to me." Remus' voice was thin and he grimaced at the sound of his own voice.

Regulus nodded, stealing a glance at Sirius, who had risen and stood not far behind Remus, then cleared his throat. "Yeah. I came to… apologize."

Remus' eyebrows rose. "Apologize," he repeated, slowly. Disbelief showed in his moss-green eyes.

Regulus nodded again. "I know it doesn't change anything. But I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry."

Remus contemplated him. "You don't have to apologize," he said after a moment, his gaze dropping to the ground.

"Yes, I do."

Remus took a deep breath. He threw a glance over his shoulder at Sirius. Looked back at Regulus. "No, you don't. Is _he_ making you say it?"

Regulus shook his head. "No."

Remus' eyes were so very different than how he remembered them. Not monstrous at all. On the opposite, Remus looked rather vulnerable.

And looking at Remus, he suddenly understood. Understood why Sirius asked him to apologize. It was necessary. "He's not making me do anything. I'm here by my own decision, and I mean it, Remus." And he did. "And I want you to know that I won't tell anyone about you… you know." He couldn't bring himself to say the word. It just didn't fit.

A glint of heartfelt relief appeared in Remus' eyes. "Thank you."

It was only a few simple words, a simple apology, like Sirius had said. However, Regulus felt a change within him. The knot that had been firmly in place, that had caused his stomach to hurt only at the simple thought of Remus, had disappeared. Instead, he felt incredibly bad for what he'd done all of a sudden.

"I'm really sorry, Remus," he said again, hanging his head, not being able to look at Remus anymore. He'd been so selfish, risking so many others' lives without thinking twice about it. "I should never have done that. I really wish I hadn't. If I can do anything to make it up to you…"

The blond nodded curtly, not responding, but this time, he looked like he truly accepted the apology.

* * *

The next weeks passed peacefully one after the other, days calm and quiet. Both brothers felt that they even enjoyed the monotony of repeating events - school in the morning, playing a game of chess in the evening, days passing in a slow, well-structured harmony that mirrored itself in the relaxed smiles that came easily to their faces.

It had not been easy for either of them to overcome the barrier that the house system created between them. It might have been easier if they hadn't been Gryffindor and Slytherin, but as fate willed, they were basically chosen to be cat and dog, respectively. But things were as they were and to see this system and to acknowledge it as an ideology in all its fine details had been the task they'd both struggled with the last weeks.

The barrier that the Hogwarts house system had so confidently created had to be overcome again, every single day, and both brothers had to do it for themselves. It was not the simple decision to not care because despite that, especially Sirius definitely cared. He couldn't help it.

When they were alone it wasn't very difficult to overcome. When they sat at their respective tables in the Great Hall it became harder.

Still, they managed. Sirius managed by swallowing a careless remark about some Slytherin traits that might've earned him approving chuckles among his Gryffindor friends. He found himself gritting his teeth at seeing his brother sit next to people he suspected to be Death Eaters. But as long as Regulus wore the necklace he figured that he should trust his brother to deal with this in a … _Slytherin way_. They had put that discussion aside entirely, but an overall anxiety was still spooking around in Sirius' head. The worst moments were at night, after curfew, when Sirius pulled out the Marauder's Map and searched for the dot that carried his brother's name, watched it, in the middle of that serpents lair that the Slytherin rooms were.

For Regulus, it was more the weight of the public opinion that he felt and defied by purposely smiling at Sirius when they sat separated in the Great Hall. He allowed Sirius to side-hug him in public, or to wait for him after dinner, visible for everyone, conscious of the eyes of his friends in his back, feeling a grim, rebellious satisfaction at it. At the same time, he knew he was playing with fire. But he needed its warmth.

They made a choice, every day, a choice for each other, and did a balancing act at the same time, each brother in his own way. It afforded time, and energy, and patience. At the same time, though, the reward was invaluable. The sparkle in their eyes, eyes that were like a mirror of the others', reminded them day after day that not the color of their robes defined who they were to each other. Family.

* * *

It was the last weekend in October. Regulus wandered somewhat haphazardly through the Slytherin common room. The room was tightly packed with students that were standing side by side, dancing, or lounging on the few sofas and armchairs around the fireplace. The smell of food and drink hovered in the air, pervaded by a fog of cigarette smoke.

The older students had something like a tacit agreement with Professor Slughorn that basically meant live and let live. This objective surprised no one in Slytherin, no, it was rather their very own way of dealing with each other. As long as their little parties didn't degenerate into excesses, Professor Slughorn liked to turn a blind eye - or two - to it, and now and then even enjoyed a glass of sherry or blue elf liquor with his students.

Regulus took the drink offered to him by an older student, smiling casually while letting his gaze wander, searching the crowd for his friends. Severus was nowhere to be seen, no surprise there, he'd most likely done a runner at the first signs of party atmosphere. Evan was gone too, he'd escaped to the bathroom after a too courageous slug Firewhiskey, pale around the nose. Regulus sojourned with his Quidditch team comrades for a few minutes but the talk about continental Quidditch leagues and their rankings soon bored him.

After some time he spotted Barty and Cenrick standing close to the windows, the bright lights coming from the dance floor not quite reaching them. Instead, the dark shimmer of the lake wrapped them up and kind of secluded them from the hubbub. Regulus pushed his way through the crowd but neither of them noticed them.

Barty had a glass of beer in one hand and gesticulated wildly with the other whereas Cenrick mostly listened, nonchalantly leaning against the wall, a cigar in the corner of his mouth.

"It could be so easy! We already have most of the key figures covered and the only thing that's left is to strike -" Barty made an elaborate gesture with his right arm and then a sudden punch-like one, causing his beer to slop over.

Cenrick looked amused like he could barely suppress a smile. "In theory, yes. But in practice, it's not so simple. Big changes require meticulously exact preparation to be sure the result doesn't blow up in our faces."

Barty's eyebrows twitched. "Theory, practice, theory… that's all fine and dandy, but in the end, we need men of action. Right?" He took another slug.

The corners of Cenrick's mouth twitched. "You're right, my friend. Just don't be so impatient. Your time will come too, as long as you prove your loyalty to the Dark Lord."

Barty, who just then had eyeballed his half-empty glass of beer with an expression of chagrin, lifted his head. "But that's what I want! I want to prove it to him, since years, but where's my task? Whatever _he_ says - I'll do it, but I'm waiting, Cenrick! You all are already part of it and I on the other hand…"

"You're still young, Barty."

"I'm old enough to know a noble objective and to understand it too," Barty responded. "There's no reason to not let me do my part!"

Regulus, who by now felt a bit uncomfortable in his position as a more or less involuntary eavesdropper, cleared his throat to get their attention.

Barty's face brightened at the sight of him. "Regulus!" He smiled. Then turned back to Cenrick. "Regulus is even younger than I am. And he's doing his part already, is involved."

"But those are special circumstances," Cenrick said.

"Only marginally," Regulus said at the same time. "I don't really have any important role."

Cenrick reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out another cigar. He wordlessly offered it Regulus. Regulus took it, then became aware of the expression of naked jealousy on Barty's freckled features. Clearly, Barty hadn't been offered a cigar. But Cenrick didn't seem to care and wandlessly produced a flame which Regulus accepted. He took a hasty drag which he regretted instantly, as a powerful coughing fit built up in his throat. Pressing his lips tightly together in order to not embarrass himself, he hoped that his friends couldn't see the tears that were brought to his eyes by the unbearable scratching in his throat. Fortunately for him, Cenrick was occupied with blowing a large smoke ring and then letting a small smoke figure jump through it.

"Everyone has his own task to perform, sooner or later, Barty. You shouldn't force the Dark Lord to look for a job for you. Your time will come as you prove yourself valuable and then you'll be called forward," Cenrick said, his attention back on Barty. "Other than that, you're doing enough."

"But I can do more!" Barty sounded like a fractious child only seconds away from stamping his foot, what was partly caused by the alcohol in his system but also by his injured pride.

Cenrick rolled his eyes, his patience running out. "And you wonder why the Dark Lord thinks that you still need time…"

"I don't think that _he_ thinks that but rather _you_!"

Cenrick's eyes narrowed. "That's very well possible that _I_ think that, and for a very good reason."

Barty glared at Cenrick, the good mood of the evening gone. He took another slug, swaying slightly as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Meanwhile, Regulus had recovered from his first puff from the cigar and lent Barty and arm to prevent his friend from losing his balance.

"You don't know your limits yet." Cenrick sounded very serious now. "I don't doubt your resolve nor your conviction."

 _Well, where he_ _'s right, he's right,_ Regulus thought.

Cenrick sighed and pushed himself away from the wall. "But I'll come up with something for you, okay?"

Barty, who had just been about to object, nodded quickly, hope brightening his eyes.

When Cenrick returned to the other seventh years on the dance floor, Regulus couldn't hold his comment back any longer. "I can't imagine why you wanna join in so badly. You say that I'm part of the movement but all that I witnessed was one meeting, Barty. And it wasn't even very exciting. We were sent away before the others discussed the secret stuff." Regulus sipped on his drink but found that really inconvenient with the cigar in one hand and the drink in the other. He offered Barty the cigar.

The boy grinned and took a generous pull. He started coughing wildly straightaway. Regulus burst into laughter and Barty joined in, his face as red as a tomato, but both of them relaxed a bit. He handed back the cigar, causing Regulus to sigh.

"Great. I don't really want to smoke it either. What am I supposed to do with it now?" He made a move to stub it out but Barty stopped him.

"Careful! It would be a shame to throw it away. You should keep it, just in case, you never know what it might be useful for one day. And I bet it was really expensive."

Regulus nodded and extinguished the cigar carefully, then slid it into the pocket of his trousers. His father had smoked a lot, and even though he'd been more of a pipe smoker he'd enjoyed a cigar once in a while, often while sitting with guests in the drawing room, discussing politics and the like. When Regulus had been small, he'd loved that smell coming from his father. Unlike Sirius, who had hated it and had screwed up his nose every time he'd smelled it. Well, Sirius had scrunched up his nose at almost everything their parents did. And this particular cigar really looked fancy. His father would've liked it, Regulus knew that.

Barty sighed as he eyed his empty glass, turned it around and watched as the last drops dripped to the floor. He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't care if it's exciting or drop-dead boring. I just wanna be part of it. And I'm the only one who's completely cut off. See, your parents are involved -" Barty stopped in mid sentence, stared at Regulus with big eyes. "Uh... Or rather were, before... I just mean look at Evan's Dad, or Cenrick's, or even Severus' grandparents. And your parents were important anyway. And Bellatrix and Narcissa are your cousins, which means that you've basically always been part of the movement anyway, right?"

Regulus shrugged.

"I have nobody in my so-called family to vouch for me. Just look at my father - pathetic! And I don't want that the Dark Lord thinks that I'm anything like him. Because then I can forget about becoming a member. No, I have to prove my worth to him, much more than Evan, Cenrick or you. Do you understand?"

Regulus didn't know what to say. He could understand Barty's reasoning and he presumed that Barty's descent was the reason that Cenrick gave him such a hard time. But then again, it's not always easy when your parents are basically royalty among the other pure-blood families. If you only knew… But Regulus' lips refused to form those words because, despite the alcohol that was watering down his thoughts by now, he still knew that there were certain issues that could easily be understood the other way and become dangerous for him and Sirius. He shouldn't lower his mental shields, if anything, he should wear them twice as strong in this state.

"I understand. But I don't know, I think you become set on all this too much. We're only fifteen! How could we be of use for the cause? The others are trained wizards and witches, they are adults. We're just… kids."

"No, I'm not. I'm just sick and tired of it all. I can't take it anymore, not at home with my parents nor at school. Always having to be quiet, having to watch the mudbloods and blood traitors destroy our world and I'm supposed to stand by and watch because I'm too young to act? How long am I supposed to wait, until I'm 17? 20? 25? I got a task, Regulus. In my life. Something big and important, and I want the Dark Lord to see it."

"What kind of task?"

"Well, something like destiny. There's a purpose for me, that should be the base of my doings. I know it. And I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the war."

"That would be quite an achievement, to miss the war, Barty," Regulus joked.

"No, seriously. I don't want to become like my father. I want to be true to my destiny."

"How could one miss one's destiny? I mean if it's fate, it's gonna happen anyway."

Barty shrugged his shoulders. "By hesitating all the time. By waiting and seeing life pass by you and never acting." He looked dejected. "Maybe by living life like my mother does. She could be so much, and instead, she's just…" He shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Anyhow, I wanna do something big one day, something important."

* * *

Regulus had never been drunk before. He'd thought that was when he'd took a sip of his uncle Alphard's brandy once. But he'd only been giggly.

This was closer to being drunk. After the last Mountain Troll shot colors had become brighter and darker, and shapes grotesquely distorted with blurry, fuzzy edges. The songs of the evening echoed in his mind like a broken record that was being played over and over, their lyrics loud and nonsensical. They caused Regulus and Barty to laugh and sing along loudly. It seemed like the world had suddenly turned silly and you saw it without the smudged glasses of reason that day after day clouded your vision. No, the world was clear and absurd, unfiltered, every impression tumultuous and so incredibly rich in its nonsensical genuineness.

Eventually, Regulus and Barty found themselves tumbling from one corner of the Slytherin common room to the other, giggling sans reason.

Evan had reappeared, he was still a bit pale-looking but seemed to be better now, physically, despite his mood having changed for the worse. Barty, on the other hand, not so much. He'd drunk a lot more than the others and Regulus and Evan tried to keep him out of the prefects' and Professor Slughorn's view.

The boys pushed their way through the crowd until they neared the exit. After leaving their houses quarters they really noticed how loud it had been in there, as despite the all-engrossing silence the songs and voices of their house mates still lingered in their ears.

Barty rubbed a hand over his face. "Merlin, my head's going crazy."

"Do you wanna leave?" asked Regulus.

Barty shook his head and gave him a lopsided smile. "Nope. I'll be okay. Come on, let's do something!"

Evan groaned. "Oh no. Here it comes, the super-idiotic idea that'll get all of us expelled."

"You don't have to be game, if you want go to bed like a good boy," Regulus teased him.

Evan gave him a dark look. "Fine."

"How about a dare?" Barty suggested.

Evan pulled a face. "If you're a Gryffindor, fine, be my guest."

"Maybe not a _dare_ but it should be something that's forbidden," Regulus said. "Otherwise it would be boring."

"I bet none of you girls dares to go into the restricted section of the library at night." Barty grinned at them.

"Boring," groaned Evan.

"Girl," responded Barty. "A girl-y girl-y boy-y," he chanted. Chuckled.

Regulus shook his head at the sight of his friends. The influence of alcohol seemed to enhance the contrast in their personalities. "I don't think it's such a bad idea. And we could also borrow a few useful books."

"Regulus, the pragmatic bookworm," Evan teased him.

"Shut up."

"But you're right, I do have a few spellbooks in mind that I've always wanted to look through…"

Regulus smiled in response.

* * *

The library was different at night than it was on daytime. Especially when exams were approaching it was somewhat of a second home for Regulus, but also apart from that he loved to wander through the tightly-packed labyrinth of bookshelves, the smell of parchment and old, dusty wood in his nose, admiring the old books' ornaments whilst running his finger along their spines. During the nighttime, however, any form of familiarity seemed to have been sucked out of the place. It must've been the darkness that let Regulus hesitate, or it might've been the fact that the restriction section was forbidden and that it was, even during the day, gave off an eerie aura.

Consequently, this evening was the first time Regulus set a foot in the restricted section of the library. What fascinated other students about it was normal for him - Grimmauld Place was filled to the roof with obscure objects and books containing powerful dark magic.

Behind the rope separating the restricted section from the other part of the library, the air grew denser, and it seemed like they had crossed a barrier in more than one way. It was cold and the light suddenly even sparer than before. And the silence, everywhere, eerily hiding behind every corner. Silence and Darkness and Coldness. Once more, the atmosphere elicited associations with the house of Regulus' parents. Grimmauld Place had been cold too, and dark. Even more so when Regulus and Sirius had visited it a few weeks ago. Was dark magic really palpable like this, could simple, written letters hidden away in books have such an impact on their surrounding atmosphere? Or was Regulus' imagination running wild?

He shivered. But neither Barty nor Evan seemed to notice the chill, or maybe they didn't care.

"Wicked," exclaimed Evan. "Here, look! Godelot's ' _Magick Moste Evile_ '!" He'd already collected a considerable heap of books in only a few minutes. "I've forever wanted to read this book!"

"Cool," mumbled Barty, who stood in front of a vitrine filled with skulls, cursed books, and other abnormalities, some of which were locked away behind a grate.

"Watch your fingers," Regulus warned him as Barty reached for one of the skulls. He cast a look at the book Evan had mentioned. ' _Magick Moste Evile_ ' was a title still unknown to him, but he'd read Godelot of course, his work was considered as one of the classics, and that meant that the book had to be good.

"Can I take a look at it?" he asked Evan.

His friend nodded. "Sure. You can borrow it too, if you want. After I've finished it."

Regulus took a few minutes to skim through the book. Page after page stranger and darker spells were introduced and Regulus sensed a long-known fascination rise in him. He knew that Sirius despised dark magic and he understood his reasoning (somewhat, they had argued about it a lot), but he still felt compelled by it. Not in order to perform the curses, of course, but the simple knowledge that revealed itself in the study of dark magic, knowledge about the deepest core of magic and how it worked, acted as a magnet on him.

A sound, coming from the other side of the library, startled the boys. They jumped up and backed off to the oldest, dustiest and darkest shelves.

Footsteps were approaching, and the light of a lantern shone through the narrow gaps in the books into the passages in front of them.

Regulus held his breath.

Suddenly, Barty giggled nervously.

"Shhhh!" Evan hissed, even louder even.

The footsteps came even nearer, closing in on them.

Barty giggled again, swaying, and Evan tread on his foot, hard. "Ow!"

"Shut up!" snarled Evan, who was about to throttle his drunk friend. Barty lifted his arms in a placatory manner but at the same time, looked like he'd explode in laughter every second.

Regulus hastily fished his wand out of his pocket and produced a silencing spell around Barty, just in time. The silent laughter that started to evaporate out of his friend a second later couldn't give them away anymore, as long as it wasn't too late for that anyway.

Anxiously, the boys listened, their hearts beating so hard they were almost afraid that it was audible. Filch was dangerously close. The caretaker waved his lantern around, and for a very drawn out moment, nothing happened. They heard him muttering under his breath, but eventually, the footsteps descended again and darkness reclaimed the restricted section of the library.

"That was close," breathed Barty as soon as Regulus lifted the silencing spell. He chuckled, relieved now.

Evan snorted. "You weren't afraid of the squib catching us, or were you? As dumb as he is he wouldn't have noticed us if we were standing directly in front of his abnormally large conk."

"Oh, and you weren't afraid at all? I must've imagined it then, that you almost peed your pants a moment ago," Regulus teased him.

"Really? Then I guess you better bother yourself about whether everything's alright with you up there!" Evan tapped against his head.

Regulus glared at him. "At least I'm not a coward."

For a moment, Evan was at a loss for words. "C-coward?" He panted with rage, suddenly. "I'm not afraid of that dirty squib, and not his cat either! Fine, let them all come and I'll show you who's a coward -"

"Chill, Ev. Don't be a Gryffindor," Barty interjected, his laughter under control again.

Evan's head whipped around. "Gryffindor?! Don't call me a bloody Gryffindor!" He was seriously angry now.

Suddenly, Regulus had enough. "Merlin, what's wrong with you, guys? Squibs, Gryffindors - why are you always disparaging about other people?"

Now, both his friends, Evan and Barty, were staring at Regulus. "What?!"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Forget it!"

But neither of them did. They kept on staring at him with big, questioning eyes, which showed a glint of suspicion.

"Actually, what's wrong with _you_ , Regulus?" said Evan after some time, his tone cold and reserved suddenly.

Regulus shivered. "What's wrong? I can't stand this constant fighting anymore, my head hurts already from all that squabbling!"

"I think Evan doesn't refer to this evening but he means it in general," Barty said carefully. He seemed to be sober again all of a sudden. "We don't wanna accuse you of something but…" His voice trailed off.

"Exactly. You're basically never here, and when you are, you're so different," Evan explained. "It's almost like you're avoiding us. Like you… hide something." His voice was low but every simple word was clear.

Regulus flinched. "I simply had a lot on my plate, recently," he stammered.

"Yeah, with your _brother_ , we know. But you also said that he's an idiot and doesn't know a thing that's valuable to us. So why is it necessary to meet him _every day_?"

"He's a Gryffindor! There's not a lot to get out of someone like that cause there's scarcely anything there, big surprise. But I learn a lot about the overall atmosphere in the enemies turf, you understand?"

"And for that reason, you have to see him every day?" The topic had been bothering Barty for a longer time now, Regulus knew that.

"Sirius is really clingy. Believe me, I'd prefer seeing him less often too."

Cutting silence.

"We simply want to understand why you're acting so strange," said Evan. "That means, stranger than usual." He tried for a smile.

Regulus felt his throat tighten. "I'm still the same," he said. "There's just a lot of things you can't understand." He met Barty's questioning eyes. "You don't know how it is when your parents are dead. And you don't know how difficult it is to always pretend to be someone else. Only one single slip-up could ruin everything. That's not so easy in the long run." Regulus had to muster up all his strength to stop the flow of words that were dangerously close to the truth. "You have no idea of the responsibility that I carry. I _cannot_ disappoint him. And I want to put all my strength and energy into this task, do you understand? I don't do things by halves." As the words left his mouth, they left back the taste of the incredibly heavy burden that they were. Lies over lies over lies. _You have no idea how difficult it is to not get caught up in them._

His friends were still staring at him, but the suspicious expression in their eyes was gone.

"Do you understand?" Regulus asked. He looked at Barty, locked eyes with him.

Barty nodded slowly. Evan too, even though hesitating for a second.

"Come, guys, let's get away from here," Evan said eventually.

"I thought you're not afraid of the squib?" Barty grinned.

Evan laughed loudly. "Seriously, Barty. My father would get the squib suspended if he dared to tell _me_ what to do. It's pathetic anyway, having a squib working at a school for wizards. He's so superfluous: Everything he can do, house elves can do as well, just better. And more discreet."

"And politer," added Barty. "They know how to behave in front of wizards."

"And they're prettier!" Both boys erupted in laughter.

Regulus averted his gaze. He thought of Kreacher. Mr. Filch wasn't like Kreacher, was he? Kreacher didn't want any respect for what he did, his life's purpose was to be of service. He didn't even expect any gratitude, although Regulus had learned early that the old elf's face lightened up like a Christmas tree at an acknowledging smile.

But Mr. Filch was a human. It wasn't his purpose to serve.

And when it came to serving, if anything he served Hogwarts, just like the teachers did. Or Hagrid.

On their way back to the dungeons Regulus clenched his teeth in order to keep silent and not respond to the others' careless banter. Still, he felt the silence burning, on his lips, in his throat. A burning, ravenous silence.

He wouldn't be able to bear it forever, he realized that. At some point, the silence would burn through his lips if he didn't want it to burn his soul away.

A/N: Okay, this took a while. I'm fine, sorry if some of you were worried, I'm not abandoning the story, life is just incredibly busy. Thank you for all the heartwarming reviews and messages *


	30. To Live and Let Die

**Warning: Graphic Violence.**

Sirius sprinted up the last stairs to the Owlery, taking three or four stairs at the same time. The winding meadows and trees far beneath him blurred into a mossy green in the play of gusts. Cascades of rain lashed his back as he rushed to get into the dry, his hair and his dark woolen coat dripping wet as he entered the circular stone room at the top of the tower. He didn't care, it was nothing that a quick drying spell couldn't fix.

Regulus only became aware of Sirius' presence when he was already almost next to him.

"He can be pretty stubborn," Sirius said.

Regulus, who'd unsuccessfully been trying to attach a small roll of paper on Owlbert's claws, jumped. "Did you have to sneak up on me like that?!" He glared at his brother, but there was no real anger in his eyes.

"No, but I wanted to. I'm a wolf. We sneak, it's what we do." Sirius wrung out the front strands of his hair, then decided to wildly shake his head as if to make a point, slinging small pearls of water around the room. A few of the owls that sat in their nests along the walls protested angrily as they were hit by the cold wet.

"You're not a wolf, wannabe. You're a lice-ridden dog."

"Same difference."

"Not really."

"Whatever, little bro. With your head in the clouds like that, you wouldn't have heard me if I'd been a Hippogriff." Sirius reached out and gently scratched Owlbert's neck. The owl became angelically calm and cooed softly.

Regulus shoved his letter in his pocket. "That's not fair. A moment ago he wanted to claw my eyes out." As proof, he held up his hands. Feint claw marks bore witness to the heated quarrel that had occurred between boy and bird.

Sirius smiled softly. "Admittedly, he's not exactly polite. But clever old Owlbert here sure knows to appreciate a good trade." He reached into the front left pocket of his robe and retrieved a squirming earthworm he'd picked up in the Sundial Garden on the way to the Owlery. "You see, you have to give some efforts at persuasion. In lousy weather like this, I wouldn't be too eager on playing Hermes for you either."

Owlbert cooed in pleasant surprise as he gobbled the worm. Regulus hastily gave one more try to attach his letter, but as the bird directed a loud, angry hiss at him, he flinched back.

Regulus glared at the owl. "You're a mean, biased prat, Owlbert!"

Sirius laughed. "Now, now, it's hardly surprising that he doesn't like you when you talk to him like that. Give me the letter, I'll do it for you."

Hesitation traversed Regulus' features. A second later it was gone, and Regulus put the letter into Sirius' outstretched hand. Sirius didn't have any trouble attaching the small piece of paper to Owlbert's patient form. He scratched the owl's beak again. That owl was like wax in his hand.

"Thanks." Regulus relaxed, exhaling softly. He hadn't even noticed that he'd held his breath.

Sirius' eyes met the ones of his younger brother. "I only read letters that are addressed to me, you know."

Regulus' forehead creased and it was like he wanted to say something but then he bit his lip in the last moment.

"Siriusly." Sirius cast him his patented lopsided grin.

At that, a radiant smile coated Regulus' face. He chuckled, causing Sirius' grin to widen in response.

"You weren't at breakfast," the older brother said casually.

Regulus shrugged. The light that, only a moment ago, had painted the dreary October day in bright colours, disappeared out of Regulus' face as if someone had thrown a grey rag over his source. "I didn't feel like getting up early."

Sirius could imagine that. Still, he decided to play dumb. "Haven't you been feeling well? Because you know, breakfast's the most important part of the day."

Regulus shuffled his feet. Sirius noticed that, despite the cold weather, Reg wasn't wearing any socks and stood with his bare feet in his brown leather boots. In the summer, this particular habit of forgetting to put on socks wasn't as problematic, but Sirius created a mental note to keep an eye on this. Especially when it got really cold. He didn't want his brother to catch a cold.

"I'm feeling fine," the boy said.

"Did you have a good time, yesterday?"

Regulus blinked. "Uh…" he dropped his gaze.

 _What_ _'s the big deal, Reggie?_ "Did anything special happen?" _Come on_

Regulus quickly shook his head. "Nope."

Sirius' shoulders dropped and it was like his playful mood was wiped away by a hefty gust of cold wind.

 _Did you just lie to me?_

"Are you sure?" A tinge of disappointment slipped into his tone without Sirius intending it to. He started to regret testing his brother just for fun. He hadn't thought of the possibility that he wouldn't get the expected result.

Regulus didn't miss that. He chewed on his lip.

"Reg?" Sirius' voice was barely above a whisper. "You don't ever have to lie to me." Would Reg really lie to him because of something so trivial? Did he think that Sirius would be angry because of some partying and sneaking around the castle?

Regulus looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights of a fast-approaching car. "I…"

"You didn't mean to?"

"How - how do you know?" Regulus stammered.

Sirius decided to take pity on his brother. He didn't really want to play that game now that it looked like he had to. "Do you know what, we'll make a deal. We'll just forget about this part of our conversation." He made a gesture away from his head like he'd just pulled a memory out of his temple. "New start. Do you want to tell me about your evening?"

Regulus' gaze searched the floor once more, where bird dung, hay, and widely scattered skeletons of mice and other small animals covered the age-old stone almost completely. "Maybe you won't like it. And I don't want to get in trouble with you."

Sirius' expression softened. "You won't know unless you try. Don't you trust me to be fair?"

"Yes." That answer went over Regulus' lips without a second of hesitation. "You've always been fair." Then, his eyes narrowed, and in an afterthought, he said: "Well, not always but mostly."

"Fair enough." Sirius leaned against the stone window sill, not caring that there was bird dung all over the weather-withered stone. He crossed his arms as he eyed his brother and waited. "Now?"

"There was a party in Slytherin yesterday and I got a bit drunk."

"Is that all?" Sirius kept his tone casual.

"Me and Barty and Evan, we might've… we went to the library too." Regulus wiped his hands on his robes, glancing nervously at his big brother.

"Was that so difficult?"

"Are you mad at me?"

Sirius pushed away from the window sill and straightened up. Always that same, child-like question. "Why, should I be?"

Regulus shrugged again. "I don't know…"

Sirius couldn't help but smile at the contrite expression on his brother's face. "Merlin, Reggie, I'm not the Spanish Inquisition. I'm not Spanish, for starters. Also, I'm not Filch or anyone else who cares about school rules. I'm your brother. I'm not gonna get mad over stupid stuff like that; I didn't even think for a second that you'd consider _that_ something you need to hide from me."

"I didn't want to disappoint you..."

"Disappoint me? You're a teenager, Reg. Me too, remember? Something like that amuses rather than angers me. Or did you think that I've never done anything like it?"

"Well, I don't know. You're an animagus too but I'm not allowed to become one." Regulus' tone sharpened.

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because it's dangerous." Sirius' tone gained a hard edge too.

"You draw the line just like it fits you."

Sirius drew his eyebrows together. "I draw the line where it needs to be drawn. Why are you arguing with me about that now? Do you _want_ me to be angry at you for breaking school rules?"

Regulus chewed on his lip again. "No…"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the window sill. "I'm sorry. I never meant to lecture you like some boring old adult, even though it seems like I'm getting there pretty quickly…" He tried for a smile. Reg said nothing, watching him. "I already knew where you were last night. And I only came up here to tell you to be careful and… that I'm proud of you."

Regulus cocked his head, his expression a picture of genuine confusion.

Sirius' smile widened. "It was me and James who led Filch away from you and your friends."

Regulus' jaw dropped. "You knew? You saw us?"

"Sure did, though we heard you, mostly. Especially that freckled friend of yours, and the grumpy one."

"Barty and Evan."

"Right."

"Did you follow me?" Regulus seemed even more nervous than before. "Did you eavesdrop on us?"

Sirius was offended. "No, of course not!"

Regulus relaxed. Then, he looked at Sirius in curiosity. "Why did you say you were proud of me?"

Sirius self-consciously scratched his arm. "The first time I drank I got totally rat-arsed," he admitted. "Your friends were pretty drunk too, yesterday. I don't know how that's possible in Slytherin, and why Slughorn doesn't say anything because McGonagall would skin us alive... Anyway, you yourself didn't overdo it, which is more than you can say of most fifteen-year-olds, my fifteen-year-old self included. That's why I'm proud of you. I'm really glad you were responsible. And I wanted to tell you that, so you don't think that I don't see the good things that you do as well. You make me proud a lot."

Regulus stared at him until the corners of his mouth slowly twisted into a grin. He gave Sirius a love tap on the arm and then, in a spontaneous spark of affection, a quick, one-sided hug. "And you couldn't have said that without putting me on the rack first?"

* * *

The days grew darker as October went and even shorter when November came. That didn't mean that they were less busy. On the opposite, the events seemed to string together: First Halloween, then Sirius' eighteenth birthday, which he celebrated thoroughly together with Regulus and his friends. Surprisingly, James and Reg managed to pull themselves together and bury their hatchet - though only for one day.

Next came the Quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor, which Slytherin won with a very narrow lead, to the great chagrin of James and most of the other Gryffindors. Only one tall young man stood out from the miserable crowd on the gold and red stands. He applauded as Regulus caught the snitch, not even attempting to hide how proud he was of his little brother. Aside from the Slytherins, he was also the only one who congratulated Regulus directly after the game was over.

Due to all that, it seemed like November passed in a flash. The autumnal fog patches that had slithered their white, skeletal fingers over Scotland's hills and valleys and had thrown a gray veil of mist over the sun's face made way for the early winter's first snow. Children's laughter accompanied the first snowflakes that fluttered towards earth like small crystals.

Soon, the soft hills and valleys were iced, the dark tips of the forest's fir trees sugar-coated, and snowball fights transformed the school's grounds to a big white playground.

It went unnoticed by most students of the other houses that the thick sheet of ice that covered the Black Lake and served the students as an ice rink competed against Hogwarts' dungeons for the spare beams of light. The result was that the continual twilight which ruled the dungeons during the other seasons suffocated in a depressing state of almost-darkness.

Everything began with an article in The Quibbler. It was the only newspaper that allowed the ministry-critical journalist Ronin Ward to voice his opinion in an article that had priorly been rejected by The Daily Prophet. The journalist slammed the apathetic attitude of the Ministry in regard to the rising threat through dark wizards and witches. But Ward, who himself was muggleborn, went one step further. He named ministry employees that had been involved in corrupt and muggle-discriminating practices. Mulciber's father was one of them. Evan's too. Even the deputy minister.

Mulciber stormed out of the Great Hall as soon as he heard of it, filled with rage. Evan, on the other hand, sat petrified next to Barty and Regulus. Then, he suddenly raised his wand and started burning down every edition of the Quibbler that caught his eye.

"Expelliarmus!" The entire hall went deadly silent as Professor McGonagall's stern voice echoed from the walls. The tall woman had risen from her seat at the teacher's table and swiftly disarmed the seething boy. She caught Evan's wand with her left hand as she shouted at him.

"Detention, Mr. Evans! How dare you light fire in the Great Hall!" Never before had Regulus heard her sound so angry.

Evan jumped up as well, his face red as he stormed out of the room, leaving his breakfast and even his books behind.

The baffled students grappled for one of the few remaining versions of the Quibbler. Never before had the odd magazine ever attracted so much attention. Only Barty lowered his head in shame, sitting quietly and staring at his hands amid the scent of burned paper and the buzz of students whispering agitatedly. Barthemius Crouch Sr had been mentioned in the article as well but as one of the few positive examples of commitment to the law as the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Despite being aware of the irony, Regulus still felt pity for his friend.

During the rest of the day, Regulus could sense that something was brooding under the superficially calm surface as everyone continued like nothing had happened. Regulus knew that something was up, that the peaceful silence was deceitful. He caught the empty looks, the thin lips, the white knuckles. Everyone in Slytherin knew better than to trust the calm before the storm.

Regulus ended up being right. It was already late in the evening of the very same day that Mulciber sent for Regulus and Evan to join him in the Slytherin common room. They had already been in bed and their roommates were snoring softly as the two boys tip-toed out of their dorm room and entered the dimly lit common room. The fire had burned down and the embers' pulsating glow weakened by the minute as if to get ready to rest over the night.

Cenrick Avery and the Carrow twins sat on the couch in front of the fireplace and Severus sat on the armchair to their left, awkwardly tugging on his way too short sleeves of his old, worn pyjamas. Regulus and Evan joined them, whereas Muciber stood next to the fireplace with an expression Regulus had never seen before on his face.

"We got an order from the Dark Lord," Mulciber said. The others went deadly silent. "Ward has gone too far. We're going to teach him, his blood-traitor friends, and all the other mudbloods who think they can attack purebloods a painful lesson."

Alecto Carrow's pasty face contorted to an ugly smile. "That means we kill him?" She could barely tame her enthusiasm.

"We? _We_ kill him?" Severus blanched.

"Afraid to get your hands dirty, Snape?" Amycus Carrow's voice was as sharp as a knife.

"No -"

Mulciber interrupted them. "We'll see about the killing. Our instructions are to teach him and all those who think they can oppose us a lesson. He shall be an example of the Dark Lord's power and the wrath of his followers."

The twins seemed confused.

Cenrick, who had listened until now, straightened up. "So we torture him?"

His voice was lacking any emotion, something that unsettled Regulus even more than the words Cenrick had spoken. _Torture_.

Mulciber's lips twisted to a malicious smile, revealing his crooked front teeth. "The filthy mudblood will beg for death when we're done with him."

During the next minutes, Regulus' stomach tightened to a firm knot. The words of his housemates sounded so sinister as if the incarnated evil was speaking through them; their dark eyes reflecting a diabolic shade of green that reverberated in the Slytherin banners hanging on the walls as they spoke so naturally of torture, pain, and the monster that they'd make an example of.

Hate in their words, hate in their hearts.

"Living off our money, he even went to Hogwarts, the pig. That's what he is, an ungrateful bastard, an abomination of nature that the wizarding society has decided to take pity on. And here he is now, trying to destroy everything we are. After everything we've done for him, that's how he pays us back."

The Cruciatus Curse as revenge for a newspaper article. _We don_ _'t fear law nor morals. Respect not life nor death_.

Regulus said almost nothing as he sat and watched, petrified; the feeling of foreboding had come too late to be a warning as his housemates' message erected poisonous walls around them and he found himself shackled to his armchair, the lies he'd constructed now chains that firmly held him in place.

"We'll do it tonight," said Mulciber. "This is your chance to prove your allegiance."

Severus' eyes lit up. "Does that mean that we'll become full members?"

Everyone's undivided attention was on Mulciber. The corners of his mouth twisted upwards and he nodded curtly. This was their motivating factor.

Not that there was a choice.

Regulus experienced the following minutes in a haze. He and Evan returned to their dorm to get dressed. As they entered the room, Barty sat in his bed as straight as a post, hair tousled but wide awake. He didn't need to be told that there was something big going to happen. As soon as he saw Evan and Regulus, he jumped out of his bed, barging against his nightstand as he slammed out of the room.

Regulus didn't care too much. His eyes were fixed on his pillow. Beneath it was the mirror Sirius had given him. _Help_.

"Hurry up," said Evan, who was buttoning up his long, black robe.

Regulus jumped. There was no time for nothing. He couldn't run. He couldn't tell on them. The time for decisions had long expired. Regulus' heart rebelled against that thought as soon as it entered his mind. Like the last grains of sand in an hourglass that trickled from the upper bulb to the lower one, any possibilities left ran through his fingers with him watching helplessly.

He hadn't expected it to happen so soon. The hourglass had had a hole, it must've. But it was his own fault. He'd been so naive to think that his lies wouldn't catch up with him.

How he wished he could hide his face in Sirius' shoulder and never open his eyes again.

Regulus had to force his gaze off his pillow.

Sirius couldn't help him. He'd only put himself in danger.

With cold, trembling fingers, Regulus reached for his necklace. He ran his fingertip over the stone's smooth surface. The colour was changing already. Dark veiny lines pervaded the dull, dark orange, spreading like black cancer.

He couldn't let it go black. Nor have it heat up, which would be inevitable if he wore it this night. He wouldn't take the risk of Sirius following him by locating the necklace. It would be his certain death.

With one swift movement, Regulus ripped the necklace off his neck. The silver chain gave a quiet crack as it broke. The colour faded immediately like someone had switched off its power source. Over the course of the last months, he'd become so accustomed to its weight that it had become a part of him and he felt its echo on his chest like it was still there; the phantom of his necklace.

On their way back to the common room they ran into Barty. "He's allowing you to go? I'm the only one who's got to stay back?"

"Shhh! The others are sleeping," hissed Evan.

Barty didn't care. He followed them back to the common room, where Mulciber waited. Cenrick was the only one who was back already.

"You promised!" Barty's voice rose as soon as he saw Cenrick. "You promised I'd get the chance to do my part!"

Undisguised disgust showed in Mulciber's features. "Sod off, Crouch."

Cenrick, on the other hand, looked compassionate. "Not this time, Barty."

Mulciber scoffed. "He can join his blood traitor father, for all I care. We don't allow scum like that in our ranks."

"I'm not my father," Barty cried desperately. "I bloody hate him! I'll do anything you say, I'll be the most loyal, the most determined -"

"Enough, Barty. You are not going to be part of this tonight," Cenrick said. "Now leave. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Regulus, tell them! I'm just as loyal as any of you, I'd gladly die fighting for the cause!"

Regulus stared at his friend. He couldn't comprehend how Barty could act like this, how he could beg to be part of something so vile and cruel. It was like he didn't even know him. "Just go to bed, Barty."

Barty looked like he'd been stabbed. When they left, Regulus felt his best friend's gaze follow him, jealousy burning in his deep, glaring eyes.

* * *

They entered the small suburban house in the middle of the night; the crescent moon lighting their way as they walked in single file with Mulciber at the front. Masks were hiding their young faces.

They found Ronin Ward in his bedroom. The man woke as soon as he sensed their presence around him and sat up in his bed. He frantically searched for his glasses, his hands shaking so hard that when he found them, they slipped out of his fingers and fell to the ground. Amycus Carrow crushed them with his booted foot, chuckling cruelly as Ward flinched at the sound of breaking glass.

"W-who are you? What do you want?" Was everything the poor man got out, squinting his eyes in a helpless attempt to identify the intruders.

"Your worst nightmare," hissed Alecto, her stocky little frame partially hidden as she stood closely behind Mulciber.

Mulciber pointed his wand at the man, "Crucio!", and then Ward was thrashing on the bed, anguished screams pouring from his throat as pain drilled its way into his body. Evan closed the curtains and Cenrick cast a silencing spell. Regulus and Severus hadn't moved away from the door.

"Now it's my turn," Alecto hissed as she shoved Mulciber to the side. The spell broken, Ward tried to catch his breath, a plead for mercy on his lips. He was hit with another Cruciatus Curse only a moment later. A wry smile appeared on her lips as she fed on the man's pain.

"Don't worry, everyone'll get their turn," Mulciber said over his shoulder as he stepped back and watched, satisfaction in his eyes.

"Maybe some of us should keep watch?" Regulus suggested softly, his throat tight. He couldn't peel his gaze off the man that writhed on the bed like a worm on a fishhook. His words were barely audible as Ward's screaming drowned out all other noises.

"What?" Mulciber raised his eyebrows somewhat annoyed.

"Let's silence him," Severus shouted.

"And miss this symphony of sweet squeals? Never," Cenrick laughed. "The audience wants to be entertained as well, right?"

Evan and Amycus nodded grimly.

Alecto interrupted the torture and climbed on the bed, her plump body appearing absurdly small compared to the tall, broad frame of Ward, who wheezed and coughed, attempting to bring air into his exhausted lungs.

Amycus grinned maliciously as he and Evan rushed to her side and captured Ward's arms. The man let out an anguished scream as Alecto traced her hand along his chest. "Such a well-built toy, don't you think? I'll prettify him some more." She bared his torso and rammed her fingernails into his flesh.

Ward cried out as her nails drew blood and she rent his skin and flesh apart.

"Anyone wanna sign their name?"

The others laughed. Regulus angled his head to a more casual pose and resisted the urge to take a step backward.

"No, I wanna get myself a little souvenir," Cenrick said. Ropes sprung from the tip of his wand and tied Ward's arm to the bedpost. He forced the man's fingers apart and inspected them individually.

"Eenie meenie miney mo…" giggled Alecto. With a swift movement, Cenrick cut the man's thumb off.

Ward let out an ear-piercing scream in absolute horror. Blood gushed out of the stump on his hand, colouring the bedsheets in a deep, violent red. He blacked out.

Cenrick held the bloody thumb up, not caring about the trail of blood that ran down his hands. "I think I'll keep that and wear it around my neck. Might bring me luck, like a rabbit's foot."

"You have to cut off his whole foot in order for it to be the equivalent of a rabbit's foot, dimwit," Amycus said.

"Nah, those giant-sized tootsies would sure wear my neck out. I'll stick with the finger."

Regulus felt bile rise up in his throat. Through a swirl of fear came his mother's voice. _This is what happens to traitors, Regulus. They ought to be killed._

The man had only written a simple article. He hadn't hurt anyone. Regulus' heart reached out for the man who lay unconscious on the bed in a pool of his own blood. He was grateful for the short break. Maybe Ward wouldn't wake up again. Maybe Mulciber and the others would lose interest soon.

However, the thought of helping the man was brief and quickly dismissed. Regulus didn't want to end up like Ward. And he would, if the others only so much as suspected betrayal on his side. He'd seen too much. Knew too much. They wouldn't hesitate because he used to be their friend. They'd kill him because of it. He'd been fooling himself the entire time. He should've run away when he'd had the possibility. He should've trusted Sirius.

"Get me one too," said Evan, his eyes focused on that thumb like it was a trophy. "I want his other one. So he'll only have claws left."

"Cut it off by yourself," was the short response coming from Cenrick.

 _Merlin, please, not again._ Regulus had called these people _friends_. Like he was one of them. A monster among monsters.

Fear travelled in Regulus' veins but never made it to his facial muscles. His mind ordered his body to fall in line. Retreat would be a disaster, a show of weakness. He forced himself to adopt that old expression of feigned indifference, a mask he'd worn almost daily when Sirius and he had still lived with their parents.

The screams started again. Evan had difficulties cutting the finger off as smoothly as he wanted to. Ward began to thrash around and caught Evan in the face. "Crucio!" This time, it was Amycus who cast the spell.

Evan, whose lip had broken where Ward's fist had collided with it, growled furiously. He punched the man back, not caring that the blood from his knuckles mixed with the blood of his victim, and he didn't stop until Ward's face was unrecognizable underneath all the shining scarlet. Then he finished what he'd started, grimly holding up the amputated finger.

Ward panted, he'd screamed himself hoarse. He began to drift into unconsciousness once more, the chilling rattle in his throat fading as his eyes rolled upwards.

"Is he dead?" asked Severus.

"Check for yourself, Snapey. Show a bit more enthusiasm. You too, Black," hooted Alecto. "You two must be bored out of your mind, standing there, doing _nothing_!" All kinds of threats reverberated in her voice.

"Sectumsempra," whispered Severus. Only Regulus could see that his hand was shaking as he cast the spell. Blood spurted from Ward's chest as though he'd been slashed by an invisible sword. The man barely reacted except for a weak moan.

"Nice one, Snape. See, the old crock's still kicking. Your turn now," she said to Regulus.

It was like he was being pushed forward by an invisible hand. _You have to._ He raised his wand, stared at the dying man in front of him, his mind blank suddenly.

"Come on, Regulus," Cenrick hissed, his voice as low as his patience was thin.

Regulus closed his eyes. _Forgive me._

He made a slashing movement with his wand, causing a streak of purple flame to strike Ward across the legs. The man didn't even wake up anymore.

* * *

Sometime later they left, leaving Ward like a pig to bleed dry in the slaughterhouse his bedroom had transformed to. Blood on the walls, on the curtains, on the floor. They left scarlet traces around the house as they escaped through the back door, like thieves in the night, taking with them an innocent's life and dignity. Even if Ward managed to survive, he'd be scarred for the rest of his life.

Mulciber raised his wand. Regulus had never before seen the Dark Mark, but he knew instantly what the colossal skull was that rose higher and higher and cloaked the crescent moon with its emerald light. Like an omen that was etched against the black sky, it seemed to announce a new, dark era as it glared down at them. In this evil lime green glow, they fled like cowards, their masks hiding their identity.

Barty hadn't acknowledged their return, even though he'd been awake. Regulus lay in his bed and waited, not knowing for what exactly. Maybe for a miracle. His eyes wide open, the mirror tightly clasped in his hands, he held onto it as those horrible pictures flashed past his inner eye, blood everywhere, those awful screams ringing in his ears, biting his lip hard while trying to focus on the cold metal in his hand. Still, in the back of his mind, he knew that he was being childish and the mirror would be of no use. He could never tell Sirius, even if he wanted to. And Merlin, did he want to. But that would be the end. Sirius would see the monster in him, he'd avert his eyes in disgust and never look at him again.

But Regulus also knew that if he let Ward die without at least trying to help, he would go down with the man. He didn't want to be a murderer.

Only when he was certain that Evan and the others were sleeping did he rise from his bed. He wandered barefooted along the castle's corridors like a sleepwalker in his pyjamas, past the ice flowers that blossomed on the windows and the snow slush on the ground that the students had carried inside on the previous day. He didn't care that after a few minutes, his feet had transformed to ice blocks and he could barely feel his fingers anymore. But he welcomed the pain.

When he reached the gargoyle, it stepped aside without requesting a password. Regulus didn't waste a second thought on it. He entered the dark circular room. A moment later, the candles lit themselves.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore greeted him, a friendly twinkle in his eyes. The headmaster stood next to the door that led to his private quarters, still dressed in his nightgown. "What can I do for you?"

"Ronin Ward, the journalist - he's badly injured, he needs help!"

Dumbledore came a little nearer, his light blue eyes turning very serious as he studied Regulus through his half-moon spectacles. "Where can I find him?"

* * *

When Dumbledore returned, Regulus sat in one of the big, cushioned armchairs around the fireplace. He lifted his head off his arms in which he'd hidden his face so he wouldn't be subjected to the silent, piercing looks the portraits of the previous headmasters gave him.

"Is he alive?" Regulus barely waited for the headmaster to step out of the fireplace when he asked the question that burned on his lips.

Dumbledore gave him a soft smile. "Mr Ward is being treated at St. Mungo's at the current moment."

Regulus' shoulders slumped as a burden fell off his shoulders. He closed his eyes, hid his face in his hands, felt them shake as relief ran through his veins.

"He was very lucky that you came to me to inform me about his situation." Dumbledore's smile faded slightly. "Of course this naturally raises the question of how exactly you came by this information."

Regulus didn't dare to look at the man. "I can't tell you."

Dumbledore sat down on the armchair opposite to Regulus. "You came directly to me. There must be a reason for that."

"I knew you'd help him."

Dumbledore studied Regulus intently over his spectacles. Then he waved his wand and a cup of tea came floating toward the boy. Regulus took it, desperately trying to hide the shaking of his hands.

"Biscuit? Or a Lemon Drop?"

Regulus shook his head. The tea felt nice and warm and smelt delicious. Despite that, he knew he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve any of the headmaster's kind offers.

"I did my best to make sure Mr Ward got the best help available. Now, I don't think that my work is quite done yet."

Regulus looked at the old man questioningly.

"I want to help you too, Mr Black. I believe there is more than one reason why you chose to tell me and not your Head of House."

Regulus shrugged. "I don't know…" It was surprisingly difficult to lie to those piercing blue eyes.

Professor Dumbledore hummed to himself. Regulus noticed that the man's socks didn't match, nor did his shoes. "Over the course of my life, I've come to learn that help can only be effective when it is accepted. And help can only be given when one confides in another. I am here to listen to what you have to say, Mr Black. After that, we can find a solution together."

"I can't betray my friends." Tears burned in Regulus' eyes at those words.

Dumbledore leaned forwards. "I give you my word that whatever you tell me tonight stays between you and me."

Regulus lowered his head. His hands started to shake again, uncontrollably. The cup slipped out of his hand, but instead of shattering on the floor, it stayed in the air, floating evenly, not spilling a single drop of tea.

When he looked up and met those gentle, patient eyes again, Regulus felt an irresistible urge to speak.

So he confided in the man. He told him how they had tortured Mr Ward, and the ludicrous reason behind it. The words poured out of his mouth and he wouldn't've been able to stop even if he'd wanted to. He told the headmaster about all the lies he'd fed his brother, about the double life he'd been living.

As he had promised, Dumbledore listened patiently, not once interrupting Regulus. The morning dawned already when Regulus finished with his story.

Relieved of all his burdensome secrets, Regulus met the old man's light blue eyes. A deeply pensive expression had entered the headmaster's expression as Dumbledore stroked his long, white beard.

"Will you send us to Azkaban?" Regulus asked. Fear collected in his guts.

A very long moment later, Dumbledore gave a soft sigh. "No. I gave you a promise and I stand by it. However, what you and your housemates did cannot be taken lightly. Mr Ward suffered great injuries and only Merlin knows if he'll make a full recovery."

Regulus flinched at that. He felt hot tears rise once more. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

Dumbledore's voice remained as gentle and patient as it always was. "I do not doubt that, Mr Black. This is why you are here. This is why Mr Ward could be found in time to save his life. You were part in a series of unfortunate events and made many mistakes. However, due to your youth and your remorse, I think you deserve a second chance." He smiled lightly, in a very grandfatherly way. "Everyone deserves a second chance. Though it is up to you whether you take it or not."

Regulus stared at him. "I take it," he breathed after a short moment of disbelief.

"Very well," Dumbledore said. "I wouldn't want you to be sent to Azkaban, which, despite your youth, would undoubtedly happen if the Department of Magical Law Enforcement found out about your or your housemates' involvement in the crime. I am not in favour of collective punishment, but the ministry has a general tendence to make an example of cases like this. This means that in order to protect you, I will be forced to protect the other culprits as well. No one must know of your or their involvement."

Regulus nodded.

Dumbledore lowered his voice as he continued. "On the other downside, this means that there can be no punishment at all. And this puts me in a very difficult situation, seeing that as the headmaster of Hogwarts, it is my duty to protect _all_ my students. And keeping people I know are criminals, Death Eaters even, at school will inevitably put the rest of the student body and my staff in jeopardy. Unless… you and I protect them from harm."

"How am I supposed to…?"

Dumbledore smiled again. "You will go on as if nothing happened, as if you'd never spoken to me. You will tell no one of it, not even Sirius. You will observe the developments in Slytherin, on which you will report directly to me. Only this will allow me to ensure the safety of every single one of my students. Can you do that?"

"Yes, I can," Regulus responded without a moment's hesitation. Dumbledore's words were a silver lining on a charcoal black horizon.

"Then we won't speak of this incident again if not absolutely necessary. As long as you fulfill your part of our agreement."

tbc...

A/N: I uploaded a **one shot** , set in this universe, in the year 1986. I wasn't sure whether I should publish it, but then I reckoned that y'all are being so patient with my slow writing, therefore, consider it a treat. So, If you're interested, check it out. It was a bit weird but fun to write.

Also, thank you for all the reviews and messages. Don't forget to tell me what you think about this chapter. Writing torture was kind of out of my comfort zone, so I'm really curious about what you think of it.


	31. What is Green and Black

Sirius' fingers drummed on the table, his eyes firmly fixed on the Great Hall's entrance door. He was scanning the faces of the students that flooded through the door like a hawk searching the ground for one particular unlucky mouse.

"He's okay," James said with a full mouth. "He'll be here soon enough. You'll have the whole day left to rip his head off."

Remus' eyes flickered between the two. "Maybe he lost it. Maybe -"

"He didn't lose it." Sirius' tone was uncharacteristically brusque.

Remus and James exchanged a look. James rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the fried egg on his plate.

"I'm sure he's fine," Remus said. "It's just an unhappy coincidence."

Sirius' lips thinned. He forced his gaze off the door and looked at his breakfast. The sight of scrambled eggs and toast didn't appeal to him at all as it usually would've.

"Did you have an argument?" asked Peter. "Maybe he took it off because he's mad at you."

"No."

"The kid always has his knickers in a twist because of something," James said, chuckled. "Maybe it's his time of the month."

Peter cocked his head as he looked at Sirius. "Maybe you didn't notice that he was mad at you?"

"No. Everything was just fine," Sirius pressed out.

"We saw him on the map," Remus pointed out. "He's got to be fine. Maybe he overslept. It's Sunday, after all."

"Him being on the map doesn't mean a thing," Sirius responded curtly.

"It means he's not dead," said Peter.

James groaned. "You're not exactly helping, Wormtail. Maybe the spell just stopped working, Padfoot. Spells do that."

Sirius glared at him. "No, they bloody don't."

"His mates are here already," Peter noted with a nod toward the Slytherin table. Barty and Evan had been on time and were already almost finished with their breakfast. "Maybe they got drunk again and he's sleeping it off."

"Yeah, it's weekend after all," said James.

Sirius focused his attention on his brother's friends. Barty was clearly isolated, he sat alone with his head bent, on both of his sides was enough empty space that would've fitted at least two people, if not three. "Why aren't they sitting together?" he said, more to himself than to anyone else, his eyebrows creasing.

"Slytherins. They're all fuckin sociopaths, so that's why."

"James," Remus rebuked his friend.

"I've got it!" James exclaimed loudly. "Maybe - and listen, this theory is brilliant - maybe he got his knickers in a twist not because he fought with _you_ but because he had a rampus with his friends!" He clapped his hands. "And because of that, and because he's a little drama queen, he's staying as far away from them as he possibly can which explains…" he paused dramatically, "why he's not having breakfast in the Great Hall today."

"Would you just shut up?" Sirius sounded like he was on the verge of exploding.

James grinned. "Or he went on a hunger strike to break their will."

Remus shook his head at James.

James feigned innocence. "What? That'd be just like him."

Peter snickered. "And on top of all of that, he got totally wasted."

James smirked. "Yeah, Wormtail. That's exactly what must've happened."

Remus put his fork down and crossed his arms in front of his chest, frowning at both James and Peter. "Was that really necessary?"

James laughed at Remus' stern expression. "Yup." He snorted. Then he coughed and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. "Bloody egg went up my nose!"

To his right, Sirius straightened up, his eyes glued to the entrance. Then, Sirius relaxed.

James looked up. "He's there?"

"Yeah." Who would've thought that so much relief fit into a single word.

James watched the black-haired boy trudge to his friends, then plop down next to Barty. Evan scooted over to them, blocking James' view of the boy. "Damn. But it was a good theory, you have to admit that."

Sirius' face darkened as his brother crossed the room without so much as looking at him. "I'll go up to him," he hissed, making a move to get up.

James put his hand on Sirius' arm, stopped him. "Wait, let him have breakfast first." The boy was slumping his back like an old man. He'd be needing his strength, James reckoned.

"He won't starve from missing a meal," Sirius growled.

"I wouldn't bet on that. Regulus can be pretty passive-aggressive when he wants. If anyone ever manages to starve from missing a single meal, it'll be him."

Sirius almost smiled at that. Oddly enough, his best friend's idiotic comments helped him to get his worry back under control. He looked at James. "Don't you ever stop?"

James smirked to himself as he returned his attention to his half-eaten breakfast. "Only when you take over."

* * *

"Regulus."

Regulus jumped so hard at the sound of his name that his fork slipped out of his hand. He closed his eyes at the clinking sound it made when it fell to the floor. "Shit," he mumbled as he bent down to retrieve it.

What was Sirius doing here? He'd never come to the Slytherin table before, he'd always waited at the entrance. Granted, the Great Hall was almost empty, except for a few latecomers like himself who helped themselves to what was left of breakfast. But he rather faced cold eggs this morning than his housemates.

Sirius sat down next to him. "We have to have a talk."

Regulus wiped his fork on his robe. "Huh?" Only then did he look at Sirius. His brother's mouth was set in a grim line, impatience making his gaze restless.

"I'll just finish breakfast, okay?"

"Hurry up." Sirius looked around, scanned the Great Hall from the Slytherin perspective. He seemed incredibly misplaced. Regulus wolfed the rest of his breakfast down, definitely uncomfortable with the fact that Sirius had joined him on the _Slytherin table_ , of all the places!

"I'm done."

"Then follow me." Sirius' tone was uncharacteristically harsh, his jawline sharpened by the earlier silence.

Regulus had trouble keeping up with his brother who long-leggedly strode out of the Great Hall and then towards the next best empty classroom. Sirius held the door open. "Get in," was the short command.

As soon as Sirius had closed the door behind them, he grabbed Regulus by his arm and swung him around like he weighed nothing.

Regulus was shocked to feel Sirius planting an eye-watering slap in the centre of his behind. "Sirius!" he protested, cheeks flushing, instantly bending his stinging backside away.

"Where were you?!"

"W-what? When?" was everything Regulus managed to stammer. He twisted around to look his brother in the eye.

Sirius looked angry. Real angry.

Regulus couldn't breathe. Did Sirius know? How did he find out?

"What took you so long to come to breakfast?" Sirius shot the words at him like bullets. "Is it so difficult to be on time for once?!"

"I-I…"

"I was worried out of my mind!"

Regulus stared at his brother in utter confusion, his lips trembling in search for words his minds refused to form. However, for a short moment, there was almost something like relief that he felt. Sirius wasn't talking about the torture. But why was he so furious with him then?

"I… just slept in!" It wasn't true, he hadn't slept at all. But he couldn't tell that Sirius, of course.

The corners of Sirius' mouth twitched downward. He grabbed Regulus' other arm too, gave him a small shake. "Why'd you take it off?"

Regulus shook his head. "What?!" His eyes started to water. He wasn't used to such rough treatment from his brother. Sirius and he had been okay the last weeks, where was this anger coming from?

"Why. Did. You. Take. It. OFF?"

"Take what - ooh..." Realization dawned on him. "Do you mean the necklace?"

Sirius let his left arm go. A hard swat to his hip followed only a second later, so loud that it echoed from the walls like a gunshot.

"Oww - Siri, it's not how you think!" The boy took a quick step back and rubbed the smarting spot with his free hand.

"Then how is it?!"

"I didn't mean to," Reg stammered hastily. "It - it broke, The silver chain broke."

"Then why didn't you _fix it_?"

"I only noticed it this morning," Regulus said. "That it was gone. It must've happened when I was sleeping."

"This doesn't answer my question why you didn't FIX IT THE MOMENT YOU SAW IT!" Sirius was still furious. He yelled the last part.

"Stop YELLING at me," Regulus yelled back, chest heaving. He took a deep, shaky breath. "I just forgot!"

Sirius stared at him, eyes hard, his iron grip on Regulus' left arm hurting.

Regulus took a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry I forgot. But I don't see why you're so upset about it," he said softly. "Can you let my arm go, please? That hurts."

Sirius unclenched his hand from around Regulus' arm. As the boy's hand immediately went up to rub it, he began to pace around between the rows of desks. "How could you forget?! I was trying to reach you, the entire morning, worried that you were hurt or worse! The necklace inactivated; you don't respond when I call you with the bloody mirror, you don't come when it's time for breakfast - and then you wonder why I'm upset? Unbelievable!"

"You're overreacting." The words slipped out of Regulus' mouth without his consent. Inwardly, he kicked himself for not remembering to put the necklace back on. All of this could've been avoided with a simple _reparo_.

Sirius stopped his pacing, eyes blazing. _"Overreacting_? You know you're supposed to wear the necklace at all times. Period. No exceptions. So how could you possibly forget to repair it?"

Regulus looked at him, helplessly.

Sirius ran a hand over his face. "Where is it now?"

"In my dorm."

Sirius glared at him. "I told you to _keep it close at all times_. Forget about the broken chain, but you should at least have had enough sense to not simply leave it back there!"

Regulus felt his bottom lip tremble. He didn't know what to say, what to do to make Sirius calm down. He was sorry that he'd taken the necklace off but it really was so pointless to keep it - he wouldn't ever let Sirius risk his life to save him. Why couldn't Sirius simply calm down and let it go?

All he'd wanted today was to forget about everything for some time. He hadn't wanted to see his friends, hadn't wanted to answer Barty's questions and listen to Evan telling the same stale jokes as if nothing had changed. He couldn't take it, not today. The only person he'd thought that he wanted to see was Sirius. See his smile, eyes laughing like the sun, his warm baritone voice sweeping all the worries away.

But even that hadn't happened. Instead, he got yelled at and even smacked.

"I'm going accompany you back there then. You are going to retrieve the necklace, we'll repair it and then we'll discuss the rest," Sirius decided.

"What's left to discuss? I already said I'm sorry," Regulus responded, his voice dangerously close to a whine.

Sirius cast him a stern glare. "You better watch your tone. I told you that I'd put you over my knee if you took it off, so if you want me to change my mind on being lenient then just keep going."

Regulus' vision blurred. This was being lenient? It was too much. "It was an accident," he whispered. It wasn't like he'd had a choice on taking it off.

"The chain breaking, yes, maybe. Be that as it may, not repairing it instantly is sheer carelessness!"

Sirius _was_ overreacting. Carelessness? It would've been careless to keep the necklace on. However, Regulus was too smart to contradict his brother. Instead, he glared at his shoes, the leather a dark contrast against the smoke-white stone floor. They were same shoes he'd worn last night.

Was there still blood on them? His insides squirmed at the thought, bile rose in his throat. He closed his eyes, fighting the urge to rip them off his feet and throw them across the room, get them away from him as far as he possibly could. Sirius was talking, words fast, rippling like soundwaves in front of his inner eye, indistinct as he blended everything out while fighting his nausea.

"Do you listen?" Sirius' voice like a percussion drill, impatient, startling him.

Regulus nodded automatically even though he hadn't listened to a word.

"Then what did I say?"

Tears again, in his eyes. Why couldn't Sirius just leave it alone?

"You are _so close_ to getting that spanking." Sirius held his thumb and forefinger half an inch apart. "Now you better answer my question!"

Regulus looked up. "I was careless," he whispered, daring a glance at his brother, a giant lump of tears trapping his voice in his throat. "I made a mistake, and I'm sorry."

Sirius held his gaze. Then, his shoulders slumped and he sighed. "Okay," he said. "Okay." He reached out and gently cupped Regulus' chin. "You have to understand how important it is that you wear the necklace at all times. I know we argued about this before but the dungeons aren't safe, no matter what you think. There are people in Slytherin who'd harm you. They don't even need a reason for that," Sirius choked up. "There was an attack last night. A journalist, he was almost killed."

Regulus felt a jolt go through his body.

"You didn't read the newspaper today, did you?" Sirius asked. "Right, how could you have…" he cleared his throat. Hesitated, clearly not wanting to be the bearer of such horrifying news. "It was the author of the article that caused such a tumult yesterday, when Mulciber and Rosier stormed out of the Great Hall, throwing that giant temper tantrum."

Regulus swallowed hard. At least Ward was alive.

"I want you to stay away from them," Sirius said. "Mulciber, Avery, Snape. They're Death Eaters, I just know it. It could've been them."

If Regulus had only listened to his brother. If he'd only trusted him. Maybe they would've found a way... But now it was too late to stay away anymore. "I can't. They're Slytherins."

"You must. They're murderers. You have no idea how hard it is for me to allow you to stay in the dungeons."

Regulus looked up at his brother, shocked. "Allow me? W-what?"

"I know you don't like it. But if I feel that I can't protect you there, I'll have to take you out of Slytherin. I'm not gonna let them attack you or hurt you."

"You can't take me out of Slytherin! You can't!" Regulus' voice rose as panic wrapped its cold fingers around his stomach.

Sirius' fingers tightened around Regulus' chin. "I'm not, yet. But I certainly _can_ and I will if necessary. So in order to prevent that, you wear that necklace, always. You keep the mirror close. You stay away from those guys."

Regulus knew that Sirius didn't want to put him in danger, that Sirius only wanted to keep him safe. But this would result in even more lies and even more pressure and pain and danger.

He couldn't stand it. That jungle of lies, like ropes it wrapped around his legs as he fought his way through the undergrowth. There was no end in sight, no point to it all aside from pure survival. How should he get out of it? Could he stop running?

 _You will tell no one of it, not even Sirius._

The blood on his hands. He had no choice.

One more lie it was then.

There was no way back. There was no way at all that he followed. He was running with his eyes closed, galloping, the way a horse would run until it broke.

* * *

The day two weeks before the holidays was painted a smudgy shade of grey, smelling of candles and dirty floors. The choir had been rehearsing that morning, and the catchy melodies of Christmas carols and wizarding folk songs were transported into the afternoon by students humming and whistling, their eyes smiling dreamily.

The attack on Ward had been the hot topic of conversation for a few days but when a whole week had passed, anticipating Christmas had swept all gloominess away with bright lights and the cinnamon-scent of horse-shaped speculoos. Sirius had even apologized to Regulus a few days later, his expression pained as he confessed that he felt incredibly bad for yelling at him and losing his temper like some tyrant. Regulus had accepted, naturally. He'd deserved it, even though Sirius didn't know that. However, he noticed an overall nervousness now and then rolling across Sirius' features, brushing his thinning lips and echoing in a restless gaze, despite Sirius trying his best to hide it. So Regulus wore the necklace, even carried the mirror around, despite knowing that in the case of an emergency, they'd be the first things he'd get rid of in order to protect his big brother.

It could've been a good day. Regulus had his favourite classes in the morning, and he got a good grade for a Transfiguration essay he'd written. A proud smile showed on his face when he thought about showing it to Sirius later that day. This was another thing that he loved about having Sirius back - to have someone who was proud of his achievements. To have someone being proud of him in general. It made Regulus try even harder to do his best.

He was on his way to the Quidditch pitch, stomping through the thick carpet of snow that covered the ground, leaving almost knee-deep holes behind where the frozen surface had cracked under his feet like the caramelized layer on top of crème brûlée. Yesterday, Sirius had had the idea that they could train a bit together, and flying with Sirius was always great, so Reg was looking forward to that too.

The Quidditch pitch was already well in sight when Regulus noticed a dark, very thin figure close to the Forbidden Forest. It was coming closer.

Torn between curiosity and apprehension, Regulus stopped dead in his tracks, watched the figure. It didn't take long until he recognized it - it was Severus' unmistakable way of dragging his feet, his body as thin as a rake, with his large nose sticking out just above the dark woolen scarf that was wrapped around his skinny neck and the lower part of his face. Severus' coat had definitely seen better times, and his sleeves were too short to cover his bony wrists.

"Regulus," Severus greeted him, his voice muffled by his scarf.

Regulus nodded at him, unwittingly narrowing his eyes. He'd tried to avoid the older Slytherins as much as possible since the attack, and not only because Sirius wanted him to. Merely looking at them made him feel sick to his stomach. And knowing about the thumb hanging on a leather band around Mulciber's neck didn't help. Sometimes he even thought he could see its vague shape show beneath the innocent white of his shirts.

"What are you doing out here?"

Regulus' eyes flickered over to the Quidditch pitch. "I'm going for a fly."

"Barty's been looking for you everywhere since lunch. Where the hell have you been?"

Regulus shrugged. "I've been reading." He made a step further down the path. "I really have to go… you can tell him I'll see him at dinner."

Severus huffed. "I'm not your owl." He hugged himself around the middle, unsuccessfully trying to shield himself from the gushes of icy wind lashing his body "Why are you hiding from us?"

Regulus stiffened. "What? I'm not hiding!"

Severus scoffed. "Yeah, right. Don't insult my intelligence, Black."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I have to go now and you should too if you don't want to turn into a snowman." He backed away.

Unfortunately, Severus followed him. "I've been watching you," he said. "Since September. And especially since we slaughtered that pig." He touched Regulus' shoulder as the boy once more turned to look at the Quidditch pitch. Regulus jumped at the touch. "There's something off with you. I know it. You're acting strange. Barty thinks so too."

"I don't care what you think," Regulus said forcefully.

Severus' eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't know what you're up to -"

"HEY!" Someone hollered.

Regulus saw a hostile expression enter Severus' eyes. He stared over Regulus' head at someone behind him. The boy quickly turned around.

James. Of course. James bloody Potter always chose the worst moments to make an appearance. The nuisance. Regulus suppressed a groan.

"Get your slimy hands off him, Snivellus," James said when he'd closed up on them.

Severus did. A moment later, he'd produced his wand, directed it at James, his pale hands shaking from the cold.

James simply scoffed at him. He turned to Regulus. "Sirius is looking for you. He says it's too windy and wants to postpone the flying to tomorrow."

Regulus frowned. "Couldn't he have told me that sooner?"

"He tried with the mirror. Have you forgotten it?"

Regulus' hand immediately went to feel his coat's pocket. There it was, the sharp edges, the even surface. He hadn't forgotten it but he must've overheard Sirius' calls. "None of your business," he snarled, embarrassed. It bothered him that James knew how protective Sirius was of him, like he was some baby who couldn't take care of himself.

"Right, whatever." James' eyes flickered between Severus and Regulus. "Am I interrupting something important? Because I think you're not supposed to be associating with his kind," he added, a disdainful expression on his face.

Regulus genuinely hated him in that very moment. He blushed several shades of red. "I don't bloody care what you think, Potter," he spat with as much contempt as he managed to regurgitate. How did James even know that Sirius had forbidden him to hang out with the older Slytherins? Did Sirius have to share everything with James or what?

James' eyebrows twitched in surprised anger. He took a step back. "We'll see about that, dimwit. However, I know for a fact that it'd be in your best interest to shut your insolent gob and follow me back to the castle, now."

Severus had lowered his wand and cast a questioning glance at Regulus, trying to make sense of the scene that unfolded itself in front of his eyes.

Regulus stood frozen for a moment. "You know nothing," he responded coldly. "I'm going to the Quidditch pitch. In case Sirius hasn't gotten the news yet - it's winter, it's always cold and snowy! And that's not gonna change for a few more months, so if he wants to hide his lazy arse in the castle until spring, fine, I'm not. Now sod off."

James actually looked surprised like he'd expected Regulus to toe to line like a dog. The corners of Regulus' mouth bent downward. James must be mental if he thought that he held any kind of authority over him. No, he wouldn't be ordered around by some arrogant bully.

The next thing he knew was that he was grabbed by his wrist. James was fully intending to simply drag him along like you did some child! Regulus struggled against him, snow splashing. James was strong. In the corners of his eyes, he saw Severus staring at them incredulously.

Regulus whipped his wand from his pocket, pointed it at James. He wasn't sure how exactly he would hex him, but he definitely would.

James realized that too. He acted as fast as lightning and snapped Regulus' wand from his fingers.

"Hey -" Regulus yelled.

James leaned close to his ear. "You follow me now, or I swear, I'll throw you over my shoulder and carry you. If you think I'm going to leave you here, alone with that Death Eater, you've got to be mental," he hissed. "See you, Snivelly. Pretty impressive icicle you've grown there in your face," he jibed, referring to Snape's frozen nose, while giving Regulus' arm a hefty tug.

The boy stumbled after him. A helpless, embarrassed rage tied his tongue to his gums, making him speechless. Severus stayed where he was, staring after them. A cloud of dangerous realization thinned his lips and hardened his eyes, replacing the earlier confusion in his expression.

"How dare you!" Regulus shouted as soon as Severus was out of sight. "Fucking let go of me, Potter!" He aimed a kick at James' legs.

James grunted in pain when Regulus' shoe connected with his shin. "You can discuss this with Sirius in a moment. I'm not in the mood for your tantrums," he hissed and gave Regulus' arm a small shake.

"Give me my wand! I'm gonna kill you!"

"Don't you mean 'or I'm gonna kill you'?"

Absolutely furious, Regulus let loose a string of profanity that caused James to gasp and almost release him.

"You're a wicked little bugger, you know that? I don't know how Sirius does it," James said after he got over the shock of being insulted so openly by this brat he'd just rescued. "But if you were my brother, I would've throttled you long ago." His fingers tightened around Regulus' arm. He gave it another harsh tug, dragging the boy after him as he headed for the castle, focused like a steam locomotive, hardly being able to wait until he'd get rid of the brat. Sirius could see how he dealt with him.

* * *

It was the second time in barely two weeks that Sirius was faced with that sullen look in his brother's eyes, having to discuss his safety. This time, however, Regulus wasn't nearly as sensible.

"So I can't go anywhere alone, is that what you're saying?" Regulus said with a snarl. He stood in front of Sirius like an ill-tempered toddler who was about to stomp his foot.

Sirius sighed. His fingers tightened around a mug filled with hot tea as he leaned back against the cushions. "I didn't say that. But you know that you're not supposed to talk to Snape or any of those other Death Eaters. You're supposed to stay away from them!"

"He's not a Death Eater," came the snappish reply. There was no one else in the common room, so Regulus didn't even try to keep his voice down.

"He's as good as one." Sirius put the mug down, crossed his arms in front of his chest. "It shouldn't have even been necessary for James having to force you to come back with him."

"I was going to the Quidditch pitch, we only exchanged a few words! He wouldn't've come with me, Severus hates flying!"

"You don't get it, right? He's a criminal. He already hurt you once, just to get back at me. Someone who does that is no friend to you!"

He could see the muscles around Regulus' jaw working.

"James has no right to order me around. If you had turned up like you promised then there wouldn't have been a problem. Instead, you were too lazy to come and get me yourself and instead sent that _arse_ to collect me! How did you think I'd react?!"

Actually, James had been on his way to Hagrid's when he'd spotted Regulus. "I didn't send him, Reg. I tried to reach you -"

"I had a really good day and you destroyed everything," Regulus almost yelled. "I was looking forward to flying!"

Sirius flinched at his brother's emotional outburst. "I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling well and I didn't want to risk getting pneumonia."

Regulus sullenly crossed his arms, stared at his feet.

"Please don't blame James, Reggie. He only meant to protect you," Sirius said softly.

Regulus' eyebrows twitched. His gaze remained glued to the floor. "He embarrassed me," he whispered. Sirius had to strain his ears in order to hear his words.

Sirius stared at the mug, ran his thumb over the smooth porcelain. A painted herd of reindeer cantered around its rim, tickling him each time it passed his thumb. He knew that he should tell Regulus that it was his own fault, that if he'd simply followed James back without making a fuss, there wouldn't have been anything embarrassing about it. Reg had been a right brat to James when they'd entered the room a few minutes ago, and it had in fact been so bad that James had simply stomped off with nothing more than an irate glare after delivering the boy and tossing his wand to Sirius, then slamming the door behind him. "You told me he forced you … Would you have gone with him on your own too?" Sirius asked carefully.

Regulus hesitated for a moment. "Why should I? There was no reason for me to come here! I wanted to fly, and that's what I'm going to do now too -"

"Reg," Sirius interrupted him, "leaving you there, with Snape, wasn't an option for him. I told you, Snape's dangerous…"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Whatever, you don't get it. I wanna go fly now. Can I?"

"You can."

It wasn't like Sirius hadn't looked forward to flying with Reg. He loved flying with his little brother, and he'd been disappointed when he'd realized that he was just on the edge of getting sick. Spending time with Reg was his favourite part of the day. He didn't want to miss it. "Don't you want to stay? We could play chess and eat biscuits." The smile that formed on his lips was interrupted by a nasty cough.

Regulus hesitated. Sirius could see Reg struggle with his stubbornness. Then Regulus' eyes softened as his will to make peace with Sirius prevailed. And perhaps he even felt a bit sorry for him for having caught such a bad cough. He gazed at the windows, considered the white cold. "I really wanted to fly," he said slowly. "But biscuits sound good too."

* * *

"Regulus?" Barty's voice was an eager whisper as it split the silence consisting of soft snores and the occasional rustle of sheets.

Regulus stared at the ceiling, the soft mattress beneath him felt like it was about to swallow him. He wouldn't have minded.

"Regulus!" Barty hissed, louder this time.

Regulus pried his gaze off the ceiling. His friend had propped himself up on his elbows, stared in his direction. "Yeah?" Regulus sighed.

"Can I ask you something?"

 _I don_ _'t know. Can you?_ "Sure."

"What did really happen during the summer?"

"What? You know what happened."

Barty sat up. "Yeah, but… I talked to Severus today. You're acting strange, Regulus, don't deny it."

Regulus shrugged, more to himself, as Barty wouldn't be able to see it in the dark room. A fish swam by the window, its fins shimmering transparently, almost touching the glass. Its shadow traversed the walls until it disappeared in the blurred green of sea-grass and algae. "Okay," he simply said. _Then I won_ _'t deny it._

"Severus told me what happened today," Barty said, starting out in a whisper and then forgetting about having to be quiet.

Regulus closed his eyes. He'd known that Severus wasn't going to be able to keep his mouth shut.

When it was clear that he wasn't getting a response, Barty continued, more hesitant this time. "Why do you let them order you around? Are they blackmailing or something? What do they have on you?"

"Nothing, Barty. Everything is just fine." What a weak act. Having to follow a Gryffindor's orders was about the greatest shame any Slytherin could imagine.

"I don't think so."

Regulus stared out of the window. The sheet of ice that covered the Black Lake was growing thicker. He wondered how long one could hold his breath when trapped in this ice water. Probably not for very long. Freezing and drowning. Was that dying two deaths then, simultaneously?

"Regulus? You're my best friend. You know that I'd tell you anything."

That was true. Regulus knew about the darkest details of Barty's home life. Wasn't it strange that, year after year, he'd felt sorry for Barty having to return 'home', but he'd never had any compassion for Sirius when it was time to return to Grimmauld Place, time to face their parents? "I know."

"Then why don't you trust me?"

That same question, coming out of the mouth of everyone he was close to. "I do," he lied. _I would if I could._ And then, truth wrestled its way over his lips. "My father died, Barty. I have no family left except for Sirius. I can't…" He blinked quickly, trying to alleviate the burning sensation that built up in his eyes. _I can_ _'t lose him._ "He's my brother," he breathed.

Silence. Regulus counted Evan's snores. One. Two. Three. Four…

"We are your family, Regulus. We are Slytherin."

tbc...


	32. All I want for Christmas

_A/N: A happy 2018 to you all! And I'm sorry that the "Christmas chapter" is late, I actually planned to post it before Christmas but oh well, close enough I guess, lol. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed so far! Enjoy._

Big, fluffy flakes fluttered to the ground, materializing out of this endless, silent darkness that encompassed the glistening white ground like a giant tent. Magic lay in the air, coming from the countless lights which adorned bare branches, like small stars replacing the long fallen leaves and reanimating the sleeping trees' hidden beauty.

Pressing his palm against the cold window glass, enchanted by the peaceful scene that presented itself outside, Regulus realized that he had never seen Christmas quite this way. Garlands of lights bathed the muggle town in placid happiness and when he looked out of the Potters'  
living room window, the stars on the clear night sky faded in comparison with the decorated houses' brightness. Had heaven and earth swapped places?

Where had this beauty been all his life?

Christmas had been a dark holiday as long as he could remember. In the city, there was barely any snow around Christmas time, and in the seldom case that there was, it ended up as grey slush shoved to the side of the street, piled up as dirty mountains of salty, frozen water. There was nothing magical about it. The days had been short and grey in the city, marked by a hectic hustle and bustle and an overall consumerist panic. At their parents' house, Kreacher had used to decorate the hallways with heavy, spruce-smelling garlands which had pricked his fingers when Regulus touched its spiky needles. There had been lights too, but they'd seemed forlorn in the darkness, had increased it even; the way a single candle does when you enter a dark house and the flickering half-light etches dark corners and gloomy furniture into the blackness, paradoxically making the darkness even more visible. Sometimes it seems better to feel your way around and become one with the darkness instead of staring at it from the outside.

Christmas at the Potters' house was nothing like at Grimmauld Place. Even at Hogwarts, it was different. Christmas time at Hogwarts was great, but it was rather busy and crowded, not personal in the way that it spread love and cosiness like the Potters' house did.

Mrs. Potter had decorated the entire house, from top to bottom. In the front yard, lights lined the way up to the front door, magically hovering a few inches above the ground. Inside, the smell of Christmas cookies and the sound of Handel's Messiah instantly put the happiest smile on Sirius' face when they had entered the house earlier that same day.

"This is going to be the best Christmas ever," Sirius had promised. Regulus hadn't been keen on spending the holidays with the Potters, for obvious reasons. James and he hadn't exchanged a single word since James had dared to force him back to the castle two weeks earlier but Sirius had assured him that he'd make sure that James wouldn't harass him in any way. Regulus hoped he was right. He reckoned he could live with treating James like he wasn't there as long as James returned the favor.

He didn't want to ruin Sirius' Christmas. Regulus told himself, again and again, that he was going to control his temper and moody outbursts. It wouldn't be easy. His moods crept up on him like a wildcat and then, suddenly, he was thrown off balance by it jumping at him out of nowhere. There was no way to prepare for it.

But he wouldn't let them ruin these holidays. How difficult could it be to keep his mood swings in check for merely two weeks?

On the other hand, he'd have to share a room with Sirius, so there was no way he could avoid him or have some kind of personal space without Sirius being able to disrupt it.

He hadn't shared a room with Sirius for a long time.

"It'll be great," Sirius had said.

In Sirius' imagination, everything was always great. Sirius probably imagined them talking all night, having a good time while playing games and eating cookies in the candlelight.

Would it really be like that?

Or would those evenings be marked by tense silence? Regulus hoped not. And if so, it would most likely be the fault of his filthy mood, the boy knew that.

"How do you know that?" Regulus had asked cautiously. "I might just ruin Christmas for all of you."

Sirius had playfully rolled his eyes. "That's not possible," he'd said with such confidence that Regulus' heart constricted.

 _Maybe it_ _'s possible. I might just surprise you. Disappoint you._

Despite his worries, Regulus firmly planned on trying to be at his best. If Sirius and James could do it, he should too, shouldn't he?

Regulus averted his gaze from the window. Mr Potter sat in his favourite armchair next to the fireplace, reading a book, a glass of firewhiskey on the coffee table in front of him. Next to the drink stood a poinsettia, its flaming red bracts sitting on dark green leaves like a fiery star. He remembered that they'd used its leaves not long ago in potions class to make a burn-healing paste.

"Do you like Handel's Messiah?" Mr Potter asked, jolting Regulus from his daydreams.

Regulus nodded. He'd heard it before, but it had never been as harmonious as it was now. It was like it belonged to this place.

Mr Potter smiled softly. "Mrs Potter listens to it 24/7 in December. James claims that it's grating on his ears, but for her, it's tradition. Did you have any Christmas traditions at home that you'd like to introduce us to?"

The man meant to be nice, Regulus knew that. Still, saying no made him feel somewhat sad.

A snowball exploded against the window. Regulus jumped, then suppressed a chuckle. Sirius and James were standing close to the head-high hedge that separated the Potters' garden from the pavement. Regulus was glad to see his brother, having felt a bit awkward alone with the Potters. Sirius and James had left a few hours earlier, shortly after storing their luggage away, claiming that they had something incredibly important to do. Regulus wondered if they'd been out desperately hunting for some last-minute Christmas presents or if they'd actually planned something.

Sirius formed the second snowball, a broad grin on his face as he aimed it at Regulus, who, despite standing protected behind the window, instinctively lifted his arms to protect his face.

Mr Potter laughed. "Those rascals!" The man got up, opened the window. "Boys -" SPLASH - a snowball hit him straight across his chest.

Regulus froze in shock, stared at the man who nonchalantly swept the snow from his shirt. He could hear James' laugh, it had an uncanny resemblance to a dog's bark.

"Just you wait, buddy," Mr Potter growled. He strode out of the house. Regulus followed. Mr Potter raised his wand, levitated perfectly formed snowballs from out the white mass on the ground.

"Hey, Dad, that's cheating -" James protested the use of magic.

Mr Potter ignored him, turned and looked at Regulus. "Come, let's teach those idiots some respect - they'll think twice about messing with us when we're done with them!" As he winked at the boy, he bore an uncanny resemblance to both James _and_ Sirius.

A few minutes later, Regulus found himself being whirled through the air and dumped into a huge heap of snow, Sirius laughing as he mercilessly soaped the boy with freshly fallen snow. Mr Potter had James in a headlock when Mrs Potter appeared in the doorway. Her lips quirked upwards as she watched her boys being boys. Then, smart like she was, she summoned a cloak and a pair of gloves before joining in on the fun.

* * *

Sirius' room was very cramped now that the Potters had had to move the furniture around to squeeze the second bed in, but all in all, it fitted to leave a narrow, about three-foot-wide passageway between the beds. The first night, when Regulus had gone to bed already and Sirius followed not long after, both of them lay in curious silence, taking in the sounds of the other moving under the covers, and Regulus found it a strange thought that, for the longest part of the year, Sirius shared a room with James, as this seemed more like it was supposed to be. Him and Sirius.

"Reg?" Sirius was first to release half-whispered words into the dark room. "Are you asleep already?"

"Yes," Regulus smiled. Like he'd fall asleep so quickly.

"Pity."

"Why?"

"Can't tell you, cause who'd talk with a sleeping person? That'd be stupid."

"Who cares, if I'm sleeping, there's no one to retell it."

"You got a point."

"So what did you want to say?"

Sirius smiled to himself. "There's a skyline on the wall."

Regulus turned his head. A bright streak of moonlight shone through the window just above Sirius' bed and threw skewed shadows on the wall next to Regulus'. The silhouettes of plants and all kinds of weird-looking junk Sirius had collected over the years and placed on the window sill were reflected in the elongated shadows that looked like houses, mills, and trees.

"I can see it," Regulus said.

Sirius lifted his arm, wiggled his fingers. A dark silhouette, strongly resembling a palm tree, appeared on the wall. Sirius lifted his other arm as well, put his hands together. The silhouette changed to a dog's shape.

" _Woof, I_ _'m Padfoot, the most amazing dog in the world_ ," Sirius said, his voice deeper and than usual and somewhat husky.

Regulus laughed loudly, then covered his mouth with his hand.

The shadow on the wall changed to the side profile of a boy. " _I_ _'m Padfoot's kid brother. And I'm the most amazing brother in the world_ ," Sirius said, his voice high and clear now.

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Very funny. A dog and a human as brothers? That makes me wonder about their parents."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. " _I have a very dirty imagination. I wonder what my brother will say about that._ " The high voice said, breaking a bit towards the end.

The boy disappeared and the dog took his place.

"Sirius, stop it," Regulus moaned.

"Then what does the kid say?"

"I'm not five anymore, Sirius," Regulus said, somewhat annoyed.

" _I_ _'m not five anymore_ ," Sirius echoed in a high voice.

"You're _not_ funny!" Regulus turned away from the wall.

Sirius recognized genuine annoyance in his brother's voice. He dropped his hand, a bit disappointed. He'd only wanted to hear Reg laugh.

Silence again.

"You wanna see something else?" Sirius said.

"What?" Regulus said forcefully. He propped himself up on one arm, glared at his brother.

Sirius switched on the lamp on the night stand, causing the younger boy to squint at the sudden dazzling light flooding the room. He sat up and lifted the hem of his pyjama top over his shoulders to reveal his bare chest. "See, I got a tattoo."

Regulus stared, totally surprised. A line of black magical runes ran down Sirius' sternum, reaching almost to his navel. Regulus got up from his bed, leaned close to inspect the tattoo in all its details. "Is this for real?"

Sirius grinned. "Yup. Wicked, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Regulus marvelled. For a fleetingly short moment, Sirius saw that look of adoration in Regulus' eyes again, the look that made him feel like a superhero.

"What does it mean?" The boy asked.

"Those are mostly protection and power-strengthening runes."

"I can see that. For what?"

"It'll strengthen my animagus form, and it's supposed to -"

"Make you tougher?" Regulus suppressed a laugh.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty much toughness impersonated already, nothing can beat me when it comes to animagus tricks, but yeah."

Regulus looked up at his brother, smirked. "Sure you are, Mr. Supercool."

"Come on, let me have my moment. I'm in need of some admiration here."

This time, the boy actually laughed. "I'm impressed you got the internal grammatical structure of the spell right."

"I double checked it before I got it done."

"I'm glad. Otherwise, if they'd misspelled or simply made up some sigils, I'm not sure you would've noticed in time."

"Shut up." Sirius dropped the hem of his pajama top.

Regulus leaned back, balanced on his heels. "When did you get it done anyway?"

"This afternoon, when I and James visited Diagon Alley. There's a tattoo artist not far from there."

"In Diagon Alley?"

"No, in one of the muggle streets nearby. But the tattooist is a muggleborn wizard, so they're still magical tattoos despite having been done the muggle way."

"What muggle way?"

"Muggles use needles."

"Oh. _Oooh_." Regulus visibly shivered at the thought. His imagination conjured up horrible pictures in front of his mind's eye, of thousands of sharp, long needles, all stuck into his brother's skin, covering his chest like hedgehog spines. "Did it hurt?" Regulus had only ever heard of the wizarding tattooing method, a spellwork that magically transferred ink under the costumer's skin without breaking it and thus barely causing any pain.

Sirius shrugged. It had indeed hurt quite a bit, but he wouldn't admit that to Reg, of course. He wasn't a wimp. "It wasn't exactly a walk in the park, but still bearable. The upside of the muggle technique is that they do some really great artwork there too. You should see James' tattoo."

"James got one too?"

"Sure."

Regulus' eyebrows creased. Whenever something exciting happened, James was automatically in on it and Regulus only knew about it afterwards. "So you planned this? Why did you leave me behind?"

"James wanted it to be a surprise, for Lily. And kids aren't allowed in there anyway." Sirius bit his tongue a split second after those words left his mouth. "Sorry," he added quickly.

Regulus chewed on his lip. At least the reason he'd had to stay behind didn't have anything to do with Sirius not wanting him to go to Diagon Alley. "It's fine," he said eventually. His expression brightened again. "And the outcome _does_ look great. I wish I could've watched it being done."

"We can go there together when you're older," Sirius suggested. "Get some matching tattoos."

"Really?"

"Sure, why not."

"Needles really sound dangerous," Regulus mused. "And painful." He looked at Sirius, and there was again that spark of admiration in his eyes.

"You wouldn't bat an eyelid at it, I'm sure," Sirius said. "You're already a lot tougher than I was at your age."

A small smile traversed Regulus' lips.

* * *

Sirius and James chose to reveal their new tattoos on Christmas Day shortly after having dinner. Lily was there, as well as Mr Potter's uncle Randolph, a white-haired, cloth-eared man whose eyes glinted mischievously every time he understood something the wrong way.

The surprise for Lily went well where she was concerned. Lily gasped at the sight of the beautiful lily tattoo that graced her boyfriend's biceps, almost cried with joy, then jumped into James' arms and kissed him passionately, forgetting about everyone else for a few seconds.

Mrs and Mr Potter exchanged a look. Mr Potter turned very silent whereas an amused smile played around Mrs Potter's lips. The two of them had never agreed on topics like these.

"Don't pull such a face," Mrs Potter said as soon as she had the opportunity to talk to her husband alone. "It's cute that he got that for her. It's romantic."

When she'd met Fleamont, shortly after taking on a new job at the Ministry of Magic some thirty years ago, he'd stood out to her because he wasn't like the other young men she'd dated before. She'd found love in his crooked smile, his gentle eyes, his cheese crust pizzas, his uncompromising reliability and ethics. He was the leaf for her butterfly. Still, she knew that Fleamont didn't do as well with changes as she did, and he was a cautious, almost reluctant person. Much more so than she was, let alone James or Sirius. It was, therefore, their boys' rashness that had caused at least some of his worry lines and sleepless nights, justified or not.

"It's permanent," Mr Potter responded, keeping his voice low so they wouldn't be heard. "They're so young, both of them. They should have known better."

"It's done now," Mrs Potter said curtly, stacking the dirty dishes she'd brought from the dining room on the kitchen counter.

From the other room, cackling laughter could be heard. "No, Uncle Randolph, I said _opinions_ , not onions. People have different _opinions_." James spoke so loudly that, even in the kitchen, they could hear every single word.

Mrs Potter laughed softly at the disgruntled expression on her husband's face. "It's only a flower, Fleamont. It's not like he tattooed her name on his arm."

Mr Potter said nothing for a while. "They're going to be the death of me," he murmured eventually.

He turned around, then froze. Sirius stood in the door frame, empty wine and lemonade bottles in his arms and a look on his face that made Mr Potter wish he could swallow words back down that were already spoken.

Sirius wordlessly crossed the room and put the bottles on the counter, next to the dishes. Mrs Potter rested her hand on Sirius' arm. "I think those tattoos you two got look great. When I was young," she said, her eyes on her husband, "I found those things irresistible looking."

Mr Potter stared at the floor.

"James loves Lily," Sirius said slowly. "And Lily loves him. She really does. I don't think they'll ever split up so it won't become a problem…"

Mrs Potter smiled at him, took a plate with sweets and biscuits she'd prepared earlier and returned to the dining room where the sight of new sweets emitted a loud jeer from James.

Mr Potter cleared his throat, the both of them having the kitchen for themselves now. "I didn't mean what I just said, Sirius, not in the way you think. I don't want you to feel bad about this tattoo of yours only because of the way I feel about this kind of body… decoration. I know my views are probably outdated by now, and you young people feel very differently about the topic."

"You don't have to like it," Sirius said. "I just hope you're not too disappointed in us."

Mr Potter scoffed playfully, rolled his eyes. Then he clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "Son, I'd never be disappointed in you. And you're absolutely right, I don't have to like it. I'm glad as long as it makes you happy."

* * *

At one point in the evening, Regulus managed to sidle off to his and Sirius' bedroom. He'd told Mrs Potter that he had to go to the bathroom, and the others didn't even notice him leaving, absorbed in a very boring discussion about muggle means of transportation and how they regulated the traffic.

After closing the room's door, Regulus cleared his voice and whispered "Kreacher!"

A sop pop sounded through the room.

Kreacher seemed somewhat confused, then he turned and recognized his young master. "Master Regulus!" he squealed, not managing to hide his excitement.

Regulus lowered himself to his knees, a bright smile entering his face at the sight of the elderly elf.

Kreacher made a deep bow. "Master, how can Kreacher be of service?"

It had been so long since Regulus had heard Kreacher's voice, and he suddenly realized how much he'd missed the elf. This elf, his parents' legacy whittled down to one last breathing pair of hairy ears. He knew he shouldn't be thinking like this.

"Merry Christmas, Kreacher," Regulus responded. He produced a small package, Christmas biscuits wrapped in wrinkled wrapping paper, a leftover from one of the presents Regulus had been given. "I know I'm late, but it's still Christmas day… anyway, this is for you."

Kreacher's bony hands shook as he received the present, his eyes widening first, then watering. "M-master Regulus says this is for Kreacher?" he stammered, not able to believe his ears.

Regulus felt a tang of guilt. The idea of getting Kreacher a Christmas present had been spontaneous, only now did he realize that Kreacher had never actually gotten anything from their family, not at Christmas, not at any other point in time.

For a short moment, Kreacher looked as if he'd refuse to accept the present, stared at it while holding it so carefully as if he was afraid he could break it.

"Yes, it's your Christmas present," Regulus said.

Kreacher pressed the wrinkled package to his chest, looking up at Regulus. A second later, he let loose a heart-wrenching wail.

Regulus flinched, at the volume, tensed up. There was no way that this hadn't been heard downstairs. He raised his hands, tried to calm Kreacher down "It's okay, Kreacher, please -" but there were already footsteps audible, quickly following up the stairs. Regulus jumped up, adrenaline pulsating through his veins, his heart beating up to his throat, all the while Kreacher had dropped to his knees and dissolved into a waterfall of gratitude.

Before the boy reached the door, it was ripped open from the other side, revealing Sirius who was breathing hard after his sprint upstairs.

There was no point in trying to hide Kreacher, Sirius had already seen him.

"What is _he_ doing here?!" Sirius glowered at Kreacher, who point-blank returned the look of mutual contempt, Regulus' Christmas present protectively hugged against his narrow chest, partially hiding it under the rags that hung from his shoulders.

"I summoned him," Regulus said quickly.

Sirius turned to look at Regulus, his face dark looking. "What in the name of Merlin?!"

"It's Christmas. I had a Christmas present for him." Despite the dangerous tone in Sirius' voice, Regulus bravely held his ground. He moved to stand in front of Kreacher.

"What Christmas present?!"

"Biscuits."

It was only then that Sirius noticed the small package in Kreacher's skinny arms; he knew that wrapping paper well, white snowflakes on a red background, the same one that he'd used for Regulus' presents. He looked back at his brother, suddenly recognized the look on Regulus' face. It was protectiveness. Regulus tried to protect Kreacher from him.

"Fine," Sirius mumbled, embarrassed that his brother felt the need for that. "Though I don't want you to summon him again without my permission, okay?"

Regulus nodded, eyebrows twitching at the short command.

Sirius stood frozen for another moment, awkwardly rooted to the spot, then he forced himself to leave the room and close the door. Leaning against the opposite wall, he could still feel his heart beating fast, and he kicked himself, yes, he was fucking overprotective, damn him if he'd now managed to ruin Regulus' Christmas. The day had started off so well after all.

A few minutes later, Regulus emerged from their bedroom. Casting Sirius a wary glance, he made a move to return back downstairs. Sirius fell in pace next to him, wordlessly.

Fortunately, Regulus didn't seem to be angry at him. The evening was fun, and Sirius watched the thaw that had set in between Regulus and the Potters with amazement. Uncle Randolph, in particular, seemed to have taken a liking to the boy and vice versa. Sirius surmised that the old man reminded Regulus of their great-uncle Alphard, as he felt quite the same with him. Not to mention that Randolph had been a Slytherin too, the only one in his family so far. And Regulus, on the other hand, was the only person in the room who didn't know the old man's countless stories by heart yet and was thus listening politely to his at times somewhat bedlam tales.

* * *

It was way past midnight when the boys finally went to get ready for bed.

"Did you have a good Christmas?" Sirius asked, shrugging his jumper off - a present from Mrs Potter, the only person he knew that didn't produce those scratchy kinds of Christmas jumpers but warm and comfy ones instead. He chucked it towards the chair next to his bed; or at least a chair was supposed to be there, somewhere, as the piece of furniture was hidden under a messy pile of laundry. He missed, and the jumped landed on the ground.

Regulus was in his bed already. "That's my side of the room," he said, motioning towards an invisible line that separated the tidy side from the messy side of the room. "Keep your mess on your side."

Sirius sighed dramatically but did as he was bidden. "Happy now?" he asked after he put the jumper on the top of the pile, even hastily attempting to fold it.

The left corner of Regulus' mouth twitched upwards. "I'm very proud of you."

Sirius laughed, getting his trousers off, he threw them on the same pile. "So did you have a good Christmas?"

"Uh-huh." Regulus turned onto his back, stared at the ceiling. There was a small cobweb in the corner, but it didn't bother him. No, he actually liked it, as it reminded him of Grimmauld Place. "The last years, was that the way you celebrated Christmas?"

Sirius had changed into his pyjamas and sat on the edge of his bed. "Mostly, yes. Though in the beginning, Mrs Potter's aunt was still alive, and this year was also the first time Lily visited." He paused, smiled slightly. "Still, it was never as good as today. Because you were here this time. This time, it was perfect."

"Even though I had Kreacher over?"

Sirius stared at his feet. "Yeah, despite that. I'm not angry, Reg. I just don't trust him, that's why I reacted the way I did."

"You didn't even wish him a merry Christmas."

Sirius didn't need to look up in order to know the expression on his brother's face. "I forgot."

Regulus considered his older brother. "He's alone at Grimmauld Place. All year."

"He's got Mother's portrait, doesn't he? And there's enough for him to do, I'm sure." Sirius' voice sharpened ever-so-slightly.

"I thought maybe I could invite him, now and then. Or go visit him. Just sometimes."

Sirius looked up. His fingers curled around the edge of the mattress, drawing polka-dotted bedsheets into his closed fist, dots gathering around his fingers. "You know what I think about going back _there_ ," he just said. "And when it comes to inviting him, I don't want him here, at the Potters. I don't trust him, and I don't want him to know too much about the way we're living and who we're close to."

"He'd never hurt us, Siri."

"If he could, I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate a second as far as I'm concerned." Sirius crawled into his bed, drew the covers up to his shoulders. "Can I turn off the light?"

At Regulus' nod, he reached out and switched off the lamp that stood on the nightstand in between their beds. Darkness dropped its silky veil, blurred the cramped room in shades of moonlight.

"You never gave him any reason to like you, so what do you expect?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, aware that Regulus couldn't see it in the dark. Those minutes before sleep washed over them bore so many possibilities, they could be minutes of joy but also minutes of pain. He didn't need the latter, especially not this night. "You still talking Kreacher? Can't we just go to sleep?"

"Fine." Regulus' tone had gained a sharp edge.

"Good night, Reggie," Sirius mumbled, yawned. "I just hope you enjoyed today."

"G'night," Regulus whispered. "And I did." Despite that, he felt a peculiar sense of sadness constricting his throat. This was the first Christmas without his father, with Sirius, not at Grimmauld Place. It wasn't like he missed his father in any reasonable way, and especially not the way Orion Black had spent his Christmases. Last year, their father had got so drunk he'd passed out in the parlour. Regulus had simply left him there.

So much had changed, and even though he'd never exchange this Christmas for any of the last years, Regulus still felt that change heavy in his chest, in his bones, the smell in the air, the weight of the covers, nothing was the same.

He didn't know where that kind of nostalgia was coming from, and why it had settled in his heart, spinning cobwebs, collecting dusty memories and thoughts of what could have been. All those kind gestures, all those happy days he didn't deserve. Maybe it was that spirit of Christmas haunting him.

* * *

 _In a dark room, a hooded figure lay on a wide bed; a man on his back, arms stretched out. There was an awful stench drenching the air in sulfur and when Regulus searched for windows, he noticed that there weren_ _'t any real ones, there were window frames and_ _dark velvet_ _curtains but when he touched the glass, it transformed to painted bricks._ _The paint began to peel off at his touch._ _Regulus turned around, stared at the man on the bed._

 _Suddenly, the man made a grab at him, his fingers like claws stopping only inches away from Regulus_ _' face, chains rattling in the background. There was something about those fingers that caused bile to rise in Regulus' throat, there was a finger missing, no, two, three - he stared in horror while the hand transformed, fingers rotting and falling off. Blood began to flow and Regulus bolted for the door but it was closed and no matter how hard he hit it, it wouldn't budge an inch._

" _Regulus," the figure said. "My son. Come closer."_

 _Regulus felt his heart stop._ _"No. This can't be," he whispered._

 _The chains fell off his father_ _'s wrists and the man lifted his hands, inspected them curiously. "You did this?" he asked,_ _voice quavering with anger_ _._ _Regulus recognized a face under the hood – his father's face but different, ghastly, gaunt, merely his father's skin stretched over a dead skull; eyes cold burning steel._

" _No," Regulus breathed, his back sliding down against the door. He lifted his arms protectively._

" _Traitor," another voice said. His father's eyes began to glow red in the darkness._

Regulus woke up drenched in sweat, and it took him a few fearful moments to realize where he was. He was still breathing heavily, noticed just then that his hands began to shake. He hadn't had a nightmare as bad as this for quite some time and even though he'd had some dreams about the torture of Ward he knew the way they were developing by now and could stop them before they got too bad. However, his father hadn't appeared in a long time so this was a new situation. In every dream there is an emergency exit; at least that's what he'd read once. The thing was, for being a freaking emergency exit, it was usually bloody well hidden.

Regulus looked at Sirius' sleeping form, relieved that he hadn't woken his brother up. Sitting up as quietly as he could, Regulus crawled to his bed's end, reached for his backpack that rested against the desk. Under a pile of books and other clobber, he'd hidden a small bag of emergency potions. Feeling around, he found what he had looked for: a small potion vial filled with a unit of Dreamless Sleep. Casting another glance at Sirius, who had his back turned to him, Regulus cautiously put the bag back into his backpack, paying special attention to keeping the glass vials from making any noise by clinking against each other.

* * *

Two days before New Year's Eve, Regulus got a letter.

They were all sitting at the dining table for lunch when a small, black owl arrived. Mrs Potter got up to get the letter.

"It's for you, Regulus," she said, handed the boy the letter.

Regulus instantly recognized Barty's handwriting. His face lit up. After all those days spending his time solely with the Potters and Sirius, it would be refreshing to hear from his friends. He took the same knife he'd used for cutting his steak only a moment ago and slit the envelope open.

"Don't use that knife," Sirius rebuked him half-heartedly, though he barely looked up from his plate.

Regulus ignored him as he unfolded the letter and skimmed over the lines. Barty had had a bad Christmas, now that was no surprise. However, he invited Regulus over for New Year's Eve, Evan was coming too.

Barty's family usually celebrated New Year at the Ministry of Magic, where a spectacular display of fireworks was supposed to take place. The Minister of Magic would make a speech, then they'd bring out Dragons to light the fireworks. Regulus had never been there, but he'd always wanted to. And maybe after having had a bad Christmas, Regulus and Evan could ensure that at least New Year's Eve would be a good start into 1978 for Barty. Aside from that, Regulus welcomed every opportunity there was that might present a way to break out of the never ending circle of weariness and nightmares by distracting his thoughts for a few hours. It was actually a wonder that Sirius hadn't noticed it yet.

"Sirius," he said, putting the letter aside. "Can I go to Barty's for New Year?"

Sirius choked on his food. "Huh?"

"He invited me." Regulus felt himself holding his breath. He watched Sirius cast a glance at Mr and Mrs Potter, then at James. They had all gotten very silent, and only James was still eating.

"I thought we'd celebrate New Year together," Sirius said. "Remus and Peter are coming. Lily too, and Marlene."

Regulus leaned back in his chair. This didn't sound good. "So can I go then?"

Again, Sirius looked at Mr Potter. Regulus narrowed his eyes. Sirius' response took too long, so he already knew he wasn't going to like it.

"Why don't you invite Barty here? He can celebrate with us, can he not?"

Mrs Potter nodded. "Of course."

Sirius smiled. He turned his head again, looked at Regulus. "That a deal?"

"No." Regulus didn't even try to hide his disappointment.

Sirius' smile faltered, sensing an argument brewing. "Can we finish lunch first before discussing this? Reg?"

"Whatever, I'm not hungry anymore." The boy pushed his plate away.

James groaned. "Here we go again."

Sirius silently stared at his brother, who, after a few moments, began to squirm under his piercing glance. "We'll finish lunch first, Regulus," he said slowly, a stern undertone entering his voice.

The boy glared at the food on his plate as if it was to blame for everything. He balled his hands into fists, hid them under the table. He huffed.

James heard it. "Petulant, typical," he muttered under his breath.

"What?!"

James leaned back in his chair, looked the boy straight in the eye. "If you wonder why he's treating you like a child, then just look at yourself."

"How _dare_ you!" Regulus snarled. He pointed at the young man sitting opposite to him while turning to Sirius. "He's _always_ like that! Always!"

"Regulus," Sirius began but was interrupted.

"James, that was uncalled for," Mrs Potter reprimanded her son.

"I'm just saying how it is! The moment things don't go his way, he turns into a total brat!"

"Look who's talking, dickhead!"

" _Regulus_!" Everyone got silent at the sound of Sirius barking his brother's name.

Regulus felt his insides twist at his brother's tone. He knew he'd overstepped a line, starting an argument and then insulting James like that. Still, the fire in his stomach was flaring up once more as soon as he shook his stupor off. Sirius instantly taking James' side, ignoring everything he did and only focusing on Regulus, that figured.

"Fine, I'll leave," he ground out between clenched teeth, pushed his chair back so hard that it almost fell over, but Sirius caught it in the last moment.

The boy stormed off, raced up the stairs and slammed the door to his room. He flinched at the loud sound, listened for a few moments, anxious that Sirius would follow him upstairs, but there were no sounds coming from the stairs. He began pacing his room. _His_ room, what a joke. He didn't even have a room to himself. Everything was Sirius', this room, Kreacher, this bed, everything. Sirius could take away every last thing Regulus possessed - but he didn't own Regulus.

Pacing around, walking in narrow circles - the crowded room didn't allow larger ones - he bumped into the chair and sent Sirius' pile of clothes tumbling to the ground. It collapsed like a toy block building stacked too high.

Angry, Regulus gave the chair a hard kick, sent it flying against the desk and the backpack leaning against it with a loud bang.

There was the chinking sound of glass breaking. Regulus quickly dropped to his knees, opened the backpack and felt around for the potions. He cursed when he felt the edges of broken sharp glass brush his fingers like a set of hungry teeth.

The boy clenched his teeth until they hurt. Just _wonderful_ , _perfect_. This was just what he needed on top of all the trouble he was already in. Well, who the fuck needed to sleep anyway. Then he'd simply stay awake, it couldn't be too hard.

 _It's your own fault_ , a traitorous voice in the back of his mind whispered. _You need to control your temper._

Regulus bristled at the idea. He had every right to be angry, with Sirius being such a hypocrite! If he wasn't absolutely sure that Sirius would drag him back, carry him over his shoulder kicking and screaming like a small child if necessary, then he would simply leave a note on New Year's Eve and go anyway. With all of Sirius' friends visiting, there was a chance that he wouldn't even notice that he was missing. But in the end, Regulus knew that he'd most likely end up in bed early, nursing a sore backside, spoiling both their nights, the Potters', Barty's and Evan's, while living through the most embarrassing moment of his young life when Sirius would eventually get hold of him. It wouldn't be worth it.

Still, Sirius had no right to forbid him to see Barty. Regulus had already conformed to Sirius' stupid rules when it came to staying away from the older Slytherins, or at least he'd pretended to. But Barty was a different matter. Barty was his best friend, the only real friend he had left. Sirius had so many friends, and he saw them every bloody day, especially James. Now Regulus wanted to see his friends once, was that too much to ask for?

No, Sirius was totally delusional if he still thought that Regulus would give in and become friends with those arrogant Gryffindors, barmy Ravenclaws or simple-minded Hufflepuffs in his year.

Regulus walked to the wardrobe where he'd stored his trunk. He manhandled the heavy thing out, squeezed it in between the beds as that was the only place in the room where there was enough free space, then opened it. He'd left his school uniform in there as he hadn't thought that he'd need it at the Potters. He pulled off his awfully cheerful Christmas sweater - Christmas was over anyway, so why keep the ugly thing on? - and put on a Slytherin one, black and green check pattern with silver elements decorating the rim. He knew it would annoy Sirius, and that thought made him feel better. Rebellious.

He rummaged around a bit more. Found a small box. Opened it.

His fingers closed around a longish object, sending little pieces of ash crumbling off in the process.

A grim satisfaction settled in his stomach when he pulled out the cigar. The annoying voice in the back of his head spoke up once more and began to object immediately, but in the end, it couldn't prevent an idea from being formed in his mind.

After Regulus had stormed off, Sirius sat petrified. When his shock had worn off, he turned to look at the Potters. Mrs Potter glared at James, who continued eating as if nothing had happened, whereas Mr Potter's gaze was glued to Sirius. Their eyes met. Sirius heard the door being slammed and felt his fingers twitch, the boy really was asking for it. Mr Potter shook his head ever so slightly, having identified the look on Sirius' face as the dangerous spark of anger that prevented any level-headed discussion from happening, not to mention handling the situation fairly.

Looking at the man, Sirius' anger gave way to embarrassment. He averted his gaze, stared at the empty chair where, only a minute ago, his brother had thrown a temper tantrum for no reason at all. Regulus' food was half-eaten and Sirius felt bad for Blinky as she'd made it for nothing. This sure as hell wasn't how you showed gratitude for being taken in, fed, protected - Sirius felt his cheeks blossom rosy with a mix of anger and embarrassment, he clearly had failed at teaching his brother any manners.

"James," Mrs Potter began, "Regulus is our guest. All of us are trying to make him feel at home. Provoking him like that is absolutely unacceptable!"

James made an innocent face. "I just told the truth flat out. Someone had to tell him."

"It is not your place to correct Sirius' brother," Mr Potter said firmly.

Sirius shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with James being scolded. He could understand why James had no patience left when it came to Regulus' moods. "I should have said something. It's true, he can be a right brat sometimes." Sirius sighed. "I'm sorry about his behaviour. I'll talk to him about it, later. He'll apologize."

"James will apologize too," Mrs Potter said. " _Won_ _'t you, James_?"

James hesitated. He would've loved to say no but he knew that his mom hadn't asked him a real question.

"Yes," he grumbled eventually. He bolted his lunch, then left the room without another word.

Sirius took his time eating. When he was finished, there were only him and Mr Potter left sitting at the table. Sirius noticed the man studying him in deep thought.

"I'll go then," Sirius said getting up, inwardly bracing himself in preparation for the unpleasant talk that would undoubtedly follow.

"Wait," Mr Potter said. He wiped his mouth with a checkered napkin, then reached across the table and mopped up the ring-shaped remains of pumpkin juice puddling where James' glass had sat.

Sirius sat down again.

Mr Potter folded the napkin neatly in his skinny, graceful hands. "Listen, when you go up there, don't be too hard on your brother."

Sirius was taken aback. "He… he was incredibly rude. He knows better."

"I'm sure he does." Mr Potter put the napkin down, folded his hands above the table. "Still, James knows better too. I'm inclined to sympathize with your brother in this situation."

Sirius gaped at the man. "He insulted James! He called him -"

"Yes, thank you for reminding me, but my ears still work well. And I can't really blame him for what he said."

"How can you be on his side?"

"This is not about sides, Sirius. Don't you understand, this is about Regulus feeling like the odd one out. Now you have the opportunity to play for his team."

Sirius shook his head in confusion. "Play for his team? I thought that I am supposed to act as referee!"

Mr Potter laughed. "Too many cooks spoil the broth, son. Euphemia was handling that situation between James and Regulus just well, so take your chance and be his brother while you can. Show him a little support."

"Support?! He acted like a -"

"Teenager. Like a teenager, Sirius. And he punished himself right away, don't you see?"

"What?!"

"He sent himself to his room. He denied himself lunch. I'm sure those few bites he had won't suffice until dinner."

"Really, that's the way you see it? I think he threw a giant tantrum. Remember how he slammed the door?"

"Of course I remember, and yes, I agree, that was the teenager in him, throwing his tantrum in the safety of his room. The rest of what he did was an act of preventing himself from getting into deeper trouble by removing himself as soon as he felt his temper take over so he wouldn't cause any more damage. However, I admit that it could've been done with a little more countenance."

* * *

Sirius gave the door a soft knock. "Reg? Can I come in?"

When there was no response, he carefully pushed the door open.

A wave of icy cold hit him. The window stood open, the curtains billowing. The rest of the room was an absolute mess; not only Sirius' side of the room but Regulus' too.

Speaking of whom, Regulus was nowhere to be seen.

"Regulus!" Sirius jumped on his bed, leaned out of the window. "Damn it!" This scene felt way too familiar to Sirius, and although he knew that Regulus wouldn't run away for real – not because of a stupid argument at least – he felt a strange kind of fear tug at his insides that was awoken as an echo of the memories of the summer. On the ground next to the house's exterior wall, straight down from where his room's window was, a roof avalanche must've hit. Sirius turned his head, his gaze travelling along the freshly-revealed red roof tiles, both ends seamed with by an undisturbed layer of perfectly white snow, a harsh trail led up to the rooftop where - Sirius could barely believe his eyes - his idiotic brother sat on the rooftop, bony knees drawn up to his chest, a cigar in his shaking hand.

Regulus stared at him, paralysed.

"What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?!" Sirius growled after he got over a short moment of relief.

Regulus' lips trembled in search of something, anything, to say.

"Put that out this instant!"

Regulus flinched at his brother's tone, then dropped the cigar into the freshly fallen snow next to him.

"Don't just leave it there -" Sirius sighed exasperatedly. He swung out of the window and carefully climbed the roof, mindful of the slippery tiles, until he reached his brother. He picked the still smoky cigar butt up and threw it as far as he could to get it off the Potters' property. It landed on the street.

Sirius exhaled, relieved that it was gone. He wiped his right hand on his trousers to get rid of the melted snow and reeking ash remains while with his left hand supporting himself on the rooftop. "You stink like hell," he said to his brother.

"I'm sorry." Regulus cast Sirius, after he'd eventually settled down next to him, feet dangling from the rooftop, an uncertain glance. All rebelliousness had left Regulus the second he'd got caught.

"What in Merlin's name, Reg? Did you feel like you weren't in enough trouble already?" Sirius' tone was harsh.

"No…"

"Then explain."

Regulus stared at him, helplessly. "I'm sorry," he said again.

"Yeah, you said that before. What kind of explanation is that?!"

Regulus ducked his head and Sirius realized that he'd raised his voice quite a bit. He took a deep breath, ran his right hand down his face. Then, gave his brother a nudge with his elbow. "Reg? I'm giving you a chance here. I can't read minds."

"I was mad at you," Regulus said reluctantly, eyes hidden behind his fringe.

"And that's the reason you smoked that cigar?"

A short nod. What a stupid, childish thing to do.

"Because you wanted to annoy me?"

Another nod.

Sirius found it incredibly annoying that he had to worm every word out of Regulus. He thought of Mr Potter's words, and he had a feeling that, if Mr Potter had been the one to catch Reg smoking, the man would take every good word back that he'd put in for the boy. Mr Potter had absolutely zero tolerance for endangering one's health. And when it came to smoking, he saw red.

"Mr Potter caught me and James smoking once," Sirius told his brother. "It didn't end well for us."

He felt Regulus tense up. "What did he do?"

Sirius cast a quick glance at the back of the garden. "Do you wanna hear the full story?"

Regulus nodded.

"Can't hear your head rattle." Such a stupid thing to say, but the expression escaped Sirius' lips before he could stop it.

"Yes."

It was a long story, and for a moment, Sirius wondered whether it would be the right thing to tell his brother. Though, maybe, Regulus needed to see how lenient Sirius actually was with him, most of the time. "Fine. Then let's get inside, and I'll tell you."

When they were back in the room, Sirius cast a drying spell on their clothes. He sat on his bed, crossed his legs, leaned his elbows on his knees. Regulus sat down opposite to him. Looked at him.

"It's not a nice story," Sirius began.

##

August 1974

"It had been the summer holidays, three years ago. We were fourteen, had just finished our third year. As you know, I already spent most of my summer break at the Potters' at that time. And, like we did the rest of the year, James and I spent our time jumping head-first into any kind of trouble that came our way.

There's a playground not far from here, where we hung out a lot. Not for the slides and swings like the little kids of course, but you know, you meet other teenagers there. It's just a place where they can be. Not far was a sports field. Once or twice we went there with Remus and Peter when they visited, but most of the time it was just the two of us. And we thought that we were really bad, like, wicked bad. Gangsters. Counting two and a half hairs on our chins - together -, we thought we were so grown up, no one could teach us a thing. We were fourteen after all, and somehow, after not having gotten into any serious trouble with Mr or Mrs Potter in the previous month, we had somehow convinced ourselves that we were past that stage and that they viewed us as almost-adults now.

One day, there was this super tough kid at the playground, Troy, a muggle boy, but twice as large as me and a head taller. He didn't have any friends with him - I think he was visiting an aunt of his or something like that - so we talked to him, and we started to hang out with him more. Don't get me wrong, he was alright and all, and funny even, but we were stupid kids. We had a few dares going, and Reg, we really flexed our risk muscles. Not to mention our creativeness when it came to coming up with stupid ideas. The more ridiculous something was, the more pointless, the more we loved doing it. I don't even want to get into detail, but believe me when I say that we were the epitome of dumb teenagers.

Now comes the dumbest part. Or maybe it wasn't _the_ dumbest thing we did that summer, but it sure was amongst the front-runners. Especially when you consider the trouble we got into for it. We had Troy over at our place when he produced a wrinkled packet of cigarettes. I think he'd nicked it from his uncle, there were only a handful of cigarettes left in it, but we didn't ask too many questions.

Can you imagine what the dare looked like? Yeah, it's a classic…

We ended up hiding in the back of the garden behind the big magnolia bush, you know, the one with the beautiful pink flowers. James was fumbling with the muggle lighter; we'd never used one before, Troy had brought it, and I think it must've been broken because we ended up sneaking back inside to get matches. Mrs Potter was away running errands and Mr Potter had come home from work about an hour earlier, he liked his evenings calm and was so focused on reading the newspaper that he barely noticed us tip-toeing past him. We thought we were safe. When we came back we huddled together, lighted one cigarette and everyone took a good pull as we handed it around.

The second I tried it I knew bloody hated it, and I could tell that James felt the same. I had that awful cough sitting in my throat like a big fat hairy-legged spider, and I think I got all teary-eyed trying to swallow it down, but when it was my turn again, I took another pull. Troy took it way better than we did, I guess that he'd smoked before. But for us, it was the first time.

James and I both stood with our back to the house and maybe, Troy could've warned us, but what good would it have done in the long run? He saw Mr Potter and bolted, I only remember that look of shock entering his face and then he was gone. The next thing that we felt was Mr Potter's hands grabbing our necks. This was probably one of the scariest experiences I ever had with him - Mr Potter was like a wildcat, we didn't hear him at all and suddenly he was there, growling into our ears that we should follow him inside.

He led us to the house and I tried to get eye contact with James but he kept his eyes glued to the ground, eyebrows drawn together. He seemed to know what was coming as soon as Mr Potter steered us towards his study instead of our rooms - usually, when we got into trouble, he sent us to our respective rooms, alone - but I had no idea. As soon as we entered the room, James began to argue.

That was when Mr Potter kind of lost it; he began to yell at us like I'd never heard him yell before, and sent us to stand in a corner with a hard swat each. I couldn't comprehend how James had the nerve to argue with his father, especially with the situation we were in.

Reg, you have to understand that Mr Potter is nothing like our father was. He isn't violent. He never harmed us, never punished us in anger. He barely ever yelled at us. He was always fair, and very patient with us. Still, I always felt that I didn't have to provoke him more when he was already mad, and when I was in trouble, I knew that it was justified. James… James is very different in that matter. He is a bit like you. He has a temper. He loves to argue, and he can be very disrespectful in situations when he should just shut up and accept the consequences of his actions. It's not his fault, and maybe the reason was that he _knew_ that Mr Potter loved him, that he could argue all he wanted and despite whatever he'd done, Mr Potter would never hate him, never harm him. I wasn't so sure of that during the first few years, not until I moved here for good.

So Mr Potter began to lecture. And Merlin, that was the longest lecture I've ever got from him. It felt like hours while standing there, nose in the corner, seeing nothing but those two intersecting walls.

The thing is, Mr Potter's mother died from an extremely aggressive form of lung cancer. The cancer was so bad that even her magic couldn't heal her, and he saw her die. He told us that she had been a heavy smoker and only stopped when it was already too late. And that's the reason why he promised us that, if he ever, _ever_ , caught either of us smoking, that he would put an end to it, no matter how. I guess that promise still holds, I certainly won't test him on this.

Well, anyway, we ended up grounded for a week, and we got spanked. He called me forward first - James was already crying, I could hear him sniffing, standing in his corner - and I was told to drop my trousers and underwear. You see, usually, we didn't get punished in front of each other, it had always been done in the privacy of our rooms, silencing spells in place, and this was the only time that happened. At first, I was so embarrassed and almost cried before it even started, but somehow, I managed to hold it together, for James' sake.

Mr Potter pulled me over his knees and I got it on the bare with his hand first and then with the slipper. The spanking seemed to go on forever, and I thought that I'd never sit again. I quickly forgot about keeping my composure and cried so hard; Merlin, Reg, I swear that was the worst spanking I ever got from him. James got it even worse because he stalled so long, all the while arguing, until Mr Potter had no patience left. We had tender backsides for days."

##

Sirius met Regulus' eyes. His brother stared at him, eyes wide.

"And all of that only because of _one_ cigarette?" Regulus couldn't believe it. Mr Potter had always seemed so nice to him, so patient. What Sirius had just told him didn't seem at all like the man he'd come to know over the course of the last week.

"All of that because of a stupid dare," Sirius responded.

Regulus was silent. "I don't think that was fair," he said after some time.

"Oh, but it was fair. It was a very hard punishment for something we didn't think would be such a big deal. But in the end, who knows, we might have started smoking for real, would've gotten addicted. Maybe Mr Potter saved our lives back then. So I think it was definitely fair."

Regulus tugged his sleeves over his fingers, hid his hands in his lap. The prospect of such a hard punishment made him nervous. "I'm sorry I smoked that cigar. I didn't even like it."

Sirius almost smiled at that. Like the fact that Regulus hadn't liked the cigar made it any better! But he was glad that Regulus realized that smoking wasn't seen as a bagatelle offense. Perhaps the story had, after all, had its effect on his brother. There would be something good about Mr Potter punishing him so harshly then; maybe both he and Reg could learn from it and it would spare Sirius from having to dole out a similarly painful lesson. "Reg, will you promise me that you'll never do it again?"

Regulus nodded quickly. "Yes. I won't do it again, I swear." He kneaded his hands, nervously. "I only had this one cigar anyway, it was given to me on a party. I don't even know why I kept it."

Sirius fixed his gaze on Regulus. The boy squirmed under the stern look. "I'll hold you to that promise. I don't wanna have to punish you if it's not necessary. And, despite knowing what Mr Potter did in a similar situation, I want to see if, maybe, talking will have the same result. Because sometimes I think that, if Mr Potter had simply explained the situation to me, I don't think that I would've smoked again. Maybe James needed him to be so strict, but I don't think that I did. However, if you break your promise, we're gonna have to revisit this talk and you're gonna get it good. Do you understand?"

"Thank you," Regulus breathed a sigh of relief as he'd already thought his fate sealed. "I promise I won't do it again. Are you still mad?"

"Nope, then we're good." It was easy enough to forgive Regulus when he gave him those irresistible puppy eyes.

"And are you mad because of what I said to James?"

"I was pretty mad, earlier. That was really rude, Reg. But Mr Potter talked me into being lenient, so you can thank him for that - actually, you can thank him for both times you got off easy today. Although you better not speak a word of that cigar to anyone here -"

"But I totally ruined your day…"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Merlin, Reggie. Come here," he said, opened his arms.

Regulus didn't need to be told twice. When he wrapped his arms around Sirius, the older of the brothers felt him tremble. "You did nothing of the sort."

"I'm sorry."

"I know," Sirius said, buried his fingers in Regulus' hair, drew small circles on his scalp. Sirius wondered if he'd done the right thing. Regulus sounded sincere, but how much of their talk would he actually remember in the future?

"In return for letting your behaviour go, I want you to apologize to the Potters for having been rude. James will apologize too. And I'm not allowing you to visit Barty. With the way you acted, I just can't. He can still come here for New Year's Eve, but the sooner you learn that throwing a tantrum like that is not going to help achieve your objective with me, the better. You throw a tantrum, you can bet that any discussion is instantly over and you can consider your case a lost one. Clear?"

"But Sirius, I didn't do all _that_ ," Regulus' lips refused to use that childish term, "because I couldn't visit Barty. It was because of what James said!" He turned his face, looked at his brother.

"It doesn't matter."

"But you said that we would talk about it later -"

"It doesn't matter any longer, Regulus. The discussion is closed, you should've thought of that sooner and kept your temper in check if you wanted to convince me to let you go there. Now, am I understood?"

Regulus hesitated, but then turned his face away and nodded against Sirius' shoulder.

"Regulus? I want a verbal answer."

"Yes." There was a sullen note in that answer that Sirius didn't like.

He sucked on his bottom lip while hugging his brother closer, putting a hand on Reg's neck, giving it a gentle squeeze. He knew he was taking a risk, treating Regulus very much like an adult here, and he hoped that Regulus took this chance he offered him.

If Sirius had known the drama that would unfold as a result of the decision he made that day, he sure would've had a longer discussion with his brother.

tbc…


	33. Unforgiven

James kept his eyes strictly focused on the floor as he forced a hastily mumbled apology over his lips. "I shouldn't've said that," were his words, and he didn't bother clarifying what exactly he meant with that or why he shouldn't have said it.

He didn't mean it and they both knew it. However, when Regulus stated that it had been "rude saying… that word, sorry,", and as that wasn't a much more decent apology than James', they were even.

The Potters and Sirius pretended they believed them and desperately tried to restore their 'love, peace, and harmony'-vibe. Everything was fine after all, it had only been a bit of a quarrel between two teenagers, nothing out of the ordinary, and hormones were the real culprit anyway. Right.

Regulus played along as well as he could manage while keeping his self-respect. He wouldn't talk to James, James wouldn't talk to him, and they could both pretend that the other didn't exist, except for most of the time that was, because Sirius was where Regulus was, and James and Sirius were, as is common knowledge, conjoined twins. Wherever he went, it felt like they followed him polonaise-style.

However, as far as New Year was concerned, the damage was done, and once again it was only Regulus who had to suffer real consequences. He'd have to spend New Year's Eve alone, or as a seventh wheel, fulfilling his duty as Sirius' little brother who was being tugged along. Sirius had suggested that he invite Barty, but Regulus had quickly declined that 'offer'. Like he'd invite Barty here, that'd be like throwing a cat into a dog's kennel. Not to mention that most of the time, Regulus was stuck in the role of said cat, but that was _his_ problem and not his friend's. And as long as Evan hadn't declined Barty's invitation as well, he reckoned that Barty would still enjoy himself sufficiently.

Regulus was well-aware that his mood had seen better days. He was lucky that Sirius had ignored any short answers and sullen looks so far. So maybe living like a cat among dogs had its perks as it bought him a few more 'lives' with his brother - and Merlin, did he need them! In return, Regulus really tried his best to keep his sharp tongue locked in a cage of gritted teeth.

It wasn't like Regulus hated it at the Potters, on the contrary. He liked Mr and Mrs Potter and the house as long as James wasn't in the room. Still, more often than not, Regulus wished for his own space, where he would be allowed to retreat into his shell and have some quiet time and not be treated like someone to be cheered up simply because he felt the inexplicable wish to be alone and recharge his defenses once in a while.

Despite that, another thing he was thankful for was that Sirius slept like a log. As he had no Dreamless Sleep left (and had even checked the Potters' potion cabinet but only found a few calming draughts and healing potions), Regulus' sleep consisted of a few restless hours at best and otherwise of no sleep at all. He struggled with that most recent form his nightmares took, didn't know how to deal with them and even less how to put a stop to them. He hadn't planned any of this, and admittedly, he might have played a part in getting himself into this situation by kicking that backpack, but it still wasn't _fair_.

And staying calm and polite while being dangerously short on sleep wasn't something that came easy to Regulus.

He was surprised at himself at how well he kept it together at New Year's Eve. Mrs Potter had prepared a punchbowl, and because Regulus was there, she'd made a second, non-alcoholic one, just for him - and for Marlene, who'd tried the non-alcoholic one too, probably out of sympathy for Regulus because later, she switched to the good one. She was one of those girls with absolutely perfect hair, blond curls swinging with every step she took, and though she'd been introduced to him as a friend of Lily's, her interest in Sirius was obvious with the way she laughed at everything he said like a cat rubbing round legs.

The fireworks were great, though. Sirius and James had prepared a spectacular show that took at least half an hour and combined muggle and wizarding fireworks to a very intriguing composition. The day before, they'd taken apart every single firework and built a ginormous blend by mixing them up, bewitching them and adding as much gunpowder as they possibly could. On New Year's Eve, those modified fireworks ripped the spectators' ears out while simultaneously stunning them with amazement. Colourful blooms of fire lightened up the sky, cut through the endless black, permeated it with colourful sparks exploding with the excitement of grains of maize. Some of the fireworks started with actual screams of joy, yelled New Year Wishes in all kinds of languages - "Bonne année! Frohes neues Jahr! ¡Feliz año nuevo! Do siego roku!" - or played cheerful melodies as they propelled up and into the air; drawing stunning images on the dark night sky as they did so. James, already half-drunk, had the brilliant idea to shoot firework while flying on his broom until Mrs Potter caught him. She didn't like that stunt one bit and he was rather firmly persuaded to _get down and put that broom away_.

It was funny that, despite having invested so much time planning and creating it, Sirius barely watched the fireworks. Instead, he seemed so much more focused on watching smiles lighting up his family's and friends' faces.

During the course of the night, Sirius spent a lot of the time talking to Marlene. As a result of that, Regulus was glad to see that James was mostly occupied snogging Lily behind the snow-laden Magnolia tree, because that only left Peter and Remus and he didn't have to deal with all four Marauders at the same time, let alone the three of them when Sirius wasn't there.

Remus really was alright. Despite being a bit reserved at the beginning, Remus' shyness towards Regulus soon melted (or was melted by the drinks) and they had a good time laughing about the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team's seeker who'd totally blown the most recent match against Ravenclaw by sending two of his team comrades to the hospital wing while scoring an own goal in the process.

When it came to Peter, however, Regulus thought that it would be a flattering understatement to say that he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Regulus wondered how Sirius could stand hanging around with that pimple-faced milksop without going insane. At one point during the evening, the chubby blonde almost hexed himself while trying to magically light a firework. Then, he almost got hit by it after knocking it over and, with trembling fingers, attempting to right it while the fuse sprayed sparks right under his nose. He could count himself lucky that Mr Potter was absolutely paranoid when it came to firework and tugged him out of harm's way just in time. Well, at least he was only dumb and not exceedingly arrogant like James, so maybe that was it.

Much to Regulus' surprise, the night of New Year's Day was actually the only one he slept through and didn't even wake once.

His mood was dampened, however, when, on the next day, a letter from Barty arrived. All in all, the letter kept to a very reserved tone more than anything else, it was Barty pretending that it didn't matter that Regulus had declined his invitation, but Regulus could read between the lines that Barty had been extremely disappointed and possibly hurt, thinking that Regulus once more tried to avoid them.

" _You_ _'re my best friend_ ," Barty wrote, " _and until recently, I thought you_ _'d say the same about me. But I'm not so sure of that anymore. It's time to come clear about some things when you still want us to trust you. Especially when it comes to your priorities and loyalties_."

Regulus bit back a groan. He'd known that Barty had begun to become suspicious, but he hadn't thought it this bad - that Barty would seriously question his loyalties. This could turn into a big problem.

On top of all that, Barty invited him again. " _If, at any point, you got some spare time in between those periods of being incredibly busy, meet me - before the holidays are over. Just drop by. It_ _'s important_."

Regulus sighed. It wasn't like he didn't want to meet Barty, but convincing Sirius of allowing him to go would pose a big problem. Sirius didn't know Barty well enough that he could be sure that he was a safe person. Barty was a Slytherin after all, and according to Sirius' logic, all Slytherins were potentially evil and thus problematic when it came to Regulus visiting any of them. Especially because, at Barty's place, he'd be far away from Sirius' protective influence and Merlin knew what could happen to him - or heaven forbid, even worse - Regulus could prove that he was getting along just fine on his own and make Sirius feel superfluous.

Regulus folded the letter neatly and hid it in between pages 273 and 274 of the history book he was reading. He'd need to have a major brainwave on how to convince Sirius that Barty's place was absolutely safe, because otherwise, he was pretty certain that Sirius would only suggest that Barty visit them and find Regulus' insistence on wanting the meeting to be at Barty's rather than the Potters' house peculiar enough to forbid it, because the Potters' house was bloody marvellous, safe, and Gryffindor-ish at the same time, and what else could anyone of sound mind possibly want?

* * *

"It has to be here somewhere," Sirius mumbled to himself as he pushed a big pile of books from one side of the wardrobe to the other, blowing up the layer of dust and dirt that had collected on top of it. The wardrobe was cramped from top to bottom with all kinds of chunk and Sirius had to admit to himself that his habit of automatically creating chaos wherever he lived could be somewhat annoying; he could see why Regulus was adamant that Sirius keep his mess on his side of the room.

Sirius sighed. Yes, the wardrobe was big, but it wasn't so big that things could get totally lost in there - well, maybe a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans could, as he'd just found one, squished in between an Ancient Runes dictionary and an empty package of fireworks. It had to have lain there a few years at least because they'd changed the boxes' design a while ago. Nevertheless, it was still edible, he'd tried it. But something of the size of a comic book couldn't get lost so easily, or could it? And now that he'd already told Marlene about it and she wanted to read it, he wasn't keen on having to tell her that he couldn't find it. That'd be… counterproductive.

He felt around the back of the wardrobe - no, nothing. At least nothing that felt like thin comic book paper to him.

Sirius glanced at his brother's trunk that stood at the wardrobe's base. The heavy thing was incredibly bulky and it would be difficult to reach around it, so he'd have to lift it out in order to continue his search.

The young man groaned as he lifted the trunk out of the wardrobe - did Reg store millstones in there or what? - and, he was already about to set it down on the floor between their beds when the case lid fell open.

"Damn it," Sirius cursed to himself. The trunk hadn't been closed properly. He could only watch as his brother's possessions dropped to the floor and scattered in all directions.

What a giant mess, Reg wouldn't be happy. At least he hadn't stored anything fragile in his trunk, so Sirius would simply clean this mess and tell Reg about it later - much later. It wasn't like he'd poked through his stuff, it had been an accident after all.

Sirius crouched down, began to put his brother's things back into the trunk. He was surprised how organized the mess was despite having sprawled all over the floor; there were still folded clothes on one side, books on the other side… it was easy enough to put it all back halfway neatly. He smiled softly when he recognized the dragon figurine he thought they'd left at the cottage, and laughed at a sketch of Professor McGonagall dangerously looming over a student; it was a rather funny caricature - Reg could certainly be hilarious if he wanted to.

He'd already put almost everything back when he came across a very old, obscure looking book. Sirius knitted his brow, this book didn't look at all like it belonged to his brother; at least he'd never seen him read it. And Merlin, it was heavy. Curious, he opened it, read the title.

"Magick Moste Evile", Sirius mouthed, stared at the third word, his throat dry suddenly, lips frozen in the position of the "E-". He read the title again, silently, not believing his eyes. Shocked, he let the book go. It fell on the floor with a loud thump.

Sirius drew his wand. That book might be cursed - you never knew with old Dark Arts books. He ran a quick spell over the book, but it seemed to be fine. Still, Sirius didn't want to touch it. Having grown up at Grimmauld Place, he knew not to take risks with objects like this. He grabbed one of Regulus' shirts and used it to open the book again; he wouldn't touch it directly.

The first spell he saw already looked so sinister that he couldn't think of a way how this book had found its way into Regulus' trunk. Merlin, this was necromancy! Maybe one of Regulus' housemates had put it there? Reg would never -

Or maybe he would. Reg wasn't stupid, and with the strict order he kept his things in, he would've noticed the book straightaway.

Sirius quickly checked the rest of his brother's possessions - fortunately, there was nothing else dangerous.

He jumped up. It was unimportant now that the comic book he'd looked for was indeed lying at the bottom of the wardrobe, in the spot where Reg's trunk had stood, Sirius didn't care any longer. He stormed out of the room, down the stairs.

"Regulus!" He found his brother alone in the living room, curled up in the armchair next to the fireplace, a history book in his lap.

Regulus looked up, the ghost of a smile playing around his lips. However, he instantly recognized Sirius' expression as one that meant trouble - for him. "What's wrong?"

The innocent look on his brother's face evoked a wave of fury in Sirius. He grabbed the boy and lifted him out of the chair, the history book clattered to the ground. Regulus swayed for a moment, totally surprised. "Sirius?"

Sirius ground his teeth at that tone. So guileless, like Reg had no idea. And yet he'd hid a Dark Arts book up there, there was no actual way that Reg hadn't known of that book's existence. He'd known about it and he'd hidden it from Sirius, he'd brought it to the Potters and Sirius had been naive enough to let him.

"I found that book," Sirius growled. "In your trunk."

Regulus looked confused. "What?"

Sirius couldn't believe the audacity of the boy. He grabbed Regulus' wrist and wordlessly dragged him up the stairs and back into their room.

After struggling with his bother quite a bit on the stairs, Regulus now stared at the book that lay on the floor. He blanched.

"Do you now know what I'm talking about?" Sirius hissed, looming over his brother.

"I- I…"

"This is a Dark Arts book, Regulus. You know that. What, in Merlin's name, were you thinking?!"

Regulus forced his gaze off the book and looked at Sirius. "I- I didn't -" he swallowed hard, "I didn't plan on reading it," he said quickly, folding his arms around his middle.

Sirius scoffed. "Of course." He grabbed the boy by his shoulders, gave him a hard shake. "This is what I get for being understanding and lenient all the time? You bring a Dark Arts books here, HERE?!"

"N-no, I didn't mean to -"

"Yeah, sure," Sirius snarled. "Didn't mean for me to find it! Do I look like an idiot? Personal space, my arse! I can promise you, that's going to stop. Playing on me being supportive, being lenient with you, I can't fucking believe it!" He bent down so they were at eye level. "Who gave you that book?"

Regulus just stared at him with wide eyes, his classic deer-in-the-headlights-look.

"WHO GAVE IT TO YOU?" Sirius yelled when there was no answer. A hard smack to Regulus' bum followed, eliciting a surprised yelp from the boy.

"I got it from the - the library!"

Sirius growled. He wasn't going to be fooled by the kid any longer. Swinging the boy to the side, he swatted Regulus' hip a few more times in quick succession. The boy winced, tried to dance away from the stinging slaps but Sirius had his arm in a vice grip and his aim was spot on. "How DARE you lie to me - you said you didn't plan on reading it, so don't you give me that crap. I want a name, NOW!"

Sirius swung Regulus back, grabbed both his shoulders and shook him, hard, and the boy's head bobbed like a bobblehead doll's. "WHO gave it to you?!"

A hard swat to the side of his thigh.

"Evan," Regulus cried, finally managing to break out of his state of terror.

"Evan Rosier?"

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Regulus bit his tongue, he could kick himself for being so weak and giving the name.

Another smack that caused the boy to grunt. "EVAN ROSIER?"

"Y-yes," Regulus said hastily. There was no point in denying it anymore.

"How far did you read?"

"I didn't read anything -" Another extremely hard smack. Regulus threw his hands back to protect his backside. "Ow!"

"Don't you fucking lie to me," Sirius hissed. He grabbed Regulus' chin, forced it up, his fingers painfully digging into Regulus' cheeks. "Look at me!"

Regulus swallowed heavily. Slowly, he raised his eyes, met his brother's - swallowed again, terrified of the uncontrolled fury burning in Sirius' eyes.

"What page?"

"Only the first ones, I didn't even finish the foreword!" It was a lie of course, but Regulus wasn't stupid. He'd already told Sirius way too much. And Sirius looked like he'd actually murder him if he knew that Regulus had finished the book only a few nights ago.

Sirius' eyes bore into his like a knife into a wound.

"I'm sorry," he tried in a desperate attempt to reverse this fury that had taken his brother and transformed him into someone Regulus didn't know.

Sirius scoffed and Regulus wasn't sure whether he believed him or not. Sirius let go of Regulus' chin and dragged him to the beds. "Get them down," he ordered harshly as he sat down on his bed, motioning towards Regulus' trousers. He removed the silver ring from his middle finger and threw it behind him on the bed. Rolling over the mattress, the ring fell on the floor with a metallic clank. Sirius didn't care. His focus was on Regulus and only on him, causing the boy to feel doomed like an ant under a magnifying glass.

"Siri, no," Regulus pleaded. He could barely speak, fear created a barrier in his trachea and made it difficult for him to breathe like an invisible hand that pressed on his throat.

Sirius didn't say a word, he simply grabbed Regulus by his hip and began working the button of his trousers open. The boy watched helplessly, his hands were swatted away when they instinctively traveled south to stop Sirius' doings. It took Sirius only a few moments, and with a hefty tug, he had Regulus' trousers pulled down the skinny thighs and left them pooling around the boy's knees. Sirius gave his arm another sharp tug and Regulus fell over his brother's lap. Sirius' bony knees pushing into his stomach, the boy tried to wrap his mind around the fact that this was really happening. Hadn't he just been sitting downstairs, reading peacefully and now he suddenly found himself in this hated position!

Sirius pulled him up against his stomach, then tilted him forwards, positioned him to his liking until Regulus' hips were raised high. Hooking his fingers into his briefs, Sirius swiftly tugged the garment down to join the bunched-up trousers around Regulus' knees, revealing a still white-pale backside, though one could make out the vague shape of a couple of light-rosy handprints blooming in the centre.

"Noooo," Regulus yelled, his entire body tensing up in protest. He kicked his legs and tried to throw a hand back to protect himself but Sirius caught it and tucked it under his stomach where he held it while wrapping his left arm around Regulus' waist.

The spanking started full force and without any further warning, and Sirius was set on quickly creating a scorching fire on the defenseless behind.

At first, the boy was too shocked to voice his protest, only a few yelps escaped his lips, but after a few moments, Regulus found his voice again.

He began to yell bloody murder; Sirius should stop, he couldn't do this, it wasn't fair, he hadn't even had a proper chance to explain himself; and then, as the pain rose, tears found their way into his voice, ran down his cheeks and soaked his pillow. Kicking his feet was pointless thanks to the trousers that, by now, had slid down his legs and bound his ankles together. He couldn't fight his brother, he couldn't move even an inch. His brother was so much stronger than he was, it was terrifying. And if anything, resistance seemed to make Sirius hit even harder.

Sirius didn't react, not to his indignant yells, not to his blubbered pleas, not to his desperate sobs. The young man simply kept on swatting as hard as he could, relentlessly like he hadn't even heard the boy, he raised his arm as high as it would go and then slammed it down full-force. He didn't stop until his brother's behind was beet-red and the boy sobbed in pain. Only when the pain in his own hand connected with Sirius' brain he stilled his hand, rested it on the small of Regulus' back, though he didn't really care about the pain either. The only thing he knew was that he was absolutely determined to spank any defiance out of the kid, once and for all.

"You fucking stay away from the Dark Arts!" His voice was a thunder. He leaned close to his brother's ear, his lips curling back from his teeth. "And you don't hide _anything from me. ANYTHING at all_!"

The boy didn't have a chance to respond as Sirius readjusted him roughly, then raised his hand and continued his onslaught on Regulus' sit spots and upper thighs.

"Stoooop," was all that Regulus managed to get past his sobs at this point.

"That's not for you to decide," Sirius growled, landing a particularly hard swat on his brother's left sit spot, emitting a loud wail from the boy.

Only when he'd coloured the entire area from the top of Regulus' bottom down to the middle of his thighs in an even crimson shade, Sirius stopped the spanking.

"Get up," he barked.

Regulus didn't move, maybe he hadn't even heard him, his left hand squeezing the bedsheets tightly, he'd buried his face in a pillow, his slender frame shaken by heart-wrenching sobs.

Sirius grabbed the boy non-too-gently under his arms and stood them both up. Snot and tears ran down Regulus' face, his hair disheveled, black strands stuck to his wet, reddened skin. He reached down with shaky hands to draw up his underwear.

"Leave it!"

The boy jumped at the harsh tone. Wasn't the punishment over? Wasn't he going to be hugged? Forgiven? He let his underwear go again, though he folded his shaking hands to cover his privates.

Sirius put one hand on his brother's neck and steered him to the nearest corner just behind Regulus' bed. "Stay here and think about what you did," he said. "And keep your hands away from that butt, or else!"

With that threat looming over Regulus' head, Sirius bent down, grabbed the book that was still lying on the floor, and slammed out of the room.

Regulus leaned his forehead against the intersecting walls, salty rivers of sorrow flooded his eyes. A heartbroken sob tore from his chest. How could he have been so stupid and forgot the book in his trunk?

How could he have been so naive to think that Sirius wouldn't notice? Sirius was a bloody control freak, he always seemed to find out about everything, mostly because he stuck his nose where it didn't belong. And now he hated him; hadn't even forgiven him. Regulus just knew it, he'd seen it in Sirius' eyes - that burning rage, just like their father's, all cold and unrelenting. Regulus didn't know why he was surprised, they were their father's sons after all, but he'd somehow convinced himself that Sirius would never hurt him.

Sniveling, Regulus stole a cautious glance at the door; for how long was he supposed to stay like this? The air was cool against his heated backside and he felt incredibly vulnerable in this position. He wanted to get rid of the trousers that chained his ankles together like shackles and crawl into his bed and not get up again until school started.

His bum hurt so bad and his fingers itched to rub that tingling pain out of it. His eyes hurt too from all the crying, a stinging headache sizzled between his temples. Even so, the worst thing was his heart. It ached horribly. If Sirius had only hugged him or at least forgiven him, it wouldn't have been so bad, but this - this was unbearable.

After a few minutes, Regulus heard footsteps approaching and felt his body tense up once more. There was a quick knock and then the door opened. Then a sigh.

"Regulus." Mr Potter's deep voice.

The boy quickly threw his hands back to cover his butt from the man's sight.

"You can get dressed and leave the corner," Mr Potter said gently.

Regulus didn't need to be told twice. Mr Potter averted his eyes, pretended to study a bookshelf while Regulus dressed.

Having to stand in the corner like this, butt freshly spanked and still bared, had been absolutely humiliating even when nobody had been present. And it was even worse now that Mr Potter had seen him like this. Regulus felt his cheeks burn in shame.

"You can go and lie down for a bit if you want," Mr Potter suggested. "Do you want a cup of hot chocolate?"

Regulus wiped his hands across his face to get rid of the streams of tears that gave evidence to his weakness, a pointless task as they were instantly replaced by fresh ones. He shook his head no, then padded over to his bed and lowered himself onto his stomach. He only wanted to be left alone.

Mr Potter handed him a handkerchief. It was white, with the initials F. P. neatly embroidered in a corner. Regulus blew his nose.

The man regarded the crying boy, thoughtful lines etched into his forehead. "Sirius will stay downstairs for a little longer," he said eventually, "until he has calmed down some more. After that, he will come and talk with you, alright?"

Regulus shook his head. "I don't w-want h-him to," he said, using all his will-power to suppress the sobs that once more built in his chest at the thought of his brother. Sirius hadn't even bothered to look after him, he'd sent Mr Potter up here, had allowed the man to see him in such a state - that was too much confidence broken. Sirius had promised Regulus that his punishments would be handled in private; hence he could stay wherever he was, Regulus didn't want to see him.

Mr Potter bent down and pulled the duvet up, tucked it tightly around the boy. His left hand lingered on Regulus' shoulder. It was warm and heavy. A heavy warmth. And so different from Sirius' hand. No, Mr Potter couldn't make this better.

"I can imagine that you are very upset right now, and I promise that he'll be absolutely calm when he comes up."

"I n-never want to s-s-see him a-again!"

Mr Potter gave a soft sigh. "Now, never is a very harsh word. Why don't you get some rest and we take it from there?" He gave Regulus' shoulder a gentle squeeze. "If you need anything, you know you can call for Blinky. She'll send for one of us too if you want to talk."

Regulus turned his face away, his hand closing to a fist around Mr Potter's handkerchief. Like he would send for anyone in this house - Mr Potter was only being nice to him for Sirius' sake, trying to clean up Sirius' mess. He was sure that they were all secretly judging him, maybe even thinking that he deserved what he had got.

When Regulus woke up again; his eyes were puffy and his throat hurt too. Not to mention his bottom; despite the fact that it was already dark outside and he must've slept at least three hours, it still felt very tender and he carefully got up and changed into more comfortable trousers. Sirius hadn't come to talk to him, obviously, and it would be time for dinner soon, so Regulus reckoned that his brother would stay downstairs until they had eaten.

It was indeed only fifteen minutes later that Mrs Potter stuck her head inside the room, startling Regulus by doing so without knocking first.

"Dinner is ready," she said with a soft smile. Was that compassion in her eyes? Or maybe he simply looked so pitiful that she couldn't despise him for bringing a Dark Arts book into her home - as Sirius had undoubtedly told everyone in the house the reason why he'd punished Regulus, and hadn't left a single pathetic detail out, most likely.

"I'm not hungry," Regulus responded curtly.

He felt her studying him, her eyes scanned him up and down like flashlights in order to assess his current state. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Maybe later then?" she suggested, leaning against the door post. "You'll get hungry sooner or later. Or do you rather want to eat up here, by yourself?"

The boy shrugged. He really didn't care, he just wanted her to leave. The only thing he knew was that he wouldn't join them at dinner and be subjected to those silent flashlight looks. Not to mention having to face Sirius.

When she realized that she wouldn't get an answer, her smile crumbled slightly. "Alright, you holler as soon as you feel hungry."

He was alone again. Another hour passed in complete silence, and another. By then, Regulus almost considered taking up her offer to bring him dinner to his room as his empty stomach began to make its presence known when he heard footsteps again, advancing towards the room, hesitant ones. When the footsteps stopped just in front of the door, Regulus felt his heartbeat fasten - he knew it was Sirius. He'd recognized him by the way he walked, by the way he hesitated before knocking, probably standing just in front of the door, hand raised, debating whether he should -

The short knock reverberated in Regulus' body like an electric jolt and he quickly lay down on his bed and faced the wall. Maybe Sirius would think he was asleep and leave again.

The door gave a soft creak and Regulus squinted his eyes shut.

"Reg?" His brother's voice. The door closed again. The sound of feet on the parquet. Then, Regulus felt the mattress sink in at the end of his bed and he had to summon all his willpower to keep from biting his lip. Biting his tongue instead, hard, Regulus tried to keep his expression as relaxed as possible. Maybe Sirius would just leave.

A soft touch on his upper arm and Regulus tensed up ever-so-slightly. Sirius must've felt it too because he withdrew his hand instantly.

"Reg, can we talk?"

Regulus kept his eyes closed even though they both knew that he was only faking sleep. He pressed his lips to a thin line. No, having a talk with Sirius was the last thing he wanted.

"Alright, then it's only me who's gonna do the talking, I guess," Sirius mumbled. He cleared his throat, tried to sound less nervous. "I know you're upset with me and I don't blame you."

Regulus felt his bottom lip beginning to tremble so he bit it, felt his teeth break the much-chewed on and thus already very thin skin and cut into flesh.

"Maybe, if you just let me explain to you why I acted the way I did, you'll understand -"

"I don't care," Regulus hissed, squeezing all the venom he could evoke into those three words. He didn't need to put up with Sirius' excuses.

Sirius was silent for a moment. He shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable. "O-okay," he said eventually, his voice a bit shakier. "But will you at least hear me out? You don't have to say anything, I just want to -"

"Just _leave_."

Sirius took a deep breath. "I - I'm not gonna _leave_ , Reggie."

That name, coming out of Sirius' mouth after everything he'd done today. After the way he'd hit him, yelled at him, humiliated him while showing no mercy at all - it was like Sirius was mocking him, saying that name like he had a right to. Regulus felt a dark ache form in his chest. Rage in his stomach, rising like bile in all shades of sore disappointment, a brewing storm clouding up the horizon, tinting it in a dangerous foreboding yellow.

"I hate you," Regulus said.

Sirius sounded like he choked on something. "You don't mean that," he pressed out, his voice thin, shaky like glass that was about to shatter into a million pieces.

Regulus turned around. Sirius stared at him. His shoulder-long black hair was tucked behind his ears, and, against the light, it looked like a black halo around Sirius' pale face.

"You were just like him," Regulus said coldly, his tone giving none of his inner turmoil away. He looked Sirius straight in the eye, took in the ever-changing grey. Now those eyes were familiar, so familiar it hurt. Even so, he knew now that they could transform and within seconds, Sirius would be someone else. It only took the discovery of a lie, and Regulus had way too many to offer from that sort. "Our father. You were him."

Sirius shook his head as if to deny what he'd just heard, stared. Stared, a pain in his eyes that made him speechless. Shaken to the core, Sirius got up, slowly, like his knees would give in at any moment.

Regulus turned back to face the wall. Tears flooded his eyes now, hot, desperate tears. As soon as he heard the door close, he felt them trickle down his cheeks, the salt burning like acid on already irritated skin.

* * *

Sirius didn't return, didn't sleep in his bed. Regulus reckoned he'd slept in the living room or in James' room, but he didn't really care. He didn't want to see him, he had some thinking to do and didn't want to be bothered by Sirius' half-hearted attempts to explain himself which really were tries to talk Regulus into believing that he was making mountains out of molehills.

Sirius, pretending like there was an explanation why he'd punished Regulus the way you hit a dog. Regulus didn't want to hear it, nor did he want to be guilt-tripped into forgiving and forgetting and pretending nothing had happened. Admittedly, Regulus had deserved some kind of punishment - he'd known that there would be consequences if he got caught, that he wouldn't get away scot-free. But what had happened yesterday was nothing like that. He'd been afraid of Sirius, really, truly afraid, and he couldn't simply shake that off.

When Regulus missed breakfast, Mrs Potter brought him a tray to his room. It wasn't like she couldn't have sent Blinky, but he reckoned that she wanted to talk him into forgiving Sirius.

He wasn't exactly wrong.

"I'm not going to let you skip any more meals," she said as she placed the tray with breakfast on the side of Regulus' bed. Despite his having grown since the summer, she'd noticed that his shadows had grown sharper. Thinner. A hint of gauntness in his features Sirius was way too used to in order to notice. "You need to eat, you're a growing boy."

Regulus had hoped that that would be it, but she didn't leave right away. Instead, she sat down on the edge of Sirius' unmade bed. "I understand that you're angry with Sirius, but you can't stay holed up in here all day."

"Why not?" Regulus knew his annoyed tone was impolite, rude even. He didn't mean to be, but in a way, he also felt that nothing of what he did was any of her business.

"Because it doesn't solve anything. The two of you not speaking doesn't solve anything either. Things don't repair themselves on their own."

"Maybe they can't be repaired," Regulus said curtly.

"Nonsense." She wasn't smiling as much today, and her tone was a lot firmer. "Facing one's problems isn't the easiest thing to do, I know that. But it's the only thing that'll allow you to move on and keep you from repeating them."

Regulus stared at the tray in front of him. She'd brought him his favourite breakfast, fresh pancakes with cheese, jam and nougat creme; and he suddenly noticed how hungry he was. He really didn't want to talk, he wanted to eat.

"Thank you for bringing me breakfast," he said, eyes downcast.

She understood. "You're welcome."

Still, come lunchtime, she wouldn't accept his eating upstairs any longer. After a short discussion - which wasn't a real discussion, rather reluctance on Regulus' side and persistence on hers - Regulus eventually obeyed and followed her downstairs because he didn't want to be too rude. He was a guest in this house after all, and it had been Sirius who'd wronged him, not the Potters.

When he sat down next to Sirius in his usual seat (for a moment he'd thought about choosing another seat - the one the furthest away from Sirius looked the best - but then had realized how childish that would be), he countered his brother's shy glances with icy silence. When Sirius asked him to hand him the can with pumpkin juice, Regulus ignored him mercilessly.

At dinner, Sirius didn't try that anymore and kept his eyes to himself, strongly reminding Regulus of a snail whose eyes had been poked with the way he slumped in his chair like a used tea bag. The boy didn't feel sorry for his brother, not in the least. However, he could tell that the Potters were getting fed up with the tension between them. James already cast him dark looks since the afternoon, and Mrs Potter's tolerance of his "sulking", as he overheard her call it after dinner, decreased rapidly as well.

Regulus spent most of the evening in his room. He left it only once to go to the bathroom. From downstairs, he could hear the Potters' and Sirius' voices. At first, he decided to ignore them, but then curiosity overtook him. He tip-toed down the stairs and hid in the lower hallway, crouching behind an old, expensive-looking baroque commode Mrs Potter used for storing scarfs, gloves, and other outdoor clothing. The door to the living room had been left ajar, so he could follow the conversation going on inside quite easily.

"Not long from now and they'll return to Hogwarts," Mrs Potter responded to something Mr Potter had said. "How are they supposed to settle their differences there? It's been more than a day now and they still don't talk!"

"I can't force him," Sirius said in a low voice. "He doesn't even look at me anymore, he hates me."

"He's a boy. Children say things like that to their parents," Mrs Potter said - Regulus bristled at her words. "They don't mean it. You should simply sit down with him -"

" _He_ means it," Sirius interrupted the woman. "I tried. He doesn't listen, doesn't care! So what am I supposed to say? That I'm sorry? Yes, I am, but I'm also - not!"

"Still, I don't see why you can't talk about it, Sirius. Regulus must've known the consequences for bringing this book here."

"Yes, kind of..." Sirius' voice faded away and Regulus couldn't hear what else his brother said.

"There were no bruises, Sirius. From what I saw, it was even less than what I'd have given you or James," Mr Potter's deep voice said. "You weren't calm, true, but you didn't cause any physical harm, so you can consider yourself lucky. However, the line between discipline and abuse is a thin one made of trust. That trust in the disciplinarian is the mutual knowledge that he has control over the situation, that he protects while he corrects. It seems to me that this trust was shaken yesterday."

There was a long silence after that.

"Even if we can get past this, somehow," Sirius said, his voice breathy, "it won't last for long. Evan is one of his closest friends. He'll hate me again when I tell him that he's gonna have to stay away from him."

Regulus suppressed a gasp, covered his mouth with his hand at those words. Sirius couldn't do that!

"He's one of the boys in his year, isn't he?" Mrs Potter asked.

"Yes."

"Does he have any reliable friends left?" Her voice softened.

"No. Well, there's this Barty Crouch, but with him, I just don't know."

"And what about if you took him out of Slytherin? Changing houses is difficult but possible in some cases."

"He'd never forgive me."

Yes, Regulus wouldn't fucking forgive him if Sirius tried to take him out of Slytherin. That'd only make everything worse! The boy found it hard to force himself to stay where he was and not barge in and defend himself. He had rights too! They couldn't just destroy his life - his future! - like that!

"Perhaps we should talk to Professor Slughorn, or even Professor Dumbledore then. See what they can do."

"Like they will care. Mulciber, Snape, and Avery are all Death Eaters and the headmaster doesn't do a thing about that either," Sirius said bitterly. "No one there cares about Reg's safety. And if I can't trust him to do as he's told -"

Mrs Potter interjected something unintelligible. Regulus strained his ears.

"Safety comes first, you're right," Mr Potter said with a sigh.

The sound of someone on the stairs startled Regulus. He backed away and pressed his body against the opposite wall where, partially hidden by a bookshelf, he couldn't be seen from the stairway's direction. His elbow bumped against a vase and he watched it topple as in slow motion. Just before it could hit the ground, he caught it, and then froze, heart beating fast against his ribcage, breath caught in his lungs.

James swaggered past him and entered the living room. "Are you guys still talking the kid? If you ask me, I think he shouldn't make such a fuss. It's his own fault he got spanked."

Regulus glowered at the back of James' head. He felt like punching the prat. But what annoyed him even more was that Sirius had actually shared every last detail of his punishment with the Potters.

The conversation changed to something James had mentioned, and then Mr Potter got up and went into the kitchen. Regulus decided he'd heard enough, he didn't want to risk being caught eavesdropping.

There was no way he'd abandon his friends. No matter what Sirius said or did.

Besides, Regulus had no choice but to continue his double-game. If he broke with the Slytherins, Dumbledore would report him and the other Slytherins to the Aurors, he didn't doubt that for one second.

But, with Sirius already being suspicious, there was the very real chance that Sirius would find out about everything. And all those lies, they'd come crashing down on Regulus like a badly-balanced house of cards and bury him under their weight. Sirius would hate him forever. Regulus had seen it in his brother's eyes, and that fury that Sirius was capable of scared him more than anything.

He really was stuck between a rock and a hard place. And should he continue keeping his feet as still as possible, trying to be as invisible as he possibly could, he'd lose the last friends he had left. Evan.

Barty. He couldn't lose Barty.

Regulus thought of the letter his friend had written him. Thought of the invitation. _It's important,_ Barty had written.

Maybe Barty was in trouble and needed help. Or maybe he simply needed to see someone other than his family - and Regulus would understand that just too well.

Sirius would never let him go, not after what happened yesterday. Regulus was dead certain of that.

* * *

When Sirius entered the room, late at night, Regulus was already half-asleep. As soon as he heard his brother, he was wide awake again, surprised and very confused over Sirius' appearance as he'd expected him to sleep somewhere else again. Sirius quickly changed into his pyjamas and then went to bed. Regulus wondered if Sirius had heeded Mrs Potter's advice and planned to talk everything over and over until it would magically fix itself, somehow.

"I know you're awake," Sirius whispered after a few moments of silence.

Regulus rolled his eyes in the dark. Of course he was awake, Sirius hadn't been particularly quiet. Aside from that, the air was more compressed since his entering. The boy turned to face the wall.

Sirius lifted his hand, mindful of the shadow it created in the soft moonlight. He began to wave, slowly. "Reg," he said again. "Please. Just talk to me again."

Regulus knew that if he played along now, Sirius would take that as an 'everything is forgiven and forgotten'. If he turned around and smiled at his brother, he was sure that Sirius would smile back, relief lighting his bleak features up like the sun breaking through a dense blanket of clouds. If he got up to hug Sirius and hide his face in his big brother's shoulder, Sirius would hug him back tightly, and they could pretend that yesterday hadn't mattered. It sounded so easy.

But it wouldn't make anything better, not really.

Regulus felt a giant lump build in his throat as he regarded the slowly waving shadow on the wall. This hand, it could be merciless.

"Reg, I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. He dropped his hand.

Regulus heard him take a few deep breaths.

"Will you please forgive me? Reggie? Little brother?" Sirius' voice, soft, frail, pleading for Regulus to stop this cold, heartless torture.

 _That's not for you to decide,_ Sirius had said, yesterday. Those cold eyes made of steel, burning with rage. The fear Regulus had felt, pinned down across his brother's lap, getting beaten - and Regulus thought of it as a beating, not a spanking. It wasn't about the pain (which, had Sirius been calm, might've been justified), and it didn't matter that Sirius hadn't left any permanent marks on him because that was only luck. It was about Regulus having to fear that Sirius would indeed harm him. Like Mr Potter had said, the trust that Regulus had had - always, when it came to Sirius punishing him - had been shaken. He hadn't been able to trust that Sirius would stop when it was enough. Sirius had only stopped when he'd gotten all his anger out of his system by whaling on Regulus' arse like on a punching bag.

So maybe he didn't hate his brother, not really. Because how could he? But that look in Sirius' eyes had changed something. And now Regulus had a choice. He didn't have to turn around. He didn't have to be compassionate either.

He sensed Sirius' plea being wrecked as it collided hard with his cold shoulder. The silence between them was eerie like the gap between lightning and thunder, and Regulus knew that forgiveness was inevitably going to roll over him with a dark growl of relief at some point, but not now. Not yet.

There was nothing natural about this silence and they both knew it. But the power to end this disconnect between space and time was his, and he would seal this vacuum with words of peace only when he felt that their time had come, not when Sirius asked him to.

Until then, he'd feel the lightning's aftershock and put miles between the incident and his island of misery.

"I love you," Sirius whispered brokenly, "so much. Don't forget that."

Regulus closed his eyes. Suddenly, his heart ached for his brother's warm smile. If Sirius had only told him so yesterday, before he'd forced Regulus to stand in that corner, sobbing, humiliated, and had abandoned him in his hurt, Regulus would've forgiven him everything in a heartbeat. But Sirius' love wasn't as steady as he'd thought it was.

He tugged his blanket over his ears. Didn't want to hear any more. Mustn't.

Because Merlin, he loved Sirius too. He loved him, despite everything. But he couldn't say it back.

* * *

"Regulus!" Hands on his shoulders, shaking him, jolting him awake. A buzz of fear sizzled up and down his spine as the room of horror in front of his eyes slowly faded to their bedroom. He looked around, its invisible shape still vibrating all around him. His blankets were on the floor. Sirius was sitting on the side of his bed, the warm light coming from the lamp on the nightstand drew deeply concerned shadows around his eyes and lines on his usually smooth forehead.

"W-what?" Regulus swallowed heavily, his throat was dry, his pyjama top drenched with sweat; it stuck to his chest and back. He must've had a dream. He felt hot and cold at the same time, felt naked without his blanket.

Sirius felt his forehead to assure himself that Regulus wasn't feverish. "You were tossing and turning like crazy. I could barely wake you up. What were you dreaming about?"

Regulus tried to remember. _Their father again, chained to that bed, irons rattling. Dark robes, a phosphorescent gleam coming from somewhere above, foreboding. Furious eyes, hate burning grey around piercing pupils. And then -_

Regulus stared at his brother. He tensed up, suddenly becoming aware of the fact that Sirius' hands were still clasped around his shoulders. He sat up, what caused Sirius to take his hands off him. Tugging at the bottom of his pyjama top, felt it peel off the places where it clung to his sweaty skin. He sniffed at the stench of fear coming from his pores. Well, fuck. Sirius also knowing about his nightmares was just what he needed. He only hoped that he hadn't talked in his sleep.

"I'll get you another shirt," Sirius said quickly, uncomfortable with Regulus' sharp silence. It was like if he listened to it too long, he might get cut.

Regulus, on the other hand, felt that he had already said too much, had seen a spark of hope entering Sirius' eyes at the short word he'd spoken while still groggy, caught in a sphere between awake and asleep. He got his wet shirt off. Sirius handed him a fresh one, sat once again on the edge of Regulus' bed, causing Regulus to frown at the closeness and shift away. In his other hand, Sirius had a glass of cold water. "You should drink something," he said. "Here."

Regulus hesitated. He stared at the clear liquid, felt his tongue thirst for the refreshing cool. But what would the act of accepting this glass of water entail? He was thirsty, of course, but he also wanted Sirius to leave him alone.

 _"Traitor." And then it was Sirius, looking at him from under that hood, dead mercury eyes glaring like black holes, sucking in every last tinge of love, hope, care until there was nothing left aside from that blazing hate. "All those lies you fed me like I was some idiot…" his voice a dark, dangerous whisper; metallic-sounding. It sent shivers down Regulus' spine. A hand pressed against his throat. "I was too soft on you, with all those kiddie punishments. Maybe my fists will teach you better. Or I'll treat you like the vermin you are, you and your lot -"_

Regulus suppressed a shiver. He shook his head. "I don't want it," he lied. It had only been a dream. _Only a dream. A dream…_

Sirius looked crestfallen. He put the glass on the nightstand. "Maybe you'll change your mind," he mumbled.

Regulus bent over to reach for the covers on the ground but Sirius was faster, lifted them up. Regulus almost ripped his blanket from Sirius' fingers - he wasn't going to allow his brother to tuck him into bed like a child!

Sirius turned, made a move to get up, but then, in an afterthought, squared his shoulders, his shirt stretching across his shoulder blades, and spoke without turning around. "Remember what we talked about after that incident with the Whomping Willow? Remember what I said about pushing me away?"

 _That's the reason all of this happened in the first place. Because you wouldn't talk to me._

Regulus looked away. _Do you remember what I said about why I did it?_ Anger manifested itself in his features. Sirius hadn't changed much when it came to ignoring James harassing him, so why should only Regulus change?

"This… way… how you deal with feeling hurt, or angry, it doesn't help. It doesn't help to skip meals and hole up in your room, nor does ignoring me. Or not allowing me to help you." Sirius nodded towards the glass of water, then turned his head and looked at his brother. "Don't punish me by punishing yourself. Get angry at me all you want, hate me all you want - but don't hurt yourself just to get back at me. Please."

Regulus glanced at the glass.

Sirius reached out, put a finger under Regulus' chin, tilted it up. Regulus wanted to turn away - Sirius had no right to touch him or to force him to look up - but then he met Sirius' tender gaze and something kept him from looking away. "We can hardly be like this forever, can we? And the sooner we talk about everything, the sooner we can move on. I know it's not easy. But don't make your own life miserable only because of me. I may deserve to be miserable, but you don't. And the way you feel, towards me, all that anger and hurt and disappointment, Reg, it's worth being said. You have a right to be heard. So allow me to listen."

Sirius spread out his thumb, ran it along Regulus' cheekbone.

Regulus felt uncertain, suddenly. He pulled away, lay down and faced the wall. "Can I go to sleep now?" He made his voice sound harder than he felt.

Sirius swallowed the bitter-tasting rejection wordlessly. "Of course," he said dejectedly after only a moment's hesitation.

* * *

 _'Went for a walk. Be back later. R.'_

Regulus chewed on his bottom lip as he read over the short note. The words were cold, impersonal. He picked up his quill once more, added a _'Don't worry'._

He hoped that Sirius wouldn't even notice his being gone, however, just in case Sirius or anyone else decided to enter the room and find it empty (despite him having mentioned that he had to work on an essay and didn't wish to be disturbed, but you never knew), he didn't want his brother to worry. Nor did he want Sirius to go looking for him.

Hence the note.

And technically, it was true, kind of. He was going for a walk, from the house to the apparition spot. He wouldn't stay away for long, an hour maybe, it was unlikely that anyone would notice. He had at least four hours until dinner.

The words Sirius had spoken last night had stuck to Regulus' mind like used gum to the sole of a shoe. As annoying as that was, he had to admit that Sirius had a point. He realized that there would be a time when they'd have to return back to some kind of normalcy. He simply didn't know yet what that normalcy would look like, or what he wanted it to be - and thus Regulus had decided to worry about other things first.

Barty, for example.

He would figure out what was going on with Barty first. One task at a time; Sirius could wait.

Throwing his coat over his shoulders and quickly buttoning it up, Regulus took the note and put it on top of his pillow. Whoever entered the room would see it in time before freaking out and organizing a search party, and that was the whole point.

Regulus took hold of his broom and opened the window. He was greeted by a wave of freezing cold air, and he was glad that he'd quickly dismissed the thought of flying all the way to Barty's. Shrugging off the cold, he made sure no one was in sight, then flew out of the window and landed on the street in a relatively safe distance to the house (it would be totally stupid if anyone looked out of the window and saw him!). He hid his broom under the hedge and covered it with a thin layer of snow. He'd need it later, after all, to get back inside undetected.

The apparition spot wasn't far away, it was about a four-minute walk from the Potters' house, out of the residential quarter and into the woods nearby. He stopped on the other side of an old stone bridge that hadn't been used by vehicles since decades as it really led nowhere, and was overgrown with all kinds of wild plants and protected from view by high trees surrounding it. It was one of those lonely places people had simply forgotten about and that was now being reclaimed by nature. No one really came here anymore, aside from a few misers in order to to fly-tip here.

Crouching down next to a broken slatted frame that had simply been dumped on the rubbish-strewn ground, Regulus looked around once more, just to be safe. Then he called for Kreacher.

tbc...


	34. Ohne Dich

Sirius sat on Regulus' unmade bed, elbows leaning on his knees, eyes intently focused on the scrap of paper in his hands. For a while he remained like this, reading the note again and again, his jaw clenched, his lips a white slash.

The expression in his best friend's eyes made James swallow the annoyed remark that had been itching on his lips since they'd discovered that Regulus had disappeared. _Seriously, now? Stupid kid. Not a single day goes by without him being difficult!_

Sirius scanned the room. The window stood wide open; freezing cold air had claimed the room. The street lamps had begun to shine about half an hour ago, and dusk had given way to the night. Sirius crossed the room and opened the wardrobe. A broom was missing, and a coat.

A sudden restlessness entered his features. "Gone for a walk, this is such rubbish," he said forcefully, more to himself than to anyone. If Regulus had wanted to go for a walk, he could've simply asked.

"You mean he ran away?"

Sirius looked back at the note. "It's dark outside," he said. And he looked angry all of a sudden. "He knows he's not supposed to…" he cursed softly under his breath. Of course Reg didn't care. Moreover, the boy had made a point in placing his necklace clearly visible on the night stand.

James clenched his teeth. Sometimes he wished that he could smack some of that stupidity straight out of Regulus' head. The boy didn't even realize how much his thoughtlessness affected others. Or maybe he simply didn't care. "I'm so sick of this drama. I bet he's just being his usual attention-seeking self, having a whinge, pitying himself."

Sirius glared at him. "This isn't even about you, so stop whining."

"I see what it does to _you_. Don't you think it affects us too, seeing you basically begging for forgiveness, taking the blame for _everything_ and he's.. stone cold! It's not fair!"

Sirius didn't know what to say. He looked away. James was right, in a way. There was nothing else he could do besides apologizing, and it wasn't like that spanking had done Reg any actual harm. Yes, he shouldn't have yelled and lost his temper, and he understood why Reg was mad. Then again, it had been three days already. It was time to talk about it and move on. But Reg rather treated him like he'd murdered someone.

Mr. Potter re-entered the room. He'd been downstairs to check the garden. "There's no trace of him."

"He took his broom," Sirius said tonelessly.

"The wards around the house are all intact. He can't have flown far. If he'd crossed the wards on his broom, they would've alerted us."

James scoffed. "So he planned this?"

"At least he managed to sneak out undetected. Although I doubt that he went for a longer flight. There's a biting wind going on out there." Mr. Potter crossed the room, went to close the window.

"Don't," Sirius said quickly. "What if he wants to come back?"

"Then he can use the front door, like a normal human being," James grumbled, crossing his arms.

Nevertheless, Mr. Potter opened the window again, a chuckle on his lips. "Look who's calling the kettle black, son."

* * *

They waited and waited. Dinner got cold as they sat around the dinner table, Mrs. and Mr. Potter making an attempt at shortening the time with some lighthearted chatter. To Sirius' ears, they were rattling on about the most foolish topics they managed to come up with, their words sounded mechanical behind the put on serenity. Talk about the news, the weather, a certain Mrs. Goldstein. Sirius stopped listening.

James started eating after some time, but Sirius couldn't, not with Reg who-knows-where. The longer he waited, the more he felt like sitting on hot coals. This wait was excruciating. His brother's seat empty, the plate in front of it untouched, a look out of the window revealing a freezing hell. Sirius couldn't bear the sight any longer. He rose to his feet.

"This is taking too long. I'm gonna go looking for him."

It was like this announcement relieved some of the tension in the dining room. They had all been hoping for something to happen, for the door to open and reveal a snowy, freezing, contrite fifteen-year-old who'd left on a whim and had returned to finally sort things out. Still, doing something was better than sitting around doing nothing. Optimism flared up, a hope that the boy would be found soon. Maybe Regulus was just around the corner to see if Sirius would care.

"I'll go with you," James said quickly, already pushing his chair back.

Mr. Potter turned to his wife. "I'd like to go as well. Will you stay here in case he returns while we're gone?"

Mrs. Potter nodded. "Of course." She waved her wand over the table, putting a heating spell on the leftover dinner.

Sirius watched them with a tinge of guilt. Slowly but surely, embarrassment was creeping in at how little effort Regulus made to behave at the Potters'. This was only the last incident in a long chain of events that showed how far their brotherly differences had gotten out of control.

"I don't want this do ruin your evening," he said. "You don't have to come." Who knew if Reg wasn't sitting somewhere, sulking, worrying them all only to pay Sirius back for all the unfairness that he felt he'd suffered from his hated big brother's hands. Regulus had made it clear that he hated him. _And I love you still, you stubborn twit, and that's something you'll have to accept._

"Young man," Mrs. Potter said, her tone very serious now, reminding him of Professor McGonagall in some way. "you aren't ruining anyone's evening here. We're happy to help in whatever way we possibly can."

Sirius almost smiled at that. Yeah, she sounded just like McGonagall reprimanding them for a prank while trying her hardest not to smile.

He had to keep in mind that he wasn't alone in this.

* * *

At first, they searched the closer neighbourhood, then extended their searching area over the rest of the small town. With every corner they turned, every street they searched, the recurring disappointment that Regulus was not there nourished a rising panic in Sirius' insides. Reg was not wandering around aimlessly how Sirius had hoped, hands hidden in his coat's pockets, too stubborn to come home on his own; he was not hiding in an alleyway nor cowering on the ground under a roofed doorway or sitting lonely at a bus stop shelter.

They decided to split up. Mr. Potter left in the direction of the train station whereas James and Sirius went to the playground where he and James had spent a majority of their summer holidays when they'd been around thirteen and fourteen. Sirius was walking with fast, determined steps, his eyes swiftly scanning the area, the houses and snow-covered cars lined up along the street. On the outskirts was the playground.

What was a cheerful place during the daytime seemed to have vanished at dusk and been replaced by a graveyard of rust. The moonlight bled through the clouds, and was reflected by myriads of tiny ice crystals. There were the swings, creaking rusty and weathered, the old merry-go-round, the slide and the seesaw, the leafless trees nearby bending with the wind.

James didn't even need to enter the playground - the endless white was dazzling, there were no fresh footprints. But Sirius had to. He'd envisioned his brother sitting lonely on one of the swings, his feet brushing the snow away as he swung with slow, lazy moves. The image had been so real in his head that he had to go and look under the slide and behind the trees just to be sure that he his brother wasn't huddling on the ground and he'd overlook him. How he'd wished for it; he'd almost wished for Reg's grouchy look too, an sullen shadow creeping in at the realization that he'd got caught and would have to come back home, that Sirius had come to take him home -

Instead the swings swung empty, rocked fluffy pillows of virgin snow. Sirius squared his shoulders in an attempt to roll the tension off them. He was racking his brains where else they could look for the boy.

It was like Regulus had vanished into thin air. They were running out of safe places where he could be.

 _Went for a walk. Will be back soon. Don't worry._

Sirius put his hand in his pocket, closed his fist around his brother's note, the sound of paper crumbling - had it all been lies? The 'went for a walk' was an obvious excuse, Sirius didn't doubt that. But what about the 'Be back later'? And how could he not worry? It was impossible.

"We should go back," James called after Sirius didn't move. They'd been searching for over two hours by then, and James' fingertips and toes had once more lost all feeling. He tried to cast another warming spell on his boots. There was no real point to it as every layer of warmth he added was instantly swept away by a another merciless gust of Arctic air.

"No," Sirius mumbled.

"Maybe he doesn't want to be found," James suggested timidly. He knew Sirius didn't want to hear this but it had to be said. The two of them alone couldn't go on a nationwide search for the kid. Regulus could be everywhere. "If so, there's only so much we can do."

"I don't care," Sirius responded harshly. Everything in him revolted against the idea of a helpless inaction that could be forced upon him. He couldn't leave Reg out here - his brother was fifteen years old! A kid, still, vulnerable. All the things that could happen to a naive runaway in a cold winter's night. No, he'd only rest once he knew his brother safe. "If I have to drag him back kicking and screaming, I don't care."

"That's not what I meant."

"I don't care what you think. I'm not simply gonna go back and do nothing -"

"Okay okay," James said, lifting his hands in an appeasing manner. "Then, by all means, we can stay here and hope that he crosses our way. The chance for that is maybe one in a hundred, just so you know. And on top of that, I swear, if we don't move, we'll freeze, right here on the spot. And then we can stand here like snowmen until spring, and I'm not exactly eager on that!"

Sirius' lips thinned. Ignoring James, he produced his wand and tried another locator spell. His magic didn't respond. Regulus wasn't around, he wasn't even close. "Maybe he uses a spell to block me."

"Yeah, that's likely." James sounded annoyed. He removed his eyeglasses, wiped snow off his cheeks.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "You can save your sarcasm for someone else. If you don't want to help then please sod off and let me think."

James sighed. He put his glasses back on. "Sorry. But Siri, see, he's not here. We're looking in the wrong place."

"Where else could he be?" Sirius asked, desperation shaking in his voice now, in addition to the cold. "I can't simply go back home and wait… It's so cold, James. He's gotta be freezing. Maybe he's lost. Or he thinks he can't come back -" His voice broke and he had to turn away, shoulders curling over his chest. "What if he thinks he can't come back? What if… he's hurt? Afraid?"

It pained James to see his best friend in so much anguish. "He's okay," he attempted to assure Sirius. "It's gonna be okay. We'll find him, or Dad will find him. Dad can find anyone, remember?"

Mr. Potter had always found them, and often faster than they'd hoped for. They were all too familiar with getting caught after an attempt to sneak out at night, to visit Remus, or to go to a fair at a neighbouring village despite having been told to go to bed. Their dad could be a sleuth when it came to his kids; he could materialize out of nowhere, preferably doing so directly behind them when they'd just thought they had got away and then he'd clear his throat.

Sirius looked back at the swings. The wind had increased and drove the swings higher and higher, their iron hinges creaking, the seats knocked against each other like they were enmeshed in a violent dance. Behind the playground, the forest began. A wooshing wall of fir trees, like a storming sea of endless, empty black.

To take another breath seemed like a chore.

Sirius looked back at James. The wind whipping his clothes around him like torn battle flags, James stood, with his arms protectively slung around his upper body, close to a street lantern at the playground's gateway. James wanted them to return home, that was obvious. Still, he stayed and left the final decision to Sirius, ready to follow him to the edge of the world.

Sirius trudged back towards the street. Regulus wasn't here. James was right.

He had to be somewhere else then.

* * *

It turned out Regulus was not at the train stop and Mr. Potter was sure that he must've left town. He wasn't at Diagon Alley either, Mrs. Potter had checked in with Tom at the Leaky Cauldron. Tom hadn't seen or heard a thing from the lost boy.

It was past 10pm when Sirius and Mr. Potter flooed to Grimmauld Place. Originally, Sirius had wanted to come here alone, but Mr. Potter had insisted that he accompany him.

They entered the house through the fireplace in the basement. Sirius rushed past his mother's portrait.

"Orion?" His mother's voice. She sounded confused, not quite there yet, as if she'd just started up from a deep sleep. It must've been the effect of months of isolation that had her confuse Sirius with his father, or maybe she simply missed having someone besides Kreacher to order around.

Gritting his teeth, Sirius sprinted up the stairs, taking three steps at a time. Behind him, he could hear Mr. Potter stop and calmly introduce himself to the portrait. Sirius knew that he'd soon give up, it was impossible to have a conversation with her.

If he hadn't been so worried, Sirius would've been embarrassed. Mr. Potter knew how his parents had treated him, but for Mr. Potter to witness this echo of his mother, the constant reminder of this pitch-black chapter in his life, pained Sirius even more, and, deeply hidden in his subconscious, encouraged a fear that, someday, someone might believe her. _A mother knows her child best._ What if Mr. Potter believed her? Or Regulus? What about Sirius himself? _You're worthless._ Even after her death, those black pages far behind still stained the ones to come. She'd made sure that he would never forget the coldness in her eyes, the contempt in her voice drilling holes into the protective wall he'd built around his childhood memories.

Rejection, it felt like shivers burning his skin, and the simplest curl of her lip resurrected ghosts long thought forgotten. Sometimes he wondered if she'd hung up her portrait for him alone, to serve as an eternal reminder of how hated he was.

Her shrill voice hurling the ever-same repertoire of insults at Mr. Potter accompanied Sirius as he ascended the stairs and finally reached the fourth floor. He was out of breath when he came to a sharp halt just in front of Regulus' room. There was no sound audible, no light coming through the narrow gap under the door. His heart beat fast. He could hear footsteps on the stairs. Mr. Potter must've given up on the portrait. The sound of a door opening and closing shortly afterwards. Another door opened, closed, and another. In Sirius' mind, possibilities narrowed down as in a painful spiral sharpening to a cutting end. So many rooms that his brother wasn't inside. So few rooms left.

Sirius raised his hand, almost knocked. He changed his mind and decided to open the door without knocking first. They'd been loud enough, if Reg was in the house he couldn't have missed it.

The light from his wand got sucked up by the stifling darkness in his brother's old room. Sirius turned on the lights. His heart sank when the lamp on the ceiling reluctantly flickered alive. The long curtains closed, the bed was untouched, the room lifeless, exactly the way they'd left it when they'd visited the house two months ago. Startled by the light, a single cockroach dashed across the floor and vanished under the bed.

With a heavy heart, Sirius moved along the corridor and to his old room. Evading cobwebs which, like crime scene tape, stretched from the knob to the doors edges, he pushed the door open. The cold smell of mold greeted him. But there was no little brother sitting the bed or in the dust-laden armchair that he'd loved to curl up in as a kid.

 _'I had a nightmare, Siri.' His baby brother, seeking shelter in Sirius' arms._

Not anymore. What had he been expecting?

No one was waiting for Sirius to be taken home.

It was the first time that Sirius opened this door since he'd left his parents, and he felt sick at the sight of this room. A part of his fifteen-year-old self seemed to still hover in the room, the part he'd tried to peel off like a slough.

And now this part of himself was waiting, like a spectre carefully preserved in this room, the curse of his blood, Black blood, running through his veins, the cinder of his childhood. Waiting, burning, awaiting him.

Sirius put a steadying hand against the door post.

 _To your room boy!_ His father's hard voice, like a headache. _Failure of a son -_

He felt his knees weaken, forced himself to take a deep breath. This wasn't his room anymore. This wasn't his home. He'd never have to live here again, not ever.

A warm hand settled on his right shoulder.

"I don't think he is here," Mr. Potter said, his deep voice a soft rumble.

Sirius leaned back against the hand, bit his lip, then nodded wordlessly.

Mr. Potter was gently massaging his shoulder. "Don't give up hope. We will find him. I put up wards to alert us if he comes here at some point."

Sirius nodded again. He was at a loss of what to say or what to do. This was a nightmare, the same nightmare that had haunted in the summer, shortly after Regulus had run away the first time. Sirius hadn't wanted to believe that Reg would put him through this again, not after he'd promised him not to. Sirius remembered how relieved he'd been to receive the letter about Regulus' whereabouts. He wasn't sure there would be a letter this time. James had been right, Regulus didn't want to be found.

Sirius wasn't even mad anymore. Hours earlier, he might have had a few stern words with his brother if he'd caught him. Now, all he wanted was to have him back.

 _Where are you? Why would you do this to me, worrying me like this?_

Sirius ran a hand over his face. _How could I fail you so much, Reg? (Please don't hate me, not you)_

He stepped back from the door, which gave a wooden yawn as he let it fall shut. "What else can we do?"

Mr. Potter looked pensive. "Are there any other places or houses where he could be?"

It didn't matter. Regulus didn't want to be found. And Reg was smart, Sirius knew that disappearing for real wouldn't be a problem for the boy. "He could be anywhere! Anywhere! He could be with bloody Death Eaters for all I know!" Sirius' voice rose more and more. "He could be in danger, he could be hurt -"

"Look at me, Sirius," Mr. Potter said.

Sirius met his dad's eyes. His rising panic was firmly pushed aside by an endless understanding shining in those calm brown eyes.

"Dad, I'm scared for him." A pain in his voice at confessing this.

"I know." Mr. Potter put his other hand on Sirius' left shoulder.

"He's not gonna come back for me," Sirius whispered. A pain suddenly, in his chest. A stabbing pain. "He left because of me. He hates me."

"No, son," Mr. Potter said. "That's not true." He fixated Sirius' eyes, held his gaze firmly. Despite having grown taller than Mr. Potter, at that moment Sirius reminded the man strongly of the frightened twelve-year-old boy he'd been the first time he'd met him, when James had brought him home for Christmas, having adopted himself a brother. A lonely child, abandoned by his family after his sorting into Gryffindor house.

"That boy loves you," Mr. Potter said. "He never stopped. Even when he's giving you the cold shoulder, he doesn't mean it."

He sensed that Sirius doubted his words.

When they made their way back down the stairs, they ran into Kreacher. The old elf was standing under the portrait of Mrs. Black, a shabby, moth-eaten cloth in his right hand. With calm strokes, he polished the portrait's frame and murmured softly to her.

Kreacher heard them first. He turned around and glowered at them, his ears tightly pinned to his head. "Master, his ancestors' shame," he grunted, "and blood-traitor Potter, besmirching the Black's noble home with their presence. This is how far it has come, yes, yes, my poor mistress…" he gently patted the portrait's frame at a hiss from her.

Sirius didn't deign to look at the dark woman's face. _Mother_. Not her. She hadn't born him.

"Kreacher," he barked, descending the last steps to the ground floor. He stopped just in front of the elf. "Was Regulus here?"

Kreacher glared daggers at his master. "No, Master Regulus is wise to stay away from his brother the traitor. Kreacher knows Master Regulus will find a way to restore the family's -"

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up!" Sirius stormed past the elf, robes billowing, impatient to get out and to leave the definition of everything he hated locked away.

Kreacher's mouth twisted. He snorted angrily.

"Kreacher," Mr. Potter said, still standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Do you have any idea where Regulus could be?"

"You won't get anything out of him," Sirius called. He was already on the way down to the basement and to the fireplace in order to floo home. "He's an insufferable bleeder, has always been that way. He can waste away kissing the carpet my mother walked on, I don't fucking care."

"Language, Sirius," Mr. Potter said sternly. He turned back to Kreacher, bent down to get on his eye level.

"Master Regulus is better off without his brother," Kreacher exclaimed hotly, squeezing his gnarly hands into fists. "Master Regulus will reclaim what has been stolen by his brother! Master Regulus is the true heir of the house of Black, worthy is he, good is he!"

Mr. Potter didn't give up so easily. "Kreacher, Regulus might be in grave danger. We have to find him, and fast. If you know anything about his whereabouts, you have to tell us."

"No, No, No! Kreacher doesn't have to tell foul-blooded traitors anything!"

Sirius realized that Kreacher hadn't actually answered Mr. Potter's question. "KREACHER," he bellowed, suspicious now. Not two seconds later, he was back up the stairs. "I swear, if you hide anything from us, I'm gonna free you, throw you out of the house and send you to live the gutter!"

Kreacher began to scream wildly like he was about to throw himself to the floor and have a fit.

Sirius was towering over him, seized him by the top of the frazzled rag that covered his bony torso. Knowing the house elf far too well, he wasn't going to have any of Kreacher's antics. "You know anything about where Regulus is, you tell us!" He gave Kreacher a shake. "Do as I say!"

He felt Mr. Potter trying to grab his arm, heard him call his name, but for once Sirius didn't care. He shook Kreacher again. "WHERE IS MY BROTHER?"

Kreacher kicked and squirmed, fought against the overpowering urge to obey his master; his knowledge about Regulus' whereabouts like a treasure that needed to be protected from thieves. His resistance lasted exceptionally long, however, in the end their bond forced him to obey and tell the truth. "M-master Regulus summoned Kreacher," he pressed out between clenched teeth, "he wanted to v-visit a… friend."

"Which friend?" Sirius shoved the elf against the wall, next to the mounted heads of his ancestors.

"Bartemius Crouch," Kreacher spat.

A pressure off his chest - a lead, finally. Sirius let the elf go.

There it was again, hope, spreading a golden warmth inside of his heart. Regulus was alright after all. He'd been so eager to visit Barty for New Year's and Sirius knew how disappointed he'd been that he hadn't allowed it. So his little brother must've simply decided to visit him without telling anyone. _What were you thinking, Reggie? Merlin, you've got some nerve!_ Maybe he'd forgot about the time, or he had wanted to punish Sirius by giving him a good scare. But he hadn't planned on leaving forever. The note he'd left hadn't been a complete lie.

Mr. Potter put his hand on Sirius' back, firmly pushed him in the direction of the front door, eager to get his son out of the house in order to deescalate the situation. With the new information they'd acquired, flooing home had turned out to be an unnecessary detour and apparating directly to the Crouchs would be the faster way anyway. But first, it was important to have a word with him.

"This is not who you want to be," Mr. Potter said as soon as they were outside, the heavy front door locking Kreacher's and Mrs. Black's screeches away. His tone was even, controlled, but also more insistent than usual. "Anger is not your friend, Sirius. Anger doesn't equal authority or strength. It's quite the opposite actually."

Sirius shuffled his feet, scraped his shoe against the iron balustrade that lead up to the front door. His long hair fell into his face. He found that he couldn't look the man in the eyes, afraid that he'd be able to see the rampant anger still pulsating, or the bone-deep fear released by old scars torn open.

"He didn't want to come out with the truth," Sirius mumbled.

"That's not an excuse."

Sirius looked out into the street. Single snowflakes fluttered to the ground, collecting in puddles as they melted against the asphalt. It was warmer in London, and by far not as windy. Merlin, was he relieved that Regulus wasn't outside somewhere, wandering the streets, possibly half frozen to death. To know that was incredibly important. Kreacher had had no right to try and keep that information from Sirius. He had a right to know where his brother was. "When it comes to Reg, I don't care."

"Your brother is the main reason why you _should_ care."

Sirius glanced at the man. Mr. Potter was returning his gaze very seriously. Lines showed on his forehead. Sirius didn't know why felt the urge to argue with Mr. Potter. The man had to be right, he always was. But Sirius couldn't lie.

"I wish I could say I'm sorry and mean it," he mumbled. "But you don't know Kreacher the way I do. He's always been like this."

He'd never understood why Reg cared about Kreacher. Sirius didn't hate house elves, he respected them, even liked some of them. Blinky, the Potters' house elf, was an example of how friendly, devoted and loyal those little creatures could be. But when it came to Kreacher, Sirius had wished in the past that he could rip the little devil's head off. Now, he only wanted to forget about him.

Mr. Potter gave a tired sigh. He clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "Let's go and get that brother of yours back."

* * *

Mrs. Crouch opened the door a small gap and eyed them sceptically. She was a wispy woman, clothed in a velvet dressing gown, her greying hair put into a long braid that reached past her shoulders.

Mr. Potter introduced himself and Sirius. Mrs. Crouch's wariness faded and was replaced by a watery smile. Her husband worked at the ministry too, and the name Potter sounded familiar. She invited them in. They followed her to the parlour, an ample room dominated by a massive fireplace and modern furniture made entirely of dark maple. It made a very impersonal, waiting-room-like impression, and its prim condition suggested that it wasn't being used much. The only trace of the people who lived here was a photo of the family that stood on the mantel. The Crouch family seemed like the kind that made boring an art form. Sirius recognized Barty's speckled baby face glaring at the photographer, his parents towering above him, forced smiles petrified on their faces. It looked like they'd taken a hundred photos already and Sirius wondered if this was the closest they'd got their son to do them a favour and look happy. Everything about him screamed _spoiled_.

Temporarily distracted, Sirius was glad to leave all talking to Mr. Potter. The man apologized for the late disturbance and explained that they were searching for Regulus, and he did so with such charm that, despite the late hour, he even raised a real smile from Mrs. Crouch.

"Barty has already gone to bed, I'm afraid. He's been in frail health the whole week. Can I offer you something to drink?"

Mr. Potter declined politely. "If it's not too much trouble, we'd be grateful if you allowed us to speak to Barty. I apologize for the inconvenient hour, but I'm sure you can imagine how important it is that we find our boy. I assure you that we won't take too long."

"My husband is not home at the present time," she stammered. Then, her eyes lit up and she nodded slowly as if she'd only now fully understood that they hadn't come to have a chat and drink tea in the middle of the night. "But in this case, certainly, I - I will call Barty straightaway," she said, backing away. "Please take a seat," she added in an afterthought, hastily gesturing at the sofa and the armchairs in the parlour.

She left the room.

Sirius met Mr. Potter's eyes, caught him scratching his mustache in deep thought. The man attempted at a reassuring smile, but it didn't quite erase the contemplative expression that had replaced his earlier confidence.

"Doesn't she know that Regulus is here?" Sirius hadn't paid attention to the conversation. Anticipation to finally see his brother preoccupied his thoughts, driving everything else into a huge blur of trivia. But he'd seen her confusion and that worried him.

"I don't know," Mr. Potter said, his voice smooth patience. "In a moment we'll know more."

It took a few awkward minutes of taut waiting until Mrs. Crouch reappeared, closely followed by her son.

Barty, already in his pyjamas, paused momentarily but didn't seem overly surprised to see them. Keeping his expression as blank as possible, he ambled to the sofa and plopped down, disturbing the neat arrangement of pillows on top. "So, what is it?"

"Where's Regulus?" Sirius straightened up, annoyed by the boy's display of unashamed arrogance. He didn't like the way Barty looked at him with a hint of a sneer lurking around the corners of his mouth.

Barty shrugged nonchalantly. "How the hell should I know?"

"He was here -"

"No."

"What do you mean by 'no'?!" Sirius knew he raised his voice. He was almost relieved when Mr. Potter put a hand on his shoulder.

"Negative, that's what 'no' means," hissed Barty.

"Barty," Mr. Potter said, "we all are very worried. We have been searching for Regulus for hours now. Whatever it is that you know about his whereabouts, you have to tell us."

Barty huffed. He crossed his arms. "So, do I? I don't even know you, mister. Who the fuck are you?"

"As I told you, this is Mr. Potter, and I'm sure you already know Regulus' brother Sirius," Mrs. Crouch said hastily, nervously kneading her hands. With jerky movements, she went to sit down next to her son. "Barty, please," she said beseechingly. "Imagine if it was me worrying about you."

Barty didn't look at her. Instead, he glared at Mr. Potter and Sirius. "He's not here. Check for yourself if you must. Other than that, the only thing I know is that Regulus is fortunate to have gotten away from _you_!"

Sirius wondered what Regulus had told Barty. Maybe his brother had complained to his fellow Slytherin about him, possibly because of his most recent punishment?

Sirius blew out his cheeks. He glanced at Mr. Potter. The man didn't look very happy either.

"What do you mean by that?" Mr. Potter inquired.

Barty scoffed. "You know exactly what I mean, don't take me for an idiot. I know how his so-called _brother_ treats him, it's a bloody disgrace."

Mrs. Crouch was shocked. "B-barty," she stammered, but failed to have any effect on her son. She put her hand on top of his. He shook it off.

"What are you even talking about?" Sirius seethed inwardly. How dare this spoiled brat, this Slytherin git, talk to him like that! "I don't give a flying rat's fart about what you think of me. I need to know where my brother is, now, and you're not gonna stand in my way!"

"I'm sitting, idiot!"

Sirius wanted to wring the boy's skinny neck. He took a deep breath; out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mr. Potter shift towards him. "Something bad happens to him, I'm gonna make you pay."

"You should step out for a moment, Sirius," Mr. Potter said. "I'll take it from here."

Sirius stared at Barty. "This is a promise, Crouch," he said. And oh, did he mean it. "Mark my words!"

"Sirius," Mr. Potter warned.

"I'm going," Sirius muttered. And he did.

Leaving the room's door open, he heard Mrs. Crouch apologize to Mr. Potter for Barty and profess that this behaviour was _highly unusual._

If it wasn't for Mr. Potter, he would've beaten the truth out of the boy. When it came to Reg, Sirius found that he really didn't care. He'd kill for his little brother. And that Barty was younger than him, was only fifteen, wasn't an excuse. A maggot was a maggot.

And someone like this wanted to be called Regulus' _friend_ , Sirius couldn't believe it. He'd even considered Barty one of Regulus' 'good' friends, had offered Reg to invite Barty for New Year - now he knew why Reg hadn't taken the offer. His brother really had a knack for choosing the worst of the worst. Sirius couldn't imagine having friends like that; a right rat was this Barty Crouch, and not one of the good sort like Peter.

He knew something for sure: He wasn't going to take Barty's word for it and trust that Regulus wasn't here. The boy was lying, he wasn't even trying to hide it.

Sirius didn't hesitate, he made it up a flight of winding stairs and one after the other, checked every single room. The rest of the house was decorated in the same way as the parlour, the Crouchs sure liked it swanky, and they put an emphasis on showing what they had too. Snotty upstarts was what his mother would've said if she'd seen it. Well, she'd considered almost everyone in the wizarding world upstarts, and the Crouchs never even came close to anything comparable to the Blacks' wealth. Not that Sirius was proud of it, he couldn't care less about wealth and any other material possessions that, in his opinion, did little more than chain people to the spot. Then again, as he thought about it, he knew that Walburga Black wouldn't have even set a foot into this house anyway as she'd had a squabbling with the old Mrs. Crouch some thirty years ago, and, if anyone had devoted their life to the meaningful task of bearing grudges, it had been his mother. Walburga Black hadn't only bore grudges, she'd nourished and cherished them.

Unlike her children.

Sirius forcefully slammed the last door shut. Reg wasn't here. Locator spells didn't work, as expected. Freshly built hope shattered, again. Maybe he should stop doing that, hoping - what was the good of it anyway? Hope was like a house of cards, the higher built, the more it was begging for a fillip.

Making his way back downstairs, Sirius purposely kicked a colourful Japanese vase out of the way and across the marble floor, felt a grim satisfaction rise as he heard it shatter when it collided with the opposite wall. Otherwise he just might have started to cry in frustration, submitting to the part of him that was already a nervous wreck.

"What was that?" Mr. Potter was standing at the bottom of the stairs, eyebrows raised high.

"Rubbish, that's what it was," Sirius grumbled. "He's not here."

His little brother, not here. Not anywhere, it seemed. It got darker and darker along the road, and Sirius felt lost, as if sleepwalking back and forth. S _top thinking, just stop. He has to be somewhere._

"I know," Mr. Potter said. He hesitated.

Sirius cast a curious look in the direction of the parlour. Through the open door, he could see Barty. His shoulders shaking, he had his head buried against his mother's bosom. "What happened?"

"I threatened to call the Aurors."

Sirius laughed in surprise. What a wimp. "Really?"

Mr. Potter's serious expression wiped the grin off Sirius' face. "Let's floo home, son," he said.

"What? Why? What about Reg?"

"Home," Mr. Potter repeated. He looked palish. "I'll explain everything as soon as we're there."

* * *

Sirius hid his face in his hands. "Merlin, no," he whispered.

He couldn't breathe; it was like a cloth covered his head, filtered any oxygen out of the air while depriving him of his senses. Mrs. Potter was talking fast, a hand on his shoulder, then he felt Mr. Potter move next to him on the sofa. It all was so far away.

Mr. Potter's warm hands covered his. Then he was drawn up against a broad chest. Murmurs next to his ear. "Okay," was what Mr. Potter said. "Everything is going to be okay."

Okay. What strange word, its meaning so foreign suddenly, so completely abstract that Sirius found it hard to grasp. He couldn't think of 'okay' right now.

He thought of his brother. Reg, his smile, the way his eyes spelled love when he laughed. A laugh so far away all of a sudden, so long ago.

 _'I don't think there's a way to break this to you gently.'_ Mr. Potter's words, spoken a minute ago, thundering through Sirius' head, not finding an earthwire. Break, break, break, smash, shatter, shake.

Break this. Break this gently.

Sirius peeled his face off his hands. He looked at his dad, searched his expression. Had he understood him right?

Regulus had visited Barty this afternoon.

Barty informed Bellatrix about his visitor.

Bellatrix came. She took him.

She took him away with her.

Reg.

It was like an uncontrolled chain reaction. How could this have happened? Sirius' lungs worked but he couldn't breathe, his windpipe so tight, it felt like drowning. His dreadful pitch-black blood sticking to his veins, weighing him down as he stared, head swimming, at the world's end and felt fate breathe down his neck. Had his family's curse finally caught up with him?

To lose it all a thing now, concrete.

Sirius' teeth screeched together. If that meant to lose Reg, because Reg was everything to him, it meant to die. He couldn't live without him.

No. He had to pull himself together, for Regulus' sake. He had to be strong now. Had to figure out a way to get his brother back.

"Where is he then?" Sirius didn't know where that mechanical voice came from. A tingle in his vocal chords suggested it was his, but he sounded nothing like himself.

He looked around the living room. Mrs. Potter was scurrying around, talking to people over the floo network. Dumbledore, Sirius heard his voice. James was sitting on the coffee table just in front of him, hair disheveled, face pale.

"I promise we'll find him," Mr. Potter murmured close to his ear. "We'll get him back."

How could he make such a promise?

"Is he at her place?"

"That's what we have to find out."

"Did she hurt Reg?"

"No," Mr. Potter responded. "Barty seemed convinced that Bellatrix was actually going to care very well for Regulus."

Sirius shook his head. His crazy cousin and caring for someone? Compassion to her was as alien a concept as a symphony to one born deaf.

He met James' eyes. James didn't blink once. His best friend, his steady presence anchoring him to the world. "We can do this, Siri. We'll get him out of there."

Sirius nodded, ran a hand through his hair to get it out of his face.

The fireplace roared. Dumbledore stepped out of the green flames, stooping down a bit so he wouldn't hit his head. Alastor Moody followed just behind him.

tbc...

A/N: I know this chapter took me forever to complete, sorry. I just had a lot to do. A huge thank you to everyone who's still reading, and to you, Ariana, for your message. I'm sorry I worried you by disappearing just like that.


	35. In Noctem

Bellatrix was fuming. Pacing up and down the parlour of Lestrange Manor, her tall figure threw long shadows on the stone floor.

Regulus sat at the end of the long, rectangle table in the center of the dimly lit room, his hands folded in his lap. Fingers tightly intertwined, all he had to hold onto was himself. Even though she hadn't hurt him yet, he knew it was only a question of time.

"And the humiliation! If the Dark Lord finds out that _my_ cousin, the cousin I explicitly vouched for, has been accused of treachery, our family's name will suffer the consequences!" Her hands cut through the air, underlining her rant with wild gestures. Bellatrix wasn't looking at Regulus as she spoke more to herself than to the boy or Rodolphus, who stood next to the fireplace, arms crossed, listening patiently, his deep-set eyes flickering back and forth between the boy and his wife.

With the rise of the night, the last traces of dusk had vanished, and the clouds that, only hours earlier, had showered the landscape in snow flurries, had thinned out. Still, the house seemed even darker than the crescent-moon lighted garden. The candles on the wall did little more than to enhance the darkness and leave red drops of wax on the dirty floor. When Regulus thought about it, he realized that he couldn't remember a time when this house had spread an aura of welcoming. But it must have been beautiful once, judged by the cobwebby chandelier and the rich decorum hidden under decade-old dust. Time seemed to have washed all color out of the house, leaving nothing but tapestries crumbling off stone walls and dark, dusty shadows in the many corners.

In comparison with the Potters' house, in which a muggle system of electricity was installed - invisible electric energy that, like muggle magic, came out of the walls and brought the lamps to life with the flick of a switch, as Sirius had said - the rejection of any muggle technology left pureblood households with traditional options like magical candles, torches and gas lamps, which, though lighted magically, still required daily maintenance. The Lestranges favored candles, what resulted in an enormous consumption of candles in this household. At Hogwarts, the candles in the Great Hall were constantly being looked after by an army of house elves, but the Lestranges had only Pixie, an elderly female elf. Regulus couldn't remember a time when Pixie, who was suffering from severe depression since she was unable to cope with the never-ending load of work entirely on her own, hadn't had clipped ears or worn bandages to cover ironed fingers, evidence of self inflicted punishments for her 'laziness'. Kreacher had suffered too, especially when their parents had thrown big parties at Grimmauld Place, but after Walburga's illness and death, Kreacher had got at least a handful hours of sleep every other night, when Orion drank himself into oblivion.

There were still traces of the most recent Death Eater meeting in the room, extra chairs cramped around the table, the ground glittering green from floo powder that lay scattered all around the fireplace instead of being neatly stored in the vase on the mantelpiece. Compared to this place, Grimmauld Place was downright welcoming and tidy. However, not Bellatrix nor her husband seemed to care, and certainly not the other Death Eaters.

"Maybe we should solve this problem without creating too much attention," Rodolphus mused. "Handle this as a family matter, if you know what I mean."

"And keep it as such too. I can already imagine what Rolfe would say, that obnoxious gannet! Or Lucius Malfoy, the slime bag, would gladly polish his own name with the downfall of mine!"

"You must not forget Narcissa."

Bellatrix scoffed. "Sweet, spineless little Cissy! You can't be serious, Lestrange. I know my sister. She would be the first to retreat with her tail tucked firmly between her legs; you know how she never takes responsibility for anything! So who's left to blame -" She turned to Regulus, glared at him, "tell me, who will the Dark Lord blame for this mess?"

Regulus swallowed, lowered his gaze. Years of experience had taught him that, in situations like this, it was best to say nothing and make himself as small as possible.

"The boy's fifteen," Rodolphus said.

"Old enough to know better! His parents taught him better, he should know not to allow suspicions like these to come up. It's not like it's only this Snape boy or the Crouch brat but Mulciber and Rosier's kid as well. All of them, doubting his allegiance; for months I get those letters! And you, Regulus, you say you found no way to convince them of your loyalties?"

Regulus shrank back. "I did everything Mulciber asked me to do," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. That the others had betrayed him hurt, especially Barty, but he knew that he had been stupid. He should have known that they would talk to each other and eventually inform Bellatrix of their suspicions. All his efforts - and he'd been naive enough to think that they were sufficient - had been in vain, and in the end, the only person he'd fooled had been himself. If he'd known that it would've come to this, he wouldn't have even tried.

"You did everything _they asked you to_? I think you're not quite aware of how serious this situation is," Bellatrix hissed. "What are you, a mindless pawn waiting for orders? A nameless face in the crowd of those expendable half-bloods that do as they're told? And they look good in comparison to you, boy! All those bootlickers; your failure, it's their win!"

"Don't forget about the traitor," Rodolphus said, referring to Sirius. "We might have let this go on for too long. When there were no significant results, we should have had the boy call his little espionage act off."

Bellatrix lifted her eyebrows high, whirled around. "Truly a genius you are, Lestrange. Pity you didn't share your wisdom earlier. Then again, hindsight _is_ easier than foresight." She snarled. "And don't you dare put this on me." She pointed her finger at him. "I know who you mean when you say 'we'."

Her husband tugged at his robe's collar. "All I'm saying is that we might have underestimated Sirius. His parents did so as well, after all."

Bellatrix snarled at the mention of Sirius' name. " _I_ never underestimated that rotten piece of scum! It was you who said ' _Let him be, let the boy prove himself_ _',_ even when Mulciber first reported of Snape's suspicions! I should never have listened to you."

She stood close to him now, pinned him with her heavy-lidded eyes, thin lips turned downward. "And when it comes to Walburga and Orion - it is my family that you are talking about, Rodolphus. My aunt and uncle. So don't you dare."

Despite being equally as tall as his wife, Rodolphus seemed to shrink next to her, to become thin under his expensive clothes and fade in color until he was nothing but emerald embroideries and shiny buttons on a high-collared robe. He shut up, flaky lips pressed together. She scoffed disdainfully and turned away.

"What is done is done," she said tonelessly. "It is time to finish this, Regulus."

Regulus tensed up as a chill went through him. "Finish… what?"

She stared at him, and her gaze, like fire, suddenly burned right through his skin and skull. He felt her magic tug at his memories, poke at his mind. _Legilimency._ When he'd first read about it a few months ago, he had already known what it was - Voldemort's eyes burning right through him. Grabbing his chair's armrests firmly, he recoiled inwardly, called all his thoughts and feelings behind the wall he'd built over the last months, left her only a few lies to tear to shreds, a defensive technique he'd read about in one of his father's books that he had taken with him when he had last visited Grimmauld Place.

She was more skilled than he had expected. A flash of a recent memory slipped through the wide-meshed holes in his defensive wall. And then snippets of another, and another. He fixed the leaking point but it was already too late. Bellatrix luxuriously spread his memories out in front of him.

 _Sirius_ _' hand on his forehead, warm and gentle; concern in his eyes. 'Don't hurt yourself to get back at me. Please.' The glass of water on the night stand untouched._

 _Then being constrained across his brother_ _'s lap, anger radiating off Sirius' body, fury collecting in a hand raised as high as it would go and raining down on Regulus bare backside, the slapping sound of skin hitting skin mingling with desperate sobbing coming from a throat sore from crying and begging._

 _Then Regulus_ _' voice, breaking Sirius in two. 'You were him.' And the expression in Sirius' eyes, like he was falling deep -_

Regulus was on the floor, wheezing, having forced her out of his head with all energy he could muster, bundled and focused on a single powerful thrust.

She came closer, stopped mere inches from him. Her wild locks hid half of her face, her eyes were blazing like stars burning amid a jungle of black.

"Well well, what have we got here… Thinks he's your daddy, doesn't he? Babying fickle little Reggie." A shrill laugh.

Regulus fought the urge to throw up. He shook his head, too fast and the room became blurry.

"Naughty, naughty. What would Sirius say if he knew what you did, giving him the runaround for months? Oh, he won't like it even a bit, will he?" A crackling chuckle. And then her expression changed. "And you let him do _that_ to you, while crying your eyes out? Is this the only thing that has come out of those months of double-play, the heir of the noble house of Black getting reduced to a pathetic weakling, bawling over his brother's knee?"

Regulus wanted to die from embarrassment.

"Answer me, Regulus. Who are you, the son of your parents or some puling wimp?"

"I'm not a wimp!" And he hated her, hated that she had seen him like this - in his weakest, most private moments - and relished in his humiliation.

"You let him do that! Who is in control, Regulus, you or the traitor?"

 _He_ _'s not a traitor._ Still, her words so powerful, aiming at his sense of honor and cleverly nudging him into a corner. The answer she wanted to hear, so easy to give.

"Me," he breathed.

Her breath was cold. "Prove it," she hissed. The corners of her mouth quirked up in sudden excitement. "Give us the traitor. It's time for him to pay."

Checkmate, and just like that, the game was over.

"No." All of his being, uniting in his answer. _Never._

Her grin disappeared. She bent even closer, grabbed his face with her left hand, sharp fingernails drawing five points of blood.

"Then you will."

* * *

Regulus was writhing in pain. He couldn't think. Fire everywhere, on his skin, acid running through his veins. A wall of flames gnawing at his mind, cremating all thought and awareness as it drew closer and closer, a noose around his very essence.

He did not know how long it was until it stopped. Bellatrix moved closer, the sound of sharp heels hitting the stone floor stabbing into Regulus' temples. He felt her presence above him as she bent down, her perfume the pervasive scent of sweetish mold growing around a the rim of a glass of stale rose water.

"Are you ready to show me the respect I deserve?"

Regulus nodded, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. He squinted his eyes, his vision was blurry and unfocused, coruscant sparks everywhere, stars falling.

She grabbed him by his hair, forced his head up. "What do you say?"

"Yes, Ma'am." His voice sounded pathetic as he pressed the words past the bile sitting in his sore throat. Resistance would only earn him pain.

"If only your mother could see you right now," Bellatrix said. Her fingers tightened around his hair. "Do you think she would be proud?"

Regulus swallowed hard, blood in his mouth where he'd bitten his tongue. "No."

But it wasn't his mother whose disappointment he feared.

Sirius, having tried so hard to spare him this experience. Regulus understood now why his brother was how he was, why he yelled so quickly and worried so much, why he kept the leash so short.

And in return, Regulus had basically spat into his face.

He knew Sirius would be disgusted if he saw him like this. Sirius, who had endured much worse torment at an even younger age - how strong his brother had been, even when they thought they'd broken him.

"Just like that brother of yours," Bellatrix hissed. "A bloody disgrace. She'd be rolling in her grave."

For the first time since her death, Regulus realized that he didn't mourn her death any longer. What his mother would think didn't matter anymore. She was gone. He thought of Sirius. If Sirius was here, what would he do? Sirius wouldn't be weak like Regulus. He'd fight back. He wouldn't give Bellatrix the satisfaction of seeing him beg for mercy, wouldn't let her triumph over him. _Yes, Ma_ _'am_ \- something Sirius would never say, never. Tears entered Regulus' eyes. He blinked them away. If he had only been more like his brother, maybe he would be able to look at himself in the mirror.

"I doubt that," he mumbled. No, he wouldn't let her win so easily. To not bend in his will was a triumph in itself, what happened later didn't matter. Resistance as a principle, not for her but for his own sake, to remember who he was. "Her coffin is form-fitted, so she can't actually move, not to mention roll…"

A blazing heat on his left cheek cut him off.

"How dare you! Crucio!"

There it was again, the fire, and Regulus was screaming.

* * *

Regulus felt Rodolphus drag his limp body out of the room like a puppet. On the way up to the second floor, Regulus' head repeatedly hit against the stairs. A deep, annoyed groan and he was lifted up, carelessly thrown over a bony shoulder. A heavy door opening, and then Rodolphus let Regulus' body slip off his shoulder and fall to the floor like a sack of rice.

Murmurs directly above him as through a grey acoustic veil.

"…has to learn the hard way."

"…pathetic, if it wasn't for the promise I made Orion, I would…"

Hands on Regulus' body, patting him down roughly, taking his wand.

"He'll be fine, Pixie can keep an eye on him."

"…boy will break fast. No sense of duty, no priorities… have to work on that."

The door snapped shut. He was alone.

For an eternity, he lay on the dirty stone floor, unable to sink beneath it to the oblivion he craved, caught in a hallucination in some place between awareness and unconsciousness. He saw shadows creeping through the room, beasts like shadows in glass, malicious smirks with sharp fangs flashing and then disappearing. The screeching sound of claws scratching along the walls. Whispers, everywhere. Right next to his ear or on the other side of the door, words incoherent and voices unfamiliar.

A dead cockroach lay not far from him, on its back. Regulus thought he saw its hairy little legs wriggling from time to time but whenever he managed to focus his vision, the cockroach lay motionless.

The mullioned window was closed firmly, but the curtains were open so he could let his gaze wander, watched snow-leaden clouds pass over the night sky. Regulus stretched out his arm, tried to reach the feint rectangle of silver moonlight reflected on the floor. His fingertips numb, he didn't know whether he touched it or not.

The brightest star was out there, somewhere in the north. But this winter night's blind glare was merciless, and Regulus knew he wouldn't be able to see it, not today, being so far from those islands of light. He wasn't even sure if he would still find it, having kept his eyes on other constellations for too long. Next to Orion, the Greater Dog had always seemed so small and low.

Every hug he had rejected, every smile he had ignored was gone now, irretrievably lost.

… _And the birds no longer sing…_

Those eyes in those dark, dusty corners, glittering in black air.

Those shadows gliding up and down the walls, closer now, confident and sleek like sharks in deep blue waters.

" _Don't cry, Reggie. I'm here. It was just a dream."_

" _But I'm so afraid!" Regulus, shaking, fearfully pressing himself against his big brother. And then whispering, as though speaking it out loud would make it come true: "What if there are monsters in the darkness?"_

" _Then I'll protect you." The response was immediate and always the same. Sirius' hand was on his neck, pushing Regulus' head to rest against his chest. A gentle squeeze. "You're safe with me, okay?"_

Tears in his eyes at the memory. "Okay," Regulus mouthed, alone in this dark, empty room.

* * *

Tick, tock, tick, tock. The second hand was speeding round the clock face, and the minute hand revolved almost as fast, passed the Roman numerals like a sprinter racing around the track in a stadium. Tick, tock - the sound merciless, incredibly exhausting. Sirius wanted it to stop, wanted the clock on the mantel to stop so he could only take a single breath.

The others were talking and talking. He had imagined this to be more like a secret meeting, with lights flickering and people speaking in hushed voices; but this - this was disappointing. It was mostly Moody and Dumbledore arguing with their Mom and Dad, with James lazily tipping his chair back and forth and Sirius standing, resting his elbows against the back of his chair, fingers drumming on wood. The others were sitting at the dining table, and the clock on the wall was ticking, and words followed up words.

A heated debate had erupted soon after Mr. Potter had explained the situation. In the beginning, Sirius had argued his case strongly, that they should simply go and get Regulus, using any force necessary. He knew his cousin, and he knew that Regulus might have been able to play for time in the beginning, but he was missing for six hours now, and Sirius couldn't wait any longer.

With a sense of annoyance growing at every word spoken, at every hesitation to get going, Sirius became more and more impatient. Time flowed fast, the continuous ticking of the clock picked at Sirius' nerves like needles on skin. Time, a threat now, limited, sand in an hourglass threatening to drown him and his brother. They had used to float easy on this river of time, through sunny days, but that river that only yesterday had seemed endless and safe had taken a turn and before they had known it, Sirius and Regulus had fallen down a waterfall, Regulus' fingers being ripped from Sirius desperate grip, and they were thrown around violently, panting for air, fighting not to drown in this brutal swell time had become.

"We cannot simply go there, break in and take the lad," Moody said. "I know that's not what you want to hear, but the evidence we have won't be enough for a search warrant." There was something intimidating and simultaneously fascinating about the auror. Moody dominated the discussion with a natural authority, like a weathered tree, the only one still standing on a rough ledge; roots clawing to every groove, it had battled wind and torrent waters but stood as proudly as a warrior.

"This is a clear case of kidnapping, and we have a witness," Mr. Potter argued.

"So what? I believe you, Fleamont, but what will the Council see? A troublesome runaway staying at his cousin's after a fight with his brother? A difficult family situation, the older brother guardian, parents dead - the most they would do is offer family counseling," Moody shot back. "Secondly, I think you're forgetting who we're dealing with here. The Lestrange's ties to the Ministry are, regrettably, stronger than ever, with Rodolphus cousin to the Minister of Magic. Old families are powerful families, and more often than not sympathizers of that Riddle figure. Most importantly, the old Crouch would never allow this case to get too much attention, not with his own son involved." Moody snipped with his fingers. "And just like that, the case goes in the bin."

Mr. Potter sighed. He realized that, with Crouch as the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Moody had a point. He looked at his wife. She put her hand on his.

"Then we are simply going to have to go about this in a different way," Mrs. Potter decided.

Dumbledore raised his bushy eyebrows high. He held an uncanny resemblance to an old Snowy Owl, movements silent and thoughtful but his ice blue gaze sharp and observant. "And what do you suggest?"

"If the Ministry won't be of any help, we're going to have to take matters into our own hands. I don't care how it's done, but get that boy home, and fast!" Mrs. Potter said. Sirius gave her a thankful look.

"I hope you don't mind my question," Dumbledore said, a firmness in his half-smile - firmer than a full smile or a white line of thin lips would have been, "but how exactly do we know that young Mr. Black is in danger? He showed no resistance leaving his friend's house, so how can we be sure that leaving with his cousin wasn't his original intention?"

"Barty left the room under a pretext, then informed Bellatrix while Regulus waited in his room," Mr. Potter explained. "Her appearance must have surprised him."

"This doesn't automatically create a dangerous situation."

"I know my brother, and I know Bellatrix," Sirius interjected forcefully, angry now with the headmaster's continued skepticism. "She threatened him before. She's going to hurt him, I know it! Especially after he…" He searched for words, "…switched sides. She's going to blame him for not living up to our dead parents' wishes!"

Dumbledore looked at him over his half-moon shaped spectacles. "I know you want to believe the best when it comes to your brother, but considering the last months, most of his actions have been of questionable loyalty to you, have they not?"

Sirius was taken aback by that. Reg had made mistakes, yes, but he had never truly been disloyal. "What do you mean, Professor?"

"I am simply suggesting that there might be things your brother hid from you, aspects of his personality perhaps, or affiliations." The old man's voice was as smooth as ever, but through his half-moon spectacles he was studying Sirius like a hawk. "In the Great Hall, he frequently sat with certain members of his house who are very open about their affiliations, he was also very involved in Slytherin's activities, hence I wouldn't be too surprised if he also upheld contact with Bellatrix. She is his cousin, we must not forget that."

Sirius had difficulties following Dumbledore's chain of arguments. He himself had, more than once, had this discussion with Regulus about keeping away from Avery, Mulciber, and the likes of those people, but he'd also understood that it was difficult being an outsider in Slytherin. He knew he'd been rather lenient with his brother, and in hindsight, he certainly regretted not having been stricter when it came to Avery, Mulciber and Snape, but he'd also never took a closer look at Regulus' friendship with Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch. He had wanted to evade this never-ending argument, hadn't wanted to fight with his brother or see him unhappy and lonely, and thus had been inconsistent and almost negligent. Sirius wondered whether things would be different today, and Reg would be safe now, firmly asleep in his bed just like he should be, if he had only put Regulus' safety first and his need for harmony second.

He looked at Dumbledore. The old man didn't elaborate, but Sirius had a hunch there was more to Dumbledore's questioning Regulus' loyalty than the boy's habit of sitting with his house mates in the Great Hall.

James scoffed. "He can be a bit of a moron, true, but even Regulus knows Bellatrix Lestrange is a maniac. He wouldn't have done that."

"James, that is enough now," Mrs. Potter interrupted her son, eyebrows drawn together so they were set in an almost continuous line just above the golden rim of her glasses. "I've about had it with you constantly picking on that boy!"

James seemed surprised. "But Mum, he's not even here!"

"That's not an excuse, James Fleamont Potter, and you know that! You don't talk about other people like that, no matter whether they are present or not!"

James rolled his eyes in an attempt to dismiss the embarrassment, still, he blushed deeply at his mother's admonishing words in front of the headmaster and Moody, no less. James, just like Sirius, aspired to become an auror after graduating from Hogwarts, and with the hope of one day being allowed to work under Moody - the greatest auror of our time, as James had called him on several occasions - being told off by his mum in the man's presence was about as bad as it could be.

"No need to chew my ears off, Jeez."

Sirius wasn't sure whether to grin or feel sorry for him. He knew Mrs. Potter had a valid point, and he didn't like anyone insulting Reg, but sometimes, he wished he could simply phrase things the way James did without having to tiptoe around his little brother's precious feelings or having to set a good example.

"Don't think those eye-rolls or that tone escape my attention, James!"

"What tone?"

Knowing how argumentative James could be, Sirius quickly changed the topic. "So you're going to leave us alone with this, Professor?"

This direct question took Dumbledore off guard. "Certainly, I will do anything in my power to help you, however, this situation is quite complicated…"

"Can't the Order intervene?"

Dumbledore looked surprised. "What exact order are you referring to?"

"The Order of the Phoenix," Sirius responded straightforwardly, refraining from rolling his eyes. That the adults still treated them as though they were stupid annoyed him more and more.

"How have you gained knowledge about this?" Moody inquired, backbone straightening, voice loud, and suddenly Sirius could see how the man could cause criminals to shake in their boots at the mere sound of his name.

Still, unlike those people, Sirius had more important things to worry about, so he didn't care that this would probably get them in trouble. "We overheard Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall talk."

Dumbledore smiled slightly at that, visibly relieved. "We should be more careful about where to discuss sensitive information then."

"Aye, the walls have ears these days," Moody said with a sniff, then cast a suspicious look around the room.

Mrs. Potter still looked cross, but she didn't comment on this, despite looking as though she wanted to.

Everyone was silent for a few moments, the only sound Moody tapping his prosthetic foot against a table leg.

"Alright," he said suddenly. "Gonna call Prewett. He's gotta be at the office still, working, or at least he better be. He'll be able to locate the lad, as he's still under the trace and I can't see Bellatrix Lestrange travelling the muggle way, so she will have used side-along apparition." He got to his feet.

Fabian Prewett took his time responding and Moody already prepared to floo over to the Auror Headquarters himself, when the freckled face of a young man with a remarkably big nose appeared in the flames. Moody didn't waste any time, he briefly ordered the younger auror to look through the files of underage wizards and check Regulus' file for any information about his whereabouts.

"But Alastor, _you_ should know that this is a violation of the Data Protection Act of 1967 without the previous authorization of -"

"Aren't you the clever-clogs, Fabian! Just do as you're told."

The red-head grinned. "And what shall I tell the Crouch if he gets wind of this?"

"You can tell him he can kiss my arse." Moody sounded dead-serious.

Prewett laughed. "Alright, now I'm actually hoping he finds out."

"Get working," Moody responded gruffly. Ending the connection, the green flames vanished.

Mr. Potter eyed the man, the shadow of an amused smile hiding in the corners of his mouth. "And what if he really says that?"

Moody grunted. "Then I'll make sure he gets a raise. Finding someone who can still follow orders isn't easy nowadays."

Sirius looked at Dumbledore, realizing that the man had not yet answered his question. "Professor? What about the Order?"

Dumbledore exchanged a look with Moody. "This seems like an issue of a too personal nature for the Order," he said slowly.

"Great," Sirius huffed. He felt incredibly angry all of a sudden. "So no one feels responsible, this is brilliant. What's even the point in having that order then?"

James looked confused. "But isn't the Order supposed to fight against Dark Wizards? Isn't that the reason it was founded in the first place?"

"It is," Dumbledore nodded. "But in times like these, and with situations as delicate as young Regulus', any overreaction from our side could trigger catastrophic consequences. As long as there is no absolute clarity that the boy's life is indeed in danger -"

"So he's gotta be on the brink of dying until you decide it's worth it?" Sirius' voice had risen in volume and he had to force himself to maintain an appearance of being calm and reasonable, even though he was seething, inwardly.

"Sirius," Dumbledore said, his tone incredibly intense, "imagine what the outcome of this could be. Should the Order get into an open fight with the Lestranges, on their property no less, this will mean the outbreak of the war we're feeling already, seething under the surface."

"What if it was your family?" Sirius asked bitterly. "What if it was your brother? Your child?"

Dumbledore was silent. There was some compassion in his gaze, but even more rigidity.

"Fine. Then I'll go alone." Sirius met James' eyes. James blinked, and as if he'd suddenly got an idea, his eyes widening in excitement. Sirius instantly knew what his best friend was thinking. "You got the cloak, right?"

James nodded. A grin began to form on his face.

"No one is going alone," Mr. Potter said firmly.

"No, I'm going with him," James said, eyes still locked with Sirius'. "We can do this."

Mr. Potter almost jumped to his feet. "Nonsense! The two of you alone against that madwoman and who knows who else, I'm not going to allow that!" He was leaning forward, hands on the table balled to tight fists.

"Fleamont," Mrs. Potter tried, but James was faster.

"Dad, listen. We can do this, we'll use the cloak," James said. "No one will see us. We'll sneak in, sneak out, easy-peasy."

" _Easy-peasy_ , nothing about this is easy-peasy, boy!"

"Your father's Invisibility Cloak you mean, lad?" Moody asked, his interest woken. "The two of you will fit under it?"

"Yes," Sirius said quickly. They did fit under it, and when Sirius was in his dog form, they would have the additional asset of his hearing and smell. He looked at James again. James wore a wide grin now, leaning back in his chair, arms comfortably crossed behind his head. Sirius smiled back, hesitantly. "There's -"

Mr. Potter cut him off. "Under no circumstances, and I repeat, _under no circumstances_ , will the two of you go there alone!"

"Not alone, certainly not," Moody said. "But with the cloak, we can avoid direct confrontation. And should it come to a fight, aurors who, as chance would have it, might just have been around, are by law required to intervene." He chuckled. "This might actually work."

"It _will_ work," Sirius said. He looked at Mr. Potter now, suddenly recognizing the fear underlying Mr. Potter's harsh statement. "Dad, please," he said softly, "remember in how much trouble we got using that cloak? And what you know is only the tip of the iceberg. I promise you, we know what we're doing. They won't be able to catch us."

He could see the emotions war on Mr. Potter's face.

"I think it's probably the safest option," Mrs. Potter said gently, placing her hand on her husband's shoulder. "If anyone can get to Regulus without being seen, it's our boys."

Mr. Potter's eyes met Sirius', and Sirius knew that restless look, the feeling behind it constricting his own throat when he thought of his little brother. And it was not simply the worry about Regulus that had Mr. Potter on the edge, but an added worry now, a fear for his two sons. Sirius wished he could say that he was sorry. "Dad, I promise," he mouthed.

Those brown eyes, looking at him for an eternity, it seemed. And eventually, with a pain entering them, a short nod from a father putting all his faith in his sons. Sirius never admired the man more than in this moment.

The fireplace roared. Prewett stepped through, a triumphant smile on his lips as he held up a ministry file. "Got him!"

* * *

As soon as they had the location, things suddenly went fast. Mrs. Potter outdid herself coming up with all kinds of safety measures and fallback options. Mr. Potter insisted that they take one of the magically linked mirrors with them so they would be able to call for back-up while Mrs. Potter and Dumbledore created a one-way portkey back to safety out of a chess piece, a wooden knight. As soon as they had found Regulus, they were supposed to activate it, and in no less than ten seconds, the portkey would transport them safely to the hospital wing at Hogwarts. They had at first considered side-along apparition with Blinky, as house elves weren't usually affected by man-made apparition wards, but as the Lestranges had a house-elf themselves, Mrs. and Mr. Potter concluded that, should Blinky get injured in a fight, the risk would be too high. Blinky wasn't a natural fighter, and she got frightened very easily. In addition to that, Moody noted that the house was likely surrounded by additional wards created by house-elves, and those could turn dangerously hostile when an unfamiliar elf's magic interfered with them.

With a few flicks of his wand, Moody created a three-dimensional architectural floor plan of Lestrange Manor. Like on an operation table, they considered every part of the house carefully, and Mrs. Potter thought of every detail in order to come up with a plan that would work like a clean and confident cut in the right place with a swift extraction of the target following. Regulus' time was running, but they had only one chance to get him out of there without risking more than what was already on the stake.

Ancient wards prevented them from apparating directly inside the house, so the closest they would get without setting the wards off was by apparating to the outer edge of the property. Dumbledore, Moody, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Potter would get into position just behind the hedges that enclosed the property so they could, in case something went wrong, intervene quickly. There were several entrances, the front door, a back door, and the entrance for the house elves that led directly to the storage rooms and kitchen in the basement. There were four fireplaces with a connection to the floo network, one in the basement, two on the first floor and one upstairs in the study. In Mrs. Potter's opinion, the best way would be to enter through the back door, as the way through the basement was the most likely to be blocked.

For the first time, Sirius was thankful to be familiar with the house, despite the fact that he had hated going there and his parents had often left him behind at Grimmauld Place when they went to visit family friends and relatives. In hindsight, the few times his parents had dragged him along were an asset now, and his knowledge might just determine the outcome of this operation. He knew that they would have to be careful around the stairs, as they were relatively narrow, and with the portraits in the hallways, he knew how to scare away Pixie. And first and foremost: He knew Bellatrix. If their parents had only known that by forcing Sirius to learn about their world, they had provided him with a way to defeat it - he almost wanted to see their enraged faces, it was poetic.

It was 1:30am when they were finally ready.

"Take care." Mrs. Potter's voice was trembling now, for the first time in the evening, some of that nervousness she had kept sealed away seeped through. She gave them each a tight hug. "You know what to do. Stick to the plan. Get that boy out of there, safely." She forced a smile, her eyes watering now. "I'm so proud of you, boys."

Mr. Potter clapped them on the shoulder, wordlessly. He seemed anxious too, but did his best not to let it show too much.

Then, with a pop, they apparated just outside the wards of Lestrange Manor.

tbc...

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed. Especially to all the guest reviewers whom I can't thank individually - claire k, Ariana, Cam, Lunaabee,itstheurgetofall, and all the others - thank so so much for checking this story so loyally for updates... I know I'm an incredibly slow writer.


	36. Operation Nemo

A/N: Thank y'all for reading and reviewing! I can't say it enough, but every single response I get makes my entire day. A special thank you also to the guest reviewers - I find it so impossible that I can't thank you individually, because you definitely deserve that just as much as everyone else. So - thank you, Kam, Ariana, ooshaboosha (did you change your name?), edame, Gina, Lou, and the other anonymous ones.

Some of you asked for more one-shots. I am definitely willing to write some more, if you're interested. If you have any requests, any suggestions whatsoever, please let me know!

If you want to contact me (this regards the guest reviewers in particular, but everyone else too of course), you can also do so on tumblr because at least I can reply there (And I hate long A/N on fanfiction; I can never answer every question here). Just write me a message or an anonymous ask.

You can find me on **tumblr ** under the same name as on here: **riakida**

* * *

Sirius had never in his life been so keen on entering this house, despite the fact that this was basically the lion's den - or rather, the serpent's nest. He could barely restrain himself and wait until the others were on their designated posts. It was like the world had gotten out of joint and its center had been relocated to this dark place where his little brother was being kept. The rest of the world had nothing left to offer him, not without his brother - his most important person in the world - alone with those maniacs in that house.

Hidden under their invisibility cloak, the two young men waited for Moody's signal. The others would wait outside and stay hidden unless Sirius and James called for help. _Anything to prevent the outbreak of a war._ They were already at war, at least as far as Sirius was concerned.

"James," Sirius whispered. "You take the portkey."

"Do you think there's gonna be a fight?"

"I don't know. If Reg is with Bellatrix, we're gonna have to come up with something, create a distraction. Or we'll fight."

Then the sound of a crow cawing twice - their signal that the others were prepared and looking out for them. Sirius and James began to move into the direction of the house.

"Mum and Dad are gonna be so pissed in case we disobey them."

Sirius suppressed a sigh. "Yeah. But I'm not going to leave without my brother."

"I know." James didn't sound overly concerned about this. "Nor am I."

Lestrange Manor was mostly dark; only from the windows on the first floor, where the parlour was, came light.

"Maybe we should use another entry," Sirius suggested, considering that the back door lead directly into the parlour. "I'm not keen on having to deal with her this soon."

James agreed. They went around the house, careful to stay close to the walls and in the shadows where the trail of footprints they left in the snow wouldn't be too obvious.

"Do you think he's gonna come with us on his own?" James asked. "Without making a fuss?"

Sirius chewed on his lips. He'd been so focused on making a plan on getting his brother out of the house that he hadn't really considered the possibility that Reg might resist and put up a fight. What if Regulus was still so angry that he refused to come with him? Still, Reg belonged to him, and not to Bellatrix, but Sirius wasn't sure whether his brother was completely aware of the danger he was in.

"It's not like I'm gonna give him a choice."

"Yeah… but he's probably gonna be against it by principle. That's how he is, the little brat." James pursed his lips in his best impression of Sirius' brother. "How dare you rescue me from this place! I'm almost an adult, I can take care of myself, I don't need your help, or anyone's help - just fuck off and leave me alone. Put those chains back on me and don't forget to lock the door you just unlocked!"

Sirius' lips quirked upwards. "You're forgetting that he hates me, so I would get the silent treatment. He would write me a bloody note and then push it through the gap under the door."

James chuckled. "Or he's gonna be like this: 'Potter, _tell him_ to fuck off.'"

"Yeah," Sirius mumbled, the corners of his mouth quirking upwards. "At least he's still talking to you."

Sirius' smile froze. Amusement overwrought with bitterness created a stale taste in his mouth. It was wishful thinking, they both knew that. The chance of finding Reg unharmed, well enough to grumble and complain, was frighteningly slim.

They reached the servants' entry into the basement. Everything was dark, and they had to watch their steps as they carefully climbed down the frozen stairs to the door.

James produced his wand. "Aloho-"

"Wait," Sirius hissed. "Magic might set their wards off." He pulled a penknife out of his pocket, opened it and inserted the blade into the crack between door and doorframe. Then, he quickly slid the blade up and down. A soft crack and the lock sprung open.

James raised his eyebrows. "Good thinking."

"Yeah, well, we can't take risks, not this time."

The basement, a maze of dark rooms not separated by doors, was cold and smelled of old wood, mold, and dust. The rooms were crammed to the ceiling with all kinds of stuff, from old chairs stacked upon damaged and broken furniture to tottering piles of books and a collection of animal skulls. There were hundreds of jars, stored in warped shelves along the walls, some filled with homemade preserves and others with potion ingredients. A jar of rattle-snake tails, a bowl filled with frog eyes. With the light from his wand, James looked around in fascination, marveled at an old knight's armor that was almost completely hidden under a thick layer of spiderwebs, whereas Sirius kept his focus straight on the exit, carefully squeezing his body along the narrow corridor that led through those mountains of collectives. He had seen all of this before, when playing hide and seek with Regulus in the basement at the age of maybe eight or nine. This hadn't been allowed of course, but the boys had excused themselves to the bathroom and then they had started exploring. To their right side, the corridor led to the house elf's sleeping place and the kitchen. They would have to pass them in order to get to the stairway and up to the first floor.

They had just turned around a corner when their cloak got caught on some decorative hooks that sprouted from the edges of an old metal chair. James stumbled and fell, tried to catch himself at his friend's sleeve but no avail. He took Sirius with him, and together, they almost set off an avalanche. The mountain of junk to which the chair was attached rocked dangerously, and for a moment, both of them simply stared at it, petrified, afraid to make a sound, afraid that even the slightest breeze would set off a domino piece and trigger a catastrophe.

A jar of dried spider legs crashed to the ground, sent shards sprawling all over the floor. They winced, James closed his eyes whereas Sirius held his breath and watched the door, listening for any sign of footsteps approaching, but nothing happened.

The rest of the mountain remained firmly in place.

Sirius glowered at his friend when he had gotten over his shock. "For Merlin's sake," he hissed.

"Sorry." James looked at his hands. A red scrape-mark now grazed the side of his left palm, caused by the fall. He closed his hand to a fist.

Sirius took a shuddering breath, tried to calm his nerves.

They reached the bottom of the stairs. Sirius crouched down, motioned for James to get close.

"I'm gonna transform now," he whispered. "If anything goes wrong, go and get help, don't wait for me. I'm only gonna leave here with my brother, or I won't leave at all."

"Yeah, right, because I would leave without you."

"Get help and return then."

"Just dog the line, Padfoot." James rolled his eyes. They both knew that neither of them would ever leave the other's side in a situation like this. The only way to get through this was to do so together.

Sirius smirked. "Smell ya later, then."

He transformed.

* * *

He could sense that his brother had been here. Not right here, not in the basement, but in this house. He was still here too, he could smell his presence.

Padfoot couldn't hear his voice, though. There was a shrill sound coming from the first floor, one that made Padfoot cock his ears and suppress a growl. Bellatrix' voice, he recognized her instantly. There was a second, lower voice, responding to hers, a muffled yet approving echo of her words.

James paused. "Are they close?"

Padfoot shook his head ever-so-slightly. He climbed the stairs, carefully checking them for creaking steps before they would have to carry James' much heavier weight, knowing James would follow his lead.

During their many nights spent in the Forbidden Forest with Moony and Wormtail, they had gotten so used to the others' body language and non-verbal signs that they had quickly learned to communicate without words. And especially Padfoot's dog skills - his hearing, his sense of smell, his good instincts - had proven to be extremely useful when it came to sneaking around the castle, looking for secret passageways.

"I wish I could let the stag out of the bag," James whispered.

Padfoot wished that too. But a stag on old parquet would be like a bull in a china shop. James often complained that, at Hogwarts, his animagus form only ever got to see the forest whereas Padfoot and Wormtail were free to roam the hallways without raising too much attention. On the other hand though, a team of wizard and animagus had its benefits, as the wizard in question (James or Remus) was able to hold the cloak and use their wand when the animagus couldn't.

Padfoot nudged the basement door with his snout, carefully pushing it open far enough so they both fit through. The first floor was not quite as dark as the basement. Light shone from the gap under the door to the parlour, and through the windows, a sliver of moonlight created a blueish outline of their surroundings.

Unlike James, Padfoot didn't need to rely on his eyes to see the room. There was a variety of odors in this place that lit his way the same way bright daylight would have - candle wax on the floor and flame in the air left the strongest impression, then tapestry and mold mixing and clinging to the walls, a sniff of walnut and hazelnut, and dinner must have been a juicy roasted chicken.

While Padfoot kept his nose down, James raised his gaze and studied his surroundings through the thin fabric of the Invisibility Cloak. The walls were decorated by half a dozen portraits, all different in size, style, and motive. A man in armor was snoring in a large portrait near the stairway, leaning on a pike. An elderly woman had fallen asleep in a giant armchair, her small frame almost disappearing in between several plush pillows nestled around her. They had to be mindful of a picture of a woman to their left who was rocking a creature that looked like a baby at first but at a closer look revealed to be the body of an infant with an adult man's bearded face.

Padfoot sniffed around. A feint echo of cigarette smoke, days old, hiding in cracks and grooves. A bouquet of withered roses, just barely kept alive by magic. A wet wool coat on the coat rack, farther down the floor.

Bellatrix' tangy feminine smell stuck to every spot in the room, and Rodolphus' more masculine one as well, as was expected. James should consider himself fortunate that his nose didn't have to suffer the full extent of how bad evil people smelled. There was something more complex to a person's scent than their odor alone; it was like evil thoughts sept right through a person's pores and left a spiky trail of maliciousness hovering in the air, which, to dogs, was incredibly repulsive. Cats, on the other hand, didn't seem to care too much, a fact that unsettled Padfoot and simultaneously affirmed his suspicions against them. Cats probably had too much criminal energy in their veins already to feel repelled by the scent of evil.

Padfoot also noticed that they must have had visitors not long ago, dozens of shoe-sized sheens of mud, dirt, and gravel still covered the ground, smells that were distinctly different and didn't have their origin here, or anywhere close to the house.

There was something worrying him, something about the scent of Regulus. It was strong on the ground, too strong, a continuous line that led from the parlour to the stairway. The unsettling image of his brother lying on the ground, being dragged along, formed in front of Padfoot's inner eye.

He kept his focus on this single smell now, his brother's smell, and followed it. It wasn't Regulus' usual one either, but a harsher, sweatier version of the usually crisp and boyish scent Padfoot knew. The stench of fear lay in the air, and Padfoot knew that they had hurt his little brother.

On the stairs, the track changed again, wasn't as close anymore, but instead hovered a few feet above the ground. Beyond them, Padfoot heard Bellatrix. He shifted his hairy outer ears back. "Still, it's a shame. He seemed so promising in the beginning, so dedicated."

Padfoot bared his teeth. As much as he wanted to run down there and attack that horrible woman who had kidnapped his brother, it was Regulus who was of first priority. And Regulus was upstairs, Padfoot could sense his presence. His little brother, he was close. Padfoot's heart fastened at the thought, and he nervously wagged his tail. He was dying to get to the boy, to see whether he was fine, to take him home, to make sure he was safe -

 _to hug him and never let go._

A creaking step under Padfoot's paws, and he looked at James, then skipped the step. James, bending forward to ensure that the cloak still covered the both of them, followed Padfoot's example. The stairs were steep and well-trodden, and James grabbed the railing tightly. Climbing these narrow stairs together, under the cloak, while making no noise at all, was harder than they had expected. James had some difficulties maneuvering the cloak so that they wouldn't accidentally step on it and risk falling.

They had almost reached the top when there were footsteps. Light and soft, short steps, like a child's. They both knew, however, that what came from the first floor and would inevitably collide with their invisible form wasn't a child.

It was the Lestrange's house elf.

Padfoot stiffened. The elf wasn't there yet, but it was only a question of seconds. He had to warn James, James had to take care of this.

James, whose human reaction time was always a little bit delayed, bumped into the dog. Padfoot kept his gaze strictly focused on the direction of where the elf would come from, and James sucked in air through his teeth. Padfoot saw him raise his wand, and the dog prepared to attack the elf in case James missed.

It was only a split-second later that an old house elf appeared on top of the stairs. Pixie, Padfoot remembered her.

" _Stupor_!" A flash of red light and Pixie dropped to the ground, unconscious.

They hurried past her.

"Which door?" James hissed.

It wasn't as easy anymore to track Regulus' scent, it seemed to be everywhere and yet nowhere, the trail that, downstairs, had been strong and clear was now wavering and erratic. The boy must have been carried upstairs, this was the only way one could leave a trail like this.

Padfoot's nervousness rose. He scudded from one door to the next, anxious for a sound, a smell, any sign of his brother.

He stopped in front of the last door to their left. Regulus, he had to be in there, Padfoot could sense it. There was a dark sense of danger surrounding that room.

" _Alohomora_." James held his wand so tightly that his knuckles went white.

The lock opened with a metallic click. Padfoot slipped under the hem of the cloak and shook it off, pushed the door open and entered, closely followed by James.

Not far from the windows lay a figure, on the side, moonlight spilling throug barred windows onto narrow shoulders.

Padfoot rushed over to him, not caring anymore about keeping silent. Regulus' eyes were closed and there was dried blood on his lips and forehead, gluing disheveled strands of black hair together. His skin was as white as porcelain. Padfoot gently nudged the boy's cold cheek with his snout.

No reaction.

"Regulus," James called.

Padfoot transformed and within seconds, Sirius appeared. He dropped to his knees, bent over the boy, checked his pulse. A breath of relief on his lips - Regulus was alive, he was simply unconscious.

"Reg," Sirius said, shaking the boy's shoulders, trying to wake him up. "Reggie? Come on, open your eyes for me, please."

A moan, coming from a sore throat. The boy stirred. Sirius took Regulus' hand, squeezed it gently. "We're here, Reggie. We're gonna get you out of here."

Eyelids twitched, opening and closing again, pupils not dilating, not finding focus in the darkness of the room. But Regulus' fingers, closing around Sirius'. Tears rose in Sirius' eyes. With his other hand, Sirius gently brushed Regulus' hair out of his face.

"Boys, you're so predictable, I'm almost disappointed."

Sirius and James whirled around.

Bellatrix was standing behind them, in the corner, her body a mere silhouette in the darkness. She was smirking, lazily pointing her wand at them. "After all the stories that I heard I expected you to be a little more… sneaky? Oh well, men rarely match the myth in cases like yours."

James turned his head, cast a glance in the direction of the exit. Rodolphus was blocking the way, a malicious grin on his face. They were trapped. Maybe Pixie had woken up and informed her masters, or Bellatrix had expected them to come here sooner or later, and had only waited for their arrival.

James acted quickly, fired a spell at Bellatrix. She blocked it effortlessly, chuckled. "You better practice that one again. Potter, is it? _Expelliarmus_!"

His wand was ripped out of his hand and he was thrown back, landed on the ground behind Regulus.

Sirius raised his wand too, pointed it at her. He moved to stand in front of Regulus so that he shielded his brother's body with his own.

"How cute," she sneered. "You actually want him back? Are you sure, though, after all that he did? _Sirius_?" His name on her lips a snarl. She left the corner, took her time as she approached them slowly, enjoyed watching their panic grow, like a cat playing with a mouse between sharp claws. She could kill them without any trouble, but chose not to, not out of mercy of course, but because she wanted to see them suffer first.

Sirius aimed a spell at her. She waved her hand, caused his magic to rebound on him and clash with his shoulder. His wand clattered to the ground, rolled away. He wanted to pick it up but Rodolphus was faster, stepped on it with his boot.

The sound of wood breaking sent shivers running up and down Sirius' spine. Crackling laughter came from Bellatrix' direction. "Oopsie."

James, also disarmed and still on the ground, moved closer to Regulus. Bellatrix and Rodolphus were closing in on them.

"What did you do to my brother?" Sirius' voice was shaking with anger.

"He was a tiny bit reluctant when it came to following orders recently. He will learn his lesson."

Sirius bared his teeth. "He's got nothing to learn from you, bitch!"

Bellatrix laughed. She stood close to them now.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sirius saw James reaching into the pocket of his coat. Time. All they needed was a little bit of time. He backed away until his heels touched Regulus' back.

 _Ten. Nine. Eight._

"Treachery, is that what you're talking about? True, that's your expertise, not mine. Regulus will learn his place with me," Bellatrix hissed. "That, or he'll follow your example and pay a price so high he'll wish he was never born. Just as you will. _Traitor_."

 _Seven. Six. Five._

She stood only an arm's length away from him now, pointed her wand at his chest as if to stab it right into his heart. "But don't worry. I think bearing witness to your end will be deterrent enough for him."

 _Four. Three._

Sirius scoffed. He took note of James taking Regulus' hand, intertwining fingers. "You're fucking pathetic, _Trixie_ ," Sirius spat.

Her eyes flashed dangerously. She had always hated that name.

"Crucio!"

Gasoline in Sirius' veins, a single spark, and fire spreading, hungrily licking at his flesh.

 _Two._

Sirius, dropping to his knees in front of her as his insides convulsed in pain.

A hand firmly grabbing at his shoulder. James. Sirius could always count on James.

 _One._

The ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of Sirius' lips as his eyes met his cousin's, pain sealing his teeth.

Satisfaction at the look of surprise on her face.

 _Gone._

* * *

They had a hard landing on the floor of Hogwarts' hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey, who had been reading in the nurses' room, hurried towards them.

"Look after Regulus," James pressed out. He was still holding tightly to the boy's hand, had brought Sirius and Regulus through the portkey's vertigo of time and space before collapsing on the ground, breathing hard, completely exhausted.

Sirius, who had tried his best to shelter his unconscious brother's impact with the hard stone floor, had Regulus' head on his lap. The boy was breathing in short gasps. Traveling via portkey had taken a heavy toll on him.

"Oh dear, oh dear." Madam Pomfrey made a movement with her wand and Regulus' body was floating onto one of the hospital beds.

There were other students around, awoken by the loud arrival of Sirius, James and Regulus - two first years who had come down with the flu and a third year who'd gotten into a fight with a classmate that same day. They were sitting up in their beds, furiously rubbing their eyes.

"Get back to sleep," James said to them. "We're fine."

"Fine? Is he even still alive?" The third-year nodded in the direction of Regulus.

James drew his eyebrows together at the rudeness of that question. "He better be."

Madam Pomfrey opened Regulus' eyelids, checked his pupils. Then his pulse. "The poor boy," she commented. "What happened?"

Sirius was holding his brother's hand tightly. "Bellatrix Lestrange. She kidnapped him. She hurt him." His voice was weak, but trembling with anger and worry.

A few potions came floating towards them, alighting on the table next to Regulus' bed. Madam Pomfrey ran a diagnostic spell on the boy. "The Cruciatus Curse," she mumbled, barely audible. Her lips thinned. With a wave of her wand, the curtains around Regulus' bed were drawn shut, shutting out the other children's curious looks. They closed directly in front of James' nose too, and the young man gave a huff. "Gonna call the others back, then," he said.

No response came from the other side of the curtain.

James fetched the mirror and called his parents. A few moments later, Dumbledore appeared, closely followed by Mr. and Mrs. Potter as well as Alastor Moody. Mrs. Potter immediately went to hug James tightly.

Dumbledore cast a short look at the curtains, already knowing what was behind them.

"Was there a fight?" he asked.

"I'd rather call it a distraction. We had to activate the portkey. Sirius was hit by a spell, and we were disarmed. But that's it."

On the other side of the curtain, Madame Pomfrey administered several healing spells on Regulus. "The Cruciatus Curse really is a horrible curse," she said. "It attacks the victim's magical core rather than the physical body. The magic that is being destroyed within the body causes the victim an unbearable amount of pain; and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets." She cast Sirius a quick look, to see how he took the news. "I don't want to scare you, but with this particular curse, there's only so much I can do. The physical damage that is done is repairable in most cases, but sometimes - when the torture has gone on for hours and hours - the magical core of the victim might be damaged beyond repair."

"But is he going to be fine?" Sirius looked down at his little brother, his heart constricting so painfully that he had to force himself to take another breath. He put his hand on Regulus forehead. It felt hot. Regulus was trembling ever so slightly as if he was feverish.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "I can't tell yet. It depends - you said he was awake for a short time?"

Sirius nodded. "When we were still at Lestrange Manor, he responded when I took his hand."

"That's a good sign." The woman smiled, but it looked forced. "We will have wait until he wakes up in order to assess his state - his physical, mental and magical state. Now, the most important thing is that he can rest and recover, while we relieve any lingering pain from the curse."

The curtains opened, and Mrs. Potter stuck her head in. She started crying when she saw Regulus lying on the hospital bed, pale and unresponsive. She went over to Sirius and hugged him tightly. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered. "So incredibly proud."

Sirius swallowed hard. He'd been too late, he'd taken too long to find his brother. All those hours that Bellatrix had had Reg in her power… and Sirius couldn't even imagine the pain and fear his brother must've gone through. No, every second he'd waited (hesitated, talked, discussed, planned, at the Potters' house, at Grimmauld Place, at Barty's place) had been too long. "They hurt him," he responded, his throat incredibly tight. "Bellatrix hurt him so badly." _And I wasn't there to protect him._

Mrs. Potter patted the side of his face. "He's safe," she said. "That's all that counts for now." She wiped the tears off her cheeks.

Meanwhile, Madame Pomfrey had spelled a set of calming and healing potions into Regulus' stomach. The boy's expression relaxed, his body loosened up. He looked like he was sleeping peacefully now, not like he was living through a feverish nightmare any longer.

"Can I take him home?" Sirius asked. The sight of his baby brother, pale, surrounded by white sheets and the castle's cold stone walls - he didn't want his brother to wake up here, at Hogwarts, so far from home. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't rest until he knew Regulus safe, until he had taken him back home. And who knew whether Regulus was even safe here, at Hogwarts. There were Death Eaters living in the dungeons. He cleared his throat. "I want to take him home as soon as possible." His voice sounded stronger now, more determined.

Madam Pomfrey was clearly on the fence about this. She began to object, but Sirius cut her off. He was Reg's guardian, he had a job to do - to make sure his brother was safe, that he felt safe. And this job was more important than anything else right now. "You said there's nothing much you can do. I want him to sleep in his own bed, after everything he's been through, he needs that comfort. I want him to know he's home. That's where he's supposed to be."

"We can take care of him," Mrs. Potter said quickly. "I know a thing or two about nursing. You give us instructions and we'll follow them right down to the last detail. The most important thing that he needs in order to recover seems to be a place where he feels at home. We can offer that."

Madam Pomfrey hesitated, her eyes flickering from Sirius to Mrs. Potter and back. "Fine. But you have to inform me after he wakes up," she said eventually. "I was never one for releasing patients early, but in this case, you might have a point."

* * *

Sirius carried Regulus up the stairs at the Potters' house. Even though Regulus was relatively skinny, he wasn't exactly a featherweight either, and especially not unconscious. Sirius didn't care. To hold Reg, to have him so close, was a privilege. And to tuck him into his bed, especially after the horrors of this night, was all Sirius wanted for now.

He entered their bedroom, and, climbing over the mess he'd left on the floor after searching the room earlier that evening, he carefully put his brother down on his bed. Mrs. Potter had followed them upstairs. Sirius pulled Regulus' shoes off his feet and Mrs. Potter unbuttoned his coat, removed it from around his shoulders. She transfigured Regulus' clothes into soft flannel pyjamas. Sirius lifted him up a bit, the boy's head resting against his chest as he arranged the pillow in the way he knew Regulus liked it. Then he lay him down, tucked the covers around his sleeping brother's form and sank down next to the bed, his knees weak suddenly.

Mrs. Potter patted his shoulder. "It's all going to be fine, love," she whispered. "See that you get some sleep too. You need it just as much." Sensing that Sirius needed some time alone with his brother right now, she left.

Sirius changed into his pyjamas, his movements automatic as if remotely controlled. Madame Pomfrey had healed the bump on Regulus' head, but Sirius could still make out some of the dried blood in Regulus' hair. He felt a sob beginning to tear at his chest, but didn't allow it to rise any further up than that. Not now. He couldn't rest like this, not with that blood still in Regulus' hair. He reached for his wand, and then remembered that he'd left it at Lestrange Manor. It didn't matter anyway, it was broken.

Sirius went to the bathroom and returned with a wet face cloth. Again, he sat down next to Regulus. Thanks to all the calming draughts he'd been given, Regulus slept deeply, his chest rose in a steady rhythm, his breathing was calm and even. His eyelids, like white rose petals, not twitching in pain any longer. Still, Sirius was careful not to wake him while he cleaned blood and dirt off the boy's forehead and hair as gently as he possibly could. Sirius felt hot tears rising. He tried to blink them away, but instead, they rolled down his cheeks. He would never forgive himself if Reg didn't make a full recovery. All this pain his little brother had endured - Sirius had never wanted this for him, he'd tried so hard to keep some of that child-like innocence alive. ( _Don't you worry about a thing, Reggie. Just be a child for a little longer_.) And despite all his efforts, Reg had been forced to learn the hard way.

There was no way to turn back time. Reg had got hurt, and Sirius couldn't undo it, he knew that. But he couldn't help wondering, all those what-ifs slicing through his mind like sharp blades.

Maybe he should have been stricter with him. Even if he had spanked him every single time Reg had only so much as argued over wearing the necklace or complained about how Sirius was overprotective when it came to the Death Eaters in the dungeons, it still would have been easier (on both of them) than having to go through this nightmare.

Or maybe he should have listened more. Maybe he should have talked more too, make Reg understand. He shouldn't have allowed Reg to retreat into his shell, to shut him and everyone else out. The fight they had had - he shouldn't have let it go on for three full days.

Sirius put the face cloth aside, leaned forward and placed a kiss on his brother's forehead. The smell of Regulus' hair, he'd missed it so much. He remained like this, silently crying into his brother's hair, soaking it with bitter tears.

Maybe he should have been Reg's big brother more. Reg hadn't trusted him as his guardian. Whatever had occurred in the last months, whatever Reg had hidden from him (and he must have hidden a lot, Sirius could sense it, the distrust between them, the lies, like a heavy cloud hanging deep, blurring the last months to dozens of questions. _What happened to us, Reg, how did it get this far?_ ) - it was because he hadn't trusted Sirius enough to ask for help. He was a shitty excuse for a guardian, Sirius knew that.

It was his fault, all of this.

An adult, strong, reliable, experienced. Someone Reg could look up to. Someone Reg could trust to guide him.

Sirius was none of that.

He was a hypocrite. A pretender. A liar. Eighteen bloody years old. He was experimenting rather than acting on experience. He had lied to himself, had lied to them both. Like he knew any better than Reg - he knew nothing about life. He'd barely had a taste of it.

And Reg saw all that, had tried to follow him but couldn't. Who was Sirius to blame him? They were brothers. Reg knew him, knew him too well, saw all the insecurity behind Sirius' practiced smile.

He had nothing to offer his brother. Nothing other than his unconditional love for him, his will to give his life for him, and to do anything he possibly could to keep him safe.

Whether that was still enough, however, was a different question.

tbc…


	37. The Truth

Sirius had thought he'd be whole again, after this.

He'd thought that all he needed was -

(Reg, sleeping in the other bed, back in place, back where he belonged)

But everything still lay in shards all around them.

And Sirius, lying in his bed now, was desperately staring at the ceiling, the aftershock of the night still tingling in his bones as he listened to his brother's even breathing, not being able to go back to that normalcy that had existed only - what was it, twelve hours prior? Before he'd opened the door to their room and found his little brother gone?

A layer of carelessness had been stripped off, left their little family bare, like a body mercilessly skinned, a lump of raw, bloody flesh. Though the world looked the same, it felt painful now - Sirius had realized how fragile it was, and that made all the difference.

The even rhythm of Regulus' breathing, so easily disturbed.

Having a family and friends was only a fleeting moment that he'd thought eternal.

Having a home. Health. Happiness. Hope. Things so evanescent, in full bloom one day and wilting on the next.

Their little operation could have gone terribly wrong. Sirius didn't even dare to think of all the possible outcomes - the blood in his brother's hair had been enough to make Sirius feel sick to his stomach. Shivers were running down his spine at the thought of how naive they had approached this ( _Sneak in, get the boy out, easy peasy_ ). So much responsibility on their shoulders, and the realization of it was crushing Sirius now. A single distraction and one wrong step might have cost his brother's life. Not only in theory, but in reality.

But he knew, even if they hadn't made it, the world would've kept turning. The sun would have risen and fallen, relentlessly, like it didn't care.

It had been a close call, shockingly close. Too close.

And Sirius, still paralyzed, wondering why they were still alive.

Was he supposed to be thankful? Thankful that there had only been a bump on Reg's head and not a hole in his scalp? Thankful that his little brother had only been tortured, not killed?

Nothing was fine. They hadn't been lucky, not really. James and him, yes. Not Reg.

And still, the world kept turning. Sirius almost dreaded sunrise. In two or three hours, the night would be over, gone, in the past. The focus would shift onto new things, new realities, a perfectly normal day for most people, and for Sirius it was going to be the first day of walking with that thought throbbing in his head like a constant headache - an insecurity that concerned the most fundamental parts of his existence, that everything he loved could be taken from him without any further warning.

It was like knowing that his heart could fail him at any moment. How could he still put his trust in anything?

This responsibility for his brother, too heavy, it had brought him to his knees just like that.

Responsibility.

The state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone. The state or fact of being

accountable

or to blame

for something.

He'd happily played with words he didn't fully understand, that had a depth he hadn't been able to fathom. He'd been prepared for things to go right, not for everything to go downhill. They had sent a rock rolling, too fast and too heavy for Sirius to catch, no way prevent the inevitable collision with the ground. He'd watched it fly over the edge and - CRASH, broken to pieces, dust rising -

He could deal with the heartbreak of having to put his little brother over his knee, hearing him cry and beg, if that prevented any serious harm. But not with this. He couldn't deal with this, the worst case - blood on Reg's face, bruises flowering on his skin, evidence of so much pain endured, more than any human being ever should.

Sirius wished it was his.

Yet it was irreversible.

And Sirius, he was still standing on the edge of a gaping abyss, saw it every time he closed his eyes. He turned to his side, looked at his brother's sleeping figure. What if Reg didn't recover? What would Reg say if he realized that all of this had been Sirius' fault? (And the blame, it would be too much, coming from Reg).

 _What if there are monsters in the darkness? - Then I_ _'ll protect you._

It was hubris, if anything.

 _It_ _'s all going to be fine, Reggie._

And a lie that even he himself didn't believe in anymore.

* * *

Morning came and went, and Sirius still hadn't closed a single eye. Regulus had stirred once or twice, but hadn't woken up. Sirius shut the blinds when the sunlight became too bright in the room. He skipped breakfast. A tray with pancakes appeared not much later on his desk. He smelled the scent but then forgot about it, and the pancakes became cold. Instead he sat on his bed, watching his brother. Didn't dare to touch him anymore, so he wouldn't disturb him.

(And the thought of Reg, waking up and looking at him with pain in his eyes, how should he take this?)

So he let him sleep as long as possible. He barely moved himself; instead sat with his back against the wall, studying his brother so long until the boy's shape was basically engraved in Sirius' retina - Reg's pale face, the dark circles under his eyes, the dry, broken skin on his lips, he saw it even when he wasn't looking at him.

It was lunchtime when Mr. Potter opened the door. He motioned for Sirius to come downstairs, it was time to eat. Sirius shook his head. _Not hungry._

Mr. Potter looked at Regulus. "How is he doing?" he asked in a whisper.

Sirius didn't have enough energy to even shrug.

Mr. Potter stepped in, sat down next to Sirius. Looked at him, through the darkness of the room. "How are you doing?"

Sirius closed his eyes, grimaced.

"Did you sleep at all?"

Sirius shook his head. "Not yet."

Mr. Potter patted the younger man's knee. "You don't look good, son. See, Regulus is resting, so maybe you should try and do the same."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

Mr. Potter was silent for a bit. Sirius drew his knees to his chest, kept his eyes on his little brother.

"Is it alright if I keep you some company?" Mr. Potter asked quietly.

"Sure." Of all the people he called friends and family, Sirius never got tired of Mr. Potter's company. There were people who wore him out, like Mrs. Potter and her need to tackle a problem straightaway, Peter's brainless comments, Regulus when he had one of his mood swings, and sometimes even James, when he was being really inconsiderate. But never Mr. Potter.

"We still have Christmas biscuits," Mr. Potter mused. "A bite or two won't do any harm, don't you think?"

Before Sirius could respond, a plate appeared between them, filled with all sorts of biscuits, mostly leftovers from Christmas. Sirius' mouth quirked upwards as he took a handful and began eating. They were delicious, and stuffed a hole in his empty stomach he hadn't fully realized was there.

"There are some things that are beyond our control," Mr. Potter said in a low voice. He picked up a gingerbread man, turned it over, admired the decorative icing. "As parents, we have to believe that what we decide is right, even when sometimes, it turns out that it was the wrong decision. We're only human, Sirius."

"I didn't see _this_ coming," Sirius admitted. "I was so blind. You never made mistakes like this."

Mr. Potter sighed. "Yes, I did."

"Not like this, no. We didn't end up hurt like Reg did."

Mr. Potter smiled sadly. "I made more mistakes than you can imagine. It's only because you were our second child that our parenting seemed more… smooth. We did a whole lot of things wrong when James was younger."

"Like what?"

Mr. Potter chuckled. "Do you want me to make a list? This might take a while."

Sirius kept looking at him, questioningly. His mouth was filled with biscuits, and Mr. Potter smiled at the sight of his puffy cheeks.

The man leaned forwards, rested his elbows on his knees. "One thing that comes to my mind is that I forgot James at the shopping center. Twice, actually. The second time, James was about five then, Euphemia almost killed me when I came home and she asked me where our son was. And I stood there, grocery bags in both hands, looking like she had just dumped a bucket of ice water over my head."

Sirius looked back at his brother. He swallowed heavily. "This doesn't compare."

"It does," Mr. Potter said. "I was lucky that a cashier caught James at the exit and brought him to the staff room, where I collected him later. I was almost in tears, I thought I'd lost him. Things could've easily taken a much worse turn." He cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say is, we all fail. We're human, so we fail. We fail and then we try again."

"If you fail once, maybe. All I do is fail. I'm just - a failure as a guardian. And as a brother."

"Sirius…"

"Just don't deny it." Sirius felt anger crawl beneath his skin, suddenly. "You don't have to spare my feelings."

Mr. Potter straightened up, fixated Sirius' eyes. "I'm not. So you feel guilty? For what exactly?"

"Isn't that obvious?" Sirius raised his voice, made an erratic hand movement in Regulus' direction. "This - this is my fault. All of it."

"No need for an attitude, son."

Sirius huffed. He didn't know why he was being like this. The man only meant well. But he didn't want to hear this at the moment - Mr. Potter making excuses for him, he didn't deserve that.

"So, you're saying anything that happens to Regulus is your fault, am I understanding you correctly?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell him to leave the house unprotected, to visit his friend without telling anyone?"

"Of course not!"

"Did you tell him to hide things from you, to go behind your back?"

"No!"

"Then how is this your fault? You can't read minds, or can you?"

"No -" Sirius gritted his teeth. "But I should have known. That's how it's my fault."

"And not knowing everything makes you a bad parent?"

Sirius wished Mr. Potter would stop talking. "In this case, yes."

Mr. Potter raised his eyebrows high. "Then I've never met a single person who fits your criteria of a good parent. Especially not one who parents a teenager."

Sirius glared at him.

"How many things are there that I don't know about you and James? How much of it is potentially dangerous?"

Mr. Potter was looking at Sirius in a way that made Sirius fear that he could start reading his thoughts. The young man averted his eyes.

"That's different." He scratched his arm absentmindedly.

"How?"

Sirius didn't have an answer to that.

A hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing. Sirius looked up, met his dad's gaze. The man took the half-eaten plate with biscuits and put them on top of a pile of books on the night stand. "You should get some sleep. Just allow your mind to rest for a while. I can watch him in the meantime, if you want."

Sirius took a shuddering breath. He wanted to resist, wanted to stay awake for Reg, but there was already a yawn building in his chest at the thought of sleep. A calmness spreading, suddenly, at the thought of his dad staying, watching over the both of them. "Fine." He slid down, away from the wall and into a lying position. He turned to his side, cast one last glance at his little brother who was sleeping only a little more than an arm's length away. "Please tell me when he wakes up."

"I will." A soft smile played around Mr. Potter's lips.

* * *

A searing headache pulled Regulus out of the depths of sleep. Layer after layer, the calm and empty place he'd been in faded away. Thoughts returned, slowly at first, and then faster, and finally LOUD. So loud that Regulus wanted to cover his ears. That was when he realized that he couldn't. He was lying in his bed; mattress, pillow, blanket - all familiar. A sense of relief flared up, but only for a moment.

Then the headache again, and along with it memories pushed their way to the surface.

A soft whimper escaped his lips. He had a feeling that he didn't want to know, didn't want to remember. But that wasn't an option.

His fingers tightened around the blanket as memories flashed past his inner eye, memories tinted in pain and fear. Fire and a scream in his throat, building up. _No -_

He turned around, onto his back. The veil of sleep was thin now, the real world shining like the sun above the water's surface, when you, underwater with a few seconds of air trapped in your lungs, look up, see the air bubbles reflecting the sunlight, glittering like hundreds of glass beads. Once at that point, transience pulls at your chest; the choice is death or that harsh sunlight reality. An invisible force dragged Regulus towards that other world, sleep evaporating like the air in a diver's lung and Regulus broke through the surface.

He opened his eyes, blinked. The room was dimly lit, and he felt disorientated. Didn't know the time or the day. Only the place was familiar, his bed, in the room he shared with Sirius at the Potters'. Blurry vision at first, then, slowly, his eyes began to focus.

"Reggie?" Sirius' voice. "Can you hear me?"

His big brother sat on the edge of the bed.

Memories, of Sirius finding him. Confusion. How had they gotten here? Fear, suddenly, in his chest, sending waves of panic through his body. Bellatrix, she had been in the room. He couldn't respond.

"It's alright," Sirius mumbled. "You're home." He put a hand on Regulus' forehead to check his temperature. "A bit warm," he noted. "Can you talk, Reggie?"

 _Please just talk to me again._ Tears built up in Regulus' eyes. He wanted to talk, but his voice got caught in a tight lump of tears that clogged his throat. He nodded quickly.

"That's good," Sirius said, not commenting on the fact that Regulus hadn't actually tried. He was talking slowly, pronouncing every syllable clearly as one does with a child. "Tell me, are you hurting?"

Through a blur of tears, Regulus shook his head. The headache hammering between his temples wasn't worth mentioning, it was nothing, nothing compared to the memories.

Sirius unscrewed a vial. "This is to relieve any lingering pain," he explained. "Take it? Please?"

Regulus didn't protest. When he tried to sit up, he realized that his entire body was aching horribly. Sirius put a hand on his back to steady him. Regulus winced at the contact. Rodolphus had dragged him up the stairs and his back felt like it was covered in bruises.

"I'm sorry, sorry" Sirius said quickly, shifting his hand to the boy's shoulder. "Is this okay? Is this better?" He looked incredibly nervous, like he was afraid to accidentally break Regulus in two with a simple touch.

He handed Regulus the vial, and Regulus swallowed the pain-relieving potion quickly, grimaced at the taste of mud and rotten leaves.

Sirius took it back when it was empty, put it on the night stand. Regulus wiped the back of his hands across his eyes, hoping against hope that Sirius hadn't seen his tears. He felt absolutely pathetic, despite the fact that the magic began to work and any pain slowly disappeared.

"This won't make you too sleepy, I hope," Sirius said. "You gotta eat too, at least a little bit." He looked down, black hair falling into his face. He took a deep breath. When he looked up again, his eyes were full of pain unspoken.

Regulus wanted to say something, he really did. He wanted to apologize, but how did you apologize for something like this?

"You probably want to eat in bed, don't you? Are you hungry?" More insignificant talk about nothing. Regulus couldn't care less about food right now, even though his stomach grumbled at the mention of it.

"What do you wanna have?" Sirius, coaxing for words, words Regulus couldn't conjure up. He couldn't think of anything.

His lips trembled. He met his brother's eyes, grey eyes full of concern, anxious to receive only a single syllable out of his mouth.

"Sirius," he whispered, his voice still not working.

Relief flashing across Sirius' features. "Yes?" Waiting for more.

Regulus couldn't look away from his brother's face. He got dizzy, suddenly, at the thought of what Sirius might be thinking of him. All the things he'd done - he couldn't bring himself to say sorry. Sorry didn't cut it, not in the least. Silent tears running down his cheeks now, he tried to catch them with his hands before they fell.

Sirius shifted, turned his upper body a little more into Regulus' direction. "Reggie?" His voice soft and gentle, like velvet, like a bedtime story, like _I love you._ "May I give you a hug?"

Regulus sniffed. He wanted to say yes, and then his body reacted before his mind could, and he leaned forward and sank against Sirius' chest. And Sirius' arms, folded around him, fingers as gentle as feathers ghosting along his back. A sob built up in Regulus' body, and Sirius' arms tightened and he placed his right hand on the back of Regulus' head, buried his fingers in his hair, desperately holding onto him all of a sudden.

"You scared me, little one," Sirius whispered. His jaw was rough against Regulus' forehead, a hint of a dark stubble scarcely perceptible in the darkness of the room but very much so when in direct contact with skin.

"I didn't mean to," Regulus murmured into his brother's shoulder, wanting to say more but not finding the words. _Didn_ _'t mean to scare you. Didn't mean to betray you. Didn't mean to hurt you._

A kiss on his forehead. Then, arms tightening around him even more.

"I'm sorry too," Sirius responded, trying hard to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm so goddamn _sorry_." His fingers in Regulus' hair, curling.

 _For what?_ Regulus wasn't sure what Sirius had to apologize for, especially now. He turned his head so he could look at his brother's face.

Sirius saw the question in Regulus' eyes. "There's so much I want to say," he confessed. "But I can't speak right now. I just want to hold you for a bit, is that okay?"

Regulus nodded, snuggled back into his brother's shoulder. He understood. There was so much he had to tell Sirius, and it was likely that, after Sirius found out what he'd done in the last months, he wouldn't get another hug so quickly. Sirius would kill him, if he was lucky. If he was unlucky, Sirius would decide that he couldn't handle him any longer.

With that thought in mind, it was difficult to let go of Sirius after a mere minute of hugging.

Sirius said "I want you to try and eat a few bites," while pulling away, leaving Regulus cold and incomplete. The boy nodded, his heart incredibly heavy. And then having dinner, sitting up in his bed, the porridge weighing him down, his anxiety grew with every spoonful.

Sirius sat next to him, silently watching him, forcing a smile every time Regulus looked at him. Sirius had gotten himself a coffee (despite it being already 8pm), and took a small sip now and then, though holding onto the cup more than anything else.

Madam Pomfrey visited directly after Regulus had finished eating, and kept asking him all kinds of weird questions.

"Wriggle your toes. Touch the tip of your nose. Can you remember everything, or do you have blackouts? Do you feel tired? Dizzy? Where does the headache begin, does it throb or sting?"

Sirius told her about the bruises, and Regulus had to remove his shirt. Madam Pomfrey went on rubbing his back with a green slime - she called it salve, but to Regulus, it looked like slime. Knowing enough about potions and their ingredients, he decided it was safer not to ask what it was as he didn't really want to know the answer. It felt cold at first but it dried quickly, left a tingling sensation on his skin.

Several diagnostic spells followed, during which she told Regulus to lie still and not to move. It wasn't difficult, and he waited until she was done waving her wand over him, staring at the ceiling, not wanting to meet Sirius' eyes and see the pained expression in there.

She explained to him what the Cruciatus Curse had done to his body. "Most of the pain you may still experience is going to fade," she said. "But the memories, they are special. Treat them carefully, don't overexert yourself. Many patients experience physical pain when trying to remember how they felt under the spell, and you want to heal, so don't tear your wounds open. Dreamless Sleep is important too. You need to rest, or you won't make a full recovery. How well you heal often depends on the first few days."

As far as Regulus understood her, the Cruciatus left scars. Not physical ones, but mental and magical ones. His magical core was scarred, she'd said, so he had to take it easy at first, stay away from difficult spells that drained his energy. The scars would heal with time, she said. But as he didn't want them to become tight and overgrown, he had to treat them carefully, be considerate.

"He's not gonna be doing magic anyway anytime soon," Sirius said.

Regulus was puzzled by that statement, but decided not to ask Sirius why.

"That's good to hear." She looked Regulus' back over one last time, nodded approvingly. His skin had fully absorbed the salve. His back didn't hurt anymore, and the tingling sensation from the salve was gone. "You can put your shirt back on, Regulus."

The boy obeyed wordlessly.

When she left, Sirius followed her outside and Regulus could hear their voices, too low for him to understand, but they were talking about him. Then the sound of the floo going in the Potters' office.

There was a plate of biscuits on the nightstand, Regulus noticed that just now. He picked a donut-shaped biscuit with a chocolate coating and marzipan filling, nibbled at the top while keeping his eyes on the door.

When Sirius reappeared, he was awkwardly carrying two apples, two more potions and a cup of water. "Dreamless Sleep, a Calming Draught, and some water to wash the taste away," he explained as he put them down on Regulus' bed. "And something healthy." He added, throwing an apple to Regulus.

The boy caught it with both hands. "I'm not tired."

"You heard Madam Pomfrey. You need to rest."

Regulus screwed up his nose. He'd just woken up and now that the pain reliever worked he felt perfectly fine. "I can rest without sleeping."

Sirius knitted his brows. He didn't say anything, though, simply unscrewed the Dreamless Sleep and held it out for Regulus to take.

"I'm fine, I don't need to be drugged up."

"Drugged up," Sirius repeated, his voice dropping an octave. "Is that really what you think I'm trying to do?"

Regulus looked away. What was it with him that he always felt the need to defend himself against Sirius, even now? "Fine, I'll take it," he mumbled reluctantly.

"No," Sirius said. He screwed the lid back on and set the vial on the night stand. "You know what, I don't want you to take it if you think that's what I'm after. _Drugging_ you. I just didn't want you to suffer from nightmares, that's all. But you do you. Take it when you feel like it." He sat against the headboard of his bed, crossed his arms, his expression tightening to a frown.

Regulus chewed on his lip. He couldn't blame Sirius for reacting like this. Somewhere along the road, he'd picked up this defensive tone when it came to Sirius; a reflex to automatically defy his brother no matter what he said. He was just about to open his mouth and apologize when Sirius spoke up once more.

"I can't go on like this." His voice sounded hollow.

"W-what?"

Sirius pulled his hair back into a ponytail, held it for a second, let it fall back around his face. He sighed. "Nothing. Forget it."

Regulus wanted to say something, but Sirius' expression had already smoothed again. It was too late. Sirius reached for the other apple, started eating without another word.

Silence, Sirius crunching the apple the only sound tearing at it. He spat the seeds out at first, then reconsidered as he didn't know where to put them and seemed too lazy to get up. So he ate the apple whole, with core and everything attached. Regulus watched this for a while.

"Sirius?"

"M-hm?" Crunch. Crunch. Apple eaten. Without getting up, Sirius opened the window above his bed a tiny crack and chucked the stalk outside.

Regulus took a deep breath, collecting as much courage as possible. "Are you… going to… punish me?"

Silence again. Sirius began tapping his foot against the wooden board at the end of his bed. Tap, tap, tap.

Regulus shifted uncomfortably. "Did you hear me?"

"Yeah."

Tap, tap, tap.

The sound of the traffic outside was louder, suddenly. The wind too, cutting closer around the house. And then the steady rhythm of tap, tap, tap.

"So?" Regulus pressed the topic.

The tapping stopped. "Punish you for what exactly?"

Goosebumps on Regulus' skin. "Yesterday." _For almost getting all of us killed. Again._

"No."

Regulus stared at his brother in complete shock, jaw dropping. Here he was, having gotten into the biggest trouble imaginable, and Sirius shrugged it off just like that. Something wasn't right. Sirius wasn't even looking at him, his voice smooth as though they were talking about the weather.

"Why not?"

Sirius reached out, and, without any further warning, switched off the light. With the blinds closed, the room turned pitch black. "Just try to get some rest, Reggie. And don't forget to take the potions before you go to sleep."

* * *

The coming days were quiet and viscous, dragging like honey but lacking the sweetness.

School would start on Monday. They were going to miss a few days at least, maybe more. Regulus had asked about it, tentatively, but Sirius hadn't come to a decision yet. To go or not to go - no matter which option he chose, it was going to be different.

He tried not to let Reg see it too much - the worry that had completely infected his mind and body, even his sleep. The second night after the incident, Sirius had woken up to find Regulus' bed empty. He'd jumped up - almost gotten tangled up in the covers too - and stumbled out of the room, heart beating up to his throat, the nightmare he'd had still pulsating in front of his eyes. _Reg gone, hurt, have to find him -_

Then there was the sound of the toilet flushing and the bathroom door opened, sent bright light washing into the dark corridor, and revealed his little brother. The boy dragged himself back in the direction of their room, hair tousled, still half asleep.

Sirius wanted to smack him all the way back to his bed for scaring him like that but didn't, of course.

Alastor Moody invited them to his office the morning after that. James, Regulus, and Sirius sat like hens in front of the man's desk, reporting everything they remembered. Moody asked them the strangest details, wanted to know everything, from the exact words spoken to the decor of the house. What did the Lestranges keep in the basement? Whose portraits hung on the walls? He found Regulus' description of the Lestranges' parlour particularly interesting. A magical quill scribbled every single word they said down, it was unofficial, Moody assured them, but they needed any information they could get about Voldemort and his followers, no matter how insignificant it seemed, it could be helpful one day.

Sirius decided it was enough when he could hear tears in his brother's voice.

"Regulus has to rest," he said, and was surprised that Regulus actually looked thankful. Under the table, Sirius took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

On the way outside they ran into Prewett. The man extended his hand, a shiny card between his fingers and a grin on his face. Sirius took it. The card showed nothing but a unicorn with sunglasses. "Well done, Gentlemen. I salute you." The red-head raised an invisible hat to them.

"We don't have business cards, Prewett," Moody grunted from behind his desk.

Prewett made a face. "But we should!" He winked at the boys. "Should you ever consider a career in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, you know where to find us."

Back home, Regulus went straight to his room, and Sirius followed after him. He was prepared to console his brother, but Regulus just sat on his bed for a while, legs crossed, quietly staring at his hands. Then the boy crawled under the covers and closed his eyes. He didn't open them again until a few hours later.

Sirius wished he had any words to make it better.

—

"Can I go outside, Sirius?"

Sirius looked up. Regulus' voice had been so low that, for a moment, he thought he'd imagined it. "Outside?"

"I just need some fresh air, gotta see something other than our room and this house. Only for a bit. May I? Please?"

Sirius hesitated. His brother, outside, alone. A nightmare still too fresh. "I'm not comfortable with you going out alone right now," he confessed, despite understanding the kid well - after four days mostly spent in this room, everyone would get claustrophobic. There was nothing to do, all books were read, and not having gotten a new wand yet, Regulus couldn't practice magic either (Sirius wouldn't mind, despite the legal prohibition). And, unfortunately, Regulus wasn't all too interested in making conversation with the Potters, so he didn't go downstairs much either. Instead, he slept a lot, which was good for his body, but the rest of the time he spent staring at the walls, which was bad for his mind.

Regulus' face fell at Sirius' response. Like a snail retracting its feelers, he was about to retreat back into his shell of silence.

"I could go with you," Sirius suggested timidly, inwardly preparing himself for the rejection that would almost certainly follow.

Much to his surprise, a small smile crept across Regulus' face. "Do you want to, too?"

Sirius almost laughed. What question. Like he'd miss such an easy opportunity to see his brother happy! "Always!"

So they grabbed their coats and winter boots, scarves, and gloves, and headed outside. It was still bone-chilling cold, but it hadn't snowed since the night Regulus had disappeared. The sky was crystal blue, and the snow frozen, the crispy top layer cracking under their feet.

"Can you show me the playground you told me about?" They had been ambling along somewhat aimlessly for a few minutes, enjoying the winter sun softly tickling their faces and the fresh air in their lungs, when Regulus once more broke the silence with his question.

"Sure."

When they'd been young, their parents had never taken them to a playground. It was Sirius who started taking Reg to the muggle playground not far from their house in London when he'd been around seven years old and Reg maybe four. It had been their secret, an adventure they shared, and hiding it from their parents only made it more exciting. More dangerous too, especially for Sirius who would take the blame in case they were caught, but it was an early act of rebellion as well, to have a taste of that sunshine, fun, and laughter other children took for granted.

Sirius had quickly realized that he had to be a little sneaky. "Aren't your parents around?" was a question he had been asked quite often. He usually pointed in a vague direction and said what they wanted to hear: "My parents are right over there." It was a lie that went easily over his lips whenever a concerned mother or father approached them. Sirius couldn't comprehend why they would need _parents_ to keep them safe, that was _his job_ where Regulus was concerned. And to see Reg's eyes shine, his hands and clothes sandy from digging in the sandbox, proudly presenting a crumbly sandcastle, was the best thing in the world. To show him things ("Look, a squirrel!"), to stand on the ground, ready to catch his brother as they boy attempted to reach the top of the small climbing wall or to run next to the merry go round, Regulus squealing in joy as the speed went faster and faster, was a short interlude of carelessness, of childhood, before they would have to go home (Reg crying as soon as Sirius announced it was time to go, and Sirius calming him with "We'll come back, Reggie. Tomorrow…").

And they had wiped the smiles off their faces so their parents wouldn't get suspicious.

 _Tomorrow, Reggie._ An empty promise more often than not.

They arrived on the town's outskirts. The playground looked like a winter wonderland in the gleaming sunlight. Ice crystals were shining like small diamonds in the trees and shrubs. Icicles hung from the swings' scaffolding, like vitreous daggers glittering in the sun, some of them almost a foot long. Sirius knocked a few of them off so they wouldn't fall on their heads, then they picked a swing each. They were alone, and Sirius could still make out his and James' footprints in the snow from that evening four nights ago.

"I wish we'd come here earlier," Regulus mumbled.

"Why?"

"Dunno. I just have the feeling that -" he stopped. Swallowed heavily.

"What feeling?" Sirius asked after a few moments of listening to the rhythmic whoosh of the swings going back and forth.

"Maybe then things would've turned out differently."

Sirius thought about that. He wished Regulus had went here, _that_ night, instead of going to Barty's. Maybe he would have, if Sirius had showed him this place earlier. Rebellion, but in measures. Sirius would have found him here like he'd envisioned, a scowl on his little brother's face maybe while he was hugging his arms around his middle to fight off the cold, but he'd be unharmed. It would've taken a giant weight off Sirius' chest. He would've pulled the boy into a bone-crushing hug, and then probably given him a handful of hard slaps to his bum. He would've taken him home, given him dinner, tucked him into bed, would have apologized, and made everything better.

"You think so?"Bitterness crept up on Sirius. He willed it away.

Regulus shrugged. He swung higher and the joints' creaking rose in volume. "Maybe."

Sirius had wondered about that a lot during the last days, had wondered about what he could have done, where he should have gone left when he chose to go right. Would they be sitting here then, having this conversation? But then again, maybe everything would have turned out the same. Maybe he'd had no real control over the situation, no matter how much he had wished so. Were they bound to end up where they were now? How much of what happened to them was predestined, depended on their stars? What influence did their decisions really have on the outcome of their story?

"Reggie?"

"Yep?" Regulus swung high now, then let go of the chains and jumped off. He landed, stumbled a few steps forwards then turned around and threw his arms in the air, a bright smile on his face. "See how far I got!" A childlike joy in his voice.

Sirius kept his feet on the ground, reeled the chains of his swing. "Can we talk?"

Regulus' smile faded a bit. "About what?"

"About us?" He hoped this wouldn't kill Regulus' good mood, but at home, Regulus always seemed so fragile and depressed that Sirius never even dared to approach the topic.

"Okay." Regulus settled back on his swing. Waited, cheeks rosy from the cold, but his eyes shining for the first time in days.

"Please don't misunderstand this," Sirius began. "I'm not mad, not at all. I'm just… I have to know what happened."

"When I left? But I already told you everything, when we were at the Aurors' headquarters. I wasn't lying, I promise."

"No," Sirius responded. "Before that. What made you leave? How did it get this far?"

Regulus turned away, looked straight forward. His fingers tightened around the chains. "I wanted to visit Barty." His tone was more reserved now.

"Why?"

"He wrote me. And as you didn't allow me to visit him on New Year's Eve, I thought there was no point in asking you cause you'd say no anyway. Especially after… you know."

"I punished you?"

"Call it whatever you want." Regulus dug the tip of his right shoe into the snow.

"I'm sorry about that," Sirius said in a low voice. "You were right with what you said, about me." _You were just like him._

A short silence, the absence of words saying so much suddenly.

"You hurt me," Regulus said eventually, his voice breathy.

Sirius knew. He could hear it in his brother's voice, even though it had been almost a week since it happened. He'd hurt Reg, not physically but emotionally, and that hurt was still there. "I know. I treated you horribly. I'm so incredibly sorry for what I did. I acted out of fear, which was the worst thing I could've done in that situation." He ran a hand down his face. "I know you said you don't want to hear it, but it's important, Reg: I'll never treat you like that again. Not ever. I'll take the time to calm down from now on. I promise."

Regulus looked at him, uncertainty in his gaze. He didn't say anything, though.

"What else do I do that scares you? Scares you like… Father did?"

"When you yell at me," Regulus said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sirius tried to recall all the times he'd yelled at his brother. And he realized, he yelled quite quickly. It had started at the cottage, after their visit at Diagon Alley, and had continued at Hogwarts. Arguing with Reg and finally yelling, yelling about the necklace, yelling at him after the incident with Moony and the Whomping Willow, yelling after he'd found the book in Reg's trunk.

"Do _I_ scare you?" Sirius had to force himself to say the words, dreading the answer. "Are you often afraid of me?"

Regulus kept looking at him, his grey eyes bearing into Sirius' like he was searching for something, anything. Then he looked away, stared at his feet. "What you might do," he said. "That scares me. And that you will hate me."

"H-hate you?" Sirius repeated incredulously. "I could never hate you, Reg. That's - that's impossible."

Then he realized how Regulus had worded it - he hadn't talked about possibilities. He'd said _will_. _Will hate me._ "Wait. What do you mean, saying that I _will_ hate you?"

No response.

"Regulus. I want an answer, now." He knew he sounded stern, had switched back to his commanding tone, ordering Reg to do things - but he couldn't let that statement be, the mere idea of Regulus thinking that Sirius was going to hate him was completely absurd.

"Or what?" An angry flash of grey eyes.

"Or nothing." Sirius forced his voice to smoothen out. He was an idiot. Ordering Regulus to do something almost always resulted in the opposite. Patience, that was what he needed.

A huff. "Yeah, right. Like I don't know a threat when I hear one. I know you better than that!"

"It's not a threat, Reggie. I just can't bear the thought of you walking around fearing that I'd hate you, because I could never. No matter what."

"Yeah, you say that _now_."

Sirius was baffled. "What… why? What's going on? I don't understand!"

Pain, flashing across Regulus' face. Raw, unadulterated pain, that looked like the regret Sirius felt constricting his own throat, day after day. The boy lowered his head, his hair falling into his eyes. He was swinging slowly now, feet brushing the frozen white without breaking it.

"I can never tell you."

So there was something Regulus was hiding from him, something bad. Sirius' insides clenched as his mind instantly conjured up all sorts of horror scenarios. What could be so bad that Reg thought he'd hate him? He couldn't think of anything though.

"Are you afraid I'll spank you? Is that why you're not telling me? I know I messed up the last time -"

"No," Regulus hissed. "And now stop asking, okay? I've had enough of this _conversation_." He stomped off in the direction of the street.

Sirius' jaw set. He'd picked up a scent here, and he was going to trail it, no matter what. He hurried to untangle the chains of his swing, then ran after his brother. "Wait!"

Regulus didn't wait. Instead, he began running too. Sirius chased after him, caught up with him when the snow under their feet changed to asphalt. Breathing hard from this quick sprint, he grabbed the boy's arm and spun him around to face him.

"Are you out of your mind?! How could you ever think that I'd hate you! You can't just say that to my face like it means nothing and then leave!"

Regulus struggled against him, tried to shove him away. Sirius slipped and fell backwards into a heap of dirty snow, taking his brother with him. Regulus landed on him, and Sirius quickly turned over and grabbed the boy's wrists, pinning him to the ground. "Stop fighting! You must be bloody mental if you think I'd allow you to believe such a nonsense! Now tell me what's going on!"

"I CAN'T," Regulus yelled at the top of his lungs. "I CAN'T, OKAY? I just can't." He was crying all of a sudden.

Sirius pulled him up and into his arms. Regulus wasn't fighting anymore, he was shaking hard. Sirius just held him. They were sitting in the snow, and Sirius' butt grew cold. He wished he had his wand so he could cast a warming spell on them both.

"Alright, love. It's alright. Breathe," he murmured, rubbing Regulus' back.

"I just g-got what I d-deserved," Regulus sobbed.

Was Regulus talking about the Cruciatus? Sirius shuddered at the thought. No, that couldn't be. He must be referring to the spanking he'd gotten for the book. "Listen," he said, "there's nothing, _nothing,_ you could have possibly done to deserve anything like that."

Regulus shook his head.

"I get why you don't trust me, Reggie. I've been an awful guardian so far. But I'm your brother too. What if - what if we forget about that guardianship stuff for a while, and you just tell me everything, as a brother? And I'll listen, as your big brother. And then we'll figure everything out together. How does that sound?"

Regulus wiped a hand across his eyes. "Trust me you don't want to know…"

"I do want to know," Sirius responded. "I'm here to listen. I'm simply gonna listen. I'm not gonna yell or get mad. I'm not gonna judge you. I promise. I just want you to tell me, that's all. I know you want to as well."

"You won't ever look at me in the same way again. It's too bad, Siri."

"Nothing can be too bad. You're still my brother, that's more important to me than anything else."

"I … I did so many evil things… I hurt people…"

"Lets put an end to it then. All that secret-keeping, it can all be over after today. It's gonna be a relief not having to hide things anymore, not having to lie anymore, I promise. And after this, we'll be honest with each other. We can rebuild it all, we can be better from now on. Both of us. But we have to tear those walls down first that prevent us from being brothers."

"You're gonna be honest with me too?"

Sirius swallowed hard. He was still the adult, he couldn't tell his kid everything. But he could tell him _more._ "Yes. You're my brother too, right? I want to share things with you too. My dreams. My hopes. My fears. That's what we're supposed to be - confidants. Who can I trust, if not you? I want to tell you so much, and I don't wanna play that role anymore - pretending to be freaking all-knowing, because I'm not. It wears me down. There's been this silence between us, in the last months. It's destroying our family."

"I know."

"And if we don't stop it, this silence, this _distrust_ between us, Reg, it's going to tear us apart, and I don't want that. Why this constant pretending, why the lying? It's not doing us any good."

Sirius got up from the ground, extended his hand to his brother. Regulus took it, and Sirius pulled him to his feet. "Allow me to be there for you. Just allow me this. You can tell me everything now, and I'll listen. And then we'll try and make things better in the future. Please."

"Like, a new start?"

Sirius smiled. "Yes. We'll clean the slate and start anew."

Regulus wiped a hand over his cheeks. He nodded.

"Come." Sirius led the boy back to the playground, and climbed into a wooden playhouse that stood on stilts, a few feet over the ground, bright rusty rungs leading up to it and a slide going down on the other side, its blue color faded out by the seasons. Regulus followed him, though slower than a slug stuck in glue. He was chewing on his bottom lip again, disturbing the day-old teethmarks that had been just about to heal.

They were above the ground now, secluded in a semi-public place where snow didn't break under their feet. There would be no traces of what transgressed in here, only their coming and going recorded in the frozen white but not what lay in between - that was only theirs, too private to share with the snow.

The ceiling was low and Sirius had to be careful not to hit his head. He sat down on the floor, motioned for his brother to sit next to him. Regulus didn't come too close, he stood leaning against the opposite wall, the ceiling only so much as brushing against his hair.

Sirius extended his arms. "Trust me, Reggie? Come here."

The boy sat down next to him, kept his face down. Sirius put an arm around his shoulders, kept his voice as gentle as possible. "Why don't you start at the very beginning?"

Regulus hid his face in his hands. A few deep breaths. "I was one of _them_ ," he confessed eventually, his voice a whisper. "Before Father died, and you… took me in."

Regulus was trembling, whether from fear or the cold Sirius didn't know. He drew him closer.

"When they attacked Hogsmeade… I was there too. I was with them."

"It's okay, love. I know that already."

Regulus glanced at him. "You do?"

"I saw you, remember? Outside the Hog's Head."

The boy shuddered. "I didn't stop after the holidays."

When he didn't continue, Sirius dared a soft "Why not?"

"Bellatrix. You know I met her at Diagon Alley, and she threatened me. So I went -" Regulus swallowed heavily. "I lied to you and I went to a Death Eater meeting a few days later. I saw _him_ there, the Dark Lord. And all the others. It was horrible. But I had to go, or she would've killed us. I told her -" his voice broke, and Sirius rubbed his back, even though the older of the brothers felt like he'd just gotten punched in the guts. The thought of his little brother in one room with Voldemort was almost physically painful. The fear Reg must've went through, unimaginable for Sirius, and the fact that he'd chosen to do so alone even more so.

Regulus continued after a deep breath. "I told her I'd spy on you, so she'd let me stay with you. And I did."

Sirius closed his eyes, kept rubbing his brother's back. He felt nauseous. There it was, the crossroad - that day they'd spent at Diagon Alley. He'd known his brother was lying. He should've pressed for the truth more, and not have stopped after Regulus told him only a part of it. If he'd only trusted his instincts, that might have changed everything.

"I'm so sorry," Regulus forced out. There were tears in his voice now, and he desperately tried to hold them back. Sniffed, wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "I should never have gone there. I should've told you the truth. But I couldn't, after that. Not anymore."

 _Yes, you should_ _'ve told me. If you'd only told me, Reggie…_ But there were no reproaches worming their way into his words. "You're doing the right thing now," Sirius said. "You were scared. It's not your fault."

"Yes it was. I thought I could handle everything alone. I was so mad at you when you took my letters. Or when you gave me that necklace. I thought I was protecting us, and I didn't want you to make it all more difficult for me to hide from you."

"That doesn't make it your fault. It was an error in judgment, but you're not to blame."

"I'm a traitor," Regulus spat.

 _Responsibility. Response-ability._ Regulus hadn't been able to respond to that situation, he was too young still, he couldn't defend himself. Even Sirius, despite being eighteen years old and officially an adult, would've turned to the Potters for help in a case like this. And Reg was only fifteen. "No, you're a kid. A kid shouldn't have to make decisions like these."

Regulus didn't comment on this and Sirius had the very bad feeling that there was more. "What else happened?"

Regulus shook his head. "I - I can't." His voice cracked.

"You can. Once it's all out, you're gonna feel a lot better."

Regulus' shoulders curled over his chest. Sirius kept him in a half-hug but pulled him closer, pushed Regulus' head to rest against his shoulder. "Just spit it out. You really can tell me."

"I did something horrible," Regulus whispered, his chin quivering.

Sirius had trouble imagining what that could be. His little brother, he couldn't envision him hurting a fly. Even during the Hogsmeade Attack, Regulus had seemed mostly passive. No, Reg wasn't someone who enjoyed hurting people. He never even got into any physical fights at school.

Sirius placed his hand on his brother's neck, began to gently knead the tense muscles. The boy relaxed a little more against him. Sirius could sense the thoughts racing through Regulus' head, two sides warring, the will to tell the truth versus the fear of what would come afterward.

"I don't know what to say…"

To find words for a truth so well hidden was a hard task, because which words were chosen determined the image they'd create in Sirius' head, a first impression that was irreversible. And it wasn't like Regulus could change his mind and obliviate him later, should the truth leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

"You don't have to convince me of anything," Sirius said, afraid that, if the boy thought about it too long, he might decide on leaving parts of the truth out. "I'm not judging you. Just start at the beginning, and you'll find your way through."

"Okay." Regulus took a deep, shuddering breath. "Remember the day when that newspaper article was published? And the journalist who wrote it was … hurt the next day? When you were so mad at me for not wearing the necklace?"

Knots formed in Sirius' stomach, cramped his insides together. "I remember."

"That was us," Regulus whispered against Sirius' shoulder, so low that Sirius wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't paid close attention. Regulus' fingers tightened on Sirius' coat. "We hurt him."

Sirius had to remember to breathe. In, out, in, out, nothing too erratic so as not to scare Regulus. "Who is we?"

"The other Slytherins, some of them D-Death Eaters."

 _I told you to fucking stay away from them. I told you they_ _'re dangerous. I told you to wear the fucking necklace._ Sirius bit his tongue. _Oh my God. Oh my fucking God._ He took a deep breath, filled his lungs with winter air that cooled him down a little. _Don_ _'t yell,_ he thought to himself. _Don_ _'t you freaking yell at him. Keep it together._

"Continue," he prompted as gently as he could.

And suddenly everything spilled out of the boy. "They wanted revenge, for the article. It was on the Dark Lord's orders. Sirius, I promise I didn't want to go, but I had to! They were about to torture traitors and adversaries, and I was so scared. So we went there. They hurt that man real bad. I… I hurt him too, we all did. And when we were done, we just let him lie there, in his blood." Tears were streaming down Regulus' cheeks. "That's why I deserved what I got. I deserved every minute of the Cruciatus Curse, and more. They cut his fingers off, Sirius." He held up his hands, turned them around, spread his fingers. "I still have my thumbs. I don't have any real scars. You should have left me at Lestrange manor. That was what I deserved."

He pushed away from Sirius, sank down against the opposite wall, drew his knees up to his chest and curled into a ball, face hidden in his arms.

Sirius was speechless. He tried to make sense of what he'd just heard, but couldn't. _Don_ _'t forget to breathe. In, out, in, out._ He didn't know what to think other than _No, no, it_ _'s not what you deserved, you stupid little moron_ \- and he definitely couldn't say that. His throat was dry. He swallowed hard. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you ask for help?"

"They would've hurt you," Regulus whispered. "I told Professor Dumbledore. He made sure that the man could be saved in time."

"You - you told _Dumbledore?_ " And the headmaster had let this go on without informing Sirius, without helping his little brother? Disbelief first, and then anger, swashed over him - anger at the headmaster, who could have stopped all this by simply doing his job and protecting the child Sirius had trusted him with. If Sirius had known, he would've taken his brother out of Slytherin, he would've made sure Reg was safe. But Dumbledore had done nothing, he hadn't even come out with the truth after they'd called for his help after Regulus' disappearance. Sirius remembered him sitting at the Potter's dining table, hands folded, and then questioning Regulus' loyalty. _How exactly do we know that young Mr. Black is in danger?_ Sirius' jaw clenched.

His anger must have resonated in his tone. Regulus flinched, shoulders beginning to shake.

"I couldn't let him die," the boy cried. "I can barely live with myself now, even though he survived." An awful sob tore free from his chest.

"Reggie," Sirius whispered softly, quickly dismissing any thought about Dumbledore. This was about Regulus and him right now and no one else. He moved over to where his brother was and sat down in front of him, their legs touching. "Look at me."

The boy shook his head.

"No, look at me. It's important." Sirius reached out, peeled the boy's hands away from his face. "Come on, open your eyes, little one."

Regulus slowly lifted his eyes at that.

Sirius forced a smile in an attempt to alleviate the obvious fear that shone in Regulus' eyes, even though he was still shaking inwardly from what he'd just learned. He chose the following words carefully. "Thank you for telling me this. You have no idea how much this act of trust means to me."

Regulus closed his eyes again. Tears spilled down reddened cheeks. "I'm so incredibly _sorry_."

As far as Sirius was concerned, there was only one answer to this. No rage, no anger, no disappointment. Only sadness for his brother, and maybe relief, in a way. At least now he knew. It was all over. "Open your eyes, love. I know. I know you're sorry. And you know what? I love you. And it's all forgiven."

* * *

Regulus almost couldn't believe the words coming from Sirius' mouth. Hadn't his brother listened, because how could he say such things after everything Regulus had done? No, he must have listened, but had he truly understood him too?

Sirius' fingers, tenderly brushing across his cheeks, taking tears with them. A continuous murmur of "It's okay, it's alright."

 _Forgiven. He was forgiven._

And for the first time in months, in years even, there were no lies standing between them. Regulus leaned forwards, pressed his head against Sirius' chest. He could feel his brother's breath hitching too. And then Sirius' arms went around him, rocking him gently.

Home, that was nothing more than two arms holding him tightly despite everything he'd done, no matter how often he'd pushed them away.

Unconditional _._

Unwavering.

Like a fortress.

He couldn't break their bond, not even if he wanted to. They were family.

"Just to be clear, you didn't deserve any of what Bellatrix did to you," Sirius said in a low voice. "What happened to the journalist would have happened anyway. You saved him, Reggie. If you hadn't been there, he would've died."

"But I lied to you," Regulus whimpered. "Aren't you mad?"

He felt a soft chuckle in Sirius' chest. "Seriously kid? No. We can talk about how to avoid the lying later - much later. As of now, I'm simply proud of you for telling the truth."

Regulus hadn't seen it like that yet. _He_ _'s proud?!_ "You shouldn't be proud of me."

"Yes I should."

Sirius caressed the side of Regulus' face, noticed how cold his skin was. "You're freezing," he whispered.

Regulus shrugged. "It's winter."

Sirius chuckled. "True. And we've been sitting here for quite a while now, have we not?"

"Do you want to go home?"

Sirius smiled at the word _home_. "Can we? Or is there anything else that you want to get off your chest?"

 _Anything else to leave in this playhouse? So we can go down the slide and create different footprints in the snow; light and confident ones, with nothing heavy pushing us down._

Regulus hugged Sirius tighter. Maybe his words were going to sound childish, but he didn't care. He'd cried in front of Sirius today, he'd told him the worst of the worst and Sirius had listened and forgiven him, so he could also tell him this. "I don't hate you," he confessed. They had been words said in a moment of rage, but what was said was said. He could only take them back in the hope that they hadn't grown roots. "I shouldn't have said that. Because… I love you a lot."

Sirius smiled against his forehead. When Regulus looked up, his big brother had tears glistening in his eyes.

On their way home, the first snow since day started falling, and within a few minutes, the clouds had sprinkled a thin white sheet over old footprints.

tbc…

A/N: Phew! That was long, I know. But I've been dying to write this. I hope this wasn't too long, so please tell me what you liked/disliked about it!

To all the guest reviewers, Kam, Ariana, Tizia, and all the others - merci beaucoup for your lovely reviews!


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